Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35!

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35 [Winter 1965-66]

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

”Getting Ready”

Archie dribbles a basketball while walking down the sidewalk with Veronica on this beautiful-ass autumn day. She looks positively livid that Archie even has a basketball with him, but Archie goes “aw shucks etc., I need to practice if I wanna try out for the team!”

Veronica kicks the thing out of his hands like a complete cunt. It bounces into the street, so be prepared for Archie to get creamed by a cement truck as he walks out to go get it.

Later, Jughead holds his arms out and clasps his hands to make a hoop as Archie practices his lay-ups. Just pretend his face is a backboard and laugh and laugh! After a few shots, Jughead suggests going for a drive, so the two of them pile into the ugliest car I’ve ever seen in my life. Juggy is floored to see Archie dribbling a basketball outside the car with his left hand while he drives! How’s that for an lol and an lmao??

When Jughead tells this idiot to cool it with the basketball, Archive tries passing it to his friend in the passenger’s seat… who misses. Now it’s bouncing across various front lawns and Archie has this bright idea to go chase it down.

As the ball bounces wildly down the street, Jughead points at a house. “Hey, Arch! Do you know who lives in that house over there!?”

The basketball crashes right through the front window.

“Our basketball coach!” Jughead says haughtily. Archie’s underwear overflows with diarrhea.

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Um, do you think he’ll notice?

We don’t get to see it, but Archie gets royally chewed out by the coach. Profanities, verbal abuse, and even a ritual caning was on the table, I bet. Archie walks away without his basketball sulkily. Betty is on the street, and she reminds Archie that they have a date tonight. Archie goes “oh yeah…” because he was thinking about basketball so much that he forgot all about boning the blonde one. Plus, it’ll be nice to take his mind off of basketball after Coach reamed him a new one.

But alas! When Archie picks Betty up, she’s dribbling a basketball! “I hope you don’t mind, but they’re having tryouts for the girls’ basketball team and I want to be ready!”

Archie frowns and we all point a snicker at the doofus.

”The Thin Line”

Hiram Lodge is kicking Archie out of his house, probably because he brought in a donkey and it ate all of his tax receipts.

“Mr. Lodge, you really don’t mean this!” Archie protests. “Remember, there’s just a thin line between love and hate!”

Lodge slams the door. “Thin line indeed!” He turns to his daughter. “I wish there was a big fat line between me and that idiot boyfriend of yours!”

Here’s the thing: Archie was just helping Veronica with her psychology homework! He wasn’t sucking on her clitoris, honest! Then she has a good idea…

Later at the ice cream shop, Veronica suggests that Archie “try some psychology” on her dad. I don’t know what that means yet, but I don’t think hypnotizing swinging timepieces will be involved. Archie asks Jughead and Veronica to do a little roleplay *eyebrows* Jughead will be Mr. Lodge, and Veronica can be Veronica! It’s a stretch, but it might work.

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

From now on you’re going potty outside like the dog you are!

While Archie tries to be nice to Hiram Jughead, he accidentally spills soda all over his pants, fucking everything up. Jughead gives him the business, as Hiram Lodge would, then turns to Veronica and tells her to stop dating “that idiot”.

Archie slaps Jughead daintily across the face and tells him to snap out of it. Little bubbles appear above Jughead’s head as if he were either drunk or in a deep fugue state; probably both. I think we’re all supposed to laugh here, but I’m instead stabbing my throat with a rusty machete.

Speaking of getting sliced and diced, Veronica thinks Archie is ready to confront Hiram! I don’t know why she thinks this since he literally accomplished nothing during the roleplay, but I’m not here to argue about the progression of an Archie story from 60 years ago. They find Hiram in the kitchen frowning his ass off.

“Hello, Mr. Lodge!” Archie says nervously. “It’s your old pal, Archie, say that’s an interesting piece you’ve added to your collection!” He points to a garbage can and calls it a great work of art. The earthy quality has really been captured! After looking like a moron yet again, Hiram tells Archie that maybe he could help him by fucking off and taking out the trash.

“Daddy! How could you ask Archie to take out the garbage!” Veronica moans. Hiram calls it the start of a great new career for him!

Archie drops it and spills garbage all over the floor. This, apparently, is the end of the story. Go psychology!

”The Silent Woman”

Veronica brings into her house a life-size blowup doll of her likeness. Keep that away from Archie is all I’m saying. There’s a ragged man with a gray suit that looks like it’s made out of burlap. “This is Professor Paraffin of that fabulous wax museum on the pier!” she says, introducing this very confused-looking man. Hiram looks at the wax dummy with awe. “It’s going to protect my interest while I’m in Paris this week!” Veronica adds.

Veronica directs Swanson, her driver, to keep Archie in sight of the dummy at all times. But keep him at a distance! But stay close! But not too close! But yes! But no! And give him this note that says she’s sick with chlamydia, or whatever other hip disease the kids are getting these days. The clap, maybe.

Archie gets the note and reads that she’ll be keeping an eye on him nonetheless. Betty says she’s bluffing. Later, Archie walks by the house and sees the dummy propped on a chair next to the window. He waves. It doesn’t wave back. He grins stupidly and heads over to Pop’s for a date with Betty. Swanson, with a devilish glint in his little eyeball, carries the dummy across town, following Archibald.

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

There’s a real dummy on this street, and it ain’t Veronica!

Betty sees Swanson driving around with the dummy and concludes that Veronica is spying on them out of jealousy! Archie concludes the same and furrows his brow angrily!

“Hey, Veronica’s really living it up, eh Arch?” Jughead says, meeting Archie on the street.

“Living it up? She’s sitting over there suffering from a virus!”

“Impossible!” says Jughead indubitably. “I personally saw her board the plane to Paris at the airport yesterday!” Why Jughead was at the airport is a mystery, but perhaps he was eating a bunch of overpriced burgers at the Chilis-To-Go.

