The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.1 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Learning to Crawl storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.1 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 1)”!

Who cares about the previous storyline? This is going to be some alternate reality thing going on here? Or maybe a side origin story? Or maybe a Spider-Man snuff film? I don’t know what to expect. But let’s get this over with before I poop my pants.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.1 [July, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 1)”

“I want to blame the spider. That stupid radioactive spider. If it hadn’t bitten me… if it hadn’t given me its powers… If I hadn’t used ‘em to become some big shot, celebrity jerk… you’d still be alive.”

Oh boo hoo hoo! Uncle Ben is dead! Waaahhhh! Uncle Ben molested you, kiddo. That constant stomachache? Those are the memories you’re suppressing!

So with great power comes great responsibility. We know this, and now Peter Parker knows this, and we can all eat our Burger King with peace of mind.

Parker returns home to find Aunt May hunched over a hot stove cooking god knows what. Eggs? Fuck eggs! She gives her nephew some nasty-ass eggs. She accidentally sets an extra place for Uncle Ben, who must have died 14 hours ago if she’s forgetting he’s dead and not even embalmed yet.

The phone rings. It’s one of the many banks who are like “HEY, UNCLE BEN, YOU OWE US MONEY!” Bills are overdue. There are loans against the house. They can’t even afford a proper funeral. They had to dump Benny’s body in the East River. Hahaha!

Good thing that Parker knows where to get some extra cash. He pays a visit to his agent to demand more gigs. Maxie, the agent with a name that reminds one of feminine hygiene, points to a paper of a man hanging from a lamppost by a spider web and asks if Spider-Man did that shit. “I– Uh–” is his only response, which is enough for Maxie! “’Web-Headed Hero Hangs Up Hoodlums!’ Think of the press we’re gonna get for this! Nationwide for sure!”

Spider-Man ain’t no hero! And don’t you forget it!

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.1

I will not profit off of it! All I ask is some money from you in exchange for my services! What about this don’t you understand??

Spider-Man swings away from the building with hopes that he’ll get some pretty sweet gigs lined up. Some real tender, supple gigs. “…I don’t deserve to have a normal life,” he moans, still going on and on and on about his Uncle Ben. Get over it.

The next morning, Principal Davis has a chat with Parker outside of the school. It seems that the little delinquent has been skipping classes over the last couple of weeks. Explain now or forever hold your peace. Amen.

“I’m sorry,” was Parker’s only response. Principal Davis tells the kid that the best way to honor Uncle Ben’s memory is to hand in his algebra homework. Sounds good, sir. Right away, sir. Got any extra homework, sir? I want to really honor him.

Local popular girl Liz pulls Parker aside, which has never happened before, and asks him if he’d like to join the gang in watching a live Spider-Man primetime special on Saturday. Live, huh? Uhhhh…. SORRY, PARKER HAS TO WAX HIS ANUS THAT NIGHT! UH, HEH HEH. UM…

Liz walks away angry. Flash approaches Parker and slams him against a locker. “What’s the deal, Parker? My girl asks you to come to one of her things, you go! Got that?” After Parker argues with him, Flash invites him outside for a stack of knuckle sandwiches with extra grease! Oh, I’ve been waiting for this, Flash, Parker thinks. You’re about to find out I’m not so puny anymore.

I will not profit off of it! All I ask is some money from you in exchange for my services! What about this don’t you understand??

A teacher breaks up the kerfuffle, but hooooooo boy, Flash didn’t want to know what Parker was going to do. He was going to sit on all those knuckle sandwiches, one by one. After all these lucrative gigs, he’ll have enough to be homeschooled and pay for Aunt May’s dentures! Just you wait, Flash!

Elsewhere, a brain-genius kid named Clayton tries to call up “friends” to score tickets for some upcoming Spider-Man shows. He scores tickets for some upcoming Spider-Man shows. I assume the kid paid top-dollar to watch Spidey flip and cartwheel majestically. Clayton jacks off in his seat while J. Jonah Jameson watches on his TV at home. “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!” he exclaims like a character in a 1928 Mickey Mouse cartoon. “What is this garbage?! I swear, they’ll put anything on the air now! Anything to make a buck!”

Spidey has an onstage interview by some Dick Cavett nerd, who asks him why the webs don’t come out of his butt. Spidey points to the cans of webbing he invented, which makes Clayton finally cum. “No way. Spidey built that? He’s not just a kid. He’s a tech-head.”

This encourages Clayton to tinker with an invention of his own. After soldering his dick to his hand, he comes up with his own web-shooter. “Y’know, I bet when he’s out of that suit he’s someone just like me!”

Yeah. Friendless. Horrible to be around. Ugly. Just keep on going.

