Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #3 – “Vega”! In the previous installment, now that the recruits have congregated at Oa there is all sorts of shit going down in other Sectors. One Sector has a star exploding, which may or may not have sucked Vath and Isamot within its black-holey depths. Another Sector contains a planet who is a Lantern in of itself, and Gardner and Rayner helped fend of Rann and Thanagarian fleets who were going to destroy the weird Lantern planet. Another Sector contains Soranik Natu, who got trapped after trying to run the fuck away from Oa and the other Green Lanterns.

So that’s where we’re at right now. Too much going on and not enough room to be snide about it! Not yet, at least, but oh, there’s time!

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #3 [January, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Vega”

Deep Space. So deep that there are no Sectors at all!

“You really want to go to Vega, Rayner?” says one big green streak in the dark. “This is big-time Lantern rule-breaking, y’know.”

The other big green streak ignores the first big green streak. “I’m the bad boy and the Guardians expect it,” says Gardner. “If they can me an’ send me back to Earth, fine. But you… you live to be out here. Be the Guardians’ golden boy.”

The Rayner-shaped big green streak continues to ignore until he can’t ignore any longer, then he tells Gardner to get over himself. Right now, his gut tells him to save this woman even if it’s against protocol. And if he has to go as far as Vega, well, he’ll damn well go as far as Vega! And what happens in Vega stays in Vega, so cork it, Gardner.

Guy Gardner is on board because the woman is hot, so that’s where we are here in the year 2006. They descend upon the solar system with its belt of a trillion asteroids; time to start lookin’. The ring gives a warning: THIS SYSTEM IS OUTSIDE THE JURISDICTION OF THE GUARDIANS. LANTERNS ARE ADVISED THAT PROCEEDING FURTHER IS A SERIOUS DISCIPLINARY OFFENSE.

Ohhh, it’s on, baby. Gimme some of that serious disciplinary action. Rayner notices that it’s been a while since Natu’s last distress call… so he’s a little bit worried… not because she’s hot… not entirely…

Elsewhere, you’ve got Vath and Isamot fighting whozits in the complete darkness. All like “Focus, Tharagarian” and “I don’t like a Rannian tell me what to do” and it’s going to be an inseparable friendship by the end of this limited series, guaranteed.

Man, just start boning each other now and stop embarrassing all of us here.

Suddenly, the two see a green glow that isn’t from either of their rings…

“DADDY’S HERE, POOZERS!” says a jubilating Kilowog. “Now let’s get you home.” And it’s like, fuck you, Dad. You’re not my real dad.

In the Vega system, Rayner and Gardner are arguing amongst themselves about finding Natu, and eventually land on an asteroid that looks like an industrial landfill. Or a “low-level recycling organization” since Rayner wants to be all woke about it.

Upon descending to the surface, the duo finds Natu in about two seconds hanging limp from a few strung-up cables. Her clothes are all torn and, as Guy Gardner would probably point out, and not me, not in a sexy way!

“I’m gonna kick ass and take names!” Gardner says tritely while Rayner works on cutting Natu down. Gardner crushes a Vegan alien’s head into the mud and demands answers, but even his ring isn’t able to translate the gobbeldy-gook. Then Gardner discovers the skeletonized body of Tarkus Whin, who died at the beginning of this series! The ring recognizes him as former Lantern for Sector 1417, which was where Natu was supposed to start her post. Something fishy is going on, ain’t it?

Lit up like a Natu-O-Lantern. Hah!

Rayner tries to get the ringless Natu to start breathing again, and she does (after brilliant green light courses through her pained face). The ring is there too, so all is obviously well. Be prepared for a scene in a few minutes of Natu yelling at a couple of Green Lantern men to leave her the FUCK alone.

On a rogue orbit of Vega, some sort of station holds some sort of aliens who report to some sort of alien commanders that some sort of Green Lanterns are helping some sort of Korugaran. “They should be mine, by rights. Their kind destroyed my homeworld,” says a shadowed woman holding a trident-like weapon. “You shared my Darkstar bounty. I claim my taste of this, Fatality,” says a shadowed being who looks like a pile of pudding. “I, too, have a score to settle – but we shall honor our sworn agreements and hunt together,” says a hunched over overbite-having motherfucker.

So, we have a deal. Scoop up the three trespassers and everyone can take turns eating their delicious innards! I like the cut of everyone’s jib!

