Shane Gillis

Shane Gillis

Shane Gillis’ Official Website

JUMP TO:
(2021) Live in Austin
(2023) Beautiful Dogs

Live in Austin (2021)
Rating: Good

Shane Gillis - Live in Austin

Hey, I heard that Shane Gillis is an insensitive bro prick who makes fun of Asian people and Downs syndrome kids. I heard he got fired from SNL because clips of his podcast surfaced where he and his cohost said some very slurry things in the context of a racist 1940’s NYC landlord. I also heard he’s fat and ugly, and I heard he accidentally got a really shitty Dominican haircut before taping his Live in Austin set. I also heard that’s actually pretty damn funny.

I guess my point is that I’m going to be a Shane Gillis apologist and since you’re not reading any of this anyway, it doesn’t matter! I have had no experience with Gillis before listening to Live in Austin — none. Not his podcast, not Beautiful Dogs, nothing. And this set is fucking hilarious. Gillis’ material is almost entirely political in a manner that doesn’t come from the perspective of someone who wishes to be angry or preachy, but rather from the perspective someone who just wants to soak in all the crazy bullshit going on in America with insane curiosity. He often polarizes the audience with claims such as “Trump is funny” with plenty of arguments to back up his claims. Gillis is right: Trump is funny, but it’s always unintentional, and it’s mostly because he’s a huge autistic jerk with no sense of social norms or decorum. Gillis’ whole bit about Trump turning the 2015-2016 debates upside down on their heads is something I found legitimately humorous in spite of my very strong negative feels toward the treasonous piece of shit. The material is delivered with frat boy congeniality instead of sourpuss bitterness, and who would have thought that maybe this is the way to go?

He has a chunk on how the University of Alabama finally desegregated their football team in 1971 after they got their asses completely handed to them by a team full of black guys from USC (“Hey, uh, we’re 0-4, maybe we should, uh, consider adding some black guys to the team…?”), making the point that football can end bigotry better than anything! Get a whole team of transgendered people to blowout Alabama and you won’t hear anyone complain about their bathroom usage ever again.

Gillis only talks to the audience when he loses them a little bit, but he takes everything in stride. The bit about transgender football was off the cuff after getting slightly heckled, but then he agreed to move on from the topic. Another time he started telling some pretty mild pedophilia jokes and got a bit of a negative reaction, so he was able to move on from that, too. I like a comic who can adjust on his feet, especially when they’re relatively new at the game. Of course, he pivoted from talking about little boy volleyball shorts to how coaching a team of special kids was hilarious to him. “Special kids love ladies and John Cena. That’s it. That’s all we talked about…” And if some of this material seems callous or insensitive to you, then don’t worry! There’s a relatively inoffensive chunk about Gillis taking his heroin-addicted sister to Six Flags that’ll surely tickle those fickle ribs!

Oh yeah, I didn’t even get to mention his fantastic Fox News Dads material! My bottom line is that Gillis is good. He pushes boundaries without being mean-spirited, and he has an everyman temperament about him that’s endearing to lowlife scum like me anyway.

Beautiful Dogs (2023)
Rating: Just OK

Shane Gillis - Beautiful Dogs

Oh, Shane, I had the highest of hopes for you! I was expecting you to top Live in Austin with flying colors! Instead we step down a little bit, pushing a little too hard against uncomfortable boundaries in many cases, and riffing too long on some weaker material.

I’m mostly alone on thinking Beautiful Dogs isn’t a work of genius, but I was on edge that the dude was going to be cutesy and try to drop an n-bomb mid-set. I could see his fingers twitching nervously, feeling out the crowd, seeing if he might lose them. His opportunity was during the George Washington plantation slave reenactment bit! He could have thrown it like a grenade and run away in the chaos!

OK, that’s kind of unfair, but I am an annoying woke asshole sometimes and there was just too much “gay” and “retarded” references in an act from 2023 for me to handle. He does poke fun at himself throughout, claiming that he’s not a Republican “yet”, but being a history buff like himself is a gateway drug for being a Republican and he’s on a slippery slope as it is. Based on Gillis’ set, he must be one of those mythical undecided moderates who literally don’t know who to vote for in 2024. Wild.

There’s a lot of good, though, and the best is the whole George Washington plantation story. Trying to one-up the black slave reenactor trying to push the white guilt with Gillis’ own brand of MENTALLY CHALLENGED FACES had me rolling, and then the whole bit about seeing George Washington’s teeth made of animal teeth, lead, and slave teeth as the last moment of the tour, then getting pushed out into the sunny parking lot going “what the fuck was that?” was the hardest I’d laughed at something a stand-up comedian said in a long time. The jokes about how white people stopped being cool the day Jackie Robinson went up to bat for the first time were fresh as hell, along with the sidebar that predominately white countries that aren’t America don’t have enough cool black guys around to keep the white guys humble. Getting dunked on by a goth in Australia, getting a girlfriend with a Navy SEAL ex, and the furry military general being the scariest soldier Gillis had ever heard of are all top-notch comedy hilarities!

