One week until Christmas, which means one week until I watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story and get completely trashed on spiked eggnog. And I don’t even drink! That’s how special the occasion is!

Speaking of getting drunk, I would try it before reading the following three comic strips. It’ll “enhance” the experience.

Carpe Diem

Um, excuse YOU Carpe Diem, but you already made a selfie joke last week. We’re still bitter about the kids again, it seems. If you’re going to keep rehashing old material, at least make sure it’s actually interesting, thought-provoking, intelligent, emotionally resonant, innovative, crispy, chunky, peanut-buttery, and culturally transcendent! Let me take a whack at it.

Easter Island Head #1: “Hey there, Frank, I got a new phone.”
Easter Island Head #2: “That looks pretty sharp, Bill.”
Easter Island Head #1: “I’m going to be the talk of the town down at the Easter Island Elk’s Club.”
Easter Island Head #2: “Don’t be silly, Bill. The Elk’s Club was disbanded after Jerry got murdered.”
Easter Island Head #1: takes selfie with duck lips

Family Circus

You know how I feel about stupid puns, Bil Keane via Jeff Keane. You’ve angered me yet again. I don’t even have the stomach to comment upon this, so I’ll let the general public fill in on this one.

top cat .james: “…And I wanna try a few slices of that Bethel Ham!”
Do Tell: “Daddy, speaking of stars, what’s a choc’lit starfish?”
Jason: “If Mary had Jesus and Jesus was the Lamb of God the Father and Creator, did Mary have a little Lamb?”

On second thought, how about I just kill myself.

Mary Worth

The story of the sexy doppelganger continues! We last left off with Iris positively catatonic with surprise after she meets Zak’s old babysitter, Nan, who looks like her. Zak and Nan were all but sticking their dicks into each other in front of Iris, which left her a little bit shaken and, dare I say, stirred. Now she finally confronts Zak, who can’t even empathize with the situation long enough to drop his shit-eating smile.

I do, however, see both sides to this issue! Iris is, of course, jealous that Zak spent the better part of the evening fawning over his hot babysitter (which she reciprocated in an honestly creepy fashion). Zak is, of course, being a clueless idiot.

Ok, so I see only see one side to the issue. Nevertheless, this is one of the greatest cliffhangers of modern story telling. I cannot wait to hear what Mary Worth has to say about this! I hope it’s something to the effect of “drop that zero and get yourself a hero *snap snap*”.