Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

* Part 4 of 6 of the Batman and the Monster Men limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Bruce continues to be a flake in his “relationship” with Julie. As Batman, he discovers that a Maroni poker game massacre may lead to Professor Hugo Strange as a person of interest and pays a visit to his super-secret warehouse lab. He gets thrown into a cell with three giant genetically-engineering monster men! How’s he going to get out of this doozy of a pickle, you ask? Do the words “foxishly cunning” mean anything to you?

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4 [April, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 4)”

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

Batman is bleeding profusely in the face, but he fears not. For you see, the three giant monster men? Small potatoes! He can beat these guys up even after cutting off all of his limbs with a rusty chainsaw! Take that! Who’s the victim now?

“The creatures are surprisingly swift for their size,” Batman thinks as he throws many batarangs. One goes right in a fucker’s eye, jesus. Ouch to the max, sir. “But like any giant, their joints most likely suffer from excess stress.”

Batman kicks knees and wraps rope around legs and, generally, is a huge nuisance. “Remarkable,” says Strange, watching the footage from the comfort of his… bar. “His every action… as sleek and swift as an Olympic athlete.”

Strange keeps blowjobbin’ Batman while the monster men try to make short work of the poor sap. They fail. Strange gets more and more worked up and aroused. “He is… magnificent!”

One monster man lifts Batman by the cape, nearly choking him to death. To death! TO DEATH!! But then the cape tears off in the beast’s hands. Another rips off his utility belt. The third one pantses him and nibbles his penis delicately. “Distracted by each other and their handfuls of trinkets… the creatures relax their grip just enough. Lucky my hip wasn’t dislocated. Lucky my kneecap didn’t shatter.” Uh huh, this is all very exciting, isn’t it? Batman’s gonna die and none of us care! Let’s get back to our Super Smash Bros. Melee game. It’s been on pause for six hours now!

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

Looks like the cover of Big Black’s Songs About Fucking to me.

While Batman is getting his ass handed to him, Norman Madison takes a swig of very strong scotch. He’s so damn drunk that he slurs his words to his lovely daughter. Like “isssshhh that yeerrr BOOOOBS? YERRR GOIANG OUT DRESHED LIEK THAHT!?!” Julie is having a girl’s night out since Bruce is a dick and won’t even return her calls. “Don’t wait up for me, okay?” she says, kissing her lush of a dad on the cheek. Julie wonders why her dad seems preoccupied. All the men in her life seem preoccupied. It sucks.

Norman, once again, wonders out loud of this Bruce fella is good enough for his daughter. And Julie is like “tee hee, he’s rich and handsome” and leaves it at that. Julie walks out, leaving Norman to stare wistfully out his penthouse suite window, looking like someone’s going to snipe his face at any second JFK-style.

So Batman is still beating up big, drooling, hairy giants, right? They smell like feces and things are sort of not going well all of a sudden. His ribs keep cracking one by one, which is going to concern Alfred later while Bruce decides to go jogging at 4am without medical attention.

Batman chains one by the neck and ties the other end to a sewer grate. Eventually, the giant pulls the grate out of the floor with a SKRONK, leaving a convenient escape for Batman right there for the taking!

The giants are perplexed.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

WHERE’D DA BAT GO?? GRUNT RRGNNH WHERE DA BAT? HRRRNN FAAART

Strange watched the whole thing from the comfort of his… dad’s bed. “He escaped! He escaped using only a pair of handcuffs!” He’s positively salivating at this. It’s quite pathetic. “Just imagine what one could do with the DNA of such a man!”

Batman lands in the stinky sewer water, and it smells like home. Strange has created some ungodly beasties; what would possess a man to do such a thing? Power? Greed? Bravery? Cunning? Hunger? Sexual desire? “And what wicked lengths will he go before he is stopped?”

