Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.5 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Clayton Cole’s Clash becomes more and more attention-hungry, narcissistic, and unhinged. Peter Parker wants to hang up the Spidey Suit, but he feels that Clash is his responsibility to TAKE DOWN and BODY-SLAM TO THE FUCKING FLOOR. However, his pursuits to fight and defeat Clash have led to disappointing his school counselor Mr. Flannigan, his science mentor Dr. Cobbwell, J. Jonah Jameson, and his maggot-ridden Uncle Ben. Parker cries at his uncle’s grave like a wuss.

How will he pick up the pieces?? This final installment in the story will tell all, my friends. Or it will tell nothing. It’s a 50/50 shot either way, honestly.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.5 [November, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 5)”

Peter Parker watches the fight happening at the ol’ wrestlin’ hole. “Anyone here think they can last a round against Clash, the Sultan of Sound?!” yells Clayton Pee-Pants Cole to the crowd. Three men are already down in the ring.

“He crashed a live wrestling match just to show off,” Parker thinks. Like he didn’t do it first. Parker, as Spidey, watches from high up in the stands. “Now I’ve got you right where I want you, Clash… on a page one photo for the Daily Bugle.”

The next morning, J. Jonah Jameson rubs the photos on his genitals. He thanks Parker for a job well done while Parker leaves with a fat $0.38 check in his hot little hand. “Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Jameson,” he smiles stupidly. Better to make money off this nimrod than try to fight him again. The kid is good, see. Really good. Not worth the trouble.

“Someone’s gotta stop him! S’all I’m saying,” says a man on the street.

“What? This Clash kid?” asks another man who is gripping a newspaper.

“Yeah, he’s almost as bad as that other one… what’sisname. The TV guy. The one-hit wonder.”

“Think it was ‘Web Boy’. Or ‘Insect Man’. Or somethin’.”

Parker passes by these two with a forlorn face. Didn’t even make an impression on the public, you loser! Go cry about it.

The boy is getting back on the right track, though. He has made enough money to pay back Dr. Cobbwell for stealing all his expensive meth-making laboratory equipment. He has made enough money to pay back Principal Davis and Mr. Flannigan for stealing all their expensive A.V. equipment. And even though these two are sour about the whole ordeal, Aunt May hangs back and does her “he’s a good boy” spiel. He needs more counseling though, obviously. So, Mr. Flannigan, let’s make that happen, hmm? *snap snap*

“I don’t think so, Mrs. Parker,” frowns Mr. Flannigan. “The boy’s untrustworthy and a chronic liar. Far as I’m concerned, he’s a lost cause.”

Now it’s Aunt May’s turn to be sour. She shakes her bony, wrinkled fist at the man and storms out of the office. What nerve, right Aunt May? Poop on his face! Poop on his face!

Nice pity party, asshole. Who brought the dip?

Parker goes to gym class where he lets the entire student body throw dodgeballs at his teeth. Yes, that’s right, even the nerds are getting their shots in. Flash Thompson even punches him in the head, much to my joy! You love to see it.

Peter Parker eats alone in the cafeteria. Even Polly the Love Interest won’t sit with him anymore after stealing her favorite VCR from the A.V. room. She still had a tape of A Goofy Movie in it! Where’d it go, huh???

Meanwhile, Clash flexes his noodle arm and declares himself a “total badass”. “Me, Clayton Cole, that creepy kid no one’d give the time of day to. And now?” A woman shows him a large tattoo of his masked face on her arm. “I’ve got groupies!”

“Blow something up!” the woman says. Disappointingly, Clash does not blow anything up at that moment.

Clayton Cole’s confidence is so high right now, he becomes emboldened to call the girl he has a crush on. Her Facebook page is open on her computer. “Polly? Polly McKenna? It’s Clayton Cole. We met at the science fair,” he smiles devilishly into his phone. “Yeah, it was a crazy day. Hard to remember most of what went down. So I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow…”

NO! DON’T DO IT! AHHHH! RAPE! RAAAAAAPE! NO MEANS NO! AHHHHHHHH!!!

