Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “The Underneath (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones learns that Denny and his friends are drugging Mattie Franklin and using her to extract superhero guts from her body to smoke it and get real fuckin’ high man. Isn’t that gross?

Jones gets punched in the face and sent to the emergency room. Before that though, Ben Urich was sent by Jameson to spy on her. He’s looking for Mattie Franklin, too. Let him know if you see her.

At the end, Jones gets attacked by Jessica Drew in her apartment. She’s the original Spider-Woman, and she’s looking for Mattie Franklin, too.

So, everyone is looking for Mattie Franklin! It’s a real Mattie Franklin search party! The excitement never wanes!

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20 [June, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Underneath (Part 5)”

Jessica Drew knows that Jessica Jones is the last person to see Mattie. So, cough it up. Where is the little bitch? And do you know what Jessica Jones has to say about that? “Yiiiiaarrggh!! Gggsshh… Aagh!” Oh yeah, she’s getting electrocuted or something. That’s not helping the talking.

With the stoicism of a psychopath, Drew asks one more time where Mattie is. Or else she’ll really ramp up the voltage. Finally able to talk again, Jones is like “look, cunt, I tried to call you.” And she did, that’s true! Drew doesn’t know that, though, and Jones advises the kind woman to check her fucking answering machine once in a while.

So she gets out her phone and checks her answering machine, which is what you still did back in 2004.

“You called me.”

“Yes.”

“Huh.”

Now that that awkwardness is behind us forever, let’s get down to brass tacks. Oh wait, brass tacks can wait. Jones socks Drew in the face and tackles her over the kitchen table. While Drew is out cold, Jones answers her phone – a call from Ben Urich. Jameson would like to see her, please. “Okay… but tell him I’m not coming alone.”

Urich, Jones, and Drew sit on one couch. Jameson and his wife sit on the other. The silence is deafening. Jameson doesn’t know what to say, so he gets up and starts pacing the room a little bit. “Please forgive my husband,” says Mrs. Jameson. “They warned us. Everybody warned us that that taking in an orphan was going to be trouble.”

Mrs. Jameson badmouths orphans for a spell before Jones admits she’s an orphan. Without missing a beat, Mrs. Jameson says something to the effect of “NO, YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO SAW MATTIE LAST!”

Sorry I webbed all over your couch, ma’am. I got excited.

Urich had told the Jamesons what Denny and his lovely friends are doing with Mattie. They are besides themselves with outrage, sadness, fear, and some ennui, actually. So then they get into it a little bit. Mattie’s father was J. Jonah’s closest friend. They took Mattie in when her father died, and he treated her like his own daughter. WHO KNEW, RIGHT? THE MAN HAS A HEART! And he’s getting older, right? So there’s that, of course. Uhm…

Jonah didn’t know that Mattie has abilities, but Mrs. Jameson knew a little bit. They hid this from Jonah because he “has issues with the concept of a masked vigilante”. And now that she’s dressing like Spider-Man, of all superheroes! That’s an lol.

The Jamesons don’t know exactly how long she’s been missing because they’ve been busy, ok? Jesus, enough with the third degree. And no, the police aren’t involved because “they’re Jonah’s enemies”. Besides, they’ll just kill her. (?)

So please help, Jessica Jones. Please. Please. Please. Please! Please?

Yeah, sure. So, back in Jones’ office, Jones uses the internet to scope out clues which Drew calls cheating. “People hired you to find someone, they want you to go out and find someone. Not look it up online and cash the check.”

She sees a picture of Jones with Carol Danvers, floored that she knows her too. This causes Drew to finally soften up a little bit, and she apologizes for almost killing Jones in her own apartment.

Right? The Avengers are a pile of sluts and I have the sultry photos to prove it.

They shoot the shit a little bit, nothing that’s worth repeating here. Eventually, Jones finds what they’re looking for and they head out to scope Denny’s place of residence.

“How do you want to handle this?” Drew asks.

“I say grab her and run, and fuck the rest of it.”

“Yeah me too.”

So we have a plan! I like it! They mosey on up to the front door of the apartment building and bust the fuck in. Then they strut up to Denny’s unit and bust the fuck in. Then they —

No one’s there, but he left his phone. At least it seems like no one’s there. They check under the bed and in the closet. It’s making Jones tense and anxious, like he’s going to leap out from somewhere all naked, dick flapping in the breeze, and strangle her to death.

Speaking of death, Jones is worried that they’re going to kill this poor, wretched, high-all-the-time girl. Drew calls an Agent Jeff Hunt for information on Denny – credit cards, plane tickets, sexual proclivities, favorite hamburger toppings, anything. Oh, a hotel? Fantastic! The Matador in Manhattan? Rit-zy!

They goad the concierge at the desk to give them Denny’s room number by looking giggly and sexy. Room 755. That’s, let’s see, on the seventh floor? 55 rooms from the elevator? Sounds fishy, but ok.

Nothing to see here in ol’ room seven-five-five. Business as usual. Completely normal and good.

“Mattie, wake your dumb ass up! Bitch, get up!!! Fuck, is she dead? If she’s dead, I am so screwed.” All this and more comes from the other side of the door. Drew uses her electric powers to open the door and finds a room full of mooks with Mattie passed out on the bed.

And then the shit goes down.

Final Thoughts

TO BE CONCLUDED. Will Mattie wake her dumb ass up? Will Jones even get paid for this nonsense? Probably not on both counts. Sorry.