Season 9, Episode 10 – “Realty Bites”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 10 - Realty Bites

“Realty Bites”

Original Air Date:
December 7, 1997
Directed by:
Swinton O. Scott III
Written by:
Dan Greaney

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Marge becomes a real-estate agent.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

None! And if you think Phil Hartman is pointless then your face should get acquainted with my brass-knuckled fist.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

It doesn’t, this is one of the highlights of Season 9. People who are naysayers about Marge-centric episodes can eat my butt. Hello? “Marge on the Lamb”? “Marge in Chains”? And it’s not outlandish for Marge to get a job as a realtor. She was a power plant employee in “Marge Gets a Job”, a cop in “The Springfield Connection”, and she sold pretzels in “The Twisted World of Marge Simpson”. Again, eat my butt.

Homer’s a bit of a jerkass, as he will increasingly become as the seasons wear on, but his B-plot is kept to a minimum while the main realty plot is kept at the forefront. In any case, his brawl with Snake on top of a speeding car reminds me of why the show is starting to slip, but I can’t help but find charm elsewhere like the whole Murder House plot in Act 3 with the Flanders family. Does anyone else think of “Bart of Darkness” with this one?

The sad fact of this episode is that this is Phil Hartman’s last speaking role as Lionel Hutz, who kills it in this episode as a longtime incompetent lawyer who seems to be semi-competent at real estate. At least enough where he should probably consider it a fulltime job. He uses his lawyerly spin to show Marge a shitty book of available houses on the market: small = cozy; dilapidated = rustic; on fire = motivated seller!

“Realty Bites” introduces Gil, a dead ringer for Shelley “The Machine” Levene! Obviously, the whole idea was to make a hapless character based entirely off of Jack Lemmon’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross and it was splendidly done. Ol’ Gil used to have it in him, but now he’s pathetic. This character should have been one-and-done, but they literally brought him back dozens of times as the “guy who sucks and keeps getting new jobs”. He was brilliant in this episode, and otherwise overplayed.

Great jokes include the Lumber King’s ass-shaking billboard, Ned Flanders yelling about purple drapes, and George Bush collecting unemployment checks. The worst joke is Kirk Van Houten losing his arm while driving through the taut piano wire. It smacks of a Treehouse of Horror joke that felt out of place. Didn’t like it!

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 10 - Realty Bites

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The episode marks the first appearance of Gil Gunderson and Cookie Kwan. Excuses were made by the writers to bring back Gil in future episodes based on Dan Castellaneta’s performance at the table read, which proved popular with the staff.
You know it’s not the best idea when you have to use a phrase like “excuses were made”. Sounds like the credo of Zombie Simpsons to me.

The piano wire scene was meant to end with Kirk’s sandwich being sliced just the way he wanted, until George Meyer suggested that his arm be cut off instead. Mike Scully described the ensuing laughter at his suggestion as the most intense he had ever heard from the staff, saying: “They were literally choking because the joke was so unexpected. It was a shocked kind of laugh, and it just started rolling, one of those laughs that build the more they reverberate through you.”
The staff are a bunch of morons.

FINAL GRADE
A-


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Storm Front by Jim Butcher

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the Dresden Files series

Storm Front

Well, if it isn’t an other round of the Book Bonfire! I hope everyone brought their barely-opened copies of Storm Front by Jim Butcher, the first Harry Dresden novel! Shitty urban fantasy abounds!

Harry Dresden lives and works in Chicago as a wizard private investigator. He handles problems related to the supernatural such as “my wife opened a portal to the sixth dimension and now pixie nymphs have invaded our crawlspace” or “Bigfoot keeps making passes at me”. Storm Front plops right into his world without much preamble, although there admittedly isn’t much to catch up on. Dresden is the only wizard in the city with as much power and experience, and he tries his best to use layman’s terms to describe how magic works in his world. Jim Butcher has obviously spent some time worldbuilding into something cohesive and understandable, I’ll give him credit for that. However, as someone who has read the first eight or so books already, Storm Front is a little rough. Very enjoyable, though, but not without its faults.

