She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “He Who Wouldn’t Be King”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Law and Disorder storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “He Who Wouldn’t Be King”! In the previous installment, Hellcat gets drunk and infiltrates a warehouse with She-Hulk. The warehouse didn’t house an A.I.M. laboratory as promised, but Hellcat does get her ass kicked. As a token of apology, She-Hulk offers Hellcat a job at her firm. I think this was pretty stupid, but I also think sock puppets are stupid and I’ve been very wrong about these kinds of things in the past.

A man named Kristoff Vernard – son of Victor Von Doom – appears in Walters’ office looking for political asylum. Immediately. So sets up the intrigue of the story arc, but I’d rather stare at my shoelaces.

Oh yeah, and Walters hired a woman named Angie Huang to hang out in the office all day with her monkey and, like, file papers and stuff. I don’t why I bothered mentioning this, it doesn’t seem important to me unless Huang whips out a fucking costume and starts kicking Thanos in the jugular.

We’re about to see what some REAL lawyering looks like! *blasts Law & Order theme at 130 decibels*


She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [June, 2014]
Written by: Charles Soule
“He Who Wouldn’t Be King”

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #3

At 26 Federal Plaza in downtown Manhattan, an unruly group of very angry robots descend upon a not-green Jennifer Walters demanding that she releases the son of Doom immediately or she won’t be killed on the spot. So Walters can make herself less green? Why the fuck wouldn’t she want to stay not-green?

Earlier in the Law Offices of Jennifer Walters and that Hellcat Lady, and Maybe Angie Huang, Walters harasses Vernard for information. He wishes to defect from Latveria, as previously very clearly indicated. That’s all. There’s not much else to say. He likes pineapples.

“Now– Chop. Chop,” he says, as if he calls the shots in any country. Walters wants to know why he came to her, of all people. There are at least… two… more competent lawyers in the borough. Vernard says she’s the 15th firm he’s attempted to secure representation from. 15th time’s the charm, I always say!

He wanted someone who wasn’t an average Joe Schmoe lawyer (or Jane Schmane, as the case may be), and he comments that Walters is definitely not average.

“Are you… was that… did you just hit on me?” she asks.

“Eh. Probably,” he answers with bored stoicism.

Walters drags Vernard to the nearby coffee shop for an interview. She tells him that, in order to seek asylum in the USA, he needs to prove to a judge that he can’t return to Latveria. A “well-founded fear of persecution” is needed, you see. Now this guy, a guy who is at least seven feet shorter than Walters, plays up his position and situation among the elites of Europe. He went to only the best schools! He is heir to one of the most powerful thrones! He sprays a lot of Axe Body Spray on his nards! But he is a shadow of his father, who doesn’t really want an heir. Von Doom wants to continue his rule through his puppet son. But he doesn’t want it! Not now! Not tomorrow! Not ever! Not Thursday!

Anyway, he wants a real identity and he feels like he can secure one in the good ol’ U.S. of A. where healthcare costs $45,000 per paycheck and half the country wants a smelly orange fuckface running the show. Walters is convinced that this will be a good case!

But when Vernard says he’s been in the country, per his passport, exactly one year to the day, Walters gets all freaky-outy and drags his ass out of the office tout suite.

 She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Back to Latveria with you, young man! And no dessert!

“You have a one-year window to file an asylum claim,” Walters explains as they haul ass down the mean streets of *checks notes* New York… *drops notes on the floor* …City. “If we don’t get your petition in today, this path is closed to us.”

She tries hailing a cab, but every cab in the city is filled with homeless people eating Taco Bell. Vernard is like “go fuck yourself with this cab business” and motions toward his private limo where a very mustachioed driver invites them both in. His name is Ernst and he’s a Good Boy. So, huzzah and all that. Walters knows a judge to get this all sorted out with time to spare! Hop to it!

Walters and Vernard are both a couple of Chatty Cathys on their respective phones. Walters effusively thanks the judge for accommodating her and her client, and that they should be at the Federal Plaza in ten minutes. Vernard is talking to some harpy about patronizing a ritzy nightclub after he pushes through all this lame asylum business.

…then Walters suddenly notices they’re at the airport. And Ernst isn’t the dashing gentleman he once seemed!

 She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #3

And don’t pick up that mustache off the floor! That is not for you! That is not for anyone!

