Season 9, Episode 4 – “Lisa’s Sax”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 4 - Lisa's Sax

“Lisa’s Sax”

Original Air Date:
October 19, 1997
Directed by:
Dominic Polcino
Written by:
Al Jean

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Homer recounts the story of Bart’s first day of school, which corresponds with the story of how Lisa got her saxophone.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

Fyvush Finkel as himself playing Krusty in a biopic is about as pointless as it gets, but I’ll give it a pass since no one under the age of 85 knows who Fyvush Finkel was.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

This is a good episode, but something is definitely off about “Lisa’s Sax” that makes it teeter on the brink of the Zombie Simpsons cesspit. It cannot be overlooked that this is the first episode in the show’s history to be written entirely by Al Jean. “Al” as in “Al-ways looking like he’s taking a giant dump, but also unsuccessfully thinking he’s keeping it a devilish secret”. My beef with Jean is that he too out of touch. He has been involved with the show since the beginning, literally. He was the lone showrunner for 20 straight seasons, nosediving the show into the cesspit itself from which it will never return. He’s like a pile of rotting garbage. Clear it out already.

My hatred of Al Jean aside, “Lisa’s Sax” is probably the most perfect amalgam of classic vs. current Simpsons. Flashback episode? Great! Those are always a hit! “The Way We Was”, “I Married Marge”, “Lisa’s First Word”, “And Maggie Makes Three”, these are all fucking great episodes! But what makes “Lisa’s Sax” off is its inclusion of some jokes that are just not very smart. I’m looking at you in particular “For no reason, here’s Apu.” There’s also something fanfiction-y, childish, and “lol random” about Grampa Simpson’s tangent about 19-aught-6, Sarah Bernhardt, and the “Sexy Grampa” dance (before falling asleep on his feet, of course). There is also an instance of over-explaining jokes that will get very prominent as time goes on. The big offenders here are the “Balzac” bit (where instead of letting Homer’s ignorance of the novelist end the joke, Marge continues by going “BUT BALZAC IS THE NAME OF THE…” before getting cut off again) and Lisa reading the new inscription on the sax at the end of the episode. It would have been great to let the viewer read it themself, but noooooooo. Lisa has to read it for us. Pretty soon Lisa will read everything for us. Oh, and don’t get me started on Homer and Marge doing the All in the Family bit TWICE. Once was bad enough.

80% of “Lisa’s Sax” is very in-tune with the classic era, though, so don’t let me bitch too much. Bart’s traumatic early-school experience is gold, as is Homer stealing the Flanders air-conditioner, as is Homer cowering in fear of Bart’s drawing. Lines like “lousy traumatic childhood” and “museums don’t have foosball, do they” remind me why Season 9 is still ok.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 4 - Lisa's Sax

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

While Brockman introduces his piece on the heat wave, the graphic shows a dog tugging off his bathing suit, just like in the famous Coppertone Ad (commercial).
Oh Brockman, you so naughty.

The episode was written with a small staff that consisted of Al Jean, Mike Reiss and David M. Stern, among others. According to Reiss, the final episode contained 80-90% of Jean’s original script.
There’s a nonzero chance that everything I hated about it was written in by Jean. When you don’t have Mike Reiss to reign you in you might get stupid, I always say!

The boy who eats worms was conceived by Al Jean. He used to eat worms as a child and he looks similar to him.
Need I say more?

Al Jean conceived the idea for the All in the Family (1971) style opening while waiting to get tickets to the O.J. Simpson murder trial.
That was THREE YEARS BEFORE THIS EPISODE AIRED. Imagine having an idea in your life that was so pivotal that you remember when you came up with it. Fuck the O.J. Simpson trial tickets, the real winner here is the shitty cold open that he thought of while standing in line with board shorts and socks with sandals, probably. What a mook.

FINAL GRADE
B


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Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200 [July, 2010]

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

”It’s Good to Be 200!” – Dan Parent

Congrats, Veronica! You’re 200 years old or something!

Veronica gets meta and talks about how she can’t believe it’s already been 200 issues. So many adventures! So many places visited: Japan, Australia, India, Italy, Canada, Kuwait, North Korea, the jungles of Borneo, and Walmart. “In my 100th issue, I even took a trip out of this world on a space shuttle to the moon!”

Yeesh, that sounds like it sucks. Who would want to go to the moon? There’s no Xbox on the moon. Can’t plug it in anywhere.