Let me start out with my favorite part of the series: Butcher is so descriptive with people and places that he effortlessly paints a rather vivid picture. Karrin Murphy, Dresden’s cop buddy, for instance, is described as, like, a 4’5″ aikido pro with blond hair. OK, not very descriptive, but it gets the job done! What I like better are his descriptions of both McAnally’s Pub and Dresden’s own apartment. Both sound downright cozy to me. McAnally’s is a no-frills basement bar with several support posts around the room, a couple of windows to let in light, and a coal grill. Wizards hang out to play chess and eat steak sandwiches. McAnally himself won’t bug you at all with talking, sounds like my kind of place! Dresden’s apartment is my dream home: a shitty one-bedroom thing with a small living room/kitchen area, a small bedroom, and a small bathroom. Comfortable couch, comfortable armchair, rugs everywhere, a fireplace, and all sorts of cool shit on the walls. I can picture the fucking wood paneling, too, and he doesn’t even mention the wood paneling. It’s totally there though. I don’t need the sub-basement with the lab, you can leave your pentagrams and talking skulls elsewhere.

“Listen, Murph. I’ve got the dick and you’ve got the pussy. I think that settles matters here.”
– Harry Dresden

What I don’t like is that Dresden, admittedly, is an old-fashioned chauvinist. I don’t know much about about noir detective fiction, but this is apparently one of its tropes. Damsel in distress stuff. At one point he calls women “weaker men with breasts”, which is insane to me. Can we blame Jim Butcher for this? Totally! Dude was a 29-year-old neckbeard when Storm Front was published and he was probably still coming out of his 20s hormonal haze while writing the book. Dresden himself wears sweatpants and a duster jacket. He’s one fedora away from throwing a “m’lady” at Murphy and complaining that the nice guys never get a chance.

As for the story itself, I’m impressed by how all the plot threads were woven together into a rather seamless series of events. Dresden always had something to do next that progressed the story while not leaving anything hanging. A client shows up at his office, then Murphy calls him to a crime scene, then local tough mafia guy Johnny Marcone pulls him in to warn him not to get involved or there will be consequences, then he works on his client’s problem, then he gets an earful from Morgan of the White Council, then he goes home and does some research, then he has a sorta-date with a local hot chick supernatural news reporter, then Murphy yells at him for not working on her case enough, blah blah blah and it sounds like a lot doesn’t it? But the pacing is comfortable, and the pages keep a-turnin’. The action scenes got a little dull, though. It’s hard to write good action scenes. I don’t fault Jim Butcher on this. Google him, he looks like a guy who likes a good action scene. He also looks like a guy who would throw his collection of 20-sided dice at you if you fucked over his Level 12 wood elf.

And with that, let’s move on.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“You see this poop cocktail? It… uh… it makes you invisible for 30 minutes! Yeah… yeah… so drink up!”
– Harry Dresden

Did you like the way Butcher worked magic into modern day urban Chicago?
This is one of the strengths. Butcher has such a strong knowledge of how magic works in his universe, almost to a fault (the prose can get a little dry when he explains some of the details), that I have utmost faith in his ability to worldbuild. A lot of it is cheesy, though. There’s a scene where he’s mixing potions in his private lab with his wisecracking magic skull, and the concoction was basically a half-assed witch’s brew. Like, A LOCKET TO REPRESENT THE LOVE OF ONE LOST. A PAGE FROM A BOOK OF CALCULUS TO REPRESENT STRENGTH OF MIND. A FOOTBALL TO REPRESENT INTENSE SPIRIT. It was kind of dumb, but so is a horny talking skull. These books aren’t meant to be taken seriously!

Discuss Monica Sells’ behavior throughout the story. Do you find her believable? What finally prompts her to act?
Monica Sells is the woman who came into Dresden’s office at the beginning of the book. She paid him to try to find her husband, Victor Sells, who had been dabbling in the OCCULT ARTS recently. To say the least! And the most, honestly.

Her behavior is justified, and I know this because I read the story! She’s acting upon fear, you ninnies. It’s, like, one of the three main things that humans act upon! The other two are lust and hamburgers. Or lust for hamburgers. But I digress.

