Batman (Vol. 2), Issue Annual #1 – “First Snow”

* Part 14 of 15 of the Night of the Owls crossover event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 2), Annual #1 – “First Snow!” This is Part 14 of the Night of the Owls event that I’m going through hella out of order. I’m not going to know what’s going on at it! It shall be most fun, guv’nor.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue Annual #1 [May, 2012]
Written by: Scott Snyder / James Tynion IV
“First Snow”

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue Annual #1

FEATURING THE TORMENT OF MR. FREEZE! GET TO DA CHOPPER!

Over thirty years ago, in the cold tundra of Lowell, Nebraska, a little kid named Victor runs away from his mother. The “competition” started an hour ago (the dick-stucking competition) and he doesn’t want to be late (to the dick-sucking competition). Mom says that snowman-building isn’t for another two hours anyway, so slow your roll, bro.

Mom holds up an apple. They shall decorate their snowman with this, just how they did it in “the old country” (Myanmar). You cut up an apple and make all the facial features, apparently. Sounds like a lot of work. Where’s the fucking carrot, ma?

Victor continues to be excited about building a snowman, but he turns around to find his mother missing; apple on the ground. She fell through the ice and into the water, leaving poor Victor alone and crying…

At Arkham Asylum, on the Night of the Owls (12:02pm ON THE DOT), Victor is enduring an interrogation session. “And what happened to her, Victor?”

“The ice preserved her until help arrived.”

Victor claims that “owls” tricked him, stole his formula to bring their soldiers to life, and then tried to kill him. Just like he tried with some woman named Nora. Victor does not want any talk of Nora ever again.

“What time is it, Dr. Kearney?” Victor asks. TIME TO GET A WATCH, BUTTFUCKER! AHH HAHAHAHA!!

“A few minutes past midnight. Why do you ask?”

“I’m going to require your crayon.”

Dr. Kearney proffers a crayon, noting that it’s made of alcoholic wax as to not freeze. “You hurt me, Victor, they’ll turn this room into a sauna so fast, you’ll–”

Batman (Vol. 2), Annual #1

Give your favorite red-sunglassed boy a hug!

KRAK. Hope you enjoy your broken neck, Doctor. The dead bastard lies on the floor while Victor opens up a panel on the ceiling and starts wrapping a wire around the crayon. Security personnel finds a weird anomaly in Victor’s cell – a power fluctuation. The temperature in the room is now 86 degrees below zero and dropping fast!

Victor – Mr. Freeze – has rewired the cooling systems in his cell and pissing off Dr. Arkham in the here and now! “Temperatures are dropping to unstable levels, sir,” says the security officer. “We have to stop the emergency power protocol from going into effect!” Sounds like baaaad news. Cold temperatures aren’t good for delicious hot things like my hamburger. What will we do?

Security officers with guns bust into Mr. Freeze’s chilly, snow-and-ice-encrusted cell. The officers freeze instantaneously. Mr. Freeze snaps a finger off of one of them for what I assume is funsies. Then he slurps up some delicious water…

More security officers round the corner and tell Mr. Freeze to come out with his cold little hands up. He acquiesces, appearing to be a Good Boy until he spits out freezing water in everyone’s faces. “IT BURNS! THE COLD… IT BURNS!” one security officer was known to say before, I assume, he died of cold face poisoning.

Freeze grants himself access to his special Mr. Freeze Suit™ as a Farfanick food services truck rolls up to the facility. “Right on time,” Freeze smiles.

At 12:45am at the aptly-named Iceberg Casino, the food services truck plows right through the fucking wall and into the spire of ice in the center of the lobby. Freeze emerges in his suit, looking quite dapper, I might add.

Batman (Vol. 2), Annual #1

That’s right, slut. Fuck that ice! Fuck it!

Penguin “Cobblepot” McGurnsey views the spectacle from the top of the stairs. “We could have set a meet. I was expecting your call from the moment the Arkham incident came across the police wires. Do you realize how much this will cost me?” he chides playfully.

Freeze tells Penguin to just move some legitimate money into a vault and report a robbery. The cops will believe the shit out of that! And while Penguin finds this to be a rather elegant solution (read: not), he can’t help but feel like Freeze is angling for something here. Instead of explaining himself, Freeze launches into a monologue about how he used to torture animals as a kid. Social norms and etiquette be damned!

“You ask what I’m after, Oswald? Freedom. Freedom from this city.” He’s been abused by bats and owls and now he just wants some goddamned peace. But, more than anything else, he wants his guns back. *kisses arms*

Penguin laughs. This is more like it! Here’s your giant-ass gun, now make this robbery look real and see yourself out. Freeze makes the robbery look real, then sees himself out. “And now for vengeance,” he says, looking out at the city skyline. “Vengeance on the man who stole Nora from me…”

WELL IF IT ISN’T BRUCE WAYNE, SPEAK OF THE DEVIL. We are now at six years ago where Bruce is paying a visit to Lucius Fox at the Wayne Tower Laboratories. He introduces Bruce to Dr. Victor Fries, who seems normal right now and hasn’t gone crazy quite yet for Nora-related reasons. “Dr. Fries runs the small cryonics lab we keep beneath the laboratories proper,” explains the luscious fox. “Frozen heads abound.”

