Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10 – “Rescuer”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Girl in the World storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10 – “Rescuer”! In the previous installment, Supergirl and the Silver Banshee fight the Black Banshee.

That’s it.

That’s all.

Oh yeah, uh, the Black Banshee sucked Supergirl up into himself and now he’s even stronger! This won’t bode well for Black Banshee’s daughter, who’s going to get sent to her room in about three pages.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10 [August, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Rescuer”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10

Per the cover art, Supergirl is going to take advantage of the whole sucked-up-into-the-void situation by riding a demon shadow dinosaur! “TRAPPED IN THE WORLD OF BLACK BANSHEE!” It’s like Jurassic Park without all the shaking Jell-O.

We start off “Somewhen”. The comic doesn’t even know when this is, that’s how arbitrary it is. We’re on Krypton before it went explody, and Kara is undergoing a procedure that she accidentally fell asleep during. No one has ever fallen asleep during such a procedure before, so this shit is unacceptable with a capital U, even though I didn’t capitalize it. Just pretend I did. “I hope my daughter’s… inattentiveness will not affect the results,” Kara’s mother, Alura, says. I hope it does affect the results, personally. Don’t fall asleep during class if you can’t pay the troll toll.

The procedure was a genescan for a Matching Ritual, one that her father would disapprove of. Kara remembers this, but now she’s living it again? Something’s rotten in the state of Black Banshee Void. Maybe it’s just a very vivid memory? But then it suddenly shifts to a new one where Kara and Alura travel to the Firefalls (which looks like an ugly pit of active volcanos, somewhere I’d never visit unless there were promises of cookies). Alura still talks about the Matching Ritual, though, and she’s quite embarrassed that Kara fell asleep. She’ll surely be cutting a switch today!

Kara doesn’t want to do the ritual either. It’s some arranged marriage shit, and her parents didn’t have to do it! They found each other in college and fucked a lot in the dorms while Alura’s roommate was lying awake in the top bunk.

Once Alura concedes and tells her daughter that she doesn’t have to do the ritual if she doesn’t want to (bringing shame on House El, of course), Kara realizes that the conversation is skewed. She realizes that none of this is how it happened.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10

Hey, did you hear the one about the woman with two black eyes…?

Alura gets all strange and demon-y. Almost in a trance, she walks off their platform and down, down, down the Firefalls while Kara screams. “These aren’t memories! This is a nightmare!” She now remembers fighting Black Banshee. She now remembers getting absorbed by the beast and hoping that her immense energy would destroy him.

“I’M AFRAID IT DIDN’T QUITE WORK AS YE PLANNED, LASS,” says a creepy apparition that makes itself known before her. “OH YES INDEED… I CAN HEAR YER THOUGHTS HERE. I CAN SEE YER MEMORIES. I CAN FEEL YER FEAR. BECAUSE HERE, I RULE. WELCOME, GIRL… WELCOME INSIDE THE BANSHEE!”

*festive music plays, a hostess hands her a pile of Chuck E. Cheese tokens*

Kara finds herself wearing Kryptonian battle armor, which is blue and sleek and has abdominal muscles. Black Banshee’s Insides finds that really quaint. A costume spurred by the memory of a father’s love, eh? WELL IT WON’T WORK! *gnashes gums*

Black Banshee surmises that the vision of Kara is residual energy from her soul that wasn’t fully absorbed, perhaps because she’s Too Damn Strong. Good thing he can just kill it and be done with it fast! Like this *whack*. I mean, this *whack*. Get back here you little brat. *whack whack thump*

He does knock Kara down off the platform, and since her ability to fly has been shot, she plummets down the depths of the Firefalls. She lands in the lava, which changes into fresh, ambient-temperature water. Another memory! What excitement awaits now??

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10

Those cold, dead Vincent Kartheiser eyes…

Kara finds herself in the Crystalline Forest where her parents first met (and fucked and woke up their Crystalline Forest roommate). A strange young man lifts her out of the lake she found herself in. His name is Tom and he’s Irish as Shit.

