Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #40

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #40!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #40 [April, 1969]

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

”Foot-Loose and Fancy”

“CLYDE DIDIT BELIEVES IN TOTAL FREEDOM! THAT INCLUDES FREEDOM OF THE FEET!” I barely know Clyde, but he’s an obnoxious sunglasses-wearing afro-having white boy. And he’s taking off his boots in the hallway to show everyone his stinkin’ feet. “Mr. Tuttle frowns on non-conformists in his school!” says Josie concernedly. “Particularly the hippie type!”

Clyde doesn’t give a shit. He’s not going to wear his shoes, who’s with him?? “Ooh! He’s so in! So with it! I feel the call to freedom!” Melody sings as she starts removing her shirt, much to Josie’s utter surprise. She grabs Melody before her teen titties flop around the school hallways, but not before all the Boys start sprinting up to her hoping to get a gander! All the guys call Josie a killjoy! Booo! We want titties!

Melody walks into a locker and comes out dressed as one of those filthy, godawful hippies. Barefoot and everything. She runs down the hallway trying to get Clyde’s attention. “CLYDE! CLYDE DIDIT! WAIT! LOOK HOW FREE I AM!” She runs past Principal Plaid-Vest, who never thought he’d see the day!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

Watch out or they might start listening to those B-B-B-B-Beatles records!!

Clyde and Melody are hopping around the hallway like idiots while Mr. Baldfuck Tuttle peers around the corner. “I feel all gay and free and released, Clyde!” she says, but Mr. Tuttle might not be so fond of this free-spirited behavior! “AHA!” Clyde yells, then starts jumping up and down like a cracked jackrabbit. “STRIKE! WALK OUT! CONSTITUTION! BILL OF RIGHTS! PROTEST! REVOLT SIT IN! PICKET! NO!”

“Egad!!” says Tuttle after this weird display of just-saying-things. He tries to hatch a plan to prevent more of this unpleasantness in his school and decides to stop the janitor from cleaning the floors. You see, the weather outside is frightful, and the kids keep dragging in snow, ice, pebbles, hail, sleet, snow, ice, pebbles, and snow! He takes the janitor’s broom and sends him on a nice, long coffee break. “The answer to a principal’s prayers,” Tuttle says of the floor full of pointy, hard rocks and ice. “The flower children are in class now! The old clock is ticking away, and–”

Once the bell rings, all the kids storm out of the classrooms… and poor Clyde and Melody, they step on all the ouchie shit! Foiled!

“Mr. Tuttle, that was a dirty trick!” Clyde gripes as he writhes on the floor pulling rocks off his feet. “You hate us because we’re free!!” he yells. This is not at all obnoxious, of course. Does this kid even go to this school?

Melody tells Clyde that if she had her shoes on right now that she’d kick him straight in the balls. Clyde goes to the janitor’s closet and grabs a broom because, honestly, he ain’t going to put shoes on just because some dipshit principal hates looking at feet!

While Clyde sweeps the floors instead of going to class, Tuttle visits the chemistry lab and–

”Cry Baby”

–um. Suddenly the story has a different title. We’re in the “cry baby” stage of the bare feet storyline. So where were? Ah yes.

Anyway, as I was saying, while Clyde sweeps the floors instead of going to class, Tuttle visits the chemistry lab and BOOM! There’s an explosion that rocks the school, 15 kilotons of TNT-equivalent that disintegrates everyone into powder and ash! Take that, hippies!

Actually, the explosion releases crying gas. Clyde takes this opportunity to revolt against obviously violent warfare. “Now it’s time to organize the kids!” he yells.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

Blub! Fight the power! Blub! Glub!

Clyde stands on a bucket to try to rally his troops, but the gas spreads around the halls and everyone starts crying instead of getting fired up. A kid named Alex arrives to save the day with his gas mask that he keeps in his locker! “Have no fear, Alex is here!” he says before being promptly forgotten for the rest of the issue.

The janitor, crying, orders everyone to evacuate. “GET OUT! YOUR TEARS ARE SOAKING MY HALLS!” he yells ostentatiously. Clyde is still hollerin’ about civil rights for kids or something else that’s very ‘60s. There’s a lot of loud chaos, really. It’s getting quite preposterous.

Oh wait, Alex Cabot is the rich kid manager of the band. While the school airs out, he invites the teachers and the student body to conduct official school-related business (i.e. school) at his “luxurious home”. Great idea, dipfuck. You’re going to really piss off daddy.

Mr. Cabot looks out the window to see a procession of school buses enter his property. “EGAD!” he yells in the boldest of red letters. “He objected to going to school, so he brought the school home with him!!!”

”Higher Education”

The story continues! Everyone in the school starts strolling into the Cabot home like they own the place, but Cranky Old Mr. Cabot is not even cranky about it. He welcomes all these stinky teenagers and depressed, pill-popping teachers. “You’re more than welcome to use my home! The ballroom alone will hold several classes!” he says to Tuttle, showing him around the ol’ homestead. “The bowling alley in the basement should take a few hundred students!”

