Black Science, Issue #2

* Part 2 of 6 of the How to Fall Forever storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #2! In the previous installment, we get snippets of Grant McKay’s backstory as he evades a planet (?) full of sentient, warlike fish and frog creatures. He has dabbled in black science and betrayed many of his friends, some of them getting killed. He doesn’t want his family to get killed. That’s an important point that gets reiterated often.

He needs to get back to the pillar, and he does, and he and his team get transported to some other planet (?) full of soldiers and spacey warships. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on yet, but hey! That’s what Issue #2 is for!

Right?

Black Science, Issue #2 [December, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender

Black Science, Issue #2

Hey, at the beginning of the comic I get a nice “Previously on Black Science” synopsis! I should just copy and paste that shit lazy-style. I hate “writing”.

OK, so where were we? I had to learn a bunch of names that were not “Peter Parker” so bear with me as I try to get my bearings on this comic book. There exists an idiom in this story: “from pillar to post”, meaning either to wander aimlessly from place to place OR from one bad situation to another. This will prove important when this story is ONLY about one bad situation to another.

Grant McKay (I assume) rolls (what looks like) a joint (marijuana). His work is finished after ten years; he never thought he’d see the day. “Sara still thinks this is all a validation quest. She thinks it’s a sickness. She doesn’t know anything.”

Sara, as you recall, is Grant’s wife. Whom he has failed. By fucking up irrevocably somehow using BLACK SCIENCE!

It’s a nice thought that Grant did this for the betterment of mankind, but he really did it because he loves science! And he’s not happy doing much else.

A very sexy woman in lingerie asks Grant why he becomes so introspective when he’s high. Can’t they just enjoy the moment?! Jesus.

Flashback – or flashforward, perhaps, I dunno – to Grant, his team, and his children stranded in the middle of god-knows-where Warzone Town that ended Issue #1. They didn’t get home as intended because SOMEBODY SMASHED THE HOMING BEACON! I’m looking at you, John Oliver. Now they can’t control where the pillar jumps. Grant’s son Nate snivels and sniffs. And, also, the timer is broken so it just decides on its own how much time is left before the next jump. In this case, four hours.

Black Science, Issue #2

Relax, that’s enough time to watch, like, 1/10th of Avengers: Endgame

So the team freaks out at Grant even though this isn’t his FUCKING fault. Someone sabotaged the controls on purpose. Kadir, Mr. Boss of this Operation, screams at Grant to fix the machine. HE built it for criminy’s sake! Grant’s kids start crying. They want to go home. Don’t we all, kiddos. I’m at work right now and I’d love to go home.

Grant assures his wretched children that he’s on top of it. Meanwhile, Grant’s shoulder is hemorrhaging blood. Well, I mean, not hemorrhaging… more like just bleeding. Sorry about the overdramatic vibes, man.

Rebecca and Chandra fight. Rebecca wants to help Grant, but she shouldn’t get a say. This is Kadir’s project after all. Kadir calms these two ladies down and brings up the point that ONE OF THEM sabotaged the machine? Is that what’s going on here? Why have a saboteur in our midst? Are we ruling out John Oliver, because that would be Mistake #1, buddy.

“Maybe a design engineer worried about what would happen if the project was a success and she was no longer needed?” Kadir suggests smugly, referring to Rebecca while Chandra smiles devilishly. Rebecca gets fucking livid and calls Kadir a son of a bitch, but this only makes Kadir smile like the Joker. “Maybe someone wanted to extend the project for some other reason no one has thought to mention.”

Ward is a burly, beefy man, and he shoves Kadir like the asshole that he is. Tells him to go suck a dick. Eats his butt for dinner. That sort of thing. So Ward gets begrudgingly appointed temporary leader because he’s in charge of security and he can protect their skinny asses while the machine gets repaired.

“Hey, Pia, you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?” asks Shawn.

“What?” responds Pia.

“You wind it up and it plays with your kids.”

I’m glad we can get a little levity in this harrowing situation! Shawn bringin’ the goods.

Some German soldier speaks Germanly as he descends down into the bunker. “DIE TCHEROKESEN BRECHEN DURCH UNSERE LINIE–!” he yells, which roughly translates to “my pants are moist in a brown way in the back of my pants”. Shawn yells as he is ambushed. “SABOTEURE!” screams the soldier. Grant leaps in front of Shawn as a bayonet gets shoved right into his side. Dingus.

Ward does fist punches into faces and grabs the soldier’s gun. Pointing right at the soldier’s face, Ward yells “WHO ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?! WHERE ARE WE?”

Black Science, Issue #2

Sprechen Englisch, por favor!

Kadir has gone to German School so he knows his way around an Oktoberfest. Meanwhile, Grant really is hemorrhaging blood this time and it’s not looking good. It’s scaring the kids for one thing, which is rude. Chandra didn’t think to pack the medical kit, which is almost as rude. Rebecca calls her, the Safety Regulator, a useless cow.

After a brief, hostile, German conversation, the soldier tells Kadir that they’re fighting Indians. As in, Wakan Tech-Tanka, Mecha-Hopi, Apache Tomahawks, Navajo War Crows, the whole shebang. From an uncharted continent. Isn’t that wild? Maybe it’s the Endless Nation.

Kadir smiles that Joker smile again. “We are also travelers from a far away land, Private Schmitt,” he tells the soldier (named Private Schmitt). “We are desperate to get home, but the man you just stabbed is our ticket back. Help us or I won’t be able to control my friend’s rage.” The friend he’s referring to is John Oliver! Or Ward, as the case may be.