Dr. Burger-and-Fries asks Bruce if he had fun running amok around the world for no reason. Anyway, he’s working on the slow-heating process of cryo-preserved individuals. Bruce scowls – he thought the lab was moving away from that hocus pocus! Organ vitrification is where it’s at these days. Cryogenics is piffle! Piffle!

Lucius frowns.

“In fact, weren’t we supposed to transfer the rest of these old cryo-preserved bodies here to the Gotham University bio-lab?” Bruce continues. “I feel I was pretty direct in saying I wasn’t comfortable continuing with this line of research.”

Batman (Vol. 2), Annual #1

Sorry, sir. I was living with apes and baboons for 1200 days. Please forgive me.

Dr. Fries assures Bruce that both can be done. New research along with old research. For the love of God, please! And Bruce, instead of saying “fuck off”, tells him fine, but he’ll be under extreme scrutiny.

Once Bruce and Lucius leave the lab, Fries moseys over to one of the cryogenic chambers that holds Philip J. Fry. Wouldn’t that be something?! It’s actually a woman – Nora. Fries holds his hand to the glass. “My Nora… don’t worry. They won’t take you away from me. I won’t let them. Not until I’ve found a way to bring you back.”

Her heart condition is curable now! He just had to figure out how to thaw her out. All he needs is time… time… time… time… time… *slow fade into the present*

In the present day, Dr. Freeze stares at the chamber in the ruins of the laboratory. He has figured out the warming formula and has blown the popsicle stand (heh) that is Arkham Asylum. He wipes frost off the chamber to reveal… AN OLD WOMAN??? “No… Wayne… when I get my hands on you–”

Little Damian Wayne Robin and Dick Grayson Nightwing show up suddenly to tell Freeze to stuff it. If he’s looking for his job back, then he can cram it. STFU!!!

“This is a private vendetta, Nightwing,” Freeze explains coldly (heh). “It does not concern you. Tell me where to find my wife and the man who took her from me, and we’ll have no quarrel.”

Nope! It’s fighting time! After a few panels of roughhousin’, Freeze plants his hand on the floor, sending a path of ice across the tiles and up Nightwing’s legs. With a perplexing WABOOSH, the ice encases Nightwing up to his shoulders.

Robin swoops down, but Freeze grabs his wrist and sends -1273 degrees of blistering cold up his arm. Give Freeze the information he seeks or he’ll shatter the kid’s arm like a piece of oh-so-fragile glass!

“Victor, it’s Bruce Wayne,” announces a voice from what I can only assume is some sort of intercom. “Let the boy go.”

“Wayne. Show your face.”

“Take the elevator up to the penthouse, Victor. We can still talk this through. Man to man.”

“I guarantee you, Mr. Wayne… talking is not on the agenda.”

Freeze lets go of the little pissant and walks into the elevator. Nightwing lets him ago, but Robin is like “Why?! Let’s kick his ass!”

Flashback to six years ago again. Dr. Fries has synthesized a new compound that will thaw Nora once and for all, and he’s going to use it in approximately eight seconds unless some unforeseen jerk decides to horn in on–

“No, Victor, you won’t.”

Bruce Wayne, fancy as ever, pops into the lab to explain to Victor that he had shut this project down months ago. And yet Fries has continued to work on his own private experiments! The nerve! “I can’t allow you to continue playing mad scientist while you neglect the research you were hired to do.”

Fries begs Bruce. Begs him. This is his wife, and they can cure her heart condition now! Please! Please!

“No, Victor. I’ve called the authorities.”

Batman (Vol. 2), Annual #1

Eat chair, Millionaire Playboy!

The chair hits a tank of cryogenic fluid and it sprays all over Fries. Instead of killing him, it “radically alters his biology, as if each individual skin cell is capturing and storing the cold.” Doctors are now looking at him as the medical marvel that he is. If we turn up the heat, he could boil alive! And furthermore–

“Quiet. He’s waking up… Where are the goggles?”

“Whuh– Whuh–”

The red goggles are applied to Fries’ eye area, which will help his poor little eyeballs from freezing and falling out of their sockets amusingly. The first thing Fries does is get up from the table and bellow “WAYNE… BRUCE WAYNE! I’M COMING FOR YOU! YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM ME, MR. WAYNE!”

In the present, Freeze enters the penthouse and sees a single cryogenic chamber in the middle of the giant, empty room.

“…Nora?”

Batman breaks through the glass ceiling, shattering it into roughly 400,000,000 pieces. “It’s over, Victor. Put the gun down and surrender. Now.”

“You will not keep me from my Nora, Batman.”

After a blast of ice from the gun, Batman grabs Victor and gets right up in his ear. “Do you know how many men and women you’ve killed tonight, Victor? How many of them had families? Loved ones of their own? You claim to act out of love, but I don’t think you even understand the meaning of the emotion! Love requires empathy, sympathy, compassion. There’s nothing inside you but ice and hate.”

Victor says it’s not over until Bruce Wayne’s blood is spilled and he walks away with his frozen wife. He throws a ball of ice at Batman, which freezes him where he stands. Freeze approaches the chamber, but Batman busts out and warns him to stay away. “I will not let you walk out the door with her,” he growls.