Some of the other stuff, not so much. The whole chunk on sex lands horribly, with unneeded misogyny peppered in through. “What do women do for fun, fold shit?” was so bad that he had to backpedal and legitimately half-apologize for it. It was awkward. Then he disappointedly repeated the “Down’s syndrome guys like titties and John Cena” joke from Live in Austin, a topic that could have been mined for some new takes. The story about watching the war in Iraq streaming online also meandered into nothing, with the ultimate conclusion being “I can relate with the scared dudes.” Some of this stuff could have been worked on a little longer. And, as mentioned before, everything is “gay” and “retarded” like it’s still 2002. Sorry, dude, that’s not cool anymore.

He at least capped off the set with his Trump impressions, which are immaculate. It’s funny to see a comedian make equal opportunity knocks on both Biden and Trump. One is clearly, no contest, the better option for President of the United States of America, but we can’t pretend that he’s not a doddering old fucking man. I’m glad Shane Gillis isn’t pretending he isn’t.

I think the good outweighs the bad by slim margins, but if you have a higher tolerance for frat bro comedy then you’re going to love this way more than I did anyway.


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Superman: Rebirth #1

* Standalone Issue *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: Rebirth #1!

I’m getting a little tired of the New 52, yet I don’t want to stick entirely to the past, so I’m going to jump ahead to hit a few DC Rebirth series to get those comic book juices flowing again! Whatever that means! Those juices never left!

Superman has been more miss than hit, but I hear this is ok. Before we kick off into the 2016 Superman reboot proper, here’s the one-shot that will ease us into it. Off we go.

SUPERMAN REBIRTH! DUN DUN DUUUUN DUH DUH DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!! What kind of wacky hijinks will this stupid, weak asshole get into today?

Superman: Rebirth, Issue #1 [August, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi / Patrick Gleason
“Superman: Rebirth”

Superman: Rebirth, Issue #1

Some sort of dark, but good, version of Superman has a monologue about how he was trying to save Real Superman. He tried to help him while he was too busy saving others instead of himself. Then he died in Metropolis? “There was so much I wanted to say – so much I wanted to hear – but then you were gone… and buried here in Metropolis.

Dark But Good Superman looks at Regular Ol’ Superman’s memorial. It’s a huge, HUGE, base for an eventual statue that will likely be 40 feet tall and a hazard for airplanes.

But then Dark But Good Superman sees something… odd… “Hmm?” he says. This is how I know he sees something odd!

Meanwhile, in the underground access tunnel (of what, I don’t know), a redheaded woman with a ponytail attempts to break open a seal on the wall shaped like Superman’s insignia. The one he keeps on his chest. You know the one! The “S”! See, Rebirth hasn’t changed too much, has it?

Suddenly, she hears the sound of footsteps behind her. “Who’s there?” she gasps. It’s Superman. Not Dead Superman. “CLARK!” she yells so loudly his eardrums burst, and then runs to give him a giant hug. “You’re alive!”

This is Lana Lang, and she confused Dark But Good Superman with Regular Superman. “…I’m afraid I’m not who you think I am,” he tells her. She gives him the eyebrows of consternation. Then she jabs a finger in this imposter’s chest and gives him the Business.

Superman: Rebirth, Issue #1

Fucked up if true, sir. Beards always mean evil, you know.

“How do you know my name,” she asks him, the guy, the one who knows her name somehow.

“It’s a long story that I’m not able to talk about for a variety of… personal reasons.”

WHAT A COP OUT! I don’t like this guy at all! Very suspicious! Tremendously, even! Lana recognized him as the guy who was there. You know. There. As in, he hoisted Clark’s bulk back to Earth and “laid him down in front of them”. And then he left! Took off! Flew the fuckin’ coop! And again, it was for personal reasons. Diarrhea, mostly.

“Okay, how about answering me one simple question: What are you doing here?”

“I’m waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

“For your Superman to come back.”

“Come back to what?”

“To life.”

How very mysterious! This guy is just a beacon of riddles. A fountain of intrigue. Lana continues her pissy hissy fit, telling this guy that Clark is dead. Dead is dead, and he’s not coming back to life. “Rawr!” she says. “Rawr!” But Not-Superman says he has faith. Like that’s going to help at all whatsoever.

Not-Superman changes the subject and points out Lana’s array of interesting devices. She responds that she’s an engineer and that she makes things to do things (Tom’s note: I’m an engineer too and I don’t know how to make or do shit). When Not-Superman asks her what she’s doing down her, Lana tells him that she’s keeping a promise. She intends to steal Clark’s corpse and bury him next to his dead-ass parents back in Kansas. Not-Superman advises her to stop what she’s doing and be patient; he’s going to come back to life and whatnot.

Superman: Rebirth, Issue #1

Oh man, Superman is going to screw up his own Rebirth, isn’t he?

How does Not-Superman know that rebirthing is hard? Because he died once, don’tcha know? Doomsday killed him! Lana says, yeah, they had to deal with Doomsday too. And then Not-Superman slaps her right across her mouth and goes “mine was worse”.

Not-Superman explains that Doomsday came out of nowhere and severely injured some Justice League members. No rhyme or reason to his appearance and his wake of death of destruction. Not-Superman got cocky, thought he could beat Doomsday with the ol’ one-two-buckle-my-shoe, but not at all. “His bony protrusions somehow tore through my skin,” he says. He actually says this, I didn’t make this up this time.

And for the first time, he was scared.

Then all of Smallville was killed, I guess. He’s talking like he’s Real Superman, but I know the harsh truth.

