Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #613 – “Chapter 6: The Opera”

* Part 6 of 12 of the Hush storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #613 – “Chapter 6: The Opera”! In the previous installment, Batman fights Superman and wins.

An issue called “The Opera” sounds infinitely exciting. I can’t wait to fucking read this garbage. I hope Pavarotti makes an appearance in all his fat glory.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #613 [May, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 6: The Opera”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #613

Wonderful. Catwoman’s dead. Harley Quinn’s got an oversized novelty gun aimed at Batman’s head from a poster on the wall. Things are getting grim in Gotham. For once.

Bruce Wayne is at the Gotham City Opera House where he’s fidgety and antsy because he’d much rather be prowling around as Batman. Every second not out there pounding the pavement is another second that his antagonist will either get away with it, or harm more people, or cancel Severance. And believe me, you don’t want any of those scenarios.

Alfred makes a quip about Batman cavorting around in his pajamas, which is exactly the same joke I’ve made about almost every superhero twenty-five times. Alfred is the fucking man.

The intrepid butler asks Bruce to please make it until at least intermission. And Lucius Fox wants to speak with him after the show, something about *rifles through notes* WayneTech business. Cancel? OK. How about Selina Kyle joining you this evening? Does that tickle your scrotum, sir? I mean… fancy?

Bruce doesn’t like the silence of his opponent. He also doesn’t like the way the silence is silent. As if they were instructed to be silent. By an even more silent boss!

Anyway, it’s showtime, baby. “Bruce! Really glad you could make it,” jubilates Dr. Thomas Elliot, Surgeon Extraordinaire. Selina is there with her sexy pixie cut, so all is right with the world.

Bruce looks positively bored already as he and Selina take their seats. His father liked the opera; the whole tragedy and sadness of it. Only fitting that the dude got a BULLET in his BRAIN. lol.

Bruce whispers to Selina, asking how she knows Thomas Elliot. She doesn’t. She knows Leslie, and it’s that old hag’s benefit. She’s here as her “date”. Thomas shushes them because the stupid opera is going to begin.

The fat guy in the Pagliacci costume literally bangs a drum and yells “I’VE RUN OUT OF RICE KRISPIES!” I kid you not. I’d take a screenshot of it, but I don’t wanna.

I’d rather show this one:

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #613

Good opera brings a single tear to my eye.

Well, if it isn’t Harley Quinn in the costume! She pops out of it looking quite not-fat-at-all, as it were. Holding her giant stupid gun, she is quick to remark “OPERA, SCHMOPERA!” as goons in masks in the orchestra pit pull out their own guns. “Ladies and jerks, there’s been a slight change in tonight’s show,” she says, smiling in that way she always does.

Thomas Elliot, safe upstairs in the box, announces that he will Call The Police! But then Harley Quinn does about forty somersaults in the air and kicks the phone out of Thomas’ hand. Maybe Thomas shouldn’t have yelled his intentions. Maybe the police would be here by now if he didn’t say anything out of his dick-filled mouth.

Bruce knew that Harley Quinn was working with Poison Ivy. And now that Ivy is back in Gotham, so too is Quinn. She gets up in Bruce’s frowny face, then she gets up in Selina’s icy face, then Leslie goes “WAAAHH PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!”, but Quinn sets her sights on Thomas’ pretty green Lifesaver-looking necklace pendant. Bruce recognizes that from when they were kids; it was a gift to Thomas from his mother. Bruce tried to roughhouse to steal it once and made Thomas extremely pissy angry.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #613

Mmmm, is that sour apple?

Quinn, of course, steals it away from him right now in the present at this juncture. The next thing everyone knows, Quinn flips back down to the stage and opens fire in the crowd along with her goons. Of course, since this is DC Comics, no one dies. They just run around hollerin’.

“Harley has never tried something this… big,” thinks Bruce. It’s quite uncouth of her, actually, if you think about it.

Selina yells at Thomas to keep down, but the dude gets up and tries to make his way to the stage to steal back the necklace. “No one takes from me. No one.”

Selina turns around to talk to Bruce, but he gone. Leslie thinks he stepped out to powder his butt, but in actuality he went to go dress up as Batman (after powdering his butt). Batman descends upon the stage, chuckling to himself that he didn’t actually make it to intermission like Alfred wanted.

