Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #30!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #30 [May, 1957]

”Rage Before Beauty”

“Archie, you look bluer than an Eskimo in a bikini!” Jughead says racistly as they walk down the street. “What’s up?”

HE’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S UP! IT’S BETTY’S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW AND HE AIN’T GOT NO CLUE WHAT TO GET HER! A HEART-SHAPED BOX OF CHOCOLATES? A SINGING WALL FISH? GIRLS LOVE THOSE SINGING WALL FISHES, RIGHT?

But the real problem is that Veronica will start sulking if Archie has the audacity to give someone a birthday gift on their birthday. Jughead has a great idea: get Veronica’s input on what to get Betty for her birthday! Then she’s involved and no one will be eating their butt for breakfast! Great idea! “My boy, you are brilliant!” he tells his faithful, loyal, hungry pal Jughead Jones.

Veronica is taken aback when asked, though. But Archie’s like “Look toots, buying gifts is women’s work. Guys can’t do it! They build things and wash cars. Girls push out babies and help buy gifts for friends.” Veronica starts shaking with anger and internally suggests some carbolic acid! Holy shit! “I’ll have to give it some thought, Archikins!” she says sweetly. Archie thanks her and moves his bowtied ass out of the house.

Later, Veronica and Betty are moseying around town trying not to kill each other.

“Tomorrow’s the big day, darling! What sort of gifts are you expecting?” Veronica asks her best friend in the entire fucking world.

“If it’s going to be like last year, I hope I don’t get anything!” Betty responds. Last year she got a flesh-eating virus. It was totally uncool. Also, see that hideous outfit displayed in this store window? She got four of them last year from relatives.

Right in front of them! And then the house caught on fire. There were no survivors.

Fortunately, Betty was able to exchange all four dresses for a ritzy 98-cent bracelet. It’s like, slow down Moneybags. Next time don’t spend your windfall all in one place.

As Betty walks away, Veronica has that evil glint in her eye. Jughead walks by wondering who died to make her so smiley. “I think I know just the gift for Archie to buy for Betty’s birthday!” she says devilishly.

Jughead remembers that Betty should get a gift from him too even though all his funds are tied up in hamburgers right now. No matter. Veronica will help! She points to the hat that goes with the ugly outfit, and Jughead is like “uh, really?” But he eventually agrees and goes home to search through his couch cushions for the 22 cents that the hat costs.

Veronica can’t wait to show Archie the present idea she has for Betty. Archie’s stomach flips when he sees the awful purple jacket. Strong words coming from a teenager wearing orange old-man-golf-pants. “I’ll get some cash and rush back before they’re all sold out!” he sweats. Now that Veronica’s schemes have been 2/3rd fulfilled, she calls up Reggie “Angry Eyebrows” Mantle to convince him to buy the skirt. That way she gets the full outfit! Smart thinking, Veronica. Reggie loves buying gifts for friends!

I’d could kiss your pink mouth right on your full lips, my dear sweet child!

Meanwhile, Mr. Gerson, who owns the shop, is getting chastised by his associate for keeping that awful outfit on display in front of the store. “Let’s face it! It’s smelling up the store!” she says to a gulping Mr. Gerson. “I suppose you’re right,” he grumbles.

Gerson is just about ready to throw the outfit in the toilet when Jughead returns with his fat wad of Monopoly money looking to buy the hat. Gerson is overjoyed! “You’re very lucky! That’s the last one in stock!” He gets right up in Jughead’s face sexual-harassment-style. The hat gets boxed up and Jughead is about to fuck off out of there when Reggie pops into the store to buy the skirt. Gerson is beside himself with orgasmic delight! Then Archie pops into the store to buy the jacket and Gerson accidentally gets cum all over it. Then Gerson dry-cleans the jacket and sells it to the redheaded stepchild.

With their packaged boxes, the three of them wonder if they should get Veronica something for her altruistic assistance. They all decide to buy another full outfit so that Veronica and Betty can be twinsies!

“I can’t wait to see what you boys bought!” says Betty later, opening her shitty gifts. The boys also present Veronica with her own gift to try on and commit suicide about. IN A TWIST, THE BOYS BOUGHT BETTY A GOOD DRESS. One that’s good for 1959 standards, I suppose. Betty looks like an airline stewardess.

Meanwhile, Veronica gets the terrible, gaudy outfit. She wears it with extreme embarrassment.

“Golly! Veronica was speechless!” says Archie.

“She sure has crumby taste!” says Reggie.

“Women are peculiar!” says Jughead.

Veronica jumps off the Golden Gate Bridge. Everyone laughs. The end.

”Pin Points”

The story begins with Archie stabbing Veronica in the chest with his fraternity pin. She gripes about bleeding out, but then she gives Archie a big ol’ hug. “Ooooh, but I’m so happy, sweetie pie!! We’re practically engaged!”

