The Death Knight’s Squire, Chapter 12 – Facing Off with the Death Knight Himself!

Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.

Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, explored a crypt, almost got killed by a very scythe-riddled trap, and then stumbled upon what looks like the Death Knight himself scaring the bejesus out of Darek Brewmont! Is this the end? Or is this a red herring for more adventure? Will the Death Knight kill Milhouse dead forever? Will I watch Young Sheldon with America’s Sweetheart Wallace Shawn? I’m guessing the answer to at least one of these is “hell fucking no” and it might be the last one!

This appears to be a Squiring ceremony, and, as it turns out, it’s very unsettling and creepy. The Death Knight, as he appears to be, is this hulking figuring illuminated in an eerie blue light. Darek Brewmont, as he’s presumed to be, looks like a sniveling little dork. Even more so than Milhouse himself, and he’s pretty dorky in his own right.

-Since I succeeded in an early stealth check by the skin of my sharp little elf teeth, I get to sneak up to the behemoth armored man without my head getting sworded off. Not yet, at least.

Hey, kids! Abracadabra!

Milhouse ducks behind a big pile of rusty metal barrel hoops! The Death Knight doesn’t notice, probably because he’s too busy trying to make this Darek kid his unwilling squire. Since he doesn’t want anyone to become an unwilling squire today, Milhouse starts wiggling his fingers and prepares for a spell.

-OK, the Death Knight’s AC is 15. d20 + Intelligence (+3) + Proficiency Bonus (+4) = … 15 + 3 + 4 = 22. *dusts off hands like it was nothing*. OK, I’m going to use Magic Missile because that spell rules. 3(1d4 + 1) = 3 + 5 + 3 = 11 damage. Not too shabby unless this fucker ends up having 75 HP. Then I’m going to be a bloody smear on the floor pretty soon.

Milhouse zaps the Death Knight in the chest with his little fingertips of fury! The armored beast roars like this: “ROOOAAAARR!” Milhouse fist pumps in the air. “Aaargh! Who dares enter my chamber?!” the Death Knight bellows. He immediately sees Milhouse ducking in the corner like a weak little mouse and grabs his sword. “Ah! There you are. So foolish, to enter here unaccompanied! And now, you shall pay for your foolishness!”

-Roll initiave, son. I get 12. The Death Knight gets 12. Does this mean I try again? Oh wait, his initiative bonus is +1. Gosh dang it.

The Death Knight stares down at Milhouse and shoots him a terrifying, self-satisfied smile. “HA HA HA HAAAA!” he booms, filling the chamber with a laugh that sounds like bones rattling around a garbage disposal. Darek Brewmont cowers in the corner. The whole room is filled with an air of tension and the smell of pooped pants. And then, suddenly, the Death Knight lashes out with his longsword!

-Wisdom Saving Throw (DC 13) = 12 + 2 = 14/ No penalty to attacks. I am also told to eat my disgusting Grakspores, so I shove them down my throat so hard I accidentally almost push them out my butthole.

-“Roll a d20, adding 5. If the result is higher than your AC (Milhouse’s AC is 13), roll damage (1d8+3).” All right, let’s see how this pans out. d20 + 5 = 21. Good job, ol’ boy. 1d8+3 = 6. Not so great, but I’ll take it.

“Darek!” Milhouse shouts from the corner of the chamber. He’s trying to get the boy’s attention, but the boy is shivering in a pool of his own piss. “I could really use some help right now!” He throws Darek his dagger with which he can use to cut through the bonds on his wrists and help in the fray. Then Milhouse grabs his quarterstaff and prepares his attack!

The Knight of Death descends upon ye!

-d20 -1 + 4 = 17, which beats Death’s Knight’s AC 15. Quarteraff attack = 1d6 – 1 = 2. Well, that’s underwhelming. Taken with the earlier Magic Missile hit, Death Knight has lost 19 HP so far. He’s down to 9 HP. Watch how quickly this bastard’s going to kill me. It’s going to be brutal.

“Damn you, interloper!” the Death Knight roars. “You will not rob me of my squire, as those wretches robbed me of my boy so long ago! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!” Oh, he’s mad now. He’s super mad. All Milhouse can do is put his arms up and close his eyes tightly while the Death Knight seems absolutely out of his fucking mind with rage.

