Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Super Famous (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 3 of the Super Famous storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Super Famous (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Bruno has a main squeeze now and Kamala is jealous!

Other than that, a company called Hope Yards is erecting bullshit developments and apartments aimed at gentrification and they’re using Ms. Marvel’s likeness to advertise, which just about pisses her off it does. This story doesn’t seem as interesting, I’d rather Ms. Marvel just punch giant frogs with her giant fists. Oh yeah, that happened too.

So we’re going to see Kamala hang on Bruno so hard that his new girlfriend will up and leave out of exasperation, and we’re going to see Ms. Marvel punch a bunch of corporate faces at the ol’ housing development watering hole. Excitement awaits!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [February, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Super Famous (Part 2)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Ms. Marvel kicks down a door at the Hope Yards Development office in downtown Jersey City. “I must have missed something last time…” she says, searching the building in the dead of night this time. “There’s no way a development corporation with actual security drones has nothing to hide…”

She looks around the painfully normal office for extraordinary clues! Eventually, and by that I mean roughly seven seconds, she finds a little mini-fridge stuffed with large containers of swirling purple liquid. “Step away from the mini-fridge,” says a voice from behind in a buzzy, robotic tone. The robo-bees are back, baby, and they’re badder than ever! “This is private property! You are trespassing!”

Ms. Marvel grabs a container and leaps out the window, growing big to punch out little robo-bees and running back to Bruno’s house for science nerd analysis.

After a few panels of talking about security drones and Hope Yards and purple drank, a live news broadcast on Bruno’s laptop (because the kids love having CNN in their browsers at all times) reports on housing development protests and Ms. Marvel’s involvement in selling the fuck out. The correspondent interviews Nakia: “If Ms. Marvel is only here to profit off the destruction of the city she claims to represent… then she needs to go.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Ms. Marvel is on one billboard and suddenly she’s squatting over Jersey City and taking a big dump all over it!

Fuuuuuck that. Ms. Marvel needs to make a public appearance and denounce her involvement with this housing malarkey. Bruno wants her to lay low until the purple stuff is analyzed, which she begrudgingly agrees to. For now, it’s time to skulk around in the middle of the night looking important and heroic as she makes her way to her own home. All the while she ruminates. Ruminates and ruminates. Good thing no one in the house is awake to catch her coming in 18 hours after curfew.

“Hello, beta,” says her mother sitting alone in the dark kitchen. Kamala gets the business for sure in exactly the way you’d imagine, but don’t forget that Ammi knows that her daughter is Ms. Marvel so it’s a different kind of business. Namely, it’s this Hope Yard development business. Ammi points to a photo in the newspaper of the billboard. “Look what people are saying about you! You can’t enlargement yourself out of this one, beta!”

Kamala grumps. “It’s embiggen, Ammi.”

Ammi forbids her daughter to go out and do the Ms. Marvel thing until this blows over. Public perception is at an all-time low. “And remember… you can’t choose to be a hero! You can only choose to do what a hero would do!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, resident expert on heroes. The next morning, after 45 minutes of sleep, Kamala slumps down the neighborhood to school. Aamir, her shiftless loser brother, catches up with her. She never met with him last night and he needed her there.

“There’s, uh – I needed to talk to somebody.” He scratches his head sheepishly. “Somebody I can’t talk to alone. I need another, umm, girl there. To chaperone us.”

“Wait a second.” Kamala looks shocked as all get-out. “You wanted to talk to a girl?”

“Yeah.

“You have a girlfriend?”

“Istaghfirullah! Of course not! She’s a girl I’m speaking to only with correct supervision for the purposes of discussing marriage!”

“Everybody has a girlfriend except me!” Kamala pouts, stomping down the street. Aamir beams and decides that the two of them can pick her up (Tyesha) as they walk to school. Sound good, chief? Aamir gives his GIRLFRIEND a ring while Kamala stomps and sulks.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #2

What kind of world is this where Aamir gets to bone down and Kamala can’t even grab a little ass??

“Are you gonna warn her that you drool while you sleep?” Kamala huffs. “’Cause that seems like vital spousal information.”

Nothing can take away Aamir’s pep in his step… until they see a woman in an abaya getting questioned by Hope Yards security guards racistly. What’s-his-nuts Chuck is like “there’s no problem here, homie” when Aamir gets mad. “We’ve just had a couple little break-ins at Hope Yards and we’re trying to make sure everybody here is someone who needs to be here.”