“I can hardly wait to flaunt this in front of Betty! Hee hee! — She’ll be positively livid!” Veronica says with sociopathic determination. When she sees Betty, though, Betty thinks there’s a big fat bug on Veronica’s shoulder. This makes Veronica hella grumpy. “Hmph! You know very well that’s Archie’s frat pin! I knew you’d be jealous!”

Betty ain’t jealous! She and Archie are old news! Archie farted in front of her two days ago and it killed all the plants around her. Veronica takes this as hidden extreme jealousy, to Jughead’s complete befuddlement. “I know what that two-faced little Vixen means! She’s the sneaky type! She’ll think up some snide under-handed way to try to get her grasping claws on him!”

Jughead tells this broad to take it easy, sleazy.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?! AM I RIGHT?!! *loads gun*

Betty rushes over to the department store and and buys a $2 fraternity pin (that’s like $9,500 dollars by 2024 standards). She hides behind a tree (as every character in Archie comics does from time to time) and waits for Archie to walk by. “Oh, Archie — Archie! Could you come for a moment? I just lost a button on this belt on my dress!” Archie starts salivating. “Do you think you could fix it up temporarily with this safety pin?

Archie gives a bucktoothed grin. “I don’t see why not!”

NOW THE RUSE! Archie had technically “pinned” Betty, lol lol! So now Betty puts on the fraternity pin and shows Veronica that Archie “pinned” her, lol lol! When Veronica confronts Archie about this, he says something to the effect of “why yes I did pin Betty, lmao lol!” and this causes quite a stir for exactly eight seconds before Archie explains what really happened. And then when he finds out that Betty perhaps bought the frat pin, Archie gets up in arms! “By golly, that’s not right! They shouldn’t sell those things to just anybody! I’m going to see about this!”

Archie visits the nerd frat president who looks like the dad from Family Circus. Can’t he stop the jeweler from selling the pins?! And the frat president has a great idea! Go to the store and buy up all 1,500 pins for $3,000! “After this, they’ll only be sold through this fraternity house!”

Well, hot dog, sir! Capital idea! Archie runs to the establishment to buy a whole box of pins. Meanwhile, Veronica and Betty stand outside arguing about Archie and pins and bagels and Herbert Hoover or whoever was president at the time.

After collecting his box of pins, Archie slams into Veronica outside and scatters pins all over the sidewalk. Veronica is enraged! “By the carton he buys them!”

Betty smiles shrewdly.

Everyone goes home and plays Baldur’s Gate 3.

”Base-Bawl Season”

Baseball tryouts are today, and Archie and Reggie are the biggest pussies in the universe so they don’t want to go. They watch the coach force the boys to run laps! Ugh! I hate it when Coach makes me train and exercise.

When Veronica hears that the boys aren’t going to try out, she gets indignant. “You two should be ashamed! The team needs you! Where’s your school spirit!?” To this, Archie and Reggie are like “It’s 1959, bitch, don’t yell at us” and walk away. Veronica’s like “fine then, I’ll only fuck boys on the team…”

Archie and Reggie run to tryouts like bees stung their asses and also the stings are poisonous and also they need the venom sucked out of their asses in less than 20 seconds or they’ll both die of Ass Poisoning. Too bad Betty has some inside information on how strict the coach is being with his team this year: “The Chock’lit Shoppe is out of bounds for ball players, no dates, no movies, and they have to be in by eight every night!”

“Oh no!” How is Veronica going to get her clit sucked without a date and a movie before 8pm? This is a travesty!

Meanwhile, Reggie is dumb enough to really want to be on the team.

I hope you like your jaw wired shut, Archie muh boy.

Long story short, Reggie employs many tactics to keep Archie looking stupid. And it works, even though Archie looks stupid anyway and doesn’t need any help from Reggie in that department.

Betty and Veronica mope in the diner. “It’s going to be a long season with no dates!” says Betty.

“And the boys will be too tired to do anything in the afternoons!” says Veronica.

“We’ll be going to the movies with each other!”

“UGH!”

Just then, Reggie and Archie enter the diner. Reggie made the team! Archie looked like a butt full of bees and flunked out! This makes Veronica so happy that she kisses Archie on the cheek. “How wonderful!” she says, much to Reggie’s very visual dismay. Archie walks out with a girl on each arm. Reggie poops his pants.