Peter Parker talks to a photo of Uncle Ben while Aunt May gets a call from the principal. All sorts of smiley, he lets Aunt May know that Parker has skipped about 500 classes, possibly because his uncle exploded, and that the school has counselors for this kind of thing. Aunt May cries with gratitude.

Then she and Parker leave for the funeral (and no one puts the “fun” in “funeral” quite like Uncle Ben!)

It’s because you threw Uncle Ben’s bulletproof vest in the garbage that morning, you turd.

Aunt May smiles at the funeral like a lunatic because they’re surrounded by all sorts of people who loved Ben. And that makes her happy two days after he was killed to death.

A parade of old people hand Peter casseroles, and soon he’s carrying 60 pounds of shitty food. All because Ben was such a generous man and they all wanted to give back with fatty, shitty casserole food. Aunt May continues smiling like a dimwitted feeb when they get home, reminding Peter that good things come to good people and whatnot. The lesson here is to be a superhero with your smelly costume and your cans of silly string.

Maxie sets up the next show by preparing hoops with razor-sharp saw spikes for Spidey to jump through while a stagehand shoots saw blades at him. Really give those hicks in the audience something to gawk at! Amazing! It would be great if Spider-Man would show up, though, because I don’t think you can get away with running a Spider-Man show without him. One could try, though. I’m sure I could think of a way.

Well, sir, Peter Parker shouldn’t be skipping anymore classes, that’s why he’s not showing up to the TV studio dressed in a ridiculous, paper-thin outfit that shows off his titties and nards. Aunt May personally escorts him to the front steps of the school where the principal is waiting to personally escort him to class. “Glad you could make it today, Peter,” the piece of shit Principal Davis says smugly. Ugh.

Waiting there, too, is school counselor Mr. Flannigan who is going to tap inside Parker’s mind after school. So, unfortunately, Parker is stuck today and he’s really going to piss of Maxie! Maxie!

I hit him so hard he had to pick up his teeth with broken fingers.

Counseling every Thursday, starting now, son. Parker crosses his arms in petulant defiance. Flannigan asks about Flash Thompson and why he was ready to get into a fight with him. Why, Parker, you don’t look the type to even punch a fly! And when he says he has punched someone, Flannigan asks if it solved anything. “It would’ve. If I’d done it earlier. I see that now. When something’s wrong, you don’t wait. You take action. You make it right.”

Hear, hear.

Once Flanngian asks if all this is about Uncle Ben, Parker gets up and gives the counselor a big toodle-oo! He books it to the studio where he is just in time for the show (no rehearsals though, eep).

The saw blades start flying at him while he tries to do dainty twists in the air. Not only is Spidey not ready for this bullshit, but the blades rip through cables, supports, and beams. Whuh-oh.

Now the studio is in danger of collapse and the only thing Spidey has is two thumbs and his butthole.

But he saves the day anyway. Buy the comic book if you want to see why, you cheap bastard. I ain’t spoiling it here!

Maxie’s boss later yells at him for endangering the patrons, but Maxie waves it off. Spider-Man asks to get paid, but Maxie’s boss tells him he’s not getting a dime! He’s finished in this town for being such a menace! (Tom’s note: whut?) Maxie tells Spidey to forget him! They’ll go off and do their own thing, just you wait and see!

J. Jonah Jameson burns the midnight oil. He’s so damn mad about Spider-Man doing flippies and somersaults on TV that he writes about how much of a not-a-hero-at-all he is! Surely this will sway the public opinion on New York’s reddest vigilante!

And what becomes of Clayton? He was so damn inspired by Peter Parker that he whipped up a functional costume of his own. You can call him Clash!

What a stupid name. Comic book over.

Final Thoughts

I know the art on this is supposed to be vintage, but I think it sucks toads! Four more issues of this dreck? I’d rather poop a hammer!

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Season 9, Episode 12 – “All Singing, All Dancing”

“All Singing, All Dancing”

Original Air Date:
January 4, 1998
Directed by:
Mark Ervin
Written by:
Steve O’Donnell

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Homer is disappointed when the western he rented turns out to be a musical, so the family reminds him of the musical moments in the show’s history.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

None. George Harrison, Phil Hartman, and Patrick Stewart are credited, but these are all from past episodes.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

Why doesn’t it suck? I’ll give someone a crisp $20,000 bill if they can write me a thesis on why, indeed, “All Singing, All Dancing” does not suck… yeah, nice try. You submitted me something from ChatGPT, asshole.

This is a clip show, which thankfully doesn’t exist anymore here in the Lord’s year of 2025 due to DVDs and VHSs and KaZaA. Clip shows are bad enough; take a look at Season Six’s “Another Simpsons Clip Show”. It’s the lowest rated episode of truly classic Simpsons, and for a good reason. Clip shows fucking suck.

