Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #61 – “Carnage (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Carnage storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #61 – “Carnage (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Spidey gets into a scuffle during a hostage situation at the local Brooklyn Museum of Commemorative Belt Buckles and Spurs and gets injured enough to need medical attention. Dr. Curt Connors is not a medical doctor, but he plays one in Ultimate Spider Man and he stitches the kid up. Curt Connors is having his own mutant-related problems, and Parker’s blood just might be the key…

I expect a whole issue of blood-letting. Issue #61 will be like a snuff film. Get the kids out of the room!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #61 [September, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Carnage (Part 2)”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #61

“Doctor Curt Connors, Eddie’s [Brock] college professor, in an attempt to regrow a missing limb using lizard DNA strands, accidentally turned himself into a lizard creature. Spider-Man saved Connors and in return, Connors offered Peter Parker his trust and friendship.”

I don’t remember ANY of that happening, but I also have dementia at 37 years old. And 6th stage fingernail cancer.

Peter Parker is going to be late for school because his hormonal teenage rumpus is sleeping in past 7:30am. Aunt May is about to slap him with a yardstick until she sees he’s sweating buckets in his bed. “Dnnn’feel well…” Peter moans while May feels his clammy forehead with her equally clammy hand. A fever! How exciting for a comic book storyline! “Guess all the supervillains will have to make do without me today…” Parker thinks as he lies in his bed dying. “Least there’s no big drama brewing…”

Speaking of big drama brewing, there’s some big drama brewing down at the ol’ university. It appears that Doctor Curt “Hypotenuse Fucker” Connors checked into the lab the previous night and never checked out. Burning the candle at both ends, eh? Heh heh heh, that’s our Connors!

Doctor Ben Reilly, another dude in a lab coat, discovered Connors asleep at a desk. Reilly looks around at the computers and microscopes that are just strewn about everywhere and decides to poke his eyes into the nearest microscope that happens to have a sample of Parker’s blood just flowing around. “Wow…” he says in a hushed whisper.

Connors suddenly wakes up going “XPTBXTPVEKBLUB”. He realizes where he is and clutches his head like he has the largest hangover this side of the Mississippi. “What- what was on the slide I was looking at?” Reilly asks. Here’s Connors’ answer: “No!!” It’s not a yes-or-no question, Dr. Stupid.

Reilly is astonished by the behavior of the blood, but Connors just keeps going “It’s nothing! It’s nothing!” and asks Reilly to swear that he’ll just drop it for now until Connors gets his head on straight. Reilly arches an eyebrow with suspicion, but honors Connors’ all-night marathoner.

Parker is on the couch watching bikini girls strut around on TV. He doesn’t get much time to flog his boner before the telephone rings. It’s Curt Connors, and he needs to meet and talk with Parker post-haste. He tells him he’s sick, and Connors returns with “YEAH BUT I NEED YOU NOW, SON” and asks if he can come over there. The last thing Parker wants is this smelly man over his house, so Parker, with his 108° fever, agrees to meet with Connors at a neutral location

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #61

Quit coughing on my mocha latte, kid.

Parker is inches from death as he talks to Connors at the coffee shop about the blood. Parker immediately looks nervous and miffed, but Connors assures the kid that he hasn’t done anything with it. He just looked at it under the microscope is all. And he tasted a little bit of it, that’s it. Now he wants to bite your neck! Ha ha ha! Just kidding! *cleans Parker’s neck with a napkin*

“Am I okay?” Parker asks.

“What?” Connors replies.

“Am I-?”

“What?”

“Am I dying?”

What? Ha! No, it’s not like that. It’s not like you have 6th stage fingernail cancer or anything. No no no, this is good news! Parker’s DNA sequences are superhuman! “How did you get your powers again?” Connors whispers. Parker isn’t really in the mood to get into that right now, so Connors moves on and shows some readouts of a normal DNA strand vs. Parker’s DNA strand. The proteins are like mega-proteins! Giga-proteins! “This is an amazing scientific find,” Connors smiles. It could be a breakthrough in genetics!

Parker starts to get a little nervous, but figures he can trust Connors on this subject. After all, Parker had wanted to look into how the spider bite has altered his DNA. “And, to be honest, part of me was scared about what I would find.”

HERE COMES THE BOMBSHELL! Connors wants to run experiments! *jazz hands*

Parker gives Connors the ol’ “go fuck yourself” face.