Batman keeps the orchestra pit goons at bay with all manner of useful bat goodies: mace, smoke, flash grenades, batarangs, toothpicks, and bottles of sweet, sweet hooch. After the goons are rendered coughing and sad, Batman chases Quinn backstage. His cape is full of bullet holes, and he spends more time ruminating upon who orchestrated this stupid robbery instead of actually stopping the robber. Quinn shoots down a few sandbags, crushing Batman’s skull into pebbles. “Ugnn…” he says as if it barely hurts. Cool thing to happen following head surgery, but this isn’t the first time he should have died since the story started.

“Ivy and I had a sweet thing going before this whole mess got started – maybe I should go off-book and blow your brains out and end it right now!” she cackles. Oh, please do! I want to see that in the worst way.

But, unfortunately, Catwoman leaps onto stage with a roundhouse kick to Quinn’s face. Then she rips one of her stupid jester bells off, which makes Quinn sadface. Batman gets back into the fray, and between he and Catwoman, Harley Quinn is neutralized!

The crowd goes wild!

Catwoman is bleeding all over the place, so Leslie comes down to help with her trusty first aid kit that she happens to have on her person for some reason.

And a defeated Quinn escapes with Thomas’ necklace.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #613

Get back here, you mentally-challenged chimpanzee.

Batman kicks the door leading to the rainy alley, but Quinn is now nowhere to be found.

But he finds someone else.

“No!”

“NO!”

Oh yes!

Thomas Elliot lies dead on the street with a bullet hole through the chest. Cackling above him is a maniacal clown kind of person.

It’s Joker Time, Babydoll!

Final Thoughts

Finally, we’re going to get some Joker action in this bitch. And not a moment too soon; all these C-list Gotham villains are really starting to stick in my craw. Harley Quinn?? Get the fuck out of my face with that shit.


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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #12

* Part 6 of 6 of the Civil War II storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #12! In the previous installment, Kamala done fucked up and now she’s outside the good graces of both Captain Marvel AND her best ol’ buddy Bruno. Bruno is so upset, in fact, that he’s planning on getting a scholarship for a school in Wakanda! She may never see him again!

Kamala is a sad sack and this whole issue will reflect it. Someone stop her before she ties up a very fashionable noose.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #12 [December, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #12

Kamala doesn’t pass through security so easily at the Newark Liberty International Airport. “Let me guess,” she says scornfully. “There’s some kind of security alert for a random guy named Khan?”

The security officer admits that that’s true, and we here reading the comic are clutching our pearls and screaming RACIAL PROFILING! Satisfied that Kamala isn’t going to do a 9/11, the officer gives her back her passport and she’s on her way.

“This is the first time Ammi and Abu have let me travel alone,” she thinks. She’s headed to Karachi to visit about 30 family members, and it will be nice to get out of Jersey City for a little bit. Away from Ms. Marvel responsibilities and Stinky Bruno and anything and everything!

But then she sees Bruno in the airport heading for the Birnan Zana, Wakanda gate. They catch each other’s eye, and Kamala looks mortified. Time to find a new best friend! You like MMORPGs, right Kamala? School is full of incels who are into that nerd shit!

Soon enough, Kamala is on her own plane to Pakistan. 21 hours and two layovers later, she arrives at her destination. Mirka Andolfo, the comic book artist, made Pakistan tinged brown because any country with brown people in it also has brown sky, of course.

“KAMALA!” yells about… yep, about 30 people in the airport. Kamala looks nervous. It’s her mom’s mother as well as every other bum in her extended family. “Here’s the nice thing about grandmas,” she says. “No matter how far away they live and how long it’s been since you saw them last, they always make you feel like you never left.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #12

Eep! Oh no! Family!

HOW TOUCHING. Everyone call your grandma right now and say hi before she gets dementia.

Kamala hasn’t been in her grandmother’s house since she was about nine or ten years old. Her grandparents got married and moved into the top floor. Then their kids got married and they moved into other apartments; pretty soon the whole house was lousy with relatives. Kamala recalls that her mother was pregnant with her in this apartment building, so technically it’s her first home. Maybe. Not really, though. I wouldn’t count it.

Grandma – Naani – shows her her bedroom for the next month: her mother’s room when she was a girl. Kamala gets settled in while a cousin or something bitches about getting his room stolen. Kamala confronts the teenage boy, who gets extremely nervous. “It was my mom’s room way before it was yours,” Kamala tells the boy as she displays some bored-Garfield-lookin’ eyes. “Who are you, anyway? Are we related?”