”Errand Boy”

Archie barges into Betty’s house and notices a table full of shiny-ass jewelry. Betty makes $400,000 per day selling jewelry to girls at school. “Hawking rocks during recess, eh?” Archie says, picking up a necklace and tarnishing it with his grubby fingers. Betty asks Archie for a favor: make all the deliveries for her. Spend your whole Saturday running around town delivery gaudy jewelry to pimple-faced teenage girls. Since Archie wants pussy, he agrees to this arrangement. As long as he doesn’t mention what he’s doing, he’s golden. Betty is supposed to be the one making these deliveries, so cork it and no one will get in trouble. *threatens with fist*

Archie runs into a girl named Alice and delivers her a shiny bracelet. Reggie (hiding behind a tree, of course) sees this unfaithful exchange of gifts and runs as fast as his little legs will carry him to go rat Archie out to Veronica.

“Are you sure, Reggie? Archie gave Alice a bracelet?”

“It wasn’t a set of handcuffs, baby!”

“Well, he’ll wish it was before I’m finished with him!”

Veronica intends to stick a spiked fist up Archie’s peehole, and Archie is extremely oblivious as he spots a girl named Phyllis and gives her a necklace. “Oooh, Archie! It’s lovely!” Phyllis gives Archie a smackeroo on the cheek. “Thank you!”

Now Archie gets nervous! Ronnie! Ronnie, baby! It ain’t what you think, baby! Honest! Well, Veronica storms away offended while Archie cries for forgiveness. Eventually, after getting a door slammed into his ugly freckled face, Archie is forced to admit that they’re Betty’s jewels.

I’M NOT CONTAGIOUS! I SWEAR THAT THEY’RE JUST PIMPLES! WHY WON’T YOU BELIEVE ME!

Veronica isn’t any happier after hearing that Archie’s been running around town doing Betty’s bidding for free. “You tell her if you’re going to be an errand boy you want to get paid for it!” Archie looks like he’s getting his rectum impaled with seven tiny little pitchforks. Stupid Veronica’s right. Stupid Veronica’s always right.

Well, sir, Archie goes back to Betty’s house and gives her a piece of… well, Veronica’s mind. He unloads the rest of Betty’s jewelry orders on her table. “I’m not doing it anymore! It got me in enough trouble already!”

It doesn’t take long before Archie gets manipulated into running errands for Betty again. He plays to his love for having a boner; his love of imagining all young ladies in Riverdale doing nice things to his boner; his love of giving young ladies all over Riverdale fantastic jewels and gifts and expecting nice things to happen to his boner as repayment…

He returns to Veronica and tells her that Betty hoodwinked him again into delivering all her shit! “Give me that junk!” Veronica yells. “I’m going to see this super salesman! I’m going to throw this stuff right in her face! I’ll teach her to make a sucker out of my boyfriend!”

Here’s the twist you didn’t expect!

Archie’s bowtie starts spinning until it cuts off all blood circulation to his fat head.

Final Thoughts

I don’t have any final thoughts. Archie is a dummy and he deserves to get beheaded by the Taliban.

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Queensrÿche

BACKGROUND

Queensrÿche, previously lead by known major asshole Geoff Tate until the rest of the band kicked him out of his own group, plays a mix of heavy metal, power metal, progressive metal, and alt-rock. Presented below are two thematically connected concept albums, one that rules and one that sucks. Prepare to get mindcrimed!

Figure 1: Mom’s five prettiest cousins.

SAMPLE IDENTIFICATION

Studio Album #3 – Operation: Mindcrime (1988)
Studio Album #9 – Operation: Mindcrime II (2006)

METALLURGICAL EVALUATION

Operation: Mindcrime (1988)

Is this the first power metal/progressive metal rock opera? I’m actually impressed with this. I think most thrash bands were being political by 1988, but political commentary on a progressive metal rock opera? Evergreen political commentary on corporate greed, media dishonesty, government corruption, and societal hypocrisy? This album is 37 years old, man. Nothing in America has changed.

But the tunes themselves are solid. Queensrÿche somehow narrowly skirted glam metal band status, but this is nothing but pop music for self-proclaimed tough guys. Step lively, earworms are all over the place! The choruses of “Revolution Calling” and “The Needle Lies”, for example, have impeccably strong melodies. Soaring guitar lines fill each song, crisp and clean and crunchy. There’s bombast and excess. There’s moody restraint. It never gets too pretentious or wankeried. Maybe a little too serious, but Geoff Tate doesn’t have a sense of humor anyway. The concept is a story about a cult leader training an assassin via heroin addiction to kill political enemies to further his personal agenda. Not much room for yucks anyway, I’d say.

At one hour, Operation: Mindcrime absolutely flies by. One banger after another, this is one of the most enjoyable and consistent progressive rock albums I’ve ever listened to. And original too; I haven’t heard many progressive metal albums that sound quite like this one. Usually the genre is bogged down with fanciful, unrestrained concepts, over-complex arrangements, and lack of cohesion. Operation: Mindcrime suffers from none of these usual problems. Eat shit, Dream Theater.

So, naturally, after all the critical acclaim and praise, Geoff Tate decided to eventually to make a horrendous sequel almost 20 years later. Let’s see how that panned out.