-Since this bastard is enraged, he gets advantage. Two dice rolls. d20 + 5 = 9 + 5 = 14. Well, since my AC is 13 he doesn’t even need to roll a second time. He hits. 1d8 + 4 = 5, so I lucked out with the weakest possibly hit from him. I’m down to 7 HP.

Darek has managed to cut himself free with the dagger that Milhouse threw him, so the boy isn’t entirely useless! The boy looks like he’s regained a modicum of composure and, Milhouse notices, there’s even a little fire in his eyeballs! He’s happy to have Darek on his side! Or at least something that can hold a dagger. Milhouse would even take a potted plant right now if it could swing a weapon.

-Rolling initiative for Darek gets him a 9, so he’ll attack after Milhouse. Darek’s HP is 4. He’s going to die right away. Anyway, I take my turn and do RAY OF FRROOOOOOOSSST!!! But first, of course, I have to d20 + 3 + 4 = 19 + 3 + 4 = 26, so of course I’m going to fucking hit him. Ray of Frost = 1d8 + 3 = 7 + 3 = 10. This is actually going to kill him! Milhouse gains 200 XP.

“Take this, you dastardly Death Knight!” Milhouse screams as beams of cold ice blare out of his fingers. The Death Knight screams and writhes and gesticulates in the air with terror and reckless abandon, knocking the walls and letting rocks tumble to the floor! Then he collapses in a heap.

The Death Knight has been slain!

RIP, bitch!

Milhouse steps over the corpse. Well, the undead corpse. The Death Knight was definitely not alive in the “alive” sense, of course. Sweat pours down Milhouse’s face as he huffs and puffs and pants. He looks to Darek Brewmont, who also has a face of triumph and victory even though he didn’t even lift one finger to help stop the Knight. “Do you have the stake?” Darek Brewmont asks. “From the Red Tree, do you have a stake? You must pierce him through the heart, quickly!”

The red walking stick is near the cavern entrance. Milhouse quickly scurries over to the branch, grabs it, and sticks the business end right into the Death Knight’s chest. Just forces it in there with all the strength that he can muster. It doesn’t take long before the remains crumble into a pile of ashes. Without missing a beat, Milhouse grabs Darek by the arm. “Let’s go,” he says hurriedly and pulls the kid out of the chamber, out the entrance of the crypt, and across the cemetery. “Oh shit,” Milhouse thinks, cutting his victory celebration short. “I still have a pact with the Blood Knight! Damnit!”

Milhouse tries to put that thought out of his head as he and Darek travel north. This is the northern edge of Weathercote Wood; it opens to wide grasslands. The sky threatens rain, and Milhouse realizes that they’ll never make ground on foot. “Look, over there!” Milhouse cries. A farmhouse on the wood’s edge — a stable with one horse. And no one around. “We need to take that horse!”

Darek gibbers, but ultimately concedes because he doesn’t have a say in the matter. Backtalk will get the kid a little smack. The two mount up and ride away as the farmer leaves his front door shaking his fist. “I’ll get yoooouuuuu…” the old farmer says lazily.

Before the sun drops below the cloudy evening sky, Milhouse and Darek reach Orlbar. His grandparents are grateful to see their young grandson again! It’s anticlimactic to say the least. “You shall be rewarded, brave champion, Lord Brewmont promises, his eyes misting over. “On the morrow, I shall go to the Orlbar bank, and–”

Milhouse cuts him off. The Blood Knight will assuredly chase him down with his army of cultists, and the last thing Milhouse wants is to put the town of Orlbar in danger. “Oh…” says Lord Brewmont. “You don’t want, like, whatever’s in my pocket?” He fishes around and finds only lint, but Lady Brewmont unclasps her necklace and places it in Milhouse’s hand. He palms it. “Sell this,” she says. “And don’t take anything less than 700 gold for it!”

With a gracious thank you and you’re welcome, Milhouse mounts the horse and rides into the night as the Brewmonts wave. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Excelsior!

-Milhouse gains 400 XP. He’s at Level 3! And he’s got plenty of treasure and coin jangling in his pockets. I’ll keep him around for the sequel to this adventure, Tyrant of Zhentil Keep. Until then, roll dem dice! Or whatever.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1 – “The Gathering”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Green Lantern Corps: Recharge limited Series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1 – “The Gathering”!