Why, this really steams Archie up it does! Not worried at all about catching the clap, Archie storms over to the car, freaking out Swanson who needs to get the dummy away. But the engine is flooded! It won’t start! Eeep!

Archie notices right away after sticking his penis on the arm that “Veronica” is actually a wax dummy! Grrrr! “She left this thing to spy on me and keep me away from Betty!” he yells, staring Swanson right in his not-so-devilish-anymore eye. Swanson concedes.

Archie carries the dummy back into the Lodge household triumphantly like he just solved the Taman Shud case. A week later, Veronica comes home and asks her perpetually perplexed father if the wax dummy kept Archie at bay. “Oh, indeed!” he says. “The three of them have been inseparable all week!”

Three of them?! BRRT!!

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Creepy!

”Kicking Around”

Beatles-bowlheaded Reggie and Archie are throwing the ol’ pigskin around. “I GOT IT!” Betty all but screams as she intercepts it. A girl wants to play football! Jumpin’ jeepers, get out of town! “Betty, you can’t play football with us!” Reggie hollers with murderous rage. Archie agrees. Betty punts the football so far that it flies from the backyard to the high school football field where the coach (you can tell he’s the coach because he’s wearing a shirt that says “COACH” on it in blood) marvels at the punt.

Archie runs to go get the football and the coach gives him an “ARCHIE, MUH BOY!” That football was kicked all the way here! Why golly gee! “I’ve been looking for someone who could kick like that and now I’ve found him!” Coach declares, hugging Archie to his face and peppering him with soft little kisses and landing him a prime spot on the sex offender registry. Archie tries to downplay it, tries to tell him that “he knows a girl who could kick that far”, but our lumpy, pear-shaped coach won’t hear any of it!

Reggie asks why Archie doesn’t just tell the truth, and it’s because the truth would break Coach’s lumpy, pear-shaped heart. Besides, Archie can kick too! Watch this: *accidentally punts it right through Reggie’s sphincter*

The balls flies straight up, then lands on Archie’s head. Reggie cackles. Things are going to be quite fun come gametime when Archie doesn’t do anything on the field but suck.

“Don’t worry, Arch!” Reggie says in the locker room. “I’m the quarterback and I just won’t call any kicking plays!” He boggles through the fourth wall. “At least I think I won’t!”

But man, does Reggie want to make Archie look like a plumb fool. So, typically, Reggie’s first call is a kicking play. “The spotlight is yours!” he says to a confused Archie.

Eventually Coach cries because Football is Life.

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Coach, your butt is talking again!

That’s pretty much the end. We can end it there. That’s ok.

”The Ventriloquist”

Reggie’s great at throwing his voice! Watch this, fellas! “Eat me…” See, that was the hamburger talkin’!

Archie tells him to throw his voice across the diner and then go join it. Veronica laughs at this moment of levity! Reggie is completely beside himself with so much fucking rage that he could blow up a balloon through a gloryhole. “Wise guy! I’ll get even with him!”

“What are you doing tonight, Fathead?” Archie says to Veronica, and—WAIT A MINUTE!! HOW DARE YOU!! Veronica slaps Archie so hard that you can see his handprint on the face of his grandchild who will be born in 1993.

“What do you think of my voice now, knucklehead?” Reggie sneers as Veronica storms out of the diner. Archie has a concussion now and will probably die before the next morning, honestly.

But Archie has a chip on his shoulder, so he elicits the help of Jughead and Moose. First he tells them that Reggie can throw his voice like some sort of Harry Potter wizard, so be careful. Secondly, Moose, you fuck like your mom’s in the room (and you’re fucking her), and—WAIT A MINUTE!!

Moose grabs Archie’s collar for saying something so dang rude (it was actually about how he ain’t got no brains), but Archie pleads victim! “Reggie must be around!” he panics, but Moose would rather fist Archie’s teeth down his throat. But then Reggie shows up and is like “YEAH, I’M MAKING ARCHIE SAY EVERYTHING HEH HEH!” so Moose chases Reggie down the block. Are we laughing yet?! Are we laughing yet?!?!

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Reggie will prove you don’t need a rape whistle if you can throw your voice! There’s a joke in there somewhere, I think.

”The New Moose”

Archie stands under a tree with the most gaudy lapels I’ve ever seen while Jughead and Reggie run for their lives. “You better beat it, Arch! Moose is coming!”

Yeah, he’s coming all right. Coming big time. But Archie isn’t worried. In fact, Archie welcomes Moose’s arrival! But Reggie slaps the kid silly until every tooth is knocked out of his stupid head. “Haven’t you heard? Moose just finished taking one of those personality courses!” Oh, ok. Did he find out that he has no personality at all? Because that would be the most likely outcome here.

“Hi Moose!” says Archie, undisturbed.

“You’re talking to the new Moose now!” he says jubilantly. CRUNCH! That’s the sound of Moose crushing all of Archie’s hand bones. A firm, friendly handshake is just what the doctor ordered, eh? Why are you hopping around gripping your hand like that Archie? Are you on drugs?

Moose, afraid that he offended Archie, decides to clap him on the back! This sends him to Nebraska.

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Gee, why is Archie humping that fence? Seems kinda weird, huh?

Archie is woozy; tells Moose to keep away before he dies of blunt force trauma to the internal organs and whatnot. “But Archie, I’m your friend! I’m everybody’s friend!” Moose declares falsely. But he’s reasonable. Perhaps he’ll focus his attention on Betty, who just happens to be walking by.

“Allow me to assist you across the street!” he says, grabbing Betty’s arm.

“But… Moose! I don’t want to cross the street!” And Moose looks affronted. A taste of the back of his hand is just what the doctor ordered, eh? *hits a woman*

Later, the gang all discussed Moose’s newfound niceness. Something must be done, he’s more dangerous than ever! He might shoot a friendly gun in someone’s face!

