Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #10! In the previous installment, the Cadets detain Josh at a secret warehouse on the waterfront, and Kamala’s friends aren’t happy with the arrangement! You shouldn’t lock up a kid who was planning to blow up the school before he even blows up the school! You have to wait until after the school is blown up before you can all celebrate and give the kid a trophy!

In the middle of the night, Bruno attempts to bust Josh outta da joint with an explosive device. It explodes, which was its intended action, but now Bruno is on the edge of death! Ms. Marvel is stricken!

Is Bruno actually dead? Did he go to the big Circle Q in the sky? Read on to find out! Or don’t. I don’t care either way.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #10 [October, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson

Flashback to nine years ago, Kamala “Harris” Khan’s first day of 2nd grade. She’s crying as she enters the room because she wants to watch Tween Mutant Samurai Turtles instead of learning about fractions and eating paste.

Abu drags her useless daughter into the classroom and immediately notices a fetid odor. The teacher tells him to shush, she doesn’t want to embarrass the tall kid in the back with the poopy pants. You see him over there? Bruno Carrelli? He hasn’t had a bath in probably 4 years because his parents are deadbeats. Drug problems and what-have-you. “His grandparents have been granted custody. Nice people, but – they’re scrambling to make ends meet.”

Bruno’s grandparents haven’t been paying activity fees, so smelly little Bruno isn’t going on the next field trip. Abu will gladly pay his way, but the teacher says that ONLY RELATIVES CAN PAY FOR THE—oooooh, cash money! Of course it’s good here, Mr. Khan.

“Kamala, go play with the nice little boy in the corner,” says Ammi.

“You mean the stinky one?!” she yelps.

“Never say such an unkind thing again,” Ammi responds coldly. Then she lays the “great-grandma walked from Mumbai to Karachi” guilt on her, so be grateful for what you have.

Kamala drags her giant winged pig stuffed animal thing to the table and says hi to Bruno. Bruno says that she doesn’t have to sit there if she doesn’t want. She notices that he’s wearing a Tween Mutant Samurai Turtles t-shirt! He notices that she’s wearing these totally boss bangles on her arm! Bruno calls them pretty. AND THE REST IS HISTORY!

*end credits*

Final Thoughts

My final thoughts are going to stretch the rest of the comic, ok? Anyway, cut to the present and Bruno’s unconscious in a hospital bed with a little toy Spider-Man next to him. He’s all banged up and wretched-looking. Ms. Marvel sits in a chair, willing him to wake up. The homely nurse, who looks like if Conan O’Brien had been injected with Don Imus’ DNA, walks in and lets Ms. Marvel know that Bruno has third-degree burns on the left side of his body. “If he lives, he might walk again, with physical therapy, but there’ll be some lingering paralysis on his left side.”

Ms. Marvel flees out of the hospital, thinking to herself that it’s time to stop acting like she’s playing superhero and start acting like she’s actually a superhero! No more Ms. Nice Gal.

ATTACK OF THE 50-FT WOMAN!! RRAAWWWRR!!

Meanwhile, the Cadets are looking at the ruins of the exploded warehouse. “What a wreck,” says Becky St. Jude. “Base of operations destroyed, prisoners escaped, police and press crawling all over the place. It’s like people don’t want a safer world.”

Ms. Marvel makes a very conspicuous entrance, as you can plainly see, and starts chewing a few bitches out. Immediately, she asks why Ulysses knew Josh was going to blow up the school, but not that Bruno was going to end up in a coma trying to free him? Becky says that it doesn’t work like that! It only works in ways that are convenient for the story! So keep up. “Trying to override an electromagnetic lock with more electricity is just dumb, especially for a genius,” she argues.

After a back-and-forth, it’s decided that it’s all Ms. Marvel’s fault for authorizing Josh’s detention. Well, Ms. Marvel may be completely 100% at fault for the eventual untimely death of Stinky Bruno, but she has the power to put a stop to everything here and now!

“You can’t do that,” complains Becky as her posse strikes smug and threatening poses. “We’ve been doing good work here in Jersey City. Major crime is down 20%. You’re letting yourself get distracted by collateral damage.”