Vernard is particularly nonchalant about this. “Ernst here is apparently a Doombot, with instructions to take me back to Latveria if I go against my father’s wishes. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming.” This has happened many times before. Many, many times. His wet nurse. Most of his pets. His first three girlfriends. It’s really annoying.

The Doombot hits a button and ejects Walters out through the roof. She lands back down and punches the Doombot clean through his metal head before he has a chance to wrest Vernard out of the car. Now that THAT situation has been quickly neutralized, they have to figure out how to get to the courthouse in half an hour. 5pm looms and ain’t no judge sticking around for nobody come 5pm.

Since driving from JFK to Manhattan during rush hour is as impossible as a perpetual fucking machine, Walters decides to grab Vernard and run over to hangar that houses a fantasticar! And what is a fantasticar, you ask? Why, it’s a simple answer!: shut up.

It’s a Fantastic Four thing, sir. You wouldn’t understand. Just know this: it’s fast and we’ll get to the courthouse in a jiffy. Vernard thinks it’s futile; surely his father has more schemes up his sleeves to keep them away from the courthouse! But Walters has a plan…

So she flies her fantasticar into the Twin Towers! Hahahaha! What!

In reality, they end up where the issue began: at 26 Federal Plaza fending off robots that really want Vernard. I still don’t know why Walters isn’t green, but she decides to Hulk out at this point and become the mighty, mighty She-Hulk. For reals. She’s bashing robot heads and yelling at Vernard to run away. Run somewhere. Anywhere. To Latveria, maybe! Just kidding! But seriously, beat it.

A Doombot stops Vernard in his tracks… but it’s not actually Vernard at all! The individual pulls off their hood, revealing the smiling (drunk?) face of (drunk?) Patsy Walker! And she’s here to eat some ass and take some names.

 She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Rock’em Sock’em!

Good thing Hellcat showed up, it was getting pretty hairy in there. But Walters is docking her pay. Hellcat is supposed to be an investigator, not a Doombot kicker puncher beater upper. Stay in your lane, sister.

Now, unfortunately, due to Doombot-related obstacles, Walker is now late for her hearing. She barges in the courtroom with clothes all ripped up. Shoeless like a bum. Not even with the right paperwork. I-589? EOIR-28? ADAM-12? None of these are in the records, you horrible green “attorney”.

Since the judge sucks, she lets Walters continue with the petition even without a scrap of filled-out paperwork. Like a dog, this judge. Walters begins her argument by explaining that Vernard is heir to the Latverian throne and he doesn’t want it. Persecution!

So please grant him asylum immediately before Walters loses her shit.

The judge, and rightly so, wonders one thing: how is ruling a country considered persecution? Check. Your move, Slippery Pete.

“When you do not wish to rule, Your Honor. When you are given no choice. He might as well be condemning me to prison,” Vernard responds, cool as a cucumber in the sun. The judge ponders this and turns to the representative of the government for his input.

“Hey, the guy had to get past a pile of killer robots outside the courthouse – ones sent by his dad — just to get here to make his claim. No objections here. I’m good.”

Asylum granted. That was the most tense 90 seconds of everyone’s lives.

As soon as the gavel goes down, some ASSHOLE crashes through the ceiling and hovers above everyone menacingly. “ENOUGH OF THIS FARCE!” the asshole declares. The asshole is Victor Von Doom, aka Slippery Dan.

Vernard looks immediately defeated. He thanks Walters for trying her best and approaches his father.

“You, child, are a grave disappointment.”

“It’s my super-power, Father.”

Victor Von Doom vows a swift kick in the rump for Walters at a later date, then he whisks his son away from New York City and, presumably, back to his shithole country.

Walters promises to track him down for some reason.

Final Thoughts

You just made the green lady angry, sir. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

She cries and whines and stuff. Drops the floor and kicks and screams. You wouldn’t like that at all. Like a fucking toddler. Drooling and puking everywhere. Shitting her diaper. She-Hulk always plays the ace, they say.

American Beauty (1999)

Tagline:
…look closer.

Wide Release Date:
September 15, 1999

Directed by:
Sam Mendes
Written by:
Alan Ball
Produced by:
Bruce Cohen, Dan Jinks

Starring:
Kevin Spacey
Annette Bening
Thora Birch
Allison Janney
Peter Gallagher
Mena Suvari
Wes Bentley
Chris Cooper

American Beauty

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I saw this while scrolling through Netflix and, even though I knew it was vaguely about a statutory rape near-miss, I decided to go for it anyway since it won the Oscar for Best Picture in 1999 and, despite all the bullshit surrounding him, I still like Kevin Spacey’s work.

