The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 2: “Saidin”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Leya does not give a SHIT about the Dragon Reborn. She wants to talk to Moiraine ASAP about, you know, women stuff like makeup and Robert Pattinson. She moseys over to Moiraine’s lavish… uh… hut.

Min and Perrin talk about Min’s vision of Leya’s death. Perrin is like “LIGHT, we gotta stop that from happening. But BURN ME, we can’t!” And Min gets incredulous about this power she has that she doesn’t want. Nobody wants anything. Nobody wants to be ta’veren and no one wants special seer powers.

Loial the Goat Boy comes over to hear Min complain about being roped into all this nonsense, but Loial feels honored to be surrounded by such importance. He says he’s thinking about writing a book about it all (maybe he’ll call it the Wheel of Boredom).

Rand emerges from Moiraine’s hut all numb and weird. Apparently, Rand and Moiraine spend all their waking hours arguing with each other. The Shienarans, once skeptical of Rand’s role as the Dragon, are fellating him every chance they get. Even Uno, the jerk. Perrin tries talking to Rand, but he’s all weird about it. Laughing incredulously about being who he is (Mormon). They discuss Mat, Egwene, and Nynaeve in Tar Valon and they hope they’re ok.

Rand and Moiraine have been arguing about intervening at Almoth Plain where the Whitecloaks and Domani and Taraboners are fighting. Rand thinks they should, Moiraine thinks they shouldn’t, but Rand argues anyway even though he knows she’s right. He’s bitter about that. Rand’s bitter about everything these days. He’s no fun anymore. He was never any fun to begin with anyway!

Rand is going to face Ba’alzamon again one day, just like he does at the end of every book. All of a sudden, the world around them shakes. Rand is so overflowing with saidin that it must escape or he’ll, like, explode all over the place. The rest of the camp is injured and pissed following this mini earthquake. Perrin asks Rand to come join them for dinner, but he won’t. Perrin walks away.

Stupid Rand. I never liked that kid with his dumb red hair and his dumb gray eyes. Someone should One Power him off a cliff.


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Jane’s Journey, Chapter 3 – From Wolfspire to Winterwood

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In Ironsworn, you are a hero sworn to undertake perilous quests in the dark fantasy setting of the Ironlands. You will explore untracked wilds, fight desperate battles, forge bonds with isolated communities, and reveal the secrets of this harsh land. Most importantly, you will swear iron vows and see them fulfilled—no matter the cost.

I find myself staring down the path that leads northeast out of town. Just three hours ago I was waking from another stupid nightmare about chapels and blood, and now I’m questing alone for a bottle of potion in a town that will take me gods-only-know how long to get to. I was assured by wanderers and merchants in town that the trip should take not but an afternoon. Of course, these men are used to a horse under their legs. I have nothing but my own two feet to guide me.

Nevertheless, I take stock of my supplies: the bow and quiver over my back are much lighter than I expect, which saves my energy for a burden of medicines, skins of water, a knife, and a small sack of nuts and fruit. It’s summertime, so I don’t expect to need extra clothing for the elements, and hunting and gathering won’t seem necessary for an excursion that should only last me several hours one-way. As a precaution, I am bringing my knife. One never knows when she might need a knife.

The well-worn path twists around the white and brown mountain walls. High up on the cliffs the evergreen trees do no work blocking out the noon sun, but other than these geographic features there is nothing much to see. I was assured that staying on the main path will take me straight to Winterwood, and that the few branching paths I come across can be ignored. After a time I started to let my guard down. Surely Hirsham would have insisted that I stay home had this journey been too treacherous.

Based on the sun’s movement in the sky I estimate that about an hour has passed. I intend to take a quick rest at a low cliff, which I endeavor to climb to sit in the grass under the shade of a canopy of evergreen trees, but I slip during the ascent and skin my leg badly enough to draw blood. “Shit!” I scream; unladylike, but there is no one around to care if a noble woman of the House of Kormack belts out a curse. It caught me off guard, besides. Steeling myself, I try climbing the low cliff again and reach the top without another incident. It is a pity to waste a bit of poultice this soon into my quest, but the wound stings and is bleeding a fair amount. I pat it down with some clean cloth and apply the poultice. Then I take a swig from a skin of water. So much for rest, but the shade is nice.