After all, Hope Yards is filling up with residents and they deserve a bit of security, is all. “Meet your new neighbors!” Chuck says happily, pointing to a bunch of awful white people with glowing purple eyes. A boy in a letterman jacket says hi to Kamala and speaks in a weird, trance tone while his eyes shine brightly. He’s all like “When my parents told me we were moving to Hope Yards, I was ecstatic! Fresh ideas! Fresh locales! Fresh produce! Happy neighbors! City revitalization! High-end restaurants! That’s Hope Yards, baby!”

Radislav is there, too. Purple eyes and everything, but disheveled and tired-looking. All like “Yeah, Hope Yards is amazing and great, it’s like blowjobs and hamburgers.”

Kamala isn’t standing for this. Fuck Ammi and her lousy opinions! Ms. Marvel needs to get herself out there and talkin’. So she’s going to leave Aamir and Tyesha hanging, which is against the law Muslimly, and go be Ms. Marvel before school starts.

The two of them make the most of it.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Whatever gets us away from these mofos with their Dune-ass glowing eyes.

Kamala gets ahold of Bruno as she runs, updates him on the status of the Hope Yards’ evil intentions. Bruno isn’t surprised – he discovered nanotechnology after slopping some purple goop under a powerful microscope. “Anybody who drank that stuff has ingested thousands of little artificial viruses. They’re being reprogrammed, neuron by neuron.”

Well, isn’t that some shit? This sounds like a job for the reviled Ms. Marvel, then! She’s going to scope things out and see if she can’t follow some Hope Yards dickheads back to wherever the corporate headquarters are located.

Three FBI-looking agents enter the science lab, so Bruno suddenly says some cryptic words over the phone: “Uh, Kamala? You really need to talk to my girlfriend. She has the key to my heart. Seriously. You need to talk to her.”

*click*

So now that Bruno is on his way to getting bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails, Ms. Marvel traverses the city. “Something’s not right here,” she thinks astutely. What did he mean about the keys and the hearts? She leaps on top of the billboard and scopes out the scene. There just happens to be some large moving trucks circling the block. Ms. Marvel leaps on one and draws the attention of Chuck, who happens to be riding within the truck she landed on.

“Ms. Marvel herself. You really want to do this?” he asks sinisterly. “You should be thanking us, not fighting us! We’re doing you a favor! Helping your brand!”

“I don’t want a brand. I want a purpose. And I want your nanotech Gatorade out of my city.”

Chuck brings out a gun that looks like it would be attached to a proton pack and calls it his new Automated Crowd Dispersal Device. His aim sucks, and Ms. Marvel leaps on him and slams him against the roof of the truck. Now Chuck finally gets nervous, begs her not to hurt him as he’s just lower-level management!

“I just need you to take a message to your bosses. Shut down the nanotech, decommission the security drones, and leave town. Or there are gonna be consequences.”

Chuck tells her they’re going to HQ right now! It’s a giant, non-descript, abandoned warehouse! Ms. Marvel gets zapped with Unconscious Rays and wakes up in the warehouse to a red-bearded businessman named Dr. Faustus. He welcomes her to the Hope Yards Development and Relocation Association. Now drop and give me twenty!

Wait a minute… Hope Yards… Development… H. Y. D. R. A.! Fuck!

And they’ve already recruited some very important people!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Bruno! You’ve got a stupid bowtie! …oh yeah, and you’re under a spell! That too!

Final Thoughts

What is it with Hydra, man? World domination is the goal for what reason? Being able to jerk off in public without getting arrested? Because that’s what it sure seems like to me.


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Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #4 – “Hunted”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Green Lantern Corps: Recharge limited Series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #4 – “Hunted”! In the previous installment, Rayner and Gardner find Soranik Natu and convince her to go from “I’m NEVER becoming a Green Lantern!” to “I’m a Green Lantern now!” by doing nothing more than calling her a chicken. Meanwhile, Kilowog saves Vath and Isamot from the black hole, but it turns out that they ended up in Vegan space as well (and no, that’s Vegan as in “Vega”, not vegan as in “you’re annoying”).

So everyone has converged in one place! Oh yeah, and random space bounty hunters are after the Lanterns, so they’re going to have a field day rounding up these sad-ass sacks. That’s what this issue is going to be all about.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #4 [February, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Hunted”

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #4

Vega is where the party’s at. Rayner and Gardner, through their ring walkie-talkies, tell Kilowog to sit tight. They’re coming to get him. Kilowog is floored that Rayner and Gardner are even here. They’re not supposed to be here! What a coincidence, at any rate.