“And just when I thought I’d been everywhere… I discovered somewhere I’d never been!” Veronica says, smiling widely. I guess we’re going to hear ALLLL about it now. Does anyone care? It doesn’t sound exciting to me. Not like the thrill of an Xbox.

Veronica can thank Dilton and her cousin Marcy for finding this place. She overheard Marcy on the phone a few weeks ago, something about Dilton’s latest stupid, useless, possibly erotic invention. It could change mankind as we know it! Marcy is dressed like a mom and I bet she would be slobbering all over Dilton’s dick if it weren’t completely socially unacceptable to do in Riverdale.

“I wonder if those two are having a secret romance,” Veronica smiles broadly like it isn’t disgusting. “They’re perfect for each other! Geeks in love!”

Veronica follows Marcy all the way to Dilton’s garage, where he welcomes Marcy with open arms.

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Right? Makes me sick.

Veronica watches as Marcy and Dilton walk onto a Stargate platform and hold hands while these high-voltage apparatuses start humming and buzzing. Then it whiiirrrrrrrrs. Then there’s a blinding flash of light. And now there are two corpses on the garage floor! Won’t Father be surprised!

“I’d better make sure they’re all right,” Veronica says as she approaches the garage. “Yoo-hoo! Dilton? Marcy? Are you okay?”

They gone, bitch. Veronica thinks that maybe these two dorks are messing with her, but another big flash proves her hella wrong. They come back all sorts of dazed and confused, and not in a Matthew McConaughey way. And they’re extra confused to see Veronica snooping around the place.

“Veronica! What are you doing here?!” Dilton asks.

“Never mind that!” Veronica replies. “Where did you two go?!”

“It’s complicated!” says Dilton.

“Try me!” says Veronica smugly.

“We’d better tell her!” says a nervous Marcy. “She’ll hound us until we divulge our secret project!”

They bound and gag Veronica, stuff her in a bag, and throw her in the river. Bye bye, Veronica. No more Veronica.

“This transporter takes you to a special place!” Dilton says happily, still not getting to the point, really padding out Issue #200 here unnecessarily. It’s a time machine! It can take you to Riverdale, except, like, Past Riverdale (where the dinosaurs roamed with Mr. Weatherbee)! Or Future Riverdale (where the robots roam with Mr. Weatherbee)!

Veronica thinks this lunacy is loony! Too much science fiction from these two, huh? Too much Space Invaders and too much ALF! Well, Marcy and Dilton get peeved at Veronica’s close-mindedness and decide to prove it to her.

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

ZAP! We tricked her! Veronica’s finally dead! YAAYYY!!

They set their watches to five years ago to the day and zap their way through space and time and dimensions and alternate universes and other stuff that the paralyzed wheelchair scientist used to talk about constantly.

They arrive at their pre-Covid destination.

“It’s five years ago!”

“Prove it!”

“Let’s go to Pop’s!”

“Fine! Then we can forget all this time travel silliness!”

Guess what’s not silly? This time travel silliness, because the gang is at Pop’s and they’re all, like, 7 years old. Veronica believes it now! Her eyes have been opened to the possibilities of killing Hitler as a baby, which will be next on their trip after a delicious hamburger!

Veronica sees herself all peppy and loaded with vim and vigor! She looks the same.

“Oh! There’s me! I’m so adorable!” Veronica says. Marcy looks annoyed. “Don’t be so hard on yourself!” she says.

Then there’s trouble a’brewin’!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

It’s Colombian Necktie time for young Betty Cooper.

“STOP! Veronica, you can’t mess with the past! How would you react if a future version of yourself confronted you?”

“I guess that could get messy!”

Yeah. Messy like yo underpants.

Young Archie and Young Veronica get very upset and these snoopy snoopers who are snooping on them from outside. “Are we being spied on?” Young Veronica asks, arms about five different kinds of akimbo. Marcy gets scared like they’re a pack of hyenas. “They’re coming! We’ve got to set our watches!”

A flash later, and Marcy and Veronica are BACK TO THE FUTURE, MARTY! Veronica is more than pleased as punch! What a great invention, Dilton! *noogie*

Later, Mrs. Lodge treats Veronica to an announcement! “We’re thinking of going back to Paris for summer vacation!”

Veronica is bored. “Okay.”

Mrs. Lodge is nonplussed. “You don’t sound very excited–!”