Midge walks by, and Reggie gets a bright idea to involve this poor girl in helping the boys run away from Moose while Midge distracts him with boobs and/or vagina.

But later, Moose approaches Reggie and Archie and scares them both out of their wits!

“Good ahead Moose… hit us if you have to!” Reggie trembles.

“We can take it!” Archie shivers.

“I’m not going to hit you! Midge told me what you did and I think it’s wonderful! MY PALS!”

Moose gets them both in a friendly headlock, crushing their throats and their spines and sending them to the hospital. Archie and Reggie die four days later.

”New Girl in School”

There’s a new girl in school and she’s a sexy little redheaded piece! Archie is going to put the moves on her, watch this! *dances the Charleston*

“Hi! My name is Archie Andrews!”

“So?”

Fucking excellent start! Archie looks mad for a panel like he’s about to commit a misogynistic crime, but he goes from mad to sad pretty quickly. And he doesn’t even have much time to mope before Veronica catches wind of his flirty behavior.

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Get a pair of brass knuckles next time, sister.

So now that Archie has been killed, we can move onto bigger and better things! Things like Jughead not giving a shit that Archie has just been murdered.

Betty arrives and sees Archie dying of a closed-head injury. “What hit you?” she asks. “Ronnie!” Archie responds. And Betty is sympathetic for about four nanoseconds before she, too, gives him a right fucking hook to the jaw. SOCK! Archie’s down again!

Jughead says something snide, which prompts Archie to knock his teeth so far down his throat that Jughead will be shitting teeth for the next six days. Now Reggie shows up and wants to get in on the punching, so he and Jughead punch each other at the same time and it’s kind of cute, actually.

Moose shows up and things are really getting ridiculous now! “Okay you two, break it up! You guys are friends, you shouldn’t be fighting! No more of it, understand?” And then it’s right in Jughead and Reggie’s faces with fists.

OK, picture this: Archie punches Moose in the face because we’re starting to really run out of steam in this particular story. Moose takes it in the chin and it barely affects him. So Moose stabs Archie in the throat.

And then the new girl walks by again and the laugh track is deafening.

”What Did I Do”

We see the immediate aftermath of a Betty swinging her purse across Archie’s mug, presumably because he either pinched her ass or threw a grenade in her general vicinity. “How do I get myself in these situations?” he asks himself, dazed and confused. “There wasn’t any reason for Betty to be mad at me!” he complains cluelessly.

We see them earlier walking through the park arm in arm… and Archie starts goggling at a young lass wearing a tight, strapless yellow dress.

Then he offers Betty a drink on him… and shows her a drinking fountain. Archie then checks out the yellow dress girl again while squirting Betty in the face with water.

Like this!:

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Whoa there! That’s a little premature!

“What happened?” Archie asks, hands spread while Betty gives him the ol’ stink eye (and it’s extra stinky!) She calls him an inconsiderate cunt and complains about being so hungry that she could “chew on an old glove”. Archie strokes his chin devilishly, remembering that this date would involve at least one or two foods. Would you like a slice of pizza or an old glove, my dear? *winks*

“I’ll show you I’m not cheap!” he takes her arm and pulls it out of her socket. “Come on!”

He orders pizza from a street vendor, but makes the inexcusable gaffe of ordering only ONE soda! This was the last straw! This is the part where Betty fills her purse with doorknobs and socks Archie in the teeth.

“How do I get myself in these situations?” he asks again, and fuck it, I just pissed myself!

”The Show-Offs”

Archie has a girl on each arm, and I bet you guess which two! Yes, that’s right, Gertrude and Hortense. “I’ll bet you can’t do this, Arch!” Reggie says, furiously masturbating. Actually, he is standing upside-down on one finger. Archie admits that he can’t do it, but the furious masturbation thing would be right up his alley, honestly.

Reggie is absolutely livid. So livid, in fact, that there are ANGER LINES emanating from his face. “What do I have to do to get those girls to pay some attention to me!” he asks himself lividly.

“Hey Arch, can you do a back flip?” he asks him like an incel. Betty (Gertrude) and Veronica (Hortense) disagree on where they want to go next: the park or the Chocolate Shoppe. This can be decided with a patented Reggie backflip! If he lands on his fat head, they’ll walk through the dang park. If he lands on his fat butt, the Chocolate Shoppe it is! Reggie looks positively livid.

“Reggie is such a show-off!” Betty says with a furrowed brow.

“Let’s get away from here!” agrees Veronica.

“I’m glad you’re not a show-off, Archie!”

“It’s nice to know a normal boy who can’t do any of those things!”

This is the part where Archie fucks up. “What do you mean I can’t do any of those things? — I’ll show you!”

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35

Get a load’a this stupid asshole.

He then tries a handstand in front of the girls, who just look on with bemusement. He fails, so his next great idea is to leap over a wall. Betty and Veronica’s collective vaginas lose every bit of moisture possible as Archie crashes head-first into it. This is getting sadder and sadder, of course. Now that Archie has a concussion, the girls carry him to the hospital where he perishes after a 45-day coma.

”Show Time”

Archie is the host of the school radio program! And he sucks: “This is Station WRVRLKM, Riverdale High’s own radio station! And this is your old friend Lonesome Archie here to entertain you friends!”

Betty and Mr. Weatherbee look on with polite disapproval. Then Betty praises Weatherbee on his great idea to have a radio station in the school. Weatherbee kind of makes a “hmph!” face.

Archie spreads his hands and declares that tonight is Talent Night! Bring your juggling balls and your parachute pants. Jughead arrives into the studio with his crown and his cozy sweater; he’ll be the first Talent Show participant! And he has a card trick ready for the listening audience!

“CARD TRICK!” Archie screams with indignation. THIS IS A FUCKING RADIO SHOW, FUCK FACE! He shoves Jughead out of the room and breaks off their friendship forever.

Now it’s Reggie’s turn. He stands upside-down on his one hand, the trick he uses to not get any girls. Archie is so mad that he slaps Reggie down to the floor.