Looks like these two are Black Banshee Absorption Buddies! Anyway, get used to it. Tom’s been there for like 10 years and he has to keep reliving his dreadful nightmares over and over. There’s one where he had to eat rock-hard pudding. Scary! Anyway, he’s Siobhan’s bro. Nice to meet you, lady. Wait, Siobhan’s alive? Is she hot? No wait, that’s a weird question. Never mind.

So Kara catches Tom up on the goings-on of Siobhan. She’s the Silver Banshee! Like, the good banshee, maybe. Anyway, Kara has an idea on how to bust out of this joint. Her power made him stronger, but she still has some power left in her. She has to make that power stronger!… it’s a really bad plan, but I’m not here to judge.

“Siobhan’s out there alone,” Kara says, suddenly brandishing some sort of energy sword. “But if your father’s manifesting inside with us here, that gives us something to fight back agai–”

A KAKOOM sends them both flying backward. Black Banshee Innards thanks Kara for finding Tom! He’s been running loose like a rat for years! Too bad you failed at thwarting Dear Ol’ Dad, Tommy. He needs the blood of the one with the mark — Dear Ol’ Daughter. You understand, right son?

Anyway, death time! But Kara’s ready to fight back with her convenient new sword. She jumps on the apparition’s back and waits until the moment… is just right… to STRIKE!… wait for it… NOW!… wait for it… NOW! RIGHT NOW! DO IT NOW! SLASH SLASH SLASH!… wait for it…

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #10

Then turn two into four, four into eight, eight into sixteen, and keep going until you’re buried in octillions of swords and the universe collapses upon itself.

Channeling her magic Yellow Sun Power of No Consistent Rules Whatsoever, she is able to transform one sword into two! Now she can swish and flip them around like a theatric pro! “You hurt my friend, Monster!” Kara shrieks. “You stole my power! And now – I’M TAKING IT BACK!”

She slams two swords in its back. Black Banshee’s Creepy Ghost Formation of Doom and Such screams in a flash of blinding yellow light.

“What have ye done, girl?!” Black Banshee – the physical Black Banshee fighting his daughter — weakly cries as he collapses on the street in pain and agony and *checks thesaurus* heartbreak. Silver Banshee takes this moment of distraction to suck her father up into her own special little void. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” she laughs. “I’VE DONE IT! I CAN’T EVEN FEEL HIM INSIDE!” she yells triumphantly. I’ll let you come up with your own incest joke here.

Kara and Tom find themselves standing on the street while Silver Banshee cackles and jubilates. She’s about to lose control again, but then she morphs back into good ol’ Siobhan once she notices her brother standing there looking just as he did the day she lost him in the couch cushions.

“Oh, Kara, ye did it!” she says, hugging her friend. “Somehow ye brought him back to me!”

Tom can’t believe the sexy little piece he sees before her! How she’s grown! How long has he been trapped? Like… twelve years, one hundred fourteen days, six hours, six minutes, and forty-one seconds? Damn.

Don’t celebrate too soon, now. The helicopters are still trying to gun down Blondie. Just fucking great. No worries, Kara will just grab both Siobhan and Tom and fly them out of there, scaring the absolute buttshit out of Tom in the process. lmao

“Elsewhere” (it’s kinda like “Somewhen”), some douchebag developed a camouflage suit and he intends to go kill Supergirl. I don’t know who this is or why I should care, but clearly the Black Banshee story is over and we’ll going to “seamlessly” transition into another one. The end.

Final Thoughts

I already gave my final thoughts, they’re just buried up there among the paragraphs. Look closely and you can see them. Closer… closer… *pokes out eyes Three Stooges-style*


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Octavia, Chapter 3 – Shelter

Thousand Year Old Vampire is a lonely solo role-playing game in which you chronicle the unlife of a vampire over the many centuries of their existence, beginning with the loss of mortality and ending with their inevitable destruction.
Previous Journal Entries:
The Beginning • Bloodthirsty

Horrified at your new nature, you withdraw from society. Where do you hide? How do you feed? Create a stationary Resource which shelters you.