…on the blood sample, of course. He’s not looking to probe the kid’s butthole or anything. Connors talks about how researching his DNA could lead to breakthroughs in curing diseases and the like. Plus, it might even help him cure his own Lizard DNA problem. So, c’mon kid. Make with the blessing.

“How would you explain to people where you got the DNA from?”

“Lab accident,” says Connors. “Happens all the time.”

So he requests Parker’s permission and offers a split down the middle on all money, rewards, recognition, and accolades. “And this could take years, Peter, years and years. You might very well be one of my students at the university by the time anything comes of anything. But, we have to try. It’s almost our responsibility.”

There’s the magic R-word. Parker offers up a wan, sickly smile and grants Connors permission.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #61

Get one of those superhero catheters. Captain America never leaves home without one!

Two months later, Parker is spry and beating up rogue thugs again with his puny little fists. He’s in the subway station. One of the guys is the Punisher, whom Spidey thwarts by snatching those guns out of his hands. But the other guy is someone unknown in a purple suit, and he tried to rob a bank or something and that’s why Punisher is trying to murder the doofus. Spidey’s not going to let this crazy asshole gun down people in public. Yada yada yada.

“Hey, can we call a time-out,” Spider-Man says to Punisher. “I really have to go to the bathroom.”

Punisher just looks at him with gritted teeth. Then, in a surge of adrenaline that can only be obtained by a teenager in dire need of a toilet, Spidey kicks the Punisher right in the ribs and sends him flying across the room. He’s all thwipped in the face and is duly rendered incapacitated, verily. The purple-suited bank robber thanks Spidey and offers him $20,000 to help swing him out of the subway station. Parker meets him halfway and webs him all up at the entrance for the cops to find. “Hey, I almost did that one right. Coulda used that money, though… oh well.”

Parker had sustained a laceration on his back during the fight, so he visits Connors to get stitched up again. Everyone’s cool, Parker’s in good shape, Connors got a grant for the year, things are coming up Milhouse! Good thing nothing at all nefarious is going to happen very, very soon!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #61

Erotic!

Parker wants to see Connors’ research so far, but Connors gets shifty and deflects. It’s all good, bro. He’ll come by another time! Bye, friendo! *jumps out of window, falls to his death*

Connors gets a little frowny face on him before he keycards his way into the lab. Ben Reilly is there watching a tank.

“Hey,” says Connors.

“Hey…” responds Reilly.

“I gotta get outta here.”

“Thought you were already gone.”

“Got distracted. How’s it going?”

Here’s how it’s going: the two are incubating some terrifying-looking X-Files Flukeman creature in a tube full of green liquid. And they do an extreme closeup of the thing and it shows the same DNA sequence patterns as Parker’s! Who woulda thunk it?!

And here I am sitting on my ass reading comic books. Why don’t I ever get to incubate some sort of monster in a lab? Really makes me wonder why I’m even living this life right now.

Final Thoughts

Now I’ve depressed myself. I’m going to go eat an entire family-size bag of mozzarella cheese and watch Designing Women.


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I’m So Tired

me lol

I went to bed at 7:30pm last night. Well, it was last night as of the day I’m writing this. I’m sure this post won’t actually go up for a few months because I’ve been a lazy asshole about updating the blog. For all I know, the actual last night probably showed me staying up until 4am completely shitty hyper on crushed up amphetamines, but last night (keep up, please) I went to bed at 7:30pm.

I hate going to bed early. My entire life revolves around looking forward to my evenings when everyone is asleep and I can do all my introverted nerd activities in peace, so when I fall asleep before my kids do it makes me rather fucking grumpy. Like this: *grump*

My day at work is considerably light today, which is why I decided to write this very unfunny post about how tired I am all the time. I don’t know how many thyroids a human body has — 4? — but all of them are likely functioning poorly, leading me to a life of constant ineffective cups of coffee and walking in the terrible, awful sunlight just to try to find a modicum of energy. Last night, I was trying to watch that episode of Farscape where the crew finds a gaggle of cannibals on a totally fucked up, deteriorating Leviathan ship. I could barely keep my eyes open, even during close-ups of Ben Browder’s sexy blue eyeballs. How am I supposed to enjoy an evening of cringey sci-fi television and working through my backlog of 85 Xbox games when I’m zonking out on my couch before the sun even goes down? How many Red Bulls am I supposed to chug to get my nights back?

