The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 37: “Fires in Cairhien”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Oh good, we’re back to the good characters of the story! Looks like everyone in the book is on a boat right now, isn’t that interesting? Egwene’s group rides along the Erinin river, Cairhien on one side (who are civil warring) and Andor on the other (who are demonstratively not civil warring). The ship crew, knowing they’re in the presence of Aes Sedai, spend a lot of time gibbering and bowing to the three young women.

Egwene thinks about her ter’angreal and entering Tel’aran’rhiod a few more times with nothing too adventurous happening. She saw a bunch of stuff that probably foreshadows the next 86 books, but I’m not going to remember any of them! It all doesn’t matter right now. One dream was about Mat getting chased by a Gray Man, and both Egwene and Elayne wonder why anyone would be chasing down Mat in the first place (probably because Mat sucks ass? I’m just kidding here folks!), but Egwene grumbles that it doesn’t do either of them good to know. They can’t do anything about it anyway.

The ship crashes into something: a sunken ship. Captain Ellisor doesn’t think that they’ll be able to get off of it, but another ship might be coming soon so they can just wait. Nynaeve is like “fuck that” and disembarks the ship to head to Jurene on foot. Egwene and Elayne grudgingly follow, with Egwene grumbling that Nynaeve still thinks she’s the Wisdom of Fuck Mountain.

The three of them argue until, suddenly, a figure pops out of the bushes directly in front of them!

It’s Lawrence Fishburne and he’s super mad!


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Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Skullduggery”

* Part 2 of 5 of the Red Shadow storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Skullduggery”! In the previous installment, Charles Xavier has died and everyone is mourning in their own manner, ESPECIALLY Red Skull who scooped up Xavier’s brain! Delicious!

Everyone says Xavier’s death is Scott Summers’ fault and he’s not necessarily denying anything. Also, suddenly, Rogue’s powers aren’t working. SPOILER ALERT: SHE WON’T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS AFFECTED! Just read all the other Marvel NOW! Avengers and X-Men series for more on this fanciful development.

Scarlet Witch died, I think.

That’s about it so far. I am pretty sure that Red Skull is going to eat that brain and contract all sorts of nefarious prion diseases, and although that would make for some entertaining storytelling, they’re going to focus all their attention on poopypants Alex Summers instead. So here we go.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [January, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender
“Skullduggery”

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #21

“There was a waste. A million hours meditatin’ wouldn’t touch the dead weight on my chest. Chuck was the only father most of us had. Disappointin’ the old man is a rock-bottom pain that nothin’ can turn off. Dying at Scott’s hands… seems Chuck left with things as bad as he’d ever see.”

Wolverine even has a cowboy hat to go along with his Sawyer-from-Lost drawl. He’s very upset that shit sucks right now, even more upset that “Chuck” is dead in the middle of shit sucking, and even more upset that Scott Summers is a world-ruining wiener.

Remember the blast downtown? I barely do! But there are casualities, and it makes Captain America frown. Like this —–> :[

“Avalance was rehabilitated, Steve,” says Wolverine smartly. “Don’t see him doin’ this.”

Thor doesn’t give a shit about it, it seems. He wants to see if it just blows over eventually. Let it run its course! Avengers and mutants have been at odds since the beginning of time, just like Earth and Mars. They just never stop fighting! Just like Earth and Mars. But then he’s like “this buttfucker started a war, so he shall feel the cold wrath of MJÖLNIR!” or something to that effect. I don’t know where Thor stands. I don’t like Thor very much!

Cap placidly assures Thor that the fallen will be avenged. They are the Avengers, after all. BUT, the first priority is to stop more people from dying and—whoops, there goes another one. Heh. Cap lets everyone know that Alex Summers – Havok – has agreed to lead the Avengers for the time being, at least until someone more smart and less dumb comes around (impossible).

Wolverine doesn’t like the idea because Wolverine doesn’t like any ideas.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Grab the popcorn and watch the show, then, Wolverine. Shut the fuck up and just roll with it, bro.

But, mostly, Wolverine is upset because Cap was all “HURR DE DURR THIS IS THE WAY IT’S GONNA BE” instead of running it by Mr. Mad Mutant first. To this, Cap is like “HURR DE DURR WELL UH ALEX SUMMERS IS THE MAN FOR THE JOB”, and to this Wolverine says “Pickin’ the pretty mutants to be our public face, Steve?”