Here comes the twist! Batman tells Freeze that he doesn’t even know her. Nora Fields, born in 1943, graduated from college before finding out about her incurable heart condition. Engaged to be married to a young lawyer. Her family opted for her to endure this risky procedure so that someday she could be cured.

Batman (Vol. 2), Annual #1

Your real wife died in the Oklahoma City bombing. She choked on a peanut while running out of the building.

“You never knew her, and yet you come back, time and time again. Mr. Freeze out to save his dying wife from the cruel businessman who took her away. But we both know that’s a farce, Victor. She’s old enough to be your grandmother, for God’s sake.”

Freeze doesn’t listen to any of this. He’s still like “Back off Batman!” and “I love her!” and “We’re meant to be together!”

Batman tells Freeze he doesn’t love anything but the cold. *punch*

As they speak, Freeze’s suit is being filled with the thawing formula, cooking him like a plump roast chicken. “Nightwing. Freeze is down. Get the Batmobile, and we’ll take him back to Arkham.”

Freeze remembers his mother. She is in a wheelchair, and Kid Victor pushes her across the snowy frozen lake. They’re going to build another snowman for the contest, but they forgot the apple. Don’t worry, they can get an apple when they get there. “Now rest,” he says, kissing her on the head. The ice breaks, sending his mother tumbling into the cold abyss of the lake.

Final Thoughts

Fucked up! That’s what this is! I was going to be like “just let him have his wife, jerkass” but then it was more fucked up than that! Now this was a Batman story! Good job, New 52. You redeemed yourself.

Stay tuned as a I someday hit the other series that cover the Night of the Owls story. Until then, though, enjoy America’s quick descent into fascism. Merry Christmas!


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Russian Doll, Season 1 – Groundhog Day Meets Columbo

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Russian Doll, Season 1 (2019) (Netflix)

Russian Doll, Season 1

The Premise

Nadia (Natasha Lyonne) is an extremely sarcastic woman with a penchant for living life like it’s her last day on Earth. Unfortunately, she gets caught in a time loop where she keeps dying and waking up in the bathroom during her 36th birthday party. She becomes increasingly frustrated and panicked as she tries to figure out what’s going on and why this is happening to her. Basically, it’s Groundhog Day in fast-paced 21st-century New York City and without Andie MacDowell, thank god.

Russian Doll, Season 1

Reliving life? I’d rather be dead.

Things seem hopeless until Nadia runs into mild-mannered Alan (Charlie Barnett), who seems to be taking his identical situation with poise and aplomb. At least finding comfort in each other’s shared predicament, they work together to find out how they can break the cycle. You’ll laugh! You’ll cry! You’ll wish the season was longer than eight episodes!

My Half-Baked Thoughts

This was really good. I knew three minutes in, when Natasha Lyonne parades around her friend’s apartment with her cocksure Peter Falk-esque New York City-incarnate disposition, that I was going to immensely enjoy Russian Doll. Or at least Natasha Lyonne. Most of the joy of the series comes from the way Nadia carries herself, in my opinion, and it’s not often you find such a strong personality within a show’s main character. I was giggling at all her sarcastic one-liners, her facial expressions, the way she fucking delivers all her lines. Genius-level acting. Underrated.

Charlie Barnett is really good as the sad-sack, depressed Alan who makes the best of his odd situation. With optimism and positivity, he moves through his repeated days going over mantras of self-respect and self-assurance. Of anybody in Russian Doll, Alan seemed to be the most real and human, not a caricature. The season really takes off in Episode 4 when Alan gets introduced proper, showing the contrast with respect to the first three episodes of how he tries to fix his perceived mistakes between each death. While Nadia spends her Groundhog Day avoiding falling down the stairs and breaking her neck, Alan attempts to propose to his girlfriend the “correct” way.

Russian Doll, Season 1

I mean, seriously? Reliving life? Kill me.

These two play off each other really well, and I’m glad because much of the supporting cast was lukewarm. Nadia’s friends Maxine and Lizzy are pretentious and boring. Nadia’s ex-boyfriend John is age-inappropriate and boring. Nadia’s mother figure Ruth seemed superfluous, not exactly boring though. I didn’t care much about who anyone Nadia was talking to until Alan shows up in her elevator. Then the meat of the show — figuring out how to break their cycle — kicked into full gear. Alan thinks they’re being punished for being bad people. Nadia is like “fuck that noise” until she has her doubts. They try to retrace their steps that led up to their respawn moment. Alan realizes that his first death was suicide, which was a real kick in the ol’ nuts. Eventually, they come to the conclusion that they had crossed paths pre-loop and neglected to help each other out.

The story never gets bogged down in the time-loop physics — using it more as a plot vehicle than for worldbuilding. I don’t remember if it’s clear that Nadia and Alan die at the same time, but I know they respawn at the same time. It’s amusing when they talk about how they died before restarting again (usually something ridiculous, like collapsing from a pre-existing condition), or when they take it in stride that people and objects keep disappearing. The chemistry between them cultivates a very platonic dynamic, at least in Season 1. I’m willing to bet that things are going to change between Nadia and Alan in Season 2, but I sure hope not. I like it the way it is. I can’t see these two getting together in any sort of romantic sense, but I’ve said that before with two characters from a lot of different shows and I’ve always been wrong. Saul Goodman and Kim Wexler? I fucked that one up!