It’s Betty’s turn. She does a tap dance! Archie throws her in the trash.

Moose karate-chops a piece of wood in half. Archie shoots him in the head with a gun.

Archie decides to play some records, but he trips over a wire and breaks every single record in his stack.

“Well, Mr. Weatherbee, what do you think?” Betty asks smilingly.

“I think it’s the greatest television show I’ve ever seen!” Mr. Weatherbee says with a scowl. “Too bad we didn’t have a camera!”

*trombone fart*

Final Thoughts

Sorry that was so long, you guys. There was just so much damn Archie packed into every lovely panel. Until next time, groovy dudes, keep on truckin’.


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Star Trek: The Next Generation – Season 1, Episode 2 – “Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)”

Star Trek: The Next Generation

“The crew of the Enterprise is put on trial by a mysterious force called “Q” for all the crimes of mankind.“

Part 2, motherbitches! Let’s get this show on the road!

Q shows up on the main screen with a wry raise of the eyebrow. Farpoint is the ultimate test, and Captain Picard has 24 hours to prove his bullshit or he will be sentenced to 415 years in the salt mines. Picard is not rattled, because he’s going to conduct himself the way he would anyway if Q weren’t around anyway: by visiting every brothel this side of the Farpoint Mississippi.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 2 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)

This channel sucks. Can you get ESPN on this thing?

Riker catches the first glimpse of Deanna Troi while on the bridge and Riker has an “uh oh” face. She uses her telepathy to say “don’t fuck things up this time” and also “our love will prevail again someday” and also “I feel bloated”.

Picard, Riker, and Troi visit Zorn to profess their interest in building facilities, and Zorn is pretty good at building things and also engineering things and maybe he won’t do it! Sweeten the deal a little bit and maybe he’ll lend his services. Meanwhile, Troi has one of her weird empath conniption fits that don’t happen anymore after this episode: she feels severe loneliness and sadness, and Zorn gets defensive and starts yelling. Picard is offended! They storm out of there in disgust!

Riker is wandering around the ship aimlessly and decides he wants to meet Lieutenant Commander Data, local sex robot. He finds Data on a holodeck in a program that looks like the lavish ecosystem of trees, streams, and chirping birds. “Getting away from it all”, as it were, just as those humans do. The ones he loves so dang much. Riker catches him whistling in a tree like a Disney character from 1940.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 2 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)

Wow, it’s beautiful… do you know what’s even more interesting? That Fisting Sluts 4 program that Riker installed earlier.

Riker is troubled that a lieutenant commander is an android. Data calls him a bigot. Riker calls Data “Pinocchio”, not referring to his long dick-like nose, but rather his hopelessly tenacious efforts to become a real boy!

Riker and Data catch Wesley hanging out in the holodeck and witness the little pants-pisser fall into the river. Instead of letting him drown, which would have been absolutely hilarious, Data saves him by pulling him out of the water with one strong-ass arm. Too bad. It would have been funny to see Dr. Crusher look barely sad about her dead son.

Wesley wants to visit the bridge, but Dr. Crusher says that it’s illegal and punishable by getting forced out of an airlock. Then Dr. Crusher says that she promises to see what they can do about it. Wesley is quite happy. He pisses his pants with glee.

The whole bridge team beams down to Farpoint. Yar and Troi are tasked with creeping around a weird, empty, dark corridor. They find something interesting: a bunch of shit that Geordi can’t identify or recognize with his special visor. Troi feels so much terrible pain and despair that they have to stop what they’re doing to make her feel better. You know, instead of just leaving her there. Riker is unnerved about the place now, and reports to Picard that something is rotten in the state of Farpoint.

Wesley visits the bridge and Picard just about throws a stapler at him. “Children are not allowed on the bridge,” he spits before Dr. Crusher steps out from behind her son. Picard is speechless because these two have boning history, and subsequently lets Wesley wander around the bridge. “BUT DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING,” he spits again. Everyone on the bridge stares at the kid while he wanders around mouth agape like he’s on fucking drugs. Picard lets him sit at the control center and tries mansplain everything to him, but Wesley is, of course, an annoying child prodigy and a big know-it-all about everything. Picard has had enough of him within 14 seconds and he kicks the Crushers off the bridge forthwith. Fuck ’em.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 2 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)

And if you direct your attention over there, young Wesley, it’s the bridge’s Sno-Cone machine. Not for kids.

Something is detected in the perimeter! An unknown ship! Raise the shields, ready the phasers! Open a hailing frequency: “Eat my entire ass!”

Picard calls up Zorn and tells him about the unidentified vessel, and Zorn says there are no scheduled ships to arrive to the orbit. Zorn had mentioned before about getting the Ferengi involved in their dealings and now they have shown up in their massive ship to crash the party.

Troi is still having empath heartburn. Data announces that something down in the corridor is shielding their communicators. Riker doesn’t like this fishiness and they try to return to the main Farpoint hub.

Worf announces that their scanners are useless against the big ol’ Ferengi UFO. The vessel starts blasting the planet below, which scares the piss out of Riker and crew. Riker and Data investigate while Yar, Troi and Geordi beam back up. Zorn is desperate for the Enterprise’s help before Farpoint gets blown to smithereens.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 2 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)

Mayday! Mayday! I need a haircut! Someone get me a haircut!

“Would you object to your captain ordering a very illegal kidnapping?” says Picard to Riker.
“No objection, sir,” responds Riker. So they fucking kidnap Zorn and bring him aboard the ship. Zorn knows something and they demand answers! Q is going to be very upset and– oh, he just showed up to chastise these mooks.

“Get off my bridge!” yells Picard. Q tells him to go fornicate himself.