He introduces himself as Kareem, a sister of an aunt of a friend of a brother of an uncle of a friend or something. Not technically related, so they’ll be fucking pretty soon. “I’ve been living here while I study for my university entrance exams,” he smiles as they introduce themselves more pleasantly. But then he gets chewed out for speaking to a girl in his indoor clothes! D’oh!

The guy blushes and grimaces and shoves off while Kamala laughs. “See you, Kareem.”

Later, Kamala tries to blend in by wearing traditional Pakistani clothing, but she fumbles her Urdu words and Naani lowered the spice level in her food to “white people levels” (Wonderbread and mayonnaise is on the menu today!) Overall, she’s having a hard time relaxing. In America, she’s too Pakistani. In Pakistan, she’s too American. She doesn’t belong anywhere!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #12

Not getting blown up by errant cartel activity would be a good start.

And after some sage advice from Naani that amounts to “cork it”, Kamala relaxes a little bit. That is, until a giant BOOM rings in the air. This basically amounts to “oh, that’s just the silly cartels!” who are blowing up hydrants so that people have to buy water from them. “I’m not Ms. Marvel this month,” Kamala thinks. “I’m not here to super-hero. I’m here to unplug, reconnect with my family, and try to figure out what to do with my life.”

For a while, she’s fine. She integrates nicely into Karachi society, she listens to her Naani’s stories, she drink chai tea, she eats exactly zero McDonald’s hamburgers, she rides horses, hangs out with that Kareem kid, and does all sorts of touristy stuff. “I try to sort out my head,” she says. “But no matter how many lists I make and how much I cry about Bruno and Captain Marvel and everything that’s happened, I feel like I’m drifting.”

Ms. Marvel! Kamala! Karachi! Jersey City! Too much to separate! Agh! Agh! Agh!

Another BOOM occurs, this time right outside the apartment. Kamala looks over the balcony and sees a bombed hydrant. Kareem looks over his own bedroom’s balcony and tells her that this has been happening a lot over the last few weeks. “I hate that you have to see these things,” he says. “The corruption, the chaos… so many people are leaving now to get away from it. Going to the UK or the U.S. or the Gulf. Sometimes I think ‘If everyone leaves, who’s left to fix things?’”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #12

کراچی کے شہریو، کبھی خوفزدہ نہ ہوں! یہ محترمہ مارول ہے!

Well, that tears it! No more of this not-superheroing fuckery! Ms. Marvel is going to go be Ms. Marvel now for the greater good of the Karachi people! “I stake out a neighborhood on the outskirts of Karachi where there are known to be illegal subsoil wells… which, okay, I had to Google. I don’t have to wait long until I spot what I’m looking for.”

It’s a van with a sign on the side that says “GABBAR SINGH IS MY COPILOT”, which is something that I had to Google. Ms. Marvel lands on the roof of the van with a THUMP! and grabs two of the three guys inside with giant hands. “You’ve blown up your last fire hydrant, you wannabe Robin Hoods!” she yells as the third guy — the driver – careens off the side of a cliff and lands 50,000 feet below. “This is it,” she thinks. “This is what I’ve been missing. Some good old fashioned bad-guy butt-kicking.”

She declares herself MS. MARVEL, whom the fellas don’t know or recognize. Not the effect she was going for, but hey! At least she maintains a commanding presence and – oh shit! Knives! Run!

With a SPAK! and a SPAK! and another SPAK!, knives hit the ground. The assailant who is scaring the four individuals is none other than Laal Khanjeer! The Red Dagger! He has a belt fulla knives and he looks handsome with his bandana covering his mouth! “Where did you come from?” he asks Ms. Marvel. “What are you doing here?”

When Ms. Marvel asks him the same question, the Red Dagger tells her she patrols Karachi like a superhero. He tells Ms. Marvel that her involvement is making a big mess of things. Step off and stay in your lane, lady.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #12

Can’t just fuck shit up in your own country? You have to travel to the Eastern Hemisphere too?

Ms. Marvel looks sheepish and apologizes. While these two exchange pleasantries, the water bandits tiptoe away without further harm. Ms. Marvel and Red Dagger shake hands and she is off on her own again.

“I think it’s time to go back to Jersey,” she thinks. “I didn’t find the missing pieces of my life in Karachi, because the missing pieces aren’t part of a place. They’re part of me. They’re things only I can figure out.”