“To stop him, I had to be every bit as ferocious and unrelenting as I could. Doomsday wasn’t getting past me no matter what the cost. There was no holding back. I put everything I had left into one last punch.”

Pow.

And then Doomsday hit him back, and, well…

They both died?

Then a small circle of light appeared and he was Rebirthed?

Doomsday wasn’t even the bad guy! He has a boss and his boss is named fuckin’ Mongul. I remember that guy from earlier times. I read a lot of comic books now.

Mongul killed Smallville. Now it’s Metropolis time! This is why Rebirthed Not-Superman is back, baby. And Regular Superman came back, too. For real. He means it.

Lana Lang doesn’t believe one word of his cockamamie story, but he knows why he’s here. We wants to steal Clark’s skeleton bones, too. He wants to keep them somewhere safe.

Superman: Rebirth, Issue #1

Because Clark calls it his “Jerkin’-Off Hut”.

Not-Superman talks about how he intends to respect Regular Superman’s privacy and not go find his Fortress of Solitude for some reason. Unless absolutely necessary. Now it’s too late anyway, because he can’t find it anyway with following Superman. Who’s dead. Keep up.

WELL, LANA LANG KNOWS WHERE IT IS! She was there once to watch episodes of Sons of Anarchy. Not-Superman lasers the plaque on the wall, and Lana tells him that she’ll show him where it is if he takes her and Clark’s remains with her. Leverage, bitch. Upper hand, son!

They travel to the Arctic, somehow. It doesn’t show them how, they’re just automatically there. I’m guessing blimp. Not-Superman zaps something and the Fortress lets him in. It doesn’t look cozy at all. A couple of robot eyeballs float in to ask how then can help, and Not-Superman needs to find the Regeneration Matrix (lamp-shaped toaster). How convenient that they can just shoot this Regeneration Matrix laser or whatever at Clark’s rotting corpse and it will bring him back from the dead. Fantastic.

The robots can’t detect the Regeneration Matrix. “No such artifact exists within the confines of the Fortress,” they say unhelpfully. Lana Lang stares at a Kryptonian crystal and stuff happens.

Superman: Rebirth, Issue #1

Just kidding! I’m a hilarious little crystal, aren’t I??

A hologram of Superman shows up like Tupac. “If these crystals have been activated, it means I’m dead, Kara. Like we spoke about last time we were here together… you’re the last Kryptonian, our beautiful and fragile adoptive home world needs you now more than ever…”

Superman knows a lot of women, huh? Very suspicious.

“…it needs it’s Supergirl to be ready.”

Meh.

Not-Superman gets kind of choked up. “The Superman of this world is dead. And I can’t bring him back.” Well, that settles that! Let’s bring him back to Smallville and throw his decrepit bones in the fucking garbage can. I mean creek. I mean, bury him by his stinky parents.

Lana Lang grabs a shovel and intends to dig a giant hole, which would usually take hours but we don’t have that kind of time. So she digs it in maybe five minutes while Not-Superman smiles and says touching words and sniffs and burbles.

“All that tomorrow is missing…” he says importantly, “…is Superman.”

Final Thoughts

Stupid.


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Black Science, Issue #2

* Part 2 of 6 of the How to Fall Forever storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #2! In the previous installment, we get snippets of Grant McKay’s backstory as he evades a planet (?) full of sentient, warlike fish and frog creatures. He has dabbled in black science and betrayed many of his friends, some of them getting killed. He doesn’t want his family to get killed. That’s an important point that gets reiterated often.

He needs to get back to the pillar, and he does, and he and his team get transported to some other planet (?) full of soldiers and spacey warships. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on yet, but hey! That’s what Issue #2 is for!

Right?

Black Science, Issue #2 [December, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender

Black Science, Issue #2

Hey, at the beginning of the comic I get a nice “Previously on Black Science” synopsis! I should just copy and paste that shit lazy-style. I hate “writing”.

OK, so where were we? I had to learn a bunch of names that were not “Peter Parker” so bear with me as I try to get my bearings on this comic book. There exists an idiom in this story: “from pillar to post”, meaning either to wander aimlessly from place to place OR from one bad situation to another. This will prove important when this story is ONLY about one bad situation to another.

Grant McKay (I assume) rolls (what looks like) a joint (marijuana). His work is finished after ten years; he never thought he’d see the day. “Sara still thinks this is all a validation quest. She thinks it’s a sickness. She doesn’t know anything.”

Sara, as you recall, is Grant’s wife. Whom he has failed. By fucking up irrevocably somehow using BLACK SCIENCE!

It’s a nice thought that Grant did this for the betterment of mankind, but he really did it because he loves science! And he’s not happy doing much else.

A very sexy woman in lingerie asks Grant why he becomes so introspective when he’s high. Can’t they just enjoy the moment?! Jesus.

Flashback – or flashforward, perhaps, I dunno – to Grant, his team, and his children stranded in the middle of god-knows-where Warzone Town that ended Issue #1. They didn’t get home as intended because SOMEBODY SMASHED THE HOMING BEACON! I’m looking at you, John Oliver. Now they can’t control where the pillar jumps. Grant’s son Nate snivels and sniffs. And, also, the timer is broken so it just decides on its own how much time is left before the next jump. In this case, four hours.