Back in Vath/Isamot Land, they ask Kilowog which way home actually is (since he’s going to take them home and all, like a good Dad). Kilowog admits that space and gravity seem out of whack, and that perhaps home is in every direction right now?

With all three helping at once, the Lanterns are able to punch themselves out of whatever wet paper bag they find themselves in. Teamwork brings people together, I always say and all that nonsense. “Heads up, poozers! We’re out!” says Kilowog. And, indeed, they’re out all right. Out in the middle of bumfuck buttfuck fuckbutt nowhere with some sort of large, menacing vessel floating toward them…

Now we get to see a bunch of white knighting from both Rayner and Gardner, so buckle up. Rayner slips Natu’s ring back on, and the ring announces that it has returned to its recognized bearer. “AWAITING INSTRUCTIONS,” it says. Natu tells it to order her a pepperoni fuckin’ pizza.

Rayner asks Natu to explain exactly how she got here in the first place. “Very well. I owe you that much,” she says. “I left Oa intent on returning to Korugar, but… as I reentered Sector 1417, I was haunted by the thoughts of the previous bearer of this ring, Tarkus Whin. I needed to see where he had died. The rites of death are sacred on Korugar. The ring took me to the black hole that had been 1417.196. At a safe distance beyond its gravity sink, I prayed for his soul. But then–”

Getting stretched out like taffy is totally not cool, bruh.

OK, she talks a lot. Basically, she got caught in the black hole gravity field which stopped abruptly before she fell in completely. Something else was binding her, but she didn’t know what or why or how or from whence! She saw Tarkus there, too, and she knew that whatever had killed him would go for her too. She hid the ring, ordered it to slow her vitals, and her life force was stored while shit got less real.

“It took all my willpower and knowledge, but it worked. I must have appeared to be one more dead lump of organic waste sucked into the black hole.” After that it’s hazy, since brain function was pretty much shut off until you Green Lantern bastards woke her up again. She remembers getting strung up by some unsavory aliens. She remembers the smell of Kid Cuisines…

“Pretty risky, wasn’t it?” says Gardner. “You coulda died easily usin’ the ring to do that to yourself.”

“There was no risk. I am a doctor. A very good doctor. The best on Korugar.”

Take that, lunkhead. You’re in the presence of actual intelligence, so shove off. And now that she finally did what she wanted to do (honor the spirit or whatever, I wasn’t listening), she will direct the ring to return to Oa.

“You know, Natu,” says Rayner, “if you really wanted to honor Tarkus Whin’s memory, you’d keep the ring he died for.” Sounds like someone really wants Natu to change her mind *waggles eyebrows* “Use it to save lives. It already saved yours.”

Then Gardner says the thing that so many have already said during the course of this series to get people to do what they want for toxic ego reasons: “Maybe you were right back on Oa, Rayner. Maybe she is afraid.”

Natu makes a face. “You are wrong. I am not afraid.”

“She’d probably have washed out on Lantern training anyway,” Gardner continues as he and Rayner walk away.

“And I have never failed a test in my life. And I shall be a Green Lantern.”

Bing. She keeps it. Just like that. That’s all it took. It’s like calling Marty McFly a chicken. You know it’ll get under his fragile, macho skin. Natu gets a Green Lantern outfit all of a sudden and everything. Gardner calls it sexy. Natu looks like she’s ready to bite his dick off.

Even my four-year-old doesn’t change her mind this quickly. Damn, lady.

On their way out of the asteroid belt, they are ambushed by a vessel shooting missiles at them. “SURRENDER, LANTERNS!” says some unknown entity, probably Jeff Bridges.

“SURRENDER NOW AND I, BOLPHUNGA THE UNRELENTING, PROMISE YOU MERCY!” Oh shit, “unrelenting” is in her name! Looks like you guys need to relent immediately!

You’ve got Fatality, too, who wants a piece of the bounty. And by that, I mean she wants Rayner’s head! These two have history, it seems. I’m looking forward to never hearing about it.

The bounty hunters keep shooting, the Lanterns keep evading. Eventually, other ships come in to help and Gardner wants to get out of there before the whole damn Vega system comes against them! Suddenly, their rings start calling them “poozers”; start telling them to regroup. The three of them are like “KILOWOG?? HERE?? WHUUUUUUTT???”

And verily, they find a giant Death Star-looking object straight ahead, where Kilowog presumably is (along with Vath and Isamot).