Russian Doll, Season 1

Me and my friend here, we’re tired of dyin’ all the time!

As with most fanciful stories, I like to try to put myself in Nadia or Alan’s shoes. What if I kept finding myself waking up to the same moment over and over again. I certainly wouldn’t be afraid of death anymore, which would be a fantastic boon to my mental health, for one thing! Unless it kept hurting really badly. Then I wouldn’t look forward to it. Would I keep trying to kill myself like Groundhog Day’s Phil Connors? Would I try to restart fresh and be the best version of me I can be? Would I take advantage of the respawn by binging books and movies and kill myself out of the convenience of gaining time (that last one sounds pretty attractive save for the “killing myself” part of things)? I think I’d start freaking out and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, but what if I’m already stuck in a time loop and I haven’t died for the first time yet? What if I die in 2070 and it takes me back to 1994. Maybe I did something terrible when I was seven years old that I’m still paying for 30 years later? I must have really hit James Blum hard in the face with my red and white mini Playmate lunchbox. I still feel bad about that, actually. Sorry, James.

Worth the Watch?

Yes, sir or ma’am. Eight short episodes. Knock it out in a weekend. It’s funny and thought-provoking. I’m going to watch the next season very soon. Not now though. I don’t like watching seasons back-to-back. I’m weird that way.

Russian Doll, Season 1

If we’re goin’ dyin’, we mught as well look cool. Ayyyyyyy!


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Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #21 – “The Underneath (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Underneath storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #21 – “The Underneath (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones and Jessica Drew team up to find Denny and Mattie. And they do find them in a hotel in Manhattan! The Jessicas are gonna fuck some bitches up!

And now, the “thrilling” conclusion!

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #21 [July, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Underneath (Part 6)”

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #21

One of Denny’s henchmen is a spindly little nerd whose super ability is shooting out colorful bubbles that pop all around the room. “The fuck?” Jones says. The nerd can’t control it; bubbles pop everywhere. Jones goes for Mattie, but she starts losing her balance and falls to the floor in a daze. The next three pages are bereft of dialogue: it appears that Jones is having a vision of herself as Jewel fighting off various Avengers, which include the Hulk, Doctor Strange, and a guy in a tight speedo, among others. After this brief vision, Jones wakes back up among the colorful bubbles.

The nerd still can’t stop controlling his bubbles. Denny makes his way over to the door and yells at Jones. “Bitch, I don’t know who you are – but I swear to God, for this, I am going to find you, rape you, and kill you.”

This Denny guy is a pleasant bloke, huh?

“FUCK YOU!” Jones yells back, kicking Denny in the leg.

This has basically been eight pages of “AHHHH, AAIIIIEEE, OWWW, FUCK, AHHHH, OHHHH, AAAGGHHHH, FUCK” without much else going on. Everyone in the hotel room just kind of keeps bumbling and falling down.

Another dude in a leather jacket tries to strongarm Jones, but he gets zapped by Drew. That’s the most exciting thing to happen so far. Jones punches the glasses off of him while he keeps muttering intentions to murder. Jones bashes his head in with a rotary phone. Jones unbolts the TV from the dresser and smashes it on his head. This one finally knocks him out.

The room is lousy with passed-out and/or critically injured motherfuckers. There’s not a single usable panel so far, so I’ll just use this one:

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #21

Classic Denny.

Anyway, after knocking Denny out, they speak to Bubble Guy (aka “Speedball”). Drew asks what the fuck he’s doing here, and Speedball is confused. He thought the ladies were with them. “Considering we kicked the shit out of everyone but you, what do you think?” Drew sneers. Speedball is still confused, he barely even knows where his dick is! Jones and Drew say they’re here to rescue Mattie. Speedball is here to bust the dudes for drug dealing!

“Well, what the fuck is up with your shit powers?” Drew asks the nerd. Speedball gets defensive now, all like “I was here first!” and “Where’s my dick?”

“…heeey, man, what’s goin’ on?” says Mattie, waking up in a daze. Jones picks the girl up.

“Mattie? Sweetie? It’s me, Jessica Drew.”

“Noooo shit. Hey, girl.”

Nice reunion. The cops are here, by the way. They’re here because Speedball called the cops earlier and the cops are helping him. Helping him step on black guys’ necks, that is! That’s all cops are good for, right?! HEH HEH HEH! BACK THE BLUE, WOOP WOOP WOOP!! Jones wants to get Mattie out of the room before the cops see her. “What should I do?” Jones asks as the police try to bust the door down.

There’s an easy answer to this, and thank god they do it. Jessica Drew zaps the fucking police as they try to enter the room, and Jones leaps out of the window with the girl and lands safely on her feet after falling 20 stories! Whew, that’s the stuff!

“Hey, what’sss going on?” Mattie says, drugged all hell the fuck up. Jones hails a taxi and gets in with the kid to take her, presumably, to the Jamesons. I don’t know. They don’t show it. They just show Jessica Jones in her office six weeks later playing Neopets or something on her computer.

Then she gets an unexpected guest!