me lol

Every day, every fucking day, I spend my commutes dozing on the trains and buses. Dozing on the way in, dozing on the way home. Are you aware of how many times I’ve probably dodged the bullet of a very smelly, heroin-addled homeless man stealing my backpack full of pens, movie ticket stubs, my kids’ hair clips, and an umbrella with barely-working Velcro? How many times have I avoided getting penises drawn on my face by those seven unruly children who get on the Green Line at the Central stop? That 12-year-old with the forearm tattoos looks awfully shifty to me.

Then there’s the actual work day. Pushing paper is sleepy work, my friend. Oh, how I look forward to noon. There’s a couch upstairs in the abandoned Sales office. I scurry away during every lunch period to the quiet dimness. Typically, that’s the time I attack my comic book write-ups, but more often than not you’ll catch me snoozing for an hour instead. I’d rather not sleep. I’d much rather read comic books. But I can’t help it. I’m so goddamned tired all the time. And do I feel rested after this nap? Hardly, son. Hardly.

Let’s talk about the weekend. Man, am I tired on the weekend. Some Saturdays I’ll even take two naps! How fucked up is that? On a regular spring day, normal people are enjoying a traipse around town. Perhaps a lunch at their favorite restaurant, sitting outside in the sun and eating their delicious bagels, lox, and capers. What am I doing? I’m fucking sleeping in my bed while the rest of my family is antsy about going outside and actually doing something for the day. How selfish can you be?

me lol

Loyal readers of the blog (ha!) will notice that my updates have really tapered off. This is because I’m so shitfucking tired all the time. I don’t do the things I write about, so I have nothing to write about unless I do the things. Am I partaking in fun solo journaling games? Nope. Am I catching up on blockbuster movies? Not a chance. Am I enjoying a book or two? Nada. When I’m not unconscious, my free time in spent rewatching episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and fucking around in Skyrim. How many times can I really see Xander fall in love with an inhuman monster? How many Falmer can I kill with dwarven arrows? These are the things I think about now.

I’m so tired that I can’t even be bothered to post the stuff I already wrote about. Are you aware of how many posts, articles, and reviews I currently have on tap, ready to post? Would you believe it’s somewhere around 200? Two hundred! So why am I not churning these out on the regular, giving myself a reprieve for the next 2/3 of a year? It’s because I’m so damn tired all the time, that’s why. These posts still need to be proofread, and reading is exhausting. I have 42 movie reviews just waiting there, ready for the world to see. But I’d rather take a nap than show it to you. You don’t deserve to see my Zoolander musings anyway.

The culprit? Work. Kids. Life. Depression. Anxiety. Responsibilities. I can’t handle any of it, man. I wake up every morning at 6:10am to pack the kids’ lunches (loaded with nutrient-free carbohydrates), take a shower, get dressed, get my kids dressed, make sure they have everything, and leave the house by 7:10am. I’m beat just thinking about it! What an awful hour that is. There’s nothing I look forward to less than getting ready in the morning before I even commute to work. I’d rather rake out my eyes with, like, you know, a rake.

Should I go to a doctor? How is a doctor going to relieve me of my myriad responsibilities? I’m already going to therapy once a week and meeting with a psychiatrist once a month. I’m taking more pills than any human should probably take at 37.

Writing all this made me tired. I’m going to go take a nap.


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JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “War of the Worlds”

* Part 3 of 4 of the New World Order storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “War of the Worlds”! In the previous installment, the entire Justice League fights the entire Hyperclan and the entire Justice League dies. They die! They all die! Hyperclan wins again!

Well, all are dead except for Superman. Surely he will cobble together a new Justice League out of dismembered old Justice League body parts. Want a Wonder Lantern? Flash Woman? Aquabat? It’s all here, baby.

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [March, 1997]
Written by: Grant Morrison

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #3

They’ve got Superman hooked up to a very uncomfortable-looking metal reclining chair. They’ve got a chunk of green Kryptonite in a glass orb hovering three above Superman’s head. “Oh, Superman…” mocks Protex. “All those people you’ve saved over the years: where are they now? No one is coming. No one cares. You are alone at the end of the world. Completely alone.”