Wow, cool, man. Are you, like, rich? Fascinating. Cabot walks around observing the kids carrying books and smoking cigarettes and giving nerds swirlies, it’s nostalgic. “You know, I really enjoy this!” says Cabot. “I always wanted to be a teacher!”

Well, sir, hike up your teaching pants! Tuttle will allow you to take over one of his classes for no reason other than you’re super rich, probably. “Even monitoring the study hall will give you a taste of what it’s like!”

Study period? Swanky! Hey kids, come into the study hall. It’s actually more of an indoor pool kind of affair, honestly. A place where no studying at all will happen whatsoever. Anyway, enjoy the pool in the middle of the school day for some reason.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

Nice hat, conformist.

The pool room is full of half-naked teenagers. Josie, who says something for the first time in her own comic book, comments on how fun it looks! But Alex, looking like an even more deranged Reggie Mantle, wants to snatch her away from the fun and show her something in the cold, snowy garage instead. He grabs her arm with his best rapey face on and drags her across the house.

“How’s that?” Alex says. “Isn’t she a beauty?”

“What’s it for?” asks Josie.

“If this icy wind would turn into a nice blizzard I could show you.”

“Oh! It’s a snow plow!!”

Yay. They hop into it and take it for a spin. Again, I’m losing the thread of the story. Isn’t school stuff supposed to be happening right now? Instead, Alex is fucking careening off the road in a snow plow, driving it around the neighborhood even though there’s no damn snow on the ground. They both get mangled in a wreck and it’s not a pretty sight! No one will ever find the bodies!

”School Daze”

Kids are still having fun, but they notice out the giant window that Josie has been kidnapped by a maniac in a snow plow. Mr. Cabot knows the snow plow sucks, that it’s not ready to run, that it’s full of nitroglycerin and it’s ready to blow! He chases after Alex and Josie, thinking that his fat ass can outrun a snow plow hurtling across the grounds at 650mph. “It’s not fully assembled!” he screams into the wind. Alex rips out the steering wheel while Josie is now upside-down in the vehicle.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

Things aren’t chaotic. People aren’t going to die. This is just a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. Now who wants ice cream?

Next thing you know, the plow is crashing into the windows of Cabot’s pool room. “GAK!” screams Cabot, nostalgically thinking of the wonderful Nickelodeon goo from the 1990s. Now the cold air rushes in and freezes all the half-naked teens swimming around instead of studying like good boys and girls. They all run to sauna to warm their cold, aching bones!

This is pretty much the end. Nothing else of substance happens. The harrowing adventure of the snow plow is never concluded. The school is never reopened. And everyone hates their ice cream.

Final Thoughts

Did you notice that there were no black people at Josie’s school? Really makes you think.


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Sons of Anarchy, Season 1 – Don’t Mess with Motorcycles

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Sons of Anarchy, Season 1 (2008) (FX)

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

My Half-Baked Thoughts

If Entourage didn’t exist, I would consider Sons of Anarchy one of the most well-known fragile-masculinity small-dick-energy shows on modern TV. A group of fuckin’ tough guys that not only comprise a motorcycle club, but a gun-running motorcycle club, that isn’t very inconspicuous about their presence or their crimes in Charming, California. Now, I’m not going to pretend that this is my world whatsoever or that I can speak intelligently about it at all, but aren’t biker gangs usually just a bunch of immature bullies with ego issues who haven’t emotionally graduated from high school? Don’t they just drink and pick fights and ride their loud, oinky hogs and get mad at Priuses? SAMCRO has meetings and they go on secret missions and they kill people with little repercussions, able to outsmart ATF agents while deftly maintaining their macho exteriors! Every episode is the same: the gang gets into a really fucked up situation, they convene for ideas on how to get out of the really fucked up situation, they get out of the really fucked up situation with barely a hitch, the bad guys are thwarted, and the good guys ride away, and Jax visits his son in the NICU.

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

What the fuck is this shit? I’d rather watch Hellboy.

On that note, I enjoyed it ok! When I watched Season 1 the first time I hated Jax. He seemed like some dumb pretty boy who says stupid shit, and instead of Ron Perlman whacking him in the back of the head he’ll entertain and humor his stupid shit. How did that doofus get to be Vice President of the SAMCRO California charter, anyway? Whose hog did he have to suck to earn that title, HUH? He didn’t annoy me as much the second time around, mostly because I appreciated his level-headed stoicism under pressure. And there’s always a lot of pressure. It’s mostly self-inflicted, though. It must be very nice to be part of a club where they all hug and love each other like a real brotherhood one minute and then burn the tattoo off your back with a blowtorch if they don’t like you the next minute.

The characters as individuals? Maybe it gets better, but most of the gang is completely interchangeable. 13 whole episodes and I don’t even know half their names! Besides Jax and Clay, there’s the Scottish guy, the fat guy, the crazy guy, the nice skinhead, the old guy with an oxygen tank, and the trainee. Somebody is named “Juice”, and there’s a guy named “Tig”, and Opie has a beard!

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

We’re the Rough Boys and we’re here to fuck up your shit!

