Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #489 – “Killer’s Bane”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, A mysterious bald creep named The Cypher was using hypnosis and subliminal messaging to kill the leads of the Echo Project for reasons that are unclear at this time. Lucius Fox almost jumped off a bridge, but Azrael caught him at the last moment and we all jumped for joy since 95% of DC fans think Lucius Fox is their favorite character.
Also, I just killed a bug with an electric flyswatter.
Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #489 [February, 1993]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Killer’s Bane”
“Six months ago: Given the darkness, he must be dead. Given the company, it is not a pleasant place. So, then… this is Hell.”
Images of bats flying around and demonic visages wearing Batman cowls flood the page and it’s scaring the bejeesus out of me so badly that I’m going to have to close the comic book for a few hours.
Whew, I feel better. Narration tells us all that it rained a whole lot back in August. Nine hours of rainfall; all the water washed down around 7,000 storm drains where it sped through the tunnels at the speed of… well, rushing water I suppose.
There’s a guy in the sewers who supposedly died of water, and now the demons of Hell have unleashed more water upon him as punishment! What actually happens is this: the water pushes some giant turd dude out of a storm drain outlet after miraculously not dying from anything. He’s a bumpy, green monster man who spends the next six months eating rats and sleeping in trash and fighting various beasts like a) alligators, and b) Batman.
Then it starts snowing. And this beady red-eyed sad-sack of a subhuman munches on a rat carcass, he sleeps while he’s awake now and he can’t distinguish nightmares from reality anymore. He looks like the Hulk, all green with purple pants. A more stringy Hulk. A rat-eating Hulk.
Bruce Wayne HIMSELF has booked an appointment with Dr. Kinsolving. She wants to meet him in the botanical gardens at 2pm sharp so that she can throw magic plants at his face.
Nerd alert!
Hulk Jr. remembers now that it’s people who are the jerks, not rats. It’s people that he needs to destroy. And he remembers that he has to be scary and vengeful toward people now. And that’s a villain for ya!
A traipse around the botanical gardens with Dr. Kinsolving is just what the doctor ordered. Literally! Kinsolving thinks Bruce’s problems are psychosomatic (which means he’s fuckin’ faking it!), but more likely he’s just stressed, and stress is a bitch, and he needs some rest.
“I don’t favor drug treatment as a rule,” she says, “but your body is clearly exhausted and for some reason your mind refuses to concede the fact.” That’s called being a stubborn little bitchcake. “Even hypnosis hasn’t worked…” she adds. Yeah, because hypnosis is lame. Idiot.
Kinsolving suggests sedatives. I say give Bruce a big ol’ horse tranquilizer suppository three times a day. “Can you think of any reason for your resistance to rest?” she asks him. “Any reason you can’t let up?”
Yeah, toots. He’s Batman. He thinks he runs the town with his big swinging dick and he’ll never give that shit up even if it kills him fifteen times over. “I guess I’m just… driven,” he responds. Basically, “no”.
After insisting he has tremendous responsibilities, Kinsolving tells him to knock it off. He will never knock it off. “So maybe I’ll just… burn out,” he says, hanging his head down pathetically.
“Given your condition, any normal person would have snapped by now,” Kinsolving says. And then when Bruce says that maybe he HAS snapped, Kinsolving tells him he has done it with aplomb and grace! That will be $1,250 for the session, please.
When Kinsolving makes a reference to committing a mass shooting at a shopping mall, Bruce frowns and goes DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM, MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED BY GUNS AND I HATE GUNS AND IF YOU EVEN SO MUCH AS LOOK LIKE A GUN I WILL FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS. Kinsolving is like “oh yeah, I forgot” and then suggests some therapy for the whole parents-got-murdered thing. You know. If the sedatives work.
“At this point, more than anything, you need someone – someone who genuinely cares – and you’ve got to believe in me as a person, not just a doctor.” Then she tells him to shut up and stop arguing and go home and go to bed.
It also makes him a little horny, which may be even worse.
Bane (remember that little scamp?) is watching the footage on TV of this green dude throwing cars around. “Who is he, Bird?” he asks his mulleted companion. “Killer Croc?” he responds. “He’s a freak, Bane – with the mother of all skin problems…”
He used to be a crimelord until he got green and scaly, punching police cars and making a fracas. “What happened?” asks Bane. And Bird, with an aforementioned mullet that I can’t stop staring at since it’s so majestic, tells him that Killer Croc whacked some other crimelord named Squid, but Squid’s mooks refused to back down. So Killer Croc vowed to take out the Batman in order to prove himself to be Top Dog of Bone Mountain.
Bane is like “huh, interesting, maybe I should kill Batman instead” and then grabs his Bane mask like he’s going to do it right now while Wheel of Fortune is on.
Tim “Robin Sucks” Drake is also watching the same news program. “Batman’s gotta respond to this,” he says while Alfred scrapes poop off the fine china over a hot kitchen sink. He scowls. “I told you, Timothy – he’s just begun a week’s treatment of sedatives.”
Cut to Bruce sleeping his bed like a cozy little lamb.
Tim argues that not showing up to beat up Killer Croc is just going to invite all the weirdos over to Gotham again. Alfred is like “yeah, punk, this is why Bruce is so tired and worn out in the first place”.
Tim has a brilliant idea! And it involves stuffing hot cherry peppers with prosciutto and mozzarella. Fuck yeah.
Not pictured: Paul aiming his shotgun at the world’s most conspicuous home invader.
Guess what, Paul? You have to wear a Batman costume now and pretend to be the best crimefighter on the planet. Think you can handle that, you insufferable dork?
Meanwhile, Bane looks for Killer Croc because he’ll attract Batman, and Killer Croc invades a mall and starts throwing benches at people. “Lousy freaks!” says the freak.
“Batman” and Robin hear the news from the police radio. Let’s go!
Bane hears the news from the police radio. Let’s go!
Bruce is snoring in his bed. “N-no… mother… father…” he whimpers.
The police watch as “Batman” and Robin enter the mall. “About time,” one of the cops says uselessly.
Bane intends to enter the mall through the sewers.
Killer Croc punches a couple of mannequins that he thinks are making fun of him. He then catches a glimpse of a scrawny piece-of-shit version of Batman and lunges at him. “You… that Bat-Demon again… I wrestle you… in my nightmares…” Then he punches walls.
Bane has popped up through a grate. He is in the mall!
“Batman” and Robin are fighting Killer Croc with minimal success.
He’s too beefy, sir! We need to try psychological torture!
The three of them catch Bane on the security camera. The distraction helps Killer Croc put “Batman” in a choke-hold of sorts like he’s rasslin’ gators. But then both “Batman” and Robin punch him a couple times and he gets launched in front of a standing, menacing-looking Bane.
Bane is filled with that Venom stuff and kicks the fucking crap out of Killer Croc. Even Killer Croc is impressed! Much stronger than Batman! Like, holy cow, my testicles have been kicked into my brain!
Killer Croc is down for the count, all bloody and misshapen by broken bones and what-have-you. Bane then turns to Robin. “I’m Bane…” he says, introducing himself cordially. “…you’re not the Batman,” he continues staring at the imposter nerd before storming away.
The REAL Batman is the one to contend with.
You know, the one crying in his sleep right now. “P-please… h-help me…” he moans. LOL
Final Thoughts
Man, it’s just going to be miserable, pathetic Batman from here on out, isn’t it? That means more focus on Robin and his flat top. Which means I still won’t see Alfred put on the mask and bone four chicks at once.
A man can dream.
Click here to ridicule this post!