Rayner, Gardner, and Natu scramble and head in the direction of the Spider Guild (?) while the bounty hunters prepare to nab them a few fresh Lanterns. “I would follow Rayner to Hell itself if it meant I could kill him,” Fatality says. The other two bounty hunters don’t really want to follow Rayner to the Spider Guild. Spiders give them the boo-boo jeebies. Bolphunga, who is named after a tick-borne disease or a salad dressing or something, agrees to go with Fatality.

“Scary, huh, Natu? Confined spaces and spiders… brrr!” Gardner says once they get to the Spider Guild. He is obviously hitting on her here. She tells him he’s an arrogant caveman and that she’s neither claustrophobic nor arachnophobic. So fuck right off. Rayner and Co. stick to the service ducts to avoid most of the spider drones. By the time they’re done, the spiders won’t know what hit ‘em!

No, I have no idea what these fool are doing. Best keep reading.

Oh, they’re looking for Kilowog. And they found him. Well, uh… well, this is kind of embarrassing, ha ha, um…

Kilowog is floored again! Soranik Natu is alive! Yes, she too ended up in Vega after falling into a black hole. Isn’t that odd? All black holes lead to Vega. Kilowog doesn’t seem to think they’re true black holes, or else they’d all be the deadest people who have ever lived!

So where are ol’ Vath and Isamot at? Are they up to some shenanigans?? Whatever they’re doing, they powered down their rings to reduce their energy signatures. You know, gotta keep stealthy against the spiders. Speaking of stealthy, gotta stay very quiet here or–

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #4

Yo, Chris Farley. You’re scaring the kids.

“COME OUT, LANTERNS! I KNOW YOU ARE NEAR! COME OUT AND FIGHT, YOU COWARDS!” That’s the bleated yelling of who I assume is Tick-Borne Disease. Gardner is like, well shit, we gotta find Vath and Isamot before the spiders follow the raucous noise.

As they move down the ducts they find a room glowing in purple through a vent. Central Command. There’s something that looks like something out of Metroid in the center of the chamber. It’s a map of the galaxy. You can see stars an’ shit. “Our models had Oa in the center. The stars only seem wrongly placed to us,” explains Isamot to Vath. Then he realizes that it’s a fuckin’ spider web and they need to get out of there instead of ooh-ing and aah-ing over it.

“Don’t you see, Isamot,” says Vath. “It’s how we got to Vega – the black hole we fell into is connected to this place by a subspace web. All those black holes are.”

Well, that solves the mystery of the – wait a minute! Why spiders, exactly? Is someone going to answer that particular question for me?

The alarms in the facility begin to sound. Finally, some of these hosebags are going to get caught. It’s all Vath’s fault, he added a smidge of power to his ring to get more of a visual of the web and now they’re both boned. So are the fools in the ducts, they’re boned too.

Kilowog does not want to be boned! He creates a gigantic, loud diversion by sending some green ring energy toward a machine and blowing it up all over the place. “Speed now, not stealth!” Rayner exclaims obviously.

The spiders in the Spider Guild are hooded and mysterious. The speak in these squiggly letters with purple speech balloons. Eight intruders have been revealed by the alarm and sentry systems! “Eight?” booms one. “Who dares enter our nest?”

Well, sir, only six are emitting Oan ring energy. Two are emitting rogue bounty hunter energy! Wait, did someone hear an explosion?

“The Guild Fathers will be displeased by this unexpected violation,” says a spider. Lanterns aren’t allowed in the Vega system in the first place, let alone destroying some Space Spider hovel. Let the underlings capture the Lanterns. The Fathers can get involved in their punishments! Muahaha!

Kilowog, Rayner, Gardner, Natu, and Seinfeld all catch up with Vath and Isamot, whose power rings are running out of delicious power. They’re shocked to see Natu, just like EVERYONE ELSE. “I’m not trusting her with my life,” Isamot says of the deserter. She’s about to say that hundreds of lives have trusted her, but Rayner interrupts like a man to say Lanterns trust each other or they die, so let’s fucking go.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #4

Oh no! Fire! One of my 700 weaknesses!

