The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 22: “The Price of the Ring”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

I’m going to try to keep this as short and sweet as possible since it’s a fairly long chapter. Egwene, running on fumes, is taken to the Accepted trials forthwith. Elaida is particularly grumpy because it’s late, and the Amyrlin is out of line for wanting to do this RIGHT NOW, but them’s the breaks. The ter’angreal arches are waiting. Egwene still has her paperwork and her ter’angreal ring in her arms, but she hadn’t realized until after she accepted the trials that she should have squirreled them away somewhere. BUT, because she would get kicked out of the Tower for declining at that point, she places her clothes on top of the pile and hopes no one in the room rifles through the paperwork.

Alanna Sedai notices a weird hum, and she only brings it up because it has never happened before in her history of participating in the Accepted trials. The hum leaves as quickly as it came, and they begin the trials.

THE WAY THINGS WERE: Egwene is married to Rand and they have a baby. They’re still in Emond’s Field. Rand speaks news of a war going on with the Seanchan and complains of headaches. One particular headache causes him to collapse, and while he screams and cries in pain, the arch opens up and Egwene walks through it sobbing herself.

THE WAY THINGS ARE: Egwene is in Caemlyn, or what’s left of it. The city is ruined, her dress is torn, and Darkfriends are swarming the streets. She runs through the rubble, steps around an Aes Sedai’s dead body, and finds Rand stuck under a fallen beam. The whole room would collapse if it were moved. Rand laughs and says he could move the whole beam and the ceiling if he damn well wanted to. If the Darkfriends catch him, though, they’ll turn him to the Shadow. And he can’t have that. So Rand begs Egwene to kill him, and she cannot even dream of such an action. He begs, she cries, the arch opens up and Egwene walks through

When Sheriam tries to goad Egwene through the third arch, Egwene asks if Darkfriends — Dreadlords — are actually able to turn people to the Shadow. After a time, Sheriam hisses that it’s not unheard of but many do not know the information. One who channels is susceptible to this if thirteen Dreadlords weaves their Power through thirteen Myrddraal. Egwene is like “oh yeah, uh, Liandrin left with twelve Darkfriends”, and Sheriam tells her to cork it and continue with the trial.

THE WAY THINGS WILL BE: Egwene is the Amyrlin Seat of the Green Ajah. Things don’t seem right. It’s like she simultaneously knows she’s Head Honcho and just a novice who has never taken the Three Oaths. Her Keeper, Beldeine, says “they” will be growing impatient, and then leads Egwene to the Hall of the Tower. There, Elaida — recognized as Egwene’s rival — stands up and asks to bring in Rand. He has declared himself the Dragon Reborn, so let’s gentle the fuck out of him and then grab some lunch. Egwene ekes out a very minor beginning of a refusal, to which Elaida is all like TRAITOR! Beldeine knocks Egwene over the head, and then Egwene wakes up naked in a room with thirteen Dreadlords and thirteen Myrddrall. Egwene screams and starts channeling, burning all the Myrddraal to crisps. She runs away and finds Beldeine, who insists that she was stilled and extorted to betray Egwene. Rand is now getting gentled at the Traitor’s Court. Egwene “can help more than they think” because she has never held an Oath Rod. No swearing Oaths, and yet here she is.

Egwene hears voices outside an arch that sound like frantic Aes Sedai trying to hold the doorway open. Egwene goes through the arch at the last second, sad to be betraying Rand once again.


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Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957 – “Path of Doom (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Path of Doom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957 – “Path of Doom (Part 1)”!

Action Comics, you say? Aren’t there about a thousand of those! Yes! And more! And I’m going to jump into Issue #957, right at the DC Rebirth reboot. I heard it’s good, and it better be. That fucking DC Rebirth Superman has sucked my shit so far, so I’m looking for a palate cleanser.

It’s Superman, though, and almost every Superman story I’ve read sucks large dongs. Let’s see if we can break the streak.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957 [August, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 1)”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957

“Perimeter secured. No one – and I mean no one — fires until I have the word.”