Strange enters the room and inspects Batman’s trinkets and baubles littered around the floor. He picks up the utility belt and discovers no firearms. Just silent weapons, detection equipment, emergency aids, and boner pills. He picks up the cape and smiles fiendishly. An idea he has, that’s for darn sure!

Later, Bruce has another stupid dream about his dead parents before Julie wakes him up. What she’s doing there is this: surprise! Just checking up on you. I got to your room through the secret trap door from the Batcave that I discovered while digging giant holes on your property! Isn’t that funny?? Haa haa hoo hoo ha.

Anyway, Bruce is completely floored that this woman was able to find her way in the manor, let alone his bedroom, without Alfred’s assistance. Julie tells him to shush and it doesn’t matter, so stop nagging. She draws the curtains and discovers that Bruce is covered in about a hundred bandaids and large squares of gauze. “It, uh… it looks a lot worse than it feels!” he says unconvincingly. She demands to know what happened and he won’t tell her. “I, um… took a spill playing polo. My pony dragged me around for a bit.”

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

A shrewd one, this girl. Too bad I’m going to have to kill her now.

Julie is very concerned, but Bruce tells her to lay the fuck off. He’s a big boy and he can take care of himself, is all. He grits his teeth and looks mean as hell. “Julie, I’m… sorry. It’s… been so long since I’ve had someone actually worry about me… I guess I’m just out of practice.”

“Have I let her get too close to my dark and violent world?” Bruce thinks as he waves goodbye to his concerned barely-girlfriend. “The war has suddenly grown so bizarre. Yet still remains heedless of what victims it claims.”

Very poetic, dingus. Write it in your diary next time, I don’t want to read that hooey.

Professor Strange, meanwhile, plays with his beakers and his Bunsen burners. He found a single drop of blood on Batman’s cape and now he’s playing with his various strange liquids. Outside, Strange’s assistant Sanjay has a gun to his face. You see, Strange has been delinquent on paying back his loans without dirty money, so a couple of Maroni’s goons are here to settle the score. One guy shoots one of Strange’s stasis tubes containing some poor floating sucker. “So just consider this a warning… there better be no more ‘unusual events’ around the time of your next payment.”

After, for some reason, letting Strange know that Maroni is nowhere to be found at the moment, they walk away leaving Strange seething and no longer horny. “Follow them again, Sanjay. See if you can discover what rat-hole Maroni has crawled into. I believe our association with Sal Maroni has reached the end of its benefits.”

And guess who turned the tables? In the Batcave, it is now Bruce who is spying on Strange. And he just saw this whole thing! Time to take action!

Final Thoughts

Batman needs to stick this guy’s head in the toilet. He’s been asking for it since day one and a swirlie is just what the doctor ordered. And that doctor’s name was Dr. Scholl’s. His feet stink too, is what I’m saying.


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Jane’s Journey, Chapter 7 – The Motivations of Tahir

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In Ironsworn, you are a hero sworn to undertake perilous quests in the dark fantasy setting of the Ironlands. You will explore untracked wilds, fight desperate battles, forge bonds with isolated communities, and reveal the secrets of this harsh land. Most importantly, you will swear iron vows and see them fulfilled—no matter the cost.

I knew the path to Foxhovel wouldn’t be as treacherous as the one to Winterwood, but what I didn’t expect was a litany of branching paths. It seemed that every time I came across a fork in the road there was no signpost to point me in the correct direction. The sun was high enough in the sky to not be much help as a compass, and I was sure I had been turned around. “At least there have been no wolves,” I said gloomily. Hirsham could be dead for all I was aware. This excursion to Foxhovel was a miserable idea. I am not meant to go on adventures! I am meant to sit in my chamber and eat grapes while my servants folded my lacey garments.

I pushed the thought out of my head. I tried not to imagine Hirsham killed and pressed on. I tried not to become discouraged by the labyrinthian woods that I found myself lost within and did my best to keep my bearings straight.