Fatality jumps in to make things harder on everyone. Now there’s an unnecessary fight mucking up the plans. She’s delighted to see that Rayner’s ring energy appears to be quite weak. His sword projection is getting cracks in it. Next comes four incomprehensible panels where Rayner fights Fatality and the rest of the Lanterns fight spiders. Natu gets chided for not helping, but she claims her ring isn’t working. “It’s cursed!” she says. A likely story.

Bolphunga shows up to the room all “RAWWWRR!” Kilogwog works on him. Everyone’s rings have now dipped below 10% power, which isn’t good if you’re a Lantern who has no other skills other than letting your ring do all the fightin’.

“BOLPHUNGA FEARS NO LANTERN, LARGE OR SMALL!” bellows Bolphunga, who talks in the third person like one of those douchebags.

Everyone seems to be floundering here. Kilowog orders everyone to combine ring energies and create a spherical force field. Natu’s ring is the only one whose power level is still high because, as Isamot puts it, “GUESS WHO’S NOT BEEN FIGHTING?”

Kilowog says it’s suicide to stay any longer if the power rings are almost dead. Time to retreat. Now it’s up to Natu to come forward and help, dammit.

So she busts a hole through the hull of the spaceship and they all blast out of there in a big, green force-field balloon. The day is saved! *Superman theme plays*

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #4

This is boring. Do you guys get Nintendo on this thing?

So let’s regroup here. All these black holes lead to a Spider Guild base in Vega. So that means that the ship can store the energy of collapsed stars! (?) The Spiders are sucking the life out of stars and suns! (!)

So who’s next? Ah, here’s who’s next. Earth’s sun, Polaris, Deneb, and Oa’s sun. Nothing to worry about, then. Wait, what’s that? I wasn’t paying attention.

Something explodes around their force-field. Natu’s ring couldn’t hold the shield for long enough, and now a couple of jerkass bounty hunters are on their tail. “Knew it,” says Isamot. “She’s got us all killed.” Then Kilowog calls him a poozer, as is the fashion.

Things look quite dire for our heroes until two more Lanterns show up out of literally nowhere to help. It’s so anticlimactic that I’m jerking off right now to make up for it.

Now that everything is ok, the last thing that anyone needs to worry about is getting caned back on Oa for working outside of the Lantern jurisdiction. Rayner is distracted by Natu’s ring, which is emitting a faint Code Zero alert. Do you know what “Code Zero” is, motherfucker? “Code Zero” is a direct attack on Oa itself!

It seems that the Spider Guild has black-holed their way straight to Oa’s star! Way to skip a couple of landmarks along the way, you silly geese. Oa was caught unawares, and rookies and full-fledged Lanterns alike aren’t able to take these spiders down with just their rings. Looks like everyone is fully b-b-b-b-BONED!

And the Guardians want a report on the damage. “Masters. The situation is grave. Our sun is showing instability – the radiation fluctuations replicate those preceding the sudden formation of black holes in other Sectors.” Uh oh is right! And on top of that, there are creepy crawly spiders everywhere! Gross!

Ganthet hangs his withered little blue head. “I am afraid, fellow Guardians, that we have left the reconstruction of our Corps too late. And most of all, afraid for the universe itself.”

But one thing is certain! The Green Lantern Corps will fight the Spider Guild to the death!

Or at least until that new Matlock with Kathy Bates gets cancelled.

Final Thoughts

I like what I’m reading, but the art is so busy most of the time that it’s hard to see exactly what’s happening when there is fighting or when things are exploding! Otherwise, no notes, except maybe let’s try a different color next time? Green is so gauche. I want some Purple Lanterns.


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Season 9, Episode 17 – “Dumbbell Indemnity”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 17 - Dumbbell Indemnity

“Dumbbell Indemnity”

Original Air Date:
March 1, 1998
Directed by:
Dominic Polcino
Written by:
Ron Hauge

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Homer and Moe attempt insurance fraud so that Moe can support his new girlfriend. When Homer ends up in jail, Moe has to decide whether or not to come forward.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

Helen Hunt as Renee, but not at all pointless. Celebrity guest stars playing other characters? Why, that’s come Classic Simpsons shit!

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

I’m supposed to dislike this episode because it represents a shallow attempt to flesh out a minor character by introducing him to a love interest who is completely devoid of personality while Homer plays the bumbling sidekick. I don’t dislike this episode, though, because Moe is one of my favorite side-characters and the jokes are funny. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, big deal! You got a wife! I got a rash! Who cares!” That’s just one of the 70 funny things Moe will say. Hank Azaria, you’ve done it again!