It wasn’t until another two hours on the trail that encountered my first real problem. Prowling down the path toward my direction was a large, gray wolf. I froze in my tracks, blood rushing out of my head with panic. Wolves were kept at bay by the wardens hired to surround Wolfspire; rarely did they get close enough to town to pose a significant threat to anyone. No one told me I’d run into a wolf on the road to Winterwood, but here it was stalking toward me. I tried to take small steps forward, but my sidling had alarmed the creature who must have food or cubs nearby to protect. I continued sidling and shakily reached for my bow. As if clairvoyant, the wolf started running toward me. I nocked an arrow on impulse and loosed it. Not a terrible shot; I nicked something. I didn’t see blood, but I heard a cry of pain as the wolf hobbled backward a few steps and maintained poise. Bolstered with confidence, I nocked another arrow. “I’m not afraid of you!” I yelled with a little more quaver than I would have liked. The wolf answered by baring its teeth and growling. I took a step forward, and this time the wolf ran at me. Taken aback again by the beast’s sudden aggressiveness, I stumbled backward and lost my aim. Before the wolf could sink its teeth into… I didn’t even want to imagine… I loosed the arrow and hit its leg square and true. The yelp was louder, and this time I could see blood. After tripping and falling down, I believed for a moment that this was the end. The wolf had his moment to end the fight now, but it didn’t advance. It stayed put, growling weakly.

From the ground I loosed one more arrow. It hit the ground at the wolf’s paws, but it was enough to finally scare it off. It ran up the path away from me, the beat of its paws thunderous between the otherwise silent mountain walls. I waited for minutes — it could have been hours — listening… listening for other wolves that were possibly around to avenge their brother. Listening until I heard nothing but the birds in the trees high above. I felt around me, making sure that I wasn’t wounded or in pain. Not a scratch. I couldn’t believe my good fortune! Wait until Glynn back home heard about this! He’ll never believe that I staved off a full-grown wolf without harm!

…then I realized that I’d be lucky if I didn’t see another during my travels. Next time I may not be so capable.

I continued for another hour or two without incident. I found the trickle of a stream near a part of the road that branched off in a new direction. Someone had jammed a crude signpost on the corner with labeled arrows pointing in three directions: forward toward Winterwood, backward toward Wolfspire, and north toward Wolfstone. “Not very imaginative with the names,” I thought as I filled a skin with water from the stream. The sun was starting to get lower in the sky behind me, and I realized that I must gain ground if I were to get to Winterwood before nightfall. I pressed on.

My situation kept worsening on the next leg of my mission. Not only was I ambushed by a wolf, who wounded both my calves and my left forearm with minor bites, but I slipped down a hill during the fight and spilled all the contents of my sack of supplies. After I miraculously fended off the wolf, it took me a bit of time to retrieve all my items (especially my knife, which I thought I had lost completely until I found it in a brush). By then I was stressed over losing more daylight. I unrolled a bedroll from my sack and lied down on it, resting my weary legs and applying more poultice to the bites. I was running out of medicine fast and made a plan to barter for some more when I made it to Winterwood. If I made it to Winterwood. No, no, I must not think like that. I’m almost there, for the sake of the Gods! I have to stay positive.

I filled all my skins to the brim with water before I set off for what would be the final leg of my travels. Facing no other major incident, I saw the town as I passed over a hill. It was larger than Wolfspire for sure, but contained no major houses. I know Winterwood is sworn to Wolfspire, so I didn’t worry about facing any major trouble.

But I couldn’t think about that now. The sun had long past set. It was time to find an inn for the night.

Click here for all the boring game-related notes! On second thought, don’t bother!

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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 1: “Waiting”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

A lot of waiting happens.

I mean, sort of. Perrin and a group of Shienar-type people (including Uno, Masema, and Ragan) are sitting atop horses in the mountains waiting for… something. Moiraine, ever the slave driver, has forced these fools to wait in the mountains all winter. It’s cold! And boring! Shinarans are not good company. They growl a lot.

A woman approaches on horse, finally. While they wait for her, Perrin shoots down a raven hovering above them. Messengers of the Dark One, these ravens. Bad hoodoo.