Everyone’s in one spot now! That’s convenient!

Final Thoughts

Do you know what this comic book needs? MORE inscrutable panels with explosions, upside-down misshapen aircraft, and weird tears in space. It really is easy on the eyes, I’m serious here.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2 – “Assignments”! In the previous installment, Green Lanterns keep dying so new recruits are at an all time high.

That’s really it, actually. There’s not much more to say as of right now. Onward!

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2 [December, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Assignments”

Hey, are you tired of getting a bunch of different Sector numbers shoved into your face? How about Sector 2261, Planet 142. M? Where Thanagarian and Rann fleets are quickly descending upon. Their Lantern is named Mogo and he requires assistance from the Guardians even though the half of the Guardians seem to think he can take care of it himself.

“Mogo is powerful, but lacks mobility. Now that war has come to him, he cannot easily avoid it. We must, therefore, remove the war from him. His importance to the Corps is too great to allow damage to him, let alone risk his destruction.”

It’s all talk, no action from these little blue dorks. First the Thanagarians, then the Ranns? What’s next, the Americans? All these warmongers are not good for business!

On Oa, many Lanterns meet in the Meeting Hall for a meeting-type meeting. “Front and center, poozers!” exclaims Kilowog. “There’s work to do. Time ta partner up.”

Vath and Isamot Kol get to cozy up together. They’ll be the first sent to field training, and if they are good boys then they’ll get to be trainee Green Lanterns. Of course, since Isamot is a Thanagarian and Vath is a Rann, they are going to get into heated pillow fights for certain. They both growl and sneer and throw shade at each other, going so far as to point their rings at each other! This pisses off Kilowog, and he delivers some real weak threats like “don’t make me get involved, children!”

We will give you a spanking and send you to bed without dinner.

Rayner, Gardner, and two other nameless mopes are to go to Sector 2261 to provide backup to Mogo. Vath and Isamot are to go to Sector 2682 where the star is about to blow up. Isamot yells at this and calls it a mission for traffic cops! They should be helping Mogo in the war! Then he gets his wrist slapped.

Vath growls to his side and reminds Isamot that the war doesn’t concern them anymore. “That’s what this ring said.” But Isamot reminds him that they’re sworn enemies, and he filled his pillow with lead doorknobs.

So Mogo, this loser, he is not just a Lantern. He’s the planet! Guy Gardner knows this, why doesn’t anyone else know this? So fighting ensues between the three or four Lanterns and the entire Thanagarian fleet. At one point the send in a nuclear bomb, but Mogo shoots it down with his special Lantern energy. A robotic Lantern estimates 29 minutes until they win the fight, at this rate. A lot could happen to change the game, though, in that time. Like a bomb right to Guy Garnder’s beefy smug face. So desperate times call for semi-desperate measures, like kidnapping a Rannian admiral right out of his ship! And then kidnapping a Tharagarian admiral right out of his ship!

“So, you two wanna fight each other?” Gardner says, throwing them at each other. “Go ahead – I’d enjoy it!”

Gardner encases them in a green sphere. “But just remember,” he says, “win or lose, I only have to wave my hand and you both die.” Then he chokes them for a second.

“What is this, Guy?” asks Rayner, arms crossed.

“You never play Good Cop, Bad Cop? You’re supposed ta tell me to stop,” he responds. Beefy and smug.

But Rayner likes this idea, and he smiles devilishly.

Soon, after heated arguments, the two fleets go their separate ways and fly off into outer space, leaving Mogo to thank the rest of the Lanterns for helping. Especially Gardner. That guy is a real wild card!

A talking planet?! What’ll they think of next??

After Mogo’s booming voice radiates across the outer atmosphere, its ring lets out a weak “…help me…”, so the Lanterns descend to the planet’s surface.

Meanwhile, in Sector 1899, Planet 381, Vath and Isamot are clinging to a godforsaken asteroid the size of a tool shed. “Some assignment,” complains Vath. “Thought I pulled enough sentry duty in the Rannian army.” Isamot stays silent, and Vath wonders out loud if he’s ever going to say a word to him.

They both look grumpy. It’s adorable.

Out of hyperspace, a ship arrives. “Anyway… we’ve got customers, Isamot. You can talk to them.”