Black Science, Issue #2

Relax, that’s enough time to watch, like, 1/10th of Avengers: Endgame

So the team freaks out at Grant even though this isn’t his FUCKING fault. Someone sabotaged the controls on purpose. Kadir, Mr. Boss of this Operation, screams at Grant to fix the machine. HE built it for criminy’s sake! Grant’s kids start crying. They want to go home. Don’t we all, kiddos. I’m at work right now and I’d love to go home.

Grant assures his wretched children that he’s on top of it. Meanwhile, Grant’s shoulder is hemorrhaging blood. Well, I mean, not hemorrhaging… more like just bleeding. Sorry about the overdramatic vibes, man.

Rebecca and Chandra fight. Rebecca wants to help Grant, but she shouldn’t get a say. This is Kadir’s project after all. Kadir calms these two ladies down and brings up the point that ONE OF THEM sabotaged the machine? Is that what’s going on here? Why have a saboteur in our midst? Are we ruling out John Oliver, because that would be Mistake #1, buddy.

“Maybe a design engineer worried about what would happen if the project was a success and she was no longer needed?” Kadir suggests smugly, referring to Rebecca while Chandra smiles devilishly. Rebecca gets fucking livid and calls Kadir a son of a bitch, but this only makes Kadir smile like the Joker. “Maybe someone wanted to extend the project for some other reason no one has thought to mention.”

Ward is a burly, beefy man, and he shoves Kadir like the asshole that he is. Tells him to go suck a dick. Eats his butt for dinner. That sort of thing. So Ward gets begrudgingly appointed temporary leader because he’s in charge of security and he can protect their skinny asses while the machine gets repaired.

“Hey, Pia, you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?” asks Shawn.

“What?” responds Pia.

“You wind it up and it plays with your kids.”

I’m glad we can get a little levity in this harrowing situation! Shawn bringin’ the goods.

Some German soldier speaks Germanly as he descends down into the bunker. “DIE TCHEROKESEN BRECHEN DURCH UNSERE LINIE–!” he yells, which roughly translates to “my pants are moist in a brown way in the back of my pants”. Shawn yells as he is ambushed. “SABOTEURE!” screams the soldier. Grant leaps in front of Shawn as a bayonet gets shoved right into his side. Dingus.

Ward does fist punches into faces and grabs the soldier’s gun. Pointing right at the soldier’s face, Ward yells “WHO ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?! WHERE ARE WE?”

Black Science, Issue #2

Sprechen Englisch, por favor!

Kadir has gone to German School so he knows his way around an Oktoberfest. Meanwhile, Grant really is hemorrhaging blood this time and it’s not looking good. It’s scaring the kids for one thing, which is rude. Chandra didn’t think to pack the medical kit, which is almost as rude. Rebecca calls her, the Safety Regulator, a useless cow.

After a brief, hostile, German conversation, the soldier tells Kadir that they’re fighting Indians. As in, Wakan Tech-Tanka, Mecha-Hopi, Apache Tomahawks, Navajo War Crows, the whole shebang. From an uncharted continent. Isn’t that wild? Maybe it’s the Endless Nation.

Kadir smiles that Joker smile again. “We are also travelers from a far away land, Private Schmitt,” he tells the soldier (named Private Schmitt). “We are desperate to get home, but the man you just stabbed is our ticket back. Help us or I won’t be able to control my friend’s rage.” The friend he’s referring to is John Oliver! Or Ward, as the case may be.

Schmitt tells him that an Indian Shaman will do the trick. Just go over there in the direction of that U.S.S. Enterprise-lookin’ warbird. Good luck, chucklefucks.

SEVEN HOURS EARLIER, the crew celebrates finishing the Pillar! “This– this will change the course of our history!” says Jen the Dead Lady. Grant agrees. Yay Science!

“To have access to any resource needed from any dimension – this is the key to preserving our species!” Jen jubilates. Kadir is cynical, and quite peeved actually that they tested the Pillar without him even in the room. Chandra rats out the team, tells Kadir it wasn’t on the official schedule. Grant just figured to give a test run to see if nothing exploded before giving Kadir a holler.

“I greenlit this. Funded it. Gave you the chance to succeed after a lifetime of missed opportunities. This is beneath even you.” Kadir gives Grant a cold, hard stare.

Black Science, Issue #2

Now, now. Let’s not bring Mr. Block into this. Dude smells like fertilizer.

Kadir thinks this was done on purpose. Grant left him out of this as an act of defiance! Two can play this defiant game! *Kadir sneers at Grant*

The thing is, Kadir thought the project would fail. He’s glad he was wrong about Grant and his team’s ineptitude. And now he can take all the credit! So congrats, nerds!

Back to the Indian-German War. Ward grabs a done and leads the march toward the Shaman. His internal monologue tells us that Grant gave Ward a second chance after getting dishonorably discharged from Dishwasher Repair Academy. Now he owes him a favor, like not letting him die in front of his kids. And suddenly, as they press forward, a giant robotic eagle goes KRAWKK! at them. It hovers near the team, appears to be taking photos with its glowing eyes, and flies away. The team sits confused for a brief spell before moving forward.

“Hey, Ward,” says Shawn.

“Yep.”

“What’s the longest organ in a sheep’s body?”

“Dunno.”

“Kadir’s dick.”