Eventually, I encountered a wandering man moving in my direction. Keeping my guard up, bow ready at a moment’s notice, I approached the man. He was wearing commonfolk clothing and seemed to moving with purpose. “Excuse me, sir?” I hazarded. The man looked friendly enough. “I am Lady Jane of Wolfspire, and I am on a quest to find Foxhovel. Would you perhaps have the knowledge of these twisting paths to be able to lead me the correct way?”

The man eyed my sack. “Lady Jane of Wolfspire, eh? Why, I know the lay of the land in these woods as if they were the veins on the back of hand, I do! But, lady, I am quite hungry due to my long, arduous travels. Might you spare some food and water?”

I rummaged through what little I had in my sack. In my haste to get out of Wolfspire I did not think to replenish my food supply. “Er… yes, of course.” I pulled out a waterskin and a little cloth wrap of berries. “I can’t spare much, but I can—”

The man extended a hand to accept the food and water. “No coin, eh? Never mind, coin doesn’t take you far here in the Ironlands. Still, my favorite pub in Foxhovel won’t say no to a few coppers.” He pointed behind his back. “Right. Left. Left. Right. That’s all, m’lady. Thank you for the… well, thank you all the same.” The man gave a little bow that was steeped in sarcasm and continued going in the direction from whence I came. Slightly perturbed by the man’s attitude, I made note of his directions and pressed on myself.

Right. Left. Left. Right. No signposts at any fork. This leg of my trip took about 45 minutes until I reached a fork that took me either straight or right, which was not what I was expecting based on the man’s directions. One quick look at the signpost and my stomach sank down to my knees. The path to Foxhovel was pointing in the opposite direction. Straight was Wolfspire. To the right was Frosthaven. My fury was palpable. Did this man mislead me on purpose?

I pitched a tent and rested off the path a way. It was relaxing enough, but I found no food and no opportunity to resupply. The night was drawing near and I started feeling like I lacked good sense trying to run to Foxhovel alone so close to nightfall. I bolstered myself and started to head in the direction toward Foxhovel, but soon a frightful storm passed over me. Curse this tumultuous Tempest Hills weather! I did an about-face in a massive huff and set off toward Wolfspire. I was going to get a proper night’s sleep and clear my head. This was clearly a sign that I was too hasty. Perhaps I can try to gather more information while I’m home; I don’t even know how big Foxhovel is or where I can even find this Tahir in the first place. I embarked myself on a fool’s errand to be sure.

I awoke after a night’s sleep to a tense atmosphere. Hirsham’s disappearance had rung through the village and more people had been taken into the healer’s quarters with the Sickness. No one available to tend to their needs. I began to wonder if Hirsham had let his guard down completely knowing that he needed some assistance, any assistance, and Tahir — whomever he was — took advantage of the situation. But why?

Quest #3
Investigate the Motivations of Tahir

I felt much more alert today, even ambitious. With so much daylight ahead of me, another attempt to reach Foxhovel didn’t sound completely asinine. I supplied up and, with determination, started again down the path beyond the southwest gates. Hirsham may not even be there any longer, a thought that has entered my head many times always, but I had to try. What else could I do?

With the sun low in the eastern sky I had much more control over my bearings. I checked the sun with each fork in the path and felt confident with every choice. At one point in my trip I saw a man walking ahead of me at a slower pace. I quickened my own pace and caught up with him. “Hey! Traveler!” I yelled ahead of me. I had my suspicions.

The man turned around and caught my eye. “Aha, Lady Joan, was it? Do you have anymore dried fruit and tepid water you could spare?” he said snidely. I was balling my fists so tightly that my knuckles turned white. So he had misled me. All because of my bare-bones supply. “It’s Jane,” I said with conviction before drawing an arrow from my quiver. I pointed my bow in his direction. “And you’re going to tell me if I’m on the right track to Foxhovel or this breath will be your final.”