This is also the movie with the floating plastic bag, right? Family Guy referenced that once.


THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) is dissatisfied with his life. His marriage is dead and his job as a media executive sucks. Carolyn (Annette Bening), Lester’s wife, is equally dissatisfied in her marriage and puts all her focus on her stressful job as a real estate agent. Jane (Thora Birch) is their teenage daughter who hates both of them. Ricky (Wes Bentley) is the Burnham’s new teenage next door neighbor, who has dozens of video tapes of his hobby of creepin’ on people and a nice marijuana-dealing side gig. Angela (Mena Suvari) is Jane’s mean-girl best friend who doesn’t do much except look attractive to middle-aged men. That covers the main cast. Ricky’s parents are Frank (Chris Cooper), a self-loathing closeted homosexual retired marine colonel who abuses Ricky, and Barbara (Allison Janney), an unemotional zombie. Buddy Kane (Peter Gallagher) is Carolyn’s real estate agency business rival. That about covers the side cast. Scott Bakula is in this movie too!

Let the antics begin! Lester becomes infatuated with Angela after watching her cheerleader routine at a high school basketball game (fantasies with rose petals and all). Angela picks up on this quickly and starts enabling him. Lester overhears a conversation between Angela and Jane where Angela says that she would fuck him if he got in shape, so he does just that. Feeling empowered, Lester quits his job and blackmails his boss into providing a very nice severance package. He buys a Pontiac Firebird, gets an easy job at a fast food restaurant, and starts smoking Ricky’s pot. He becomes happier as the movie progresses.

American Beauty

Happiness is relative, of course.

Carolyn has an affair with Buddy Kane, and takes her down to the shooting range one day which she finds positively exhilirating. After Lester discovers their affair at the fast food restaurant’s drive-thru window (and not caring that much about it whatsoever), Kane ends the affair and Carolyn feels embarrassed for everything.

Jane starts going out with Ricky, which strains her friendship with Jane. They hit it off nicely; Ricky finds Jane beautiful (he finds everything beautiful except Angela).

Ricky had videotaped footage of Lester working out shirtless in his garage, which Frank finds and then starts assuming his son is one of those filthy cocksuckers that he hates so damn much. Later, through the window, Frank sees what he mistaken believes is Ricky sucking Lester off, but he was really just dealing him pot. A quick confrontation with his son, where Frank beats the shit out of him, ends with Frank kicking him out of the house indefinitely and then crying.

When Angela becomes jealous of all the time Jane and Ricky are spending together, Ricky calls Angela “ordinary” which really sets her off in a tailspin.

Frank visits Lester in the garage only to start breaking down in front of him. After a comforting hug, Frank kisses Lester. A surprised Lester pushes Frank away gently and tells him that he’s not gay. Frank numbly staggers back out of the garage.

American Beauty

This isn’t half-bad, actually.

Lester returns to the house to find a distraught Angela. He tells her that she’s anything but ordinary, which is everything she apparently ever wanted to hear. The almost have sex until Angela admits she’s a virgin, which completely snaps Lester out of his lust (in a semi-good way though; probably sees her as some sort of beautiful, untouched, delicate flower now). They have a moment where they vent their respective frustrations. Angela asks Lester how he’s doing, and he’s stunned by a question he hasn’t heard in a long, long time. He’s smiles and says that he’s better than he’s been in a while. When Angela excuses herself to the bathroom, Lester gets shot in the back of the head and killed by an unknown assailant (later revealed to be Frank).

Lester’s voiceover assures the audience that there’s so much beauty that can be appreciated in the world! We all have a good laugh.


TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

I’m torn on how I feel about American Beauty. Let’s completely ignore the reprehensibly creepy dad-in-love-with-his-daughter’s-friend plot for now. On one hand, bringing the focus to the seedy underbelly of suburban life by watching (most) of these characters fall apart at the seams was on point. Also, finding the beauty in everything, even the ugly and the mundane, is a good, healthy life lesson. God knows I find beauty in the ugliest music in existence, so I know what it’s like to be able to take the step back and experience it from such a perspective. Certainly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. One man’s trash (Ricky’s view of Angela) is another man’s treasure (Lester’s view of Angela). On the other hand, this being an Oscar winner for Best Picture seems awfully weird, and my gut feeling on that tells me that either the movie hasn’t aged well or the public perception of the movie back in 1999 hasn’t aged well. Also, Kevin Spacey wanted to fuck his daughter’s friend. Gross.