Veronica is frustrated. “It’s just that we’ve been there so many times!”

Mrs. Lodge is patient. “Well, there’s Greece, Ireland…”

Veronica is annoyed. “Been there. Done that.”

Mrs. Lodge is unperturbed. “Well, think it over. Let’s go somewhere we’ve never been!”

Veronica is thoughtful. How about Riverdale before she was born! Cool, idea! Then maybe she can kill Betty Cooper’s parents before they fuck and she can have the boring redheaded kid all to herself! A devious plan, to be sure, but there are very few options here. Yes, yes.

So she schemes upon how to get back to that time machine. She’ll have to roofie Dilton and chloroform Marcy… oh, never mind, they’re conveniently leaving the garage. Perfect! Veronica wants to travel to 1969 when everyone was listening to Abbey Road and enjoying many hip mind-altering substances!

In 1969 she visits Pop’s and finds a nice surprise. Mr. Weatherbee, who looks like the dude from Doonsebury! And Miss Grundy! And boy, was there ever a scandal!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

That’s right, baby! Weatherbee and Grundy could fuck with the best of ‘em!

They call each other Sugarpie and Butterbean, which causes Veronica to chortle. This draws the ire of Weatherbee and Grundy and, well, you know, one thing leads to another, and suddenly Grundy thinks Veronica is out to steal her little Weatherbee!

I like to imagine that Grundy is a E5 Black Belt in Krav Maga and is about to tear Veronica a new b-hole, so Veronica goes “Yikes!” and sets her watch back to the present. But the damage has been done! “I don’t like how you looked at her, Waldo!” she says to a poor, hapless, confused Weatherbee. “I’m breaking up with you!!”

Weatherbee all like “!”

Next, Veronica visits 1975 and, because there’s nothing else to do in Riverdale in any era, goes to Pop’s. She finds Archie’s mom looking all sexy and MILFy sitting in the diner waiting to be courted by a young lover! This is gonna get saucy!

Veronica catches two young dudes walking up the diner. “I’m meeting this girl Mary here,” says the one that looks like a skeezy Errol Flynn. “I think she likes me!”

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Veronica Lodge: Literal decades of floozyin’.

The curly redhead merely smiles wanly at Mr. Happy over here. Then Veronica walks past them and accidently trips Errol Flynn into a big, muddly puddle! The dude understands. These things happen, sort of, kind of, not really. “I’d better go change,” he says, leaving the curly redheaded Mr. Andrews to go fuck his prospective girlfriend while Mrs. Andrews watches Veronica fondle her real date. That Ronnie is really fucking shit up. I love it. This is time travel done right, by the way. None of that Looper horse hockey.

Back in the present, Archie shows up at Dilton’s to get some THC gummies. But mid-sentence, he disappears in a BLIP!

“Where’d he go?” Marcy panics.

“He just disappeared!” Dilton panics.

“How could that be?” Marcy panics.

“I think I know!” Dilton anti-panics. “One of the watches is missing!”

“You don’t think…”

“Veronica!”

Veronica, indeed. That bitch is tearing holes in the space-time continuum! Marcy is going to track her down with the other watch. She’ll start in 3,400 BC, then she’ll try 1975. Then she’ll give up.

Arms hella folded, Marcy pops into Pop’s pop-shop ready to scold Ms. Rich Bitch for ruining the history of time forever. Veronica’s like “ok lol you caught me, let’s go back,” but Marcy says it’s not that easy. She has to fix something, like her attitude. OR, maybe the fact that Archie disappeared in the present is something worth investigating. I personally don’t think so, but everyone in this comic seems to have a vested interest in Archie’s banal friendship. Don’t ask me why.

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Welp, nothing we can do about that! Sorry, Archie! Looks like it’s eternal purgatory for you, son!

Veronica has an idea, she’ll turn back the clock 20 minutes to before she knocked that poor sap into the puddle. “Let’s stay back so we don’t interfere!” she says, hiding behind a tree with exaggerated giddyness. The poor sap doesn’t get knocked into a puddle, everyone lives happily ever after, Archie’s parents fuck (really rude fucking, by the way), and then it’s back to Dilton’s to celebrate with a round of Kid Cuisines!

In the present, Archie poofs back into existence except now he has black hair and goth makeup. And a tail. Just kidding! Or am I? He and Veronica hug; she’s glad he exists. It’s really sweet. I’m guessing Betty is dead in a ditch somewhere, which is just a little bit sad.