“All Singing, All Dancing”, on the surface, is a good concept for a clip show. After all, a few songs in this episode are classics: “See My Vest”, “The Monorail Song”, “We Do”. And the Iron Butterfly hymn parody “In the Garden of Eden” from “Bart Sells His Soul” is one of the best sequences to have ever been written into the show. In execution, this blows hard. Imagine coming off of a Christmas break ready to enjoy a brand new episode of your favorite cartoon, and the most original material they show is from a movie that Homer rented called Paint Your Wagon — which is a real film, by the way. Honest to god. A real musical starring Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. The Simpsons takes the “painting” part literally for “humor”, as it is purported to be. But it’s not funny!

The rest of the episode’s original material showcase’s the family’s horrible singing voices as they play tapes of old episodes, plus Snake shows up three times to point a shotgun at their heads for no obviously discernible reason other than “hey, here’s Snake!”

You will not like watching this episode. Of all the episodes of all seasons of this show, “All Singing, All Dancing” has the third-lowest IMDb rating. I find it hard to believe that the episode is worse than some of the Simpsons’ lowest points, but this still sucks a lot and it’s undoubtedly the lowest point of late-Classic / early-Zombie Simpsons.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The episode had problems with the censors as they objected to scenes of Snake pointing his shotgun at Maggie. In spite of this, it is one of the few episodes that has been given a G-rating on American television.
Another G-rated episode was the one where Homer gets raped by a panda. The censors decided it was “cute”.

During the end credits, gun shots are heard when Phil Hartman’s name appears on screen. This eerily predicts the actor’s death later in the year when he was shot by his wife.
Oh man, lol. lmao. Snake was the first gunman on the grassy knoll! Sorry, Phil.

Although he normally dislikes clip shows, David Mirkin liked this episode because of the singing and dancing and called the clips “truly wonderful”.
Idiot.

This Episode Aired The Night Before The Death of Sonny Bono
This episode was so bad it killed Sonny Bono. Also, what the fuck is this trivia? How about this: “This Episode Aired The Night My Balls Dropped”. Fuck off, IMDb.

FINAL GRADE
F

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Archie and Friends (Vol. 1), Issue #116

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie & Friends (Vol. 1), Issue #116!

Archie & Friends (Vol. 1), Issue #116 [April, 2008]

”Teen Paparrazi” – George Gladir

Archie used to intern at the Riverdale Gazette or Herald or Times or whatever their stupid podunk town paper is called. He invites his token black friend Chuck to meet the editor of the paper, Mr. Woodrow. You see, Chuck drew a lot of raunchy cartoons and he’d love the whole town to see! Show him, Chuck! *Chuck produces drawings of penises in various comical anthropomorphic poses*

Mr. Woodrow doesn’t have time for such childishness! They’re filming a dang movie in Riverdale, son! The whole staff is on top of it! And the movie looks like shit: there’s a robot in it, it seems. Ugh.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Chuck,” Archie says half-assedly as the leave the building. “There’ll be another time, I’m sure!”

Chuck is like “whatever”.

Among the throng of the public, the movie crew, and paparazzi, Archie spots Reggie and Veronica soaking up the action. “Riverdale’s only teen paparazzi are about to make photo history!” Reggie smiles mischievously while pulling down his sunglasses in the universal act of “looking mischievous”. Reggie holds up his shitty 1870s camera and groans about the other paparazzi already there. Tough competition! Reggie has his work cut out for him, it appears. Good thing he’s as determined as a horse in heat! As they say.

Veronica, ol’ sly Veronica, she tells Reggie that he doesn’t have to worry! The Lodge family has rented out their shitty mansion for filming on location. Ain’t that something? Veronica has to sleep in a tick-filled trailer for the next 20 days, but it’s worth it.

Oh yeah, then what do you call THIS? *pulls out colonoscope*

Archie gets so steamed up about this that he plans on buying a terrible Kodak disposable camera so he can take blurry action shots of H-list celebs. “And I’d like you to help me sneak into Veronica’s home theater!” he adds, much to Chuck’s chagrin. Why, because the black kid knows how to break into homes, Archie? Fuck off.

Meanwhile, only the most famous celebrities are currently in Veronica’s home theater, like “Johnnie Schlepp” and “Mindzy Moanan”. Some guy who looks like Samuel L. Jackson is there, too. He’s smiling and he looks stoned.

Archie and Chuck drive up in Archie’s convertible Ford Focus and notice the throng of fans and paparazzi crowding the Lodge Manor front gate. Not a problem! *floors it, bashes everyone into the gate going 130mph* But really, Archie bucktoothedly tells his fair-weather friend that there’s a back entrance that he used to sneak through whenever he wanted to SURREPTITIOUSLY FUCK VERONICA. Chuck can’t come, though. It’s a secret! Just stay back and draw those stupid cartoons of yours, buddy.