Elsewhere, Peter Parker lies down in his bed ruminating over fighting Clash at the science fair and fucking up his reputation forever and ever. “No good deed goes unpunished, right? That’s the takeaway from this,” he thinks as Aunt May enters the bedroom ready to apologize for pawning off his problems on other people. He doesn’t know what the fuck the old hag is talking about. She tells him to shush.

“So… where to start…” she says, sitting down uninvited. “Did you and your Uncle Ben have the talk about becoming a man…”

Is this still about sex?

She means the whole power and responsibility thing, but he thought she meant unprotected boning. He’d probably rather talk about that. He might like boning. But no, she blah-blah-blahs about being good to neighbors and having heart and being driven and smart and then she sneezes the teeth right out of her head. The dentures land on Peter’s leg. He screams bloody murder, and I wish it ended there. I really do. But the dentures are just those fake clacking teeth, and Peter starts laughing hysterically. “Gotcha!” Aunt May says. Her disgusting dentures are still in her mouth! What a joke!

Anyway, so Uncle Ben? He liked to laugh too. Laughter is the best medicine you know, other than lethal levels of morphine. Have some fun in your life. Stop being such an ugly, nerdy stick in the mud once in a while. Well, bye.

“Been doing this all wrong,” Parker thinks as he dons the costume. “I’ve tried to honor how you died… when I should have honored how you lived.” Peter smiles as he puts his street clothes on over the costume. Time to fuck some ass! Er… kick. Kick some ass.

Clayton Cole isn’t smiling. He’s far away outside the school that he doesn’t attend because he’s a homeschooled weirdo. He’s nervous as the dickens. He doesn’t know how to act around other kids, let alone the girl that he likes. “Can feel my stomach knotting up,” he says. “Why would a girl like Polly McKenna want to waste her time on me?”

Great question. The best insight you’ve had this whole time. Unfortunately, his brain spasms and he decides to show up as the confident Clash instead. Everyone on the school grounds screams and yells to call the cops. They all wonder what the idiot who trashed the science fair is doing at their school. He tells Polly that he’s looking for a little action. This is definitely not a keen awareness of normal social behavior, I’ll tell you that much for free.

Sensing the danger, Parker rips off his street clothes. A.V. nerds run up to Clash and tell him to stay away from Polly. Clash uses his soundwaves to knock them across the room… but they are saved by a soft web catching them before impact against the wall. Spidey’s back, baby!

The students cheer Spidey on as he does flips and cartwheels, then snatches Polly up with webbing. “This is how you pick up a girl,” Spidey says smugly. Clash yells that the Human Spider is ruining everything yet again. Spidey causes everyone to laugh at Clash’s expense, which makes Uncle Ben smile up at him from Hell.

Go fly somewhere else, little insecure mosquito. You’re buzzing in everyone’s ear.

Eventually, Spidey wins. He webs Clash against the wall and unmasks him. Clayton is all “wah wah wah no one knows who I am” and Spidey says “Sure I do, you’re the first one to ask me for an autograph.”

He gives him autograph like a Nice Boy.

Clayton is totally chuffed! Now he likes him again all of a sudden and everyone lives happily ever after.

“Hope you were watching, Uncle Ben. ‘Cause I did that for you. Kept everyone safe. Kept them from being scared. And I made it fun. It doesn’t matter that most of ‘em wouldn’t have lifted a finger for Peter Parker. That’s not why you do it. You do it ‘cause it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s what you would’ve done. You were more than a father to me, Ben Parker. More than a role model… You were my hero.”

*trumpet fart*

Final Thoughts

This version of Peter Parker is a complete dork and I wish Clash could have at least shanked him just a little bit. Alas.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue#1.4 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Peter Parker attends a science fair where he battles Clash as Spider-Man. No one wins, and Aunt May is left believing that Spider-Man is nothing more than a thug! A monster! A disgrace! An anime fan!

So now what? The more Peter tries to help, the more the public’s opinion of him dwindles. Hang it up, kid. There’s no future for you as a superhero. Get a job setting bowling pins, that seems more your speed anyway

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.4 [October, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 4)”

Well, this is the part where Peter Parker has the brilliant idea to take photos of himself in various provocative poses in order to sell them to J. Jonah “Jerkin’ It to Spider-Man” Jameson.