The woman has the colorful, odd clothes of a Traveler. A Tinker. Those people who roam the lands searching for a song they don’t know, but once they find it they’ll know? It’s really dumb. Her name is Leya and she seeks Moiraine, and Perrin leads the way to a camp in a clearing in the mountains. Along the way, Leya discusses the peaceful ways of her people and Perrin gets mad at her peaceful ways.

Perrin welcomes her to the Camp of the Dragon Reborn. And the book kicks off!

Maybe.


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Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3 – “Dark Moon Rising (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Batman and the Mad Monk limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3 – “Dark Moon Rising (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, we follow quite a few threads of story, each one more important than the last! Batman is sneaking up on vampires. His girlfriend, Julie Madison, finds Bruce Wayne to be one suspicious cat. Her alcoholic, possibly schizophrenic father, Norman Madison, is trying to cut ties with kingpin Sal “The Boss” Maroni. Jim Gordon has a lot of dead bodies on his hands, bodies with their necks chewed out.

How is this all going to come together at the end Curb Your Enthusiasm-style? Will Larry David outlive all his old-as-fuck friends? Why does Susie stay with Jeff anyway? And lol that Cheryl Hines is married to RFK Jr., a man I’ve seen described as “someone who looks like he pays women money to shit on his face”.

Anyway, Batman.

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3 [December, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Dark Moon Rising (Part 3)”

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3

“Easy does it there, Bruce,” Batman tells himself grimacingly. “He’s no good to me with a concussion.”

Batman is slamming a motherfucker against a car, all breaking the windshield and everything. It’s nuts. “I don’t care if that hurts. I am a master of pain and suffering and you’re my latest guinea pig. Now… WHO IS THE MONK?”

The car is indeed a hearse. A hearse used to transport bloodless vampire-afflicted bodies to the morgue. This guy claims that he don’t know nothin’, but Batman asks again. “What is ‘The Brotherhood’?”

The guy says it’s just his crew! His homies! Just hangin’ out at 7-Eleven and Gamestop, yo! Batman promises a world of pain if this guy doesn’t fess up. Broken bones. Dislocated shoulders. Hot pokers up the tuchus. Forced episodes of Peppa Pig. The guy stammers… he’s more afraid of what he’ll do to him if he squeals, Batman ain’t got nothing on that.

“And what makes you certain I won’t kill you?” Batman growls.

“Nah, man… I ain’t talkin’ about killin’. It’s… it’s worse than that! Far worse…”

Batman doesn’t want to hear about forced Parcheesi tournaments with the Monk! He throws this guy on top of a wooden crate, splintering it into pieces. Now that he’s knocked out cold, Batman wonders who could possibly be scarier than “The Bat-Man”. He inwardly fumes over this. No one is scarier than The Bat-Man! NO ONE! Not even Gary Busey!

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3

Funny, Bruce Wayne was telling me this exact thing earlier.

Meanwhile, Julie Madison is hanging out with her annoying rich friends. It takes them a while to notice that Julie isn’t very engaged in their blitherings. It turns out she’s preoccupied with worry about her dad. You know, the shiftless alcoholic fuckface? He needs help, and so on. Anyway, a woman who looks like some 1950s floozy, cigarette holder and all (it’s Dala) overhears the conversation and tells the women that her boyfriend is a “private counselor to some of the country’s most influential men.” Julie thanks her for the offer, but she wasn’t really looking broadcast her family’s problems. Not unless the local news asks her and she can have her 15 minutes of whorish fame! Don’t we all?

“Oh, my apologies,” says Dala. “I did not mean to intrude. You just seemed to need someone to listen. So I listened. In my native country, there are far too many secrets and, thus, far too much misery and despair.”

Blah blah blah, lady. Enough about your “old country” (Papua New Guinea, most likely). Anyway, she extends a hand to Julie and introduces herself as Dala Vadim. She continues to pry about Julie’s father, wondering if he’s acting out of character or floating through his day like a mindless zombie. Yes! Yes yes yes! He also keeps shitting himself and not cleaning the shit!