In the theater, Veronica whispers to Reggie that all the photos need to be secretly shot. So slither up and down the aisles on your belly like a snake and try not to grab any ankles. Reggie will do anything at this point; with dollar signs in his eyes, he imagines being able to sell blurry photos of Hilary Duff for hundreds of millions. Meanwhile, having successfully snuck in the back, and with his 45-cent disposable camera at the ready, Archie prowls around the theater as well…

Then Reggie and Archie accidentally take pictures of each other creating a flash with the brightness of Little Boy. Both of them get kicked the fuck out, earning the mirthful laughter of the professionals. Like this: HARDY HAR HAR.

Archie sheepishly returns to Chuck, hands in his pockets. “BOY, DID I GOOF!” he huffs, embarrassed for goofin’. Chuck says it’s ok! He just got tipped off that a bunch of stars, like Scmalec Schmaldwin and Schmillie Schmeilish, are going to be at Riverdale’s ritziest restaurant tonight! (Arby’s with a disco ball)

Magically, there are no paparazzi at the restaurant when they arrive. Archie and Chuck will get the pick of the litter! Look out Regis “Dead” Philbin, prepare to get your corpse dug up and photographed!

Then a limo shows up and Archie gets stampeded by a gaggle of girls on their way to roll the car over.

Chuck’s middle-aged “waiter friend” has a vast collection of Crash Bandicoot bobbleheads at home. Do you want to come over?

Reggie and Veronica are already at the restaurant to snap a photo of Mindzy Moanan, lead actress of Poop Fisting Gigasluts 6. Behind Reggie, crouched next to a column, Archie stands there with his own camera going “heh heh I’m gonna get some of dem shots too, boy”. Then a waiter fucking trips over Archie and accidentally pelts Mindzy Moanan and Johnnie Schlepp with cake.

Needless to say, Archie gets the boot. “Poor Archie, he keeps getting the ol’ heave-ho!” Chuck says, bringing some much-needed urban slang to Archie Comics.

The next day, Archie and Reggie both try selling their photos to Mr. Woodrow, the guy who decides which comic strips are juuuust racist enough to squeak by in the Funnies section. “Sorry guys!” he says, throwing the piles of their photos in the shredder and then emptying the contents of the shredder in Archie’s pants. “None of your photos are quite good enough!”

Mr. Woodrow has a glint in his eye. They’re shooting a sequel in a few years, maybe everyone will get a second chance. Meanwhile, Chuck dropped his sketchpad full of woke cartoons on the floor. Woodrow notices it and tells the kid that his drawings of the paparazzi pooping their pants is hilarious! He cuts Chuck a check for $72 with the memo “Penis Pump” and sends the kid on his way. Archie and Reggie are beside themselves!

“Uh… Chuck, when you get a chance, could you give us both some drawing lessons?”

“Yeah, but why?”

“Forget paparazzi photographers! We both want to become PAPARAZZI CARTOONISTS!”

*laughtrack is so shrill that it cuts through my lower intestine like razor wire, filling my pants with blood diarrhea*

”Back on Track” – Mike Pellowski

Hiram Lodge is hosting the Rapid River 500 racing event, and he won’t let Betty participate on account of sexism! “It’s too dangerous, Betty!”

Oh, maybe it’s not because of sexism. It’s because Betty fucking totaled the car she drove in the previous year’s race. Betty asks for the opinion of car chief “Spinout”, who says “listen to Mr. Lodge, dear, he has millions of dollars”. Now she asks crew chief Archie’s opinion, who says “let Betty drive the dang car, sir, she turns 16 next month”.

HIRAM LODGE HAS MADE UP HIS MIND! Betty, go in the kitchen and make a pie! Driving isn’t for women!

Betty tells Archie to get out of the room, she has some very diplomatic things to say to Mr. Lodge such as “go fuck a duck” and many such similar sentiments. Meanwhile, Archie tells the rest of his crew (Jughead, Reggie, Chuck, Veronica, and Carl Weathers’ ghost) that Mr. Lodge ain’t budgin’. Also there is Carlo Bonita Quick, a driver for the Carp Racing Team (the CRT, as I’m calling it from now on even though it will never be brought up again). She’ll speak some sense into Mr. Lodge for some reason!

“Why would you do that?” asks Archie, setting up the afterschool special you see before you.

“Because I think more women should be involved in the sport of racing,” says Quick. “Especially if they’re as qualified as Betty!” Then she and Veronica go into the room to talk some sense into Lodge.

“Wow!” says Chuck. “Not only is Carla pretty quick on the race track – she’s also pretty nice!”

“If you ask me…” says Archie (uh-oh), “…she’s just pretty… period!”

Uh-huh. Good work, Pellowski, you’re writing a real winner here.

Thanks for the blowjob, ladies! Now, let’s keep teaching the readers at home about the dangers of sexism!