ACTION! The Metropolis SWAT Team, or rather the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit, are staked outside of a building while Jimmy “Archie Andrews” Olsen has his $14 camera. Four gunmen are holding a company hostage, demanding eggrolls and unlimited access to Disney+. “Whatever their agenda is…” says Maggie Sawyer, Captain of the MSCU, “…we have to let it play out.”

Inside, the employees are on their knees huddled on the floor. The gunmen are like “DON’T MOVE, BITCHES! WE’RE WEARING SKI MASKS!” A man asks what they want, and when one tells him to stop talking (bitch), another is like “Durrrr, what do we want exactly?”

Someone cuts the power. 20 seconds until the generator kicks in… but that doesn’t matter anymore. SUPERMAN IS BACK FROM THE DEAD, BABY, AND HE’S READY TO LIGHT UP SOME ARSE! POW POW! BOOM! CRACK! POW! YIP YIP! SMASH! POW! ARSE!

Outside, the MSCU and Olsen hear the screams of Superman simply pulverizing the gunmen into thick paste. Not the screams of Superman, I mean. The screams of the pasty gunmen.

But it’s not Superman. It’s someone very unlike Superman…

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957

What’s up, Mr. Clean? Looks like you got a new day job!

Lex Luthor saved the day? What is this shit, now? From what I understand about Lex Luthor, he does not like to save days. I suppose we’ll see how this all came to be in the first place…

…But for now, let’s visit Upstate. I like to think that Metropolis is in Guam, so we’re in Upstate Guam of course. Clark Kent, Lois, and his sonny boy Jon are unloading boxes into their brand spankin’ new house! Nice digs, fam. Some real cozy happenings. Jon asks his Pops how many different planets he’s been to and how many different aliens he’s met. Clark tells his son to cork it.

Jon is tired of unpacking. Can’t Clark do this in about five seconds? Lois bends down and tells her petulant son that Superman’s powers are for special situations only. Domestic convenience? Nein! It’s for protecting people, not alphabetizing your Xbox games. Get a grip.

Jon had already hooked up the TV because, well, priorities. The family sees a heroic Lex Luthor wearing the ‘S’ shield.

“Superman, our brave and noble protector, is dead,” Luthor says heroically. “He died, in service to us all,” he says like a hero. “A city so majestic and grand as Metropolis cannot go unprotected,” he says like a male version of a heroine. “So I pledge to you… here and now… that as long as I am here… I, Lex Luthor, will be your Superman… and Metropolis will be safe under my protection.”

What a tool.

In the midst of this, Clark storms upstairs to the master bedroom (where little Jon has already jerked off in) and pulls open a dresser drawer. He pulls out an artifact that looks like a glass shard, zaps it with eyeball lasers, and suddenly his beard is gone! Now that’s useful!

I’m trying to get on their page here, but it’s tough. Clark knows that Lex Luthor is like Asshole Prime, but Lois says the Lex Luthor on their world is. This world might be different. Clark even investigated this Luthor with remote anal probes and found nothing alarming except a malignant tumor. “Our work needs to stay secret for Jon’s sake,” Lois adds.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957

Not every world needs a fucking Superman, homie. Get over yourself.

But no, Clark will be the Superman that this world needs. Screw Luthor, that guy smells like two-week-old bisque. Clark dons the Superman outfit and flies to Metropolis immediately.

Captain Maggie Sawyer and one of her lowly officers discuss what the gunmen’s motive was. It’s weird. There was no motive. They didn’t even know why the hell they were there in the first place! Curious. “All they know is that they were supposed to draw attention to the main lobby,” the officer says. They searched the upstairs and found a giant vault that was impossibly open and impossibly empty. “A diversion,” surmises Sawyer. “Which means this isn’t over.”

“Indeed not, Captain. It has barely begun.”

OooOoOoooOOOOoo, chills! Did you feel that? CHILLS! And all the while Lex Luthor continues to blah blah blah and talk himself up about being a very competent Super-type Man for the people. “It’s time for Metropolis to turn to one of its own. A man who understands what the city really needs. As a tribute, I’ll wear his cape and symbol in hopes it will inspire us all. Rest assured in the knowledge that you are safe. Each and every one of you.”