Katey Sagal plays a pretty good “I’ll do anything for muh family” stone-cold biker bitch. You can tell that Gemma was even more dangerous in her prime, and probably the only person who can turn Clay into a sniveling pile of mopey goo. She hates anyone who dares to get involved with her stupid son even if they literally love him, which is kind of a momma’s-boy turnoff. But hey, she’s like a combination of Leela and Peg Bundy for reasons I can’t articulate! You can’t go wrong with that!

Maggie Siff as Tara? Who cares!

Enough with the cast, how about the story arcs? The Mayans burning down SAMCRO’s gun storage warehouse kicks everything off and it couldn’t be less compelling. I’m glad that they lost their primary source of income, maybe these freeloaders can find some honest work once in a while. Jax’s ex-wife, Adriana from The Sopranos, has an overdose while pregnant and the hospital cuts out her premature son. They name him ABEL. Abel, as in, the fratricidal brother? One that can’t be trusted? That’s a pretty ballsy baby name in a show about the sanctity of brotherhood! Jax finding his father’s memoirs that makes him question the decisions he made in his own life as well as questions the motives of the club? Oh man, could I not give less of a shit? I enjoyed every moment where Jax was like “YEAH, BUT, HOW ABOUT WE TRY THIS WITHOUT KILLING ANYBODY” and the rest of the group stared at him like he squatted and took a giant dump in one their beer mugs. Gemma needed Clay to nip that shit in the bud, but Clay was very bad at nipping anything in the bud. The only thing Clay was useful for was delegating, and he barely even did that.

I didn’t find anything particularly interesting until they introduced Tara’s stalker, a former (older) boyfriend Joshua Kohn played by Dutch from The Shield. Disturbingly good at playing a realistic creep violating a restraining order, his scene where he basically tries to rape Tara was very uncomfortable. It was the only time in the whole season where I actually rooted for Jax, when he blew Kohn’s head off. I was like “fuck yeah” as I raised my glass of root beer to the TV (that didn’t actually happen).

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

Donna dies. Spoiler alert!

The other story arc that I enjoyed was Opie’s inclusion back into the club after his release from prison. He was torn between the club and his family for most of the season for good reason: he was flat buh-roke. Too bad that Clay and Tig decided that Opie was a rat. Too bad they didn’t have any real evidence for it at all before they decided to accidentally shoot Opie’s wife in the back of the head. Too bad the aftermath was just all “oops we fucked up tee hee”. I felt bad for Opie. He’s a family man who fell into the wrong crowd and he’ll continue to run with a wrong crowd and, you know what, Opie’s an idiot. Never mind.

Worth the Watch?

Am I gonna watch Season 2? Sure. I don’t know why, exactly. I’m not interested in bikers or their illegal dick-measuring clubs or the kind of trashy crime this all entails!

But I’ll watch it anyway. I don’t like leaving things unfinished and that Jax is a fine piece of sweaty, dirty-haired, peach-fuzzed, uneducated ass. Oh boy, son!

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

Director Skinner! You’ve changed!


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Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the The Farseer Trilogy
Book 1 of the Realm of the Elderlings series

Assassin's Apprentice

Welcome back to the Book Bonfire! I’m your host, Regis Philbin, and today we’re going to learn how the Atkins diet can SAVE YOUR LIFE!!

Also, we’re here to read Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb, something that certainly is a book, I’ll tell you that much! Actually, here’s a little bit of a preamble: I already read this book in 2018 and here are the only two things I remember about it: a) Fitz can talk to animals, and b) the Fool is smart. I don’t remember any other characters, the settings, the overall plot, why Fitz becomes in an assassin, who he is an apprentice to, whether or not he actually kills anyone, or whether or not the book has some really cool, rude swears in it. I don’t remember any of the important stuff. Fitz could be poisoning a deep-dish pizza to kill the Renaissance Boys’ Choir for all I know! I could be told that and I would believe it!

So I read the book again and, yeah, maybe there were a few more things that clicked in my head. Verity is the “nice” prince. Regal is the dickhead prince. Burrich raised Fitz, and Fitz wants to bone Molly. I didn’t remember Chade, Buckkeep, the Red-Ship Raiders, or even the Skill and any of its training. Pretty fucking important fucking plot threads and it all went down my brain tubes. How’s that for making an impression?

So, after reading it again eight years later I can see why Assassin’s Apprentice doesn’t have much lasting power. I found the book enjoyable — and I know I did the first time too or else I wouldn’t have read it again — but it’s very much an “in the moment” novel. You like it while you’re reading it and you don’t think much about it when you’re not. It’s very well written and well-plotted, showing Fitz’s progression from when he was dropped off at the royal doorstep at 6-year-old to roughly Age 14 when he’s busy remembering various poisons and sucking off Prince Verity. Throughout you see everything from Fitz’s point of view, where he gets to toe the line between royalty and commoner, and he’s at the mercy of his irregular situation. Fitz is always kind of dumb and socially awkward, and he never gets a leg-up in any conflict or predicament that he finds himself in, so he’s kind of a shitty protagonist. You can’t help but root for him, though, because he doesn’t have an arrogant bone in his body and he’s quite good at learning whatever he’s being taught even if his teachers are deliberately trying to sabotage his training (like that buttfucker “Skillmaster” Galen).