Alone like a fox! Superman isn’t going to take this lying down with Kryptonite in his midst! …oh, wait.

Batman is still alive! He managed to not get blown up by a heat-seeking missile somehow, which is crazy impossible but fuck it, right? “The Hyperclan thinks I’m dead,” he thinks. “That gives me an edge.”

You couldn’t even shave a beard with that edge, sir.

Batman penetrates the Hyperclan’s space stronghold by bashing through the window crotch-first. How and why Batman doesn’t get destroyed by the harsh vacuum of space is anybody’s guess, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that he’s getting surrounded by sentry jellyfish… (?)

Meanwhile, the Flash is also not dead. He’s getting chased by ZüM, who may actually be faster! Flash is ahead, but ZüM is gaining on him micrometers at a time! Then he suddenly speeds ahead and starts throwing bricks behind him at Flash. “From what we can figure, all of these guys have powers in the Superman class and then some!” Flash thinks as he dodges fuckin’ bricks to the head. “If I don’t start thinking the way he does, I’m in trouble.”

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #3

This ain’t school, son. Though you ART better WORKSHOP some ideas or else you’ll get a little chin MUSIC with the PHYSICS of the situation!

Flash moves toward light speed as he barrels around town narrowly killing any and all civilians. “The speed field beginning to form around me;” he says like a Big Bang Theory character. “A flowing world of mystery. Silver, morphing, hyperdimensional gels. Speed heaven, the source of my power.” It’s like, what the fuck are you even talking about? What is all this pseudoscience?

Flash successfully “uses his science” (aka. runs faster) to catch up with ZüM. With all that momentum, one punch in the jaw should take him out! And it sure does! Flash punches ZüM so hard that he flies seven miles per second, eventually landing in the middle of what looks like the Sahara Desert, creating an enormous crater at the impact site. Yeah, baby.

Who else is still alive? Green Lantern! He’s in the Gobi Desert where he’s getting choked to death by a Captain America knockoff with a lasso. “What is it with supervillains nowadays?” he thinks as the oxygen stops flooding his brain. “What happened to crazy jewel heists and dumb traps? Now they murder your girlfriend and stuff her in the fridge for kicks.”

Knockoff Cap yells to his robot companion that the color yellow is the Green Lantern’s weakness, so his robot companion turns yellow. Badabing badaboom. But, thankfully, it’s plot hole time! Those were the old rings! Kyle Rayner has one of them new rings where yellow doesn’t work! Bwahahaha!

He creates a projection of an identical robot copy and punches the real robot to fuckin’ Saturn. My hero! *swoon*

A crowd of civilians gathers to turn against Green Lantern for harming their precious, precious Hyperclan members. Boo Justice League! They smell like farts and we’re going to kill them, right? Well, Green Lantern gets so distracted by the crowd that he doesn’t see Knockoff Cap’s shield spinning toward his face at 4,700 mph…

…Flash saves him though, like he always does. Then he whips the shield back before Flash and Green Lantern skip off into the night.

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Ha, Cindy Crawford. How very ‘90s of you, comic book!

“These guys are gonna recover pretty soon,” Flash says to Green Lantern. “Knocking them down’s one thing, but I get the feeling they won’t stay there long.” But Green Lantern is feeling pumped and ready to fuck more Hyperclan ass! I mean, “kick”. “Kick” is what I meant.

The duo infiltrates the Gobi Desert base and finds the monitor room. They find footage of Superman getting tortured by Protex with a news bite indicating that they’ll cover Superman’s trial and execution for the Justice League’s crimes against the Earth! Green Lantern is beside himself with exasperation and incontinence! “Look, I say we just trash this place and then make sure the others are okay,” he says while Flash attempts to get some info out of the room. He finds a large orb with an image of the Earth on it and the positions of the Hyperclan’s orbital transmitters. Flash discovers that they aren’t hidden in space; they’re hidden in hyperspace! Doy! That’s why they couldn’t detect them!

Green Lantern catches on quickly. He realizes that this is how those bad guys seemed to come out of nowhere either an issue ago or two issues ago, I forget. Anyway, what if there are dozens more bad guys waiting to come out of these orbital transmitters? What if there are fleets upon fleets? It’s not looking good, that’s for damn sure. Maybe they should call it a day and play some Crash Bandicoot at home.

