My name is Captain Hulk Von Snootin. In the previous mission I explored a shithole that I deemed KM-402. It was full of cold mountains, strange glowing rocks, and thieving whores. Needless to say, I booked it pretty damn quick. Now after traveling through the Eevee Sector of the Milky Way galaxy for about six hours, I came across another planet that looks quite habitable.

So begins my exploration.

Day 1
I crash-land like a dingus in a rocky canyon, which would have been fine except that I nearly break my neck and I spilled all my precious, precious water. Luckily, there is a river at the very bottom of the canyon. I just have to climb down a steep, craggy cliff to get to it.

I fall about 40 feet from the bottom and nearly break my neck again, which would have funny if it didn’t cause brain-bursting pain. Oh well! While filling my many canteens with that sweet, clean water, I notice a burnt-out husk of another spaceship crammed into the side of a rock face about 30 feet up, still smoldering like a delicious pepperoni pizza. I’m terrified to investigate because I don’t to be disturbed by possible charred skeletons! So I curl up in a fetal position by the river and suck my thumb.

Day 2
Today I decide to approach the spaceship after a heavy rain, which may or may not have been filtered through the dank, orange air and turned into battery acid. The rain assuredly doused the spaceship, rendering it safe to inspect without the possibility of a gas tank exploding.

Upon closer inspection, the ship appears to be stuck in a rock face right under a verdant field etched into the canyon. What a peculiar terrain! Fuck the spaceship, I want to run around that field! The only way to it is to climb my way up the ship and through the cockpit stiuck up into the grass. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m willing to risk my life knowing that the ship could fall 30 feet to the rocky ground below and I could, like, break my neck for real this time.

So I decide against it. I figure that the field is riddled with alien snakes and I’m not interested in trying to suck poison out of my own arm just to not die on this stupid planet with its stupid alien snakes.

Day 3
After a hearty breakfast of canned beans and astronaut ice cream, I decide to brave the canyon and wander from camp for half a day to see what I can discover. The trek is arduous and inconvient, as the ground is pockmarked with the spikiest rocks I’ve ever stepped on. It’s a good thing that I’m wearing my spiky rock-resistant moon boots. Otherwise I’d be dying of tetanus as we speak!

If I thought the green grass 50 feet up the canyon was bizarre, I wasn’t prepared to see what was up ahead down the river. I approached the top of a waterfall overlooking a giant cold tundra; glaciers as far as the eye can see! It’s damn near 80°F up in this canyon, so unless the ice here doesn’t melt above 32°F for reasons related to air pressure and/or sorcery, the temperature drops nearly 90°F on the way down! That’s stupid nuts! Should I turn back around to my camp, or should I do a swan dive down the waterfall? Hmmm. I have another can of beans back at my tent. I’d better head back for now.

Day 4
I didn’t make it back before the next morning. I poked a lot of holes in my soles trying to get back to camp, so I took a rest near a small cave by the river and turned on my Game Boy for a brief game of Wario Land 3. After a spell, I decided to get bold and adventurous and enter the cave.

Well shit, that was a mistake. I discovered tables of abandoned goblets and bowls of fruits and cheese, crates and boxes full of swords, daggers, and coins, and elaborate traps and snares designed to maim or kill intruders. I’ve stumbled across a bandits’ den! I wasn’t going to stick around to see what kind of burly aliens with well-oiled muscles were going to show up, so I high-tail it out of there as fast as my little legs would run and book it to my ship. That’s enough adventure for one week.

I wish I could have rooted around that burnt-out ship for supplies or gum, but it wasn’t worth getting decapitated by thieves. After four action-packed days, I leave Planet J-87-G.