Dissecting the episode more thoroughly will reveal writing issues. Yes, Renee is bland. She is a one-off character shoehorned into a relationship just to give the minor character a relationship. What’s her backstory besides just being a pretty flower girl? Does she actually have a lot of weird scars and a fake ass? We don’t know! Worse yet, she’s actually in the episode only to facilitate a zany insurance fraud scheme involving Homer. That would be like taking an episode like “I Love Lisa”, where Ralph falls in love with Lisa, and using Ralph as a love interest in order to allow Homer to make money punching dogs in the face after coming up with a zany dog-punching pyramid scheme. Like, why does everything have to be about Homer? Can’t we see Moe hit it off with a new girlfriend who likes biking or origami or something and not have to involve Homer stealing a car and going to jail? Please?

Other than that, great episode.! This is my personal favorite of Season 9 (unless I already said that somewhere else, which is entirely possible) mostly because Moe is so wretched and hopeless that it was nice to see him thrown a bone for 15 minutes.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 17 - Dumbbell Indemnity

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

During the making of the episode, Helen Hunt and Hank Azaria were dating. In an interview with People Magazine in 1998, Mike Scully stated: “Hank and Helen got along so well it’s hard to believe they are a real couple.” In July 1999, the couple married, but divorced in December 2000, after a long separation.
lol, July 1999 – December 2000 including a long separation. Marriage is beautiful, folks.

Mike Scully greatly enjoyed the scene where Homer attempts to escape Moe’s car when it is going down the cliff, and has said that it is one of his favorite scenes from the show.
This is because Mike Scully was a major contributor to the zombification of the Simpsons and that sequence was the most Zombie Simpsons moment of the episode! But who am I to complain? Just a loyal viewer who got fucked over by decades of shit.

The writers admitted on the audio commentary that Renee has no real personality.
Oh, the male writers wrote a female love interest with no personality? This has never happened before! Let’s make sure it never happens again!

FINAL GRADE
A-


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February 14, 2003 – Great Western Forum, Inglewood, CA

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

February 14, 2003 – Great Western Forum, Inglewood, CA

Set One

My Sweet One — 2:41
HELLO? HELLO, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! ARE YOU GUYS SINGING?

The redneck rhumba of “My Sweet One” brings to mind good ol’ Jerry Garcia overdosing on crushed amphetamines, horse tranquilizers, and pregnancy pills. Yee-haw hoo-wee!

Cover of the Rolling Stone — 3:04
What the fuck is this “Achy Breaky Heart” shit? Never sing this again, please.

Oh wait, they never did sing this again. Thanks for listening to me.

Chalk Dust Torture — 9:54
Finally, something that doesn’t sound like teenage girls in the ’70s getting date-raped on the lawn at Grateful Dead shows. What it DOES sound like is another great ass “Chalk Dust Torture”! A tender, contemplative “Chalk Dust Torture”. The kind of torture that can only come from methodically-minded psychopaths. Phish doesn’t fit that bill at all! But Trey starts tearing this song a new asshole by about 6:45 and that’s good enough for me.

Fee — 10:54
Ohhhh, Feeeee. You’re trying live a life that’s completely free. Hey, “Fee” is the first song on the first album Junta! Isn’t that cool?! NO?!?! You’re correct!

A pleasant little ambient jam starts off at about five minutes in. Page all “plink plink plink” an’ shit. Then Trey goes “pluck pluck pluck”. I mean, that’s all I can really say. It’s kind of cool, actually. At some point it sounds like Kraftwerk or something (not true).

Taste — 11:08
“Fee” flows “seamlessly” into “Taste”, and by that I mean there are seams galore! But don’t let that stop you from enjoy this awesome “Taste” of things to come! Ha! Haha!

I like this song. I’ve probably mentioned that already dozens of times, but I do. I think Trey has a good voice here, and it’s a good song to showcase how complicated he can work the fret while singing. Zappa couldn’t even sing and play guitar at the same time. That guy was an idiot.

Bathtub Gin — 19:57
A 20-minute “Bathtub Gin”?! Have I died and gone to Reverse Hell?!

Around 9:20 it gets weird and psychedelic for literally eight seconds before reverting back to the funkiness that they had thus far established. Let’s see if something else happens…

I’m at 12:30 and not really…

I’m at 15:15 and not really…

I’m at 18:00 and not really…

Pretty dope version, huh?