Dilton, concerned, believes that this time machine is too dangerous in the wrong hands, so he sticks his key in the self-destruct slot, causing an explosion the size of three Little Boys and one Fat Man to destroy Riverdale and its 900 surrounding cities and towns.

The group goes to Pop’s to celebrate an evening of not fucking up history forever, but Veronica has one more thing she has to do before they go…

Using the really-not-destroyed-yet time machine, Veronica travels to the day she was born to wreak more havoc. Accidentally dropping herself down a well, probably!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

QUICK! KILL THE NEXT HITLER BEFORE SHE DOES MORE DAMAGE!

After reveling in her parents’ love for her for some reason, probably because there is absolutely no sign of it from either family member these days, Veronica leaves before she can ruin her own life by accidentally sniping her baby self in the head.

Later, Veronica’s mother asks her daughter, again, where she would like to go on vacay. “I’m not sure! In fact… you decide, Mom!” She figures that after visiting 1969 and 1975 and then the year she was born, 1928, she’s had enough adventure in her life. She’s so tickled pink by her fantastical adventures that Hiram Lodge thinks his daughter is angling for some of his hard-earned money again. Pick a man’s pocket will you?? *punch*

Veronica debunks her father’s inklings and she walks away, leaving her parents mildly befuddled. Their child is never one to turn down FREE MONEY for her RAGING COKE HABIT. What the fuck gives?

At school the next day, Veronica calls Weatherbee and Grundy “Sugarpie” and “Butterbean” as she walks out. The two of them look at each other like “BRRRTT!!! WHUUUAAA!!! HONK HONK!!!” and Veronica is quite pleased with herself!

That’s the end. Happy 200 issues, everyone! Here’s to another 10 more, max!

Final Thoughts

I have no final thoughts. Time travel?! Preposterous! Whatever happened, happened, bitches. We deal with Lost rules in this house!


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Hearts in Atlantis by Stephen King

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Hearts in Atlantis

Gather ’round the Bonfire, dipshits. Today I tackle Stephen King’s Hearts in Atlantis, a novel rife with mirth, mayhem, and miraculous mysteries. A coming-of-age tale that will surely have you nostalgic for the Vietnam War era even if you were born in 1987 like I was!

I read Hearts in Atlantis once before during the summer after college ended. That was already over 13 years ago, but man do I remember it making an impact. I devoured that book like it was a giant bowl of delicious ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s, of course. None of that Breyer’s shit. Consisting of two novellas and three short stories spanning the course of 39 years, each story is linked by a girl/young woman named Carol Gerber who impacted each story’s main character in one way or another. Let me just go through each one, why not?

“Low Men in Yellow Coats”
Stephen King knows how to write about prepubescent kids from the ’60s! The story follows main protagonist Bobby Garfield during the summer of 1960, his friends Sully-John and Carol, and Bobby’s strange (and, yes, appropriate, which I can’t stress enough) relationship with his new middle-aged apartment neighbor Ted Brautigan. At the heart of the story the father-son bond that develops between Ted and Bobby over the course of the summer and how it changed Bobby’s life… for the worse, actually, since Ted ended up leaving Bobby’s life forever and indirectly caused Bobby to eventually turn to delinquency and truancy. He didn’t have a present father and his mother sucked ass.

“You call that science fiction? Here, boy, get a load of Chainsaw Vampire Hoochie Mamas vs. the Harlot Aliens from Planet Slut.”
– Ted Brautigan

Apparently, Ted Brautigan has a connection to King’s Dark Tower series, of which I have only read the first book and am thus far completely underwhelmed by. There’s a whole sequence at the end of the story where Ted has a confrontation with these low men in yellow coats and starts talking about Breakers and shit, and it went so far above my head that it slammed into a airplane and crashed into the side of a fucking mountain. Other than that whole bit of complete nonsense, the rest of the story was fantastic. A bit of Americana through the eyes of a child growing up in a simpler time. Bobby’s little-kid romantic relationship with Carol was cute. Sully-John sounded just like a friend I had back in elementary school who just happened to grow up to become a gold medal Olympic athlete instead of, you know, drafted into a war in Vietnam. I hated Bobby’s mother with a passion, which means she was a really well-written character. And Ted was as fine an older gentleman as I ever saw!

This story for me served no other purpose other than to make me nostalgic for childhood. I loved it for that reason. Moving on.