“Carla helped change Mr. Lodge’s mind!” Betty jubilates toward Archie. Then it’s settled: Betty is going to drive the Mach Five. Quick is going to drive one of those cars you have to turn with a crank.

Later, at the Rapid River race track, local stud DALE JONAS is here to talk some smack toward Betty Cooper. Now, this kid is established as Betty’s racing nemesis and you need to read the previous 1,900 Archie comics to understand why, of course. They flirt, certainly, because they want to fuck each other, you see, and the trash talking commences! “All you’ll see of me during tomorrow’s race is my rear bumper!” Jonas laughs. “I wouldn’t bet on that, wiseguy!” Veronica jumps in to Betty’s rescue with that megaburn. Looks like tomorrow will tell the tale, won’t it? I can’t wait!

*commits suicide immediately*

Tomorrow is here AND THE RACE IS UNDERWAY!!! DALE JONAS IS IN THE LEAD WITH BETTY COOPER TRAILING BEHIND HIM BY A HAIR!!! Third place is Quick, who isn’t very Quick.

(!!!)

Later, the three cars are neck-and-neck, as they have been for the entire 1,400 minutes of the race so far (only 3,600 minutes left to go!) Betty complains to Archie that her dang pit stop lasted so long that her hemp pants sprouted. Archie tells her to cork it and just catch up to Dale Jonas, ya janky.

There were no survivors that day.

After almost every car on the track crashes into each other, killing everyone instantly. Betty continues to trail Dale Jonas by a smidgen. “Bring it in the next time around, Betty!” screams Archie through his outdated headset. “You’re low on fuel and you need new rubber on those wheels!” Like Archie knows anything about cars. Betty is the car lady here! Archie isn’t the car lady!

Betty protests: Dale is headed for pit road! Now’s her chance to fucking lose him in the dust! “I know this is a bit risky… but this may be my best chance to win this race!”

Archie says shut the fuck up and bring the car in.

Betty is like “OOOOKKKAAAAAAAYYY.” She brings it into the pit and they refuel and replace the tires in seven seconds, breaking a world record once held by *checks notes* Dale Earnhardt’s *checks note* dead body.

“Thanks to the fast work of Betty’s crew, she emerges from her pit stop just in front of Dale Jonas!” yells the narration. How fucking convenient that Betty Cooper is going to win this useless race. First prize is a punch in the fucking nose.

Long story short, Betty wins (yawn). Dale comes in second (double yawn). Quick comes in third (yay).

This public service announcement is brought to you by Valvoline and the Suffragette Movement.

Final Thoughts

Good job Betty Cooper on driving a car like a hero and beating the jerk who is not a hero. Archie is proud of you and he’ll give you a giant cartoon lollipop when you get home.

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An Education (2009)

Tagline:
Innocence of the Young.

Wide Release Date:
February 5, 2010

Directed by:
Lone Scherfig
Screenplay by:
Nick Hornby
Based on the memoir by:
Lynn Barber
Produced by:
Finola Dwyer, Amanda Posey

Starring:
Carey Mulligan
Peter Sarsgaard
Alfred Molina
Rosamund Pike
Dominic Cooper
Olivia Williams
Emma Thompson

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Lynn Barber’s memoir is on my list of books to get to round out my comfortably-sized coming-of-age collection. I was scrolling through Hulu looking for something similar to Dazed and Confused and saw this available on the streaming service.

I’m not one to ever watch a movie before reading the book, but I figured that it would be years before I got around to reading the book and by then I’ll forget all about the story! So why not?!

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

It’s 1961, and Jenny Mellor (Carey Mulligan) is a London teenager looking to get accepted at Oxford. Her father, Jack (Alfred Molina) is strict, pushy, and hard to please. One day, while waiting for a bus in the rain with her cello, older male specimen and tall drink of water David Goldman (Peter Sarsgaard), a man Jenny does not know, drives by in his fancy-ass car and offers her cello a ride. She accepts, and she walks alongside him while he drives slowly and they bond quickly over music, French film, art, and Hostess Cupcakes. When it rains harder, Jenny jumps in his car. She’s smitten by the time he drops her off.

You don’t know it yet, but I really want to pound that underage pussy, ma’am.

About a week later, Jenny runs into David outside a café while she hangs out with her friends. He invites her to a dinner and a concert with his friends, and she agrees. On the night of the event, Jack is hesitant to let Jenny go out of town while her mother Marjorie (Cara Seymour) tells Jack to lighten up. When David comes to pick up Jenny, Jack finds him so charming and disarming that he agrees to let him take Jenny home past curfew.

Jenny meets David’s sleazy friends, the smug Danny (Dominic Cooper) and the ditzy Helen (Rosamund Pike). Jenny has a great time. David invites her to an art auction after school, where she bids on and wins a painting. They retire to Danny’s house for drinks, where they talk about Oxford. Ah yes, David’s old stomping grounds. Let’s visit next weekend! …but Jenny isn’t confident that her parents will let her spend a whole weekend out of town.