This continues directly after the No Fear storyline in Geoff Johns’ legendary run. It’s been a while since I hit Green Lantern at all, so I owe it some more tender love and care! Or something else to that effect that isn’t as gross. Onward.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1 [November, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“The Gathering”

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

It’s Sector 1417. “It’s my first day on the job,” says someone who I should probably know, but I don’t, and that’s okay. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. “Star 196. A Class 4 sun near the edge of my sector becomes unstable. No warning. Just an abrupt radiation spike.”

Sounds like something is going to go boom very soon, and it’s the Green Lantern of Sector 1417’s underpants! *high five* He plans an evacuation of the inhabited fifth planet. He thinks he has a couple of days. He doesn’t.

*boom*

But this guy isn’t afraid. If he was a ‘fraidy-man, the guardians wouldn’t have chosen him! It’s that simple. So he’s not afraid…

…

“I cannot die today,” he says as hot gas billows around him. “Not on my first day as a Lantern. I must protect my sector. I am Tarkus Whin of the Green Lantern Corps of Oa.

Star 196 contracts into a black hole, which doesn’t really happen in four seconds as far as I know, but we don’t worry ourselves with such matters of physics. Tarkus is getting swept in, and he all but gives up knowing that he died what he calls a “Lantern Death”, i.e. one where his pants aren’t full of poop. Hopefully.

“RING STATUS REPORT. GREEN LANTERN 1417 DECEASED. SECTOR SCAN FOR REPLACEMENT SENTIENT INITIATED.”

Let’s see what’s going on in Sector 2814. Hopefully no one is dying, that would be a bummer. Ah, it’s the sector where there’s an Edwards Air Force Base in California! Must be full o’ them loser aliens. There’s a guy named Hal Jordan flying around in an airship. He’s not wearing his ring. There’s a guy named Guy Gardner flying around looking like a Green Lantern. He is wearing his ring. That’s about as far as these two go with their personality types.

Gardner tells Jordan that Kilowog told him that there’s restructuring going on in the Corps right now. “Recruitment’s in overdrive.” The Guardians want to see Gardner and Kyle Rayner in person. Hal Jordan tells Gardner to have fun and bye, don’t forget to write. See ya.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

Hal Jordan, I swear to God, if you’re in Guardians’ pocket without me I’ll RING your neck! Ha! Get it??

John Stewart and Hal Jordan are both assigned to 2814, so that leaves Guy Gardner with a different sector. That’s probably why the Corps wants to talk to him. They want to send him over to the Butt Star with the Butt Solar System to take care of the Butt Planets.

Meanwhile, on Earth’s moon (or as the Corps designates it: Sector 2814, Planet 38.C, Moon 1). It’s where the Justice League has built their Watchtower, which is the stupidest place for it because everyone is always trying to blow up the moon. Have you seen the Russians? Anyway, Kyle Rayner is cozying with the rest of the League, telling them that what he’s part of now is bigger than any stupid-ass Justice League any day of the week. Superman understands. He understands everything. Except algebra.

“Take care of yourself, Kyle,” Wonder Woman smiles. And Kyle gives her a warm goodbye.

Guy Gardner has flown up to the moon to give Batman a warm goodbye, too.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

You need to wax that butthole, Mr. Lantern.

Gardner and Rayner fly away laughing. “I thought you were past the frat-boy attitude, Guy,” Rayner chides. Gardner assures him that he’s going to take this job seriously even if it means he sticks his ass in Batman’s face every chance he gets. It comes with the territory.

Back in Sector 1417 (Planet Korugar), Doctor Soranik Natu is trying to operate on a dying patient. She sees a ring floating at her, which she tries swatting away like a meddlesome hornet! She calls it a symbol of oppression and pain, having belonged to Sinestro once. “You are not welcome here!” She points at the ring. “Now get out of my way!”

The ring insists that Soranik Natu will be trained as a member of the Green Lantern Corps. She wants none of that horse hockey. The patient is dying right before her eyes while the ring keeps bouncing of her face like a racquetball. So, Dr. Soranik Natu says “fine”, puts on the ring, and commands it to fix her patient. Filter blood into his brain and divert synapse activity from the pain sensors. Can ya do that, huh?

The ring flashes, filling the room with that ugly shade of green we all know so well, and welcomes Soranik Natu to the Corps. The patient is saved at the expense of damning herself. Ah well, those who don’t want power should wield it. I’m told.

In Sector 2682, in Dys City, Rann, it looks like a literal Hell.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

Woof woof, Rannian dogs! Come out with your paws up!