It has been five weeks since I killed Livius. Once I came back to my senses, I was horrified at what had happened. What had I become? What had Benizzone done to me? I can’t even remember. I let myself be seduced and now I eat people? It’s bizarre.

After I killed Livius, I panicked. I can only imagine the inhuman noises that I must have been making during the carnage — snarling, growling. The house is very small — a main living area with a fireplace and a cooking pot, and two separate quarters for sleeping — and, surely, if anyone was there they would have heard what transpired. I had left the broom closet to face only silence — and the excruciating pain that I now endured from the rising sun. My instincts had told me that it would only get worse as the sun rose higher in the sky during these harsh summer months, so I ran back to the bedroom I shared with my younger siblings (all of whom were absent from the room, presumably up early to play in the fields while my father and older brothers were tending the crops) and snatched my heavy blanket. I usually had it tucked away during the season; I must have grabbed it in a daze before falling into heavy sleep last night.

The fields were behind the house, so this was my only chance to escape the scene of the gruesome, inexcusable crime I had committed. Blanket over my body to shield me from the effects of the sun, I bolted from the door of our house and ran as fast as I could. Running, running, I did not stop. Miles I must have run, easily, until I came across the large woodlands. Dense with trees, the woodlands made a suitable enough protection from the low sun. I reasoned that I didn’t have much time before I was in peril — perhaps the sun could kill me if I was unprotected — and my vision was impaired by the blanket, so I scrambled to find shelter. Anything, even if it was temporary.

After much aimless wandering, after much acceptance that I was far from civilization, after realizing that I may not be able to find my way back home, I came across a cave etched in a tall cliff by a trickling stream. Wary of bears and other dangerous woodland creatures, I explored the small cave and found no evidence of a dwelling. No discarded bones, no sticks or twigs for makeshift bedding. I felt that this was a safe haven until the sun set. Until then, I squatted in the cave waiting. Waiting and hungry…

This brings me to the present day. Emerging from the cave only at night, I eventually got a feel for the woods and am able to subsist on the blood of rabbits, foxes, deer and other creatures during the day that would be safe to capture and kill without fear of retaliation. In fact, I am quite surprised at my strength. I’ve always been swift and lithe as a trained assassin, but this is power unlike I’ve ever experienced. It’s actually quite exhilarating! After a time, I was able to get my bearings in the woods and even find my way out near Tuscany. I spend my evening prowling the nearly empty streets and slitting the throats of beggars and degenerates that litter some of the more unsavory parts of the city, feasting on their delicious blood and keeping up my endurance. I find that I don’t require much, if any, sleep. Feasting is all I need to keep me from feeling weak.

I break into homes and steal supplies. Extra weapons, mostly, for hunting bears. Materials for building fires for the surprising chilly evenings in the cave. Books from the nobles’ extensive libraries to fend off boredom. And plenty of candles. I also take an empty leather-bound book for chronicling my thoughts and feelings, helping to come to terms with my new life. I realize that I will have to find a more permanent living arrangement. Perhaps the cemeteries in Tuscany. Or, even better, the catacombs under the city. The catacombs are empty of people and creatures save for rats, which I no longer fear.

I plan at nightfall to explore the catacombs and find a sizeable chamber for residing during the day. The thought almost excites me. The city is heavily populated. A never-ending feast awaits!

Skills:
Assassinating
Smooth-Talking
Sneaking
Bloodthirsty

Resources:
Dagger
Slingshot
Locket
Cave in the Woods
Diary

Mark:
A permanent blood-red discoloration of the iris of my right eye

Mortals:
Octavius Caesonius, my father; a farmer

Claudius Marcus, my mentor; an assassin

Livius Lucanus, my eldest brother; mean-spirited and ignorant

Immortal:
Bonizzone Petruccio, high-level secretary in King Charles V’s court; handsome and cunning

Memory #1
I am Octavia Maria, first daughter of Octavius Caesonius, a farmer; born on a small farm outside of Tuscany in 1503; I am a 21-year-old female assassin.

Memory #2
My father gifts me with a slingshot for my ninth name day; I immediately kill two moles running around the potato patch from fifty yards away.