Force fields full on, they shift into Impulse Power 2 and do nothing in particular. Riker and Data are caught up in the missile fire that keeps raining down on the city. Zorn is crying under a table. Riker and Data confront him and say, basically, that if he doesn’t fess up they’ll leave him there to die. Suddenly, Zorn gets caught up in what looks like a Ferengi transported beam and Riker goes “oh shit” and the two of them beam back aboard. Q is reveling in the stupidity.

Riker requests to beam over to the other ship. He gets in Q’s face and tells him, savagely, that humans are no longer a savage race. Q is still not convinced.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 2 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)

Four to beam down to the Sno-Cone planet to replenish our supply.

Picard visits the sexy, swaggering Dr. Crusher and apologizes for tossing the kid off the bridge by the scruff. He admits to her that he was impressed by Wesley’s knowledge and then approves her assignment transfer to the Enterprise, but she makes it clear to Picard that she’s not doing it for the reasons he thinks she’s doing it. It’s probably because her husband kicked the bucket and she needs a distraction, and her lousy son isn’t good enough.

Riker and crew return to the creepy Farpoint subsurface corridor where Troi feels the hatred and despair again. They creep along the tunnel and discover Zorn yelling like a tortured moose. They find him suspended in a weird purple light, screaming like an awfully poor actor. Zorn’s like “I don’t know why I’m here!” but Troi calls bullshit. They set their phasers to “get the poor sap out of there” and they zap the purple light, disabling it.

Q shows up dressed like Picard, four buttons on his lapel and all, and assumes his position in the captain’s chair. Riker’s team beams Zorn up to the bridge. Q goads Picard to blow up the big scary vessel, but Zorn and Troi are like “NO!”

Riker asks why the vessel was torturing Zorn, but he keeps insisting that he has no goddamn idea. The viewer shows the vessel slowly flipping over and turning into a space jellyfish! Picard accuses Zorn of capturing a similar creature back on Farpoint. The feelings that Troi was experiencing were love and hatred and all sorts of mixed emotions because these two jellyfish lovers were separated. How touching!

The Enterprise beams the trapped space jellyfish off the planet. It turns out that the jellyfish is Farpoint station! “Lucky guess,” grumbles Q.

“Please believe me, we meant no harm to the creature!” lies Zorn. No one on the bridge is having it.

The space jellyfish all but fuck in front of the ship. Then they slither off into the abyss of space.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 2 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)

The closest thing to a sex scene you’ll find in The Next Generation.

“Sir, it’s wonderful!” says Troi. lol. Everyone farts as a response, even Q.

Picard turns to Q and asks why he uses other lifeforms for his recreation. Q is coy, even after Picard tells him to get his ass off his ship. “I cannot promise I will not appear again,” says Q slyly before disappearing. He’s right, you know. Q episodes are some of the best.

Everyone on the bridge stares at each other with trepidation. Picard looks placidly triumphant. The audience golf claps with respect.

Next Time on Star Trek: The Next Generation

Season 1, Episode 3 — “The Naked Now”
Riker creates a 1TB holodeck program where celebrities from 1973 strip in front of him.


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Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “The Underneath (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Underneath storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “The Underneath (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones learns that Denny and his friends are drugging Mattie Franklin and using her to extract superhero guts from her body to smoke it and get real fuckin’ high man. Isn’t that gross?

Jones gets punched in the face and sent to the emergency room. Before that though, Ben Urich was sent by Jameson to spy on her. He’s looking for Mattie Franklin, too. Let him know if you see her.

At the end, Jones gets attacked by Jessica Drew in her apartment. She’s the original Spider-Woman, and she’s looking for Mattie Franklin, too.

So, everyone is looking for Mattie Franklin! It’s a real Mattie Franklin search party! The excitement never wanes!

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20 [June, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Underneath (Part 5)”

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Jessica Drew knows that Jessica Jones is the last person to see Mattie. So, cough it up. Where is the little bitch? And do you know what Jessica Jones has to say about that? “Yiiiiaarrggh!! Gggsshh… Aagh!” Oh yeah, she’s getting electrocuted or something. That’s not helping the talking.

With the stoicism of a psychopath, Drew asks one more time where Mattie is. Or else she’ll really ramp up the voltage. Finally able to talk again, Jones is like “look, cunt, I tried to call you.” And she did, that’s true! Drew doesn’t know that, though, and Jones advises the kind woman to check her fucking answering machine once in a while.

So she gets out her phone and checks her answering machine, which is what you still did back in 2004.

“You called me.”

“Yes.”

“Huh.”

Now that that awkwardness is behind us forever, let’s get down to brass tacks. Oh wait, brass tacks can wait. Jones socks Drew in the face and tackles her over the kitchen table. While Drew is out cold, Jones answers her phone – a call from Ben Urich. Jameson would like to see her, please. “Okay… but tell him I’m not coming alone.”

Urich, Jones, and Drew sit on one couch. Jameson and his wife sit on the other. The silence is deafening. Jameson doesn’t know what to say, so he gets up and starts pacing the room a little bit. “Please forgive my husband,” says Mrs. Jameson. “They warned us. Everybody warned us that that taking in an orphan was going to be trouble.”

Mrs. Jameson badmouths orphans for a spell before Jones admits she’s an orphan. Without missing a beat, Mrs. Jameson says something to the effect of “NO, YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO SAW MATTIE LAST!”

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Sorry I webbed all over your couch, ma’am. I got excited.

Urich had told the Jamesons what Denny and his lovely friends are doing with Mattie. They are besides themselves with outrage, sadness, fear, and some ennui, actually. So then they get into it a little bit. Mattie’s father was J. Jonah’s closest friend. They took Mattie in when her father died, and he treated her like his own daughter. WHO KNEW, RIGHT? THE MAN HAS A HEART! And he’s getting older, right? So there’s that, of course. Uhm…

Jonah didn’t know that Mattie has abilities, but Mrs. Jameson knew a little bit. They hid this from Jonah because he “has issues with the concept of a masked vigilante”. And now that she’s dressing like Spider-Man, of all superheroes! That’s an lol.