Heavy Things — 6:17
Pretty standard version, if not a little bit on the speedy side. KEEP THAT TEMPO UP! I NEED TO BOB MY HEAD VIOLENTLY TO THE RHYTHMS!

Jam is short and sweet, like a pickle. Right? I have nothing much more to say about this one. Sorry about the pickle thing. That was weird.

Golgi Apparatus — 5:09
“Golgi Apparatus” is usually a set opener. Like, a Set One opener. Like, keep it away from my set closer, hosers.

Pretty tight here for the most part, although they keep this one slow. I blame Fish for falling asleep on his kit, drooling all over the hi-hat.

Set Two

Possum — 12:02
Yo, what’s with all the slowness! Meh, I guess “Possum” is allowed to be low and lazy, like my horrible malformed genitalia.

Typical “Possum” fare. You get some of that funky chunky southern country fried chicken groovin’, the kind that makes you think of a dead possum carcass on the side of the road. Stinking up the place. FUN FACT: “Possum” is the second-most played track in Phish’s live shows. Don’t quote me on that.

Walls of the Cave — 23:13
Oh, the suspense! One minute of tense Page-isms leads into that cloggin’ opener proper, and a a massive “Walls of the Cave” begins! Too bad Trey’s weak-ass guitar lead-ins sucked the fun out of the build-up. Then his weak-ass voice jumps in, taking what little wind I had left in my sails!

Luckily, this really picks up into something special after all that off-key singing with a pretty rockin’ Trey solo. After one more piece of the chorus, the jam begins at around 7:30. Getting weird right before 13:00. Even weirder at 15:30, like the aliens are landing, man. Drop some acid right now, boyeee, because you’ll want to be on Mars for the next 7 minutes!

And just like that, 23 minutes are up! I think I lost my pants…

Carini — 6:21
A seamless transition into “Carini”, who, as I recall, has a lumpy head. And due to the lumpiness of Carini’s head, I couldn’t eat my food.

Short and sweet. In and out. No jam. Just like my peanut butter sandwich.

All of These Dreams — 4:29
Time for something boring! Boo! I hate it when the Boys get all sentimental, especially in Phish 2.0 when I demand my 95-minute cocaine-fueled trippy nothingness. Moving on.

Limb by Limb — 9:06
YADA YADA YADA YADA JAM AT 3:30. Very pretty stuff, almost like you’re lazily swinging from trees limb by limb. Or some other lame analogy that your average lame Phish fan would use to describe the song while completely stoned out of their gourd.

Oh wait, it gets really strange and skirting the confines of Type II after a couple of minutes. Trey fuzzes out his guitar while Page plays the straight man. He’s not the straight man in my heart, though. Hubba hubba.

Just kidding. Page is ugly.

The Oh Kee Pa Ceremony — 1:49
No.

AC/DC Bag — 11:33
“AC/DC Bag”, while a great song, has always perplexed me. From what I can tell, the lyrics aren’t really about anything at all. At all! And is it referencing AC/DC the band? Or are we talking AC/DC in the literal electricity-related sense? And where does this “bag” come in? Ridiculous.

I think I’ve made my point here.

Prince Caspian — 9:02
Ugh. The most overplayed nothing track of all time. Give me a 20-minute “You Enjoy Myself” as a Set 2 closer instead. Then I wouldn’t have to CUM from my BALLS in ANGER.

Oh wait, that’s “Character Zero”. I get them mixed up all the time because OUCH MY BALLS.

I’ve really given up on this show, haven’t I?

Encore

Loving Cup — 8:25
Everyone loves a good encore! I wi– oh, it’s “Loving Cup”? Never mind.


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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Super Famous (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 3 of the Super Famous storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Super Famous (Part 1)”!

Kamala Khan is A+! I want to read more Kamala Khan, so I am. And there’s nothing you jerks can do about it!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you guys jerks. I need every reader I can get.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [January, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Super Famous (Part 1)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Ms. Marvel begins the issue by recapping the events at the end of the previous series, namely the whole apocalypse thing. I don’t know how that that multi-series event panned out, but I can give you Ms. Marvel’s take: “Instead of [the world] crashing down in a fiery apocalypse, it simply got more awesome.” So there you have it.