“You fucking suck, Fitz. Suck a dick.”
– Burrich

Funnily enough, they don’t focus on actual assassinations. At all. They mention it all in passing, but we never get a scene where Fitz straight up murders someone. Watching the poor dude cough and choke like Joffrey Baratheon at his own wedding. Almost like assassination and apprenticing is the backdrop to something BIGGER going on here! But hey, I read the next two books as well and I don’t fucking remember a single thing about them either. Perhaps there will be more actual killing in the stories to come. Reportedly, this book’s working title was “Chivalry’s Bastard”. This would have been much more fitting, but cursing makes me frown a lot so I’m glad they didn’t go with it!

I guess, in a nutshell, this seems to be one long setup novel. They introduce the Red-Ship Raiders and their horrible “Forging” practices (removing a person’s sense of humanity — entire populations even — through some sort of vague magic), and their indiscernible motivations. They introduce the “Skill”, this vague telepathic ability to channel thoughts into others’ minds and, in the case of Prince Verity, somehow temporarily ward off the Red-Ship Raiders. They introduce the “Wit”, Fitz’s perverse ability to communicate a bond with animals. None of this gets entirely fleshed out, leaving one to imagine that it’s building up to something.

But, then again, I hear that all of Hobb’s novels follow the same sort of lowkey ambling plot trajectory. I’m fine with it. You need a book like that once in a while, and there’s not much like it in the fantasy genre that I’ve come across. 15 books to go!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“You fucking suck, Fitz. Suck a dick.”
– The Fool

Pick out several characters and discuss how well they do or do not uphold the virtues of their names.
Aha, a fine question! Royalty, as if it were an obligation, bestow upon their kin these terrible Puritan names. I hate each and every single one.

King Shrewd – Oh, he’s shrewd all right. Cunning. At least we’re told that. I didn’t see much evidence of this guy being too shrewd. The most he does is permit Fitz to learn skills in the castle in order to not be a threat to the family line, including combat, Skilling, and *cough cough* poisoning people. Whether or not it’s actually shrewd is up for debate!

Prince Verity – Verity most certainly lives up to his name, being very much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person. Kind, helpful, unapologetically absent-minded in a kind of “I’m royalty and I don’t give much thought, or much of a fuck, about social pleasantries” way. Verity is very much the good guy, though, but he seems a bit dumb. He seems like he would be played by Paul Rudd in a movie.

Prince Regal – Regal is a jerkass. This one doesn’t need further analysis. Real A+ motherfucker stuff going on with this guy.

Lady Patience – Talk about impatient! OK, I’m done.

How does Fitz’s identity crisis emerge as one of the main themes?
It all started when he formed his band Fitz and the Tantrums in 2008. Ever since then it’s been all “who am I?” lol

“You fucking suck, Fitz. Suck a dick.”
– Society in general

Fitz is a bastard, we can start there. At the beginning of the book, Fitz’s grandfather drops him off at an outpost all like “you guys can take care of him now, I’m sick of him.” Fitz was only six at the time, nameless and alone and with a shirt full of chili stains. When Burrich takes him in, he’s the one that provides to him the unfortunate appellation of “Fitz” (meaning “bastard” in the Six Duchies), which is pretty mean for a guy who basically raises him with all the love and care that a gruff, unhappy stableman can provide.

Then he’s called “Boy” by the Buckkeep town and castle grounds personnel. Then he’s called “Thomas” by Lady Patience. Then he’s called “FitzChivalry” by Prince Verity. It’s like, pick a fucking name and stick with it. The poor kid has already been through enough, getting dragged around on tedious errands and extended assassination-related journeys.

So, yeah, if I were Fitz I’d be dying my hair black and shopping at Hot Topic to try to find a semblance of personal identity! Maybe he’ll do that in Book 2.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good, but not for everybody. Assassin’s Apprentice is slow on the action, but realistic in character development. If you want to see a depressed teenager get kicked around for 400 pages, then you’ll be in paradise! If, like me, you’re not big on the special talking-to-animals ability, then skip this fucking shit. Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you?


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Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “True Believers (Chapter 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the True Believers storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “True Believers (Chapter 1)”! In the previous series (!), Alex turned out to be the no-good mole and he got fucking killed, so now the Runaways team is down to five kids with no clear discernible leader.

BUT THAT WILL CHANGE WHEN CHARLES IN CHARGE IS IN CHARGE!

But seriously, I’m looking forward to this. Let’s read it!

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [April, 2005]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“True Believers (Chapter 1)”

Runaways (Vol. 2) Issue #1

Los Angeles, California – 9:17pm

A couple of teenagers – one thin and weasely, one fat and smelly-looking – are hanging out in a messy bedroom shootin’ the shit about Spider-Man, etc. Fatso thinks Spider-Man is a banger, but Weasel says that only Fox News and the Daily Bugle think that he’s a criminal. The Bugle is the least-respected newspaper in New York!