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #21

Ohhhh, you’re not dead? Geez, this is kinda awkward…

Mattie shows up with Mrs. Jameson. She’s very nervous, but she’s no longer drugged or oozing from a wound in her back or anything like that. “I wanted to thank you for saving my life,” she finally says after a few panels of “hummina hummina hummina”. Then Mattie starts rambling about her life spiraling out of control, how she thought she met a “cool” older guy. “We went out once, and all of a sudden I don’t even know where I am half the time…”

Jones sympathizes with the girl. The apologies are not necessary and all that, yada yada yada. Mattie presents Jones with a gift: It’s a front-page newspaper clipping with the headline “SUPERHERO TEAM UP TRIO SAVE MYSTERY TEEN FROM DRUG DEALING PARASITES”.

Before Mattie and Mrs. Jameson walk out of the office, Jones stops them with a nagging question. When Mattie was in Jones’ apartment she had said something like “They lied to me.” “Who told you to come to my house?” she asks. “Who did you think I was? Jessica Drew?”

Mattie doesn’t even remember being in Jones’ apartment! Sorry! No answer for you today! Jones grimaces with frustrations.

That evening, Scott waits for Jones by her office building. She rebukes him for not calling for the last six weeks. He claims he was discouraged because she yelled at him after he asked if she was raped. So he thought “Life’s too short for crazy.” Heh heh, isn’t that interesting? Uhm.

Jones calls this the worst apology in the history of the universe and of apologies in general, sir. She tells him to shove his head up an ant’s ass. And also, stick your little boner in a electrical soc–

“I think I’m in love with you,” Scott says. Oof. Then he retracts, saying that he didn’t mean to blurt it out while they were yelling at each other. He apologizes some more with words that are a little less shitty. “You’re a better person than you think you are,” he tells her. “You’re prettier than you think you are. You’re all those things… There, that’s what I meant to say.”

She stares at him with half-lidded eyes for a moment. “Uggghh! Fuck!! Fuck!! I’m so mad at you and you do this now. Fuck!!”

He asks her out on a date. She says “Fuck!!” again, then requests a fancy date. “Better be damn fancy. You got a lot riding on it.”

Final Thoughts

That’s a wrap! What an underwhelming story about child trafficking and, uh, weird superhero blood-based drugs.

What adventures are in store next for Jessica Jones? Underground Nazi mutant aliens? Cold cans of SpaghettiOs? Some of that good ol’ Scott Lang dick? Let’s hope for SpaghettiOs.


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Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Down Below”

* Part 3 of 5 of the There Is No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Down Below”! In the previous installment, Keeve and Crew (Sskeer and a couple of bald bastards named Ceret and Terec) discover a ship that has been completely destroyed by the Nihil. Sskeer obliterates the only remaining Nihil survivor during a well-timed Vietnam flashback while the rest of the crew discovers a dead Hutt and a shipment of bacta-producing herbs and spices!

Sskeer and Ceret travel to Sedri Minor where there are crops of barley aplenty. Ceret gets attacked by some tentacled thing in the fields, and that was the cliffhanger. Like we’re all supposed to care about Ceret! I certainly don’t care about Ceret! Fuck Ceret! I hope he’s totally dead!

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [May, 2021]
Written by: Cavan Scott
“Down Below”

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Sskeer shrieks on the ship, and Terec correctly assumes that Sskeer has been possessed by some nefarious darkness! But he’s one to talk: he’s frothing at the mouth. “You must calm yourself, Jedi,” says Avar Kriss, but Terec will not calm himself! Quite the opposite, in fact! “How can we, Avar Kriss? You don’t understand. We’ve already lost.”

When Sskeer points out that Terec his lost his goddamned fuckhole mind, Kriss points out that it is he who slaughtered a Nihil in cold blood in a sexual rage! “Hmp–like you’ve never made a mistake,” Sskeer says, waving the whole thing off. Then Sskeer punches Terec in the face. lol

“It’s not supposed to be like this,” Keeve thinks. “I’m a Jedi Knight. I’m supposed to to help. I’m supposed to know what to do. And yet I’m out here standing guard while my former master loses his mind.

A couple of Sedri Minor children approach Keeve with a basket of bread. Keeve is thankful for the gesture, but they have food of their own: tubes of gunk like the astronauts eat. That doesn’t stop a young alien couple approaching Keeve with an offering of their own: Samana spiced loaf. It takes like strawberries and feces!

I’m probably supposed to know what alien race they are because if I’m reading Star Wars comics then I already have encyclopedic knowledge of all Star Wars content, right? Well, I don’t fucking know, so fuck me in the ass! When asked if Keeve thinks her friends are all right, Keeve gives a canned “the Force is probably with them, you know?” response. The alien man tells her that their son Julus has disappeared in the fields, too. And many others, besides. Five, to be exact. “Some say the planet is cursed. First the crops fail, and then this… and no one will do anything.” Well, someone’s an ungrateful little bastard, aren’t they? Count your blessings, especially since your missing child kind of sucks anyway.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3

What’s up, Kal Sulman? You appear to be pleasingly plump! Want some Samana spiced loaf??

A dude named Kal Sulman enters the scene all huffy and puffy, insisting that their community has nothing to do with the disappearances. Keeve fesses up that the Hutts and the Nihil may be involved, and that the barley from the ship came from Sedri Minor. Kal Sulman will hear none of it! This is all made-up hooey! They’ll deal with it without Jedi interference! Good day! I said good day!