“Collateral damage” my big fat behind, sister. Ms. Marvel says walk the fuck away now or there will be giant fists in your future. But Becky is ready for such altercations. She hits a button on her wrist and dons a shiny, transparent suit of armor. Ms. Marvel calls it “cute” until Becky rams into her belly at full force. Then it’s, like, “shit”.

Of course, Ms. Marvel doesn’t get too incapacit—oh wait.

Well ain’t this development a kick in the ol’ teeth? We’ve found our Big Bad, folks!

“Plasma armor. Custom made. Isn’t it awesome?” Becky brags as Ms. Marvel pants heavily on the ground. Then, while Becky’s posse is like “hmmm, maybe we should just take a step back and–”, Ms. Marvel punches Becky in the belly with a giant fist.

Now that fighting is actually happening, the Cadets wonder what they should do. It’s decided to call Captain Marvel. She’ll put a stop to this chicanery.

“You know what I’ve always thought is funny about your powers?” says Becky, throwing a punch. “You exert so much force that you have to spend as much time trying not to hurt people as you actually do fighting.” Hey, that’s not that funny! I was expecting something funny! Do you see me laughing??

Ms. Marvel shrinks to the size of a rat within a wink and climbs up to Becky’s wrist, pulling wires out of the armor controller device. She beefs back up and is about to perform a finishing blow, when the loud, booming, L. Ron Hubbard-type voice of Captain Marvel says “Stand down, Junior!”

Captain Marvel demands an explanation tout suite. Everyone shuffles sheepishly. Then Ms. Marvel grows some cahones and tells her mentor that this predictive justice thing isn’t working for her. “We’re not creating fewer victims of crime – we’re just creating different victims.” She requests the disbanding of the Cadets, but Captain Marvel doesn’t want to do that just yet. Predictive justice is working, you’re just being a close-minded asshole about it, little miss!

Anyway, can she still count on her to follow through with the program? Great! Thanks! Bye! And Captain flies away, leaving Ms. conflicted and hurt.

“You heard the boss… back to work,” sneers Becky. Yeah, back to work all right. You’ll see how this “work” shakes out, Basic Bitch.

Out of my way! Diarrhea time!

“Changing the future is a big responsibility,” says Becky as Ms. Marvel runs away. “Some people are too sentimental to handle it.” She calls Ms. Marvel “weak” and that Captain Marvel can see the weakness in her, too. “It’s only a matter of time before they’re at each other’s throats. And that’s when I’ll make my move.”

Oh, Becky. I’ve seen your “moves”. You look like a rubber chicken hooked up to a car battery, girl. Very uncoordinated.

Later that evening, Ms. Marvel ruminates upon confronting Captain Marvel about how flawed predictive justice really is. That it can be rigged. That everyone can go to jail that way. And then the jails will be overcrowded. And then people will die. And the world will blow up. And God isn’t real. That sort of catastrophizing can really put someone in a tizzy!

She runs out in the middle of a random street and calls out for Hijinx, who doesn’t answer her call. When she’s about to walk away dejected, Hijinx tackles her to the ground and tells her “no!” NO NO NO! Whatever you want, NO!

“What if I said I want you to plan a crime?” Ms. Marvel says seductively. And Hijinx is very intrigued, to say the least!

That night, Kamala visits Bruno, who is still comatose like a loser. “GLRMZTF” he says, but not really. “Bruno? It’s me. You gotta wake up. Everybody’s freaking out.” Then she tells him that she’s trying to fix her mistakes, and that she’s taken a lot of her friends for granted lately. As she cries, an alarm goes off.

“Clear the room! He’s crashing!” yells Conan O’Don Imus. Weak pulse! Broom in the butthole! He needs surgery NOW!

Kamala looks sad!

OK, final thoughts for real this time.

Final Thoughts

Remember when you were a kid and your best friend almost blew himself up to death and you were struggling with a moral dilemma around incarcerating criminals before they even committed crimes? Ahhh, high school…

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #9! In the previous installment, Ms. Marvel is tasked by Captain Marvel to help a group of teens spearhead a crime-busting movement that involves busting the crime before it even happens! Ms. Marvel is caught within a morality issue that Captain Marvel, her hero, is condoning. This could end in a brass-knuckled fist fight. Just metal hitting teeth at 50 mph. It’s going to be brutal fun! Stay tuned!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #9 [September, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson

Sixteen-and-a-half years ago, in Karachi, Kamala’s mother slumps pregnantly on a balcony overlooking the neighborhood. Aamir, likely six years old or something, has stayed up all night watching “Powder-Poof Girls” to practice his English in preparation for the move to New Jersey. The kid is very excited to move and live for another 16.5 years jobless.