The next morning, after exactly 45 minutes of sleep, Kamala steps out of her bedroom to see Kareem enjoying, sleepily, his own cup of chai. They flirt for a moment, Kareem gets a boner, that sort of thing. She realizes that Jersey City is her home, and she needs it just as much as it needs her!

And so on and so forth. The end.

Final Thoughts

WHAT ABOUT BRUNO? WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE BRUNO?

Envisioning a new Bruno series where he’s in Wakanda getting into all sorts of crazy hijinks with Black Panther. Maybe he won’t try to blow anything up anymore, but we can only hope.


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The Dragon Reborn by Robert Jordan

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 3 of the Wheel of Time series

The Dragon Reborn

Gather ’round, ladies and other ladies and, if there’s enough room, gentlemen too, maybe. Today we have another novel that you won’t want to throw into the firepit anytime soon. The coveted THIRD book in the Wheel of Time series: The Dragon Reborn! More aimless wandering and braid-tugging and exclamations of “Light!” and “Burn me!” await as we crack open this 645-paged bad boy an embark upon another useless adventure!

I kid. Actually, I think everything is starting to click with this book. I finally understand who the major players are (Rand, Egwene, Mat, Jim, Nancy, Betty, and Paper Mario) and have a pretty good lay of the land with respect to the nameless continent they inhabit and travel within. Someone will be like “I have to go to Caemlyn” and I’ll be like “I know where that is!” without having to check the meticulously detailed map. I have a good sense of everyone’s individuality and personality traits. for instance, Rand is boring and useless. Mat is sneaky and lucky. Perrin is boring but not useless. Nynaeve is angry and bitchy. Moiraine is cold and bitchy. Egwene is naïve and not bitchy. Elayne is practical and occasionally snarky. Lan is boring and snarky. Min rules and she needs to be in these books way more than she is.

I can tell that this is when the series is starting really pick up steam. These first few books have been all about Lews Therin being reincarnated and the quest of defeating Ba’alzamon, who is trapped within Shayol Ghul. There are seven pieces of the Triforce that must remain intact, but each Horcrux that gets destroyed is one step closer to the Dark One getting set free. The thing is, they seem to have addressed almost all of this already and there are still 12 books to go! The question of who Rand is has been definitively answered, and all of The Dragon Reborn is about hunting him down as he travels to Tear to grab the Sword That Cannot Be Touched and shit. This all sounds very nerdy, doesn’t? That’s because it is.

“I’ll give you a a sword that cannot be touched!” *unzips pants catatonically*
– Rand

I like the introduction of Mat POV chapters. My dude spent all of The Great Hunt dying of Dagger Poisoning, so once those White Tower bitches cure his ass and set him all up with all that free food he finally gets to embark on his own adventure. Mat always did seem more interesting the other two guys, and I’m happy to discover that it’s true. He gambles with brigands and sleeps in beds with Thom Merrilin. I like that Mat is luckier than he is smart and it’s the only reason why he didn’t die at the hands of the Gray Men up to 12 times. What Mat shenanigans will follow next? Maybe he’ll play at dice with half of the Forsaken? Maybe he’ll find another “t” to add to the end of his name? I cannot wait to see!

Just like before, they went a little overboard with the dream chapters (especially Perrin and his fucking wolf dreams, bleh). This time, though, they introduce the concept of Tel’aran’rhiod — The Unseen World. Egwene discovers that she is able to sleep her way into this realm of a woken dream and kind of, you know, fuck around in it the way she pleases. At least she’ll eventually learn to do this I’m sure. Right now it’s too dangerous, except for the part where she used it to totally mess up some Black Ajah and escape her Stone of Tear cell with Nynaeve and Elayne. Anyway, any time that Egwene had a Tel’aran’rhiod dream it was much better than anything Rand or Perrin ever dreamt about. More Egwene dreams, please.

I see everyone had fallen asleep around the firepit! Entering your very own Tel’aran’rhiods, are we? Tee hee. Let’s open the floor for discussion.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“We didn’t have action and adventure back in Caemlyn. We had bubble baths and rubber ducks. People from Tear were our slaves. The Holocaust never happened.”
– Elayne

Explain the concept of fate. How does fate relate to Rand’s situation?
“EXPLAIN THE CONCEPT OF FATE”? Look, pal, I ain’t explaining no concept of fate to nobody, ok? That’s a heavy subject worthy of a separate Dear Journal-type post where I make fun of fate for 1200 words.