The Jamesons don’t know exactly how long she’s been missing because they’ve been busy, ok? Jesus, enough with the third degree. And no, the police aren’t involved because “they’re Jonah’s enemies”. Besides, they’ll just kill her. (?)

So please help, Jessica Jones. Please. Please. Please. Please! Please?

Yeah, sure. So, back in Jones’ office, Jones uses the internet to scope out clues which Drew calls cheating. “People hired you to find someone, they want you to go out and find someone. Not look it up online and cash the check.”

She sees a picture of Jones with Carol Danvers, floored that she knows her too. This causes Drew to finally soften up a little bit, and she apologizes for almost killing Jones in her own apartment.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Right? The Avengers are a pile of sluts and I have the sultry photos to prove it.

They shoot the shit a little bit, nothing that’s worth repeating here. Eventually, Jones finds what they’re looking for and they head out to scope Denny’s place of residence.

“How do you want to handle this?” Drew asks.

“I say grab her and run, and fuck the rest of it.”

“Yeah me too.”

So we have a plan! I like it! They mosey on up to the front door of the apartment building and bust the fuck in. Then they strut up to Denny’s unit and bust the fuck in. Then they —

No one’s there, but he left his phone. At least it seems like no one’s there. They check under the bed and in the closet. It’s making Jones tense and anxious, like he’s going to leap out from somewhere all naked, dick flapping in the breeze, and strangle her to death.

Speaking of death, Jones is worried that they’re going to kill this poor, wretched, high-all-the-time girl. Drew calls an Agent Jeff Hunt for information on Denny – credit cards, plane tickets, sexual proclivities, favorite hamburger toppings, anything. Oh, a hotel? Fantastic! The Matador in Manhattan? Rit-zy!

They goad the concierge at the desk to give them Denny’s room number by looking giggly and sexy. Room 755. That’s, let’s see, on the seventh floor? 55 rooms from the elevator? Sounds fishy, but ok.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Nothing to see here in ol’ room seven-five-five. Business as usual. Completely normal and good.

“Mattie, wake your dumb ass up! Bitch, get up!!! Fuck, is she dead? If she’s dead, I am so screwed.” All this and more comes from the other side of the door. Drew uses her electric powers to open the door and finds a room full of mooks with Mattie passed out on the bed.

And then the shit goes down.

Final Thoughts

TO BE CONCLUDED. Will Mattie wake her dumb ass up? Will Jones even get paid for this nonsense? Probably not on both counts. Sorry.


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Senlin Ascends by Josiah Bancroft

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the Books of Babel series

Senlin Ascends

Fire it up! Get that bonfire roaring! Today I discuss Senlin Ascends, the first in a four-book series by relative newcomer Josiah Bancroft, who looks like an incredible Mormon based on any of his pictures online. Just this plaid shirt and a Republican Dad haircut. He looks like me! Yeesh!

Senlin Ascends was such a joy to read. It took a couple dozen pages to get used to his old-timey writing style (think 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea), but there is so much charm in the light prose that I couldn’t help but be rather chuffed and endeared by the 19th-century era steampunk themes. The story follows Thomas Senlin, a small town school headmaster. What should have been a honeymoon trip to the Tower of Babel with his newly betrothed Marya becomes a harrowing journey of lost wives, disillusionment, betrayal, and forced adventure! The Tower itself is of an unknown height — too tall to be seen through the clouds — with each level representing a city-sized “ringdom” with its own civilization, rules, culture, and political climate. With a guidebook to the Tower in hand, Senlin quickly learns that all the information within it is garbage. The Tower is basically an anarchist state, and once you enter it’s nearly impossible to leave.

“Dare I say, Marya, a trip to the Tower of Babel sounds simply smashing!”
– Thomas Senlin, Optimistic Tourist

What makes this a page-turner is the Tower itself. A sprawling megalopolis, it has way more character and personality than the meek, noodle-armed Thomas Senlin. Full of mystery and intrigue from the ground up, most of the fun comes from exploring the first four ringdoms of the Tower along with Senlin. Outside the Tower itself are the Markets and the Skirts, where one can lose a friend or family member immediately if they aren’t properly tethered *wink*. Level 1 is the Basement, which is just a filthy slum with merry-go-rounds that give away free watered-down beer. Level 2 is the Parlor, where visitors must play roles in a shitty, trite play for no audience while they need to keep the fires in the fireplaces stoked. Level 3 are the Baths, the first non-shitty ringdom, which is a resort town overseen by a very peculiar man who calls himself the Commissioner (and the Red Hand, his maniacal and inhuman bodyguard). Level 4 is New Babel, a thriving port ringdom supplied with electricity. And from there, your imagination will run wild! Eventually, Senlin finds a long metal rod with etchings to represent 30+ (at the very least) ringdoms of the Tower, some with names and some unknown. I want to know all the ringdoms! The Harem Ringdom! The ’90s Shopping Mall Ringdom! The Pinball Arcade Machine Ringdom! The Ringdom of Earthly Delights! The Ringdom of Black Holes Tearing the Fabric in the Space-Time Continuum! They all sound super fun.

“Dare I say, Adam, that a trip to the Tower’s Salt Mines sounds simply dreadful!”
– Thomas Senlin, Pessimistic Captive

The last section of the book peters out a little bit once Senlin gets a job on New Babel. He spins his wheels while concocting an impossible plan of escape by stealing an airship, culminating in a long action sequence that I completely glazed over while finishing. It’s too bad, too, because I found the whole book thrilling up until the very. Ah well, there are still three books to go and I hear the fourth one at least stays decent until the final quarter when Bancroft fumbles the ball on the 25-yard line while the defense takes turns shitting in his mouth. Haha, what?!

Let’s discuss further, shall we?

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Tower Theories?
Oh man!… I got nothing!