This conversation gets interrupted by Weasel’s homemade police scanner, which declares a 10-39 in progress. Weasel recognizes this as a masked felony – supervillain shit. “Real bad guys? Here? We gotta check ‘em out!” says Fatso. Weasel’s curfew is 8:30pm and he’ll get a spanking if he’s caught outside after dark, so no dice hombre.

“Fft, you’re gonna look back on this and hate yourself someday, bro,” says Fatso. After some tough talk, Weasel looks wistfully at his open bedroom window. This kid is so getting grounded.

Downtown – 9:19pm

A group of costumed blowjobs have just pulled off a super bank heist! Piledriver, Excavator, Thunderball, Wrecker, and Bulldozer. Isn’t that cute? Anyway, they’re going to start bouncing around L.A. now that The Pride is apparently gone! “This was their turf,” says Wrecker. “Any mask who tried to make a play for it would get sent back to the Big Apple… piece by piece.”

But now the Pride are dead, betrayed by their lousy kin. And who knows where their lousy kin is these days. Heh heh. Hey, who’s that immediately ahead?

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #1

I’ve seen Mean Girls. This won’t end well.

“The Hell is this?” says Thunderball.

“I don’t know,” smiles Wrecker, “but I’ll take a box of Thin Mints.”

The minor in question is Excavator, who is like 15 years old or something. Nico tells the group of baddies to hand him over before they fuck them all up seven ways to Sunday. “Haven’t you seen the news, Ricky?” says Karolina. “Your grandparents are worried sick about you.”

Ricky don’t give a shit! He hoots and hollers about those old fogies being nothing but fogies. He’s rolling with Piledriver (his dad) now!

Welp, negotiations are over. Time to get fighty and mean about it. Karolina turns into that incandescent alien ball of light that she does so well and blasts Piledriver across the street. “They’re muties!” cries Bulldozer. “Light ‘em up!”

Karolina tells him that she’s an extraterrestrial, thank you very much! Molly calls Bulldozer a racist.

Excavator, the kid, tries to hit Molly over the head with his magic shovel, but it splinters into a million little pieces. He makes a “buh” face as Molly’s eyes turn violet. “Too bad. Our club coulda used another boy.” Then it’s KAAPOW! Punched down the fucking street, bitch. Fuck you, Excavator. Your pants are full of poop and you suck.

Nico takes this opportunity to bleed a little bit FROM HER VAGINA and extract the Staff of Whatsits from her chest. “Deconstruct,” she declares, which turns Bulldozer into a pile of pancakes. He’ll regenerate in an hour or two, so don’t worry. *kicks around the pieces* He ain’t dead.

Now it’s Gertrude’s turn to show everyone what she’s made of! Nothing, as it turns out. But she has a big-ass 87th-century dinosaur buddy that comes a-roarin’ out of the trees, scaring the literal crap out of Thunderball. And by that I mean he chews on his face for a bit. Gertrude stands there proudly like she lifted a single fucking finger.

Gert gets punched in the jaw by Wrecker, who has it all figured out. “You’re The Pride’s kids, ain’t you?” But before he has a chance to say “boo”, Chase lands on top of him with eight tons of Leapfrog. “Sorry I’m late, baby!” he says. “I totally forgot to gas up the Leapfrog last night. Had to ‘borrow’ ninety gallons of unleaded from the Circle A…”

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Worst heroes of all time right here.

So this little Excavator shit is unconscious and stupid-looking all sprawled out on the street like that. Gert vetoes letting him in the club. “No offense to your dearly departed boyfriend,” she tells Nico, “but the last thing we need is another Alex to stab us in the back.”

Noted! That’s the smart thinking we keep you around for, Gert. Plus your dinosaur. And… uhm…

ANYWAY, there’s an Excelsior Meeting in the basement going on right now at the Holy Trinity Church! A young woman named Michiko Mushashi – Mickey – tells the group that she moved here to L.A. three months ago to work for the Los Angeles Times! And she and this guy named Phil Urich *points* hope to make Excelsior a nationwide outreach program by *checks watch* 10pm. So let’s hustle! Thanks for coming to the first meeting, by the way.

“Like everyone here tonight, Phil and I are former teenage superheroes,” Mickey smiles while Phil makes a face that looks like he’s ready to fuck Mickey if she’ll let him.

You see, Mickey was saved from a life of superherodom by continuing her college education and getting a degree in journalism. But enough about her, some dude named Chris has a story! Go Chris!

“Oh, uh, sure. My name’s Chris Powell, and I’m… well, I used to be Darkhawk.” He found an amulet in high school and got all sorts of superpowers from it, like laser-vision and free Taco Bell. Superhero stuff was fun for a while until he started getting these rude-ass nightmares. He realized he wasn’t cut out for the job, seeing the kind of stuff that superheroes see. You know?

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #1

You’ll be waitressing for a long time, Julie.

Anyway, shut up Chris. Julie has something to say now. Julie stands up and talks about how superheroing robbed her of a normal childhood. “With the help of therapy, I’m trying to get some of that innocence back.”