Also, with his crawly powers, he can get to places most people can’t and take photos of superheroes being jerks. The Thing stacking cars on top of each other to make room for his jet. Thor flying around with nurses. Iron Man crushing a cannonball in his hands as a performance piece for an orphanage.

Jameson is like “these are great kid *yawn* but where are all those Spider-Man pictures you promised me?” He pays Parker his earned $17 anyway and the boy is just jubilant that he can provide for the family now! Bills have been paid in full and on time. Even Parker’s grades are picking up again! And he’s hanging out with his nerdy A/V club buddies after school. And he got a science internship doing science things like holding up test tubes full of liquids. Things are coming up Milhouse! “It’s almost like the spider bite never happened,” he grins like the dork that he is.

“There’s only one or two loose threads to tie up…” Parker thinks. One of them is his counseling sessions with Mr. Flannigan. He wants to stop that fucking waste of time. “How’d you do it, son?” Flannigan asks. “How did you turn it around?”

Peter smiles, winks, and says “WOOZLE WUZZLE!” while cartwheeling out of the room. Maybe his Spider-Man days are behind him. He’d be more than happy to let him fade into the past. “I’m Peter Parker,” he says, passing the dementia test with flying colors.

Meanwhile, Clayton Cole buzzes around in the air as Clash. More than anything, this kid wants to stand out in the crowd. He floats his way to the Battle of the Bands stage in front of hundreds – nay, thousands – of people all throwing devil horns like they think they’re Ronnie James Dio. Well guess what? Dio is dead.

Unbeknownst to Clash, he’s actually interfering like a douchebag. The band on stage gets very upset, and vocalist even calls him a loser! A loser!

Ooooooh, now you’ve gone and done it.

Only my mom can call me a loser, punk!

So after Clash sends shockwaves down the stage and knocks off the band and their equipment, the audience starts booing as if Russell Brand came up to the mic. Security tells the kid to freeze, but he definitely does NOT freeze. He sends shockwaves at the guards, knocking them asunder! The crowd continues to boo, Clash tells them all to suck it (I’m not making that up), and he flies away yelling “SEACREST OUT!” (I made that up).

Later, Clayton browses the good ol’ World Wide Web and looks for phone footage of his majestic display. What he sees is his doofy ass claiming to the crowd that he’s the next big thing. What he hears is murmurings of the patrons around the phone saying things like “Spider-Man copycat” and “Web-head wannabe” and “Following in Spidey’s footsteps”. You know, things Clayton doesn’t want to hear at all. Then he finds footage of J. Jonah Jameson decrying Clash’s behavior as Spider-Man’s fault! “Just look at this new guy! Mimicking that menace’s every move!”

Clayton doesn’t want Spidey taking the credit for his own menacing moves! Nrrrrggghhh!! *tries to flip table over, ends up pooping his pants instead*

Peter Parker sees the headline on the next day’s newspaper: “SPIDER-MAN INSPIRES COPYCATS!” Again, we’re blaming Spider-Man for the shitty actions of ne’er-do-wells? Aunt May peeks over Peter’s shoulder and starts mumbling angry sweet nothings about these Spider-Man and Clash hooligans. Over her bended knee she will take these kids and whack their fannies ruddy! “Someone should put a stop to them both,” she says while Peter cries.

*promptly loses keys in a barrel of toxic waste, then accidentally sets the lab on fire with a childproof Bic lighter*

Peter now knows that it’s his responsibility to take Clash down. He inspired him, after all, with his sultry red onesie and seductive webs. In the lab during his internship duties, Peter designs an anti-sonic inverter. Just like the fork-hovering anti-magnet device he invented for the science fair only with sound instead of magnets! He needs all the equipment he can get, so when his mentor Dr. Cobbwell leaves for the day, Peter starts ransacking the lab for all the expensive electronic equipment he can find. This will certainly end well!