Julie confirms that she is an only child, and her mother died years back. By now Julie’s friends have blown this sad-sack popsicle stand and don’t intend on looking back. Dala advises that Julie visit her friend Niccolai so that she can get the blood sucked out of her neck… er, I mean… get her dad some help. After proffering the distressed lass Niccolai’s card (“Discreet Consultations”), Dala fucks off into the night tout suite!

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3

Eyeball crème brûlée is on the menu tonight, gentlemen.

Elsewhere, Sal Maroni ends up in a sudden impromptu meeting with Carmine Falcone, his dreaded nemesis. Carmine has the upper hand in this conversation, since he caught Sal unawares and everything. “You know how Iike things to run smoothly, don’t you, Sal?” he sneers. “And you know I like my capos to look after their own dealings.”

Sal looks like someone’s about to take a meat tenderizer to his tender nutsack. The Batman is bad enough, but what about Norman Madison? He showed up to Carmine to try to pay back money that he owes Sal! What the fuck, Sal? Keep your damn business out of Carmine’s face, fucker. Or you’ll get a torch to your eyeballs, and whatnot.

Sal agrees to keep the situation in check. Whew, that was a close one! Don’t worry, it’ll probably end well for him. I just know it!

Julie comes home at the end of a long night drinkin’ and finds her key unable to work. Norman’s butler, Mr. Anti-Pennyorth, opens the door and tells her that Dear Old Dad had all the locks changed. Even the one to his private study! So get the fuck out, daughter. Nobody wants you around!

Julie raps on the study door and Norman answers looking like he just saw four scary ghosts! “I’m fine darling! I’m fine! Just… busy, that’s all!” he mumbles before slamming the door into her face.

“He needs help,” she thinks. “Even if he won’t ask for it himself.” So, certainly, she’ll call this complete stranger to come over and suck the juice out of his jugular. And I’m here for it!

That night, Batman strikes sexy full-paged poses as he swings around Gotham City. Forget vampires for a moment, he has other fish to fry: Sal Maroni’s missing shipment of heroin that he needs to find before either Carmine or Sal do. 900 kilos! Just imagine how many days in a row you can snort that shit! Yowza!

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3

Good thing I have this Dope-Listening Device that I can use to hear the dope!

After busting up dens full of users, warehouses full of suppliers, and homosexual bathhouses full of dealers, Batman decides that it all points to one singular entity: The Monk! And I’m not talking about Tony Shaloub. Not this time! But what’s the connection? Heroin… bitten necks… hmm…

Bruce retires to his manor where he slumps in a comically oversized chair, wondering if he had somehow… inspired this nighttime crime guy. Creatures skulking in the night. Batman started that shit, and now people seem to think they’re free to do it themselves right here in Gotham? Bruce’s Gotham???

Meanwhile, Julie drives up to an absolutely terrifying castle and raps on the giant door. Dala answers the door looking like Vampirella and invites Julie into the dark, scary death hut. “So very large, yes,” Dala comments about the sheer size of the place, “still, Niccolai, says it is perfect for a life of contemplative reflection. Free from all the trappings and distractions of modern life…”

Dala leads Julie to Niccolai, who looks like warmed-over dogshit. He extends a hand to Julie and invites her to enjoy all the amenities that a dark, dreary castle has to offer.

“What the hell am I doing here?!” Julie thinks. “He wears robes like some kind of monk! He lives in a castle! Daddy will never, ever go for this.”

…but then she gets lost in his sexy baritone voice. His hypnotic eyes. His sallow… gross skin. Niccolai takes Julie by the arm and leads her to a chair. Niccolai sits in one opposite of her. She feels compelled to spill everything about her decrepit father.

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3

His glistening red eyes! Now there’s a man!

And while Niccolai sympathizes with her shut-in father – he himself hasn’t left home in seven years – he is not afraid or desperate as Norman seems to be. Julie tells Niccolai of some legal trouble that Norman has found himself in, but she knows nothing of it. She just knows that Norman has been weird for months with no signs of stopping!