The Rannians understand that, yes, their situation is indeed hopeless. A commanding officer tells a man named Vath that he needs to break out and bring help. “These Thanagarian vultures don’t take prisoners,” he cries while Vath is like “hmmm, hnnnn, uhhhh…”

Everything explodes around Vath all of a sudden, which means he wasn’t really able to break out and bring help whatsoever. But that’s ok, because a green ring floats toward him and informs him that he’s been selected for the Price is Right! Come on down!!!

Of course, Vath doesn’t want it either. Nobody fucking wants it except Guy Gardner and his frat-boy attitude. But, if the ring can help him kill the Thanagarians, then so be it. He’ll put it on.

“This war is no longer yours, Vath Sarn. Your duty lies elsewhere now, Green Lantern of Sector 2682. Prepare for your trip to Oa,” says the bossy ring.

On the same planet, this time in Ranagar City, Rann, a man named Isamot Kol is getting executed for the murder of an officer of the Imperial Thanagarian army. Kol is kinda like “meh” about it. But as the killing blade slices down, a ring stops it in mid-air and informs Kol that he has been recruited. Kol takes the ring immediately and kills his executioner. This probably goes against the code of the Guardians, but who the fuck cares at this point? It’s all made up anyway.

Gardner and Rayner are still flying in warp space. They see a planet blow up. Rayner goes “Whoa” like Keanu Reeves.

It’s Oa time, ladies and gentlemen! The Planetary Citadel of the Guardians of the Universe is bustling, man. Packed with newly recruited Lanterns, all of one shade of green. Guy Gardner acts like a senior in college ready to dunk some freshman heads into toilets.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

Who are you calling a “poozer”, you swatterclump!

Kilowog welcomes the new recruits with the warmth of a feral hog. “I’m gonna be ya new best friend… and ya new worst enemy,” he says warmly. He says more things too, like how they all might have been hotshots back at home, but now they’re all a bunch of fuckin’ poozers. This continues for a few panels, and it’s all exactly what you’d expect. Any questions?

The sexy Dr. Soranik Natu has a question: “How do I get out of here?” she asks, eyes fiery with anger. “I do not want to be a Green Lantern.”

Kilowog has never heard of such a thing in his whole bloated life! He is interrupted by Salakk, who tells Soranik Natu that there are three ways to get out. 1) failure, 2) becoming a corpse, and 3) all of the above.

“I choose my own path, Salakk of Oa. The path of life. Ring – take me home!” she spits into her shiny green jewelry, which tries to rebut. “NOW!” And she leaves, not caring if she failed. Not caring one fucking bit.

“I think she is making a mistake,” says a man named Brik.

“What do you expect of someone from Korugar, Brik? Sinestro turned the Lantern symbol into a swastika,” says Garnder. Rayner disagrees that Soranik Natu is angry. “She’s afraid,” he says.

There is plenty of buzz about Soranik Natu’s decision for a while. No one can believe this shit, that someone wouldn’t want to be a Green Lantern (Tom’s Note: I agree with Soranik Natu. Fuck that noise).

Anyway, Kilowog has assigned Gardner with training the rookies, which Gardner angrily considers “babysitting”. He flies away pissed to talk to the Guardians themselves despite the cries against it. The Guardians don’t want to be disturbed! They’re sleeping or making out or something! No, Guy! No!

“Knock knock, munchkins,” Gardner says as he plows through the doors, looking for Ganthet. “You drag me all the way up here and expect me to hold these aliens’ ring fingers?”

“Oh yes,” says Ganthet. “I remember this one now. The caveman. Like all of those from Earth. They ‘talk back’. Incredibly wasteful. And inefficient.”

Then they tell Guy Gardner that he’ll achieve “new status” if he gets his rear in gear and helps train these newbies. This sweetens the deal a little bit, but not by much.

Kyle Rayner enters the chamber like “hey guys, what’s going on? lol” and the little blue Guardians smile. Ah, welcome Rayner! We like Rayner!

Now beat it, the both of you.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

Sad-sacks get the sad-sack assignments. Piss off.

Once these two idiots from Earth leave, the Guardians talk amongst themselves. “Fellow Guardians. How stands our great purpose?”