Schmitt tells him that an Indian Shaman will do the trick. Just go over there in the direction of that U.S.S. Enterprise-lookin’ warbird. Good luck, chucklefucks.

SEVEN HOURS EARLIER, the crew celebrates finishing the Pillar! “This– this will change the course of our history!” says Jen the Dead Lady. Grant agrees. Yay Science!

“To have access to any resource needed from any dimension – this is the key to preserving our species!” Jen jubilates. Kadir is cynical, and quite peeved actually that they tested the Pillar without him even in the room. Chandra rats out the team, tells Kadir it wasn’t on the official schedule. Grant just figured to give a test run to see if nothing exploded before giving Kadir a holler.

“I greenlit this. Funded it. Gave you the chance to succeed after a lifetime of missed opportunities. This is beneath even you.” Kadir gives Grant a cold, hard stare.

Black Science, Issue #2

Now, now. Let’s not bring Mr. Block into this. Dude smells like fertilizer.

Kadir thinks this was done on purpose. Grant left him out of this as an act of defiance! Two can play this defiant game! *Kadir sneers at Grant*

The thing is, Kadir thought the project would fail. He’s glad he was wrong about Grant and his team’s ineptitude. And now he can take all the credit! So congrats, nerds!

Back to the Indian-German War. Ward grabs a done and leads the march toward the Shaman. His internal monologue tells us that Grant gave Ward a second chance after getting dishonorably discharged from Dishwasher Repair Academy. Now he owes him a favor, like not letting him die in front of his kids. And suddenly, as they press forward, a giant robotic eagle goes KRAWKK! at them. It hovers near the team, appears to be taking photos with its glowing eyes, and flies away. The team sits confused for a brief spell before moving forward.

“Hey, Ward,” says Shawn.

“Yep.”

“What’s the longest organ in a sheep’s body?”

“Dunno.”

“Kadir’s dick.”

Ward remembers being in Afghanistan. This place is hot just like there. He had read his grandfather’s World War I journal before boot camp. Just page after page of horrors of trench warfare. “Never seemed possible anything could be that terrible. But this… this is worse.”

Futuristic Indians surround dead bodies. A German soldier screams for mercy. Rebecca bends over Grant’s lifeless body and tells him to wake up. Please.

Etc.

Final Thoughts

I’m only slightly intrigued thus far. Alternate histories aren’t really my thing, although I do like all the cussing and Kadir seems like a real jerk I’d like to get to know better.

Other than that, though real D- stuff. See you next time.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48 – “Suspended”

* Part 3 of 8 of the Cats & Kings storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48 – “Suspended”! In the previous installment, the Kingpin is back, baby, and he’s fatter and balder and meaner than ever! And he wants revenge against Spider-Man because the little shithead has cost him millions of dollars.

Parker is beside himself to learn that Fisk has beat murder charges and is back in the country. Meanwhile, a politician named Sam Bullit is running an ad campaign for his “against Spider-Man” platform. And to make matters worse, J. Jonah Juicy Jameson just fired Parker! D’oh!

Things are looking up!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48 [December, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Suspended”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

Parker lets himself into Jameson’s office asking for his “zip discs” back, so lmao 2003. He paid for them with his OWN money and he’s going to GET THEM BACK. *a puff squeaks out of Parker’s butthole*

Jameson tells him to get on with it, and also he wasn’t fired for what he said. It was for how he said it! Parker thinks this is, and I quote, “a total load, man”, and he starts defending himself.

“It was how I said it? All I did was ask you a question. I wasn’t yelling or being anything but polite. I asked you a question.”

Oh wait, he’s going to talk a lot right now! Go make yourself a snack. Parker whines about how Jameson just didn’t like the answer to Parker’s question (which, by the way, was “why are we going after Spider-Man instead of Wilson Fisk”, in so many words) and then fired him as a hissy fit.

Jameson doesn’t like this act of assertiveness from young punks like Peter Pickmynose Parker. The kid is now DOUBLE fired! SECURITY! THIS KID IS BEING MEAN!

Robbie Robertson asks this mustachioed spaz if he’s just going to fire every person who wins an argument. “Jonah, I’ve known you for twenty years. I know you know that kid is right on the money.”

In short, fuck you Triple J. Ol’ Robbie’s taking his ball and going home.

Meanwhile, Parker puts on the Spidey costume and flies around town in an angry cacophany. “Now I’m going to have to go get a job at the mall or something. Excuse me, sir, would you like cheese on your hotdog on a stick? Cheese dog maker by day, superhero by night? This is my life?”

You’re fucking 15 years old, jerk.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

Who’s that beautiful, dashing young man??? Couldn’t be New York’s Handsomest Vigilante???

Spidey stares at the Fisk building and cries about how one of his murderous enemies gets off scott free. Then he catches an anti-Spidey billboard and has a thought: “Hey, if I’m such a piece of crap… I might as well go over there and act like one.”

Our hero swings over to Fisk’s building while Fisk has a meeting with an advertising team. They’re weighing the pros and cons of more public appearances. Pros: New York’s larger businesses have always benefitted from his philanthropic endeavors. Cons: He’s fat.