I thought the tagline “…look closer.” seemed strange to me until I thought about it a little bit more. Ricky was obviously the best at looking closer, being the most confident and self-actualized character in the movie. He wasn’t confused about who he was, what he wanted, or what he valued like pretty much the rest of the cast. He was able to look at a bag in the wind and find something stunning and life-changing about it. And good for him, more power to ya. I certainly don’t find a bag dancing around particularly beautiful, but Ricky does without an ounce of cynicism. He is able to look closer, even finding the beauty in a half-smiling dead man. As an audience we can see where he’s coming from… if you look closer.

But that doesn’t make his face any less creepy.

American Beauty

Kevin Spacey’s dead carcass is so beautiful it should be in a museum!

I was pleasantly surprised, and relieved, that the entire focus of Lester’s character isn’t with his inappropriate infatuation with a teenager. Be that as it may, his scene with Angela was brutally uncomfortable even if it ended with the realization that Lester found beauty in her purity and didn’t really want to bone her. So that’s cool. Maybe that part aged like fine milk, because 1999 was the era of “COUNTING DOWN UNTIL THE OLSEN TWINS TURN 18, HIGH FIVE BROTHER” and we don’t do that shit anymore. Ain’t like in 2024 we’re all like “WHEN IS MILLIE BOBBY BROWN LEGAL?” Do you know why? Because she’s 20 right now. Dipshit. And she’s too young for you, so don’t even think about it.

Suburban nightmare. The “look closer” theme applies to the oppressiveness of suburban life once you peel back the layers. This kind of inside look into the drama and dissatisfaction with normal pretend-to-be-happy people was relatively groundbreaking at a time when the economy was thriving, Bill “Blowjob” Clinton was president, and everything seemed absolutely ok. Showing a lack of fulfillment with the American Dream in the ’90s was not something people did, and this movie flipped that on its head. Doesn’t seem like a big deal in this day and age, right? Now we’re all happy to announce our seven-days-a-week therapy sessions and our heaping handfuls of daily medications just to live and survive in this shit-ass world. You don’t have to live in the suburbs to have a nervous meltdown, but I’m sure it helps!

American Beauty

White picket fences! *BANG BANG* Neighbors borrowing your lawnmower! *BANG BANG BANG*

Closet homosexuality. Yeah, that one rings true. The last thing you wanted to be in 1999 was gay, but the movie forces you to consider Col. Fitts’ character and… empathize? I hope not. I didn’t find much beauty in his self-loathing homophobic dickhead character at all, but I liked how Ricky fed him what he wanted during every conversation they had together until the very end. The colonel was like “put up your dukes” and Ricky was like “yeah I like penises, what of it sir?” Too bad CJ Cregg was a total zombie in their family, I would have lit her husband up like he was Josh Lyman.

TOPIC 2 — Synthesis, Structure, and Properties of Chiral Titanium and Zirconium Complexes Bearing Biaryl Strapped Substituted Cyclopentadienyl Ligands

Just kidding! That’s Bill Odenkirk’s dissertation! I don’t know shit about cyclopentadienyl ligands! As if!

But yeah, I’ve said enough about American Beauty. Leave me alone.


IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

When Lester throws the asparagus, he was supposed to throw it on the floor. The reactions of Annette Bening and Thora Birch are genuine.
Throwing it at Thora Birch’s watermelon-shaped head would’ve garnered an extra-genuine reaction! It doesn’t get any more genuine than a trip to the emergency room, I always say.

According to his Oscar speech, screenwriter Alan Ball was sitting at the World Trade Center plaza when he saw a paper bag floating in the wind and was inspired by it to write the film, which was originally conceived as a stage play.
As of this writing, this bit of trivia has 911 thumbs up on IMDb! COINCIDENCE?! I think not! Alan Ball caused 9/11.

American Beauty

Infamously, the most beautiful thing in the world. So beautiful I want to put it over my head and tie it around my neck.