“The Jedi don’t need your food, and they certainly don’t need your rumor-mongering,” he chastises the locals. Keeve is like “oh shit, I didn’t mean to get anyone in trouble” and doesn’t know what to do. She can’t even go to the Masters right now because they’re otherwise occupied.

But, do something she must.

So Keeve whips out her lightsaber and hacks her way through the thickets of the field, destroyed crops left and right like a true asshole. Suddenly, she hears a rustling… “Who’s there? Show yourself,” she says, readying her blade. A child comes out of the crops in awe of the lightsaber, and Keeve tells him to never sneak up on a Jedi again or he’ll be CLEFT IN TWAIN. “I didn’t know you could sneak up on a Jedi,” the kid says, calling Keeve out. She hems and haws, clearly flustered.

The kid leads Keeve deeper into the field. “We should look for your friend… and Julus too. You’ll like Julus. He’s funny.”

The kid is named Bartol, and he already knows Keeve’s name because Sskeer yelled it earlier. “He yells a lot,” Bartol points out correctly. Keeve shuts the kid up; she feels a shadow lurking in the midst. Then they come upon an enormous sinkhole, which seems odd in the middle of a field such as this. Bartol thinks it’s boring to just stare at the sinkhole, so he jumps right in! And then Bartol dies and no one cares.

Actually, Keeve catches him with the Force. The Force wins again! Keeve leaps down herself and lands gracefully as she places Bartol down gingerly. Then she gets that Spidey-Sense thing again that tells her something nefarious is prowling around. “And it knows we’re coming.”

Meanwhile, Terec is lying wide-eyed on a gurney, passed out. Both Kriss and Sskeer are like “I ‘unno what’s going on!” and it’s probably some dark side shit. And Kriss is in the middle of giving Sskeer the business when Maru rings her on the ol’ comm. They’re dissecting the dead Hutt for clues! “Grand Master Lahru was most perturbed when I told him you had requested an autopsy,” Maru says. Kriss tells him to keep going and who cares.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Kal Sulman strikes again! Here, have some more Samana spiced loaf!

Kal Sulman thinks he has the balls to address Avar Kriss with indignity! “The girl you left guarding your ship? Where is she? She has no right sneaking around. None of you do.” Sskeer tells him that they’re trying to protect his people, to which Sulman harumphs! “By continually losing your own? I feel safer already.”

Kriss suggests looking for Keeve with him. That way he can feel included, which is what he wants anyway, right? Sskeer, you stay on the fucking ship and don’t let Terec out of your sight. Don’t screw this up or we’ll take away your spiced loaf.

Keeve and Bartol are going through a dark cave lit only by Keeve’s extremely bright saber. She senses dark side up the wazoo. What tipped her off? Somone says the following in extremely dark speech balloons: “You will be consumed. All will be consumed.” It hurts Keeve’s head, these dark side mumblings. If only there was some light side stuff to cancel it all out!

Bartol goes on ahead, then suddenly screams. Keeve catches up with him and discovers Ceret hanging upside down by a tangle of vines. Julus is next to him. “What’s happened to them?” Bartol says with extreme consternation. Keeve cuts them down, but neither seem to be responding to external stimuli. Not even a little crotch rub. Looks like Julus is dead for sure! Sorry kiddo.

Bartol slams his fists against Keeve’s back in grief. Keeve turns around and gives him a hug. And then she says “but Ceret seems to still be alive lol. Let’s check.”

In a real bonehead move, Keeve gives Bartol the lightsaber to use as a flashlight. “Just try not to lose an arm, ‘kay?” she says as she checks on Ceret. A worm is halfway into Ceret’s ear. “What are these things?”

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Well, you could have told me that before I ate half of this steak tartare.

“Keeve Trennis… beware,” says Ceret before a tendril grabs Bartol’s leg. Keeve Forces the saber to cut off the tendril and Bartol runs free safely. Or is he? No meat is safe, apparently.

NOT FROM THE DRENGIR! A huge, horrible, tendril-filled monster crying for meat! Run! Ruuun!

“It has them now…” says Terec, sitting up on his gurney in a fugue. “the darkness.”

Sskeer puts his scaly hand on Terec’s forehead and tells him to center himself, damnit! “NO!” Terec screams in Darkside-ese. Suddenly, he spits out a mist of inky blackness right into Sskeer’s less-than-handsome face! “Poor Jedi,” Terec says, overcome with dark side energy. “So lost… so alone. Come with us, Sskeer – we can make you whole.”

Ceret, meanwhile, is also compromised. As he grabs Bartol, Keeve looks behind her with frustration. “Come on, Ceret – don’t I have enough to deal with?” she says, fending off the Drengir. The monster starts grabbing Keeve’s head and it’s most certainly a messy death for the young Jedi Knight… until Avar Kriss’ lightsaber penetrates the cave ceiling and cuts down the Drengir in half. Now “that’s” what I “call” a “badass move”.