*man dies of heart attack during speech*

Luthor has said enough. Too much, even. Because the REAL Superman shows up! Ha! How do you like them apples, you sad little bald man? “You may sound like him… look like him…” Luthor says after regaining composure. “But he’s dead.”

Olson’s calling up Perry “Bunk Moreland” White to get a reporter to the scene as soon as ASAP possible.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957

I shaved my beard for this so that you know that I’m serious!

“You’re an imposter,” Lex continues. “A trick of some kind. Sent by whom, I wonder?”

“No trick,” Superman retorts.

“You seem older. More confident. But you aren’t him. You can’t be Superman.”

And this goes on. Meanwhile, Lois and Jon are watching this on TV with the latter going “WHY IS DAD SHOWING HIMSELF IN PUBLIC, I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET!” and the former going “Errrr…”

At the Daily Planet, an unknown off-panel individual volunteers to go report on the Luthor/Superman showdown. White is amazed, but we don’t get to see why yet! Maybe it’s TOM BROKAW?!

Superman wants Luthor to take that fucking ‘S’ off his person. And the cape, too, while you’re at it. Luthor refuses with a dark smirk. So Superman reaches out to rip the ‘S’ off himself, but it comes equipped with a Luthor-brand automated defense system! It shoots a brilliant blue light at Superman, rendering him with floaties in his eyes and not much more. So Superman punches Luthor, sending him flying against a car. He almost chuckles to himself. “Same old Luthor…” he thinks as if he were the kid in Problem Child. Luthor tells the public to get to safety and this imposter is dangerous.

ACTION! Luthor guns down Superman with his bullet fists, which of course doesn’t work. It never works. Jon and Lois watch on TV with rapt attention, with Lois informing her dear son that fighting is never the first option even though Superman pretty much chose it as his first option.

The mysterious reporter shows up to the scene, causing Jimmy Olsen to gibber.

Lex Luthor keeps asking who Superman is.

Superman keeps saying “I’m Superman.”

Lex Luthor keeps saying that Superman died.

Superman keeps saying “Wrong-o.”

The fighting is pretty destructive. Buildings get destroyed. People cower. Cakes get left out in the rain.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #957

Yeah? And I’m Edward James Lou Diamond Olmos Phillips.

The mysterious reporter turns out to be Clark Kent, which is crazy because Clark Kent is supposed to be Superman and Superman can’t be in two places at once! Or can he?? I’ll have to look into that later.

And now that Clark Kent has shown up, Luthor is double skeptical. Even Lois and Jon at home are like “buh?”

Then some more stuff happens. Someone somewhere says that a coffin is open.

Lex Luthor calls Clark Kent an impostor.

Clark Kent says he’s Clark Kent.

A ship blows up in the sky.

A figure drops down to Earth.

I microwave some pizza rolls.

The figure is DOOMSDAY!

ACTION!

And I’m bored.

Final Thoughts

A slow start, for sure, and the issue is predicated on previous knowledge that a) the real Superman is dead, and b) this is a completely different universe or something? And now fake Clark is taking it upon himself to fill the role of Superman, which is something he should be doing anyway, right?

This Doomsday shit is going to be hella boring, I can already tell.

I love comics! Can’t you tell?!?!


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Jane’s Journey, Chapter 5 – A Meeting with Master Vigo

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In Ironsworn, you are a hero sworn to undertake perilous quests in the dark fantasy setting of the Ironlands. You will explore untracked wilds, fight desperate battles, forge bonds with isolated communities, and reveal the secrets of this harsh land. Most importantly, you will swear iron vows and see them fulfilled—no matter the cost.