Ms. Marvel is chasing down a culprit, and she’s got a few friends in tow now! Namely, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, and Spider-Man, plus some other C-list Avengers I don’t care about and neither should you.

They’re all fighting a giant rat with a purple eyemask. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a lot of hard work,” she says of becoming America’s newest Avenger. “The learning curve is steep. I’ve had to be faster, stronger, smarter – and still home by curfew.”

Grove Street, Jersey City, Post Rat-Villain Obliteration: Tony Stark drops Ms. Marvel off at her house and books it even though he promised to help her with her physics homework. “Fuck THAT!” he says. He has a date! Go pound sand, kid! *peels off in his Lambo*

She falls asleep trying to do her homework. And here is where our adventure begins!

*sad trombone*

Kamala Khan tells us all about how things have changed since all this shit went down with The Inventor. For one thing, they rebuilt the science lab with a bunch of new whiz-bang equipment. Even Zoe Zimmer isn’t some airheaded, insensitive, accidentally-on-purpose racist anymore! She’s good-time buddies with Kamala and Nakia, and she even brings coffee like a good intern.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1

“Buhh…” I couldn’t have said it better myself when it comes to caffeine and skipping gym class.

Where’s Bruno? Well, not only are we talking about Bruno when we clearly should not be talking about Bruno, but he’s hanging out with Mike. And who’s Mike, Kamala asks? Zoe points to Bruno kissing a rather plump girl in the hallway. “That’s Mike.”

“Mike is a girl,” Kamala says, not a question.

“Short for Michaela, apparently,” says Nakia.

“When did this happen?”

“Like six weeks ago! Where have you been?”

“Are they… together?”

“Uhh, yes?”

Clearly, Kamala is having an issue grasping this new information that shouldn’t have been new information at all. “I just think of that moment Bruno and I had on the roof. it was pretty much yesterday, or at least that’s how it feels,” she thinks, frowning wistfully. She suddenly runs off, bolting down the hallway to get to class.

Kamala snipes at Bruno during physics class. He didn’t understand the homework, and she calls him a dumbshit moronic fuckpig. She tells him he should ask HiS gIrLfRiEnD for help instead. When class ends, Kamala storms out haughtily, leaving Bruno to chase after her. “Can we at least talk about this?” he asks as she continues to pull ahead and away from him in the hallway. “What’s there to talk about?” Kamala says, gritting her teeth. “You told me you were in love with me, then I see you kissing some random girl in the hallway.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Saran-wrap that little dick of yours, son. Double wrap for maximum safety!

They bicker like this for a while. Bruno, ultimately, says “YOU TOLD ME TO MOVE ON, KAMALA. YOU TOLD ME!” To this, she says “oh yeah”, but she didn’t expect it to all happen so soon, you know? “I never meant to hurt you. I’ve tried to talk to you about Mike, but you’re so busy being an Avenger that you’re never around anymore.”

Soon after they briefly touch upon the embarrassing and gross penis-in-vagina stuff, both Kamala and Bruno notice and stare up at a giant billboard where Ms. Marvel encourages the population to clean up Jersey City! This is when Kamala fully realizes how much she isn’t paying attention to anything around her real life anymore.

“Did you sign some kind of weird product endorsement or something?” Bruno asks.

“NO! I’ve never seen this before!” she yells angrily (the manner in which most people yell).

The billboard is situated above an apartment development that now has an organic foods store, a yoga center, and two sushi restaurants. A man named Chuck offers Kamala and Bruno to check out their new model unit, and Kamala gets up in Chuck’s face about using Ms. Marvel to shill white people shit. He merely hands them pamphlets. “On behalf of Hope Yards Development, thanks for visiting Phase I of our downtown revitalizing project.”

Chuck looks like a hipster douche, and Kamala wants to give him an atomic wedgie. This whole billboard thing is driving her nuts. “What is happening?!” she cries, tearing her hair out. Nakia and Zoe show up to comment upon the billboard, calling Ms. Marvel a sellout to the gentrification of Jersey City. Kamala is like “NUH-UH SHE’S NOT!” Nakia is like “’Fraid so.” Kamala argues that maybe Ms. Marvel has been so busy sucking Avenger dick that she has let things slip away from her. Maybe, just maybe. Nakia finds that cute.