Ward remembers being in Afghanistan. This place is hot just like there. He had read his grandfather’s World War I journal before boot camp. Just page after page of horrors of trench warfare. “Never seemed possible anything could be that terrible. But this… this is worse.”

Futuristic Indians surround dead bodies. A German soldier screams for mercy. Rebecca bends over Grant’s lifeless body and tells him to wake up. Please.

Etc.

Final Thoughts

I’m only slightly intrigued thus far. Alternate histories aren’t really my thing, although I do like all the cussing and Kadir seems like a real jerk I’d like to get to know better.

Other than that, though real D- stuff. See you next time.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48 – “Suspended”

* Part 3 of 8 of the Cats & Kings storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48 – “Suspended”! In the previous installment, the Kingpin is back, baby, and he’s fatter and balder and meaner than ever! And he wants revenge against Spider-Man because the little shithead has cost him millions of dollars.

Parker is beside himself to learn that Fisk has beat murder charges and is back in the country. Meanwhile, a politician named Sam Bullit is running an ad campaign for his “against Spider-Man” platform. And to make matters worse, J. Jonah Juicy Jameson just fired Parker! D’oh!

Things are looking up!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48 [December, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Suspended”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

Parker lets himself into Jameson’s office asking for his “zip discs” back, so lmao 2003. He paid for them with his OWN money and he’s going to GET THEM BACK. *a puff squeaks out of Parker’s butthole*

Jameson tells him to get on with it, and also he wasn’t fired for what he said. It was for how he said it! Parker thinks this is, and I quote, “a total load, man”, and he starts defending himself.

“It was how I said it? All I did was ask you a question. I wasn’t yelling or being anything but polite. I asked you a question.”

Oh wait, he’s going to talk a lot right now! Go make yourself a snack. Parker whines about how Jameson just didn’t like the answer to Parker’s question (which, by the way, was “why are we going after Spider-Man instead of Wilson Fisk”, in so many words) and then fired him as a hissy fit.

Jameson doesn’t like this act of assertiveness from young punks like Peter Pickmynose Parker. The kid is now DOUBLE fired! SECURITY! THIS KID IS BEING MEAN!

Robbie Robertson asks this mustachioed spaz if he’s just going to fire every person who wins an argument. “Jonah, I’ve known you for twenty years. I know you know that kid is right on the money.”

In short, fuck you Triple J. Ol’ Robbie’s taking his ball and going home.

Meanwhile, Parker puts on the Spidey costume and flies around town in an angry cacophany. “Now I’m going to have to go get a job at the mall or something. Excuse me, sir, would you like cheese on your hotdog on a stick? Cheese dog maker by day, superhero by night? This is my life?”

You’re fucking 15 years old, jerk.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

Who’s that beautiful, dashing young man??? Couldn’t be New York’s Handsomest Vigilante???

Spidey stares at the Fisk building and cries about how one of his murderous enemies gets off scott free. Then he catches an anti-Spidey billboard and has a thought: “Hey, if I’m such a piece of crap… I might as well go over there and act like one.”

Our hero swings over to Fisk’s building while Fisk has a meeting with an advertising team. They’re weighing the pros and cons of more public appearances. Pros: New York’s larger businesses have always benefitted from his philanthropic endeavors. Cons: He’s fat.

In other news, people in the city still view him as a Kingpin of Crime. Because he is! The fat guy is Mr. Crime Man. And he shouldn’t present himself as arrogant and cocky while you whip your d–

THUMP! Spider-Man smacks into the window, which doesn’t break. And he just kinda starts sliding down to his certain death!… but, he’s able to grab onto the ledge just in time. Fisk walks over to the window and smiles down at the Spidery Nonsense before him. Then he gives Spidey a little “call me” hand gesture. Spidey gets fucking angry, man. Just starts wheezing and sniffing. He punches the window; hard. “Come out here!! Come out and face me, you!! You son-of-a–!!”

Fisk doesn’t waver from his victorious grin. Spidey gives up and swings away. He’s probably fifteen minutes late on his masturbation time.

The next day at school, Parker brings up Fisk during his class’s Current Events discussion. “Can we talk about this Wilson Fisk being allowed to walk around like he didn’t kill someone?”

The class collectively facepalms. The teacher will entertain this topic as long as Parker takes his masturbation time elsewhere.

“Well, the court said he didn’t,” responds the teacher.

“No. The court threw out the videotape of him murdering someone as evidence – didn’t say he didn’t do it.”

“Well, our legal system…”

“Sucks.”

“No, we have a system of checks and balances.”

“And it sucks.”

Parker asks the teacher straight up. Straight up now tell me do you really wanna… think this is right? Does she think it’s fair? She tells Parker that the judicial system has its flaws, yes, and he needs to look at the bigger picture… uh… well… Fisk does a lot of good for the city… and… and, uh… anyone have any questions about the homework?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

WHEN FISK DOES A MURDER IT’S OK, BUT WHEN I PEE IN THE MALL FOUNTAIN IT’S A “CRIME”.

Needless to say, Parker starts openly ranting to the point where his teacher has enough and tells him to step outside and get the hell out of her class and also beat it. The whole class is affronted, like they can’t believe she just told a kid to leave for asking important questions.

“FINE!! I think I learned enough today.” Parker swings the door open and stomps his little boots out of the room. Next, he shows up at Aunt May’s work to tell her that he’s suspended. Suspended for, like, maybe being a little too rambunctious!