Since Thora Birch was barely 17 years old at the time she made the film and thus classified as a minor in the United States, her parents had to approve her brief topless scene in the movie, and they and child labor representatives were on the set for the shooting of it. “To me, [the nudity] made sense,” Birch said of the scene. “It wasn’t something that shouldn’t be in there. It’s something that would happen.”
Yeah, this made me uncomfortable since I knew Birch was a minor. This seems like such a dated thing to happen. I feel like there’s not a studio in the country that would allow a minor to go topless in a feature film. BUT THAT’S JUST ME. I FORGOT TO BE FUNNY IN THIS ONE. OH WELL.

The title of the film refers to a breed of roses that, while pretty and appealing in appearance, is often prone to rot underneath at the roots and branches of the plant. Thus, the tagline “… look closer” tells the viewer that when they look beyond the “perfect suburban life”, they will find something rancid at the root.
Double meanings, fuck yeah. They should have called the movie “Stench Blossoms”.

The helicopter shot at the beginning of the movie was originally for a flying sequence where Lester floats over the houses and then down onto his bed.
Put that in the film and kiss your Oscar goodbye.

The scene where Lester is putting in an application for the counter job at Smiley Burger was actually shot at night, but it was later fixed to look like the daytime. Notice that neither Lester nor the burger kid have shadows on their faces from the sun.
WOW. I DID NOT NOTICE THAT THE BURGER KID HAD NO SHADOW ON HIS FACE. This is the worst trivia since “Vic Morrow got decapitated like a nerd” from that one Twilighty movie about that Zone.

The Spartanettes’ dance routine was choreographed by singer Paula Abdul.
Ah, so that’s why it looked like the kids were all stumbling around drunk as shit.


IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes. American Beauty is quite thought-provoking and, although often over-the-top, it’s relatively grounded in reality. As someone who escaped the suburbs, I could’ve someday ended up like Lester if I stayed. Hopefully without the light pedophilia, though. Who am I? Matt Gaetz??

American Beauty

Never mind, these two are too old for Matt Gaetz.

The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 13: “Punishments”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Egwene waits in her room. Novices get these shitty dorm rooms that have, like, a bed and a lamp and not even a TV, let alone cable. There are holes in the walls that generations of Novices have drilled in order to speak to one another in their rooms. Egwene talks to Elayne in the next room over about her fears and worries: getting punished, getting stilled, getting kicked out, getting killed, getting bludgeoned, etc. They’re supposed to be hailed as heroes! The Horn of Valere! Recognizing Liandrin as the stinky Black Ajah that she is! Parents just don’t understand…

Egwene’s door opens to reveal Faolian, who knows of the gloryholes and asks Egwene sneeringly if she’s having a nice little chat. Egwene, remembering Sheriam’s order to not speak to anyone who isn’t a full Aes Sedai, remains silent. Faolian grumbles and orders Egwene out of the room. Elayne has also been herded out of her own room by her Accepted guard, and they are both headed to the Amyrlin Seat. They meet up with Nynaeve as well. After dropping the three of them off, the Accepted leave and Siuan takes about six hours to look up from her paperwork and address them.

Nynaeve, ever the hothead, tries to defend her position. They did not run away, Liandrin basically kidnapped them. Siuan slams the table and tells her to cork it. Once Elayne blurts out that Liandrin is Black Ajah, Siuan sighs and admits that she knows this already…

Liandrin and twelve other women left the Tower a few months ago. They tried to break into the storeroom where they keep the angreal and the sa’angreal. Even the ter’angreal! Even ones nobody knows the use for! It’s pretty fucked up. Maybe they know what it’s used for. Perhaps something scary and weird and bizarre and kinky. Then they killed a bunch of people on their way out.

So why, WHY, are Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne being treated like naughty little children? Because they must keep up appearances. If anyone caught win that Liandrin had anything to do with it, they might be stilled forthwith. In fact, if anything, they’re being punished for falling for Liandrin’s ruse in the first place.

Anyway, on the flipside, since everyone has these crazy strong powers, Egwene and Elayne are to be elevated to Accepted and they get to go through all the fun trials that Nynaeve had to deal with in Book 2.

Things are complicated for Elayne because Queen Morgase wants Elayne back as soon as possible, but Siuan has no intentions of letting Elayne go no matter what Queen Morgase wants. She then asks Elayne to leave so that she can speak to Egwene and Nynaeve alone.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10 – “Rescuer”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Girl in the World storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10 – “Rescuer”! In the previous installment, Supergirl and the Silver Banshee fight the Black Banshee.

