Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #43

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #43!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1) , Issue #43 [September, 1969]

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #43

”How Do You Spell That”

I don’t know what’s going on in the cover art and I don’t want to know.

An impossibly buff Alan M. is jogging down the street. Josie points out this luxurious hunk of beef to Melody, but Melody has already resigned to the fact that cunty Alexandra Cabot is driving up like a madwoman to steal Alan from under their noses. Let me point out at this time that Melody is wearing cutoff jeans that barely hide her vagina.

Alexandra hits about four mailboxes and a baby while waving for Alan’s attention. He doesn’t hear her, but he does say hi to Josie and Melody as he passes by. Ooooooh, that really steams Alexandra up but good! She drives beside him. “Hop into my luxurious car, Alan dear, and I’ll take you out of this depressed area with all its gamey little gamins!”

Nothing doing! Alan’s trying to run, idiot! Keep those legs in shape for the Biiiig Game! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!

Alexandra drives off menacingly, puffing exhaust into Josie and Melody’s faces, killing them instantly. The angry, rich little minx returns home to find her sunglassed brother poring over some sort of book on a fancy desk. “The big, beautiful dope would rather jog than ride with Alexandra Cabot!!” she shouts irately. Welcome to 1969, by the way. Alexandrea is wearing these waist-high pants with vertical green and black stripes. What the fuck was going on in the world?

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #43

Don’t let Roy Orbison shove you around like that, you mangy little rug you.

Well, her brother tells her to put a sock in it for a second. He wants to show her this fab book he found in the house somewhere, like the chimney or something. They have an ancestor named Sebastian, just like Alexandra’s cat! Isn’t that cool? No?! Why I outta!…

“Do you suppose there was some ghostly influence being exerted when I named Sebastian?” Alexandra asks while her feral-looking cat stares blankly ahead. Alexandra’s brother, whom I don’t know the name of goddamnit someone please say his name, tells her that it’s a funny coincidence that Old Sebastian was suspected of consorting with witches!

Oh good, his name is Alex. They are both named Alex. And the other guy is Alan. This is all a fantastic riot to keep straight. Anyway, Alexandra is taken aback! “That’s as silly as accusing this pretty little putticat of practicing black magic!” she says, holding up the tufty, scrawny, disease-ridden cat to her face. Alex fancies taking a trip to the west wing of their house. You know, to see President Josiah Bartlett! And then to see what Old Sebastian might have looked like! (He looked like shit)

They go through the catacombs of the west wing hallways, checking out portraits that date back centuries until they find what they’re looking for. And Alex’s eyes just about pop out of their sockets.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #43

Handsome eyeballs, sir. Tee hee. Do you enjoy playing at whist during the noon hour?

There’s an inscription on the globe that the Portrait Cat is sitting upon: “Streak of light through the darkest black, stroke my fur… I arch my back, warlock, witch or bottled genie, call me up with Eenie Meanie!” Alex looks like he frightened the poop right out of his tight-ass butthole while Alexandra laughs it up. Alex thinks the words are some sort of invocation and he just said them out loud! Oh no no no no no, eek! This is not going to be good! Or will it?… wait, no! No good! Or is it…?

“IT’S A MESSAGE TO YOU AND THIS EVIL FELINE!!” Alex hollers uncontrollably. I’d call the police at this point. “YOU’RE A WITCH!”

Or the sanitarium.

“Then how come I couldn’t get Alan M. in the car with me?” Alexandra asks indignantly, and she has a point. But Alex finds this whole scenario suddenly intriguing. “You might have powers you don’t know about!” he says, stroking his hairless chin. “Maybe with those words ‘Eenie Meanie’ you could cast spells, or disappear or something!”

Ok, buddy. Aren’t you supposed to be managing Josie’s band? Instead of, you know, being a crazed weirdo? He goads her into whipping up a spell, one that’ll put a delicious pie on the table. Do it, bitch.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #43

Can someone get these two virgins out of my line of sight, please.