In other news, people in the city still view him as a Kingpin of Crime. Because he is! The fat guy is Mr. Crime Man. And he shouldn’t present himself as arrogant and cocky while you whip your d–

THUMP! Spider-Man smacks into the window, which doesn’t break. And he just kinda starts sliding down to his certain death!… but, he’s able to grab onto the ledge just in time. Fisk walks over to the window and smiles down at the Spidery Nonsense before him. Then he gives Spidey a little “call me” hand gesture. Spidey gets fucking angry, man. Just starts wheezing and sniffing. He punches the window; hard. “Come out here!! Come out and face me, you!! You son-of-a–!!”

Fisk doesn’t waver from his victorious grin. Spidey gives up and swings away. He’s probably fifteen minutes late on his masturbation time.

The next day at school, Parker brings up Fisk during his class’s Current Events discussion. “Can we talk about this Wilson Fisk being allowed to walk around like he didn’t kill someone?”

The class collectively facepalms. The teacher will entertain this topic as long as Parker takes his masturbation time elsewhere.

“Well, the court said he didn’t,” responds the teacher.

“No. The court threw out the videotape of him murdering someone as evidence – didn’t say he didn’t do it.”

“Well, our legal system…”

“Sucks.”

“No, we have a system of checks and balances.”

“And it sucks.”

Parker asks the teacher straight up. Straight up now tell me do you really wanna… think this is right? Does she think it’s fair? She tells Parker that the judicial system has its flaws, yes, and he needs to look at the bigger picture… uh… well… Fisk does a lot of good for the city… and… and, uh… anyone have any questions about the homework?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

WHEN FISK DOES A MURDER IT’S OK, BUT WHEN I PEE IN THE MALL FOUNTAIN IT’S A “CRIME”.

Needless to say, Parker starts openly ranting to the point where his teacher has enough and tells him to step outside and get the hell out of her class and also beat it. The whole class is affronted, like they can’t believe she just told a kid to leave for asking important questions.

“FINE!! I think I learned enough today.” Parker swings the door open and stomps his little boots out of the room. Next, he shows up at Aunt May’s work to tell her that he’s suspended. Suspended for, like, maybe being a little too rambunctious!

“You lose your job and get suspended in one twenty-four hour period,” May points out, looking alarmed and sad. “Are you sure you didn’t threaten her?”

NO! AND IF SHE SAYS I THREATENED HER THEN I WILL SWING A FUCKING SHOVEL IN HER FACE! “All I did was, like, ask about – do you know this Wilson Fisk thing? The guy murdered someone on videotape and now he’s all like walking around free…”

May takes this to mean that Parker is actually projecting his anxiety over Uncle Ben’s murder. Don’t forget, that murderer is in jail. Hard time jail, man. Death row. Bread and water. He will never hurt him again. Parker frowns and doesn’t have the heart to correct her and continue the discussion, especially since she spills her own guts about her husband’s gruesome, grisly, icky sticky murder.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

Score one for May Parker, bitches!

May picks up the phone and calls the Daily Bugle, much to Peter’s complete chagrin. He makes this really funny face like he’s choking on a clown. May calls Jameson a shallow-minded, inconsiderate piece of rat shit with a Hitler mustache and slams the phone down! You go gurl.

Cut to Ben Urich in District Attorney-hopeful Sam Bullit’s office. Interview time! Mr. Bullit, your campaign strategy is to demonize Spider-Man even though stuff like crime and prostitution and Macy’s Parade floats with holes in them are running rampant through the streets of their fair city. Speak on that plz.

And it’s the same old spiel. Spider-Man is a symbol for crime. Masked men and women can’t be running around the city going nuts and stealing purses and beating up giant octopusses. “I think it’s affecting the city in a profound way,” he adds. “I think the damage is to our souls… and it’s time to take back control of our streets.”

Urich is a little skeptical of this stance, but humors the Bullit Man nonetheless. What about the superheroes that work for the government?

Oh, those are ok. Captain America? He has a boss! Spider-Man ain’t got no boss! Spider-Man is bossless!

What about mutants? Are these people also similarly dangerous to the city just because they get a bad rap? “It’s a complicated issue and I’m still looking into it,” Bullit responds. The President of the United States says humans and mutants can live together in harmony, but if I’m reading between the lines here, Sam Bullit wants to shoot all the mutants in the skull with his AR-15. Is that right, sir?

Urich doesn’t like the way this guy smells.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

Fisk borrowed Bullit’s shower curtain that day.

Bullit makes a face of arrogant victory until Urich points out the picture behind him of Fisk fishing with he and his law partner. “That was a hell of a fishing trip,” Bullit comments suspiciously. Urich asks if Wilson Fisk is also someone who needs extra public scrutiny. “How do you mean?” Bullit asks. He means, uh, the man killed a guy on video and he’s walking around taking giant dumps on the sidewalk as a free man. Bullit’s law partner, Walter Dini, is his personal “lawyer”. Care to comment?

Well sir, Bullit doesn’t like this line of questioning one bit! “I thought we had an understanding.” Bullit grits his teeth. Urich doesn’t back down. Here’s here for FACTS. This is JOURNALISM at its most pure, and he’ll get decapitated by the Taliban if he has to in order to get the scoops he needs! Darn tootin’.

“I just wanted to know how your affiliation with mob lawyers would affect your–”

“Mob lawyers? There’s no such thing as mob lawyers.”

“There’s no such thing as–?”

“There are lawyers that work for the mob, which is an entirely different–”

“So you’re saying that that there is a mob and that your law partner works for them?”