That’s it.

That’s all.

Oh yeah, uh, the Black Banshee sucked Supergirl up into himself and now he’s even stronger! This won’t bode well for Black Banshee’s daughter, who’s going to get sent to her room in about three pages.


Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10 [August, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Rescuer”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10

Per the cover art, Supergirl is going to take advantage of the whole sucked-up-into-the-void situation by riding a demon shadow dinosaur! “TRAPPED IN THE WORLD OF BLACK BANSHEE!” It’s like Jurassic Park without all the shaking Jell-O.

We start off “Somewhen”. The comic doesn’t even know when this is, that’s how arbitrary it is. We’re on Krypton before it went explody, and Kara is undergoing a procedure that she accidentally fell asleep during. No one has ever fallen asleep during such a procedure before, so this shit is unacceptable with a capital U, even though I didn’t capitalize it. Just pretend I did. “I hope my daughter’s… inattentiveness will not affect the results,” Kara’s mother, Alura, says. I hope it does affect the results, personally. Don’t fall asleep during class if you can’t pay the troll toll.

The procedure was a genescan for a Matching Ritual, one that her father would disapprove of. Kara remembers this, but now she’s living it again? Something’s rotten in the state of Black Banshee Void. Maybe it’s just a very vivid memory? But then it suddenly shifts to a new one where Kara and Alura travel to the Firefalls (which looks like an ugly pit of active volcanos, somewhere I’d never visit unless there were promises of cookies). Alura still talks about the Matching Ritual, though, and she’s quite embarrassed that Kara fell asleep. She’ll surely be cutting a switch today!

Kara doesn’t want to do the ritual either. It’s some arranged marriage shit, and her parents didn’t have to do it! They found each other in college and fucked a lot in the dorms while Alura’s roommate was lying awake in the top bunk.

Once Alura concedes and tells her daughter that she doesn’t have to do the ritual if she doesn’t want to (bringing shame on House El, of course), Kara realizes that the conversation is skewed. She realizes that none of this is how it happened.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10

Hey, did you hear the one about the woman with two black eyes…?

Alura gets all strange and demon-y. Almost in a trance, she walks off their platform and down, down, down the Firefalls while Kara screams. “These aren’t memories! This is a nightmare!” She now remembers fighting Black Banshee. She now remembers getting absorbed by the beast and hoping that her immense energy would destroy him.

“I’M AFRAID IT DIDN’T QUITE WORK AS YE PLANNED, LASS,” says a creepy apparition that makes itself known before her. “OH YES INDEED… I CAN HEAR YER THOUGHTS HERE. I CAN SEE YER MEMORIES. I CAN FEEL YER FEAR. BECAUSE HERE, I RULE. WELCOME, GIRL… WELCOME INSIDE THE BANSHEE!”

*festive music plays, a hostess hands her a pile of Chuck E. Cheese tokens*

Kara finds herself wearing Kryptonian battle armor, which is blue and sleek and has abdominal muscles. Black Banshee’s Insides finds that really quaint. A costume spurred by the memory of a father’s love, eh? WELL IT WON’T WORK! *gnashes gums*

Black Banshee surmises that the vision of Kara is residual energy from her soul that wasn’t fully absorbed, perhaps because she’s Too Damn Strong. Good thing he can just kill it and be done with it fast! Like this *whack*. I mean, this *whack*. Get back here you little brat. *whack whack thump*

He does knock Kara down off the platform, and since her ability to fly has been shot, she plummets down the depths of the Firefalls. She lands in the lava, which changes into fresh, ambient-temperature water. Another memory! What excitement awaits now??

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10

Those cold, dead Vincent Kartheiser eyes…

Kara finds herself in the Crystalline Forest where her parents first met (and fucked and woke up their Crystalline Forest roommate). A strange young man lifts her out of the lake she found herself in. His name is Tom and he’s Irish as Shit.

Looks like these two are Black Banshee Absorption Buddies! Anyway, get used to it. Tom’s been there for like 10 years and he has to keep reliving his dreadful nightmares over and over. There’s one where he had to eat rock-hard pudding. Scary! Anyway, he’s Siobhan’s bro. Nice to meet you, lady. Wait, Siobhan’s alive? Is she hot? No wait, that’s a weird question. Never mind.