With respect to Rand’s situation, though, it doesn’t seem that fate is driving Rand as much as the other way around. We don’t get to see Rand’s point of view for most of the book (thank god), but all signs point to Rand doing what he’s prophesized to do because he’s literally going mad with power and he just wants it to stop. It’s hard to tell what’s actually driving his journey from Falme to Tear other than a seemingly insatiable need to grab that fucking Callandor sword before he completely loses his fool mind. I think he thinks that taking the sword and defeating Ba’alzamon once and for all will finally rid him of this burden… until it’s realized that the Ba’alzamon he killed is just some guy in a Ba’alzamon disguise and they still need to go on their little adventure. Sorry, Rand. You need to go crazy for at least another book!

Rand is also fated to poop his pants, you might say. Guess what? Prophecy fulfilled!

Perrin and Faile’s relationship seems to begin from a point of antagonism. How can contrast at the beginning of a relationship strength it?
This is an easy one! Perrin and Faile are in love with each other and they’re bickering and dunking on each other because they’re flirting, you idiots. There’s really nothing more to say about this. They’re going to fuck at the beginning of Book 4 and it’s going to be so graphic that you’ll wish your scrambled Playboy channel was even more scrambled just to take the edge off.

“DOUBLE-CROSS ME ONE MORE TIME AND I’LL KICK YOU IN THE CUNT.”
– Nynaeve

What’s Nynaeve’s problem?
Right? What a bitch!

Honestly, though, I really like Nynaeve. She seems to be a very polarizing character, though. Maybe those that don’t like her are reminded of their own mothers. She’s quick to anger and very insecure, but in a way that’s funny to me. Like, she’ll get pissed off at the stupidest stuff, like a locked door or another woman who thinks she knows her herbs.

Robert Jordan created a character who can only channel when she gets mad, so he obviously had to contrive some situations where she will get mad. As these books go on, I can already tell that she’s working harder to get mad on purpose in order to do her thing, and I’m learning that it’s not too hard to do anyway.

Anyway, what’s Nynaeve’s problem? She’s a control freak who no longer has control of literally any situation. That’s her problem. And it’s never going to go away.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Unless I start reading these books one after another, it’s going to take me years to finish this series up. But I’m invested as shit; these books are fantastic. I heard Book 4, The Shadow Rising, is among the very best. I’ll have to get to it sooner rather than later for sure.

Other Writeups for This Series
The Eye of the World • The Great Hunt

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Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #612 – “Chapter 5: The Battle”

* Part 5 of 12 of the Hush storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #612 – “Chapter 5: The Battle”! In the previous installment, Bruce cavorts around Metropolis, flirts with Lois Lane, draws Clark Kent’s ire, and finds Poison Ivy with Catwoman’s help. Batman is all like “YOU’RE GOING BACK TO GOTHAM CITY, BABY DOLL,” but Poison Ivy has an ace up her very green sleeves.

It’s Superman. Except it looks like Bad Superman. And even though all Supermen are bad, this one seems bad in a bad way. If you follow my drift. Poison Ivy has made him bad with her ivy-ness, and it’s going to be epic, bro! EPIC!

zzzzzzz

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #612 [April, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 5: The Battle”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #612

Look at that cover! You’re just going to let Superman wring your puny neck with one muscular hand? The one he jerks off with? Get up and fight like a man!

Batman reiterates that he hates Metropolis. He’d much, much rather go back to Gotham where the bad guys are just extremely dangerous criminals who escaped from the insane asylum instead of weird aliens and monsters and people named Gary Busey.

Poison Ivy has taken control of Superman, as I had previous established if you fucking read anything I write. She orders him to kill Batman and Catwoman, of which he obliges happily. Catwoman asks nervously if Batman has a plan, and this buttfucker always has a plan.

“We’ve got seconds before he realizes we’re not going to stand and fight,” Batman thinks as he and Catwoman run away from Superman’s Super-Laser Eyeballs X-Treme! They plunge into a crater full of water, prompting Ivy to scream “They’re getting away! NO!”

Catwoman panics because, you know, cats hate water. Batman carries her ass through the water. Even though they obviously jumped into a closed crater full of water, they swim anyway to a large sewer pipe. He pops on an air mask, making sure to give Catwoman one too I guess as they swim to “safety”.

“Poison Ivy used Catwoman in those Gotham City crimes. She felt violated being controlled by Ivy. It’s made the hunt personal for Selina.”

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #612

If she’s anything like me, then it’s going to be an Xbox Spring Sale!