The prettier the better, guy. Plus, he’s a nice dude besides. Well groomed. Perfect teeth. Quit yer cryin’, Wolverine. Smile once in a while, too. You don’t smile enough.

Wolverine and Cap watch a man hug Havok in the distance, thanking for saving his daughter’s life. “I don’t care what they’re sayin’ about mutants… there aren’t enough heroes in the world.”

Wolverine looks sheepish while Cap flashes his mouth-breathing “I told you so” mug.

Meanwhile, Red Skull is doing something positively sinister: He’s appearing on TV news as a normal correspondent advocating for the death of mutants. He, in fact, as we see, persuades a few people, as if in a trance, to murder their loved ones and/or close friends and/or mutant fuck buddies. “Mankind murdered sixteen million mutants. When, once again, mutants number in the thousands, do you imagine they will sit back and hope things go differently this time? I think we saw their answer yesterday in New York.”

The broadcast concludes, and Red Skull is satisfied. I can tell because he’s got that rictus grin that he can’t stop! So, I guess that is to say I don’t know if he’s satisfied or not, I guess! Sorry about that deceptiveness.

Rogue has woken up upright on a platform with her limbs pinned by giant steel balls. She hopes Scarlet Witch is still alive even though she hates her guts, but we all have to stick together am I right folks ha ha.

Two mutants enter the chamber: a blue lady and a weird turtle man! The blue lady is the daughter of Avalanche. The weird turtle man is the son of the turtle who couldn’t make it through a Tootsie Roll pop without biting and that the kid should ask Mr. Owl.

Rogue tells these mopes that a war with the X-Men is not a very good idea. “I’m sorry, is the timing inconvenient?” responds the blue lady. “We didn’t choose when or where mutants ruined our lives.” And to that I say touché.

For one thing, Rogue’s big ol’ boyfriend Magneto destroyed Turtle Man’s — Mzee’s — Ethiopian village. That’s so not rad. Rogue drinks the sip of water that is proffered to her and she spits it in the blue lady’s face. Then she pours water over her own face, and this somehow aids her in wresting free from her shackles. I have no idea why, but I’ll run with it.

Then Rogue starts punching ass and taking names.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2

The last time I splooped someone in the face she got it in her eye and it burned.

A real fight ensues between Rogue One and Water Maid. Rogue obviously wants to avenge Scarlet Witch’s death for saving her life, if she is indeed dead. She probably isn’t because people don’t die in comic books except for a) Jean Grey, and b) Uncle Ben. And those two were nerds anyway.

Yep, she’s not dead. It’s confirmed immediately. She’s strapped to a table with Red Skull looming over her, breathing red hot skull breath in her face. Red Skull calls her a Jew, a gypsy, a mutant, “and yet so beautiful”. Listen, sir, if we’re going to be racist and sexist, at least be homophobic while you’re at it! Then you can host right-wing radio shows.

Scarlet Witch leaps off the table and produces a fireball into her hand. Tells the dude to get back. Get the hell back, in fact! Red Skull tells the woman that she’s on a cocktail of horse tranquilizers and codeine and that little stabby-stab will feel better in no time.

“It was extraordinarily brave, what you did,” Red Skull says. “Putting yourself in harm’s way to save your father’s whore.” Hell yeah, baby! Whoop whoop whoop whoop! She is not the father! Whoop whoop whoop!

Once Red Skull learned that Magneto was King Fuck of Butt Mountain, he intended to focus his entire attention on him. But he was “distracted by duty”. More like “distracted by doody”. Haha.

Red Skull appreciates the irony that Scarlet Witch wouldn’t exist if he had killed Magneto like he wanted, an irony I personally don’t appreciate but at least someone in the room does! Then he calls Scarlet Witch the “final hope of mankind”, which means she has the cure for cancer! Let’s see it! Let’s see it! Don’t hold out on me, lady!