Since Victor Sells is hosting giant orgies and taking advantage of storms in order to smite his enemies, of course she is scared, man. Do I find her believable? Pfft. Do I find YOU believable? Quite hardly.

FINAL THOUGHTS

People say this is the worst book, but I think that the next story Fool Moon wins that prestigious award. I actually like this one a lot, and I’m glad I reread it for, like, the fourth time. Seacrest out.


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Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #16 – “Torn (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Torn storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #16 – “Torn (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the Hellfire Club has really fucked everyone up: Cyclops is a drooling vegetable, Beast is feral, Wolverine thinks he’s a child, Colossus has been smacked to incapacitation, and Shadowcat won’t stop phasing through the Earth.

How is David Boreanaz going to save the day in time?? Ha. Joss Whedon.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #16 [October, 2006]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Torn (Part 4)”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #16

Kitty Pryde on the cover staring you down like “grrrrr, I have boobs!” How will this impact the story at hand? I’m on the edge of my seat here.

Agent Brand and her crew are trying to bust up the space station looking for the Ultimate Destroyer of the Weapon of the Worlds or whatever. They chase down some Star Trek alien-looking motherfucker who punches his way through a window and out into the vacuum of space where he gets intercepted by a passing shuttle. Agent Brand and crew say “damn” and wonder who is piloting the shuttle. They don’t know.

Agent Brand mutters under her breath that they’re all amateur losers who can’t even do nuthin’ right gawddamnit. “The dumbest alien I ever met just made us look like rank #@%$ing amateurs. He did not do this alone. Find out who’s working with him.”

If it ain’t Judge Judy, then I don’t care.

Meanwhile, Wolverine is stuck in a tree on the school grounds. He prays to God, literally, and tries to bargain for getting Beast to stop prowling around. It’s not happening. Beast is waiting for the moment that he can eat some lovely Wolverine Stew…

Inside the school, Hisako is helping the blind Blindfold girl amble down the hallways to the infirmary where they find a zonked-out Scott Summers and an unconscious Peter Colossus. “No one here is awake,” Hisako observes astutely. Kitty bolts into the room from behind the two girls and tries to help her barely-breathing fuck buddy. She glares the the girls and asks them to tell her what they know.

Here’s what I don’t know: how the hell did she get back up to the Earth’s surface? Is this some plot hole shit? Sounds like some plot hole shit to me.

And Wolverine’s doing well holding his own, I must say.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #16

Tastes like chicken! HA HA HEE HEE HOO HOO HA HO HEE.

The pain causes Wolverine to snap out of it for long enough to go SNIKT, but then he gets scared of his own claws and screams muddy bloody murder.

The Hellfire Club, elsewhere, stares down at some sort of rhombic prism. “The manger itself,” declares Emma Frost passively. Shaw wants to try opening it up with the remnants of his power stored up from all of Colossus’ blows, but Emma will handle it from here.

She punches the thing really hard. It doesn’t open, but it DOES shoot four red lasers at her chest and throw her across the room splendidly!

“Xavier clearly designed it to be impregnable, even by his own people,” observes Perfection. Shaw recommends kidnapping Hank and having him poke and prod the thing for a bit, but Emma thinks Perfection is correct. The only one who can open Xavier’s Magic Box is Charles Xavier himself. And the key is to do a little dance, so no one’s going to open that shit anytime soon.

But there’s a loophole, fam. They don’t need to open it. They just need someone who can go through it… like Bill Cosby from Ghost Dad! But who is able to phase through solid matter effortlessly, possibly even able to phase through the Earth accidentally and is also fucking Colossus and is played by Elliot Page…?

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #16

Right? That drunk asshole is barely aware of himself!

Maybe Wolverine! And speaking of him, Kitty finds him nestled next to a tree trying to be as quiet as possible. Kitty takes this opportunity to tell her friend that Emma Frost fucked with his brain and she also has a veritable posse of brainfuckers. Wolverine says that’s impossible and then starts speaking to her about his mishaps with Beast as if he were a child. Kitty makes a “ughhhh, fuck” face. She’s the only one left with all her faculties. It’s all up to her now.