“You lose your job and get suspended in one twenty-four hour period,” May points out, looking alarmed and sad. “Are you sure you didn’t threaten her?”

NO! AND IF SHE SAYS I THREATENED HER THEN I WILL SWING A FUCKING SHOVEL IN HER FACE! “All I did was, like, ask about – do you know this Wilson Fisk thing? The guy murdered someone on videotape and now he’s all like walking around free…”

May takes this to mean that Parker is actually projecting his anxiety over Uncle Ben’s murder. Don’t forget, that murderer is in jail. Hard time jail, man. Death row. Bread and water. He will never hurt him again. Parker frowns and doesn’t have the heart to correct her and continue the discussion, especially since she spills her own guts about her husband’s gruesome, grisly, icky sticky murder.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

Score one for May Parker, bitches!

May picks up the phone and calls the Daily Bugle, much to Peter’s complete chagrin. He makes this really funny face like he’s choking on a clown. May calls Jameson a shallow-minded, inconsiderate piece of rat shit with a Hitler mustache and slams the phone down! You go gurl.

Cut to Ben Urich in District Attorney-hopeful Sam Bullit’s office. Interview time! Mr. Bullit, your campaign strategy is to demonize Spider-Man even though stuff like crime and prostitution and Macy’s Parade floats with holes in them are running rampant through the streets of their fair city. Speak on that plz.

And it’s the same old spiel. Spider-Man is a symbol for crime. Masked men and women can’t be running around the city going nuts and stealing purses and beating up giant octopusses. “I think it’s affecting the city in a profound way,” he adds. “I think the damage is to our souls… and it’s time to take back control of our streets.”

Urich is a little skeptical of this stance, but humors the Bullit Man nonetheless. What about the superheroes that work for the government?

Oh, those are ok. Captain America? He has a boss! Spider-Man ain’t got no boss! Spider-Man is bossless!

What about mutants? Are these people also similarly dangerous to the city just because they get a bad rap? “It’s a complicated issue and I’m still looking into it,” Bullit responds. The President of the United States says humans and mutants can live together in harmony, but if I’m reading between the lines here, Sam Bullit wants to shoot all the mutants in the skull with his AR-15. Is that right, sir?

Urich doesn’t like the way this guy smells.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

Fisk borrowed Bullit’s shower curtain that day.

Bullit makes a face of arrogant victory until Urich points out the picture behind him of Fisk fishing with he and his law partner. “That was a hell of a fishing trip,” Bullit comments suspiciously. Urich asks if Wilson Fisk is also someone who needs extra public scrutiny. “How do you mean?” Bullit asks. He means, uh, the man killed a guy on video and he’s walking around taking giant dumps on the sidewalk as a free man. Bullit’s law partner, Walter Dini, is his personal “lawyer”. Care to comment?

Well sir, Bullit doesn’t like this line of questioning one bit! “I thought we had an understanding.” Bullit grits his teeth. Urich doesn’t back down. Here’s here for FACTS. This is JOURNALISM at its most pure, and he’ll get decapitated by the Taliban if he has to in order to get the scoops he needs! Darn tootin’.

“I just wanted to know how your affiliation with mob lawyers would affect your–”

“Mob lawyers? There’s no such thing as mob lawyers.”

“There’s no such thing as–?”

“There are lawyers that work for the mob, which is an entirely different–”

“So you’re saying that that there is a mob and that your law partner works for them?”

“No, you’re putting words in my–!!”

“You just said – I can play it back–”

“I was trying to argue the term — the term you used.”

“Did you or did you not just say–”

“See, there’s these–”

“–that your partner worked for the mob.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

I’M THE GOOD COP AND YOUR THE BAD COP! SAY IT!!

Bullit grabs Urich’s recorder and breaks it against the desk. “You lookin’ for trouble? You lookin’ to get hurt?” Bullit points his ugly finger at Urich’s face. “We had an understanding.”

Well, J. Jonah Jameson is floored to hear this news. And Urich is floored to tell his boss that he had a sneaky secret unsmashed tape recorder in his pocket. Jameson is a little miffed; Urich was supposed to just do a simple interview. Not a motherfucking interrogation! Grrr!! “We’re endorsing this man.”

Urich was fine with that, but he asked a simple question and the guy started falling apart immediately. He just fed him a little more rope, is all. And then he threatened him. “Jonah, this whole thing stinks. This is so beneath you.”

Jameson tells Urich to watch his mouth. Urich doesn’t back down. He never backs down. He’s like Tom Petty, except Tom Petty backed down by dying.

“Jonah, seriously,” Robertson pipes in, “all this just to hang a guy in a costume? I just – I really don’t understand. What is your problem with Spider-Man?”

Jameson gives one of those famous J. K. Simmons stink-eyes.

Then the phone rings.

And it’s May Parker.

And, well, we know how that turns out.

Final Thoughts

That bitch boss, yo. Jameson is going to beg Parker to return to his old post lest he feels the unbridled wrath of Aunt May. She’ll flay him alive.


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Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7!

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [June, 1973]

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

”Ghosts”

According to the SUSPENSEFUL cover art, the Andrews family is moving! And Archie will never see his vapid friends at Riverdale High again? And he’s going to have to say goodbye to all of them? LOL!