They should have left a minute earlier, because Knockoff Cap and his Large Robot Buddy showed up to kick some ass again. We’ll leave them to it.

The Hyperclan at one of their bases discovers through their console that five defense drones have been neutralized on the upper levels. What if Batman is still alive and also on the base and also upstairs and also ruining everything?

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Batman?! Ha! You mean the dude with rabies? What’s he going to do, get stuck in your hair? Stupid Batman.

Protex tells A-Mortal that if Batman did survive, then cripple him and bring him back. He’s going to make him and Superman kiss. A-Mortal breaks through the upper levels in search of the ever-elusive Batman. “I know you’re here, Batman. I can taste your pheromones,” he says disgustingly. “I can see through walls. Don’t waste our time.”

Batman is trying to hide rather clumsily. He stuffed himself in a corner where more than half of him is exposed by light. How will he turn the tables? We’ll have to see in a minute, because Wonder Woman is also still alive and Protex fits a snug fishbowl over her head. “It seems almost a shame to destroy this one…” Protex says, probably because she’s the one with the vagina. The Hyperclan White Lady, whatever her name is, gets itchy and nervous that A-Mortal hasn’t reported back. Has the Batman clobbered his butthole? They all start scrambling to look for A-Mortal, and they find him on the upper floors unconscious and hanging by his waist on a pole with a note taped to his chest: “I KNOW YOUR SECRET!”

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #3

THE TOILETS ARE BACKED UP AGAIN!

Meanwhile, Batman gets surrounded by three Hyperclan goons. “Any last words?” says the bald lady with 5,000 eyebrow piercings. And yeah, Batman’s got a few.

“Super-strength, flight, invulnerability, shape-changing, mind-control: you’re Martians, aren’t you? And when you brought down my aircraft you didn’t dare search the wreckage because of the one thing which robs your people of your powers.”

Batman smiles devilishly as he holds up a box of matches. “Fire.”

He strikes a match while the Bald Hyperclan Lady begins to panic ever so subtly. The place happens to be doused in gasoline, and after Batman happened to somehow figure out that the Hyperclan can be destroyed by fire, Batman happens to flick the match onto the floor, which happens to ignite. “SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING!” Knockoff Cap yells as he’s engulfed in flames.

Batman strokes his chin.

Protex is still yelling about Batman being useless and stupid and mortal and smelly. How can he beat a clan of superbeings?? Of hyperbeings?? It don’t make no goddamn sense!

“Your puh-plans… are… falling apart… Protex,” Superman pants with labored breathing. Protex has an ace up his sleeve. “ACTIVATE THE FLOWER OF WRATH! KILL THE HUMANS!”

Invaders appear out of the orbital transmitters. Seventy more Hyperclan members ready to level all of Earth’s major cities! “WE WIN! WE WIN!” Protex yells maniacally.

Final Thoughts

Look forward to Issue #4 when we learn why the Hyperclan doesn’t win. It’ll involve Batman and a can of Raid bug killer.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #60 – “Carnage (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Carnage storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #60 – “Carnage (Part 1)”! In the previous storyline, there’s stuff about filming the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movie in Queens, making Peter Parker extremely salty, so that’s an lol. There’s other stuff about Doc Ock trying to kidnap Spider-Man and take him to Brazil, so that’s an lol. Oh, and Gwen Stacy knows that Parker is Spider-Man, so lols all around!

What’s next in store for our intrepid little web-spinning wedgie magnet? Maybe puberty and a 2nd Place Clarinet Soloist Award is in the works.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #60 [August, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Carnage (Part 1)”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #60

The splash page reminds me about the Venom storyline where old childhood friend Eddie Brock splashed himself with Venom juice and became a big, hulking asshole. It is clear to me that we will be revisiting this.

Half the issue is Spider-Man fighting a giant reptile monster in Curt Connors’ science lab. Spider-Man doesn’t want to fight, he just wants to talk, but the giant reptile monster – whom I presume to be Curt Connors himself – wants to fight, so the fighting happens whether the red spider wants it to or not. The giant reptile monster – Curt Connors – wears a tattered lab coat. This is how you know it’s Curt Connors.

Later that night, or perhaps it’s a flashback to an earlier night, Connors – the giant reptile monster – sneaks into Connors’ son’s bedroom and kills him… then Connors wakes up screaming from the greatest nightmare anyone has ever had since I dreamed that watched Halle Berry’s Catwoman for a second time. He screams like this, by the way, in giant red block letters: “GGGAAAHHH!!!”