He held his arms up, but an air of stubbornness was betrayed by his smirk. “Put down the bow, Lady Jane. Nobility such as yourself shouldn’t be carrying something so dangerous. Especially female nobility, if that’s what you purport to be.”

That’s when I shot him squarely on the foot. He yelped and rolled on the ground in pain while I nocked another arrow. “Do you think I am playing, sir? Do you like both of your feet?” I made a motion toward his uninjured foot, and he cried for me to stop. “I have a village full of sick people and my healer is missing. He may be in Foxhovel and I need to find him before the Sickness spreads and everybody dies. Do you understand me?”

The wanderer nodded his head vigorously, still gripping his hurt foot. “Damn it! Yes, fine! You are on the right path, I promise you!” He continued wincing and panting while I wondered if I had shot the arrow clean through. “Gah! Just… please…”

I threw the man a little pouch of poultice. “For your trouble.” And I left him sitting there injured on the path. I wasn’t going to be pushed around by anyone. This is who I am now. I am Ironsworn.

It wasn’t long before I could see a little village in the distance. With rejuvenated energy, I increased my pace and traveled the final length to Foxhovel.

Click here for all the boring game-related notes! On second thought, don’t bother!

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Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Skull & Bones”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Red Shadow storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Skull & Bones”! In the previous installment, Captain America sorta kinda not really convinces Wolverine that Havok may very well be the best face for the Avengers/X-Men liaison now that Chuck Palahniuk Xavier is dead as a crippled doornail. Meanwhile, Red Skull seduces Scarlet Witch into a plan to genocide around with all the mutants on the planet again. Like an asshole. And now that the brain of Charles Nelson Reilly Xavier has been fused into Red Skull, well, shit’s going to get grim. And now he has all of Xavier’s passwords and sexual fetishes, so thinks are going to get kinky real quick.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [March, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender
“Skull & Bones”

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3

“Citizens, fellow human beings, I implore you – WAKE UP!” Red Skull stands on a platform and hypnotizes a crowd in the middle of Manhattan. “You walk by this monument of death and it suffocates your hearts. It fills you with a terrible fear. Who among us will be next? There can be no safety living among the creatures that bring down buildings without warning. But what can we do? What is the solution?”

“YOU are the solution,” he continues. “You are the chemotherapy needed to eradicate this cancer growing in our midst!”

*burp*

This Nazi rambles on about mutants being vermin and they’ll keep attack humans until all the humans are dead. You’ve seen Wolverine, right? He’s all like “grrrrrr” and that can’t be good for our people!

“A puddle of water glimmers and flashes to life, transformed into a portal by Dancing Water. Her deceptive beauty standing in stark contrast to the corrosive hatred that has long since encompassed her soul.”

Dancing Water introduces her gaggle of mutant rejects to the people. The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, as it were. Scarlet Witch is among them, looking drugged and disoriented. Rogue stands next to her, looking disoriented and drugged! They lazily introduce themselves, monotonously vow to end the threat to humans, and laboriously poop themselves.

Red Skull is like “YES! YES!”

The crowd starts rioting, all riled up and motivated! People who seem suspicious are getting killed on the spot. Mothers of three. Cops, man. Far out.

In come the Avengers to either straighten things out or make things worse! The latter is almost always true, as I’ve come to find out after reading hundreds of comic books.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3

This attack will teach you that mutants aren’t here to attack anyone!

“We need to find any mutants we can and get them to safety!” says Havok. “Split up – stay in contact. We’ll regroup when more help arrives to–”

“Split?” interrupts Captain America, undermining Havok’s authority like a jerkbag. “Alex, until we know more–”

“You wanted me leading – I’m leading.”

Unrest among the good guys! This surely bodes well! Havok tells him to go be Captain America and shut the fuck up. And he tells Wolvering to go be Wolverine, and I’m surprised that Wolverine doesn’t even argue. He just goes “SNIKT”. Classic.