Things aren’t going well. Lanterns keep dying. For one thing, black holes keep popping up and that’s a problem. Let’s check on that ASAP. There’s also a war going on in Sector 2682, that’s pretty distracting for a lot of Lanterns. That leads to about a hundred other things, too. Even Oa shows some unrest. And what of Soranik Natu? Did she make it home safe? Oh, her signal vanished? That’s probably a good sign, right!

Oh, she’s now missing. Hmm… um… well…

Gardner is en route back to Earth. He really, really doesn’t want to bother training recruits. Kilowog follows him, trying to tell him he’s just doing his job. Guy Gardner ain’t no teacher, and he ain’t giving lectures on willpower and the oath. “I got a life,” he says. Then he says that the Guardians can go screw themselves, which brings Kilowog a millimeter away from slapping the guy.

“We’ve got over three hundred ringslingers signed up. And we’re lookin’ for nearly sixty-nine hundred more. But they won’t be worth a bucket of Oan slime unless they’re trained by the best. They need ya. I need ya.”

Gardner calls this ‘fraidy-cat talk. Kilowog admits that he is. Because, for the first time in his life, according to the Guardians, the whole damn universe is about to change.

Eep.

Final Thoughts

Who knew that Green Lanterning was such serious business? I’m with Soranik Natu. Serious business is the fucking pits. Let’s bring it down a notch, you overwrought melodramatic meatheads!


Click here to ridicule this post!

Season 9, Episode 16 – “The Last Temptation of Krust”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 16 - The Last Temptation of Krust

“The Last Temptation of Krust”

Original Air Date:
February 22, 1998
Directed by:
Mike B. Anderson
Written by:
Donick Cary

QUICK SYNOPSIS

After a disastrous performance, Krusty changes his image and becomes an edgy stand-up comedian.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

You name it. Jay Leno, Janeane Garofalo, Bobcat Goldthwait, Steven Wright. None had any real reason for being in the episode and don’t really serve the plot other than “being there”. Also, these are the best comedians they could get? 1998 was an abysmal time for stand-up comedy, I guess.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

I’m a huge fan of stand-up comedy, and “The Last Temptation of Krust” falls flat for me in a big way. The most glaring offender is that the stand-up comedy featured in this episode isn’t actually funny! Krusty puts on this George Carlin / Bill Hicks schtick and forgets to actually tell jokes or say funny things! It’s like the writers forgot that they were making a comical animated program!

The other problem is that guest stars are there just for the sake in of itself. Jay Leno doesn’t get deservedly ribbed at all. He’s there, of all things, to help Bart bathe Krusty in his own house. It smacks of the tropey “what are you doing in Springfield??” and then the celebrity goes with the flow of whatever crazy bananas plot they find themselves foisted into. Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin, anyone? Mel Gibson? This episode should have instead been like “Hey, Jay Leno, remember 12 years from now when you ‘retired’ from the Tonight Show and then stole the show back from Conan, the rightful heir? That’s some real fuckass nonsense, sir.” Then Kearney can shoot him in the scrotum with a semi-automatic gun.

All kidding aside, there are some good somewhat redeeming bits. My favorite is Homer laughing after relating to Janeane Garofalo’s “kissing a guy with a tongue stud” joke, but there’s also Rod and Todd poking hungover Krusty on their lawn with sticks, Krusty thinking a poster of himself is a mirror, and the whole Canyonero ending, of course (possibly the most iconic Season 9 segment there is).

I suppose the ultimate point of the episode is that Krusty is such a sellout that he can’t even maintain a radical antiestablishment persona for ten minutes without selling out again. A good premise, I just wonder if Season 4 would have handled it better. Oh wait, Season 4 did have an episode where Bart, Lisa, and a bunch of celebrities helped Krusty rescue his career. It was called “Krusty Gets Kancelled” and it was exactly 100 times better because it had Gabbo in it.

End of story.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 16 - The Last Temptation of Krust

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Krusty’s demeanor when he returns to comedy was inspired by George Carlin and Bill Hicks, with black suit, cigarette smoking and anti-consumerism stance.
Don’t forget the ponytail! They forgot the ponytail. KRUSTY HAD A PONYTAIL.

Mike Scully said that the writers had difficulty getting Krusty’s offensive bad jokes through the network censors. The stereotypical jokes were allowed because the writers convinced the network censors that viewers would understand it was simply emphasizing Krusty’s dated comedic material.
“Guys, we need to get 20 seconds of the extremely racist Chinese stereotype joke through! The viewers will understand it will simply emphasize Krusty’s dated comedic material!”