Curt calls his ex-wife Doris in the middle of the night to make sure his son, Timmy, is ok. “Well, I just – no. I’m not drunk,” he insists. “I-I had a bad dream, and I – He’s still my son and I can still worry about him.”

Over the phone, Curt hears the sounds of a man breathing or bed springs bouncing or a male voice saying “SUCK MY DICK, BITCH” and he asks who’s over Doris’ house right now. None of your beeswax, Curtis. He dejectedly hangs up the phone and looks at a letter on his desk to his attention from Stark Industries. Curt’s grant will be cancelled unless he produces results ASAP. He has until the end of the month to prove that you can light a lightbulb with a potato, or else Stark Ind. will stop forking over trillions of dollars per week.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #60

Eat shit, Cunt.

Elsewhere, Spider-Man swings around New York following a veritable cavalcade of cop cars! “Peter Parker – the Amazing Spider-Boy,” he says self-deprecatingly. “Even though swinging through Brooklyn violates my ‘stay out of Brooklyn for all the obvious reasons’ rule… this does look serious. And where there is serious, I show up in my red and blue underwear. Why? Well, clearly I have emotional problems.”

This kid slays me! The sirens are blaring so loudly I can hear it through the comic book. The destination is a museum where a hostage situation is underway. Police Captain Jeanne De Wolfe will try to negotiate before the negotiator shows up! Don’t hurt anyone or you’re in for a world of hurt! And so forth.

“FREE NURHACHI! OR BLOOD WILL FILL THE STREETS,” says the thus-far unseen terrorist. “NURHACHI WILL BE GIVEN FREEDOM OR ALL WHO HEAR MY VOICE WILL TASTE DEATH!!”

Sounds like some aggro machismo to me, Pony Boy. Let’s settle down for a tick, shall we?

Spidey enters the museum hoping to crush someone’s skull into a peanut, but the dude screaming about Nurhachi is about 10 feet tall and covered in armor. His fists are spiky. Spidey, as he does in every issue, poops his pants. So, he flips around the room, enabling Mr. Nurhachi-Lover to break shit in the museum. The fighting is clumsy on Spidey’s part; trying to bonk the guy with fists ineffectually. He trips over velvet ropes and gets clobbered. “THE GODS CALL FOR YOUR BLOOD!” the bad guy yells before Spidey thwips him with his patented sticky web fluid. “NO!!” he screams trying to pull all that ropey cum off of his face. Now who’s got the upper hand, dorkus?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #60

He’s referring to all the water he soaked up flying around in the rain, but I’ll give you three guesses as to what I’d rather joke about.

While De Wolfe and the tactical team barge in and tell Spidey to stand down, a hostage begs for his due. “Don’t! He saved us! Don’t!” So De Wolfe calmly asked the Spidery One what he’s doing in the museum. “I just – agh – came here for the gift shoppe,” he answers, bleeding to death internally.

Then he leaves while the police are still trying to figure out what’s going on. And by “leaves” I mean “hobbles” because he got kind of fucked up. As usual. And that’s enough of that for now, I guess. Back to the eternally interesting Curt Connors.

Looks like Peter Parker and Curt Connors had the same idea! Both arrive at the science lab; Parker to find some bandages or morphine or something, Connors to, I don’t know, jerk off into the test tubes maybe?

Parker asks Connors to make good on a promise to help him if he needed it, but what he needs is a real medical doctor and not some fake-ass science-type doctor. Well, Connors is better than nothing, so he tells Parker to take off his shirt so he can start tweaking his nipples. Parker comments that Connors doesn’t look too great either, but Connors just chalks it up to “adult stuff”. Like taxes and alimony and scary dreams about being a murderous reptile. Speaking of which, I guess that’s real, because Parker asks how Connors is doing with that whole scene.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #60

Maybe tomorrow I’ll turn into Mothra. It’s always good to keep it interesting.

These two have a nice little heart-to-heart about accidental genetic mutations. You know, relatable stuff. Connors wraps him up in a t-shirt, basically, and tells him that it’s all he can do. Parker frowns. “Peter, let me give you a ride home,” Connors says while slipping him the tongue. Parker declines. Connors offers him his sweatshirt so he doesn’t die of hypothermia out in the rain.