“Hearts in Atlantis”
This was my favorite story. I’m no stranger to heavy procrastination during college. I’ll be the first to tell you that I was spending my Sunday evenings watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia DVDs and playing fuckin’ Halo in the dorms instead of studying for my Monday exams. These kids were obsessing themselves over games of Hearts in the commons rooms for months, which sounds like a situation I would’ve befallen in 1966 while I was supposed to be studying whatever it is people studied in 1966. Phonograph repair?

“GATHER ‘ROUND, FELLAS!! YOU KNOW THE QUEEN OF SPADES?! WE’RE GOING TO TAKE TURNS BUKKAKING HER FACE!!
– Ronnie Malenfant

Vietnam war-related shenanigans is not something I can relate to, since I did not go to college during Vietnam war-related shenanigans. I cannot fathom the pressure of staying deferred from the draft under a scholarship, one that I’m supposed to keep under any circumstances or I’ll end up getting my testicles blown off in Da Nang. I’d get my shit together, though, if keeping my grades would keep me alive. I’m pretty sure I’d really BONE UP on my studies for that.

The romantic tryst between Pete Riley and Carol Gerber was nice, EVEN IF THEY BOTH HAD RELATIONSHIPS BACK HOME. And made the all the more bittersweet by Carol’s decision to leave without first saying goodbye. With respect to Carol’s political activism, I can’t imagine caring enough about any political cause to get involved in protesting, let alone help make bombs for fuck’s sake. I’m all for radical liberal ideas, don’t get me wrong. But Carol was a lunatic.

Why did that crippled kid Stokely Jones keep saying “rip-rip”? Was it some kind of Tourette’s thing? That was stupid! King should’ve left that part out!

“Blind Willie”
My least favorite of the five stories is still pretty good. Willie Sherman helped his friends beat the shit out of Carol Gerber when they were kids and now he thinks he needs to atone for it on a daily basis as an adult. He also goes blind for a few hours a day for what he thinks is karma, so he uses that time to beg on the street! Can’t do anything else while you’re blind, I always say.

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed blind man is King of the No-Eyed Blind Men, and you can take that one to the blind bank.”
– Willie Sherman

I don’t have much to comment upon for this one other than I hope that police officer does follow Willie back to the hotel bathroom and then beat the shit out of him with a baton. That would be justice, idiot. Poetic fucking justice.

“Why We’re in Vietnam”
Nice catching up with Sully-John after he basically got disemboweled during the war. We find out that he was involved in a helicopter crash rescue mission that almost escalated into a massacre of civilians by the soldiers. We find out that he thinks the now-dead (but not really) Carol Gerber, whom he has been keeping up with in the newspapers, is a crazy, radical anti-war cunt. He has a conversation with his old commanding officer, Dieffenbaker, during another veteran’s funeral about how their generation sold out to consumerism, which is absolutely fucking true.

I suppose the objects raining from the sky during Sully-John’s highway heart attack, while a metaphor for his generation’s obsession with material goods, is also supposed to be related to the Dark Tower series again? Again, way over my head. Maybe this Stephen King guy should spend less time jerking himself off over the Dark Tower series and more time just jerking himself off in general.

“Remember when I ruined the life of every man I came across? Good times.”
– Carol Gerber

“Heavenly Shades of Night Are Falling”
A nice end to the book if I’ve ever read one, and I’ve read many endings to many books! We’ve come full circle: Bobby Garfield returns to Harwich, Connecticut after what I assume is 30+ years of gambling, debauchery, sin, and eating no vegetables. He pays his respects to his old buddy Sully-John and noticed how much the town has changed since he was a wee lad. He gets to catch up with the decidedly-not-dead Carol Gerber! She goes by Denise now for what I imagine to be protection reasons. They have a nice little moment.