OK, cork it, Julie. It’s Johnny’s turn now. Johnny looks like he shot up heroin about 14 minutes ago, and his problem is that he was such a Z-list superhero that every time he went out to fight crime, some other superhero was already taking care of it. “I wasn’t a superhero… I was superfluous.” Very clever, Johnny! Go get some cake at the table over there.

Mickey and Phil take the floor again. This is why they created Excelsior, to help these people regain the normal lives that had left behind. I mean, Phil enjoyed his time as the Green Goblin, but now it makes more sense at this stage of his life right now to…

“Hold the bleedin’ phone!” yells a guy, starting to rev up his fire-face superpower. “This kid’s the Green Goblin?”

Well… uh… no… he just found one of the Green Goblin’s suits and used it for Good instead of Evil, and–

Mickey tells fire-face to calm his fuck-ass down and introduce himself. He’s Jono, known as Chamber, and he’s just here for the free pizza he read about in the email.

Mickey gets a call and breaks off from the group. The person on the other end, whom she doesn’t know, compliments her on forming the group and tells her that there are young kids, not just adults, who could use Excelsior’s help as well. Ones that are just starting superheroing. Mickey gets suspicious, thinking she’s being asked to go find kids on the street to scoop up. “All I’m asking your team to do is help me find five runaways…” says the mysterious man/woman/goat, “…and in exchange, I’ll give your organization one million dollars, enough to reach out to every cape and cowl who’s ever lived the life.”

Mickey likes the sound of money! “Keep talking,” she says. I see the beginnings of more running away in the future from America’s favorite five kids!

Beneath the La Brea Tar Pits Museum

Molly gripes about their shitty “beneath the La Brea Tar Pits museum” secret hideout. It used to be run by The Pride, so their stink is all over it. Everyone tells her to go to hell.

“Us taking down The Pride was like the U.S. taking down Saddam. We got rid of a monster, but we didn’t plan for what would happen next,” Nico points out. “Our parents may have been awful people, but at least they maintained some kind of… order.”

Chase is beside himself at Nico praising her parents, but that’s not the point. The point is, sir, that the Runaways have a responsibility to clean up their parents’ mess.

Suddenly, a young woman who looks remarkably like Nico appears in the Yorkes’ time machine.

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #1

It’s TIME to get a watch! Ha ha ha! Wait, that’s not what you asked…

“Ah… Karolina’s still here… must be 2005,” the young woman says. Gert threatens to sic her dinosaur on their new arrival until the young woman tells all of them that she is, indeed, Gertrude from the future! In twenty years, she’ll be leading the Avengers. And she’s going to be betrayed by someone that, and I quote, “she’s stupid enough to put on her team.”

Anyway, all her Avengers were slaughtered and it’s all her fault. Old Gertrude, not Young Gertrude. Well, it’s partially Young Gertrude’s fault, if you want to be honest. Every hero on the planet – murdered!

“A supposed champion named ‘Victorious’,” Old Gertrude explains. “He’s the most powerful man on the planet…” Well, you would have to be with a name like “Victorious”, I suppose. And only the Runaways can stop him!

…

Karolina is all like “Listen, lady. We’re just kids.” But Old Gertrude begs them to find Victorious-as-a-Boy and jam a stick in his neck. She shows them all a picture of a handsome young man named Victor Mancha. He grew up in Los Angeles, and he’s… HEY! Guess what? That’s Weasel’s name from the beginning of the comic! How about that??

“His father…” Old Gertrude pants, “is a villain from your time… the greatest evil… in the universe…”

Then she dies before she can tell Chase how much she loves him. Too bad, so sad.

Gertrude isn’t convinced; she thinks this is one last mindfuck by their parents from beyond the grave.

Nico takes a step back. Then a step forward. Then a step back again! “What if this woman was telling the truth?” she says poignantly. What do they do about it?

“I say we find him…” says Chase, cradling the older version of his girlfriend. “…and we rip his damn heart out.”

Final Thoughts

Okay, okay, time travel is good stuff. Me likey. There’s an implication that Karolina gets hella killed in or around 2005, cool cool cool. Consider my curiosity verily piqued! Don’t ruin it, Vaughan.


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Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #619 – “Chapter 12: The End”

* Part 12 of 12 of the Hush storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #618 – “Chapter 12: The End”! The end, indeed. In the previous installment Batman fights a fake Jason Todd who turns out to be Clayface in a crafty disguise, so Batman continues to be completely befuddled as to who is actually pulling the strings around here.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #619 [November, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 12: The End”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #619

Some inconsequential guy named Harold, whom Batman visits on the Gotham City Bridge, gets shot by a dual-wielding gunman. It looks like it might be Harvey Dent, but that’s weird, right? I guess we’ll find out soon enough…

Pour one out for Harold, my good man.

“You’ve murdered him.” Batman clenches his teeth menacingly. The mysterious man wrapped in bandages WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE TWO-FACE aims his two guns at Batman now.

Batman reminisces about our dearly departed Harold. He used to be mute, his body misshapen, he wandered through life as a victim. He could speak to machines and electronics, and therefore was very good at cyberchips and internets. Batman thought he did good by him by allowing him to work in the Batcave. Oh well!