Scarlet Witch is lead to a giant greenhouse with waterfalls and foliage and mermaids. It’s his own personal gifted school, kinda like Xavier’s gifted school without any pesky fucking mutants stinking up the place. Except you, my dear Witchy Woman! You can help Red Skull famously, he guarantees it.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Meth-addicted and unhinged? Baby, that’s a recipe for success!

Red Skull starts talking about his goofy Nazi years. His consciousness was recorded in a cloned body by Chief Science Officer Arnim Zola, of course! Preserved in a bunker, only to be revived in 70 years! And that’s *checks watch* hey, that’s now! Isn’t that silly wacky?! He awoke in America in 2012 where he saw the same shit going down that he saw in Germany in 1942. How very clairvoyant. “Mutants are the ultimate invading foreigners. You are their greatest fear–” he turns to Scarlet Witch who doesn’t look scary at all, “–and rightfully so.”

I don’t know what Scarlet Witch did, but it wasn’t good, and I’m guessing it was related to trying to genocide about 100,000,000 mutant-types. “You’ve never belonged in their world, Wanda.” Red Skull grins. “You see them for the danger they are. Deep down, you want to live in a world free of mutants.”

Scarlet Witch makes a face that’s kinda like “….yeah…..”

Red Skull is like “Wanna kill them all over again?”

Scarlet Witch thinks about it. She needs a tremendous amount of power and will. And determination. Oh yeah, and 500 bucks. “Yes. I can do it again.”

Eep!

At this inconvenient point, Red Skull gets a Nextel call that tells him that “Dancing Water” (the blue lady) and Mzee (Turtle Face) have allowed Rogue to escape! And no one knows where she is! Red Skull walks away obviously ready to throw some asses into the deep fryer.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Heil!

SUDDENLY, ROGUE SHOWS UP BEHIND SCARLET WITCH AND GRABS HER JAW AND SAYS “HEARD ALL I NEED TO” AND SCARLET WITCH SPINS AROUND AND TWOKKS ROGUE IN THE FACE AND SAYS “REMOVE YOUR HANDS FROM ME!” AND ROGUE HAD ALREADY TOUCHED HER SO THINGS ARE LOOKING UP AND–

Scarlet Witch conjures up a terrifying tempest of pink, smoky chaos and blasts Rogue with it. She sends her into Hell, basically. In reality, she finds down a hole to a secert lab for some reason that’s beyond my meager understanding. Scarlet Witch calls Rogue a trailer trash dirtbag slut from the sewer swamp and leaps down after her.

They both stop in their tracks. Charles Xavier, supine on an operating table, desecrated!

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Awww, someone took a big juicy bite out of his head before I was able to get to it first!

Rogue cries. Scarlet Witch sort of snaps out of it, suddenly unable to believe that she was about to help Red Skull do his Nazi bidding. Rogue has a flashback of Xavier accepting her into the school against Storm’s wishes. Charles Xavier’s skin looks so silky smooth with youngness and paraplegic vibrance! “All mutants lead extraordinary lives, most make mistakes and deserve a chance for redemption.” Well la di da, Mr. Altruism.

Back to reality, Rogue grits her teeth. “I’ll kill him for this. If it’s the last thing I do.” Hopefully she means Scott Summers, because lol.

She means Red Skull, because he’s already in the middle of thwarting Rogue. He enters the room with his posse, including Dancing Water, Mzee, and a gaggle of other misfits. “With your dear Xavier’s brain now fused to my own, I can clearly see what your final act will be…

…BEGGING.

Final Thoughts

Meh. I still think Charles Xavier’s brain is full of prions that’s going to give Red Skull the human version of mad cow disease. He’ll be flopping all over the place soon enough, rest assured.


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The Death Knight’s Squire, Chapter 8 – The Temple of Amaunator

Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.

Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, does a lot of wandering around with not much excitement, although he does infiltrate a thieves’ den and steals 1000gp worth of gems! I have no idea where he’s going to spend it in the woods, but maybe there’s a vending machine somewhere.

Oh no, a nice-looking stone doorway! Run!

The walking feels interminable, but the new trusty walking stick makes it a snap! Some keen observation reveals that Milhouse has been here before — if he turns left, he’ll be back where he fought those Giant Spiders that quote/unquote he defeated. Instead of doing an about-face, Milhouse turns right to see if there’s more treasure to be found in this neck of the woods. Learning his lessons, he moves with carefulness.