While I was pretty happy that Carol was still alive and was able to catch up a little bit with Bobby, I can’t help but wonder if it would have been just as powerful if she actually died at a young age. Then you would have Willie Sherman, Sully-John, and Bobby reminiscing about the dead girl/woman who changed their lives in one way or another, and maybe a little bit of Pete Riley sad off-camera about the dead girl that he fucked in college! Thoughts, anyone?!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Hearts in Atlantis traces several characters from childhood through college and into adulthood. How does King explore the maturation process?
AH, THE CLASSIC COMING-OF-AGE STORY! King explores the maturation process through the loss of innocence and the disillusionment of LIFE IN GENERAL. Bobby Garfield never really liked his mother, and a great father figure like Ted Brautigan really highlighted her shittiness. The day Willie Sherman and his buddies beat the fuck out of Carol Gerber, and then Bobby carried her all the way to Ted, and then Liz Garfield thought Ted was a child molester… well, sir, that really sent ol’ Bobby over the edge! There are intermittent mentions of Bobby’s delinquent near-future, probably because Ted leaves and Liz sucks. Plus, after avenging Carol’s injury by beating the fuck out of one of the kids who beat the fuck out of her, he moves away and leaves her forever. Speaking of which…

“Listen, man, we can either study our asses off or we can fail out of college playing all that World of Warcraft. Your choice, bro.
– Pete Riley

Pete Riley loves and loses, so to speak. Carol Gerber walks away from him knowing that it’s for both of their own good, which is very mature for a young woman who is going to help make protest bombs in the not too distant future. Plus, after finding himself laughing along with his friends at Stokely Jones, the crippled kid who almost dies in the rain, he learns that people in a group tend to bring the worst out of their individual selves. Speaking of which…

Willie Sherman, having helped beat the fuck out of Carol Gerber, spends his adult life understanding that people in a group tend to bring the worst out of their individual selves. And he intends to repent for his sins. And he does. Writing an apology to Carol 500 times a day in a notebook is a little over the top, though, but what do you expect from a shell-shocked Vietnam War veteran? Speaking of which…

Sully-John gets fucked up in the war and, embittered by the experience anyway, feels that his generation cares more about newfangled salad shooters and HBO instead of what matters. And what matters exactly? I dunno. Love?

That’s all I have to say about that.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I really enjoyed this book. I’ve read about 15 Stephen King books and Hearts in Atlantis has the most coherent theme and the most touching moments. Plus a good ending, which means he was really in rare form! I mean, goddamn. How often are you going to hear that?

I wrote too many words about this book! See you next time when I write approximately 35 words about that piece of shit Moby Dick.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 32: “The First Ship”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

On the docks for less than three seconds and already Mat is like “there’s the ship, that’s the ship, I want that ship”. Mat and Thom speak to the Master of the Docks, who knows Mat’s face from all the Polaroids and tells him No Way, Jose. You ain’t boarding no ship. Thom is like “What does he mean, boy? What’s up with that, boy?” Mat shows the dock guy the letter from the Amyrlin Seat; the guy tells the captain of the ship to hold up, but the captain doesn’t wanna. So Mat and Thom bolt down the pier and leap onto the ship before it sails off.

The captain is not happy and orders the two to be thrown off the ship. Mat presents a gold coin and tells him that’s on official White Tower business. The captain says that, for another gold coin, they can sleep on the deck. Mat wants their own room plus food, and while the captain laughs, Mat rummages through a bunch of gold coins. Thom is bewildered, to say the least, and the captain wonders if Mat’s a high lord in disguise. No high lord here, sir! Just a rich kid, lol. In the end, Mat pays for the captain’s quarters, which Thom is upset about because that means he’ll have to share a bed with Mat (who smells).

The captain is named Mallia, and he thinks that Mat is on a mission for Morgase. Mat denies it, but Mallia is pretty fucking sure. Anyway, the High Lord Samon hates the Aes Sedai and thinks they’ll rule the world with soft, iron fists! Later, Thom says he ain’t heard of no High Lord Samon and he knows every single High Lord this side of the Mississippi.

Mat admits that he’s carrying a letter from Elayne, and Thom doesn’t believe him. They go to bed, but later Mat is awakened by what sounds like footsteps outside of their cabin. Mat grabs his stuff and stays by the door. Two men with knives enter the room, and Mat kills both of them with his quarterstaff. Hearing more footsteps above, he clamors to the top and kills another guy. A fourth guy gets killed by Thom’s thrown knife. Two more men on a boat tied to the ship jump off the side and swim away. Mallia arrives on the deck, and Thom insists that they just saved the ship from brigands! Filthy, naughty brigands! Mallia mutters, walking away, wondering why Andor is hiring assassins…

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Rand plays a flute in front of a campfire, wondering if he’s still losing it. Thinking about all his dreams, all these people showing up to try to kill him. Min, even, and that one really stung. Selene is in his dreams looking quite fetching, offering him the glory that he doesn’t want anyway. He also dreams of Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne being hurt and tortured, which is messed up. Scary stuff.