“Listen, are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help you with whatever’s going on with you?” Parker asks.

“You have any miracle science breakthroughs on you?”

“I am a scientific miracle,” Parker smiles devilishly.

Cute.

Parker leaves as Spider-Man and tells Connors that he owes him big. Good thing Connors has a giant pile of Science Lab Manure that Parker can shovel later. Once Spidey is gone, Connors looks at the needle, thread, and blood on the counter after stitching Parker up. He stares quite lengthily at a cotton ball soaked with Parker DNA. He puts it under a slide, gets his eyes right up against the ol’ microscope eyepieces, stares at the blood at 100,000,000x magnification, and does his best George Takei impression.

“Oh my…”

Final Thoughts

Time to siphon the kid’s blood out of his body. I believe the technical term is “exsanguination”. You love to see it. Strap him to a table and waterboard him for a bit first. You know, for fun!


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JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “The Day the Earth Stood Still”

* Part 2 of 4 of the New World Order storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “The Day the Earth Stood Still”! In the previous installment, a group of alien bad guys named the Hyperclan show up on Earth under the guise of helping the planet solve its problems, but they’re really after defaming the Justice League and taking over as Earth’s trusted heroes before swinging the hammer the other way! Whatever that actually means. I’m not entirely sure yet!

Batman sees this for what it is: a planned invasion by an alien clan with an unknown agenda. And it’s time to nip it in the bud before things get completely out of hand!

And Superman has a mullet. I cannot get over that. That’s the sole reason I’m continuing reading this!

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [February, 1997]
Written by: Grant Morrison

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #12

The entire world’s media has congregated to Antarctica where they are collectively reporting about the headquarters of the Hyperclan: this immense, gold structure. “These alien superheroes have captured the hearts of the world with their miraculous feats. Protex, the leader, has promised another fantastic display today and this is only one of three locations where the Hyperclan intend to work their magic.”

News crews are set up on other parts of the world in anticipation for the possibility that something fascinating will happen there. The middle of the ocean, for example. Or the Gobi Desert. That one island with the savages who will kill you on sight if you so much as walk on their beach and stare at their exposed, flaccid penises.

Well, the middle of the ocean and the middle of the Gobi Desert were good locations to stake out. Structures erupt from the sea and sand. Large, floating cities! Out of nowhere!

But that’s not all! The Hyperclan have shown up in Antarctica to explain the nature of these miraculous structures! “Call them ‘Watchtowers’, we intend to divide our forces into three groups, each of which will be permanently stationed in one of these headquarters. We want to be able to respond to any emergency as quickly as possible. The planet is destroying itself. Your people need help to build a paradise and that help has arrived. The Hyperclan is here to stay. You can print that.”

Yes, sir, Your Handsomeness!

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2

“Fuck Tha Police” by N.W.A. is on constant rotation.

Meanwhile, the Justice League are cavorting around their satellite headquarters trying to figure shit out. The giant UFO over the White House was merely a projection, not real at all. Superman couldn’t find any sign of the orbital mind control transmitters. Green Lantern tried scanning with the ring, but the transmissions appear to be coming out of nowhere. I don’t know what any of these people are talking about.

Let’s regroup? What are we dealing with, here? A clan of superaliens who turned the entire world against the Justice League in a matter of milliseconds. They turn to “Mr. Plan” Batman, who always has a plan. What’s the plan?

Batman deflects to Martian Manhunter immediately because he’s too busy microwaving a Hot Pocket.

Martian Manhunter says that the plan is to do what they always do.

…and that is this: “Divide our forces and investigate the threat. Destroy their transmission facilities need be.”

So Superman and Batman should travel to Antarctica where it’s cold as an ice cube on a penis. Wonder Woman can visit the middle of the ocean, so have fun. Green Lantern, Flash, and Martian Manhunter will go to the Gobi Desert. Green Lantern really wants some alone time with Wonder Woman, but that’s not in the cards, pal. Go learn to suck your own dick, you’ll be more productive.

Travelling at Mach 3, Wonder Woman makes it to the International Date Line in about as much time as it takes to oven cook a Kid Cuisine. Something dumb happens on the way: a whirlpool spins out of control and opens up to reveal a giant rock monster named Fluxus. They introduce themselves to each other even though they both know who the other is. “I’d like you give you a chance to explain yourself before we have to start fighting,” Wonder Woman says, whipping out her magic rope.