But apparently we’re not getting that, because this story is called “GHOSTS” which couldn’t further from the idea of mov… WAIT A MINUTE! ARE THERE GHOSTS IN ARCHIE’S HOUSE? IT’S STARTING TO ALL MAKE SENSE!

A bucktoothed Archie is thumbing through one of his yearbooks. The narration gets excited! “Hey! Anyone remember the ‘Patch Hop’? Talk about action! Wonder why they don’t revive that one?” Here’s what the patch hop is: any girl who can jump on you and break your back irrevocably long enough to sew a patch on the back of your shirt while you’re kicking a screaming bloody murder is forced to go on a date with her to the dance. Archie wants the right girl to jump his bones and not Ugly Hortense, the Mule of Town. Or Ophelia Gluetenschnable, who actually looks like she smells like fart vaginas. She jumps Reggie, who is able to get out of harm’s way just in time.

Archie rolls by in his decrepit jalopy that’s all chugging and popping and Reggie hops in quickly. The car is going so slow that Ophelia is still kinda able to catch up, and even though it’s plugging along at 1.25 miles per hour they lose Opehlia in the dust. Fuck her! Right fellas? Ugly girls are no use to anybody!

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Things are about to get sexy here at Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe!

Pop’s is the place to be! Reggie notices that Archie has been patched. Yep, by Veronica! “That Ronnie makes my socks roll up and down!” Archie says bewilderingly. Suddenly, Veronica and Betty burst into the diner. “Forget the fun and games, guys! We’ve got troubles!”

Oh yeah? Did Electric Light Orchestra release another album? Heh heh. Nope, Mr. Weatherbee is quitting his job as principal. Their general is deserting his troops to go sew wallets in Vietnam. We see him try to empty his desk while his secretary, Miss Grundy, doesn’t want anything to do with it. She calls his plan “dumb” and, what’s more, she kicks him right in the balls! And then Mr. Weatherbee pukes up his balls and then he commits seppuku.

After all that, Weatherbee exits the school while passing by a throng of unhappy-looking students. “Speechless with joy, probably,” Weatherbee grumbles in his mind. When he actually leaves through the front doors he is met with a rallying cry of “DON’T GO! STAY! RICKI TICKI TACKI TEE! WHAT’LL THE NEW MAN NEVER BE? HE’LL NEVER BE A WEATHERBEE!”

“WE WANT OUR LEADER!”

Well, sir, this effusive display of saccharine affection did the job! Weatherbee does an about face, marches right up to his desk, and tells off his brand new boss! “Get yourself another boy!” he says, feet up on the desk. The student body is thrilled for some reason.

All the while this is just Archie dreaming. Dreaming about getting patched by the hottest girl in school and then rallying to get his stinky principal to stay.

This had nothing at all to do with ghosts! I was hoping for some bustin’.

”The Hard Ones”

Archie and pals are laughing at a notice on the school bulletin board. Student volunteers to work on a Sunday?!?! HA HA HA HAAAA HAA HEHE HHEHEH HHHEEEE HEHEH HO HAHAHA HOO HEE HOO HOO HOO HA HA HAAA HAAAAAA!!! HEE EHAHEHAH HEHOAHEOAHEHOA!!! EHAOHEOJAIWIHI!!!

Weatherbee told Miss Grundy this was a bad idea! Who the FUCK is going to want to come into school on a Sunday to chisel gum off of Mr. Weatherbee’s nutsack?

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Maybe you should sweeten the deal with free little fun packets of nose candy, Principal.

“If the whole thing wasn’t so ridiculous, I’d get mad!” cries Archie, getting mad anyway.

“Yeah!” agrees Jughead. You get ‘em, Jughead.

Betty and Veronica come into the hallway to wag their fingers at the boys. Maintaining the school is noble work, and they’re dropping their underoos and taking giant craps all over everything!

Well, it would be noble if the school board didn’t slash the budget recently. They can’t even afford janitors anymore! Or pencils or books or teachers or dirty looks. “Plaster cracking – paint peeling!” Weatherbee moans while pulling bits of plaster off the walls.

“We could always just let it run down, until the taxpayers were shamed into approving a larger budget!” Miss Grundy suggests. At this point we see Archhead, Reghead, and Juggs overhearing the conversation with shameful looks. But then they’re like “bah!” and “pah!” about it. Stupid building! It’s for the birds!

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

I like the way Snrub thinks!

Come Sunday, Weatherbee and Grundy are working on the building along with fresh-faced volunteers Betty and Veronica… and three altruistic strangers off the street.

“Er — No sign of Archie, Jughead, or Reggie, eh?” Mr. Weatherbee asks, simultaneously expecting the three boys to be there despite their very public denouncement of the very idea AND unable to notice a fake black mustache on a redhead when he sees one.

Miss Grundy calls the three boys unsentimental slobs.

Then I think Weatherbee catches on, because he starts crying and blowing his nose into his handkerchief, and we all are supposed to find this funny because it’s 1973 and the criteria for humor was “whatever Boomers thought was funny when they were 13 years old.”

The end.

”The Last Farewell”

Ah, now here’s the story promised on the cover! Archie’s gettin’ the boot out of Riverdale and no one’s going to be able to help him! Let’s observe…

“Riverdale High means a lot to your boy!” says Mr. Weatherbee.