Kamala runs under the pretense that she’s meeting up with Aamir at the mosque, but she tears off her not-Ms. Marvel clothes to reveal her Ms. Marvel clothes and runs back to the Hope Yards Development complex. Rapping on the door SMARTLY, she yells to Chuck that she has a complaint. No answer. She tries turning the doorknob – locked. Then she smallifies herself and slips under the door crack.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1

They want to turn the Khan household into a Wild Fork.

She overhears a conversation going on outside. “You can’t just tear down my store and cut me a check! What you paid me wouldn’t buy five feet of sidewalk in Manhattan! I ran the grocery on this corner for twenty years!”

It’s Radislav, the man who runs a store! And he’s getting pushed out! Well, no mas! Ms. Marvel makes herself known and challenges these two security guard dudes roughing up Radislav to a fight! And fight they do, although they both have large, glowing, state-of-the-art crowd dispersal weaponry, so that isn’t rad. How did that happen? “Suspicious loiterers detected,” blares one of many Hope Yards security drones that buzz onto the scene. They look like they’re mere seconds away from opening fire and/or stinging the bejesus out of these two with their scary bee-like stingers, so Radislav runs to his car with Ms. Marvel in tow.

“Radislav, I don’t think this is a nice, normal blood-sucking corporation we’re dealing with,” Ms. Marvel says as the car is attacked by bee drones. Radislav peels away, asking why Ms. Marvel’s picture is up there on the billboard. Is she getting a little kickback? Eh? Some moolah? Bread, see? Getting her back scratched, as it were?

NO! “It’s like I’ve become public property…” she thinks, ruminating over how she used to be able to lay low. Radislav tells her this merely means people are paying attention to the good things she’s doing.

They bump into a new threat after rounding a corner: protestors! “OUT WITH HOPE YARDS!”, “KEEP JC REAL”, and a big picture of Ms. Marvel with the caption “SELLOUT”.

Ms. Marvel shrinks down to mouse-size and scurries out of Radislav’s car, running through the crowd hopefully unnoticed. She finds Bruno’s giant Bruno-leg and grabs onto the cuff on his jeans. “Just keep walking!” she squeaks. Bruno turns onto another street, away from the other protestors, as he and Ms. Marvel argue some more about Mike. Bruno flashes back to the moment he and Mike met…

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1

And that really firm right arm from all the jerkin’ it he does all day.

When you get down to the nitty gritty, Kamala just plain wasn’t paying attention to nuthin’ and now she’s actually all butthurt about it; not Bruno’s problem.

Suddenly, a giant frog terrorizes the street with the protestors. Suddenly, Ms. Marvel is also gigantic and runs after the frog. “GET BACK HERE, YOU PSYCHO AMPHIBIAN!” Suddenly, a regular-sized bus is launched into the air and falls right in Bruno’s path. Suddenly, Mike pulls him to safety before the bus smushes him into a mush.

“Where did you learn those moves?” Bruno asks.

“I took an urban fantasy self-defense class a couple months ago. We covered narrow escapes pretty extensively. I’m Michaela, by the way. Michaela Miller. People call me Mike.”

They mention seeing each other in various classes, they bond over a shared fear of that pesky end-of-the-world scenario, and Bruno asks Mike out for some bubble tea. AND THE REST, AS THEY SAY, IS HISTORY. Or maybe not. Who knows?

“We liked the same books. We hated the same movies – It was just really easy for me to talk to her,” Bruno says to Kamala. “So we started hanging out every day. You were around sometimes. But you were always, you know… busy.”

Bruno met Mike’s two moms. Mike met Bruno’s grandparents.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Great idea, grandma. Let me just also tell my new girlfriend that I’m a neo-Nazi and I watch scat porn in my free time.

Bruno gets weird, and later decides to be really stupid and tell Mike during a walk that he has been in love with Kamala since second grade. Mike had already guessed. “She’s in half the pictures your grandma was showing me. With you looking at her in this kind of certain way.” She says she’s fucking out if there’s going to be some weird drama, and Bruno goes “HA! HA! WEIRD DRAMA! HA! NOT AT ALL!! I MEAN IT!! HA HA HA!! BRRRRRRRTTT!”

So they kiss. And that’s the story, Kamala. Got a light?

Final Thoughts

WELL, WELL, WELL. HOW THE TURNTABLES! Now that Bruno is unavailable, Kamala is going to try to horn in on the action and be all over that piece? Fat chance, sister! Maybe you should try your hand at Peter Parker, especially after… you know… she was horribly mangled in an accident at the bubblewrap factory.


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