Alexandra says the words and ain’t no pie showin’ up. “You’re a nut, Alex,” Alexandra says before picking up her wretched little pet and walking away, repeating the silly words she just said in derision. The pie shows up this time and splats all over Alex. Will we ever be able to witness the next chapter of this story??

”It’s a Snap”

Yes! The story continues with a new name! This is how we do it in Josie and the Pussycats. Alex surmises that picking up that cat and stroking it while saying the words is what caused the pie to appear this time. It all makes sense now! “Because HE is the incarnation of our witchy old UNCLE SEBASTIAN!!” He points an accusing finger at the cat. Alex looks one more shout in his direction away from a school shooting.

The pie didn’t end up on the table, though? No matter, try again!

“Eenie meanie, antique chair,” Alexandra points at her target. “Move from here to over there!”

The chair fucking whips through a window in the opposite direction. I assume it flew to Mars because neither of them make mention of it again. “I seem to be some sort of inaccurate witch!!” she observes astutely while they take an afternoon drive. But forget about that for now, she realizes that she can snag Alan M. with these crazy new powers. And Josie for Alex! “EEYAHOOO!” Alex yells while putting the pedal to the metal. Let’s win some hearts nonconsensually! Eeyahoo!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #43

Make us fall in love with him right now, sis!

“Let’s sharpen it up a bit first, by testing it on someone unimportant!” Alex says brainfully. Head fulla brains, they say about this guy. They single out Fat Sheldon, a guy so fat that “Fat” is his first name! “Eenie Meanie, it’s incredible, for Sheldon, nothing more is edible!”

Sheldon spits out his food. A success! Now he’ll die of starvation in two weeks time, good work team! Let’s work on those magic roofies for Josie now.

While Sheldon yells about how the thought of food upsets him, Melody walks by asking what’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong, dame! Ol’ Shelly here is going to lose a couple thousand pounds now, that’s all. Say high to the pretty lady, Sheldon. Thatta boy.

Melody thinks this is wild and then snaps her fingers at an idea she just had. Hypnotism! This finger-snapping causes Sheldon to run into the grocery store like he’s dying of not-having-gout. Not only that, but Alexandra’s cat starts arching his back and hissing and spitting and being a little dickhead in general. It was the dang finger-snapping, I tells ya! Sheldon’s gonna die of diabetes and the cat is scared, son! She’s a witch! *points at Melody* WITCH!

Melody snaps her fingers again, sending the cat into an even greater tizzy. “What’s with your cat? He seems to be in pain!” she observes while all sorts of comical stars and circles swirl over Sebastian’s head. Alex and Alexandra want to keep Melody away while they sink their dirty little claws into Josie and Alan M.

Melody snaps as she leaves, killing the cat and causing great distress for Alexanra. The funeral will be on Wednesday.

”Miscast”

The Horrible Cabot Siblings hide behind a tree as Josie walks by with Alan. Alexandra is going to turn the whore into a frog!

“Don’t you dare, you… you witch!”

“Why not?”

“Because then you’ll get Alan, but what will I have? A wet, slimy, wart-producing frog!!”

And how! Frogs are cool, man. They, like, can, uh, hop. Anyway, the siblings start fighting amongst themselves until Alexandra casts a spell to have a tree branch land on Alex. It misses, unfortunately, much to all of our collective chagrin. Alex dusts himself off and they continue their pursuit of Josie and Alan.

“Hah! Alan M.!” Alex says, finding him within seconds. “Big man on campus! Know what you are? A second rater is what you are!”

Alan M. has a very good comeback to this: “Oh?”

Alex pokes his poop-covered finger at Alan’s chest. “Alex Cabot can top Alan M. at anything, anytime.

Josie looks nonplussed. Looks like the challenge is going to be “jumping over a two-foot wall”, which Alan M. performs with ease, grace, poise, and sexual arousal. Josie looks pleased! Now it’s Alex’s turn, and he decides to try jumping over a seven-foot fence.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #43

By golly and jeepers, the nerd’s gonna get creamed!