“He’ll get over it!” says Archie’s dad.

Then it’s settled! Archie’s gonna get over it. Bye bye, Riverdale! Hello East Harlem, New York City, baby!

“This new contract I got means a better job and a lot more money!” says Mr. Andrews. “I’ll be able to support my family better!”

Weatherbee thinks this is a bad idea, and he should know! He tried to quit himself two stories ago! “I’m going to miss that boy of yours something fierce!” says Weatherbee, betraying a smidgen of his pedophilic urges.

Kids keep walking by in the halls dressed like early ‘70s clowns. It’s a really blast from the past! This one kid has polkadots and stripes! It’s a sight to behold!

Miss Grundy yells to Mr. Andrews as he leaves that Archie won’t take this lightly. He’s going to cry and pout and throw pans at your head and kick and scream and fly airplanes into government buildings, but Mr. Andrews ain’t worried one iota. Why?… … … …oh yes, Archie’s “obedient”. Well, that makes me feel better.

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

But, son! B-b-b-b-b-but the obedience!

“Archie! This isn’t like you!” Mr. Andrews looks out of his element. “You’ve never contradicted me before!”

“Sorry, Pop! Anything, Pop! Ask me anything! For you and Mom there’s nothing I wouldn’t do! But please – not this!! Not leave Riverdale High!!”

Oh, calm down. I’m sure you’ll become fast friends with kids in the neighboring town like Itchy Randall, Mabel the Stable, and Poop Ron.

Archie is making quite a loud scene, and Mr. Andrews is starting to get a bit angry. “To bed, Archie! The subject is closed!”

So, obedient Archie retires to bed at 4:45pm. And, in the middle of the night, Mother Andrews has discovered that their little boy has disappeared! Run away! Flew the coop! Probably dead in a ditch, we hope! “What’s this world coming to? When even the good ones, like Archie, turn on their parents and run away!!!” Mr. Andrews growls as he puts on his best drivin’ hat and scours the neighborhood looking for his lost son as if he were a runaway dog or a grandfather with Alzheimer’s.

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Or even some sort of nasty little valedictorian!

Mr. Andrews discovers a light on in the school and prays to his Horse God that Archie didn’t break into the building at 3am. And yes, he finds his little wuss of a son crying at his desk in his homeroom. “Gulp!” says Mr. Andrews. Well, let me tell you something friends. Mr. Andrews’ heart grew three sizes that day. And after he returned from the hospital for this abnormal cardiomegaly, he tears up his contract for his new employment and sends the shredded up paper to Mr. Weatherbee.

And, of course, thinking it’s anthrax, Mr. Weatherbee leaps out of the second story window and lands on his fat head, killing him instantly.

And Archie stays at Riverdale. What a completely underwhelming story that barely involved anything about a farewell whatsoever. At least Weatherbee was killed!

”The Rewards”

“Oh, man! Am I in trouble!” Archie is sprinting down the school hallway, nearly stampeding right over a girl in an ugly black and yellow plaid dress. “When you’re meeting Veronica and you’re late – What are you in? — Altogether now! — TROUBLE!”

He runs by Weatherbee’s office where he discovers Miss Grundy sniffing as if she’s been [snorting cocaine] crying. Archie stops in his tracks and checks the old woman out as she pulls a handkerchief out of her purse. “The old girl’s pretty broken up! I can’t just ignore it!” he thinks, ignoring the TROUBLE! that he’s assuredly going to be in if he misses his zit-popping appointment with Veronica.

Archie quietly tries to get Miss Grundy’s attention.

“EEP!” she bellows. Then she quickly shuffles around her purse as awkwardly as a boy like Archie would scramble closing a laptop playing Hella Porno.

Archie points out to the woman that, yes, he noticed her crying. What the crap is wrong with you, lady?

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Your misery is my fucking business now, honey.

Archie rudely forces Miss Grundy to relay her personal private business to him, some 17-year-old little pukeface. She insists that she’s actually happy, not sad. “Sometimes people cry with joy!” she says unconvincingly. “Happiness as well as tragedy can bring tears!”

Well, she seems to be able to back up her story. She was sent a letter from a former student who sent her a picture of a baby.

This is all very cunting sentimental. Archie agrees that it’s a nice thing to receive letters from former students. Maybe Archie will send Miss Grundy a letter someday that will say “EAT SHIT, YOU OLD HAG!” and then signed on the bottom with a drawing of Archie wearing sunglasses.

So Archie gives the old woman a kiss on the cheek and tells her that being a student can be rewarding too if they have great teachers! HA HA HAHA! Archie comics sure are funny!

Archie runs back out to the hallway where Veronica looks pretty dang upset at issues related to punctuality. Archie is 15 minutes late and these zits won’t pop themselves!

Archie tells her that another woman was holding him up. An older woman. Veronica freaks out to the point of a goddamn heart attack while Archie and Miss Grundy wink at each other.

Veronica dies in the hospital. The end.

Final Thoughts

Didn’t we have fun, kids? Archie didn’t have to move away! Too bad, I was really rooting for Mr. Andrews to drag his delinquent son to North Korea as he works in his job as tour guide for the Dear Leader Museum. Maybe in a future issue! You never really know what you’ll stumble upon in Archie’s world!


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