“Explain? What’s to explain?” Fluxus says in a quivering purple speech balloon. “We’re going to kill you, all of you, and then we’re going to enslave this lush little world of yours. What do you think of that? Hmmmm–?”

Wonder Woman socks him in the face with one meager punch and sends him flying back into the ocean.

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2

As always, we appreciate your contributions, Aquafuck.

Aquaman shows up all of a sudden to be a little bitch. All like “what did I miss?” after deliberately missing everything. “I have no interest in the Justice League or its business. How many times do I have to tell you people before it sinks in?” Aquaman groans. What happened? Did Superman get his mullet hairs in the pot of chili during Justice League Dinner again? “I don’t need you here,” Aquaman continues as he points his sharp sword-thing at Wonder Woman. “I don’t want you here. If there’s a problem, I’ll deal with it.”

Wonder Woman tells this asshole not to point sharp things at her, and also she needs his help, and also the Hyperclan is days away from taking over the oceans so he’s not immune to the chaos, and also stop being such a Coy Gus.

While these two bicker like preadolescent siblings, one of the Hyperclan shows up to start shaking babies. “That’s what I like about you people. No discipline. Squabble amongst yourselves while we take your world from under your noses and slaughter you one by one.”

Eep! Wonder Woman starts fighting this gal (Tronix) and tells Aquaman to help her. Aquaman grumpily tells her that he doesn’t take orders from women while he starts hacking off his dick with a Swiss army knife fish scaler. Then he does help, but Tronix gets help from Fluxus and now these two Justice League jobbers are outmatched.

Meanwhile, in the Gobi Desert, Green Lantern and the Flash wait for Martian Manhunter to show up. While they observe the Hyperclan structure being worshiped by stupid human pilgrims, a Hyperclan dude named ZüM shows up for a little rumble.

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Zoom Zoom, Mazda fans.

So the Flash and Green Lantern face off against this Flash knockoff guy. And then a dude named Armek shows up to muddle the panels even further with action bullshit. Yawn.

Martian Manhunter is facing Protex alone. “You’ve never really been one of them, have you J’onn?” Protex says, trying to get into Martian Manhunter’s head. “At best they’ve tolerated you, treated you as a mascot. That’s why you asked to meet me in secret, isn’t it?”

Protex is a smooth motherfucker, trying to get J’onny-Boy on the Justice League’s bad side. Trying to appeal to his feeling of alienation. Protex is just like him! Strangers in a strange land! “Perhaps they’re afraid of me,” J’onn says of the rest of his buddies. “Give them a reason to be afraid, J’onn,” says Protex. “Seize your destiny. Join us.”

Elsewhere, Superman and Batman are chatting about group dynamics! Superman asks if Batman likes working with superpeople? And Batman says that ordinary people are major fuckups, so, if he must trust anyone, it might as well be superpeople. Does that answer your question, dingbat?

Oh wait, something is on his radar. Hold on, he’s going to see if this Batmobile can make a cup of coffee and KRRROOOM! Superman gets punched in the chest by Hyperclan Hot Lady, sending him zooming 8,000 mph in the opposite direction. Batman’s like “nobody punches Superman except me!” and locks onto his target, sending heat-seeking missiles in the Hyperclan Hot Lady’s (Primaid’s) direction. They get rereouted and, oh no, one of the missiles blasts Batman right out of the air! Oh no and lol

Then Protex is there to bring out the ol’ Kryptonite.

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Bite the curb, son. Earth has new heroes now. You’re all washed up!

The Hyperclan all reconvene around Superman’s bloated, Kryptonite-addled body. “…we’ll stop you…” he wheezes as the Hyperclan plans their world domination.

“Who will stop us? The people of this Earth believe we are their saviors, and as for your colleagues… Batman is dead, Wonder Woman is dead, the Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, all dead. There’s only you. And us.”

“And a whole world on its knees.”

Final Thoughts

Hey, if I was at all competent at writing these things up, I would have mentioned that all these Justice League members had died. But I didn’t! Because they sure didn’t look like they died to me! But what do I know?

And what shitty luck. A million Justice League comic series and I had to pick the one where they all die in Issue #2! Surely there’s no way to recover from this!


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