Isamot complies with this directive. “In the names of the Guardians of Oa, you are ordered to detour around this star-system,” he says to the ship. The ship announces that they are a hospital vessel of Okaara, and that they will not change course.

“You will comply immediately or suffer the consequences,” says Isamot. The ship’s personnel can sense that Isamot is Tharagarian. “I sense treachery,” says an officer.

Vath tells Isamot to check his ring for a radiation spike. Next thing they know, Isamot’s been zapped by some sort of ray from the hospital ship.

Take THAT, you filthy lizard! Think you can be a Green Lantern?? You can’t even be a green shit!

Vath grabs the incapacitated Isamot and warns the ship that the star they are near will blow to smithereens soon and that they should get out of the way. “You risk the lives of your wounded men if you proceed.” However, Isamot is less diplomatic, and tells the crew that they have officially forfeited their rights to the hospital ship.

The ship crew is confused. A Tharagarian has never been allowed on Okaaran property, and the Rann is clearly in cahoots. OPEN FIRE!

Then the star blows up. And the whites of Vath’s and Isamot’s eyes can be seen forty Sectors away.

Back on Mogo, the crew looks for the source of the “…help me…” signal that, apparently, only Rayner can detect at the moment. They take in the scenery: beautiful pine trees line breathtaking mountains! Streams! Lakes! Everyone except Rayner plays in the water while he hears the ring calling for help again in the woods. Rayner continues looking and, somehow, finds a woman named Alex sitting on a log smiling. “How’s it going, hero?” she says. Rayner is shocked. SHOCKED! “You… can’t be here. You’re dead… you’re not real.”

Exposition dialogue! Alex died because Ganthet gave him the ring. But the ring saved many other people. “Our destinies were sealed the night that Guardian inducted you in the Corps,” she tells him. “There was no Corps then – I became Green Lantern,” he responds. “Same thing, isn’t it, Kyle?” she says. “Almost,” he responds.

Time to catch up! What’s Rayner been up to lately? Jerking off and going to Blockbuster? That and so much more! The ring allows for so many fun adventures! And he misses her more than anything.

Noooo, Alex! Don’t turn back into a tree! I love you! *kisses trunk*

Rayner immediately discovers what has been sending out the distress signal. A vision of what’s-her-face Dr. Soranik Natu is shown all twisted up in vines, unable to move, presumably there ever since she fucked off from Corps initiation. Now it’s Rayner’s mission to find her.

Now back to Sector 1899, where the black hole is quickly forming from the explody star. The ship is putting all its thrusters into getting out of it, but they’re proving useless. Isamot, to Vath’s surprise, is still trying to attack the ship… wait… no he isn’t… what’s he doing?… trying to save them! He even asks for Vath’s help! A Rann! Teamwork! It brings a tear to your eye, don’t it?

Even the rings tell them that the ship can’t be saved. “Divert power, dammit! We need all… the power we can get…” And the rings repeat that it’s impossible.

Vath and Isamot almost fall into the hole until Kilowog appears out of nowhere and Green Lanterns the ship into safety. Now that they’re taken care of, he needs to find those two knuckleheads, but they seem to have fully fallen into the hole.

“Where’s that black hole lead to?” Kilowog asks his ring.

“Unknown,” answers the ring.

Oh well! Maybe Burger King! Who cares! Those two were annoying me anyway. Let’s check in with Mogo where Rayner tells his chums that Soranik Natu needs some hella help.

“Soranik Natu of 1417 refused induction into the Green Lantern Corps,” says Rayner’s ring. “She is not a priority.”

They ignore the ring, obviously. And now the other Lanterns can hear the ring too. The robot guy can detect the transmission from Sector 2828, the Vega system. After some deliberation upon whether or not they should break protocol and go find her, Rayner goes “no doy”.

Follow me if you want to get dishonorably discharged! Awwww, yeah!

Back in Sector 1899, Vath and Isamot are shrouded in complete silence and darkness. Isamot mocks Vath for sounding afraid, but he ain’t afraid. He’s just… you know… gassy.

With only the glow of their rings, they traipse through what looks to be twisty vines.

They shine brighter light.

And discover a gigantic pile of skulls on the ground!

Final Thoughts

I’m more invested in the Soranik thing than the Vath/Isamot thing, for sure. I hope they find her and then kick her ass back into the Corps, and then Sinestro can come out looking like Vincent Price going “heh heh heh” and then he’ll be the Big Bad. Again.