Some unknown force communicates with Blindfold in the infirmary. She’s going to now “try” something. Try having eyeballs, for starters.

Elsewhere, the Hellfire Club is arguing amongst themselves about losing Kitty Pryde while Emma is trying to listen to some weird din in the background. She leaves the group and walks into a factory floor-type room with a mirror hanging on the wall. “You,” she says, staring at herself. “Did you really think you could hide in there?”

A fist comes out of the mirror and punches Emma right in the face, bloodying her nose up real good. Then a foot comes through the wall and kicks Emma in the gut. Kitty phases out through the wall and continues reigning blows on Emma. “Hide? From you?” Kitty says while they both fight it out. Kitty phases them both into a sewer and she holds half of Emma’s head into a stone wall. “You get in my head, the rock gets in yours,” Kitty warns. Emma starts spilling. The Hellfire Club, its members, their poker games. Kitty is satisfied with the information, for now, and allows Emma to live. “But I’m gonna let you stay down here and think about what you’ve done,” she says while phasing back out of the sewer. Emma looks salty.

Moments later, Emma contacts Perfection via BRAIN TELEPATHY. Perfection says that Emma did fine considering the circumstances.

Even after Kitty beat the shit out of Emma, the others are still in their respective altered and/or unconscious states. Obviously, she’ll have to pick them off one by one! Bald Lady. Hooded Lady. Monolithic Teenage Wasteland.

She feels so alone meandering through the halls. So alone, and–

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #16

I wasn’t doing sinful things to my wee-wee in here, Miss Kitty! I swear!

Kitty chastises Wolverine for meandering around the rooms too instead of hiding like she had asked. “Well, I… you’re a girl, and there’s danger about, I… well,” Wolverine stammers sheepishly, “it isn’t right for a Howlett to hide behind someone’s skirts. I shan’t prize my life above my honor…unless you think that’s a good idea…”

Kitty suddenly suffers a splitting headache. “It’s time, Pryde,” says Perfection, the culprit! “At long last, it’s time to make yourself useful.”

Perfection tells Kitty to not bother even thinking about murdering her in cold blood with a candlestick in the conservatory! Emma Frost might have been a lousy pussy about town, but she’s no match for… THE WHITE QUEEN!

She takes off her hood and reveals herself to be the White Queen. She looks like another Emma Frost. Even Kitty is confused! This whole storyline is full of shit it seems like I’m supposed to know already. If I wanted to be confused I’d watch Teletubbies.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #16

Exactly

Elsewhere, Agent Brand blows up a space shuttle for reasons also beyond my understanding at the moment. Now Ord, a guy I barely remember, needs to get “the rest of his way on his own”. Whatever that means. I don’t know what that means. Someone tell me what that means. All two of you reading this blog, someone fucking write a comment and tell me what’s what.

Oh, Ord is the guy who leapt out of the shuttle in the first place. See, I pay attention.

It was assumed that Ord was trying to kill himself, and Brand thinks this makes a whole lotta sense. “I mean, what would you do if the one mutant destined to destroy your entire planet…”

She motions toward a pile of documents on a table. One manila folder is labeled “Psychic Probability Report: BREAKWORLD” and it has a picture of Colossus in it.

“…is the one your brought back to life?”

Final Thoughts

THE PLOT IS FINALLY THICKENING LIKE SO MUCH LUMPY-ASS GRAVY! Here’s hoping that I stop being such a dumbshit about what’s going on. That can’t possibly be an attractive look, guys. I understand that.


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Dazed and Confused (1993)

Tagline:
It was the last day of school in 1976, a time they’d never forget… if only they could remember.