“Tell me, Julie, your father’s business… is he the majority stockholder?” Niccolai says with his slithery voice. And, why, he’s the only stockholder! Excellent, excellent…

Julie takes a sip of tea and immediately feels woozy. Niccolai looks at her with mock concern and announces that she, too, needs relief from her various and many woes…

Julie has a sudden, hazy dream about fighting with a man named Alex. Alex spoke to a waitress like she was a common slut, and Julie chastises him for such rudeness. She demands he take her home, but he slaps her and tells her she should just walk “while she is still able to.” Julie calls Alex a creep. Then a dashing, handsome, young playboy-type of a Wayne Industries-owning man sidles on up and apologizes to the young woman on Alex’s behalf. The rest is history, as they say.

…

Dala asks Niccolai why she let Julie go. He ached for her blood, yes, but her father is worth millions and she may be able to help keep the Brotherhood financially secure. Yes yes, many uses for her, indeed… “As my influence over her grows, she will gain us access to his fortunes. His wealth will be ours. And then the Brotherhood can ravish her as one. Her fluids will also enrich us.”

Gross! Later, Julie is numb and staring into space during a ride from Bruce Wayne. Well, actually, a ride from Alfred. Bruce couldn’t drive a remote control car. They’re on their way to the ballet and Julie is quite distracted to say the least…

She claims she’s a bit hot and removes her scarf… revealing a small vampire-y two-toothed bite mark on her neck…

Bruce makes this face:

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #3

Egad!

Final Thoughts

IT’S ALL COMING TOGETHER ALREADY! Someone sucked on Julie’s neck before Bruce got in there first and now he’ll be out for revenge! Look out, Mad Monk, the bat’s gonna getcha.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Prologue: “Fortress of the Light”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Welcome back to another read-through of the Wheel of Time saga. This time I tackle Book 3, The Dragon Reborn. (spoiler alert, Rand is the Dragon Reborn haha)

Prologues suck, and this one was kind of boring until I got in the groove. Jaret Byar, who was (dead) Bornhald’s right-hand man, stands before Lord Captain Commander of the Children of the Light Pedron Niall (he’s old). There are civil wars and regular wars all over the land. There are false Dragons popping up like weeds. One in particular is named Rand al’Thor. Byar presents a chalk drawing of the lad, which Niall scoffs at! Like this: pah!

Byar namedrops Perrin as the “Darkfriend” who betrayed them to the Aes Sedai, who must have been the ones who fought against them outside of Falme. Obviously! Right?! Anyway, he’s going to go tell Bornhald’s son that his father kicked the bucket.

A Child of the Light named Carridin (not to be confused with Carradine, who hanged himself in Thailand while jerking it in his hotel) enters the chamber to relay his account of the events. It was Darkfriends, Lord Captain Commander Pedron Niall, sir. Bornhald was most certainly one, but then he was fighting against them for some reason, and now we’ll never know the truth since he’s dead as a doornail now. As for this Rand kid, Carridin promises to kill him and all his followers come summer. Niall needles Carridin a bit and asks him why he wasn’t at Toman Head supporting Bornhald. Carradin claims he had other more important tasks at hand (like playing Metroid Prime). Niall ain’t having it.

Niall tells Carridin he has a new fucking task: don’t kill Rand and allow him to instill panic and chaos among the people. Then, eventually, the Children of the Light will move in and kill him themselves. The people will thank them, and they will have the power. Cool? And if Rand dies, or Niall dies, then Carridin dies. Cool??

Next, Niall’s own man Ordeith (who has been sneakily eavesdropping) tells more of Rand and how he’s from the Two Rivers and how much of a nasty little Darkfriend he is. He also knows of two other Darkfriends from Two Rivers: Mat and Perrin. Niall is like “whuuuuut” and has some plans in light of this new revelation…

Next, Carridin gets accosted by a Myrddraal in his own chambers. All like “grrr, I’m a shadow man”. Turns out Carridin is a secret servant of the Dark One. Carridin explains to the Myrddraal that he was called back here by Niall, and the Myrddraal is like “you work for me, bitch”. Carridin is warned that for every month Rand isn’t dead the Myrddraal will kill a member of his family until no one is left. And then he’ll kill Carridin. Bye.

Carridin is in a tight spot! What to do?! What to do?! He’ll die either way. Good thing I don’t care about this character one iota.

Prologue over. That took too fucking long.


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