So, spoiler alert, we know that the first four floors make, respectively, water, fire, steam, and that new-fangled electricity. Based on the map at the beginning of the book, we know that Ringdom 5 is “Pelphia” and Ringdom 6 is “The Silk Gardens”, but neither of these two ringdoms are explored. They sound pretty ritzy, though. Since the trend seems to be that the people are better off the higher you go, it would stand to reason that you’ve got the CEO of Tower of Babel hanging out on his gold throne on Ringdom 760 while his harem of consenting men and women give him sloppy blowjobs and all the McDonald’s hamburgers that he can eat! Just imagine!

“Dare I say, Iren, that a trip to your fist with my face sounds simply harrowing!”
– Thomas Senlin, Restless Blue Collar Worker

That’s probably the red herring, though. I’m sure there are dips in quality of life as you ascend the Tower. I’m sure someone is mining diamonds and ore on Ringdom 24 so that people can buy fancy jewelry on Ringdom 27. Children are working in Ringdom 82’s sweatshops to make wallets for Ringdom 89’s businessmen, who work shitty 9 to 5 jobs keeping their bosses on Ringdom 91 happy just so that they don’t go home and beat the wives they mail-ordered from Ringdom 8.

My best actual theory about the Tower is that technology continues to advance as you move up. What may be beer-me-go-rounds on Ringdom 1 and electricity on Ringdom 4 might become modern medicine on Ringdom 20, primitive computers on Ringdom 30, high-speed internet on Ringdom 40, streaming services and grocery delivery on Ringdom 45, and pitch-perfect AI on Ringdom 50. The story feels like it takes place some time in the early 1900s at the very latest, so it would be very interesting to see modern technology and beyond at higher levels of the Tower.

Other than that, TIME WILL TELL.

Hods?
I don’t know what the fuck the deal is with the hods. Sorry.

“Fuck this place.”
– Thomas Senlin, Resigned Sad-Sack

Those who are delinquent in any way, i.e. criming and/or in debt up to their eyeballs, get tracked down to become hods. Shaved heads and sent to toil in the walls of the Tower, it seems. Senlin Ascends only scratches the surface of the concept, and since the third book is called The Hod King I’m certain I’ll hear more about these wretched individuals! Perhaps The CEO on Ringdom 760 enslaves hods for his many blowjob-related endeavors? I hope to read 500 pages about this in the future.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Absolutely. It’s been a while since I’ve had this much fun reading a story. Mysterious and intriguing, Senlin Ascends is an effervescent tale of being trapped in a weird fucking Tower and the hilarious antics that might ensue! Read this instead of 50 Shades of Grey, which probably sucks ass and is likely not about ascending a tower at all.


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Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #12 – “Ghost in the Machine”

* Part 6 of 6 of the City of Owls storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #12 – “Ghost in the Machine”! In the previous installment, one of the most boring comics books I’ve ever read, Batman defeats Lincoln March Owlman Brother Wayne by collapsing a building on top of him (OR DOES HE??) and realizes, after about 20 broken bones, that Gotham isn’t his city. It’s everyone’s city. Then he and Dick Grayson share a luxurious hug.

The story of Jarvis Pennyworth is concluded by Jarvis warning his son never to go to Wayne Manor, then Jarvis getting killed, then Alfred going to Wayne Manor anyway. So fuck you, dad.

Anyway, let’s get this piece of shit over with.

*groan*

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #12 [October, 2012]
Written by: Scott Snyder
“Ghost in the Machine”

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #12

“Sometimes all it takes is a few words to change your life. For me it took seven. Seven words, spoken in the dark.”

*leans up really close to her ear* “Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.”

This woman with a septum ring is working sixty feet below Gotham City on the eastern section of the old power grid. Then she heard those words. Those seven delectable words: “Harper, phonecall! Your brother – he sounds pissed!”

Now, far be it from me to be pedantic, but I do believe “phone call” is TWO words. Two words.

Those weren’t the words, though. The real words came later. Harper’s still nervous about talking to her brother, at any rate. But we don’t get to that yet. We flashback to a few weeks ago in the “Narrows” of Gotham City, wherever that is. Harper’s brother, Cullen, brushes her hair while she stands there petulantly in a beautiful red dress. She starts pulling off her fancy gloves, saying that this whole thing is beyond stupid. “I feel ridiculous. I’m going in my own clothes or I’m not going at all.”

But the Wayne Gala is fancy and rather schmancy! Harper has to look like a prostitute or Bruce will get hella mad, even though Harper is only going because they’re tearing down their building (to build a better one, though, according to Cullen). Plus, how is she going to win the heart of TIM DRAKE (loser) dressed like a flannel carpet-muncher? (Cullen’s words, not mine, I swear. I swear! I mean it! Stop looking at me like that!)

While Cullen talks and talks, Harper notices a large bandage on his arm. He quickly pulls his sleeve up, saying that “they” are messing with him and that they’ll get bored soon enough. And, finally, Cullen pushes Harper out the door to the waiting cab, but only after he promises that they’ll take care of this situation when she gets home. He begrudgingly agrees.

Who are these fucks? Why am I reading about them? Where’s my handsome, manly hunk of a man Bruce Wayne at?

AH, THERE HE IS! He’s addressing the patrons of his fancy gala, running his spiel of a bigger and brighter Gotham. Harper tries to steal a bunch of desserts off the table to stuff into her purse until she’s caught by Alfred.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #12

WE’VE POISONED THE COOKIES! YOU HAVE 45 MINUTES TO LIVE! BAH HA HA HA HA HAAA!

“You’re making a serious error, young lady…” Alfred says menacingly, “…if you leave the dessert table without tasting the brownies.”

Oh man, does that dude ever fuck.

Harper asks the beloved butler for a way out of this popsicle stand. So she can blow it, you see. Alfred recognizes her as the young woman who won a raffle to be at the gala. She corrects him; her landlady gave Harper the ticket after she rewired her apartment. She doesn’t want to be at this bullshit event.