Wide Release Date:
September 24, 1993

Directed by:
Richard Linklater
Written by:
Richard Linklater
Produced by:
Richard Linklater, Sean Daniel, James Jacks

Starring:
Jason London
Joey Lauren Adams
Milla Jovovich
Shawn Andrews
Rory Cochrane
Adam Goldberg
Anthony Rapp
Sasha Jenson
Marissa Ribisi
Deena Martin
Michelle Burke
Cole Hauser
Christine Harnos
Wiley Wiggins
Mark Vandermeulen
Esteban Powell
Jeremy Fox
Ben Affleck
Jason O. Smith
Christin Hinojosa
Parker Posey
Matthew McConaughey
Catherine Avril
Nicky Katt

Dazed and Confused

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I adore this movie. I first watched it in college, and I can’t think of another movie I’ve seen more in my adult life other than, perhaps, the equally fantastic Little Miss Sunshine.

I haven’t watched it in about 10 years, though. So let me give it another viewing and I’ll save my myriad thoughts for the discussion section.

THE 200(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

It’s the last day of school before summer vacation, 1976. A synopsis of Dazed and Confused is tough to write up since there are so many characters with so many different beats, and they all kind of mingle with each other throughout the movie. Here are the main storylines:

Mitch (Wiley Wiggins) will be a freshman next fall. After being terrorized by O’Bannion (Ben Affleck) and his large spankin’ paddle, Randall “Pink” Floyd (Jason London) takes Mitch under his wing and treats him with a night on the town.

Dazed and Confused

Go back to your Dungeons and Dragons campaign, Wiley Wiggins.

Pink gets lectured by his football coach about hanging out with pot-smoking “losers” and gets tough on him to straighten up and fly right. By the end of the movie, Pink decides to forgo signing a pledge that states he won’t be doing drugs or any other activities that might jeopardize the efficacy of the following football season.

Cynthia (Marissa Ribisi), Mike (Adam Goldberg), and Tony (Anthony Rapp) cruise around, bored, looking for where the action is and not finding it. Eventually, they’re invited to a party where Mike gets his ass kicked by Clint (Nicky Katt) the greaser after he throws the first punch.

Matthew McConaughey plays Wooderson, the most famous character, a twentysomething who aims to relive the glory days of the best times of his life with the teenagers. All right, all right, all right.

After a bitchin’ party, everyone comes of age and learns a thing or two about themselves the next morning. Summer has begun.

Dazed and Confused

SUMMER! LET’S GET FUCKED UP AND DRIVE OFF A BRIDGE!

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts and High School

I absolutely love Dazed and Confused, and it has nothing to do with relatability. There’s not a single character or experience that mirrors anything I experienced in high school at all. No cool friends, no parties, no extroversion, no hazing, no football, no drinking, no drugs, no rebelliousness, no late-night carousing, no girls, no fun. Maaaybbbeee the small suburban town aspect. For me it was all academics and various band classes. Also, I have no reason to be triggered by ’70s nostalgia. I was in high school in the early ’00s with the internet and Nintendo Gamecube and Futurama DVDs, so my nerdy ass wasn’t starved for entertainment or, you know, meaningful friendship like kids obviously were in 1976. I went to the mall or the movies once in a while with friends, but that was the extent of it. Not sure why I’m admitting all this to the internet. Probably because I have no shame.

So I tried to reason to myself why I like this movie so damn much. Realism? Coming-of-age themes? Living vicariously through characters like Mitch Kramer, Pink, or even Mike Newhouse? All three, man.

Dazed and Confused

Not these douchebags, though.

Realism will get me every time. I went to a high school full of overachievers and Summa Cum Laude graduates, but I knew my fair share of Slaters and O’Bannions and Darlas. High school wasn’t nearly as eventful or full of out-of-control teenage archetypes, but there’s nothing about Dazed and Confused that seems overly exaggerated or unlikely. People comment on Wiley Wiggins’ acting, but come on. The kid was playing an awkward middle school graduate. Of course he’s going to make weird faces and touch his nose constantly and make cringey small talk with girls and say dumb things to wingman seniors. People comment on the lack of plot, but I couldn’t disagree more with this being a negative criticism. This movie is about the last day of school before summer break. Kids are out having aimless fun, and we get to see snippets of about 25 different kids with different personalities enjoying their night (or not) in different ways. Like little vignettes in real time. A plot would have made it worse, honestly.