Muneeba’s mother comes out with a couple of mugs of tea. Muneeba is worried about losing their sense of Pakistani culture, especially with Aamir being so young. And the new baby? She’ll know nothing but video games and Captain America! What the fuck is that? Muneeba wants to stay!

Muneeba’s mother is like “look, bitch, travelling is in your blood. Why, her own mother walked from Mumbai to Karachi with no shoes while pregnant and carrying a 60” television on her back during Partition. Surely you can board a plane, whiner.

To help her feel better, Muneeba’s mother gives her those fancy bangles that we keep seeing get passed down from generation to generation. “Oh, Ammi… they’re so old-fashioned,” Muneeba gripes. Her mother is like “fine, pass them down to your own daughter then, you ungrateful snob.” Muneeba wonders if there’s something more to them than meets the eye. Her mother agrees. She’s always had this nagging feeling like there’s some secret strength they carry, waiting to appear…

*opening credits, Happy Days music blares*

We cut to the scene already in progress: Ms. Marvel in Josh’s house. He asks her what the ever-loving fuck she’s doing in his smelly bedroom. The rest of the Pre-Crime stoppers rush into the room and tackle Josh to the floor. “Joshua Richardson, we’re detaining you to prevent to the crime you are about to commit,” says Jonah, bending his arm behind his back cop-style. Ms. Marvel urges everyone to slow down and take a deep breath before someone gets a knee on their neck. Heather confiscates the laptop. “You’re planning to cause a power surge in the electrical grid at Coles Academic High School at 9:55am tomorrow morning,” says Becky. “A fire will break out. There will be casualities.”

Josh is like “slow your roll, bruh” but doesn’t really deny it either, much to Ms. Marvel’s chagrin. His parents burst into the room like Kramer going “MUH SON, DON’T TAKE MUH SON” but Josh is like “yeah, they’re gonna take me. Sorry.”

Nice crotch shot. What is this? A Batman comic book cover?

Becky tases the kid in the nutsack. He says “ACK!” like Cathy and collapses. Josh’s parents cry in each other’s arms. Ms. Marvel slumps on the stairs conflicted and dejected. “It was supposed to be glorious,” she thinks. “But it isn’t. And I don’t know how to fix it. But I know someone who can.”

She immediately visits Captain Marvel in low Earth orbit, somehow. Captain asks Ms. what the hell she’s doing in space like some sort of space woman. Ms. Marvel lays out the whole situation, says that she personally knows the kid who is going to melt down his school but hasn’t even done it yet.

“This was never going to be easy or simple, kiddo,” Captain Marvel says, placing a hand on Ms. Marvel’s shoulder. Squeezing it in a death grip. Knocking her unconscious. Just kidding. Or am I? “And I’m sorry your friend is in trouble, but if we only hold people we don’t like accountable, we’re not on the side of justice. You have to be strong now. Do what’s right even if it hurts.”

Ms. Marvel tells her that Becky brandished a taser, and Captain Marvel is like “Yeah, that’s not cool. Keep them in line, idiot. That’s your job. What’s the matter, sister? Can’t handle it?”

Captain Marvel turns her back to the kid and dismisses her. Ms. Marvel folds her arms and looks at her mentor with skepticism.

You want to go to Canada? Get in line, pal! This country blows!

Later that day, in a warehouse on the waterfront, Becky and the Cadets are dressed like Nazi soldiers as they walk up and down rows of windowed cells full of bad guys who haven’t even committed the crimes yet that they were thinking about committing.

Marco goes to Becky and tells her they may have a problem. “The press suspects we’ve been lying about having the authority to detain people here,” he says, brows furrowed. Becky’s idea is to throw the press Hijinx if they come snooping around. But Josh, whose face is masked like Hannibal Lecter, poses a threat until 10am the next morning! Keep him detained.