Well, guess what lady. One night, David is smoking and drinking with your folks and charming the pants off of them. After he asks them if Jenny can to Oxford, they’re reluctant at first but then decide that visiting the school is a good opportunity ESPECIALLY since, ahem, David’s gonna visit his old teacher C.S. Lewis. Ever heard of him?

Well, at Oxford, Jenny discovers that David is a con man and gets very close to storming out on him until he charmingly gets her to stay. This should have been the first and only clue Jenny needed, but she does not TAKE HEED and pay attention to her instincts. When David drops her off at home, they kiss. When Jenny presents a “signed” copy of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, her parents are impressed and approve of their extremely fucking inappropriate relationship.

David announces his intentions to take Jack and Marjorie’s daughter to Paris for her 17th birthday. They’re like “uhhhhh, ok” about that. Paris is nothing short of a dream! Picture perfect! Jenny and David bone while they’re there.

You’re going to pound my daughter’s underage pussy, is that it? Be back by 10.

When she gets back, Jenny tries to give her teacher Miss Stubbs (Olivia Williams) a souvenir. She declines, knowing where it came from and why she was in Paris. She disapproves heartily. Jenny is taken aback.

Later, David proposes to Jenny and she says yes. Jenny speaks with the school’s headmistress Miss Walters (Emma Thompson) and, after an argument, Jenny drops out of school.

Let’s cut to the chase: Jenny discovers that David is already married, which really fucks her up. Jenny needs David to help her tell her parents, but David drives off and doesn’t show his face anymore. In a daze of disillusionment and depression, Jenny all but begs her way back into the school, and while Miss Walters declines her re-enrollment, Miss Stubbs takes her request for help. She eventually gets accepted into Oxford.

A harsh lesson is learned all around: don’t fly to Paris with Peter Sarsgaard.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

Oof. So, I was sitting there about 50 minutes into the movie beyond uncomfortable and wondering if I had decided to power through a film that was completely not for me. 1960s British high society pretentiousness weaved in with a very creepy and inappropriate relationship between an older man and a high school student. For literally half the movie I had no idea what An Education was really trying to be about, and I spent the whole chunk just worried that it was going to be exactly about what I didn’t want it to be about. And it pretty much was about that anyway.

This was pretty much my constant reaction throughout the whole film.

Let me just say that I’m glad, in the end, that nothing about An Education was glorifying the romantic relationship between David and Jenny. All the elegant chic fashion, the glamorous jazz parties, the French cultural sensibilities, it all gave it a veneer of stylishness and that fooled me into thinking that. It certainly fooled Jenny, who became infatuated with the lifestyle more than she was infatuated with David. I just hated seeing these scenes with the two of them in bed together. Or the scene where he asked to see her topless. Or just the way he sort of came onto her, even innocently, the first time. I hated all of that. I had a visceral reaction to it.

The last 20 minutes were worth it. The relief that An Education was all about a teenage girl being very, very stupid and having reality crash down on her head with gargantuan force made me see the rest of the movie in a different light. It was never actually about the relationship. It was about a naïve and sheltered girl who lived a very ordinary and repressed existence until an experienced, predatorial man showed up in her life to pull her out of it and into the world of her dreams. She just happened to conflate it with romantic love for this sad, sick little man who led her on. Brutal and unfair. If there was ever a crowning coming-of-age moment in the history of media, the scene where Jenny learns that David is already married should be way up there on that list. You can just FEEL Jenny turn back into a quivering 16-year-old girl who was just taught a very harsh lesson she didn’t deserve to learn. Me feeling nauseated the whole time was the right emotion. Good for me.

TOPIC 2 — David and Jenny

OK, fuck it. Let me delve deeper into this. At the end of the movie, Jenny musters up some courage to visit David’s house where she sees his pretty and plain, sad wife and his dumpy child. David’s wife, oh, she’s been through all of this before, hasn’t she. Been there, done that, bought the postcard. But Jenny’s the youngest so far! HOO-WEEE!! David is such a scamp.

David portrayed himself as this seasoned, classy socialite who was educated, well connected, and endlessly charming and interesting. He was everything Jenny thought she needed at a time in her life when essays and exams and a hard-ass dad were all there was. And, obviously, David wasn’t doing it to be kind and helpful to the girl. Anyone could’ve seen that one coming a fucking mile away from the very moment he approached her in his car while she was walking out in the rain.

Stick this in your tailpipe, Axel Foley.

What do men like David want with girls like Jenny, anyway? Right now I’m 37 and I couldn’t imagine dating anyone younger than even 32, Jesus Christ. You’d have nothing in fucking common, I don’t care if you bond over French poetry and jazz improvisations. No 30+-year-old has anything in common with a 16-year-old, ok? What the fuck.