Coming-of-age stories will also get me every time. My favorite stories are about kids, or even adults for that matter, entering new stages of life. This theme resonates with me like it would any other individual, and I’m particularly susceptible to nostalgia. And while there’s not a single aspect of the movie that I could say happened to me too, I can at least appreciate these kids trying to make the absolute most out of the last day of school. Some lived it to the fullest. Some drove around aimlessly looking for fun. Some were even in their twenties trying to relive their glory days. All right, all right, all right.

Dazed and Confused

I give mustache rides for free, man.

Living vicariously through the characters? Maybe. My social anxiety is through the roof, so I can’t imagine hopping among social groups and enjoying late night parties with wild teenagers. In fact, the most relatable character to me was the neurotic, hyperactive, annoyingly intelligent Adam Goldberg. And even he didn’t mind trying to go where the action was. Maybe I didn’t want to do any of this stuff in high school, but perhaps I just wanted to want to do it. If that makes sense.

Highlights of the movie were any of Matthew McConaughey’s scenes, obviously. This particular exchange is the funniest in the movie:

“Say, man, you got a joint?”
“No, not on me, man.”
“…be a lot cooler if you diiiiid.”

Second place goes to Slater’s monologue about Martha Washington having a big, fat bowl waiting for George when he got home.

Also, Dazed and Confused has a killer soundtrack. That goes without saying.

Dazed and Confused

Ben Affleck got covered in paint, too, which is always an lol.

TOPIC 2 — Parker Posey Was a Bitch, but She’s Super Hot So I Was Okay with It.

That is all.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

When the kids are building the paddles, the sleeping teacher in the shop is a real teacher at the school, who still works there.
I like the “who still works there” part. Perhaps this bit of trivia was written in 2001. Maybe he retired in 2006. Maybe he fucking died, dude. How insensitive.

The word “man” is said 203 times in this movie.
Some fervent IMDb Trivia hopeful was like “I GOTTA GET IN ON THIS” and stayed up until 1am with a pad of paper counting all the “mans”. Far out, man.

Although Wooderson is the creepy graduate who still hangs out with high school students, Matthew McConaughey was younger than several of the cast members playing teenagers, including Sasha Jenson, Joey Lauren Adams, and Parker Posey.
LEGITIMATELY INTERESTING! Good stuff, man. Way better than counting all the times the word “man” was said, man. Whoever contributed that one was a massive dingus.

Despite being featured on posters, most of Milla Jovovich’s scenes were cut. She became so upset about this that she decided to take a break from acting and focus on her music career instead.
Yeah, I thought it was weird that Milla Jovovich had such high billing for someone who said MAYBE two words in the entire movie. Also, the very definition of not quitting your day job right here. Milla Jovovich had a music career? What instrument did she play? Her butt?

Dazed and Confused

…I can see all colors at once and all around me and oh god I burned myself.

One of Quentin Tarantino’s favorite movies.
Yeah, why? Because there was, like, one bare foot in it?

The word “fuck” was used 59 times throughout this movie.
Fuck, man. Fuck, man. Fuck. Fuck. Man man man man man man man. Man. Fuck. Fuck, man.

This movie takes place over a period of 24 hours.
Wow, no shit. That’s a lot of the point of the movie. That’s it, trivia’s over. We’re turning the car around.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

This movie may not be for you, so your own mileage may vary. I love this movie. A perfect period piece slice of life with no real plot. If you can’t empathize with human teenagers, then go watch Family Guy or something, you piece of shit.


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Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488 – “Costumes”

* Part 9 of 14 of the Batman: Prelude to Knightfall event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488 – “Costumes”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, we get a resolution to the Ulysses Armstrong arc where the kid wants to conquer Gotham by amassing an army of street gangsters in order to blow up a police station. It was poorly thought out and the kid got a spanking in the end.