-Stealth check! DC 13. 15 + 3 = 18. Handily done.

Milhouse tiptoes like a child on Christmas morning. He checks for traps and finds a doorway to a stone building! Finally, something interesting!

-Trap-checkin’ perception roll (DC 14). 14 + 3 = 17. Success once again.

A very thorough investigation of the doorway reveals a catch mechanism on the door’s handle! Milhouse just avoided certain death!… but, Milhouse’s curiosity gets the better of him and he chooses, like an idiot, to pull on the door handle anyway. As expected by the off-screen game player, something bad happens! Two darts shoot out of cleverly-concealed holes and pierces Milhouse’s scrawny neck.

-Dumbass. Roll 2d4 and deduct from HP: 12 – 3 – 2 = 7 HP. Learn a lesson, nerd.

After applying plenty of poultice, Milhouse peers into the now-open door. Might as well anyway since it’s open, right? He enters the passage and discovers it to be a calm, cool, pleasant, but dark walkway (Note: Milhouse has darkvision, so he is allowed to continue instead of turning around). This may not be a good idea at all, but the young elf’s thrill-seeking tendencies have never stopped him before. Soon enough, he reaches the top of a flight of stone stairs. The click-clack of Milhouse’s shoes on the stone floor echo throughout the corridor. He descends the stairs anxiously, peering around for traps and denizens of the stone passage.

Milhouse hopes that this is where the Brewmonts’ son, Darek, is being held captive, perhaps on a spit with an apple stuck in his mouth. The stairs lead to a dimly-lit medium-sized chamber. More looking around ensues. There’s not much to see besides spiderwebs, dust, decay, and that bronze idol over there in the corner… heh heh… buh-what?!

Could this be Amaunator? Because he looks like a bearded John Malkovich.

It’s a likeness of Amaunator, the Sun god, the god of law and justice. He is worshipped in Faerun and not many places else, especially not Paraguay. It’s obvious that this chamber is some sort of monastery due to the plethora of cushions that litter the floor, and since Milhouse is a High Elf who isn’t a cleric or a paladin, he says “Fuck that noise” and throws a rock at the bronze idol. “What’s this doing all the way out in the middle of the woods anyway?” he says to himself loud enough to wake any thieves that may be squatting in the area. Thankfully, at least for now, he is undetected.

Milhouse takes a look around the room, making note of any oddities or delicious treasures that may be in its midst. He kicks up dust that may have been built up for years, perhaps decades, maybe even millennia! But it’s unlikely.

-Investigation check! d20 + 5 = 16 + 5 = 21, hell yeah.

The room is full of dusty old books and scrolls. Milhouse rifles through them and one catches his eye: a red book with no title. It appears to be some sort of journal. The pages are yellowing, filled with handwritten scrawl. Milhouse just about tosses it against the wall as hard as he can when he notices a mention of the Death Knight. “Buh?” he says, taking a closer look.

Hung he was, in the year 3010 EC, from the great Red Tree in the middle of the wood. After that, he became an abomination, a stain on mankind: one of the undead army. It is rumoured that a stake from the tree which he was hung from will finally put an end to his wretched half-life. There is a cave, north of the Amaunator temple, that is said to hold the undead victims of the Death Knight. Under pain of the death, the Death Knight kidnapped the son of a great cleric and made him bless the river that runs path the cave’s mouth, turning it into holy water. Hence those poor undead victims of the Death Knight are forever trapped within that cave, from now to eternity. Perhaps someday they will be freed, though the gods only know how.”

Milhouse flips through more pages and finds a scrap of parchment, which appears to be a spell: “This scroll contains the spell Protection from Evil and Good,” it says. “Hey! I don’t know that one yet!” Milhouse yells even louder than he did before. He pockets the parchment and sets his eyes on the bronze idol of Amuanator itself, which sits upon a small altar. The bronze is so sleek and shiny that it nearly blinds Milhouse’s poor, fragile darkvisioned eyeballs! And, of course, there’s a very valuable trinket lying next to it: a necklace with a holy symbol of Amaunator. “Perhaps this belonged to a monk or a cleric,” Milhouse snorts with disdain. “Insufferable.” But he pockets the necklace anyway. Maybe he can throw it at a spider later.