Eren is very talkative, for better or for worse. The young man had been in Winterwood but two days and already knew the lay of the land as if he were born and bred here. “I’m from Hidden Brook in the north of the Havens. It doesn’t take that long to get here in horse a carriage, not really. Father was going to join me on my trip here, but he had to tend to his books. My father is a bookkeeper for the House of Sarda, he’s very important. I don’t want to keep books, I’d rather mix potions. Alchemy is the key. Alchemy is the future of humanity! I’m going to learn how to mix new and better medicines, create more valuable gems and stones, even better metals for weapons and armor! If one is interested, of course. I’m not much interested in fighting or battles or wars or anything of the sort. Is that a bow?”

I became acutely self-conscious of the bow and quiver knocking against my back with each step. “Alchemy sounds very… lucrative,” I said conversationally. My legs still ached from the wolf fights, but the poultices were doing their good work.

“Oh yes! One can pursue an outstanding career in alchemy; there are so many different disciplines one could study, as well. Herbology, medicine, metallurgy, astronomy, metaphysics, divination…”

While Eren talked up alchemy, I looked around at everyone in town as they worked and socialized. It was so much like Wolfspire that I felt quite at home. Modest thatched houses, women sweeping shopfronts with brooms, women and children hanging clothes on clotheslines, a smithy working an anvil, wardens and mercenaries roaming the streets. No castle grounds in Winterwood, however. And, of course, there was an enormous structure on one end of the town that I assumed was the college. I felt foolish for thinking I needed help finding such a place, you can see it from any vantage point in town.

We eventually arrived at the front gates of the school. The high noon sun blared with a heat that was unseasonably warm for summer in the Tempest Hills. Definitely a change after the chilly travels I had undertaken yesterday. “Say, Eren? You are following the potion discipline, as you’ve said?” I might be lucky enough to acquire this draught right now with enough smooth-talking. “Who is your master of potions?”

“That would be Master Vigo!” Eren responded excitedly. “He is the most knowledgeable potions master the college has had in over 300 years! More clever than Master Jaggar and more resourceful than Master Davin. Why, j–”

“Thank you, Eren. Could it possible to be introduced to him? As a Lady of the House of Kormack, I’m sure he would be very interested to hear the current plight of my village.” I felt very confident at this point, but Eren appeared to let his nerves get to him. “I-i-introduce you to him? Gods, I don’t know him well enough myself. I wouldn’t want to make a poor impression. What if he doesn’t remember my name, or worse, he finds me too jumbled and incoherent and I make a complete fool out of myself! My father would cane me if he was sent a letter that his only son were expelled from university before class was even in session! I–”

“Thank you, Eren. Perhaps I can introduce myself, then, if you could show me his quarters,” I nudged. The relief on Eren’s face lit the room. “Certainly, I suppose that would be all right. He’s a very patient man, after all. And a noblewoman like yourself would be able to get his ear as good as any. I’ll show you to the door, but we must part ways, Lady Jane, as I will need to find all my books at the library. Gods, how will I carry them all back to the inn by myself? I wish I could have access to my dormitory early. I’d–”

“Thank you, Eren.” He showed me up the stairs to Master Vigo’s large chambers. We bid each other farewell and I knocked lightly on the chamber door.

“Come!” said a not unfriendly voice behind the door. I opened the large stone door and entered an impossibly gigantic chamber. The back wall was just large window. The side walls were just shelves overflowing with books, bottles, vials, mysterious liquids, small cauldrons, feathers, herbs and plants, burning candles, loose sheets of parchment, terrariums with frogs, birds, insects, and fish, alive and dead. The desk at the center was cluttered with much of the same materials, as was even parts of the floor. Massive star charts splayed on the floor, a large bubbling cauldron over a fire in the corner. The man himself sat behind his desk frantically penning notes into a journal. “Good afternoon, boy. Are you one of my new students?”