Red Skull still stands among carnage and fire hollerin’ about Final Solutions and armbands and concentration camps and unfashionable toothbrush mustaches. A crackling in the sky signals the arrival of Thor, He Whom Has Da Hammer, and his mighty bolts of lightning.

“The bolt disrupts the Skull’s electrodes, momentarily removing Xavier’s gifts…”

Scarlet Witch and Rogue snap out of it for a hot second. Hot enough of a second to react by putting up their feeble dukes! Thor throws his hammer at point-blank range and misses Red Skull completely. Whoops! Thor gets tackled by the turtle guy. Mzee, I think he’s called. They smash through the front window of a deli, ruining the owners’ business and sending them back to Sicily penniless.

Mzee is like “YOU’RE NO MUTANT, I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT YOU!” but Thor is like “Fight me anyway, bitch.” So the bitch fights: “I am Mzee! Made inflexible by the gravity of the true soul! I am the impossible strength!” he says before getting a face full of Mjolnir. He bleeds all over it, which is rude. Then Mzee crashes to the ground.

Some dude behind Thor introduces himself as “Honest John”, which is hella suspicious, and welcomes Thor to be his friend and/or show him things in a new light. It’s a weird, unsettling panel, and I think we shall talk no more about Honest John!

Meanwhile, the pressure to be a stinky bigot is too much for Captain America.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3

While we’re doing what’s best for America, I have a list here of about 900 politicians that could do with a little bit of *click click* assassination. You dig?

Eventually, miraculously, Captain America snaps out of his true subconscious desires for mutant eradication and goes “NO!”

“Skull’s hatred finds no grip on his noble heart,” says the narration even though we just saw Captain America almost easily succumb to his evil thoughts! Say what you will about Captain America, but I think he’s a no-good S.O.B.!

Mutants continue to get cornered and beaten to the death. Some of them don’t get killed. Havok recognizes that most in the crowd are not in the right minds, being hypnotized by Big Xavier Brain and all. Havok saves a woman before getting reprimanded by Cap.

“You are no Avenger! The crowd here is subdued – once this woman is seen to safety, I want you gone, Summers. YOUR SHOWBOATING ALMOST GOT THAT GIRL KILLED! Just another mutant sob story doing things your own haphazard way! Reckless like your brother! Worse still – incompetent!”

This is the coolest that Captain America has ever been, but of course Havok has to literally slap some sense into this guy and remind him that he’s being a jerk because of Red Skull’s mental hold on everyone. *slap slap punch*

“Let’s see some of that famous strength of will because there are people’s lives on the line,” retorts Havok. Also, fuck you Cap. Havok can rip your butthole into teeny tiny pieces.

Wolverine is trying to beat up some sort of bug, but ends up getting a face injection of fatal toxin! The toxin makes Wolverine see that it’s not a good idea to beat up evil mutants and it is instead a good idea to help rid the world of all mutants and also kill himself afterward.

Scarlet Witch enchants a fire hydrant. An outlet pops off and hits the bug. It’s a stupid panel. Just punch him in the face next time. The sound of the outlet hitting the bug goes “TWUNGG” though, which I rather like.

Once Wolverine snaps out of it, Scarlet Witch and Rogue inform him that Red Skull stole Charles Xavier’s brain and chewed on it for a bit to attain its incredible power. Wolverine makes his scary “grrrrrr” face. He even drools a bit, which either enhances or ruins the effect greatly and I’ll let you decide.

Wolverine is so mad he doesn’t even know which direction to go! Both Scarlet Witch and Rogue go “gross”.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3

RAWR!! SNARL!!

“We’re well past the ‘make a plan’ phase,” Rogue observes as all the men get too emotional. Thor, even. He’s “lost in the syrupy power slogans of Honest John, the Living Propaganda”. And what did I say about talking more about Honest John?! Now I’m getting emotional!!