She notices that Ceret is acting like a dingus, so she holds her hand out and insists that Ceret comes back to the Light. Good thing Avar Kriss is the best Jedi to ever Jedi, because Ceret snaps out of it immediately. Keeve assures Bartol that they’ll get out of there and back home, leading the kid into a false sense of security for sure, because the two halves of Drengir form two different Drengirs! “There is no essscape–” one says scarily! Now Sskeer shows up saying stuff like a dark side mofo. “–the harvessst will be bountiful. The harvessst will be pure.”

Final Thoughts

WHAT A DOOZY OF A STORY. How is anyone getting out of this alive when monsters and Jedi alike are dark-siding up the place with its stinky putrescence? Only Trump can save us now!


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Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #0 – “Bright New Yesterday”

* Standalone Issue *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #0 – “Bright New Yesterday”! A fucking zeroth issue? Yes, bitch. A fucking zeroth issue!

Do we get to see a prelude to this whole Owl nonsense? What was Batman even doing before that whole debacle started? Jerking off? Because that would be an immensely good use of time, I always say!

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #0 [November, 2012]
Written by: Scott Snyder
“Bright New Yesterday”

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #0

Gotham City – Six Years Ago

A man named Sam holds a dedication ceremony for the New Gotham National Bank! And the crowd goes wild! A crowd of about 11 people. He cuts a cake shaped like a bank. It’s a pretty detailed cake! It would win on one of those, you know, cake shows.

Not twenty seconds after Sam christens the bank does a gaggle of bandits break in! All are wearing red masks except for the head honcho, who wears half of a giant red pill on his head. Time to make history repeat itself! It works like it did at the old bank: Get down on the ground and shut up while they rob the place blind! Make sense?

Sam grumbles about how they “have no right”, as if that mattered. Red Hood Five, as he’s called, knocks Sam in the head with the butt of his gun, breaking it with his skull. Sam bleeds out on the floor, and he didn’t even get to enjoy that cake!

Pill Head throws Red Hood Five a new gun and instructs him to take his mask off and shoot himself through the brain with it. Because not only does the real Red Hood five enjoy killing instead of butting, he’s also left-handed. “You, whoever you are, Mister Policeman… Five you are not.”

So here’s the deal, asshole. Blow your brains out, or they’ll take you back to their hideout to torture you and all that other fun stuff. We’re talking tickling with feathers. Brutal stuff.

The cop says okay, okay, but don’t hurt anyone else in the bank. Too bad he’s not using his fucking eyes to see or anything like that, because everyone else in the bank is foaming at the mouth.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #0

There was too much laundry detergent in my piece!

Red Pill instructs Fake Five to stick that gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. Now. “…Come on, already, will you? This is getting old.”

In the splittest of seconds, Fake Five knocks Red Pill with the butt of his gun (as is his trademark). We learn that this fucker is just Bruce Wayne with a horrible goatee. “Stupid, Bruce. Stupid,” he chastises himself as he starts kicking the crap out of Red Pill. “Should have done your homework. Should have taken more time studying him and the whole gang. But no, you wanted to get into the Red Hood Gang before the robbery. See them in action. As Alfred would say… ‘be careful what you wish for, Bruce.’”

Red Pill starts shooting at Bruce as he hides behind a knocked-over table. Then Bruce hurls one of them Batman-style smoke bombs that Batman always has! As he hobbles his way to the front door, he gets caught by police who start shooting at him as well. This is all shaking out to be very funny indeed!

“HE’S GOT SOMETHING IN HIS HAND!” yells one cop. Bruce has nothing in his hand.

“IT’S A GUN! I THINK IT’S A GUN!” yells another cop. Again, Bruce has nothing in his hand.

The Red Hood Gang emerges from the smoky bank and start firing at the cops while Bruce covers his ears and ducks. Bruce throws himself under a cop car and through a manhole as the firing continues. He rips off his stupid goatee-faced mask and hops onto a Bat-Bike just waiting there for him in the sewer. The Red Hood Gang, who all happen to be suddenly waiting for him under an aqueduct, opens fire.

“Are those gunshots, sir?” asks Alfred from the comm. “Sir?” Bruce doesn’t answer his faithful butler, but instead speeds down the sewers at 450mph and directly into his brownstone (as Alfred calls it). That sure was exciting, wasn’t it kids? Consider me thoroughly excited.

This brownstone seems to be pre-Batcave. Even pre-Batman! This brownstone is forty feet from where Bruce’s parents were killed. “This is where my war begins,” he says. Alfred snidely asks how the war is going, and Bruce says it’s coming along swimmingly, thank you for asking. He has the technology. He has the weapons. He just needs to be clandestine about it all.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #0

Perhaps this extra piece of Bank Cake will help stir the ol’ imagination.

Alfred hounds Bruce to get back to the manor; something there will help. Bruce needs to find Bruce again, or something to that effect. “Bruce Wayne isn’t important anymore,” says Bruce Wayne, who still stands there as Bruce Wayne. “He’s a mask. This is all I need to be. It’s who I am.”

Pardon Alfred’s French, but being a Wayne is the only important thing about you, sir. If you weren’t a Wayne, you’d be nothing. You’d be, like, a Jones. And until you recognize that, this isn’t going to work for shit.

Bruce doesn’t want to hear Alfred’s French! He’s got a fancy new boomerang that he’s going to try on the roof! Don’t wait up!