Operation: Mindcrime II (2006)

Tensions were high during production of Operation Mindcrime II. By 2006 the rest of the band really hated Tate and they disagreed with him on his idea to continue the original story. To that end, most of the band refused to even contribute to the album, so Tate hired session musicians. All these should’ve been signs to quit while ahead, but Tate was stubborn and now we have this horseshit.

Operation: Mindcrime II pales in comparison to its counterpart, and that’s an understatement. The album is absolutely boring, with little to no actual melodies. “I’m American” is the highlight, but musically it sounds like a ripoff of Iron Maiden’s “The Prisoner”. There are even moments where Tate seems to rip off his own music, with a few tracks sounding like cutting room floor snippets off of Operation: Mindcrime and Empire. Interspersed between lackluster alt-rock tunes are occasional weird, minimalistic instrumental snippets and noodlings — filler. Lots of filler.

The story aims to continue the clearly finished saga of Nikki the unwitting assassin, but I’ve listened to the album quite a few times now with no real idea of what the new story actually is. Apparently we’re two decades ahead of where we were from the original story with Nikki plotting his revenge against Dr. X. There’s something about Mary’s ghost. It’s all really stupid.

The world did not need a phoned-in Operation: Mindcrime II. Boo to this. The rest of Tate’s band was correct about it.

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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #63 – “Carnage (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Carnage storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #63 – “Carnage (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Peter Parker doesn’t even show up! This issue is about the Venom Stasis Baby growing up and escaping its stasis tube in order to wreak havoc on the fair citizens of Queens by, like, sucking the life right out of them.

Since it was born of Parker’s blood, the Venom Beast contains Parker’s memories. When it attacks Gwen Stacy, it shows Parker’s face for a quick moment, then recoils and retreats back into the bushes.

INTRIGUING. Let’s get on with it.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #63 [October, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Carnage (Part 4)”

Aunt May returns home at the dead of night with groceries, including the stereotypical baguette sticking right out of the bag. The house is dark and empty…

Aunt May happens to look out the window. She happens to see someone collapsed on the ground. She happens to see that this person is the desiccated pseudo-corpse of one Gwen Stacy, attacked by Venom Beast and with all the life sucked out of her body. I’ll post a picture of it in a couple of paragraphs. It’s haunting as the dickens! “Not again…” May says with a tear running down her cheek. I’m not sure what the “Not again…” is referring to, because this is the first desiccated corpse she’s seen since Uncle B—ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Did I clear enough room yet for the picture? No?

How about now?

Now?

Ugh, ok, well how about now?

No? Not yet.

OK, I’ll wait.

*hums a jaunty tune*

OK, here it is:

Looking good today, Gwen! What’s that, new eyeliner?

Meanwhile, Parker is at work checking out tomorrow’s front page headline: “SPIDER-MAN PUNISHES PUNISHER”, which causes Parker to smile. J. Jonah Jeffery Jack John-John Jameson did say he was going to start seeing the whole Spider-Man thing with a fresh angle, and he certainly has lately. Parker pumps his fist in the air! This calls for a celebration! Time for a Snickers from the vending machine!

Not so fast, pisspants. Aunt May just called to say that Gwen died. Get home immediately! Or, at least, write a news article about it!

Parker is so distraught that he webs his way home in his street clothes. Slacks, hard shoes, belt, stripey button-down, and a red tie. He looks positively professional swooping around town. Like a crime-fighting Dwight Schrute.

He finds the police already surrounding the house. I wouldn’t have let Parker through the yellow tape, but they let Parker through the yellow tape. Gwen’s body is covered by a sheet. There’s a frenzy of questions and discourse from the detectives; at some point one realizes that this is Captain “Dead” Stacy’s kid. There were no witnesses or anything of the sort. May is getting hammered with questions like “and you just let her live here?” when she notices a frowny frown of a nephew standing next to her. The detective starts questioning him now, like “And where were YOU, son? Uh huh? Uh huh? A likely story!”

“I’m sorry to do this,” the detective continues, “but I have to ask you these questions. What was your relationship to her?”

“Uh, what?”

“Were you friends? More than friends?”

“Friends only.”

“Uh-huh.”

The questions start leaning toward the “the boy fucking did it” camp, which Aunt May finds offensive. “Peter didn’t do anything to her. Look at her. How could he have done that to her?”

The Success Kid meme kid is looking worse for wear these days.

This is when Captain Jeanne De Wolfe jumps in. She just came from the case of the security guard who appeared to have died the same way. The security guard over at Empire State University where scary experiments are happening! This might be the work of a mutant!

Parker just stares all glassy-eyed and then gets permission to go inside. He rips open his backpack and stares at the Spider-Man costume all nestled in there cozy-like. More frowning happens. He’d be a millionaire if he got paid in frown-bucks.