While Parker skulks around the school after hours, Clayton Cole skulks around the school after hours. Eventually, Parker finishes his anti-sonic waves mute button using so much stolen expensive equipment that he would get sent to prison for his crimes. “I need a lot a’ dough to buy replacement parts for everything I’ve ‘borrowed.’ Here’s hoping my boss at the Bugle, Jolly J. Jonah Jameson is feeling generous…”

Yeah right, kid. He’ll put A-1 Steak Sauce on your butt and make you eat it. “An advance? Ha! Kids. Always wanting something for nothing,” Jameson laughs while Parker frowns like the world’s saddest clown. Maybe if he had more pictures of Spider-Man, Jameson would be whistling a more charitable tune! But while Jameson blah blah blahs about his favorite superhero boyfriend, Parker’s Spidey-Sense starts tingling all the way down his spine and into his scrotum.

It proves to be useless, because one nanosecond later Clash busts open the wall to Jameson’s office from the outside. “Jameson! Listen up! I wanna have a word with you!” Clash yells in his whiny, nasally voice. While trash and broken glass flies everywhere as if in a tornado, Jameson shakes his fist. “Speak of the devil! What is the meaning of this? Did Spider-Man send you?!”

Ha, well, that just makes Clash more mad, doesn’t it then? Parker crawls out of the office like a baby and heads toward his new invention. His new invention that he forgot to plug in to charge. Whoops! Meanwhile, Clash is throwing Jameson around and saying things like “You’ll remember my name after this!” and “I’m the real menace in town!”

Parker decides to rip off his nice business-casual threads and reveal his Spider-Man getup. Jameson bleeds profusely from his forehead. Clash poses for the inevitable front page. “So that’s your game? Well, you’re not getting one ounce of ink!” Jameson yells. “’Cause as far as I’m concerned, you’re a clown who belongs in the funny pages.”

Got ‘em.

Then Spider-Man shows up all “BOOGITY BOOGITY!” Then there’s a fight while Jameson stands there and yells ineffectively for them to stop. This just causes the two masked boys to wreak even more havoc.

What does it look like I’m doing, Newspaper Hitler? I’m fucking your shit up!

Parker gets so mad at Jameson’s constant hollerin’ that he webs his mouth shut with a ropey, sinewy “THWIP”. And now that the anti-sonic inverted has had a full three minutes to charge up to 100%, Spidey is able to use Clash’s powers against him. Clash is a step ahead, though: he increases the amplitude and frequency! Duh! Clash’s newest boom breaks more glass and eardrums… and the anti-sonic inverter. Then Clash fucks on out of there while laughing at Spidey’s failure! Ha ha ha haaaaa! Ha ha ho ho heeeeee!!!

“He– he just out-scienced me. But that’s never happened to me before! Ever!”

While Spidey laments, Clash pats himself on the back as he flies across town. He beat Spidey at his own game! “Clayton Cole! The one and only Clash!” he congratulates himself. Because no one else will.

While Spidey looks out the window, Jameson admits to Spider-Man that he was wrong about him (!!!!!). Clash is the real menace here. Him and Dennis. That Dennis is always the menace.

“I see it now. You’re just a joke! A loser!” Jameson looks feral. “A web-headed has-been!”

Spidey agrees because he’s a sad-sack supreme. He’s yesterday’s news. Why, Jameson doesn’t even want pictures of that shithead anymore! It’s all about Clash now, son.

To add insult to injury, Parker gets chastised by the principal for stealing $500,000,000,000 worth of equipment from the lab and the A.V. Club. This alienates Parker from his buddies AND gets him another 17 years of counseling from Mr. Flannigan! Dr. Cobbwell doesn’t trust him anymore, and he gets fired from the Bugle for not taking a single picture of the fight that happened in Jameson’s office. A real low point in Parker’s life. It’s time for heroin under the overpass for you.

Parker cries on Uncle Ben’s grave. He has really let the old man down for being such a snot-nosed little puke. That was already the case, though, so I don’t know why he’s so upset. Uncle Ben never loved him.

lol

Final Thoughts

Way to go, Peter Parker, you gigantic failure. Uncle Ben is spinning in his grave like a top over your constant fuck-ups. Maybe you should just invent yourself an anti-survival noose and hang yourself in the bathroom while Aunt May watches Matlock in her mothball-smelling bedroom.