Superman is deemed useless because he couldn’t kill a couple of mopes, and when he tells her that he can’t kill – he won’t kill – he shan’t kill – Ivy calls him a useless man who can’t follow any damn orders. So we’re going to try again, and this time don’t be stingy with the maiming!

Batman and Catwoman finding themselves running through some underground LexCorp corridors. A lead-lined sewer system, so don’t stick around too long or you’ll be poisoned as the dickens. After encountering a fork in the road, they both chat a bit before splitting off. Oh yeah, and they kiss too, because gross. Anyway, Catwoman takes her leave and Batman takes exactly 1/64th of a step before Superman crashes through the wall and into the corridor. He’s got Ivy vines wrapped around him! He’s still compromised!

Batman remembers what Tommy Elliot said to him once while playing their Stratego-type game: “If you want to beat your opponent, Bruce, you have to think like your opponent.” Unluckily for Bruce, Superman never thinks! So it’s a loss.

Superman gets punched in the face, which actually affects him! What! “If Clark wanted to, he could use his superspeed and squish me into the cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, Clark’s essentially a good person… and deep down I’m not.

Ooooooh, intimidating! And a little bit sexy! Tell me more, you generous hunk of man!

Yelling at him to keep him distracted, Batman tells Superman to listen to him. “I’ve opened a gas main. If you so much as make a spark with your heat vision – you’ll blow up the entire block.”

Batman continues to pummel the hapless pussy. Superman clutches his own face like it actually hurts. Then he stands up with newfound stoicism and breathes frost breath at Batman, who is like “Frost breath… nice.”

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #612

“In the game of chess, you should never let your adversaries see your pieces.”

As fighting continues – and for some reason Batman is winning – Batman admits to Superman that he lied about the gas main. This is a risky gambit, telling your opponent that he can use his heat vision again. He tricks Superman into punching a high voltage transformer, which zaps him as all get-out. Batman takes this moment of electrical incapacitation to escape the tunnels and to the surface with fervent gusto. He hopes that he bought Catwoman enough time to do… something. Like what? Steal from Metropolis’ wealthiest dowagers?

Superman bursts through the ground to the surface. “You hurt me,” he whines. “This ends now.” Superman picks up an innocent car parked on the street and is mere milliseconds away from sending Batman to the big cave in the sky… until Batman tells Superman to look up. Catwoman’s got Lois positively hogtied and ready to throw her off the top of the Daily Planet building. Lois elbows her in the ribs and sends herself toppling over the edge. Even an Ivy-addled Superman doesn’t want his bountiful bride to fall to her messy death! He flies up, catches her, and returns her to the building where Catwoman is still doing cartwheels.

“So… you and he are working together now?” Lois asks with icy disdain. Catwoman answers with sarcasm.

Lois had torn off Ivy’s ivy, and therefore her influence. Superman returns to Batman so they can hatch a plan together on how to throw Ivy into a woodchipper. “Ivy will be on the move. She has money, and a certain way with anyone who would stop her. And she has help. Smart. Connected.” But he still needs to find out who’s behind all these shenanigans! My guess is Gary Busey, but only because I obviously like to keep mentioning him. That guy is cuh-raaaazy!

Superman knows someone who can find Ivy. And in less than two panels, they catch her at the Metropolis Plaza where she goes “whuzzah whuzzah whuh?” How did they find her?! Well, Superman called his friend Maggie Sawyer, whoever that is, and she’s going to arrange to get Ivy back to Gotham City courtesy of the police! And I ain’t talking about Sting. Not right now, at any rate.

Ivy tries to escape, but nope.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #612

Tear her to shreds, Superdog! Rip out her jugular!

Ivy tries to run in another direction, but Catwoman is there waiting to punch the green girl across the mug. “Good-bye, Ivy,” she says, knocking her in the jaw with a DOK! Superman asks if that was really necessary, but fuck you, Superman. Mind your own business, asshole.

“It is time to leave this city. But not before Clark has his say,” Batman thinks exasperatedly.

“How did Catwoman know to pick Lois?” Superman asks. That’s a really dumb question, isn’t it? What a waste of time. I’m not even going to write about Batman’s earnest response.

“You could have gotten Lois killed,” Superman says sternly. But Batman knows that Superman wouldn’t have let it happen, even a Superman with ivy wrapped around his fat neck.

They enjoy a hearty handshake.