“No, you’re putting words in my–!!”

“You just said – I can play it back–”

“I was trying to argue the term — the term you used.”

“Did you or did you not just say–”

“See, there’s these–”

“–that your partner worked for the mob.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #48

I’M THE GOOD COP AND YOUR THE BAD COP! SAY IT!!

Bullit grabs Urich’s recorder and breaks it against the desk. “You lookin’ for trouble? You lookin’ to get hurt?” Bullit points his ugly finger at Urich’s face. “We had an understanding.”

Well, J. Jonah Jameson is floored to hear this news. And Urich is floored to tell his boss that he had a sneaky secret unsmashed tape recorder in his pocket. Jameson is a little miffed; Urich was supposed to just do a simple interview. Not a motherfucking interrogation! Grrr!! “We’re endorsing this man.”

Urich was fine with that, but he asked a simple question and the guy started falling apart immediately. He just fed him a little more rope, is all. And then he threatened him. “Jonah, this whole thing stinks. This is so beneath you.”

Jameson tells Urich to watch his mouth. Urich doesn’t back down. He never backs down. He’s like Tom Petty, except Tom Petty backed down by dying.

“Jonah, seriously,” Robertson pipes in, “all this just to hang a guy in a costume? I just – I really don’t understand. What is your problem with Spider-Man?”

Jameson gives one of those famous J. K. Simmons stink-eyes.

Then the phone rings.

And it’s May Parker.

And, well, we know how that turns out.

Final Thoughts

That bitch boss, yo. Jameson is going to beg Parker to return to his old post lest he feels the unbridled wrath of Aunt May. She’ll flay him alive.


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Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7!

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [June, 1973]

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

”Ghosts”

According to the SUSPENSEFUL cover art, the Andrews family is moving! And Archie will never see his vapid friends at Riverdale High again? And he’s going to have to say goodbye to all of them? LOL!

But apparently we’re not getting that, because this story is called “GHOSTS” which couldn’t further from the idea of mov… WAIT A MINUTE! ARE THERE GHOSTS IN ARCHIE’S HOUSE? IT’S STARTING TO ALL MAKE SENSE!

A bucktoothed Archie is thumbing through one of his yearbooks. The narration gets excited! “Hey! Anyone remember the ‘Patch Hop’? Talk about action! Wonder why they don’t revive that one?” Here’s what the patch hop is: any girl who can jump on you and break your back irrevocably long enough to sew a patch on the back of your shirt while you’re kicking a screaming bloody murder is forced to go on a date with her to the dance. Archie wants the right girl to jump his bones and not Ugly Hortense, the Mule of Town. Or Ophelia Gluetenschnable, who actually looks like she smells like fart vaginas. She jumps Reggie, who is able to get out of harm’s way just in time.

Archie rolls by in his decrepit jalopy that’s all chugging and popping and Reggie hops in quickly. The car is going so slow that Ophelia is still kinda able to catch up, and even though it’s plugging along at 1.25 miles per hour they lose Opehlia in the dust. Fuck her! Right fellas? Ugly girls are no use to anybody!

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Things are about to get sexy here at Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe!

Pop’s is the place to be! Reggie notices that Archie has been patched. Yep, by Veronica! “That Ronnie makes my socks roll up and down!” Archie says bewilderingly. Suddenly, Veronica and Betty burst into the diner. “Forget the fun and games, guys! We’ve got troubles!”

Oh yeah? Did Electric Light Orchestra release another album? Heh heh. Nope, Mr. Weatherbee is quitting his job as principal. Their general is deserting his troops to go sew wallets in Vietnam. We see him try to empty his desk while his secretary, Miss Grundy, doesn’t want anything to do with it. She calls his plan “dumb” and, what’s more, she kicks him right in the balls! And then Mr. Weatherbee pukes up his balls and then he commits seppuku.

After all that, Weatherbee exits the school while passing by a throng of unhappy-looking students. “Speechless with joy, probably,” Weatherbee grumbles in his mind. When he actually leaves through the front doors he is met with a rallying cry of “DON’T GO! STAY! RICKI TICKI TACKI TEE! WHAT’LL THE NEW MAN NEVER BE? HE’LL NEVER BE A WEATHERBEE!”

“WE WANT OUR LEADER!”

Well, sir, this effusive display of saccharine affection did the job! Weatherbee does an about face, marches right up to his desk, and tells off his brand new boss! “Get yourself another boy!” he says, feet up on the desk. The student body is thrilled for some reason.

All the while this is just Archie dreaming. Dreaming about getting patched by the hottest girl in school and then rallying to get his stinky principal to stay.

This had nothing at all to do with ghosts! I was hoping for some bustin’.

”The Hard Ones”

Archie and pals are laughing at a notice on the school bulletin board. Student volunteers to work on a Sunday?!?! HA HA HA HAAAA HAA HEHE HHEHEH HHHEEEE HEHEH HO HAHAHA HOO HEE HOO HOO HOO HA HA HAAA HAAAAAA!!! HEE EHAHEHAH HEHOAHEOAHEHOA!!! EHAOHEOJAIWIHI!!!

Weatherbee told Miss Grundy this was a bad idea! Who the FUCK is going to want to come into school on a Sunday to chisel gum off of Mr. Weatherbee’s nutsack?

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Maybe you should sweeten the deal with free little fun packets of nose candy, Principal.