Bruno, Nakia, and Zoe, who somehow know that Josh is at this particular waterfront warehouse, burst in and demand to see Josh. He’s being held illegally!

“Zoe?!” yells Josh incredulously.

“Don’t ‘Zoe’ me! Were you seriously planning to fry the school’s power grid because I broke up with you?! What kind of demented sicko logic is that?!”

Zoe tells Becky that her mom’s a bigshot lawyer and her dad’s a bigshot city council member, so get that kid out of that cell now before she gets subpoenaed and/or city council’d! Becky acquiesces, but only for five minutes. Then he’s back in there shitting in the corner of the cell like the little rat that he is.

Josh tries to defend himself to Zoe by saying that he didn’t want anyone to get hurt, he just wanted to show people how much he’s hurting by bursting like a destructive geyser of toxic masculinity. “I never wanted to burn down the school. I just wanted to scare people,” he argues. A real winner, this kid.

Well, Zoe empathizes more than any rational teenage girl should over this. She tells him that their breakup had nothing to do with him in particular. She was just all oogly-googly in the head, you know? “The whole world almost ending thing made me think about a bunch of stuff. I realized I had to be honest about some things.”

Then she admits that she’s a lesbian with a crush on Nakia. Surprise!

If by “extralegally” you mean “very legally”, which is definitely the definition based on common sense, then yes!

Meanwhile, outside the warehouse, Ms. Marvel gets mobbed by the media. And by that I mean one correspondent and one camera. Ms. Marvel tells them to hold their respective horses and let her sort some shit out. She promises she’ll have plenty to say after a moment and, furthermore, w– *closes warehouse door on them*

Inside, Becky and Bruno are arguing about the ethics of keeping a kid prisoner for a crime he didn’t even commit yet. “If he’s messed up, keeping him in a concrete room by himself isn’t gonna make him less messed up,” Zoe says. Good job, G. Willow Wilson. Bringing out the mental health therapy argument for crime. That’ll go over well with your many, many far-right conservative readers!

Ms. Marvel is so tired of hearing the arguing that she embiggens herself to fill the room to get their collective attention. “GUYS!” she screams, causing Bruno to fall backwards hilariously. Possibly on top of a cactus or a cake. Ms. Marvel tells them that there’s a crowd outside ready to hang everyone by their nuts if they don’t come up with some fast answers. And since Captain Marvel put her in charge, they’re all gonna do what she says! Goddamnit!!

But, yeah, Josh stays in the holding cell since he’s going to blow up the school. Better not risk that. “I can’t believe this!” exclaims Bruno. “You’re gonna side with Basic Becky and the Junior Fascists against your own friends?!” And Nakia is like “Ms. Marvel sucks, we’re not friends with her anyway. *sticks tongue out* Bluh!”

The day is over. Kamala is sleeping at the kitchen table, face covered in cereal. Tyesha whispers to Aamir while they’re doing dishes that she’s worried about Kamala. She’s always tired and she doesn’t seem to have any friends anymore. Go fix it.

“Hey. Booger. Wake up,” he says, poking her roughly with his poop-smeared finger. He tells her to say her evening prayer and go to bed. Also, Bruno called earlier about going to get Josh, whatever that means. Anyway, I–

Kamala grabs her bag and books it out of the house, dons her Ms. Marvel clothes, and makes a fierce face that could scare cats and the elderly. Her friend is going behind her back? Nuts to that! She needs to stay in Captain Marvel’s good graces or she’ll never be allowed in the Avengers!

“The Cadets put an electromagnetic lock on the door of the warehouse to make it harder to break into. And knowing Bruno, he probably built some sort of fancy-pants device out of paper clips and chewing gum to get through it.”

Oh, he gets through it, all right.

Bruno! No! You forgot to slather on your anti-explosion salve!

She finds Bruno standing outside the warehouse slightly messed up and shocked, but verbal. She thinks he’s ok at first until he collapses on the ground. Likely dead. Oh well.

Final Thoughts

Bruno’s funeral will be held on Tuesday. Visiting hours are from 8am – 6pm. We’re going to launch his remains to Mars where he always wanted to visit. Crying is prohibited.