Pictured: Protection from Evil and Good. The sick-ass demon on it is the icing on the cake!

Satisfied with what he found in these hallowed halls, Milhouse turns around and heads back upstairs to the wood.

At this point Milhouse comes across another green dot on the map and I am prompted to roll a d100. I get 18, and I add 10 to the total due to an earlier successful stealth check. 28 leads me to the next plot point…

Milhouse heads north on the same bearing from before he encountered the stone doors. After a time, something catches his eye: a gray solid shape off the path to the left, mostly covered in leaves and twigs. Looking around and making sure he’s not going to fall into a 90-ft pit, Milhouse approaches the shape and kicks off the debris.

It’s a gravestone.

HERE LIES DAREK BREWMONT
Laid to rest in Weathercote Wood Cemetery… there to rest for all eternity

Milhouse is about to shed a tear and pour a little liquor for his homie, but then he squints and takes a closer look at the gravestone. The death date is tomorrow! What the actual fuck? “Is the boy already dead or not? What could this mean?” Milhouse thinks pensively as he walks away.

Suspicious that the stone was a hallucination, Milhouse doubles back and takes another look. This time, the name “Darek Brewmont” is gone, the actually lettering on the stone is faded and illegible, and the bottom has a clear symbol for a noose: the mark for the grave of a murderer!

Furrowing his brow, Milhouse takes one last long look at the gravestone. He hikes up his walking stick and continues going north.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 36: “Daughter of the Night”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Perrin can’t hear those damn wolves while he’s on the ship, so he finally gets to sleep. He wonders how Elyas, that other Wolf Man from Book 1, is able to sleep with all those wolves howling in his head.

He falls asleep, which is a fucking godsend for me because I get to trudge through another awful dream sequence! Perrin stands in the mist; his dead wolf buddy Hopper shows up to lead him through the fog. The go through the fog. They go through the fog until they end up in mid-air, somehow, and it’s pitch black. Below them is an array of mirrors (?) and a big group of Darkfriends led by Ba’alzamon. Apparently, some of these Darkfriends failed their missions, and Ba’alzamon smash! One let “the boy” (Mat) escape Tar Valon, so Ba’alzamon vaporizes him. Kickin’ ass and taking NO names, that’s the way to do it.

Ba’alzamon orders the rest to obey him or they’ll be horribly killed too, then he sends them all on their merry way. Selene/Lanfear pops in to tell Ba’alzamon that “he is free to use her domain” (vagina). Does this mean she no longer serves him?? And she goes “a-buh-buh-buh-bhhuh of course I still do!” But she challenges him: Lews Therin still walks the land and the Aes Sedai are in control.

Once these two lovebirds disappear, Hopper leads Perrin to another area where he can see Rand below him actin’ crazy and weird and killin’ all sorts of Darkfriends and regular folk with his red hot saidin bullets. He sees Perrin above him, gets pissed, and shoots him. Perrin wakes up with a real burn on his chest.

Perrin decides this shit is serious and tries to find Moiraine’s quarters to chat about his dream. When he explains the whole thing, Moiraine simply replies that there are Aes Sedai that would try to gentle him if they heard that. Gentling wouldn’t have any effect on Perrin, of course, but he should be careful what he says nonetheless. Lanfear is loose, which means she’ll be trying to head to Tear. And Moiraine won’t Heal Perrin because she wants him to keep the burn as a lesson.

Perrin asks about the name “Zarine” and it means, basically, a slut. Not befitting a Hunter of the Horn, so Perrin agrees with that! End scene.

Elsewhere, Rand realizes he might have seen Perrin and almost killed him! Eek! He needs to be more careful who he decides to randomly kill! About 10 men (and one female merchant) arrive to ask Rand if he would like to share the campsite with them. Rand lops off her head with a sword, then kills the rest of the men. He steals the merchant’s horse and heads off to Tear where he can jerk off some more. I mean, Jesus Christ, Rand. Get a grip.