“If the whole thing wasn’t so ridiculous, I’d get mad!” cries Archie, getting mad anyway.

“Yeah!” agrees Jughead. You get ‘em, Jughead.

Betty and Veronica come into the hallway to wag their fingers at the boys. Maintaining the school is noble work, and they’re dropping their underoos and taking giant craps all over everything!

Well, it would be noble if the school board didn’t slash the budget recently. They can’t even afford janitors anymore! Or pencils or books or teachers or dirty looks. “Plaster cracking – paint peeling!” Weatherbee moans while pulling bits of plaster off the walls.

“We could always just let it run down, until the taxpayers were shamed into approving a larger budget!” Miss Grundy suggests. At this point we see Archhead, Reghead, and Juggs overhearing the conversation with shameful looks. But then they’re like “bah!” and “pah!” about it. Stupid building! It’s for the birds!

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

I like the way Snrub thinks!

Come Sunday, Weatherbee and Grundy are working on the building along with fresh-faced volunteers Betty and Veronica… and three altruistic strangers off the street.

“Er — No sign of Archie, Jughead, or Reggie, eh?” Mr. Weatherbee asks, simultaneously expecting the three boys to be there despite their very public denouncement of the very idea AND unable to notice a fake black mustache on a redhead when he sees one.

Miss Grundy calls the three boys unsentimental slobs.

Then I think Weatherbee catches on, because he starts crying and blowing his nose into his handkerchief, and we all are supposed to find this funny because it’s 1973 and the criteria for humor was “whatever Boomers thought was funny when they were 13 years old.”

The end.

”The Last Farewell”

Ah, now here’s the story promised on the cover! Archie’s gettin’ the boot out of Riverdale and no one’s going to be able to help him! Let’s observe…

“Riverdale High means a lot to your boy!” says Mr. Weatherbee.

“He’ll get over it!” says Archie’s dad.

Then it’s settled! Archie’s gonna get over it. Bye bye, Riverdale! Hello East Harlem, New York City, baby!

“This new contract I got means a better job and a lot more money!” says Mr. Andrews. “I’ll be able to support my family better!”

Weatherbee thinks this is a bad idea, and he should know! He tried to quit himself two stories ago! “I’m going to miss that boy of yours something fierce!” says Weatherbee, betraying a smidgen of his pedophilic urges.

Kids keep walking by in the halls dressed like early ‘70s clowns. It’s a really blast from the past! This one kid has polkadots and stripes! It’s a sight to behold!

Miss Grundy yells to Mr. Andrews as he leaves that Archie won’t take this lightly. He’s going to cry and pout and throw pans at your head and kick and scream and fly airplanes into government buildings, but Mr. Andrews ain’t worried one iota. Why?… … … …oh yes, Archie’s “obedient”. Well, that makes me feel better.

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

But, son! B-b-b-b-b-but the obedience!

“Archie! This isn’t like you!” Mr. Andrews looks out of his element. “You’ve never contradicted me before!”

“Sorry, Pop! Anything, Pop! Ask me anything! For you and Mom there’s nothing I wouldn’t do! But please – not this!! Not leave Riverdale High!!”

Oh, calm down. I’m sure you’ll become fast friends with kids in the neighboring town like Itchy Randall, Mabel the Stable, and Poop Ron.

Archie is making quite a loud scene, and Mr. Andrews is starting to get a bit angry. “To bed, Archie! The subject is closed!”

So, obedient Archie retires to bed at 4:45pm. And, in the middle of the night, Mother Andrews has discovered that their little boy has disappeared! Run away! Flew the coop! Probably dead in a ditch, we hope! “What’s this world coming to? When even the good ones, like Archie, turn on their parents and run away!!!” Mr. Andrews growls as he puts on his best drivin’ hat and scours the neighborhood looking for his lost son as if he were a runaway dog or a grandfather with Alzheimer’s.

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Or even some sort of nasty little valedictorian!

Mr. Andrews discovers a light on in the school and prays to his Horse God that Archie didn’t break into the building at 3am. And yes, he finds his little wuss of a son crying at his desk in his homeroom. “Gulp!” says Mr. Andrews. Well, let me tell you something friends. Mr. Andrews’ heart grew three sizes that day. And after he returned from the hospital for this abnormal cardiomegaly, he tears up his contract for his new employment and sends the shredded up paper to Mr. Weatherbee.

And, of course, thinking it’s anthrax, Mr. Weatherbee leaps out of the second story window and lands on his fat head, killing him instantly.

And Archie stays at Riverdale. What a completely underwhelming story that barely involved anything about a farewell whatsoever. At least Weatherbee was killed!

”The Rewards”

“Oh, man! Am I in trouble!” Archie is sprinting down the school hallway, nearly stampeding right over a girl in an ugly black and yellow plaid dress. “When you’re meeting Veronica and you’re late – What are you in? — Altogether now! — TROUBLE!”

He runs by Weatherbee’s office where he discovers Miss Grundy sniffing as if she’s been [snorting cocaine] crying. Archie stops in his tracks and checks the old woman out as she pulls a handkerchief out of her purse. “The old girl’s pretty broken up! I can’t just ignore it!” he thinks, ignoring the TROUBLE! that he’s assuredly going to be in if he misses his zit-popping appointment with Veronica.

Archie quietly tries to get Miss Grundy’s attention.

“EEP!” she bellows. Then she quickly shuffles around her purse as awkwardly as a boy like Archie would scramble closing a laptop playing Hella Porno.