Memory #3
Claudius gifts me with a special silver dagger with a ruby on the hilt after I complete my assassin training.

Memory #4
Livius steals my locket and throws it up on the barn rafters; I spend hours trying to climb up to the ceiling and throwing stones at the rafter to knock it down.

Memory #5
Bonizzone hires me to be his private assassin shortly before biting my neck and turning me; the iris of my right eye turns a permanent blood-red color.

My first kill, my eldest brother, Livius Lucanus; I drink his blood, the sensation is wonderful; I am a 21-year-old vampire.

Memory #6
I find shelter in a cave in the woods between the farm and Tuscany; I subsist on woodland creatures during the day, beggars and degenerates in Tuscany at night.

Diary

Memory #2
My father gifts me with a slingshot for my ninth name day; I immediately kill two moles running around the potato patch from fifty yards away.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 12: “The Amyrlin Seat”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Siuan the Aes Sedai Top Dog paces around her chambers looking at a box that will explode if anybody but her tries to open it, destroying its delicious contents of beef jerky. Actually, I’m not sure what it contains. They don’t specify.

Siuan was a fisherman’s daughter from Tear. She could end up poor and friendless again if things don’t go perfectly. Verin enters her chambers for an audience, which Siuan grants. Leane, the really attractive-sounding Keeper of Chronicles, is not allowed to stay as she usually is able to in these circumstances, which makes her slightly suspicious. She acquiesces nonetheless…

Verin is surprised to learn that Siuan warded the room from eavesdroppers, which she has never done before, so tell her EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING!. So where to start? OK, uh, you remember that Rand cracker? He declared himself the Dragon Reborn. Siuan is relieved; he seems like a good chap. The two false Dragons have been neutralized in the exact same way: they were in battle, there was a great flash in the sky, they were knocked unconscious off a horse, they were taken. This same thing happened in Falme, but Rand leaned into the flash and hung out with the ancient Heroes of the Ages of Legend of Kindness and Justice and Good Grooming.

No more false Dragons in the Pattern! We don’t have to worry about that anymore. Verin presents the Horn of Valere, which they carted all through the lands much to Siuan’s complete shock. No one ambushed them, though; most people wouldn’t expect four women and a sick kid in a litter to carry the shitty trumpet. But that’s not the only reason Siuan is shocked. It’s supposed to stay with Rand. Whhhhhat the fuck is it doing here at the White Tower. Verin suggests that it’s the safest place for it, and that Moiraine had nothing to do with the decision. It just kinda happened, you know?

Since Mat was the one who sounded the Horn, no one can really do much with the Horn if Mat is still alive. They’ll try Healing his dagger-related syphilis.

Verin has one last concern: the Seanchan. Siuan thinks this is a silly worry; they’re half a continent away. Verin points out that they are using the One Power as a weapon, and Siuan is taken aback. There’s nothing that can be done right now, but she’ll keep that information in her back pocket.

Siuan ends the chapter by asking Verin to tell her EVERYTHING — EVERYTHING — that the three girls said and did during their travels. I imagine this will take hours. Let’s move on to the next chapter while Verin bores her about how much nose-picking Elayne has been up to.


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She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “…And?”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Law and Disorder storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “…And?”! In the previous installment, Jennifer Walters is permanently green and she just quit her job at the Law Offices of Stinky and Buttfuck because they were expecting, with her connections, to bring in clients like Tony Stark and Peter Parker and Bette Midler.

LUCKILY, she got involved with a case that directly involved Tony Stark, who cut the defendant such a massive check that she was able to give Walters $150,000 for her efforts. Guess what bitches? She used the money to start her own law firm.

She’s mean and green! Better Call Wal!

…ters.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [May, 2014]
Written by: Charles Soule
“…And?”

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2

I should start calling her Jennifer Walters instead of She-Hulk from now on because it’s clear that she’s going to be green forever and I don’t to diminish her as a person by constantly referring to her as “She-Hulk”.