Never mind, I’m grossed out all over again. Why did I watch this so close to American Beauty anyway? At least Kevin Spacey didn’t actually fuck that girl. Goddamnit, people.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Orlando Bloom dropped out a week before filming began. Dominic Cooper, who had previously been in talks, replaced him.
Hey fellas, remember Orlando Bloom? I certainly don’t!

In the beginning of this movie, Jenny’s fringe is neatly parted. As she becomes more and more involved with David, her fringe starts to descend until it is completely down. This shows she is now a part of his world. Then, as she starts to move away from him, her hair becomes parted again.
“This shows she is now a part of his world” is really fucking reaching here, since bangs aren’t a metaphor for shit. Nice try.

This movie marks the first time in his fifteen-year career that Peter Sarsgaard received top billing. He had been attached to this movie for several years.
I SO VERY MUCH WANT TO PLAY A CREEPER PEDOPHILE, OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!

David Goldman’s (Peter Sarsgaard’s) nickname for Jenny Mellor (Carey Mulligan) is pronounced and spelled in subtitles as “bubbalub”. Since David is Jewish, this was possibly intended to be the Yiddish word “bubbalah”, which means “honey” or “sweetie”.
Couldn’t even get this one right, huh? No one did their homework? Check the internet? Just ran with “bubbalub”? OK, good work team.

I real bubbalub if I ever saw one.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

OK, yes, it was. It’s a good movie. Movies are art, and art is supposed to make you feel things. An Education was a success in this respect even though I hated how it was making me feel. I DON’T WANT TO SEE OLDER MEN SEDUCE TEENAGE GIRLS. But the final message of the movie is one of caution, and I’m glad Jenny ended up getting into Oxford despite her silly and dangerous mistakes.

I just don’t think I’ll be reading the book anytime soon. I’ve cringed enough for one lifetime, thanks.

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Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #489 – “Killer’s Bane”

* Part 12 of 14 of the Batman: Prelude to Knightfall event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #489 – “Killer’s Bane”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, A mysterious bald creep named The Cypher was using hypnosis and subliminal messaging to kill the leads of the Echo Project for reasons that are unclear at this time. Lucius Fox almost jumped off a bridge, but Azrael caught him at the last moment and we all jumped for joy since 95% of DC fans think Lucius Fox is their favorite character.

Also, I just killed a bug with an electric flyswatter.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #489 [February, 1993]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Killer’s Bane”

“Six months ago: Given the darkness, he must be dead. Given the company, it is not a pleasant place. So, then… this is Hell.”

Images of bats flying around and demonic visages wearing Batman cowls flood the page and it’s scaring the bejeesus out of me so badly that I’m going to have to close the comic book for a few hours.

Whew, I feel better. Narration tells us all that it rained a whole lot back in August. Nine hours of rainfall; all the water washed down around 7,000 storm drains where it sped through the tunnels at the speed of… well, rushing water I suppose.

There’s a guy in the sewers who supposedly died of water, and now the demons of Hell have unleashed more water upon him as punishment! What actually happens is this: the water pushes some giant turd dude out of a storm drain outlet after miraculously not dying from anything. He’s a bumpy, green monster man who spends the next six months eating rats and sleeping in trash and fighting various beasts like a) alligators, and b) Batman.

Then it starts snowing. And this beady red-eyed sad-sack of a subhuman munches on a rat carcass, he sleeps while he’s awake now and he can’t distinguish nightmares from reality anymore. He looks like the Hulk, all green with purple pants. A more stringy Hulk. A rat-eating Hulk.

Bruce Wayne HIMSELF has booked an appointment with Dr. Kinsolving. She wants to meet him in the botanical gardens at 2pm sharp so that she can throw magic plants at his face.

Nerd alert!

Hulk Jr. remembers now that it’s people who are the jerks, not rats. It’s people that he needs to destroy. And he remembers that he has to be scary and vengeful toward people now. And that’s a villain for ya!

A traipse around the botanical gardens with Dr. Kinsolving is just what the doctor ordered. Literally! Kinsolving thinks Bruce’s problems are psychosomatic (which means he’s fuckin’ faking it!), but more likely he’s just stressed, and stress is a bitch, and he needs some rest.

“I don’t favor drug treatment as a rule,” she says, “but your body is clearly exhausted and for some reason your mind refuses to concede the fact.” That’s called being a stubborn little bitchcake. “Even hypnosis hasn’t worked…” she adds. Yeah, because hypnosis is lame. Idiot.

Kinsolving suggests sedatives. I say give Bruce a big ol’ horse tranquilizer suppository three times a day. “Can you think of any reason for your resistance to rest?” she asks him. “Any reason you can’t let up?”

Yeah, toots. He’s Batman. He thinks he runs the town with his big swinging dick and he’ll never give that shit up even if it kills him fifteen times over. “I guess I’m just… driven,” he responds. Basically, “no”.