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Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

* Part 2 of 6 of the Batman and the Monster Men limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, we are treated to four points of view: Norman Madison, business mogul who wants nothing to do with Salvatore Maroni’s shady business dealings; Julie Madison, daughter of Norman and Bruce Wayne’s newest squeeze; Professor Hugo Strange, all around loser and antagonist; and Bruce Wayne himself, the Man behind the Bat, man.

Hugo Strange is doing bad things while Batman does bat things, and that’s really all you need to know right now. It’s going to get more fleshed out here, I’m sure.

Or not.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2 [February, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 2)”

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

The sanitation department found a woman’s disembodied arm floating around in the sewer. There are, like, bones sticking out and everything. Gross. Apparently, there are other pieces floating around too. Double gross. Jim Gordon is on the case! First thing’s first: get rid of all the gawkin’ rubberneckin’ types! Ain’t nobody need a media circus on the scene! Second of all, leave Gordon alone with the body for a few minutes ifyaknowwhatimean. Hubba hubba.

“I try not to notice the details that add up to an answer I don’t want to consider,” Gordon thinks as rain pours on his ginger head.

Speaking of towering, wet men, Batman has arrived on the scene. He and Gordon, they’re good buddies these days. Gordon thanks Batman for showing up. So, lookie here: *points to a pile of body parts* There’s no head, so hopefully she has some fingerprints in the system. Batman notices bite marks everywhere. Good eye, professor. “She appears to have been mauled by some wild animal.”

Gordon points out that there have been no reports from the local zoos or circuses! So that rules out lions, elephants, and some of the hungrier clowns. Batman plucks a couple of hairs from under the woman’s ravaged fingernails and is kind enough to leave some evidence for, you know, the police. Gordon allows this. The Batman is good at forensics, he should get the first crack at it, son.

Meanwhile, Professor Hugo Strange is looking through microscopes and blathering about genetic manipulation. He’s distressed over an experiment that he’s fucking failing at like a little bitch. Suddenly, associates of Maroni barge into the lab to have a friendly chat with the mad scientist.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

Ey, let’s get this guy fitted for a couple’a cement shoes! What’s your size, cowboy?

Hugo Strange isn’t intimidated by these goons! However, the goons remind the little pipsqueak that Maroni demands punctual payments for his services. He’s got two days to get his finances in order or there will be hell toupee.

Julie Madison is at a restaurant waiting for Bruce to show up to their candlelit table. “God, I can’t remember the last time I sat and waited for a man in public like this,” she thinks, frustrated. Bruce then shows up with a sly kiss and an even slyer grin. He’s all schmoozy and boozy, ready to spend an evening with Gotham’s prettiest girl! (Bruce!)

They flirt a bit like horny children before finishing their meal and skipping out on the check, probably. “So, Daddy says he’d like to get to know you better. Says he wants to see if all the rumors about you are true!”

Bruce says “meh, I’m boring” but agrees to this weird interrogation that’s about to happen in the not-so-distant future. Bruce cuts the evening short so that he can go play Batman, which Julie finds awfully suspicious! “Perhaps the rumors about him are true,” she grumps. “What if there’s another woman? Or several?”

“Several” doesn’t even scratch the surface, honey. He has a whole Jonestown of women ready to drink the Kool-Aid in the name of Bruce Wayne. You best not worry too much about it, honestly.

Julie hears sirens coming from a police chase. Two fat cops are in pursuit of two fat ski-masked, gun-toting hooligans. Long story very short, Batman comes in to save the day with his various utility belt toys and knick-knacks.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

Any move that emphasizes Batman’s taut buttocks is a good move indeed!

Batman stops the bad guys, but the cops urge him to hold still or they’ll shoot from their very real guns.

“Ease up there, partner,” says Cop #2. “What are you doing?”

“He’s a wanted felon!” complains Cop #1. “There’s a standing warrant out on him! Commissioner Grogan–”

“Commissioner Grogan isn’t here,” says Cop #2. And since Batman just made their FUCKING jobs easier, let’s take the W and move on with their lives.

Speaking of taking the W, Professor Strange takes the weenis, as it were, and starts griping about the lack of availability of test subjects at this time. “…Drastic measures are necessary.”

What kind of drastic measures, son? Pullin’ the ol’ pud? Getting some sperm on your clothes? Sounds counterproductive, but hey, I’m not the professor here!