So Kara catches Tom up on the goings-on of Siobhan. She’s the Silver Banshee! Like, the good banshee, maybe. Anyway, Kara has an idea on how to bust out of this joint. Her power made him stronger, but she still has some power left in her. She has to make that power stronger!… it’s a really bad plan, but I’m not here to judge.

“Siobhan’s out there alone,” Kara says, suddenly brandishing some sort of energy sword. “But if your father’s manifesting inside with us here, that gives us something to fight back agai–”

A KAKOOM sends them both flying backward. Black Banshee Innards thanks Kara for finding Tom! He’s been running loose like a rat for years! Too bad you failed at thwarting Dear Ol’ Dad, Tommy. He needs the blood of the one with the mark — Dear Ol’ Daughter. You understand, right son?

Anyway, death time! But Kara’s ready to fight back with her convenient new sword. She jumps on the apparition’s back and waits until the moment… is just right… to STRIKE!… wait for it… NOW!… wait for it… NOW! RIGHT NOW! DO IT NOW! SLASH SLASH SLASH!… wait for it…

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10

Then turn two into four, four into eight, eight into sixteen, and keep going until you’re buried in octillions of swords and the universe collapses upon itself.

Channeling her magic Yellow Sun Power of No Consistent Rules Whatsoever, she is able to transform one sword into two! Now she can swish and flip them around like a theatric pro! “You hurt my friend, Monster!” Kara shrieks. “You stole my power! And now – I’M TAKING IT BACK!”

She slams two swords in its back. Black Banshee’s Creepy Ghost Formation of Doom and Such screams in a flash of blinding yellow light.

“What have ye done, girl?!” Black Banshee – the physical Black Banshee fighting his daughter — weakly cries as he collapses on the street in pain and agony and *checks thesaurus* heartbreak. Silver Banshee takes this moment of distraction to suck her father up into her own special little void. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” she laughs. “I’VE DONE IT! I CAN’T EVEN FEEL HIM INSIDE!” she yells triumphantly. I’ll let you come up with your own incest joke here.

Kara and Tom find themselves standing on the street while Silver Banshee cackles and jubilates. She’s about to lose control again, but then she morphs back into good ol’ Siobhan once she notices her brother standing there looking just as he did the day she lost him in the couch cushions.

“Oh, Kara, ye did it!” she says, hugging her friend. “Somehow ye brought him back to me!”

Tom can’t believe the sexy little piece he sees before her! How she’s grown! How long has he been trapped? Like… twelve years, one hundred fourteen days, six hours, six minutes, and forty-one seconds? Damn.

Don’t celebrate too soon, now. The helicopters are still trying to gun down Blondie. Just fucking great. No worries, Kara will just grab both Siobhan and Tom and fly them out of there, scaring the absolute buttshit out of Tom in the process. lmao

“Elsewhere” (it’s kinda like “Somewhen”), some douchebag developed a camouflage suit and he intends to go kill Supergirl. I don’t know who this is or why I should care, but clearly the Black Banshee story is over and we’ll going to “seamlessly” transition into another one. The end.

Final Thoughts

I already gave my final thoughts, they’re just buried up there among the paragraphs. Look closely and you can see them. Closer… closer… *pokes out eyes Three Stooges-style*

Octavia, Chapter 3 – Shelter

Thousand Year Old Vampire is a lonely solo role-playing game in which you chronicle the unlife of a vampire over the many centuries of their existence, beginning with the loss of mortality and ending with their inevitable destruction.
Previous Journal Entries:
The BeginningBloodthirsty

Horrified at your new nature, you withdraw from society. Where do you hide? How do you feed? Create a stationary Resource which shelters you.

It has been five weeks since I killed Livius. Once I came back to my senses, I was horrified at what had happened. What had I become? What had Benizzone done to me? I can’t even remember. I let myself be seduced and now I eat people? It’s bizarre.

After I killed Livius, I panicked. I can only imagine the inhuman noises that I must have been making during the carnage — snarling, growling. The house is very small — a main living area with a fireplace and a cooking pot, and two separate quarters for sleeping — and, surely, if anyone was there they would have heard what transpired. I had left the broom closet to face only silence — and the excruciating pain that I now endured from the rising sun. My instincts had told me that it would only get worse as the sun rose higher in the sky during these harsh summer months, so I ran back to the bedroom I shared with my younger siblings (all of whom were absent from the room, presumably up early to play in the fields while my father and older brothers were tending the crops) and snatched my heavy blanket. I usually had it tucked away during the season; I must have grabbed it in a daze before falling into heavy sleep last night.