Little does Alex know that Alexandra put the hex on him! Alex almost makes it, but his foot hits the top and he tumbles so hard that, for the first time in the whole comic, Alexandra has surprised, concerned eyebrows instead of mean, furrowed eyebrows! We, the audience, laugh at Alex’s untimely death, though.

Later, at home, Mr. Cabot walks around the house wearing his fat green goomba shirt with dollar signs all over it. “Alexandra!” he yells at his skunky daughter. “Something’s sent him round the bend! He thinks he’s related to your cat!!” They find the disheveled so-and-so snapping his fingers wildly at Sebastian, wondering how Melody did the hocus pocus, and we’ll return after a lengthy commercial break of sea monkey advertisements and a “Dear Josie” column where a girl writes in about wanting to fuck other boys in the class even though she’s already fucking her boyfriend. Josie tells her to stop flirting and basically calls her a ho.

“Heh, heh! Let’s see you ‘spell’ yourself out of this, you imp of Satan!” Alex cackles while he hides behind a tree. There is an awful lot of tree-hidin’ going on in this issue. Josie and Melody approach in the distance while Sebastian crosses the sidewalk right in front of Alex. He chucks a goddamned bowling ball at the cat, who jumps just in time. Josie and Melody don’t leave unscathed, though! They get knocked down like a couple’a pins! Josie cradles her possibly broken ankle while Alex leaps out and tries to apologize to the love of his life. “Josie! Josie baby! I’m sorry! It wasn’t my fault I–”

Then Alex trips and lands, with all of his 170 pounds, on Josie’s back with a sickening CRUNCH! Josie, now a paraplegic, lies dazed on the grass. Alex runs and gets some water. “In cases like this water always helps!” he says moments before tripping again and dousing Josie with 85 gallons of freezing cold water.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #43

Wet t-shirt night, baby!

Alex hollers at the cat, who has been standing aside as an innocent bystander during the whole ruckus. “That cat is a witch who works through his sister Alexandra!” he yells, pointing accusingly at the feline while Josie and Melody are too busy being critically injured to indulge in the sad little boy’s insane rantings. “They’ve been casting spells at me! It’s a double cross! That’s how come I rolled the bowling ball over your foot!”

Now Josie and Melody are scared, the kind of scared that young women are when some lunatic yells in their direction about being a nice guy who definitely won’t rape them harshly. “That’s how come I tripped and fell on you! That’s why I threw water in your face! It’s witchcraft!

Mr. Cabot comes out of the house, quite fatly I might add, wondering who’s yelling and why and whose vocal chords he has to stomp to make it go away. Alex yells at his pops about witchcraft and cats, and Mr. Cabot all but slaps the lad across his wet, pink mouth. “I was just talking to Alexandra on the phone! She’s downtown having her hair done!”

Alex makes a “brrrt!” face and starts yelling at the cat. Josie and Melody feel sorry for Alex instead of vowing never to talk to him again. No one lives happily ever after.

Final Thoughts

”Dear Josie, I’m a 13-year-old girl with scabies and none of the boys will even look at me anymore! Help!”

”Scabies?? Gross! Stay away from me, too! Love, Josie”


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 49: “A Storm in Tear”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Ailhuin the Tear Version of a Wisdom returns with a man who looks like Moe Howard. His name is Juilin Sandar and he’s a thief-taker extraordinaire! He is here to help them track down that troupe of Nasty Women for the three young Aes Sedai. For thirteen pieces of silver, Sandar will find thirteen women without being detected or even sexually harassed! Nynaeve describes each of the women in great detail, and Sandar, sharp as a tack, memorizes each one sight unseen. Nynaeve warns him that these women are dangerous, and Sandar says he will hunt these women down as if they were as dangerous as Aes Sedai or even Black Ajah. Egwene goes “eep!” How does this loser know about the dang Black Ajah? Sandar leaves while Ailhuin praises the dude’s thief-taking abilities. He’s been taking thieves since you were all on your mother’s teat, he has.