Hugo Strange is scavenging Arkham Asylum for some drooling, vegetative subjects. His guy on the inside produces a real winner. “Got a ripe one for ya tonight,” the gruff, cigarette-smoking orderly says, showing Strange a sad sack in a wheelchair.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

Jeff Conaway has seen worse days…

Strange says “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, this’ll do quite nicely…” and presents his associate a fat wad of Monopoly money. “I don’t expect you to understand this, but… the pleasure is all yours,” Strange says dramatically. The orderly is like “yeah, whatever” and Strange drives away with his new fresh sack of meat.

Hey, how many times have you all read about Gordon wanting to be a good cop amidst a city full of bad cops? Well, guess what idiot? ACAB.

One of Gordon’s minions comes in to brief Gordon on that heist that got interrupted by the caped weirdo in the gray tights with the tight buttocks. After that, he has the results back from Forensics on the hair and DNA and poop under the dead, dismembered woman’s fingernails…

“Human,” Bruce says to himself in the Batcave of Wonders. “But how is that possible? The samples were four or five times as thick as normal human hair. I need to trace the remains to their source.”

Alfred descends the 9,000 stairs that leads to the cave with a tray of tea, a gift that Bruce slaps out of Alfred’s hand every day that he does it.

“As always it seems my timely reminders that you need to eat will be lost in the frantic furl of black leather,” Alfred says snarkily, describing Bruce’s penchant for afternoon BDSM. Bruce promises he’ll eat later once he sees a man about a horse, as it were.

Meanwhile, we turn to Norman Madison, a man no one reading this comic cares two farts about. He talks about how he built Madison Industries up from a mailman and a fishbowl to a thriving conglomerate of two mailmen and three men who got lost on the way to Dunkin’ Donuts. Maroni has visited Madison’s humble abode to discuss BUSINESS.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

Remove those pants, sailor! It’s time for some o’ those services!

“Trouble making payroll again, eh?” Maroni taunts, smoking on his fat dick of a cigar.

“Several of my… investments haven’t panned out,” Madison responds. “And two of our foreign distributors are in deep appears.”

“Tragic.” Maroni blows a fat dick of a puff of smoke. Looks like Maroni needs some money, son. “Three million is a lot o’ scratch. Yours at 30%. We got a deal. Be seein’ ya, Norman.”

Julie comes downstairs like a seven-year-old who just woke up after the adults got done playing Parcheesi and having lewd, sweaty orgies. Norman lies and tells her, uh, he had a visitor with bad manners! OK, well, not entirely a lie! Maroni isn’t known for keeping his elbows off the table. Norman observes that Julie should be out fucking Bruce Wayne, but Bruce had other plans this evening yet again! Well, Norman aughta box his ears! “Tell me, dear…” Norman snarls. “Do you trust this man? I mean, his reputation?”

Julie sniffs. She wants to trust him, but Bruce Wayne is a sack of doorknobs and is probably boning every broad in Gotham’s East Side, North Side, and every other side besides! Save some ears to box for Julie, dad!

Luckily for Julie, Bruce isn’t fucking ladies but he’s instead swimming with the poop in the sewer. A favorite pastime. Batman intends to follow the path upstream from where the body remains were discovered and he finds remnants of a biohazard bag. Was the killer a medical professional, or was he just some short bald guy who kills women who make fun of him? Hard to say!

“This case is confusing.” Batman wrinkles his nose, and I’m willing to bet that it’s not because of all the poop. He decides to take a breather on the DEAD BODY PARTS case and focus his attention of whatever Maroni is doing (picking his nose and eating the boogers).

Speaking of a guy Batman shouldn’t be ignoring right now, Professor Strange appears to Frankensteining himself up a Monster Man! His lackey tells him that there’s a gambling game going on with a dozen armed men, and Strange is like “hmmmmmmmmm, one will suffice.”

Long story very short, because I’m BORED NOW, Strange’s Frankensteined Arkham patient tears off everyone’s limbs and dismembers penises and he looks like a growling, hairy giant! And we’re only on Issue #2! Shit’s going down, fam!

Final Thoughts

This is better than Batman and the Mad Monk already, but we still have four issues to fuck it all up! Until next time.


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