Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.
Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.
Our Hero!
Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons! I am your host Tom the 37-year-old man-boy, and you will now read thousands upon thousands of words wherein I describe myself fumbling through pre-written Dungeons & Dragons adventures until I give up out of desperation. Today’s adventure that will assuredly take me 78 blog posts to get through is The Death Knight’s Squire, a solo D&D adventure (which means being completely friendless is the whole point!) No dungeon masters, no groups of three or more people. I can sit in the dark in my kitchen at 11:30pm and bang this out by myself. Sounds exciting!
I am prompted to create a Level 2 character. I shall call him Milhouse the Scholar, which already dips well into creative license with the Milhouse Van Houten character because Milhouse is pretty dumb. Not Milhouse the Scholar! He likes reading books!
I decide that Milhouse the Scholar will be an elf. Not just any elf, a high elf. This doesn’t mean that he’s on drugs, but I think it means that he’s arrogant and haughty and thinks he’s better than everyone. Elves are pretty smart, though, and if I’m going to have a scholar on my hands I’m going to need something smarter than an oafish dwarf. I also decide that Milhouse the Scholar will be a wizard, because wizards are smart and they wear pointy blue hats with stars and moons on them. And I most certainly cannot wait to try to memorize 500 spells, confusing rules regarding spell slots and spell memorization. Milhouse the Scholar is 5’0″, weighs 95 pounds, and is nimble and intelligent. As such, I dump more points into Dexterity and Intelligence and I don’t bother with pesky attributes like Strength or Wisdom. I’m not here to be wise. I’m here to be an annoying know-it-all who charges headfirst into demon-filled dungeons while screaming my head off.
A quick search of “chaotic good” comes up with this. Yikes!
Milhouse is Chaotic Good, as many elves are. This tells me that he uses his conscience to make decisions instead of pesky social norms like laws and rules. Basically, he’s stubborn as shit. But that’s ok, because Milhouse’s heart is in the right place and not only does his moral compass point north like a good boy, but he would never do anything to harm anyone. Not anyone that didn’t deserve it, that is!
Milhouse prides himself on his ability to devour tomes and texts with a voracious appetite, so he compensates for his wet noodle arms by being shrewd and spry. However, Milhouse is so obsessed with scholarly pursuits that he is competitive to a fault. If he even catches a whiff of intellectual superiority from you, he will get sulky and resentful and may even try to prove that he’s better than you by rattling off the 900 ingredients in Dung Wort Juice. Here in the Forgotten Realms we call that “toxic masculinity”!
As an elf, Milhouse naturally comes from a village of elves. I’m not sure exactly where this village is in the world of Dungeons & Dragons, but it’s probably somewhere in the Elven Woods and has a name like Nyrkporp or Deschanel. I’m going to call it the village of Bryn Mawr, which is a street in Chicago that sounds pretty elven and fantastical. As a very tight-knit community, Milhouse values his friends and family above everything else (even his books!) and would do anything to protect them. Even if it means sacrificing himself. Even if it means going against his Chaotic Good alignment, which may be put to the test some day. Hmm…
Because Milhouse is a well-meaning young man with scruples, here are the following default behaviors that exist at the beginning of this adventure, but not set in stone. I’m not sure if any of this actually matters for an adventure explicitly written for soloing, but I need to flesh out this nerd’s personality anyway.:
–Milhouse is shy and will generally not use Intimidation (Charisma) or Deception (Charisma) to persuade someone.
–Milhouse is more proficient with ranged weapons and will use them whenever possible.
–Milhouse is thorough and will check every room in a dungeon for books and treasure.
–Milhouse will not initiate an attack unless it’s absolutely necessary.
–When fighting, Milhouse will not aim to kill a human opponent, but animals are fair game!
–Milhouse is careful and will not hurry in any situation unless in dire need.
That’s good enough for now! Milhouse the Scholar has been introduced and maybe I’ll actually start playing the game next time instead of rambling about elves.
See below for my painfully unfunny character sheet!
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