Later, when they have privacy, Egwene travels into Tel’aran’rhiod again to check out what’s going on there these days. While there lucid dreaming, she closes her eyes and envisions the Heart of the Stone of Tear. When she opens her eyes, she’s there with Callandor floating in the middle of the room. Liandrin is there in the room too, and she looks right at Egwene and smiles. This causes Egwene to wake up, something she hasn’t done on her own before. According the Elayne and Nynaeve, she was barely even asleep. Egwene takes this as a sign that Liandrin and her chums all know that the three young Aes Sedai are in Tear. So that sucks.

Meanwhile, Mat and Thom Merrilin are on their boat headed for Tear. As a heavy storm picks up, they arrive at their destination. Thom wants to find an inn as soon as possible, which Mat agrees to… then he’s heading out to search high and low for Comar the Jerk Who Was Sent Here To Kill Elayne and Oh Yeah the Other Two As Well. Even in the rain. Hacking and coughing already, Thom joins him in the search. They spend half the night ducking in and out of any inn they can find. After about thirteen hours, they stumble into an inn where Comar is cheating his opponents with loaded dice. Mat gets ballsy and plays him, and wins. Because he’s a lucky duck. Then Mat lays all the dice out on the table, so to speak! All like “I know you’re Comar, I know why you’re here, I know you’re hunting the three girls, and I’m going to fuck you up to kingdom come.” They fight and Mat breaks Comar’s back with his quarterstaff. Comar has just enough time to tell Mat that he isn’t the only one hunting the girls before he dies. Like this: *death rattle* *bluh*

Facing no consequences for murdering yet another man, Mat and Thom return to their inn to sleep. They spend the next three days looking for more inns to find the girls. They do not find the girls. Not yet.

Not yet.


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Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484 – “Warpaint”

* Part 2 of 14 of the Batman: Prelude to Knightfall event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484 – “Warpaint”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, we get a big fat Bane origin story! He grew up in a maximum security prison and learned how to hate everything and love himself and strive for power over everyone and everything. You know, like an asshole.

Once he learns about Gotham City, Bane’s obsession becomes about killing Batman. That’s all he wants to do now is kill Batman. So he meets Batman and tells him he’ll kill him some day.

And that’s pretty much it. Batman was like “get in line, pal” but we’ll see how shaken up he actually is about all this.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484 [September, 1992]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Warpaint”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484

Nighttime in Midtown Gotham, the time and location for every scene ever in any given Batman comic book. A couple of mooks in masks break into a jewelry store to steal “the goods” and burn the place down to the ground. Mook #2 sloshes gas all over the place and accidentally burns his mask when lighting the fire. What a mook. “Leave it!” says Mook #1. “We gotta get outta here!”

Sirens blare in the distance while the two run off. The flames in the jewelry store flicker quite beautifully! The owner of the store was across town at the time, he didn’t even hear about it until the next morning because nobody bothered to text him on his iPhone 15 Pro Max. And that man’s name… was Wayne Bruce! Eh, close enough.

Bruce spends the morning discussing the problem with Morgan Freeman’s own Lucius Fox. When he finally arrives on the scene, he’s mobbed by the press. “Mr Wayne!” here, and “Oh, Mr. Wayne!” there. Who started the fire? Well, it was always burning since the world’s been turning. Let’s just thank our lucky fucking stars that no one was hurt… except that guy. *points to burn victim*

Some broad named Vicki approaches Bruce. “It was hardly accidental, Bruce, and you know it.” Well, Bruce sort of knows it, but he’s in denial about it. For one thing, accidents happen! For another thing, this is Gotham City, baby! The safest city this side of the Mississippi!