And some unknown figure across the street laughs to himself as he looks through binoculars…

Final Thoughts

Pffft. Issues that are all action can suck my wad.


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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11

* Part 5 of 6 of the Civil War II storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11! In the previous installment, Bruno is in a coma after almost killing himself trying to save Josh. Ms. Marvel beefs with the rest of the Cadets, including that Becky St. Jude cunt who would rather fight Ms. Marvel than be a better person overall!

Bruno’s gonna die, guys! lmao!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11 [November, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11

Recently, at the Khan household, Ammi brings laundry upstairs and bumps into Bruno. Literally.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry, Ammi! Let me help you with that!”

“Never mind the laundry – why do you have my grandmother’s bangles?”

“Oh! I was gonna ask you about that. Can I – umm — have them?”

“You want to wear my jewelry?”

Suspicious stuff, Bruno ol’ boy. He wants to make something for Kamala, obviously, and he needs these bangles for some reason! Ammi asks Bruno what the fuck is going on. And why Kamala acting weird for the last couple of weeks. Bruno stays tight-lipped, then tells her that he’s not trying to lie. It’s just not his story to tell.

Bruno assures Kamala’s mother that Kamala is in no danger. Not really. Not as such, no. Kind of. Maybe. I think so? Yeah, definitely. Tons, too. Ammi buries her face in her hand and gives up. “Just promise me one thing,” she tells him. “Promise me you’ll always be there to help her. She doesn’t listen to me the way she used to – but she listens to you.” Bruno admits that he’s trying, and that’s part of why he needs the bangles! Sorry I haven’t made many jokes yet. This is all very emotional.

Ammi allows Bruno to have the bangles for now. He tells her that when they first met in 2nd grade, they looked like armor when Kamala was wearing them. He wants to make real armor. Isn’t that sweet?

Now Bruno is in a coma because no one wanted to keep him safe! LMAO!

Bruno’s brother Vick tells Kamala in the hospital that she should go home and get some rest. Kamala is like “No, if my best friend is going to die during surgery then I want a front-and-center seat!” Vick tells her to get the fuck out of the hospital, so she finally does it.

But sleep is not in the cards. “Exhausted as I am, I can’t let this stand,” Kamala says as she pulls on her Ms. Marvel clothes. “Basic Becky can’t be allowed to imprison more people for crimes they haven’t even committed yet. She can’t be allowed to destroy more families. More lives…”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11

All I need now is some moonshine and a gun fulla bullets! Say bye-bye, Becky!

In short, Ms. Marvel has finally decided to betray Captain Marvel, the person she admires the most on the whole dang planet. And guess what? Captain Marvel is probably going to be all sickeningly proud about it. Just wait. Calling it now.

Later that morning, Hijinx is dancing around on top of cars in the junkyard. “Look at me, planning a big heist! I sure am thinking about a bunch of questionable things! Like possibly vaporizing this lot of old cars!” He’s talking to no one in particular, pointing to a very large, red button on a scary remote-controlled detonator.

BOOM! An armored Becky slams down on top of Hijinx and reads him his Miranda rights! Hijinx calls her “Judge Dredd Barbie” and motions Ms. Marvel over to the scene. “Let Hijinx go,” she squeaks. “You’re gonna have to deal with me instead.”

Hijinx opens the detonator and shows Becky that it’s empty (complete with HA HA! Painted on the inside). Ms. Marvel explains that Hijinx planted fake bombs, throwing Premonition Ulysses the wrong scent in order to lure Becky to the junkyard! Ingenius! So now what? …um…

Oh yeah! This is all to prove how unreliable predictive justice actually is. It can be manipulated to screw over the innocent and entrap people.

“You wanna know what I see going on here?” Becky smiles. “I see Jersey City’s homegrown hero turning traitor.”

Suddenly, a car explodes, and Hijinx admits that he couldn’t go through the afternoon without blowing one thing up.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11

Girls, girls, let’s just agree to disagree and compromise. Kill the innocents and let the criminals go free. That way everyone sacrifices.

Well, that tears it. Becky loads up an arm cannon and starts shooting lasers in Ms. Marvel’s direction. They fight and talk for a bit, trying to one-up each other with notions like “ethics” and “morals”. This goes on for quite a few panels before Hijinx wants to get involved. “Ninja syndicate! ATTACK!” he yells, and five other individuals dressed like him enter the scene. “TORONTO HARD STYLE: MAPLE LEAF FORMATION!”