While Bruce boomerangs his butt off, the brownstone gets an unexpected visitor. Alfred brings the red-headed, mustachioed man up to the roof. Lieutenant Gordon, at your service. Bruce tries to excuse themselves from the roof, but Gordon wants to light one up. Fine. Make yourself at home, pig.

“How can I help you, Lieutenant?” Bruce asks with a wry look in his devilish eye.

“Frankly, Mr. Wayne, I’m not sure you can. From what I understand, you haven’t been very involved in the workings of Wayne Enterprises since you returned to Gotham three months ago, is that right?”

Bruce has an answer for everything, the sly dog! He’s been traipsing around Asia and the like for four years, he doesn’t know Thing One about running a Gotham business. So skedaddle, you rugged old so-and-so.

Gordon doesn’t like Bruce’s lack of involvement, because Wayne Enterprises (in the hands of Philip Kane) seems to be spitting and pissing on normal regulations. Illegal stuff, see? Felonies, see? Bruce asks for proof, but Gordon sighs and shrugs his limp little shoulders and tells Bruce he’s got absolutely nothing but hearsay.

ANYWAY, back to other business. There seems to be a vigilante in the neighborhood, sneaking around at night and stopping crimes. Stopping crimes with advanced tech, to boot. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ANYONE YOU KNOW? Keep an eye out, would ya?

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #0

I dare you to look into my big, beautiful, blue eyes and refuse to kiss me, Lieutenant.

Gordon tells this punk that anyone who may know about this vigilante and is hiding the facts is going to prison. ALL BASED ON HEARSAY, MIND.

When asked what any of this has to do with Bruce, Gordon tells him that it’s a bit odd to plant a base in Crime Alley when he could be hanging out in his mansion… if he should cross paths with this vigilante, it might be… eye-opening…

Anyway, a spot of tea and a scoot off to bed! Lieutenant, it’s time for you to fuck off on out of here!

Later that night, the Red Hood Gang stake out Bruce’s HQ. They’re going to blow the whole thing sky high! And! And! TO BE CONTINUED? ARE YOU YANKIN’ ME? Sigh…

We are treated to a second story entitled “Tomorrow”. Barbara Gordon asks her father, Jimmy Jam Gordon, why he’s being crazy. All planning to turn the justice system upside-down. All trying to elevate Batman to hero status instead of menace status. It smacks of favoritism! And we all know what happens to Lieutenants who are guilty of favoritism? *guillotine*

“The people out there… they think he’s nothing but a myth… a bogeyman for criminals that the press came up with to sell papers. We have to change that, Barbara. Otherwise, there’s no hope for the future of this city.”

Meanwhile, a teenager named Timothy (Tim Drake?) is getting scolded by Principal Nutsack for tampering with Mr. Archer’s computer and using electronic devices that are specifically banned from the school. Expulsion is the medicine that the doctor ordered here, and you can take that to the bank!

Timothy is confident that he won’t be expelled, and Principal Fuckhead asks why not? “There’s a few reasons, actually…” Timothy smiles. “For one, you’re about to find out that I aced the latest aptitude test that you forced on me to prove that I’m cheating on my exams. (I’m not, by the way). And you’re not going to throw out the best student in the school.”

I hate this kid already. Someone throw a rock at his face.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #0

This is the part where we find out that he planted a very elaborate car bomb, the little rascal.

This kid knows that Principal Assface has taken $1.6 million from the academy over the last decade. In fact, he has the whole money trail on his iPhone 4S! “I mean… how stupid does a man have to be to use his school e-mail to solicit money for academic projects that don’t exist?”

Very shrewd, young man! Sounds like a spanking is nigh!

A knock on the door signals that the police are here to take Principal Dipshit into custody and make him rot behind bars!

Meanwhile again, a couple of Red Hoods try sticking up a convenience store. They don’t look armed, so that’s already a dumb move. Then one of them introduces himself as Jason, which causes the other Red Hood to poke him in the eyes like Moe and Curly.

Oh, ok, the one that’s not dumb is armed, and he does a dumb move like shoot a woman right in the face. Whoops! Outside the store, Jason starts whaling on Red Hood #2 (Chris). He told him there were no bullets in the gun! He told him no one would get hurt! A cop comes to pull Jason off of Chris. That’s the end of this story. Jason is Jason Todd from Red Hood and the Outlaws, one of the worst comic series I’ve had the displeasure of reading! Let’s move on from this unpleasantness forever.

And finally, Dick Grayson is doing acrobatics in a circus tent until a patron steals a woman’s purse. “Let’s keep the clowning to the professionals!” he hollers as he leaps down from his tightrope and kicks the man in the face.

Then there’s a Batsignal in the sky. Grayson goes “Whoa.” Jason goes “…” Timothy goes “So freaking cool…” And then all these Robins proceed to have sex with each other.

Unveiling his Batsignal, Gordon calls the device a secret hope for justice in Gotham. For a better tomorrow. “Anyone who actually stands for what’s right in this wicked town… they need all the belief they can get.”

Barbara stares at the signal all like “buhhhhhhh”

Final Thoughts

Touching! Issue #0 ain’t no zero that’s for sure! Let’s keep the clowning to the professionals! Seacrest out.


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