Vicki thinks this whole operation stinks like fish. It’s almost as if someone just wanted to assault the building than to commit robbery or petty arson. Almost as if… gasp! Someone was trying to rake it in on the insurance!

Bruce is like “hey bitch, I’m rich.” Well, maybe it was Branston, the jeweler himself, looking to collect on the insurance for stolen merchandise. Bruce thinks that’s a crazy bananas theory! Anyway, wanna go to lunch and fuck in Bruce’s lavish manor, Vicki my fine lady? No? Ha! Next time then, baby.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484

Maybe the millionaire playboy should just hang it up and watch episodes of Law & Order all day. No one is making you fight crime, dingus.

“He feels suddenly fragmented, each side torn apart and distorted by the other. The synergy is no longer forming a perfect whole. And Bruce Wayne, he realizes, has already lost some of his edge…”

It’s hard being Batman by night and stinky smelly Bruce Wayne by day. Believe me, I’ve tried.

When nighttime falls again, Bruce feels better. The shadows invigorate him! Darkness is like a giant can of tasty, tasty Red Bull! So much adrenaline! So much… zzzzzz….

Whut! Wake up! There’s investigation to be done! Batman scopes out the jewelry store and discovers the mask among the wreckage. He takes it back to the Batcave for DNA analysis probably. Hopefully he’s not going to bone the mask. Bruce is a little frisky still after being turned down by Vicki. And that mask looks awfully tempting…

Meanwhile, at the Sionis Family Crypt in Ravenswood Cemetary (where the burgers are 33% off on Fridays), some raving lunatic jaws on about masks. He’s Black Mask, and he’s got a hundred masks just waiting for heads and faces! “I will make you rich!” he addresses the small audience in front of him. “In return, you must serve me in other ways – in matters not of loot but of vengeance. There is one who must pay for destroying my former identity… one who must died for giving birth to my new identity – for creating Black Mask.”

Black Mask is a salty boy for sure. He also looks like a lump of dark blue shit, so I’d be mad too if I was reduced to a lump of dark blue shit.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484

Hey man, you got Richard Nixon??

Black Mask stops a guy named Tattoo. He’s got a face fulla tattoos so he already wears a permanent mask. Back off.

The topic quickly switches to Tattoo’s prowess with a gun. He’s about to shoot up a Starbucks full of kids and get away in 11 seconds! Very good! But how is he without a gun? Better! And with a THAP and a CHUD, Tattoo punches a guy named Tupeng in the face and chin area. KRATCH! Nose broken. That’s grounds for demotion, loser! Tattoo is now Black Mask’s new lieutenant. There will be a pizza party in the breakroom shortly. Afterwards, wear your masks and be gone! *throws stink bomb* Fuck the cemetery! We’re going to to find some new headquarters. Better headquarters! A place without dead people everywhere, preferably.

Oh great, Robin is in this comic. Chris O’Donnell. Nobody cares. He enters the Batcave where Bruce is evaluating the mask. He tells Robin that this is the third building of his that has been burned down, causing Robin to go “Jiminy Jillikers!”

Spoke too soon! Lucius Fox calls up Bruce to tell him there’s been a fourth arson down at the ol’ Grayspire Building where they sell sausages and Legos. Fox is worried that the media connects all the dots, but Bruce tells his friend to calm down and shut the fuck up. It’s not like they can dodge publicity forever, you know what I mean? Look on the bright side: insurance payouts!

Fox reminds him that his insurance will be cancelled if all his buildings keep burning down. Plus, tenants are starting to bail out of the not-burned-down-yet buildings. Bruce analyzes the mask by throwing Pop Rocks and Pepsi on it.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484

It’s good to see that even Bruce Wayne can be convinced that fires are bad.

Fox tells Bruce that Commissioner Gordon will try to do what he can to mitigate this whole issue, but don’t expect much. Budget cuts have reduced him to a barrel with suspenders. Even better than Gordon is that they hired more building security! Now there’s a concept!