Archie points out to the woman that, yes, he noticed her crying. What the crap is wrong with you, lady?

Archie at Riverdale High (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Your misery is my fucking business now, honey.

Archie rudely forces Miss Grundy to relay her personal private business to him, some 17-year-old little pukeface. She insists that she’s actually happy, not sad. “Sometimes people cry with joy!” she says unconvincingly. “Happiness as well as tragedy can bring tears!”

Well, she seems to be able to back up her story. She was sent a letter from a former student who sent her a picture of a baby.

This is all very cunting sentimental. Archie agrees that it’s a nice thing to receive letters from former students. Maybe Archie will send Miss Grundy a letter someday that will say “EAT SHIT, YOU OLD HAG!” and then signed on the bottom with a drawing of Archie wearing sunglasses.

So Archie gives the old woman a kiss on the cheek and tells her that being a student can be rewarding too if they have great teachers! HA HA HAHA! Archie comics sure are funny!

Archie runs back out to the hallway where Veronica looks pretty dang upset at issues related to punctuality. Archie is 15 minutes late and these zits won’t pop themselves!

Archie tells her that another woman was holding him up. An older woman. Veronica freaks out to the point of a goddamn heart attack while Archie and Miss Grundy wink at each other.

Veronica dies in the hospital. The end.

Final Thoughts

Didn’t we have fun, kids? Archie didn’t have to move away! Too bad, I was really rooting for Mr. Andrews to drag his delinquent son to North Korea as he works in his job as tour guide for the Dear Leader Museum. Maybe in a future issue! You never really know what you’ll stumble upon in Archie’s world!


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The Light Fantastic by Terry Pratchett

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 2 of the Discworld series

The Color of Magic

Another evening at the Book Bonfire awaits! Today’s topic of discussion is Installment #2 of Terry Pratchett’s lovely Discworld series, The Light Fantastic, a book that’s marginally better than the first one The Color of Magic. Actually, it’s much better. This one was easier to get into.

While The Color of Magic seems to take a bunch of boring fantasy tropes and cobble them together into something that resembles a cohesive story in the right light, The Light Fantastic actually IS a cohesive story with a clear beginning that gets resolved at the end with plenty of events in the middle that actually contributes to the plot. Refreshing! It bodes well for the rest of the series of books, of which I only read nine and paid attention to exactly two!

This was probably my fourth time reading The Light Fantastic and, for the first time, I was able to get through the whole thing without letting my mind wander. That right there is a checkmark in the right box! However, it was tough to get through. Pratchett packs the whole thing so full of jokes and humorous side conversations that it becomes easy to lose the threads of the plot continuity. There is one part where Rincewind spends about 30 pages inside of Octavo (the magic book which contains Seven of the Eight Great Spells, the last one being stuck in Rincewind’s head) as a diversion before he wakes up back where the story left off. That kind of thing was scarce, though, as well as other minor tangents, which was a relief. It was the weakest component of the first book. I almost called it a “novel”, but I think that would be giving something like this too much credit!

“Thish ish the worsht shack of shit I’ve ever had the dishpleashure of shticking my shword into.”
– Cohen the Barbarian

There isn’t a substantial amount of character development with Rincewind and Twoflower, and that to me shows that these two were either firmly established in Pratchett’s head already before Book 1, or they are just thin characters. The Light Fantastic solidifies these two as pretty one-note, with Rincewind continuing to be a wretched sad sack and Twoflower continuing to be a naïve optimist. However, both are excellent foils for one another, and it’s fun to see how much patience they both have with each other. Twoflower is all like “HEY THAT ROCK OVER THERE IS SPLENDID” and Rincewind is all like “That’s a bird’s nest.” I’m no Terry Pratchett, but that’s an excellent impression. Save that one in your back pocket.

The best character by far is the Luggage; sapient pearwood that runs along on hundreds of little legs toward its master wherever he may be. It opens up its lid and sometimes it’s gold and jewels. Sometimes it’s fresh laundry with a lavender sent. Sometimes it’ll just eat people who gets in its way. The Luggage is a badass and it’s the best pet you’ll ever have in your life.

I don’t know much yet about how Rincewind/Twoflower or the wizards of Unseen University will be fleshed out in the coming Rincewind books, but I’m looking forward to seeing more of the wizards and their scholarly shenanigans. I’d like to stick around Ankh-Morpork though. All this bandying about the Disc gets tiresome when it’s aimless.

Good book! Onto some very uninspired questions!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“I tried to chop up the Luggage with my axe, but he ate it. And also my pride.”
– Rincewind

In such a magical world why are so many surprised at the powers of the Luggage?
For one thing, nobody seems to know anything about anything on the Discworld. Even the wizards at various levels seem pretty clueless about the magical goings-on when push comes to shove. It’s a mystery where Twoflower got the Luggage in the first place, almost like it was some black market shit where naïve little Twoflower didn’t know what he was getting into.

Perhaps the Luggage is so unique and unbelievable that no one can believe it, if you can believe it! Always eating people. Always taunting people with treasure. Always producing lavender-scented, fresh laundry when examined more closely. Always endlessly running along on its creepy hundred legs. Nothing else on the Disc is quite like it. Perhaps the magic of the World of Disc operates on a controlled set of predictable rules that the magic of the Luggage subverts completely? Perhaps the Luggage is from DiscMars. We’ll never know, will we? Stupid question!