The murderer starts quoting Aristotle, which confuses Batman. None of his enemies are well-read! What gives??

The maniac starts shooting and Batman starts dodging. Remember Harold? Batman’s back on Harold. You see, the Penguin found Harold wandering the streets once. Penguin took advantage of him and helped him do serious criming until Batman scooped him up and subjected him to Batcave slave labor. Someday, Batman had hoped to restore his voice. Until then, a fancy kazoo was utilized for communication. Just kidding! Or am I?

“Harold’s death is meant to keep me off balance. His betrayal leaves my attention unfocused. I have to shut all of that out.” So the ever-calculative Batman attempts to figure out who his assailant is. A shooter who quotes Aristotle, for starters. Generic trench coat. Gun specs that prove inconsequential. “When this… all began, someone severed the Batline. I fell, fracturing my skull. Since then, I have been searching for that individual.”

Oh, I get it. This issue is going to be 75% rehashing of previous events while a gunman keeps aiming poorly and shooting at Batman! Fun! Is this for everyone who jumped into the Hush storyline in the last issue. Because fuck them.

“THE GAME ENDS TONIGHT!” Batman yells, kicking tha bandaged man with one oversized boot.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #619

When he caught Bruce Wayne jerking off in a tuxedo in the bathroom during the most lavish ball of the year.

“Where did you get this?” Batman asks, ripping off a green pendant from the man’s neck. The pendant that Harley Quinn tried to steal from Thomas Elliot at the opera. The one he was buried with.

The bandaged man calls Batman “Bruce”, spooking him a little bit. Batman is starting to think that this is Thomas Elliot back from the dead, but that’s plumb impossible! “WHY hide your face? WHO ARE YOU?!” Batman screams while bleeding all over the damn place. Again. The bandaged man just stands there, asking Batman if he thinks it’s a coincidence that they’re both here on this bridge on a rainy night. The same kind of night when Thomas’ parents had that car accident…

“I do not know how you could have heard these stories – but Doctor Thomas Wayne did everything in his power to save the Elliots.”

Well, he didn’t, did he? And Bruce promised that he would. He promised.

“What is this all about? A child’s broken promise?” Batman punches the man again. “No, Bruce, I was never angry that your father let me father die on the operating table. It was that he let my mother live.”

Batman is confuzzled.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #619

So fuck you. Sins of the father, and all that. Eat shit, cunt.

An explosion rocks the house, son. Batman gets blown toward the bandaged Thomas Elliot Zombie, who tells Batman that he was lucky his parents died and left him with an immense fortune while he had to wait years for his mother to die of cancer. He admits that he strapped the Batmobile with C-4 while Batman and Harold were chit-chatting. “I’m taking you to Arkham where everyone else gets the pleasure of unmasking–”

“PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES!” yells Jim Gordon with a gun. “PUT YOUR KNEES IN THE AIR AND YOUR HANDS ON YOUR KNEES, AND DO A BACKFLIP AND LAND ON YOUR KNEES WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND YOUR KNEES ON YOUR HANDS!”

“NOW.”

Thomas Elliot grimaces. Jim Gordon to the rescue, eh? Batman, getting half-Nelsoned by Thomas, tells Gordon to take the shot, but Batman and Thomas are too close together for a clean hit.

Harvey Dent emerges from near the smoking Batmobile. He’s not afraid to take such a risky shot! BLAM BLAM, right in the shoulders. Batman waxes nostalgic about his former good friend Harvey Dent, who got acid splashed in his face and became Two-Face. His face looks better now, and Batman wonders of this friendship can now be rekindled?

Thomas falls off the side of the bridge, and Batman follows him. He must know if it’s actually him underneath all those mummy bandages.

“Look,” Dent turns to Gordon,” I shot ‘Elliot’ in that alley. It’s how I knew the Joker was innocent.” Turns out that ‘Elliot’ was Clayface, too. Always with the Clayface. “You’ll be charged for this,” warns Gordon. Dent just smiles. “I’ll take my chances with the courts.”

Batman comes back up out of the water and onto the bridge, wondering who did Dent’s plastic surgery. “You’re kidding, right? You just saw him take a header off this bridge. Friend of Bruce Wayne’s. Elliot. Doctor Thomas Elliot. Did the work in Philadelphia.

“Thomas Elliot is dead,” says Bruce, but Dent tells him to dig up the grave. He’ll find clay residue.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #619

Have you ever seen a more beautiful sight in your life, Jim? The terrifying flames are like a serene sunrise…

Two weeks later, Huntress stands atop a tall building posing like a badass on top of a bust of a gothic, uh, bird. Catwoman shows up to give her shit about being affected by Scarecrow’s fear gas. “You’re angry with me, Batman, everyone… but mostly you’re mad at yourself.” Catwoman smiles. Huntress tells her to go to hell. You know. For her sins.

Huntress asks Catwoman if it’s worth it to keep changing costumes and switching sides on the good vs. bad thing. “…Yes. As long as you’re doing it for yourself… and not for what someone else thinks of you.