Then Becky gets pelted with eggs. “Down with the capitalist police state!” yells Hijinx.

Fuck all this. Captain Marvel shows up and everyone stops. Ms. Marvel had activated her locator pin, and apparently Carol Danvers decided to drop everything she was doing (eating Lunchables) to assist the little twerp. Ms. Marvel fesses up to her ruse. “You teamed with a criminal syndicate to deliberately undermine our mission?” Captain Marvel asks, brows furrowed intimidatingly.

And Ms. Marvel does a whoops: “I had no choice! You weren’t listening! This isn’t fixing anything, Carol! And it’s never gonna bring Rhodey back.”

Apparently, Don “Rhodey” Terrance Howard Cheadle is dead, and Ms. Marvel just opened up an old wound. Captain Marvel declares that she’s relieving Little Ms. of duty and overseeing the Cadets herself. That oughta learn ya. “You’re lucky I don’t hand you over to the FBI for aiding and abetting a criminal syndicate. You haven’t just betrayed your mission – you’ve betrayed your own ethics.”

Ms. Marvel tells Captain to hold the phone, bitch. “If you lock somebody up before they’ve even committed a crime, you make them into a bad guy, even if they weren’t before.”

Oh look, a MAN is coming in to save the day. An IRON man. This alcoholic piece of shit swoops down into the junkyard, at the request of Ms. Marvel, and starts arguing with Captain Marvel about her little project.

“Right about here is where it occurs to me… she is never going to forgive me for this. Never.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11

Proving once again that real superheroes don’t wear capes! …except for the ones that wear capes, of course.

Captain Marvel is disappointed in her young charge, but Ms. Marvel stands her ground. And now Captain Marvel is on the defensive. “I’m trying to protect people, too! Predictive justice is about using the resources we’ve discovered to save lives. If you can’t see that then… so be it.”

Becky horns in on the action. She advises Captain Marvel to pick her to lead the Cadets instead! “No,” says Captain Marvel. Get court-martialed, red-headed sack of butts.

Captain Marvel leaves without so much as a goodbye. The cops show up to arrest Becky for impersonating law enforcement and kidnapping. Everyone leaves the scene except for Ms. Marvel and Iron Man. “Canadian ninjas? Really?” he says. “That seemed like a good idea to you?”

*laugh track*

Iron Man offers Ms. Marvel a gyro and fries to hash things out. They walk off into the sunset.

*intermission*

*laugh track*

*awooogah*

Later, Kamala runs back to the hospital after a call from Vick. Bruno is not only breathing on his own, but he’s awake and sitting on the edge of the bed! Huzzah! This calls for a gyro and some fries!

“Bruno, you’re alive!”

“Dang it!”

Well, that looks worse out of context. But I’ll leave it out of context for the ++laughs. Kamala assures the newly-awoken Bruno that she broke up with the Cadets and that, against Captain Marvel’s wishes, is ceasing all predictive justice operations on her watch! How does that sound, Bruno? Bruno?

*Bruno word-salads and then pukes up a liter of blood*

“STOP IT!” he finally yells to Kamala’s sheer surprise. “This isn’t about you! I have to relearn how to walk, Kamala.”

lol

Also, no school is going to give out scholarships to a kid who blew up a building! That sounds like his own fucking fault to me, but hey, I’m not the one making bad choices here. Heh heh. *closes browser window*

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11

Narcissistic much, Bruno? Don’t you think you’re being a tad bit selfish?

Kamala cries as Bruno tells her that he doesn’t want anything from her. “And when I tried to tell you how crazy the Cadets were getting, you wouldn’t listen. The only thing that mattered to you was taking orders from Captain Marvel. Nothing else mattered. Your friends didn’t matter.”

Tough talk, man. This is also the time to drop this bombshell: “I’m leaving. The only chance I’ve got at a future is Golden City Polytechnic Prep. In Wakanda. I’m leaving as soon as my doctors say it’s okay to travel.”

Kamala is speechless, so Bruno does all the speeching. “I don’t want to say goodbye. I just want to put my life back together, somehow, someway. Please just – just go. I don’t want to see you again.”

Well, that was pleasant! With nothing else left to do, Kamala runs out of the hospital. She looks hard at the Captain Marvel locator pin before throwing it in a puddle and walking away silently.

Final Thoughts

Kamala and Bruno will never ever be friends again! Say it ain’t so! These changes are always permanent and status quo is never reversed immediately! Waaaahh!!


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