This greeting was already awkward. I tried to clear my dry throat, realizing immediately that I was much more bashful than I expected. “No, sir. I mean, master. My name is Lady Jane of the House of Kormack in Wolfspire.” I waited for a response. It didn’t come. “I am not here as a beggar. That is, I don’t mean to beg. Er…” I steeled myself. “Master, there is a Sickness sweeping my village and our healer Hirsham instructed me… rather, politely asked me for help to… um…”

Master Vigo’s stony face brightened. “Hirsham? My star student Hirsham is healing in Wolfspire? So close! And yet, he finds it unnecessary to pay a visit to his old potions master here and again? Oh, no bother. Healing is a toilsome occupation, and I suspect that he cannot find the time to pull himself away from his duties. Yes, yes. Lady Jane, is it?” he asked me absent-mindedly. “If Hirsham needs my help, then I’d be happy to oblige. Presuming, of course, that I can help. Even a potions master doesn’t have everything.”

“Yes, of course master. The potion is called a Draught of Healing Miasma. Hirsham tells me that it can–”

“You have stumbled upon good fortune, Lady Jane, as I have three flasks of this draught on hand. Not very easy to concoct, but perhaps it can be an extra credit opportunity for my students.” Master Vigo ascended a ladder to a shelf near the back of his chamber and pulled down a bottle. It was sensational to me that he knew where to find it among all the mess. “I can wrap it in a cloth to keep it safe in your sack,” he said, pointing at the old bag hanging from my shoulder. “That’s where you will be carrying it, yes?”

“What? No? Yes! Yes, and I’ll be very careful with it, sir. Master,” I stammered. What was wrong with me? A 19-year-old noblewoman should not be this intimidated by a man of education. “My village thanks you profusely for your assistance, master.” The success of acquiring the potion emboldened me to nudge further. “Hirsham also advised me to ask you for help on a very personal matter, if that is all right?”

Master Vigo waved his hand at me as he descended the ladder. “Yes, yes, out with it.” He returned to his desk and started poring over a large tome.

“Um… I have been having some very intrusive recurring dreams as of late. I wonder if, perhaps, you have a cure? A draught for dreamless sleep? Or, uhm, I don’t know. Do you have something? I can pay you back in some way, although I do not have coin or much to barter.”

Master Vigo returned my request with a gaze. “A draught for dreamless sleep…” he responded as if I had just said something quite witless. “No, Lady Jane, ingredients for a potion to abate nightmares are rare in the Tempest Hills.” He pulled out a scrap of parchment and penned a few notes. “Here is what you need for such a potion.” He handed me the scrap of parchment. The handwriting was illegible. “I cannot think of another building in the Ironlands with more potions and ingredients than this chamber, so it is unlikely that you’ll find anything in the bottom drawer of a peasant’s bedside dresser. You’ll find most of these ingredients south of the Hinterlands. My luck goes out to you, Lady Jane.” Master Vigo returned to his book.

“Uhm…” I said again. It felt as though there was still more to this conversation. “Sir?”

Master Vigo looked up again. “We don’t get many travelers from Wolfspire. Since you endeavor to make your way back to your village, you can help me tremendously with a request of my own.” He pointed his quill at me. “You look quite formidable for nobility. I’m missing a few volumes of Principles of Incantations for Sagittarian Potion Systems, and Wolfstone has a subsidiary library of the college. The road to the town is halfway between here and Wolfspire, I believe. I am in no hurry, but it would be a tremendous favor to me.”

At this point, I figured that I owed Master Vigo this at the very, very least. “I swear an iron vow that I will help you retrieve these books.”

Quest #2
Collect Books for Master Vigo from Wolfstone

“Good lass. Again, there is no hurry on this matter. I have plenty of material for my students this year without these volumes. My shelves just feel empty without them.”

“Yes, master,” I said, finally gingerly placing the bottle of healing potion in my sack. “I promise I will someday fulfill my vow.”

And with that, I turned around and left the college.

Click here for all the boring game-related notes! On second thought, don’t bother!

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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 21: “A World of Dreams”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Egwene’s been scrubbing pots and floors and tables for about 61 straight hours and her poor little hands hurt too much, oh no. Following her chores, she makes her way to Verin’s quarters after being summoned by the Brown Ajah herself.

Verin lives above the library down some corridors that barely anyone travels through. Her room is filled with papers, books, oddities, lit candles that threaten to burn down the White Tower, and an owl. Verin is absent-mindedly perusing a text that might be the only copy of its kind, something she’s been looking at for forty years without being able to assign any meaning toward (so it’s likely very important; too bad I’m forgetting about it immediately).