“You are very simply on the wrong side of the greatest struggle of our time. We fight the darkness that comes for all mankind,” says John of Honesty. From Thor’s point of view he sees his dear old dad Odin. His ideal leader. The guy he’s been trying to unsuccessfully please his whole life. “Odin” tells him that Red Skull must be aided at all cost! “Asgard will stand on the right side of history!”

Red Skull puts a hand on Thor’s shoulder. He likes a nice, blond, blue-eyed, rugged, alpha male! *growls seductively*

Wolverine leaps down silently from the sky. He would have killed Red Skull if it weren’t for Charles Xavier’s ugly brain and its ugly powers.

He cuts off Red Skull’s jerkin’ hand, though. At least that’s something.

Wolverine still means to kill this guy for obvious reasons (he’s being bad), but Red Skull turns Wolverine’s attention to the Goat-Faced Girl. Her gaze negates the X-gene, so as long as Wolverine stares lovingly in its eyes he won’t have the power to SNIKT!

While Wolverine is entranced, Thor smashes his skull in with his hammer.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Hey, I feel personally attacked here!

“To a psychopath, domination is the closest sensation to love. Though it is much greater. Its intensity all-consuming. Five minutes after his arrival, the city lay naked before him. Submissive and adoring. Tonight, for the first time since his return, he was happy. The Red Skull had fallen in love with New York.”

*burp*

Final Thoughts

Boy, those Avengers sure do suck ass at everything, don’t they? Can’t work together without fighting, can’t work individually without getting creamed. Maybe they should just stay out of the way and make room for some real heroes like Batman and Really Really Big Man.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 38: “Maidens of the Spear”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

The figure who dang ol’ popped out from the bush is some really hot Aiel woman who looks like she could be Rand’s cousin, which eventually endears Egwene to her. At first, though, she’s on guard knowing that women can be absolute cunts about town. The woman is named Aviendha, an Aiel woman, a Maiden of the Spear. She recognizes the three young women as Aes Sedai by their rings.

Two more Aiel pop out of nowhere: Bain and Chiad. They have all approached the Aes Sedai to help Heal one of their wounded. Nynaeve says she’ll help, but she’ll make no promises. The Aiel lead the way. Elayne introduces herself as an Andoran, which Egwene is like “shut… up…” about because of the Aiel War, but Aviendha doesn’t seem to care.

There’s a whole bunch of shit about first-sisters (regular sisters) and second-sisters (cousins) and Aiel clans and how Maidens of the Spear don’t wed unless they wanna but not really and how Egwene and Elayne can share the same man if they want (Rand) and none of this seems important.

They arrive at the location of the hurt Aiel named Dailin. She is watched over by one named Jolien. Dailin got shivved by a sword from a guy who thought the Aielwomen were bandits. Nynaeve collects her assortment of healing herbs and spices and starts her work, muttering to herself and getting all mad about the swording. After a lot of yelling and snapping, the Aiel are guarded and ask if Nynaeve is angry. Elayne and Egwene tell them that Angry Nynaeve is the Best Nynaeve. After making a liquid for Dailin to drink, Nynaeve does some incredibly complicated Aes Sedai magic and Heals the absolutely Fuck out of her. Egwene describes what she saw as “weaving four carpets at once while blindfolded”. There is no wound, not even a scar. Nynaeve urges Dailin’s friends to get her some food.

Speaking of food, there’s a box of Cheez-Its calling my name!


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Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3

* Part 3 of 6 of the Batman and the Monster Men limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, a dismembered woman’s corpse is discovered outside the sewer, and Batman does a little explorin’ to find the source. Every night Bruce Wayne makes plans with Julie, and every night he breaks them, forcing Norman Madison to believe that the millionaire playboy is sticking his dick into other ladyfriends. Speaking of Norman, he gets a loan from Maroni again and he’s not going to be able to pay him back, methinks.