Anyway, She-Hulk sits at her desk with a 1000-yard stare. Tons of monthly expenses. Zero clients. She’s already regretting her decision to start her own law firm. Why would you think about it without having any clients at all? I’m not even that dumb and I once swallowed an entire bird bath.

She looks at the file folder in front of her. At least she has an active case! One in which she’s one of the many defendants, but all the same! The plaintiff is George Saywitz and he’s probably some pissy little pukeface.

A woman named Sharon King knocks on Walters’ door. “I own the building,” she says with a warm smile. “I like to take new tenants around, just let them know what’s what.” Also, the reception area has a bunch of people waiting for an interview. There’s that, too. They’re creating a massive ruckus and if you don’t calm them down, you’re kicked out of the building forever, thank you, and good night.

Walters is excited for a little tour. While the two of them jaunt through what looks like an unimportant basement area, Walters asks Sharon why she leases office space to superhero-types. It’s because no one else in New York City will because of stuff like skyrocketing insurance coverage costs from supers blowing up buildings with their magical mind powers, and playing Cannibal Corpse too loudly. Plus, Sharon has mutant powers too. She can control weather! Watch: *pees on floor* Anyway, she knows what it’s like.

Sharon drops her off at the reception desk where some bland-looking motherfuckers are waiting in chairs to interview for a paralegal job. Walters grabs a coffee for 20 seconds and everyone has left but one overweight lady with a monkey in her lap. Supposedly, everyone else was scared off by, I don’t know, the greenness of the potential boss. “Greenness” in more ways than one, maybe! I’m so clever.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2

He chases away all the snakes, so yes.

The monkey is named Hei Hei and, yes, the monkey goes wherever she goes. That includes the office every single day after she gets hired, which will happen. Walters moves on from this unpleasantness and notes that Ms. Angie Huang’s is tip top! She has done everything from installing windows to installing dictators. She does have a gap in her resume, which she explains as a temporary effort get get off the grid, so to speak. Walters is sold! Welcome to the team, Monkey Lady! You can start in seventeen weeks after Walters gets fully situated and installs a Slurpee machine in the corner, plus…

…Huang sits down at her desk.

“You want to start right now?” Walters asks.

“I’m sure there’s plenty to do,” Huang responds. She points at the case file. “Like that, for one. Is there anything I can do to help with that? Review the file, perhaps?”

“Nope.” Walters grips the file closer to her chest. “That one’s all mine.”

After a brief awkward silence, Walters picks up the phone and calls a man named Fred. This man, Fred you see, he knows that Walters has left the Law Offices of Cum and Butts and started her own firm. However, he’s all lawyered up already and wishes Walters the best of luck. Bye, now.

Walters tells Huang to go the fuck home for the day and immediately heads for the bar with a friend named something-or-other who looks like Kimmy Gibbler. Hellcat. Patsy Walker. They talk about how Walters is going to fail miserably, which is a touchy subject, so they go dancing instead.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2

I’m wasted. Let’s go kill a guy for old time’s sake.

Patsy Walker really wants to go hit something. She stands up all wobbly and starts rushing out of the bar much to Walters’ alarm. She follows her, though, because, like a good friend, she needs to hold Walker’s hair back while she barfs in a rest stop toilet.

Hellcat and She-Hulk are now suited up. Hellcat has led She-Hulk to a decrepit warehouse that, supposedly, houses an A.I.M. lab. Time to take it out, you and me. Did you bring your Molotov cocktails, honey?

She-Hulk thinks this is a really fucked up idea. “Why don’t you just go, then?!” Hellcat whines as she bum-rushes the warehouse. “You’re like all my other friends. You never support me! Get the hell out of here, She-Hulk. Who needs you?”

She-Hulk sighs despondently and follows her reckless friend in the warehouse…

…and they find nothing. I mean, there’s warehouse stuff like file cabinets and boxes full of nipple clamps, but no A.I.M. lab. Not one A.I.M. lab. Two guys in hazmat-type suits notice these two ladies right away: She-Hulk and “the one with no powers, really”. The heroes have spotted them yet, so the hazmat dudes mull over two options: a) lay low like smarties, or b) fight them like dummies. One picks the smart option. The other picks the dumb option.