Later, Parker and MJ “enjoy” a pizza at MJ’s house while May yells over the phone at some rando who knows Gwen’s mom. She’s out for the moment sucking dicks on the corner of 17th and Chesterfield. “If you do talk to her,” May says over the phone, “could you tell her that her daughter Gwen – The daughter she abandoned in what will go down in history as one of the single most selfish acts in the history of man – could you tell her that her daughter is dead!”

Then she calls the person on the other end of the line an IDIOT!! and slams the phone down. Then she apologizes to the youngins sitting there eating their shitty Domino’s cardboard pizza with the government cheese melted on top and walks out of the kitchen.

Bad news, Peter Parker, ol’ buckaroo. You’re not sleeping in the same bed as your girlfriend tonight. He’s set up at the foldout bed in the living room. “I wish you could just sleep with me in my room,” MJ grumbles as she gives Parker a pillow.

“Do you know who did this?” she asks.

“No.”

“I mean–”

“If I did–”

“No, I mean, was this because of, you know – is it Spider-Man related?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.”

“Are you mad at me?”

Oh Jesus, here we go… anyway…

She made fun of my fast food outfit and I clocked her in the mug.

“I don’t think I was a good friend to her at all,” Parker mumbles. MJ rolls her eyes. Then they hug it out and it’s all very touching and lovely and hey look there’s a quarter on the floor.

Now alone, Parker gathers his thoughts that aren’t about naked girls (and there aren’t many of them). She imagines MJ getting tackled by Wolverine. Then he imagines Doc Ock, and Kraven the Hunter, the Wolverine as a vampire, then Venom, then… wait a minute! De Wolfe mentioned the college. Parker then imagines Curt Connors the Ragin’ Lizard Man and perks up!

Speak of the devil, Parker catches Connors out the window of MJ’s house. He’s staring at the Parker household, which is still yellow-taped up. Well, sir, I’ll tell you what Parker does next. He runs out of the house and then… well, no, I can just show you.

Respect your elders, you little shithead.

Parker doesn’t stop there. He grabs Connors by the front of his coat and starts slapping him silly. “You killed her, you animal!! You killed a girl!! What did you do to yourself this time? You come back for me??”

The only thing Connors can think to say is “Aaggh!!”

Then he begs Parker to stop with the pummeling and the ruckus! He has no idea what Parker is even talking about! And when asked why he’s in Queens in the middle of the night, Connors gets nervous and shifty. “There was an accident at the lab,” he says, ready for another fist to the face.

Connors explains the disappearance of the experimental Venom Baby. Parker’s DNA spliced with Venom Juice. Connors knew that Parker’s dad was working on cellular regeneration, so they took a sample and–

“SHUT UP!” Parker screams. This fucking guy, Parker gives him permission to run simple experiments and this is what happens? Using the kid’s blood all willy-nilly and recklessly! And now people are dead! Auuuughhh!! This is the pits, man! THE PITS!!

And Parker keeps yelling at Curt Connors until he’s interrupted by the rustling sound of a fucking Venom Beast climbing out the bushes. So that’s the end of that issue! See you next time!

Final Thoughts

Seriously, though, I’m astonished. Is Gwen actually dead? She looks pretty damn dead. Unless something happens at the end of the story once Venom Beast is killed and the CURSE IS REVERSED, I’m thinking here that Gwen is actually dead! Everyone else who died is dead!

She outlived her usefulness in the comic series, obviously. RIP RIP RIP RIP RIP bye gwen

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July 22, 2015 – Les Schwab Amphitheater, Bend, OR

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

July 22, 2015 – Les Schwab Amphitheater, Bend, OR

Set One

Stash — 11:36
“Stash” is at it’s best when it’s whipped up in a frothy frenzy! And this ain’t it! Man, once Trey gets into that intricate composed section, the tempo is so low that he probably had a couch pulled on stage so that he could lie on it like a stoned Pink Floyd fan plucking his guitar lazily until his dad comes downstairs to yell at him.

How Many People Are You — 7:58
If there’s any song that I simply cannot believe fell out of rotation, it’s “How Many People Are You”. Ten times — TEN — over the course of six years (not counting the 2020 COVID-travaganza), having last been played in 2021 as of this time. I think that’s fucking criminal. I think all four members of Phish should go to jail over this. Right to jail. Right away.

It’s bluesy and upbeat and perfect. Fuck, man. And meanwhile, fucking “Winterqueen” gets thrown in at least once of year. Speaking of which…

Winterqueen — 12:16
“The Winterqueen looks up and sighs” are the first six words of this song and it gives me a goddamned heart attack. Do you hear the way Trey says “queen”? It’s like “queeeeen”. Gag me with a spoon.