After insisting he has tremendous responsibilities, Kinsolving tells him to knock it off. He will never knock it off. “So maybe I’ll just… burn out,” he says, hanging his head down pathetically.

“Given your condition, any normal person would have snapped by now,” Kinsolving says. And then when Bruce says that maybe he HAS snapped, Kinsolving tells him he has done it with aplomb and grace! That will be $1,250 for the session, please.

When Kinsolving makes a reference to committing a mass shooting at a shopping mall, Bruce frowns and goes DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM, MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED BY GUNS AND I HATE GUNS AND IF YOU EVEN SO MUCH AS LOOK LIKE A GUN I WILL FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS. Kinsolving is like “oh yeah, I forgot” and then suggests some therapy for the whole parents-got-murdered thing. You know. If the sedatives work.

“At this point, more than anything, you need someone – someone who genuinely cares – and you’ve got to believe in me as a person, not just a doctor.” Then she tells him to shut up and stop arguing and go home and go to bed.

It also makes him a little horny, which may be even worse.

Bane (remember that little scamp?) is watching the footage on TV of this green dude throwing cars around. “Who is he, Bird?” he asks his mulleted companion. “Killer Croc?” he responds. “He’s a freak, Bane – with the mother of all skin problems…”

He used to be a crimelord until he got green and scaly, punching police cars and making a fracas. “What happened?” asks Bane. And Bird, with an aforementioned mullet that I can’t stop staring at since it’s so majestic, tells him that Killer Croc whacked some other crimelord named Squid, but Squid’s mooks refused to back down. So Killer Croc vowed to take out the Batman in order to prove himself to be Top Dog of Bone Mountain.

Bane is like “huh, interesting, maybe I should kill Batman instead” and then grabs his Bane mask like he’s going to do it right now while Wheel of Fortune is on.

Tim “Robin Sucks” Drake is also watching the same news program. “Batman’s gotta respond to this,” he says while Alfred scrapes poop off the fine china over a hot kitchen sink. He scowls. “I told you, Timothy – he’s just begun a week’s treatment of sedatives.”

Cut to Bruce sleeping his bed like a cozy little lamb.

Tim argues that not showing up to beat up Killer Croc is just going to invite all the weirdos over to Gotham again. Alfred is like “yeah, punk, this is why Bruce is so tired and worn out in the first place”.

Tim has a brilliant idea! And it involves stuffing hot cherry peppers with prosciutto and mozzarella. Fuck yeah.

Not pictured: Paul aiming his shotgun at the world’s most conspicuous home invader.

Guess what, Paul? You have to wear a Batman costume now and pretend to be the best crimefighter on the planet. Think you can handle that, you insufferable dork?

Meanwhile, Bane looks for Killer Croc because he’ll attract Batman, and Killer Croc invades a mall and starts throwing benches at people. “Lousy freaks!” says the freak.

“Batman” and Robin hear the news from the police radio. Let’s go!

Bane hears the news from the police radio. Let’s go!

Bruce is snoring in his bed. “N-no… mother… father…” he whimpers.

The police watch as “Batman” and Robin enter the mall. “About time,” one of the cops says uselessly.

Bane intends to enter the mall through the sewers.

Killer Croc punches a couple of mannequins that he thinks are making fun of him. He then catches a glimpse of a scrawny piece-of-shit version of Batman and lunges at him. “You… that Bat-Demon again… I wrestle you… in my nightmares…” Then he punches walls.

Bane has popped up through a grate. He is in the mall!

“Batman” and Robin are fighting Killer Croc with minimal success.

He’s too beefy, sir! We need to try psychological torture!

The three of them catch Bane on the security camera. The distraction helps Killer Croc put “Batman” in a choke-hold of sorts like he’s rasslin’ gators. But then both “Batman” and Robin punch him a couple times and he gets launched in front of a standing, menacing-looking Bane.

Bane is filled with that Venom stuff and kicks the fucking crap out of Killer Croc. Even Killer Croc is impressed! Much stronger than Batman! Like, holy cow, my testicles have been kicked into my brain!

Killer Croc is down for the count, all bloody and misshapen by broken bones and what-have-you. Bane then turns to Robin. “I’m Bane…” he says, introducing himself cordially. “…you’re not the Batman,” he continues staring at the imposter nerd before storming away.

The REAL Batman is the one to contend with.

You know, the one crying in his sleep right now. “P-please… h-help me…” he moans. LOL

Final Thoughts

Man, it’s just going to be miserable, pathetic Batman from here on out, isn’t it? That means more focus on Robin and his flat top. Which means I still won’t see Alfred put on the mask and bone four chicks at once.

A man can dream.

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The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.1 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 1)”

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.1 [July, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 1)”

Final Thoughts