So we’re starting up a new story here in Prelude to Knightfall! I hope Robin gets gruesomely maimed.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488 [January, 1993]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Costumes”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

Speaking of Robin, he’s in the Batcave looking at a picture on the Batcomputer of the red guy on the cover art. “He’s called Azrael — ‘avenging angel’ for the Secret Order of St. Dumas – although he wasn’t even aware of it until just recently.” Batman sure knows a lot of Azrael the Avenging Angel, whatever the fuck that means. He continues by telling Robin that the dude has been brainwashed since birth; latent special abilities such as basket-weaving and chewing gum are triggered by hypnosis. He’s so new at angel-avenging that he doesn’t even know all of his abilities. Every time Batman fights him, he sees something brand-spanking-new.

Prior to this transformation, he was just some computer science nerd at the college. He’s only Azrael now because his father was the previous Azrael and then he died via autoerotic asphyxiation. Just like every other Azrael before him.

Batman is interrupted by a return call from Lucius Fox. Thanks for calling back so soon, Lucius, you sweetie. There’s this kid named Jean-Paul Valley that will be plopped into a position in WayneCorp security force. Lucius kisses Batman’s ass for a minute, all “yes, sir, good idea, sir”.

Back to Azrael. He likes donuts and—hey, wait a minute! He’s Jean-Paul Valley? That’s right, and Robin’s going to show him the ropes. Be careful, though, his powers are insurmountable and yada yada did someone say “donuts?”

Something’s been nagging at Robin since the conversation started two minutes ago. What does an avenging angel actually do? BATMAN IS GLAD YOU ASKED, YOU LITTLE DEVIL. “He eliminates offending members of the Order, Robin. He’s programmed to kill.”

Eep. Well… uh… show him the ropes, eh? Hah, uhm…

“So we’re taking him under wing to counteract his brainwash programming?” Robin asks.

“Something like that,” Batman responds.

Robin accepts the mission! Because he has no choice or Batman will beat him again. And while Robin is actually doing work, Batman’s going to actually rest. He’s actually going to rest! Something is totally off with this guy.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

Go grab your teddy bear then, bitch.

Robin skedaddles, leaving Batman alone to ascend 400 stairs. Stars flicker in front of eyes and he collapses halfway up. He will surely be pecked by crows until Alfred finds his decomposing bones.

At 9:15am the next morning, Jean-Paul Valley reports for duty! Lucius assigns him to Salvatore Fiorini who will show him the fake ropes. Robin’s gonna show him the real ropes behind Lucius’ back because… uh… *checks notes* Batman trusts Robin? That can’t be right.

Fiorini throws the kid a uniform and tells him to get all naked in the locker room. He’ll start by monitoring the photocopy machines, which is something they trained a monkey to do but the monkey has since retired. They need to keep an eye on them because some asshole stole and copied designs from the R and D department. Information is knowledge, and those damn commie reds aren’t going to get their hands on any more technology!

Anyway, Valley, the copiers won’t work without a key and you need to check every single goddamn thing that gets copied. If someone xeroxes their ass, you log it in the book! Signed authorization required! Red tape up the wazoo, kid! Bruce will launch your little dick into the Oort Cloud if he catches you fucking this one up!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

Captain Fancypants reporting for duty, sir!

Jean-Paul Valley’s uniform looks ten kinds of stupid. There’s even an oversized hat and everything. So while Valley does some bitchwork, Alfred does indeed discover Batman passed out on the steps. The face Alfred makes is something else entirely. It’s like he actually cares about this guy for unexplainable reasons. He even drops his tray of tea and scones! And when Batman claims that he’s tired, well, Alfred’s shock is tangible! I can feel the shock, and it’s the shock of a butler who cares about his master’s money so it would be great if he didn’t die any time soon because he still has eight more car payments.

At 5:32pm, Robin finally shows up to spy on the kid who is walking home from work in his shiny new duds. Somehow he beats the kid to his home, because it’s Tim Drake who sits in a chair waiting for Valley to walk through the door. “Ready for your night training, Az?” Tim says smirkingly. Valley is shocked, but open to the idea! But this little shit is just a kid! “I know I’m not experienced… which is why I expected the Batman to be the one who–”

Tim interrupts him with a tough guy attitude. He pulls open his purple button-down shirt to reveal – gasp! — his Robin uniform! BUH-WHUUUUT?!?! He throws thoroughly startled Valley a bag. It’s a training outfit, complete with a ball gag! Get it on, son!