However, “Winterqueen” gets a solid jam. Fanciful keyboards from Page and Fish keeps it light and mid-tempo; Trey stays in the upper register. I don’t know what Mike’s doing. Probably fucking a groupie.

Heavy Rotation — 5:56
And while we’re talking about songs that get absolutely no rotation, “Heavy Rotation” has ironically only been played three times, and two of those times were in 2022.

I don’t like this song that much. I guess this is a Page McConnell original that the rest of the band was like “OK, we’ll play this literally once this decade” just to shut him the fuck up. I imagine Page handing Trey the single while crying and wearing a ball gag, Trey whipping him in a leather teddy.

Back on the Train — 9:00
“It took me a long time to get back on the train” is obviously a reference to Trey taking a long time to get back on the wagon after snorting so much cocaine it would’ve given Artie Lange a run for his money.

This version of “Back on the Train” is nothing too special, but I always enjoy the chugga chugga choo choo of the jam that rumbles along on its Type I tracks. Safe and easy stuff. I love not being challenged!

Scabbard –5:37
What the hell is Scabbard? It sounds like a Grateful Dead throwaway that Jerry Garcia played only three times before entering a diabetic coma.

I guess this used to be a Trey Anastasio Band staple until they gave it up and played it only twice during two 2015 Phish shows. So far 07/22/15 is proving to be a little heavy on who-cares songs and not enough everyone-cares songs! Take that one to the bank.

Maze — 10:57
“Maze” is always good, even when it’s not! But a lot of the jam involves Page/Trey interplay, and I can never get enough of Page’s circus organ keyboard setting. Hands down the highlight of Set One and I’m even counting the two songs I haven’t even heard yet! That’s how much faith I have in this “Maze” and I’m always right, so stop fucking arguing with me.

Mercury — 11:02
Yet another debut that will start seeing regular rotation eventually. Some of these lyrics are bordering on happy horseshit, but something about the “The days that are met with onlyness/Aid and abet this loneliness” refrain is catchy and poetic. You know, like lyrics in a song!

The beginnings of the jam are uneasy and cautious as it ramps up to something that resembles musical playfulness by about 4:50. It’s enjoyable like a vacation of Mercury. That is to say, it sounds like cool time. Or a hot time. Whatever, shut up.

Oh wait, there are more lyrics? Does that jam actually start at 7:05? Are there two jams? Preposterous! What is this, two pieces of bread? I’m livid. The audience claps when there are still two minutes and thirty seconds left, because they don’t even know what the fuck is going on either. Let’s tighten this up, Phish. A song about a planet shouldn’t be this difficult to deal with.

Possum — 10:10
What a way to end a set by playing “Possum”? And by that I mean pretending to be dead because this version blows chunks all over my butthole. No way, that’s rude! This is a rousing song, indeed, with most of the emphasis on Page’s fanciful piano over Mike’s throbbing bass. It feels like you’re riding down the road one day and someone hit a possum. Sad, poignant, yet relatable.

Set Two

A Song I Heard the Ocean Sing — 9:13
This song is always a great jam vehicle, and always a good set opener. Trey gets melodic as shit with his solo, downright sounding like a baleful Hendrixian ripoff artist! A harbinger of an excellent Set Two? I sure hope so, you fuckers, because if I’ll be downright pissed if “Waves” brings me out of the ocean and into a sandy beach that’ll shoot all that stuff right into my vagina. Making me crabby.

Waves — 11:30
I’ve always liked the main melody of “Waves”. It sounds pretty watery, you know? Not only watery, but oceany. Like waves in an ocean. It’s like they took this concept and put it to music and succeeded! That’s enough effusiveness for one paragraph.

Jams on “Waves” are never slouches. Trey dances around the higher register while Page sticks around the low. Mike SWIMS around the both of them. Fish hits that cymbal like it’s his wife. What more can I say? Set Two is coming up Milhouse!

Wingsuit — 10:00
Ugh, “Wingsuit”? Set Two is crashing and burning as I write this pitiful sentence.

Sure, it’s a pretty song, but it’s a hell of a momentum killer for the first half. Nobody wants a sleepy tune gunking up a precious Set Two. Put your wingsuit on indeed. And fly off a cliff! Ha!

Trey hits some good high notes though. Real good stuff. I take it all back.

Farmhouse — 6:24
AND THE CROWD GOES MILD. Literally, there is not one clap from the audience when “Farmhouse” starts up because they all know they’re not going to get a tasty, extensive jam from this one. If they’re lucky, they’ll get a solo that doesn’t suck before the band hopefully moves onto some SUBSTANCE.

SUBSTANCE!

Simple — 14:10
“Simple” has the worst riff ever. If you could even call it a “riff”. I certainly did and shouldn’t have. DOO-DOOOO-DO-DO-DO-DOO-DOOO over and over again. Give me a break.