Describe some of the fantasy clichés and parodies in The Light Fantastic and how they compare with tropes.
The wizard school is full of wizards! That’s obvious, and they parody wizards by being not very wizardly. They act like a bunch of tenured snobs who don’t know their asses from a magical hole in the ground. Then there’s Rincewind, that sad sack piece of shit. He doesn’t know anything except that one Great Spell that’s lodged firmly within that soft, little noggin of his. A failed wizard, but I think he still wears is wizard clothes. Maybe his mom does all his wizard laundry.

“Smile for the camera and say ‘The physics of the Disc doesn’t make much sense but we’re going along with it anyway because of all the hilarious Conan the Barbarian jokes.'”
– Twoflower

Death isn’t specific to this book, as I believe he appears in every Discworld novel, but he’s always a fun, jolly fellow to keep tabs on. In The Light Fantastic he makes two appearances. One, he gets summoned by wizards when he’s in the middle of a party and only appears to be ever-so-slightly inconvenienced by it. Two, he plays bridge in his own home with the other Horsemen and Twoflower and he’s not getting the hang of it very well. Death is the most endearing character on the Disc and Mort was easily the best Discworld book out of the first nine.

Cohen the Barbarian is the brutally obvious one. Based on Conan the Barbarian and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s oily pectoral muscles, Cohen the Barbarian’s characters subverts this by being old as shit, wiry and skinny, and without any teeth whatsoever. That’s about the extent of the parody, although he continues to be an intimidating badass among his people. Which is funny! This book is funny.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The Light Fantastic was leagues better than The Color of Magic if only because there was a solid narrative all the way through! I like it when my books have solid narratives all the way through! Beginnings, middles, endings, all those beats.

Other Writeups for This Series
The Color of Magic

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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47 – “Men of Influence”

* Part 2 of 8 of the Cats & Kings storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47 – “Tampered”! In the previous installment, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Sharon Carter gets interrogated about the fight between Spider-Man and Doc Ock in New Jersey. In short, S.H.I.E.L.D. wasn’t able to handle it very well. At all. From the get-go.

What does this mean for S.H.I.E.L.D. and Spider-Man? Will Nick Fury have to show his Mace Windu-ass face again? Will Maria Hill show up lookin’ hella sexy? I hope for both!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47 [December, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Men of Influence”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47

Spider-Teenage-Boy flips around town looking for something to do. There’s no crime going on, no planes flying into errant buildings, no nothing. “This is New York City. Where are all the crazy people? Where are all the angry, sweaty, frustrated…”

BAM

Hotcha! A gun happened somewhere! Do you remember Wilson Fisk’s men – Montana, Ox, and Fancy Dan? I barely do! Jesus Christ, I read that story like two years ago. They’re in the middle of an illegal card game, or at least they’re trying to break one up. “That better not be Mr. Fisk’s money you’re gambling with there, Julio,” Fancy Schmancy Dan says, smoke coming out of his gun.

Julio sweats and poops his sweaty pants. Getting muscled like this ain’t fair! The Kingpin is out of the country, gawddamnit! “I ain’t payin’,” Julio says finally. Well, that’s a dumb thing to say! Dan puts his gun right up to Julio’s fat face, and then THWAP!

“Gun, gun, guns! Always with the guns! You know what they say? They say that a gun is just substitute for…”

Everyone pulls out their guns on Spider-Man. Their limp little gun dicks.

Montana, Ox, and Dan look fucking worried. All like “oh man, not him please”. Spidey does a little dance to avoid all the gunfire. Montana loops his whip around Spidey’s neck and Ox flings him across the room.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47

Welp, Spider-Man’s dead. Comic series over.

“You hired protection?!! From us?!” Dan says, pistol-whipping Julio and then training another gun on him. Julio sweats in his poopy pants; claims he doesn’t even know the guy. Spidey hoists himself out of the pile of splinters that used to be a pile of box-shaped splinters. Ox, still salty about their previous encounter, charges Spidey. Spidey WHUMPS him in the stomach. Ox go “HHRRR!!” Then Spidey webs Ox’s eyeballs.

Julio’s men open fire again. Montana whips again and accidentally catches his Fancy Ol’ Dan.

Then Spider-Man drops a giant-ass web all over every single one of them, and the cops come. The end. Let’s cook some pizza rolls.

Later, the robed Fat Fisk is not pleased. Montana’s hat is in his hand. Fancy Dan tries to smooth talk their way out of trouble. “I don’t know what to tell you, boss. This guy’s all dressed up in his feet pajamas and he’s… bouncing around…” lol, exactly. I’ve been saying that for 47 issues.

If frowns could kill, Fisk’s frown would level NYC. Fisk’s lawyer asks if Julio hired the kid, and Dan assures him that everyone was surprised to see him. “Julio don’t know nothing.”

Well, get the tail out from between your legs hoss, because Julio’s not pressing charges and everything is swept under the rug. Now get that tail back between your legs hoss, because Fisk is mad and he’s apt to start crushin’ skulls.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47

My decaf espresso mocha latte!

“SHOOTING OFF GUNS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!” Fisk screams, turning eighteen shades of purple, punching and breaking a nightstand. The lawyer translates this for the men: one last chance, motherfuckers. One last chance.

Fisk orders his inept men to leave so that he can discuss matters with his pinchy-face lawyer.

“The money this kid has cost me. That’s why he is, you know–”

“I know.”