Bruce has determined that the mask is made of latex! Robin is now tasked with investigating every company that makes or sells latex. lol. In about two minutes and twenty seconds, Robin connects the mask to Hollywood and their movie studios. Cool lead, bro. Let me know when you swing 2,500 miles to Los Angeles.

Alfred – who fucks, by the way – tells Bruce that the Batsignal has been spotted in the Eastern Seaboard. Put on your MASK, as it were, and hightail it to Police HQ. There will be a Salisbury steak waiting for you when you get home.

Batman and Robin hit the town! They meet up with Gordon, who looks buff and burly today. Batman has been thinking about connecting the arsons to recently escaped Arkham inmates and has determined that a man named Roman Sionis fits the bill to both light fires and have masks. Also, he murdered a bunch of Wayne Foundation directors. Also, he tried to murder Bruce Wayne. He’s a no-good, dirty, rotten scoundrel! And we’re gonna get ‘im!

A woman named Sarah comes out to talk to Gordon about his relationship with Batman. She doesn’t approve! He argues with her, but Sarah’s not having it! Not tonight, Jim! Not tonight! “Maybe I just resent him… for more personal reasons,” she says. You see, she thinks Jim Gordon is strong and tough and full of Wheaties and that Batman is a horrible influence on him.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484

Now let’s put this unpleasantness behind us and visit Wayne Manor. I hear Alfred Pennyworth makes a mean Salisbury steak!

“So who is this Roman Sionis anyway?” asks Robin as the Batmobile streaks across the road.

“A bad man, Robin,” Batman responds, talking to Robin like he’s eight years old. And rightfully so. “Who destroyed himself to be reborn as something much worse.”

Batman goes over Sionis’ whole life story. He came from a rich family. His parents were friends with Bruce’s parents. He was always a weird kid. His parents died in a very suspicious fire when he was a young adult, and he inherited everything including a cosmetics company. He ruined the cosmetics company with a shitty idea. He also spent almost all his money on masks, if you can believe it! Then he started selling waterproof makeup that wasn’t properly tested, resulting in nothing but lawsuits, lawsuits, lawsuits! A total fucking loser, this kid.

The Wayne Foundation bailed him out with the caveat that a new foundation-approved board of directors would be appointed. Then his girlfriend, Circe, left him. Then he carved a mask out of his father’s casket, if you can believe it! Now he’s fully branded as Black Mask and he’s got one hell of a vendetta against the Wayne Foundation even though they literally bailed him out. Really makes you think.

Black Mask started killing some enemies via waterproof makeup on masks and then the guys wear the masks and then their faces get horribly burned. Grisly and poetic. Or something to that effect.

One day, Black Mask decided to burn down the ol’ Sionis Estate for funsies. He was just about to run into the estate to kill himself, but then Batman saved him. In all the merriment, Black Mask’s mask was burned to his face permanently. Then he was sent to Arkham where he escaped 45 minutes later. And now he’s back to seek his ReeeEEeeEeeEeeevenge!

While Batman jabberjaws about shit that’s literally for Robin’s benefit and nobody else’s, Black Mask’s cronies are sweeping the city looking for recruits.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484

She’ll put a hex on you, or cough on you or something. Beware!

They find Circe, who is deformed by acid makeup, and tell her it’s time to say high to Black Mask again. They outfit her with a mask that sort of looks like her old pretty face. Sort of. Then they find a guy interested in joining up; he gets a skull mask. This is like that one Zelda game! You know, the one that sucks!

Time to get initiated into the False Face Society, new guy. Or FFS, as the kids say. Initiation is basically just “burn down this building over here.” And with a SLSH and a SPSH he dumps gasoline all over the floor. And with a PLUFT, Batman and Robin enter the building. Yes, that’s right, I said “PLUFT”. Fight me about it.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484

Go SWUKK yourself, buddy.