Extended “Simple”s can be fun, though. After the inane bullshit is done at 4:00, the guys play smoothly and sublimely. Mostly, this is driven by Page’s pretty, pretty piano noodlings. I like that guy! The other members of Phish should take a PAGE out of his book, tee hee.

Things get cool around 7:10. They maintain this steady mid-temp groove, Page turns on his organ widget, and Fish flutters the snare here and there. It makes me want to get up and dance, but since I’m white I won’t.

First Tube — 9:32
It takes a while for the jam to settle in, but it finally uproots from the “First Jam” syncopated opener and starts soaring around 3:30. Which is great, because the last thing that I experienced soaring was MY CHOLESTEROL! ARE YOU WITH ME ON THAT, FELLAS??

The show’s almost over. Everyone get your piss breaks in now, the encore is starting up in about a minute.

Encore

Bathtub Gin– 12:19
Speaking of piss, nothing like an entire bathtub full of gin to flush out those pipes something fierce. I always like hearing what Page is going to come up with during the free jazz piano opening, but this was underwhelming. A whole “Bathtub Gin” ruined already!

So next it’s about how clean Trey plays the breakdown. Pretty clean! Oh wait, he flubbed that one. And that one. Oh well, can’t get them all!

Then next it’s about the jam itself. Really gets the blood pumping! Really gets the crowd going for more! More! More! Wait, the show’s over.

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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934 – “The Young and the Brave”

* Part 1 of 7 of the Rise of the Batman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934 – “The Young and the Brave”!

Preamble not necessary. Continue with the DC Rebirth era!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934 [August, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“The Young and the Brave”

GOTHAM CITY. TWO DAYS AGO. A red man clad in a red hood with a tattered red cape is standing quite redly on a window ledge at the top of a skyscraper. “Azrael,” says a voice from above, perhaps God or Reverse Satan. “It’s over.”

“Do you expect me to run?” sneers Azrael.

“No,” sneers the voice from above. It belongs to Batman. It’s Batman. Batman is speaking now.

Something busts through the window from the inside, blasting Azrael off the ledge and into the river below. Then he’s suddenly in some sort of smoky void. “I cannot do what you ask of me,” Azrael gripes. “I will not. To answer to a higher power.”

Batman looks menacing in the smoke with his beady cowled eyes and the bat ears that look like devil horns. “Then let’s send you on your way to meet him.”

Azrael tries to take out one of those Darth Maul double-ended lightsabers, but he gets thrown back by a bolt of electricity. “Heaven help me,” he says. I’ll tell you this much: this issue sucks ass so far. Especially the next page where I get a leaping, full-page Batman crotch shot complete with lumps and everything. I don’t like it!

“Batman! We’re all out of granola!” “HH.”

So he doesn’t get to know right away who exploded the top of the skyscraper. Big fuckin’ whoop. There are other things at stake right now, like that drone over there that was left behind to watch Batman. *throws Batarang at it*

“Whoever this is, they wanted me to see what they were capable of,” Batman says. Azrael tries to hoist himself up in the rubble while a big crucifix hangs on a cathedral wall behind him. “Azrael… who did this to you?”

“You did.”

Well, fuck me sideways! What a reveal! If I had any idea what the fuck was happening in this issue, I’d be floored! Floored!

Fast forward two days, which would make it the very real present. Batwoman is swinging around town while talking to her dad on the ol’ cellular phone. They talk about their rough patch with enough exposition dialogue to choke a horse. He asks her what she has accomplished in the past few months. Batwoman tells him that she’s got a third date with a woman named Rachele! Dad does not like this flippant answer, and he’s ready to send Batwoman to her room. “You’re too good at what you do to be wasted picking up Batman’s second-hand scraps.”

Kate “Batwoman” “Sloppy Seconds” Kane.

She was a cadet in the army, and she’d be leading her own squadron now if she didn’t feel like swinging around in a costume instead. If she’s not going to be in the military anymore, then at least let Dear Ol’ Dad help you, kiddo? Please? He’ll give you a crisp dollar bill!

The world’s pointiest cockring?

Kate Kane shimmies out of her Batwoman jammies and enters her apartment, where she is mortified to find Batman waiting for her to show her the bat-shaped drone camera thing. “You may have heard about the destruction at St. Michael’s two nights ago. What you didn’t hear about was the young man who was beaten within an inch of his life.”

BORING! Who cares, Batman? There’s a Salisbury steak in the freezer with Kate’s name on it and she’s not about to let you ruin her stacked night.