Alfred asks her what she thinks of Bruce’s new plans to transform her neighborhood. Harper is skeptical that a rich guy like Bruce Aloysius Wayne, who has never set penis inside the Narrows before, can fix up her shitty neighborhood. Alfred winks and tells her that she might be surprised. Then he winks again, and then a third time. Then he appears on the sex offender registry.

Harper thanks the butler for the brownies and fucks off into the night. She returns home to find Cullen sobbing on the floor of their apartment. He’s all banged up half to death. You see, while Harper was gone, “they” came. “I thought they were going to kill me, Harper… but they just wanted to hear me scream… they just kept kicking me.” Cullen’s all bloody and gross and I’m surprised that Harper even wants to touch that mess, but she hugs him all the same.

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #12

No cussing.

“They” keep kicking Cullen’s ass because he’s gay, and in the year 2011 that’s a felony. And perhaps it’s a flashback, or perhaps it’s the next day, but Cullen and his boyfriend walk through the school grounds (college, presumably, where Cullen majors in TV/VCR repair) while everyone stares at them. Harper does a little soliloquy about how she’s always trying to fix things. Mostly because their dad was always breaking things! In fits of anger! Eventually, Harper got good at fixing anything. That’s why she works on Gotham’s old eastern power grid. ‘Cause it needs to be fixed, you see.

Later, Cullen walks down the street late at night with Harper when a group of toughs try to kick his ass. After a few clocks to the mug, Harper ain’t having it anymore. She brandishes a homemade taser and zaps Tough #1 right in the gut. “Come on! I dare you!” she cries to the other jerkass jerkbag. “It’s not just a taser. I powered it up, you scum. You come near my brother again and I’ll fry you, you hear me?”

About six more guys come out of the shadows. “Heh, you can’t fry us all, baby.”

So now Harper starts getting punched and almost knifed and it’s a real sorry state of affairs. Good thing BATMAN shows up with his various smoke bombs and starts kicking some real gay-bashing ass. He gets right up into this dude’s face, close enough for a passionate smooch, and tells him that shit will get super real if he and his gang hurt Cullen and Harper again. The gang runs away while Batman grapples the top of a building and swings away.

Harper looks positively thrilled! The coolest thing ever just happened and it had nothing to do with Steven Seagal or Prince! She smiles like she just got an idea, but the idea seems to be “look up Batman on the internet”. Even Cullen is getting annoyed with Harper showing him a hundred videos of Batman dancing and prancing.

“The last few days I’ve been able to walk home without having to worry about anyone giving me crap. I love Batman… but you’ve been on your computer watching every little scrap of video you can find. Don’t you think it’s time to… I don’t know… give it a rest?”

Harper’s not listening. Give it a what? Give what a rest? What what a what? Check this out! She found security footage from her employer’s cameras. After a little illegal password cracking, she was able to watch this short video of Batman not appearing at all because the feed cuts out for four seconds. Eh? Eh?

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #12

Any Bat-like Man could’ve knocked down that trash can! Doesn’t prove nuthin’!

Cullen has to admit that it’s pretty cool that he’s able to scramble a camera feed. Harper finds it curious because the Gotham grid can’t be accessed remotely. Batman must have his own secret grid! Like a ghost grid, heh heh, boo! And something he can access remotely, to boot. Harper asked her boss what it would take to build a private grid like that, and her boss was like “WHAT KIND OF DUMBASS QUESTION IS THAT? GET BACK TO WORK.”

Also, it would take a lot of power. And somewhere along the real grid, Batman is siphoning power to use to scramble cameras and… what’s this now? Power the real grid further? Now we’re talking nonsense. “He actually saps power secretly from Wayne Industries buildings, like Robin Hood, to power these boxes he keeps at the hubs. They’re amplifiers – Bat-Boxes.

And if that isn’t boring enough, Harper starts tinkering and she cobbles together something that will give wider range to the signals hitting the Bat-Boxes in case something happens. “It’s just a thank-you, I guess. For everything.”

And not only that, but Harper can track Batman using these Bat-Boxes! And one just went offline, punching a hole in the ghost grid and making Batman visible to everyone at this very moment. Harper has to go save him!

So she drops down into the stinky sewer and fixes a Bat-Box to get Batman back off the grid. And just as she finishes up, a fucking boat cruises through the tunnels at 506mph with Batman hot on its heels. This stupid thing happens where Batman catches him and calls him an Owl, then the guy denies it and unleashes a tiger from below the deck to gnaw on Batman for a bit. The Not-Owl guy laughs sinisterly as the boat drives away (with Batman and the tiger still on it).

Little Harper wants to help! But how?!

She turns off the run-off valve, which lowers the water level in the tunnels and brings the boat to a screeching halt. The tiger is incapacitated. Batman grabs Mr. Not-Owl and gets ready to fuck his butt… until he notices that some mysterious so-and-so shut off the valve and ran away before being detected. “Hrm…” Batman says with conviction!

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #12

That’s Eau de Sewer and it was expensive, thank you very much!

Harper revels in her success to help Batman! Cullen says he has to now wash the sheets 50 times to get the poop smell out of it.

Lying down reflecting, Harper remembers those seven words again. The real seven words this time, not some bullshit seven words about Cullen being pissed.

“Whatever you think you’re doing, you’re finished.”

Batman shows up in the sewer to speak to Harper, who is working on the grid. She claims she was just trying to help, but Batman disagrees. Fuck off, kid.

He disappears and she smiles, because here are the real words, spoken to herself:

“Harper Row, you’re not finished. No way.”

Final Thoughts

WHAT A WEIRD ISSUE, RIGHT? Who cares about Harper and Cullen Row and their slice-of-life bullshit story. If we did an exposé on every citizen of Gotham City, we’d have 400 issues of bedwetting children, plumbers, charlatans, and bedwetting grandmas.

Let’s keep it to Batman from now on, Scott Snyder, or you’re fired.


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