And Rand just keeps on playing that flute. Keeps on thinking. And no one listens. And no one cares. Least of all me. Bye.


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Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962 – “Path of Doom (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Path of Doom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962 – “Path of Doom (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, Wonder Woman takes Lois and Jon Kent to the Justice League’s secret outer space hideout where the can watch Superman kick Doomsday’s ass with 200 watts of Dolby sound on a 72” TV.

The robed guy who has been watching the action himself decides to wait until Superman is fighting within an inch of his life to intervene. People dressed in black show up to push Doomsday toward a gateway via powerful energies!

So Doomsday’s going to be sent to another dimension altogether and I’m going to finally be done with this sad-ass storyline. Superman sucks.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962 [October, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 6)”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #961

Lois narrates. Wonder Woman took her and her son to the Watchtower in the middle of dang ol’ space in order to keep an eye on them. Lois knows what’s up: this Watchtower diversion is a diversion! There’s a lot of shit going down on Earth, man. It’s some real heinous business.

Jon Kent, though, the little scoundrel, is like “Ooooooh, wow! Ahhhhhh, eeeeee!” about the Watchtower. Lois grabs Wonder Woman’s attention and shows her the footage of guys in black helping Superman take down the Doomsday guy. “It would be unwise for anyone to presume they can control Doomsday’s power. But if someone were able to harness it…” Wonder Woman ponders. “He’d be the ultimate weapon.”

Meanwhile, the ultimate weapon goes “GHRARR!” while he gets blasted with mysterious energies. All they have to do is push him to the portal gate so they can beam him to the holding facility, where he will assuredly get all the snacks and Internet he could want. Closer… closer… ok, that’s too close… never mind, here we go, into the portal with you!

At the last second, Doomsday shoves a spiky knee right through the ninja dude’s stomach. Whoops, this isn’t working! The others scream as Doomsday pushes himself back out of the portal. Then he stomps heads and crushes skulls and is a general pain in the rumpus. “My forces are proving… insufficient,” says the robed puppet master watching the action on his many screens. He sees Lois on a screen asking Wonder Woman if she’s out of her mind that someone would want to use Doomsday as an ultimate weapon. The robed guy is like… “I’m not out of my mind :[ “

All the robed guy wants to do is determine what Superman is really capable of. That’s it. That’s all. No biggie.

Superman thinks (I know, right) hard (ha) about Phase Two of his plan. Phase One was “get the monster away from the big city” and now Phase Two will be “share a donut”. Superman blasts this guy backward over and over again, pushing him back a mile at a time. Lots of “GUH!” and “RAHHR!” and “BRAGHH!” and “GRUH!” coming from the big, manly rock dude. Then, when he reaches a forest, Superman flies away so abruptly that Jon wonders if his dad is running away.

(Again, where are these magic cameras that are shooting the action? Someone please tell me.)

He’s not running, son. He’s luring. Luring the beast!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962

Quiet, you.

Wonder Woman hopes that Superman can lure Doomsday single-handedly to wherever it is that he’s luring him to. She basically says nothing, is what I’m saying. Lois wonders if Wonder Woman is the best person to keep an eye on them. Probably because she’s a woman, right Lois? You misogynist.

Once Doomsday catches up with Superman, he grabs the beast and throws him in the other direction as far as he possibly can. “Drop him right where I want him,” Superman says as Doomsday falls into a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

Doomsday hits the side of a mountain on the other side of the world. “Perfect,” Superman thinks. “All I have to do is open the door.”

Ah, it’s his fortress, but not that fortress. Another fortress. As Lois explains it, it’s a different fortress that Clark built with his own hands. Basically, it’s a plot hole fortress.

Kelex is in the fortress waiting for his master to give him orders like “clean my floor.” That, and activate the Doomsday defense protocol. It’s merely three cannons that shoot missiles. The guy in the robe is watching this and finding it an interesting turn of events! He’s also picking his nose and eating his boogers.

Next is a full-load particle beam, which shoots Doomsday with blue-ass light and makes him go “HRK”, which was my least favorite character from The Wire. Then there are more blasts and more explosions that are of no consequence, and Doomsday just gets madder. And Superman gets more buttfrustrated.