Azrael is Jean-Paul Valley, and I already know that! Good for me! “I’ve read his journals. He believed himself hunted. The journals read like paranoia, talk of great conspiracy that threatened Gotham…”

Kate is impressed by the drone, which Batman claims is constructed of technology ten years ahead. So, basically, it’s like the iPhone 18 coming out in 2026 with the clearer camera and not much else. It wasn’t the only drone, either. Batman cracked into it’s mainframe and downloaded an internet that told him that it’s just one in a swarm. Kate asks why he’s telling her all this. It’s because they’re watching everyone. Batman, Batwoman, Robin, John Waters. “Someone has plans for Gotham’s vigilantes…”

Batman wants to take the clan in for training, but since Kate has a 5th-degree black belt in army-ology she resents the notion that she needs any training at all. But, she misunderstood. He doesn’t want to train her! He wants her to help train the others! Doy!

If you reference this elaborate family tree I made out of construction paper, glue, and glitter, I believe you’ll find everything is in order her.

After Bruce admits that he needs her help, Kate warms up to the idea. “So where are the recruits?” she smiles. Bingo bango! Let’s get these pussies to boot camp, baby!

At the Bay Street Seaport, a group of Penguin’s men attempt to steal $18,000,000 from a beached baby whale, but they are stopped by Stephanie Brown dressed as the Cluemaster! Whoever that is. Sounds like Riddler’s archenemy to me, all hell of givin’ clues to people for his riddles. “She’s been trained by Catwoman,” says the narration; probably Batman. Sounds like the Cluemaster has all the tools she needs to suck really hard, then, “and raised two veritable geniuses. I’ve made the mistake of underestimating her, and I won’t do it again. She’s unrefined, but determined.”

Then Robin comes out to smack a goon with a bo staff. Red Robin, rather. Tim Drake himself will be operating as Cluemaster’s lieutenant. And he’s not happy with Cluemaster right now. “I thought we agreed you would tell me when you started targeting A-List villains,” he scolds. She’s not having it. They fight like an old married couple and fuck like an old married couple also. I’m assuming. I know nothing of their history. Red Robin, you say? I used to like that restaurant!

After beating off Penguin’s cronies, Red Robin tells Cluemaster that “he got the letter”. They’re about ready to make celebration plans until Batman and Batwoman show up to draft them into the Butthead Army.

At a place called the Cauldron, we have Cassandra Cain stopping what looks like child trafficking. “She was engineered by her father away from other children to be a human weapon. Her first language was violence,” Batman says DRAMATICALLY. She goes by “Orphan” and she’s good at beat-’em-ups and we hope to have her on the team if we ask really nicely. She’s in the middle of slaughtering some bad guys and saving some children when Batman’s crew tells her to stop. Stop fighting crime! Stop fighting crime and come with us!

From the Theater District we find Clayface, a lumbering ogre who busted out of Arkham just to scare people out of the theater so he could have the place to himself.

“I used to be a piece of ass, if you can believe it!

Clayface wants to see a movie starring himself, Basil Karlo, before he turned into Jabba the Hutt. He was going to win an Oscar for his performance in Double Fisted Ass Sluts 3 but then the accident happened. “It’s not a long movie,” he says, begging Batman to let him watch his handsome, non-busted face smile on the big screen. “84 minutes, with credits. Just let me be that person for a bit longer. I won’t even put up a fight…”

No deal. Get in the fucking van.

Batman tells Clayface that he can give him is life back as long as he does everything Batman and Batwoman say. And that includes chores and a litany of sexual favors.

Now that the dream team has assembled, Batman and Batwoman addresses them all in front of the Batsignal. Time to get trained! “You have earned Batman’s trust. You have not earned mine,” Batwoman says like she’s King Cunt of Shitfuck Mountain. “I will be hard on you, because if I am not, you will die.” She’s going to take these nerds to boot camp and stomp their faces in the mud. “Do you want to save Gotham City? Do you want to save the world? Then you are going to follow orders, is that understood?”

First order of business. Red Robin, you get on top and put your mouth here. Orphan, you get on the side and put your hand there. Ooo, that tickles.

The two Bats have their army swinging around ropes connected to nothing. Batwoman has got Batman’s number about all this, says she knows that he’s afraid of something or else he wouldn’t be doing all this. This means that he knows more than he’s letting on. So what is it? Batwoman’s your partner. Spill.

The last shot is a large army of Robot Batmen facing a figure standing behind a rail, who is facing away from the reading audience (you and me!) This thus-far-unknown figure is building an army. An army of Batmen. Batmen to stop the Batman. And he looks like he’s already ready to fuck shit up.

lol!

Final Thoughts

I love it when a team of superheroes I’ve never heard of before gets assembled. It really adds to my investment in the characters when some no-name like Ratfuck the Destroyer gets hurt and/or doesn’t get hurt.

Someone should shove Red Robin’s head in the toilet and kick him in the butt. He didn’t even do anything yet and already I want him gone.

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Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #30 [May, 1957]

”Rage Before Beauty”

”Pin Points”

”Base-Bawl Season”

”Errand Boy”

Final Thoughts