Instead of sleeping like a smarty, Bruce sits on the floor in his underwear meditating like a dummy. He’s trying to discover his inner failings, why he’s losing his edge, and what he can do to get it back. He sees a black dot on a white background that turns into a box of blood and he snaps out of his trance in a cold sweat. “His heart jolts,” says the narration, “hammered by failure.”

lol

I was joking, but Valley’s new outfit does look like some BDSM shit. I think he’s supposed to be a ninja, but I’m still thinking about that whole autoerotic asphyxiation thing! Fifteen-layer kevlar sheathed in fire-resistant Nomex-four fabric, utility pods for tracking device, radio scanner, poison antidotes, food concentrates, three-minute air supply, fingerprint powder, mini-telescope, smoke pellets, and flotation pods! You’ll be dead after jerking off in no time! Let’s get it on!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

I KNEW it! High-tech masturbatory aids!

Rooftop surveillance is the name of the game tonight. They’re going to practice on a mope named Tony Chekko, a guy who works at WayneTech, who is luckily leaving his house as we speak. They follow him via rooftop hoppin’ and grapplin’ hookin’ until they get to an auto shop with motorcycles parked all over the place. Biker gang. Turns out that Tony was making copies of very sensitive material to sell to these bikers for blowjobs! They have a client who is paying a handsome sum for these prints and designs, but it’s getting harder already. “I told you there’s no way to smuggle the originals out… an’ now they’ve even got a friggin’ guard on the copy machines.”

Robin and Valley sneak to their roof to overhear Biker Gang Leader direct everyone to “their hogs”. They’re going to “do” something tonight like the “old days”. Robin and Valley will follow to see exactly what that might be (Yahtzee tournament). Batman suspects they’ve turned from drugs and guns to industrial secrets. They try to keep up with the hogs, but they’re too fast for these stupid children to follow adequately.

BUT, they assume that they’re headed to WayneTech. And, lo’ and behold, they find Tony Chekko banging on the door. “Yo, Frank – it’s me – Tony – lemme in! I forgot my jacket! My wallet’s in it!”

Frank opens the door and Tony greets him with a gun to the face. A cold cock to the mug sends Frank to the floor, and the gang infiltrates the facility looking for the originals in the office.

Robin instructs Valley to go fuck these guys up, but remember… “Batman never kills. Life is sacred to him. In his book, life even beats justice.” Valley is getting antsy hearing all this shit and just wants to go bust some heads. Robin gives him a stick to, you know, hit or poke the bad guys with. “What am I supposed to do?” Valley asks impatiently. “Smack the bullets?”

Pretty much, actually. What else are you going to do, take the bullets? Robin has a trusty slingshot. With this shit they won’t even take out the Little Rascals!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

Nothing to see here! We’re just CHUFFTing!

Turns out, Robin’s pretty good with a slingshot. He whips everyone’s guns out of their hands while Valley pokes with his pokin’ stick. They handly take out the bad guys, but Valley does some of that “I didn’t know I could do that” shit, like jumping a thousand feet in the air. Robin tells him that maybe some hypnosis will knock all that stuff out of his head. Here’s hoping. “As for this time, suicide run aside, you did good, man,” Robin congratulates him.

Valley is less than thrilled about the gratitude. How about more of a fucking celebration? “Good–? Just look at this carnage! If we gave each other half a chance, we’d make a good team…”

Robin looks a little teary-eyed. “Hnh — sounds like me talking to Batman.”

We end with Bruce calling up Tim’s doctor, Shondra Kinsolving. He wants to schedule a complete physical exam, finger up the rectum and all! He’s experience some extreme symptoms: fatigue… exhaustion… burn-out.

You don’t need a physical for that. Just go to fucking bed, idiot.

Final Thoughts

Like I’m supposed to give even one piddling little shit about Robin. Don’t you have Geography homework to work on? You have to hand in your paper on Nova Scotia tomorrow. Hahaha! Kids are stupid.


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