“Need more time to get the device ready,” Superman thinks as he headbutts Doomsday at precisely 1,000,000 mph. This sends Doomsday flying into the wall with a WHUDD. “Need just a few… more… seconds…” Superman is whupping this rockface all over the room, and Lois is getting really fucking nervous. “GO! HELP HIM!” she screams at Wonder Woman, who responds with “But I don’t wanna.”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962

Unless he needs help getting the cum out of his balls, pipsqueak, I ain’t doin’ nothin’.

Lois begs Wonder Woman to help even though the response is a whole bunch of “I gotta keep y’all safe.” Jon finally convinces Wonder Woman with his puppy dog eyes to help his dad. Wonder Woman smiles confidently like “yes, yes, I am Wonder Woman.”

Meanwhile, Doomsday is punching the spleen out of Superman as he grunts and groans. He’s losing the battle, and he won’t be able to do the thing he wanted more time to do, whatever the hell that was. It’s very unclear. “Clark,” chirps a voice from above. “I have this.” Wonder Woman bashes a shield into Doomsday’s neck. It’s very effective! “Whatever plan you have in mind, get busy!”

OK, good! So, Superman is jiggling his joystick trying to stop the Space Invaders from—oh wait, the plan… “Step aside, Diana! I haven’t had a chance to test this, so I’m not sure it’ll work. We might not be able to put this monster down–”

Just fucking do it already, nimrod.

“–but that doesn’t mean we can’t send him where he can’t do any harm.”

Superman shines a giant searchlight on America’s Favorite Enemy. “Enjoy the Phantom Zone, Doomsday!”

Jon leaps for joy thinking that he disintegrated Doomsday, but Lois is a Phantom Zone knowitall and womansplains to her son the implications of such a zone. “Think of it as the most incredible prison in the whole universe,” she says, bringing to mind, like, capitalism. “All right! Go Dad!” Jon jubilates.

Superman and Wonder Woman fist bump. A job done well is a job well done! And so forth.

Meanwhile, Metropolis looks like trash. Upended cars, broken buildings, a bald guy who thinks he’s the next Superman. It’s like Detroit, but with a bald guy. Mortal Clark runs around like a doofus assuring civilians that everything is going to be ok. Or not ok, as the case may be. Mortal Clark is lacking in bedside manner.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962

Baba Booey!

Superman shows up and demands a friendly chat with Lex Luthor. “I understand you own the Daily Planet now,” he says as they both overlook the city from the top of the Daily Planet building that Superman understands Lex Luthor owns now. “Indeed,” Lex responds.

Lex asks Superman for proof that he might be a shitty murderer rapist Donald Trump kind of person. Just a swamp turd from the bowels of shit. Superman, having no proof whatsoever, makes a dumb face and everyone moves on.

“Why do you wear his symbol and cape?” Superman asks. Lex says some claptrap about the cape and shield being inspiring to people and, obviously, self-servingly, Lex wants to be associated with that level of inspiration. “Recent events make it clear that this city cannot survive when the two of us are against each other. I suppose that would make us…” The word tastes like acid cum on his tongue. “…allies.”

Superman doesn’t like that either, so he disagrees until further notice. Perhaps some contracts need to be drafted up and notarized first. He flies away while Lex is like “COME BACK THIS INSTANT SO I CAN ASK YOU QUESTIONS AND THEN YELL AT YOU.”

It’s space where Superman is flying, most notably the part of space that has that one space station where Lois and Jon are hanging out safe from Doomsday. “CLARK!” Lois screeches when he hubby shows up looking smelly in his unwashed costume. Time to head home, fam! There’s a big rotisserie chicken with our names on it waiting on the kitchen table! It’s been sitting there for four days!

Doomsday is in the Phantom Zone, which is most assuredly not the same zone that they are currently in, so that’s good news. “Can we go there?” Jon asks stupidly.

The mysterious robed figure agrees that Jon is stupid. He talks to himself about how the Phantom Zone is a great place for Doomsday to hang out and think about what he’s done. “Sound, well-conceived strategy,” the robed man says. “Though ultimately futile… since I have intercepted the projection.”

Doomsday comes out of a portal all “RRAAGHHH!”

“Finally. Doomsday is mine.”

Eek. Oh no.

Final Thoughts

WHO CARES? Who fucking cares? This was such a fucking slog to get through, holy shit. Why does Superman have to be the worst comic book character in existence.

This won’t stop me from reading Superman comics, of course. Because I’m a colossal dingus.


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