THIS IS NOT WHAT SHE SUMMONED EGWENE FOR, THOUGH. The Aes Sedai presents to the young woman a stack of information about Liandrin, the women who went with her, and the ter’angreal that they stole from the chambers. Verin deems it incredibly useless, but maybe Egwene can figure something out from the rubbish.

THIS IS NOT WHAT SHE REALLY SUMMONDED EGWENE FOR, THOUGH! All this talk of Egwene being a possible Dreamer had piqued Verin’s curiosity. There hasn’t been a Dreamer among the Aes Sedai since Corianin Nedeal from almost 500 years ago! And she barely was one anyway, matter of fact. Just a loony basket case space cadet slut, honestly.

Verin explains the ideas of alternate worlds and how both the Creator and the Dark One inhabit each one simulataneously. A third constant is the Unseen World — Tel’aran’rhiod — which either lies in all worlds simulatneously OR surrounds all the worlds completely. Some people are known to enter it by accident, but a Dreamer can enter the Unseen World deliberately. Verin gives Egwene a ring that used to belong to Corianin Nedeal. It is described as harder than steel and denser than lead. It’s a ter’angreal that the former Dreamer had for most of her life, and now it’s Egwene’s. Take it and be grateful. Verin was studying it for a long time but then she got really, really bored of it.

Oh yeah, and the Unseen World isn’t like a dream. Whatever happens there actually happened. You can get hurt there or die there, so have fun!

Verin shoos Egwene away and returns to studying her Burger King receipts. She also has Corianin Nedeal’s old notes. She muses over burning them. She muses over giving them to Egwene. In the end she decides to hang onto them and see what happens.


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She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #6 – “Blue (Part 2)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Law and Disorder storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #6 – “Blue (Part 2)”! In the previous installment… so you know that “blue file” that contains a bunch of defendants for a mysterious North Dakota case that no one got served for? Well, even mentioning the case to the other defendants caused a weird fugue tizzy. Why, Hellcat was trying to talk about it to her friend Tigra and then Tigra tried to fight Hellcat and then tried to commit suicide!!

And then the guy at the county records office in Crosby, North Dakota shoots Angie Huang in the head after she recovers an important file from the office…

EVERYTHING IS SO CURIOUS! And this is the last issue of the story! What nail-biting events will hang our cliffs, so to speak?

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #6 [September, 2014]
Written by: Charles Soule
“Blue (Part 2)”

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #6

Over the phone with Wyatt (who is accidentally dangling a group of kids over a cliff during a rock climbing expedition), Jennifer Walters goes over the long list of defendants in the North Dakota trial. All the records seem to have been purged, and no one knows nor remembers anything about it.

So after telling Wyatt all about the case, which she shouldn’t have done, Walters listened to the message that Patsy Walker left her, which she should have done first!

In a snap of a jiffy, Walters arrives at the hotel where Walker is recuperating. Tigra is standing there, too, all “I ‘unno what happened.” But it seems to be the name “George Saywitz” that triggers something in the ol’ brain after saying it out loud. Why it doesn’t work on She-Hulk or Hellcat, I don’t know. Maybe it’s something in the lesbian gene?! Sorry, that was uncalled for.

…

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #6

She’s dying of bullet syndrome via gun poisoning, but let’s not dwell on it right now.

Well, there’s still some shit to check out, at any rate. She wonders how Angie “Bullet in the Head” Huang is doing right now…

Well, she’s not dead! I wouldn’t have bet money on that! But only because her stinky monkey breathed some weird stinky breath into her mouth and revived her. “WHUUUUUUF” she says, coming back to Earth. After patting around her pockets she discovers that everything on her person has been stolen, including her phone, her wallet, the important documents, a pineapple, and a nuclear bomb detonation device shaped like a dog bone. At least her memory is still intact! Time to give Jennifer Walters (She-Hulk, just in case you forgot) the bad news!