FINAL GRADE
C-


Click here to ridicule this post!

Conversations with Friends by Sally Rooney

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Conversations with Friends

Welcome to the Book Bonfire where, today (unless you’re reading this 65 years from now when I’ll assuredly be dead, but I prepaid web hosting until the year 35,000) we’ll discuss a book I read because I liked Normal People (and the show) so much. Did Sally Rooney knock it out of the park with her first novel, Conversations with Friends, or does it suck so badly that just holding the book in your hands gives you cancer?? The answer may surprise you!

I’m starting to learn that Sally Rooney is an incredibly polarizing author, and I’ve boiled it down to the most essential reason: you either relate with the characters or you don’t. That’s it. If you don’t know what it’s like to be cripplingly anxious or depressed, then you will hate the characters, their motivations, their actions, their thoughts, their feelings, their appearances, their interpersonal relationships, their shoe sizes, and their ambitions. Rooney looks forlorn in almost every picture of her I’ve seen, so it’s no surprise that all her characters are deliberately flawed, neurotic, almost completely awful people. And perhaps “awful” is subjective. Many people think they’re awful and frustrating. I find them painfully realistic.

I didn’t love Conversations with Friends like I loved Normal People, but the story and themes are similar. The book plugs along through the point of view of Frances, a 21-year-old college student with, you guessed it, anxiety, depression, self-esteem, and self-worth issues. Her best friend and former partner Bobbi is described (through Frances’ eyes, mind you) as a completely perfect person. Gorgeous, confident, brilliant, and likeable. Nick is a 32-year-old, strikingly handsome actor who is deceptively insecure. Melissa is Nick’s pretentious wife in her late 30s. All four of these people are pretty insufferable, but I’m pretty insufferable so I find a lot to relate to here, unfortunately. What does that say about me? Don’t care!

“You ever do that thing where you repeatedly fuck some other woman’s husband and then he goes all cold on you during random times? What’s up with that shit? That shit ain’t cool.”
– Frances

At first I was a little bit overwhelmed by Rooney’s writing style, which I was already very familiar with from Normal People i.e. no quotation marks to differentiate the dialogue and the overwhelming amount of figurative language and similes. Whereas Normal People plopped you right in the middle of a Connell/Marianne conversation that was awkward and uncomfortable anyway, Conversations with Friends plops you right into a poetry night with four people talking to one another. Four people talking without quotation marks before you even know who these people are. As Part 1 goes on, Frances and Nick slowly build a friendship and start an affair. While they hit it off, I didn’t find their chemistry particularly engaging in any way. I found Frances and Bobbi’s dynamic much more exciting, because those two actually did have vibrant chemistry and I found their conversations about topics such as the power dynamics of male/female relationships humorously and purposely glib. Melissa is a whole big bowl of nothing.

Part 2 is much better; there’s a lot more psychological trauma! Frances has fallen hopelessly emotionally dependent on Nick to the point where any lack of attention from him results in a series of cascading self-esteem episodes. He goes out of town for extended periods of time and Frances is numb and self-harms. She becomes such a mess that I’m surprised she doesn’t end up spiraling into a suicide attempt. I was honestly expecting it, but the worst she does is stab a hole in her thigh with scissors. We learn that Nick isn’t the confident hot shot actor that we think we know about him from the beginning. It turns out that he had major self-esteem issues and depressive episodes that led to psychiatric hospitalization. In short, Frances and Nick are perfect for each other! But they don’t end up together. Frances and Bobbi end up together, and that seems to be much more satisfying to me. Nick is a mess and he cheats on his wife. Frances is no better, though. She enables him.

“Have you ever considered the schadenfreude with respect to the sociopolitical ramifications of my bleached butthole?”
– Bobbi

Forget about Melissa, she only exists one-dimensionally as a woman scorned. Bobbi at least has fleshed-out one-dimensionality, meaning that she’s just a beautiful, snobby, gay intellectual who reads books about socialism and likes to have arguments about capitalism. She’s also kind of rude.

That about covers it! Onto the insipid discussion questions.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Melissa suggests that Frances’ relationship with her own father affects how she views her relationship with Nick. In what ways do the characters’ parents shape their views on love?
As far as I can recall, Frances is the only one with parents in this story, is that not true? Like, Bobbi’s running around all willy-nilly quite free and parentless, that’s for sure.