Batman tells Robin to inform Alfred and Lucius Fox that Wayne Industries is hiring from the wrong security agency, apparently. Meanwhile, Bruce will dress up as a the new Skullhead Guy in order to assuage Black Mask’s discontent with the situation. “I’m a fairly big man – as big as the Batman,” Bruce tells him as Skullheadface. That’ll do it.

Oh, whoops, Black Mask has taken Lucius Fox as a hostage. Black Mask has decided to declare war, and he has the cahones to prove it!

And here they are! *whips open trench coat*

Final Thoughts

Oh snap, this isn’t about Bane! This isn’t about Bane at all! Black Mask sounds like a shitty villain, though, and I look forward to his inevitable downfall. And by that I mean down he will fall. Into a well.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 48: “Following the Craft”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne finally arrive at Tear. They’ve been seasick the whole time. So much vomit. But finally, dry land! The first thing Egwene notices is the huge mountain-like construction of the Stone of Tear. Egwene and Elayne discuss the Stone, but Nynaeve tells them both to shut up to avoid being conspicuous.

To find Liandrin, Elayne thinks hiring a thief-taker like Hurin is a good idea. For now, the women look for a place to stay that’s not an inn. You know. Inconspicuousness. Eventually, they come across a little house in the city with Wisdom-like herbs out front and Nyneave is like “hell yeah, this is the place”. The house is owned by Mother Guenna, a Tear version of a Wisdom. She invites them in.

After Nynaeve and Guenna spend many minutes quizzing each other tumultuously about herbs, Egwene snaps at Nynaeve to shut it. Mother Guenna’s name is Ailhuin, and Nynaeve asks her for a room for the night. Ailhuin has not one, not two, but three, count ’em three spare rooms, but the caveat is that she needs to hear a really good reason why they want to stay at her place. Nynaeve answers half-truthfully: they are chasing down murderous, dangerous women. They’re Darkfriends. Ailhuin sympathizes and will help by bringing in a thief-taker named Juilin Sandar. He’ll set bear traps and such.

Egwene lets it slip that Nynaeve is learning the manipulation tactics of an Aes Sedai like Moiraine. Elayne slaps her smile right off her fucking face and says “look, bitch, don’t let Ailhuin hear anything or else she might blab blab blab and we’ll be dead. Fool.”

Egwene is like “fine.”

And I’m like “cool.”


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 47: “To Race the Shadow”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

With his business finished, Mat is led out of the Palace by Tallanvor. On his way out, Tallanvor gives the original guard shit for not letting in a young man who had an OFFICIAL SEALED ENVELOPE FROM THE DAUGHTER-HEIR. Tallanvor, when they’re alone, leans… in… real… close… and asks Mat if he knows about Sheriam. Mat doesn’t. Tallanvor gets weird and wistful about it, like he fucked Sheriam in a past life, then lets Mat go about his day.

Back at the library of the Queen’s Blessing, Gill and Thom are still playing their 10-hour game of stones. TIME TO GO, GENTLEMEN. Mat’s outta this popsicle stand. Thom asks what the hurry is, they just got here. Mat ignores him and asks Gill about Gaebril. There’s a lot of boring stuff about Gaebril, mostly that he sucks and looks like Jon Hamm. He showed up while Morgase was in Tar Valon, and she was so happy with how he handled things that she made him her advisor. But what’s his angle? Can’t be a ruling king, there ain’t no ruling kings in Andor. Only women can rule. Hmm…

Mat spills the beans about Gaebril’s plan to kill Elayne. And also Egwene and Nynaeve, sort of, as an afterthought. Thom suggests spreading a “rumor” and let the whole city know within a couple of days. Gill is down for that, he’s good at hiding and being the patient zero of rumors.

Thom is tired and wants Mat to wait until the next morning to leave for Tear, but Mat doesn’t want to wait. So Thom’s like “I guess being in Caemlyn longer than I have to might get me killed”. They plan on moving on to Aringill and catching a ship to Tear from there.

And the adventure continues. Yawn.


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