Hugo Strange has stolen a drooling vegetable from Arkham Asylum and created a Monster Man out of him! He uses his new friend to bust up Maroni’s card game downtown, so let’s rejoin the action, shall we?

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3 [February, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 3)”

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3

Cover art shows Batman in prison. Maybe Bruce Wayne embezzled his millions? Or maybe Batman stepped on all the wrong necks.

Our (Bat)man of the hour investigates the busted-up poker game. Not only is there BEER spilled on the CARDS, but there are very deep gouges in the carpet that could only come from talon marks.

Oh yeah, there’s a bunch of dead people in the room, too. Dismembered bodies and sad, dead faces. Batman frowns pensively. “This was no massacre. It was a feeding frenzy.”

Batman was supposed to shake down Richie, Maroni’s enforcer. But someone beat him to it. Someone Monstrous and Manly. He finds another tuft of hair near one of the bodies and then calls up Jimmy Jam Gordon to relay the news.

Elsewhere, Hugo Strange stands across from Maroni’s desk. Two fat stacks of bills sit in front of him, and Maroni is impressed! Repayment so quickly! He thought it was going to be at least seventeen years and two broken elbows later! “So…where’d you find this sudden windfall?” he asks. But all Strange wants to talk about is Richie Pantone. Richie this and Richie that. He was expecting Richie to show up to collect the money from him, but he never showed up! That’s why Strange is doing it in person. Maroni finds these details bo-o-o-o-o-ring and becomes quite suspicious of the little, bald, bespectacled man. Why wouldn’t he be? The little turd keeps deflecting the question.

“All that need concern you is the fact that my initial obligations have been met.” Strange dons his stylish hat and winks at the camera. “Exactly how I manage to do that is my business.” Maroni finds this reasonable enough, and Strange takes his leave. This meeting really encroached upon his jerking-off time, so he’ll get right back to it.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3

Long story short, I sold my supple body out on the streets. Are you happy?

“Maroni has a notorious temper,” Batman says as he scales a tall-ass building. “It’s rumored he once killed a man with a ball-peen hammer simply for splashing mud on his new Italian loafers.” Yeah, and that man’s name was Macaulay Culkin. Batman spies on an associate entering Maroni’s building, and it’s not the usual flavor. Time to investigate further! *Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass* *takes photo of license plate on car* *eats photo*

Later, while Maroni tosses and turns in his bed, Batman pays him a little 3am visit. It’s “wakey wakey sleepyhead” for about three seconds before Batman grabs his throat and demands to know who was responsible for the Card Game Massacre of 1987. “Geez! Wish I knew! I’d dance on his face with an ice pick! There’s no reason. No motive…”

But wait, sir! The money! Card games have money and people like stealing money. You fucking idiot. Once it clicks, Maroni gets mad. “Strange!” he yells. And Batman misunderstands. “What is strange?” he says. And to this, Maroni’s like “uhhhh, heh heh, uhh, ‘strange’ that he didn’t think of it sooner.”

Batman eyes the guy with his stony stare, but realizes that Maroni indeed has no goddamned idea that it was going to happen. He thought it was some turf war shit. “…I mean, what kinda animal tears up people like that over money? Geez, they said Richie’s entire stomach was ripped out!”

Satisfied, Batman leaves out the window and warns Maroni to watch his nuts. The license plate is from a car that belongs to Hugo Strange, some little asswipe who was raised in an orphanage near Crime Alley and got his tenure suspended at Gotham State University. Sounds like a real winner.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3

Are you sure? Because I don’t recall her figuring out a single thing. She can’t even figure out her shoelaces.

Alfred comes down to the Batcave and hollers and spits at Bruce to go to bed today. Maybe. A lunch date with Julie scheduled the next day pushes Bruce to grab some shuteye. Maybe five or ten minutes will suffice.