“He’s just a kid. Cost me millions of dollars. Millions of dollars.”

“I know.”

“A child.”

Fisk laments the idiots like Spider-Man that have somehow entered his life. Fisk had to spend three million just to get everything wiped clean so he could get back in the country! That’s a lot of cocaine, bro! Gone! Oh, what Fisk wouldn’t give to wipe him out! Him and all of his political enemies. Boom pow! Right in the kisser to the lot of them.

Fisk’s lawyer reminds him that three million to beat a murder charge is pretty fucking cool and good. Don’t knock it, son. And what’s your description of Spider-Man again? Teenage white boy? Good luck finding one of those in New York City, moron.

“Well, he’s the only one who can stick to a wall,” Fisk says, looking out his highrise window. “Someone knows who he is. This child owes me millions of dollars and months of my life.”

Mr. Lawyer has an idea that may not get them their money back, but it does concern one of their political interests. Fisk is intrigued (you can tell be he makes a face that looks like he’s trying to pass a giant cantaloupe through his tiny butthole).

At the Daily Bugle, the head staff are watching a Sam Bullit ad. Bullit promises to get masked vigilantes off the streets! J. Jonah Juicebox Jameson loves it! His paper will endorse Bullit and all of Bullit’s ideas (especially the one about getting masked vigilantes off the streets). Parker pops his head into the room and overhears all the usual stuff about how everyone hates and wants to catch Spider-Man and wring his little pencil neck. “Parker, what are you doing here? Out. This ain’t summer camp,” Jameson growls. Parker leaves forlorn and I’m laughing out loud!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47

Even Presdient Vahagn Khachaturyan of Armenia? Unlikely. But his predecessor Armen Sarkissian had some nasty things to say.

After work, Parker sulks on the floor of his bedroom. MJ trapises in lookin’ all cute and asks why her boyfriend is sulking. Parker says he’s sulking because he’s sulking. MJ presents a piece of paper: a list of everyone who knows he’s Spider-Man. She is doing this because now a lot of people know he’s Spider-Man and it’s going to come back to bite him on his fleshy buttocks.

MJ, of course, takes this moment to tell him to be more careful. Of course he won’t, so whatever! Peter asks what he’s supposed to do with the people on the list? Whack ‘em? MJ is all like “come on, Petey”. Peter is like “because I’ll do it if it’ll make you happy.” None of this happened.

Peter whines about what’s bugging him today. Some guy is running an ad campaign all about what a jerk Spider-Man is and how he’ll get rid of him. MJ doesn’t seem concerned! Politicians are nobody! Just look at Jim Jordan! Just look at him! LOL!

Let’s check out the list! Norman Osborn and Doc Ock (jail). Harry Osborn (somewhere). Nick Fury, the Ultimates, Captain America, the X-Men (superheroes).

“It’s too many people.”

“I know!!”

“Why are you mad at me?”

“Why do you keep repeating this point of yours?!!”

“Okay, I’m going home.”

MJ leaves, but then pokes her head back into the room. “A politician, huh? I don’t know who this dude is or anything… but… you know… someone’s always paying their bills.”

Peter Parker, ever the astute smartypants, asks who would be doing that? MJ is like “oh look hey check it out guy, I have a list right here!”

MJ leaves for realz this time. Peter goes back to his regularly scheduled sulking.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47

Not Edgar Allan Poe! He been dead.

So, the above is part of an ad on a bus. “TAKE BACK OUR CITY” it says. While Spidey is atop the bus, a crowd has gathered around said bus. The bus must not be moving, because that would be pretty weird right now. A woman throws a bottle at him, which he catches effortlessly. “Nice, lady. Real nice. I want you to note the following, okay? I didn’t try to hurt you. I’m not the one who threw something at you. And I didn’t call you any names even though you wore that hat out in public.”

It was a pretty bad hat.

The next day’s Daily Bugle headline will show that the Kingpin has been cleared of all charges! Parker sees this on his computer screen and he’s all “I–guh—but—fluh—uh—guh–” and goes over how he murdered someone on videotape and it ran on CNN 500 times a day for like 18 years. He looks like he’s going to be sick. He shambles over to Ben Urich, who looks positively CRESTFALLEN. He overhears Jameson and Robbie Robertman Robertston Robertson, who are arguing with each other about Jameson jumping into bed with any politician who will suck his Spider-Man-engorged boner for some endorsement. Spider-Man this and Spider-Man that! You know why, Robbie? BECAUSE SALES GO UP WHEN SPIDER-MAN IS BLHABAAHABAAHBAABLAB!!

Parker takes this moment to chime in with some facts: Spider-Man seems to save people. The Kingpin seems to murder people. Shouldn’t we be looking into the murder guy? And, maybe, leaving alone the saving people guy?

“Who are you?!!” Jameson jabs a bony finger into Parker’s chest. What are you doing here? Why do I hear your voice? OUT! I WANT YOU OUT!”

“What?”

“This isn’t a place for kids. You’re fired. Out.”

Everyone looks at Parker with sheepish expressions.

Peter Parker walks out.

Final Thoughts

The theme of Spider-Man in general is “Peter Parker gets shit on constantly” and I, as the kids say, am here for it!

Looks like Parker’s going to have to break out that camera again to get back into J. Jonah’s good graces. I’m thinking complete nudity except for the mask. Various provocative poses. Parker will make $125,000 dollars a year.


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