The fields were behind the house, so this was my only chance to escape the scene of the gruesome, inexcusable crime I had committed. Blanket over my body to shield me from the effects of the sun, I bolted from the door of our house and ran as fast as I could. Running, running, I did not stop. Miles I must have run, easily, until I came across the large woodlands. Dense with trees, the woodlands made a suitable enough protection from the low sun. I reasoned that I didn’t have much time before I was in peril — perhaps the sun could kill me if I was unprotected — and my vision was impaired by the blanket, so I scrambled to find shelter. Anything, even if it was temporary.

After much aimless wandering, after much acceptance that I was far from civilization, after realizing that I may not be able to find my way back home, I came across a cave etched in a tall cliff by a trickling stream. Wary of bears and other dangerous woodland creatures, I explored the small cave and found no evidence of a dwelling. No discarded bones, no sticks or twigs for makeshift bedding. I felt that this was a safe haven until the sun set. Until then, I squatted in the cave waiting. Waiting and hungry…

This brings me to the present day. Emerging from the cave only at night, I eventually got a feel for the woods and am able to subsist on the blood of rabbits, foxes, deer and other creatures during the day that would be safe to capture and kill without fear of retaliation. In fact, I am quite surprised at my strength. I’ve always been swift and lithe as a trained assassin, but this is power unlike I’ve ever experienced. It’s actually quite exhilarating! After a time, I was able to get my bearings in the woods and even find my way out near Tuscany. I spend my evening prowling the nearly empty streets and slitting the throats of beggars and degenerates that litter some of the more unsavory parts of the city, feasting on their delicious blood and keeping up my endurance. I find that I don’t require much, if any, sleep. Feasting is all I need to keep me from feeling weak.

I break into homes and steal supplies. Extra weapons, mostly, for hunting bears. Materials for building fires for the surprising chilly evenings in the cave. Books from the nobles’ extensive libraries to fend off boredom. And plenty of candles. I also take an empty leather-bound book for chronicling my thoughts and feelings, helping to come to terms with my new life. I realize that I will have to find a more permanent living arrangement. Perhaps the cemeteries in Tuscany. Or, even better, the catacombs under the city. The catacombs are empty of people and creatures save for rats, which I no longer fear.

I plan at nightfall to explore the catacombs and find a sizeable chamber for residing during the day. The thought almost excites me. The city is heavily populated. A never-ending feast awaits!

Skills:
Assassinating
Smooth-Talking
Sneaking
Bloodthirsty

Resources:
Dagger
Slingshot
Locket
Cave in the Woods
Diary

Mark:
A permanent blood-red discoloration of the iris of my right eye

Mortals:
Octavius Caesonius, my father; a farmer

Claudius Marcus, my mentor; an assassin

Livius Lucanus, my eldest brother; mean-spirited and ignorant

Immortal:
Bonizzone Petruccio, high-level secretary in King Charles V’s court; handsome and cunning

Memory #1
I am Octavia Maria, first daughter of Octavius Caesonius, a farmer; born on a small farm outside of Tuscany in 1503; I am a 21-year-old female assassin.

Memory #2
My father gifts me with a slingshot for my ninth name day; I immediately kill two moles running around the potato patch from fifty yards away.

Memory #3
Claudius gifts me with a special silver dagger with a ruby on the hilt after I complete my assassin training.

Memory #4
Livius steals my locket and throws it up on the barn rafters; I spend hours trying to climb up to the ceiling and throwing stones at the rafter to knock it down.

Memory #5
Bonizzone hires me to be his private assassin shortly before biting my neck and turning me; the iris of my right eye turns a permanent blood-red color.

My first kill, my eldest brother, Livius Lucanus; I drink his blood, the sensation is wonderful; I am a 21-year-old vampire.

Memory #6
I find shelter in a cave in the woods between the farm and Tuscany; I subsist on woodland creatures during the day, beggars and degenerates in Tuscany at night.

Diary

Memory #2
My father gifts me with a slingshot for my ninth name day; I immediately kill two moles running around the potato patch from fifty yards away.