Superman meets up with Batman in the Batcave, where bats come to play. Batman is beating himself up for taking so long to crack the case that he pretty much failed anyway. Superman tells him that detective work is like finding your eyeglasses. They’re always in the last place you look! Heh heh. *avuncular clap on the back*

“How could I have not known what was going on around me?” Batman grits his teeth angrily. He pushes a button on his computer console and shows Superman how Thomas Elliot got to him: “Subliminals. Every time I used the computer, Harold’s hidden relay would randomly flash his image. When I fell… when I needed a surgeon… I only thought of Doctor Thomas Elliot.”

“Bruce, what can I do to help?” Superman asks. How about shutting up for starters, then going to hell.

Batman wonders how Thomas Elliot found him in Metropolis. And everywhere else for that matter. Superman uses his x-ray vision and discovers a chip – a homing device – implanted in Batman’s skull. Damn you Thomas Elliot and your incredibly invasive surgery!

“Burn it,” says Batman.

“I could hurt–”

“Do it.”

So Superman fries Batman’s brain like an egg. He stands up and decides that Thomas Elliot did not work alone. The detective work continues…

*intermission*

*dancing popcorn tells you to go to the lobby*

Batman travels to Arkham Asylum and becomes very wordy at whoever is there listening to him. We don’t know who it is yet, but rest assured that it’s probably Jermaine Jackson. Batman surmises that it all began with Killer Croc kidnapping the kid for the ransom, but the man he’s talking to didn’t need the ransom. Thomas Elliot financed all of it. Then he got Kryptonite for Poison Ivy’s lipstick. He promised he could surgically fix Croc’s mutation… for a price. Scarecrow did the evaluations. Poison Ivy was involved because of the money. Harley Quinn? She’ll do anything the Joker wants to do. The Joker? Hmm… he was promised butt stuff? Maybe the whole Jason Todd thing piqued his interest. And Clayface? Money! It all comes down to money in the end, does it not? Ra’s? Not really in the game, was he? He just wanted to know who was using the Lazarus Pits.

The thus-far unseen man is doing a crossword puzzle. “How do you know it was me?”

Now for some dumb shit! “Elliot’s medical records are in storage in Philadelphia. You didn’t use your real name. But… ‘Arthur Wynne’. The man who invented the crossword puzzle. That was the missing piece.”

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! Would that be funny if I just ended it right then and there? 12 issues and then anticlimax? What an lol that would be.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #619

Terminal Riddler! The perfect criminal. Bask in his glory.

It was the Riddler all along! “You were diagnosed as terminal. When you came out of the pit, you must’ve been quite mad.”

“Not mad. Angry. I used to be somebody in this town. Now, everybody has a gimmick. I was going to show them all. And I did.”

Riddler thought he had a gambit: a cure for cancer. Thomas Elliot’s mother died from it, he would have done anything to help cure it. “Turns out, he wanted something more.”

So Riddler came up with “Hush”, the bandaged man in a trench coat. It started as a funny ha-ha-type joke! “Then, Scarecrow started singing the song. ‘Hush, Little Baby…’ It’s about a kid who can’t be satisfied. And it stuck.”

And now, somehow – I don’t know how because I’m not paying much attention! — Riddler knows Batman’s secret identity: Jermaine Jackson! Barring that, Bruce Wayne.

Batman has his own gambit. He knows Riddler better than he knows himself, for serious. Just a man made out of riddles and nothing more. Edward Nigma. Yeah, that’s right. Fuck you, too. “In case you ever again do decide to trade on my identity… keep in mind Ra’s al Ghul is still looking for who used his pit.”

Riddler buries his face in his hands, defeated! “Get out,” he mutters.

“One last thing.” Batman turns around. “Why Jason? Why bring the boy into it?”

It’s because Riddler lost so many times to Batman that he wanted to really hit him where it hurt, that’s why. Fucker. “His grave is empty. Where is Jason’s body now?” He smiles. “That is a riddle, isn’t it?”

Right in the face! Punch! Riddler gets his nose bloodied! That’s the shit that’ll get you owned, sir. A guard comes into the cell to see if everything’s all right. “He fell,” replies Batman, and then he takes his leave.

Later, Batman stands in the graveyard where he buried Harold. Catwoman watches from the branch of a tree. She can’t believe it was the Riddler all along.

Now there’s the situation where both Batman and Catwoman know each other’s secret identities. Batman claims that he’s not very good at having partners or opening himself up to anyone, but Catwoman reminds him about fuckin’ Nightwing, Robin, Alfred, Oracle, et al.

When Catwoman tells Batman to “hush”, he gets all mad at her and grabs the fuck out of her wrists, hurting her. “What the hell is wrong with you, Bruce?” And now Batman wonders if she can really trust Catwoman. He wonders if she may have been part of all this… and they both wonder when they can really trust each other.

Anyhoo, show’s over, folks.

Final Thoughts (For Real This Time)

What a ride! Another epic Batman story in the books. What’s next for the caped crusader? Will he help Nightwing with his homework? Will he give Robin a spanking? Stay tuned for the next storyline: “Daddy Batman”.

On second thought, kill me instead.


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