“The thing is, Frances. I love you but I also love someone else, and that is the married kind of love. Oh man, the married love is the best love. Too bad you’ll never experience it. You know… being the way that you are.”
– Nick

Frances has got some classic codependency shit going on. She craves attention and love from Nick, and when she can’t get it she breaks down and spirals. A lot of the second half of the book touches upon this, where she has these out-of-body experiences whenever she senses her relationship isn’t solid. One of my favorite scenes involves a strange call from Frances’ father, wherein it sounds like there’s something wrong but he won’t say it in words. He freaks Frances out, and then he abruptly hangs up. She describes a feeling of all the furniture floating to the ceiling and out of the room. I cracked up at this. I cracked up at Frances’ misery. Anyway, she and her father have this tense relationship where he needs her more than she needs him and this obviously causes Frances’ father some level of despair. Parallels.

In short, Frances’ relationship with Nick is unhealthy in more ways than, like, 20. And his inability to fully reciprocate feelings for her leads her down a rabbit hole of dark thoughts. Like the impending heat death of the universe. Like, total lmao there. I’ve done that many times.

Frances struggles with endometriosis and self-harm throughout the novel. How would you characterize her relationship with her body? In what ways does this affect her relationships with those around her?
There’s a scene where Frances stands naked in front of a mirror and dislikes what she sees. Body dysmorphia that was likely already there before all the Nick turmoil. Nick’s situation where he can’t (or won’t, as Frances worries) go all in on his and Frances’ relationship makes her feel like she is incapable of being loved, and therefore projects this onto her body issues to the point of hatred. To the point of stabbing a hole in her leg with scissors.

“All the constant intense pain makes the pain go away.”
– Frances

The endometriosis leads to believe that her body is literally crapping out on her. Well… not literally crapping out on her. I meant literally in the figurative sense, of course. What’s the moral of the story? *I do the thing where I put clap emojis between every word* Don’t let anyone else be the source of your happiness because happiness comes from within!

I’m glad we finally learned something important in my blog, buried 1400 words down into a post no one will ever, ever read!

FINAL THOUGHTS

This wasn’t as good as Normal People since all the characters were far, far worse people and the main theme of infidelity is a little bit skeezy. It took me a good chunk of the book before I started getting into it, somewhere around 125 pages to be honest. If it weren’t for my tendency to suffer through a book until its end (a treatment which some books don’t even get), I would’ve bailed by then. I’m glad I didn’t, because the second half is far better. Your own mileage may vary.

Definitely liked it enough to check out the TV show, though.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #16 – “The Good Die Young (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Good Die Young storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #16 – “The Good Die Young (Chapter 4)”! In the previous installment, Chase dies.

…

lmao, so let’s keep this movin’!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #16 [August, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“The Good Die Young (Part 3)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #16

The kids are in disbelief about Dead Chase. “Nico, use a spell!” Alex commands. Nico needs to bleed before the Staff of One can emerge from her chest again, so someone stab her in the neck with a letter opener ASAP.

“Somebody do CPR!” yells Molly.

“No, you have to do the Heimlich maneuver first!” argues Karolina. “He’s got water in his lungs!”

“Wrong, Karolina! Heimlich’s for choking! My parents are doctors!”

“And I just read an article about this, Molly! All the new research says you have to–”

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLUH BLUH BLUB BLUB BLUB BLOO BLOO. Gert’s going to try CPR so she can get smoochy-smoochy with a corpse. She fumbles through it while Molly yells about how she’s doing it wrong and Karolina yells about how she’s doing it wrong. But after about 11 chest compressions, Chase bolts upright gasping and sputtering. Gert asks if he’s ok. And he’s like “YEAH, BUDDY, YOU’RE LOOKIN’ LIKE ONE SEXY MAMA TO BOOT!” and kisses her. She doesn’t reject it.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #16

All right, chumps. New rule: No more dying.

Chase’s head continues spinning as he slowly regains his precious consciousness. “I’m so sorry, guys. I… I really screwed up.” He’s talking about not stopping the monster, but he sorta kinda did. So he needs to shut up right now before he annoys everyone. Me included.

Chase wants the rest of the gang to press on without him, on account of death taking a lot out of him, but Karolina protests about this for some reason. Alex is like “no, it’s fine, let’s leave him”. Chase gives up his x-ray specs and his magic metal hands to Alex since the only weapon he has had this whole time is the Abstract – a fuckin’ book for nerds.