Back in Walters’ Brooklyn office, she is paid a visit by Dr. Kevin Trench and his flattop-era Grace Jones-lookin’ wife. Walters and Trench are happy to see each other; it’s been an age! He still puts on the Nightwatch suit from time to time, but only if he has to. No patrols. No superhero orgies. Unfortunately.

After catching up, Trench gets down to brass tacks. “I received a warning that I shouldn’t speak to you, for my own safety. And so, I decided to come speak to you.” He smiles serenely. “So tell me, Jennifer, why am I not supposed to talk to you.”

So she jabberjaws about the stupid George Saywitz case, boring me to tears yet again! If you say the wrong word – let’s just say it’s “bananas” even though it’s not “bananas” — you may get all homicidal and suicidal. And that’s just bananas!

They don’t talk much more before they discover Mrs. Trench gunning down a bunch of shrouded goblins that look like Stitch from Lilo & Stitch, all saying “Jennifer Walters” as they die. Walters gets Hulky and helps for nine pages. Trench gets Nightwatchy and jerks his dick.

She-Hulk sees a vision of a little Hulk girl holding a balloon. Very odd, but the creatures were destroyed before She-Hulk can see more of the vision. Let’s put it out of our heads forever, then!

More creatures come in and my eyes are lolling in the back of my head. I haven’t had a good panel to post in a while, so here’s a taste of what’s going on:

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #6

Yeah, I don’t know either.

Anyway, it’s over.

“Any idea what those things were?” Trench asks.

“None,” Walters responds. “Never seen ‘em before. They seem demony to you?”

“Very. Definite odor of brimstone when they dematerialized.”

CURIOUS! YEAH, LET’S INTRODUCE MORE BULLSHIT TO LEAVE THE THREADS HANGING AT THE END OF THIS. GOOD WORK, CHARLES SOULE.

Trench decides to leave even though Walters told him literally nothing about the case other than “I can’t talk about the case.”

Patsy Walker returns from the hospital and apologizes for not being around when the Stitch demons attacked. Walters is like “That’s ok! You don’t have powers anyway! I mean, whoops!”

Well sir, Walker gets into it, she does. “I do have powers!” and “You’re a cunt!” So if you don’t want her there, just say so. Cunt.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #6

Man, I wish all the panels could be this interesting!

Tensions are through the roof now, and to make things worse Sharon the landlord pops into the office for a chat about how damaging the building ain’t cool, m’kay? Walters tries to fight it with legalese for about six seconds before conceding. Then she retires to her desk to shove her face into her oversized green hands. BUT SOMEONE COMES IN TO SAVE THE DAY PROBABLY?

“There you are! I’ve been trying to call.” It’s Angie Huang and she’s back from the dead!

Here’s the skinny: they’re all being sued for wrongful death and emotional distress. A whole town disappeared, Saywitz was the only survivor, and he’s blaming a pile of superheroes and supervillains. “I saw evidence of reality-warping, too. Someone’s trying to cover their tracks, hide what they did.”

INTERESTING! Go on…

“We’re done working on the blue file. Finished. Finito. You get me?” Walters says to a flabbergasted Huang. She walks away salty, but professional as all get-out. Walker says that Walters was a little bit mean to the best paralegal this side of the Mississippi.

Anyway, Walters get a phone call from Trench. He couldn’t help but notice how down in the dumps she is about the current state of her fledging business! So, he’s throwing her name around town! The Trench Bump! Enjoy that shit, you’ll be drowning in superheroes who need to avoid getting sued soon enough!

And, ten seconds later, the reception area is filled up with sad-sacks and mopes waiting for Walters’ representation.

“…let’s get to work,” smiles Walters with the worst fucking art I’ve ever seen, holy christ.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #6

Gah!

Final Thoughts

Well wasn’t that a whiz-bang corker of a story! Since the Marvel NOW! She-Hulk has only 12 issues, we only have one story to go before everything gets wrapped up in the neatest little package in town.

Of course, I won’t get to the next storyline until 2128 so who cares? See you in the funny pages, nerds.


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