Meanwhile, Hugo “Hershey Squirts” Strange notices his associate Sanjay bolting out of a holding cell. He yells for Strange to seal the door behind him. The Monster Men are getting monsterier, that’s for sure. “They’ve developed a taste for human flesh,” Strange says, narrowing his eyes. “Sadly, I don’t know how much longer we can maintain our menagerie.”

Norman Madison sits in his lavish 79 billion dollar office where a couple of Maroni’s men strongarm their way inside. Maroni’s on “vacation”. Out of town, see? Gotta deal with them now, and they might be as reasonable as the Big Guy, you dig?

Well, Norman doesn’t appreciate the intimidation tactics. If Maroni wants to speak with him, he’ll contact Maroni himself. In the meantime, all debts will be fucking paid. So lay off, you jive turkeys!

One of Maroni’s men punches a picture of Julie and throws it back on Norman’s desk. He looks mortified. “Your first payment is due on Monday. So take your exclusive attitude and stick it in your… bank! We’ll see you then… ‘Daddy.’”

And the Daddy Daughter is going to get boned by Bruce later that evening! Right now, their lunch date is going swimmingly. And by “swimmingly” I mean “Bruce is ignoring everything Julie is saying.” He’s such an enigma, this one. Good thing Julie is sharp and perceptive!

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3

My vast collection of butt plugs has been filched!

“Sorry, Julie,” Bruce says, apologizing for his preoccupied existence. “There’s a… business problem that’s got me troubled. Something that’s deadly serious.” Oh yeah, what’s that? Someone added too many zeros at the end of a giant novelty check for the St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital? Screw those kids!

Julie delights in an idea! She’ll distract him! Let’s do something fun this evening! There are plenty of orifices we haven’t tried yet!

…he tells her that he can’t be with her tonight. Sorry, baby. A night with Bruce is hard to come by for anyone. The Lure of the Bat is just too strong. He offers Julie a ride back to her father’s penthouse, but the grumpy lady says she’ll just walk. Bruce zooms away without another thought. “Sometimes… he just seems like two completely different people,” Julie says both sharply and perceptively.

“Insurance records list Strange’s address as a long-empty warehouse near the docks,” Batman says as he descends toward the long-empty warehouse near the docks. The warehouse is outfitted with many security systems. “What is he hiding?” Batman thinks, suspicious of the many security systems. You don’t need many security systems unless you’re hiding something! This much I know.

Batman finds four stasis tubes containing hapless Monstery Men-looking individuals. “Freeze, sucka!” says Strange with a gun. Actually, he says “Stand where you are” because he’s white and lame. “Who are you?! What are you doing in here? Did Maroni send you?”

In a fraction of a second, Batman turns around, traverses 70 feet across the room, and punches the glasses right off Strange’s face.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3

Say hello to Mr. Fist and his companion, Mr. Other Fist!

Strange is floored, literally, by how fast the bat was just then! He was like WHOOSH, so fast! When Batman steps into the light, Strange beholds the majestic creature before him! “He is… most impressive. Powerful, swift, and frightening. His every movement so deliberate and sure.”

Love at first sight! Batman picks the dork up by the shirt and asks who those men in the tubes are. They’re merely volunteer test subjects, my boy! Normal sleep experiments and also everything here is nice and legal! Batman catches on that the man is trying to distract him while Strange’s associate Sanjay prepares a blow dart in the shadows. Strange gets his far as telling Batman the experiments are related to genetic transformation when Batman gets a dart in the neck. Then Sanjay whips him with a metal chain. A small fight ensures, but Sanjay overpowers Batman, wraps the chain around his neck, and throws him into the holding cell.

Batman recognizes the smell of the room. It’s the same smell that lingered in the poker game room. The rancid smell of… MONSTER MEN!

Three giants the size of giants loom over Batman, who poops fetidly in his jockey shorts.

Final Thoughts

See, I don’t care if Batman lives or dies! So this cliffhanger is absolutely meaningless to me! In fact, I hope he gets gutted by monster man. Or a monster ham! That sounds delicious.


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