Making his fashionable appearance, the dude pilots a humanoid robot with a plasma cannon of sorts. He blasts She-Hulk right in the ol’ ribcage, sending her packing. To the floor, that is. But she can’t get hurt! She’s the Lady Hulk! Hulk-Woman!

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2

You promise?

She-Hulk keeps the one guy at bay, but the other guy shows up in his own robot suit and threatens Hellcat’s life. We all collectively breathe a sigh of who-gives-a-shit, but apparently She-Hulk wants to save her friend for reasons I cannot fathom.

“Now you’re going to give her to me,” she says to Hazmat-Man.

“Why should I?”

“Because right now, I just want to get my friend home safe. That’s all I care about… right now. But if you don’t give her to me, if you hurt her… then I’m going to want to peel you out of that suit and beat you to death.”

Hazmat-Man calls her bluff. She’s an Avenger! She doesn’t hurt people! She doesn’t do bad guy shit! But She-Hulk is like, au contraire shithead. She’s not hero-ing right now. She’s barely scraping by in life right now and she’s hankerin’ for some Texas justice! Within one panel, both hazmat dudes are tied up with each other and their robot suits lay in broken piles on the floor.

She-Hulk helps her loser friend up off the floor and offers her a job at her burgeoning law firm as an investigator. Hellcat beams, and I already know that this won’t go well. She and Angie Huang will be at each other’s throats, and it’s not going to be the woman without the monkey who will win.

The next morning, and “morning” is pushing it, Walters wakes up in a half-drunken stupor and shuffles into the office at 11am. Huang chides her, but Walters is like “who gives a flying fuck, we don’t have any clients anyway and your monkey is shitting in your purse”.

The client is Kristoff Vernard, son of Victor Von Doom. He intends to defect from Latveria, and he needs Walters to help him obtain asylum in the United States. Or else!

He says all this before Walters has a chance to step two feet into her office. He looks charming. They’re going to bone each other.

Final Thoughts

THIS ISN’T VERY EXCITING SO FAR. I want some lunatic with a chainsaw to hack and slice into Walters’ office and go “I need you to help me get my kids back, please.” And then Walters can take a big, green shit on top of her own desk.

Latveria isn’t even a real place, Kristoff Vernard, you idiot. Go back to Russia.


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Sucky Funnies for October 6, 2024

It’s Sunday, and you know what that means. No, my colon cleanse is scheduled for Wednesday, and that’s a private matter thank you very much. No, it’s time to dish out another small helping of shitty comic strips. Hold onto your butts, because I sure will come Wednesday.

Let’s get this show on the road.

Curtis

Curtis - October 6, 2024

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Yeah? Yeah? You think it’s funny, Curtis? You think it’s funny, Barry? You think it’s funny that your old man fainted at the sight of a vagina opening up to the size of a basketball, expelling blood and mysterious white fluid while his suffering wife pushed your stupid melon heads out of her body?

Actually, that is pretty funny now that I say it out loud! Carry on.

Rex Morgan M.D.

Rex Morgan M.D. - October 6, 2024

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I don’t think I have it in me to enjoy reading a wholly uninteresting conversation between two men named Truck and Mud, but I am left hanging at what exactly Mud did at Lou’s bar. He made a mess, that’s for sure. A mess that couldn’t even be smoothed over with an apology. That could only mean one thing: Mud stood up on the bar, took a big shit right in front of paying customers, then proceeded to rub the shit all over this face GG Allin-style. Then when the shit started flinging, well, that made Lou a little ticked off it did.

Mud looks like the kind of guy who would rub shit all over his face, too. Dead sober. If I were Lou I’d smack him with a flyswatter.

Arlo and Janis

Arlo and Janis - October 6, 2024

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I’ve mentioned in the past how Arlo and Janis has been around since 1985 and has yet to feature a coherent punchline, or even an accidentally funny happenstance. Today they bring it to new heights by not only featuring nothing funny, but by giving us all a dark, inside look on the horrible banality of a long marriage. We’re through the looking glass people, and there’s no way back.


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