Nico gets a switchblade as a consolation prize.

Meanwhile, the Pride waits for the Gibborim to show up to see them in the vivarium. The sacrificial offering is ready, everyone is wearing their Sunday best. No one has any second thoughts, right? Guys? Hello?

Some murmurings happen amongst the Pride. Helping to destroy a whole planet seems a little harsh and rude, for one thing. Mrs. Yorkes doesn’t think so. “Before my dolt of a husband totaled our 4-D portico permanently, we visited thousands of possible futures, each worse than the last.” And do you what made them all awful? Superheroes. “The X-Men, the Avengers, the Fantastic bloody Four… their kind dominated every era, ensuring that people like us never challenged the mundane status quo.”

Fuck the world.

Off to the side, the Deans and the Hayes want to follow through with their whole “killing everyone else” plan, so they talk about following through with their whole “killing everyone else” plan… but not quite yet. Let’s see where this goes first…

…nowhere. Some visitors show up.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #16

*squints* Are you sure? I thought our children were cooler, smarter, and better-looking than this.

The Wilders’ monocles pop off their faces and they say “What’s all this then?!” But they don’t have time to react further, because Alex blasts them both with metal-hand-power and holds them in stasis. Now it’s up to the rest of the team to take on their respective parents.

Gert’s parents scoff at her attempt to use her dinosaur against them. It simply will not work. The dinosaur has been programmed to only harm French people. Ha ha ha haaaaa!

Karolina’s parents scoff at her attempt to look all yellow and glowy at them. It simply will not work. Her powers have been programmed to only harm Dutch people. Ha ha ha haaaaa!

So they switch. Gert’s dinosaur attacks the Deans. Karolina blasts the Yorkes. How’s that for a twist of fate, eh??

Who’s left? Nico’s Staff of One is back out of her body, which means someone must’ve nicked her ear in the scuffle! She points it at the Steins and is about to go “boogity boo” when the staff’s light flickers out. The Minorus have frozen their daughter in place!

“Stop it!” yells Molly, swinging a 200-lb stone gargoyle. “You guys should be more like Harry Potter’s parents. They’re good wizards. And they’re dead.” She whacks Mr. Minoru across the chest, breaking the stone into little bits and pieces.

But where are the Hayes? Did they split out unnoticed? With Gert? In a headlock? So that they can whack her over the head with a stick? Rendering her unconscious? And then they get cornered by Gert’s dinosaur? Yes!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Hey Gert, it looks like you won the fight! Congratul–! oh.

Karolina warns the Hayes to stop their murderous tomfooleries, but Mrs. Hayes begins her spiel about how much they’re trying to help Karolina get into paradise. But now, pffft, that offer is slowly getting pushed off the table. “Thankfully, your brain is no more sophisticated than this prehistoric monstrosity’s,” Mrs. Hayes says, pointing to the dumbass dinosaur, “so controlling your mind should be just as simple.”

Karolina sprays the Hayes with a wave of Sunny Delight-looking yellow energy, knocking them over and probably killing them. What do I know.

Here comes the big reveal. Are you all ready? You should sit down for this. Now stand up. Now sit again.

Alex is the mole.

So what unfolds here? Alex is able to knock Karolina unconscious, and he is able to tell Old Lace to heel. The Wilders are bewildered! They had no idea… that their own son… *swoon*

“Call me whatever you want, but I just saved you two from getting offed by a few of your so-called friends,” he says as he lifts the Staff of One out of Nico’s frozen hands. “I’ll explain everything after we finish the Rite of Thunder.”

Alex now has the Staff, Chase’s metal hands, and a growling dinosaur behind his back. “Aren’t you proud?” he smiles wryly.

Final Thoughts

Is this the time for predictions??? This is a distraction. A scheme, see? A double-cross, see? I don’t think Alex is the mole. I don’t think there IS a mole. Knowing he was the last man standing, Alex performed a gambit. He knocked Karolina’s brains all over the inside of her skull to save them all!

And don’t count out Chase. That kid’s going to come sprinting into the room huffing and puffing swinging a baseball bat, not caring what he hits until Alex has a fat lump on his head. The Gibborim will suck his dick and everyone will go out for burgers.


Click here to ridicule this post!