Happy New Year, all you gorgeous men and women. Hopefully you’ve all stuck to your New Year’s resolutions so far of losing 700 pounds and/or writing that Great American Novel, even it’s only been less than 24 hours. Hell, maybe you’re writing that Great Tajikistani Novel! That would be fantastic.

Let’s kick off the year proper with a round of mediocre newspaper comics, proving that, although it’s now 2023, some things never change.

Pardon My Planet

I don’t know what kind of extreme sex games are being implied by today’s Pardon My Planet, but Vic Lee made damn sure that absolutely no sign of interest was drawn on the poor blue-haired woman’s face.

This particular strip isn’t actually that awful, and repeated viewings reveal many nuances that one wouldn’t notice the first time around. For instance, did you notice the tie over the straitjacket! That’s very funny! Thank you, Pardon My Planet! We started 2023 right after all.

Mary Worth

I’ve been following this oh-so-enthralling storyline for a few weeks now, and we’ve reached the conclusion!

As you may recall, Zak, much like Tom Brady, is getting inappropriately close with a human being in a way that society would frown upon. In Zak’s case, it’s an old babysitter who looks just like Iris. Mary Worth has given Iris some sound advice. Namely, “get over it!”

The aftermath sure is heartwarming. Mary Worth bores us with a whole lot of nothing for five panels and then bores us all over again with panels six and seven! I, too, wish Zak and Iris all the best until they both decide that they married someone completely devoid of anything resembling a personality. Happy New Year, indeed.

Rex Morgan M.D.

Nothing rings in the new year quite like the most banal sequence of events that has ever happened in the funny pages. Rex Morgan M.D., not particularly known for being a hilarious laugh-a-second strip, tries its hand at bringing the funny! And, as one may have guessed, success was eluded!

Most Sunday comics have a throwaway gag in the top row that is semi-unrelated to the rest of the strip just in case a newspaper trims it. I always like to envision the opposite: a newspaper that trims everything BUT the top row! If that were the case here, Rex Morgan M.D. would be the most popular strip in Guthrie, Oklahoma. And it wouldn’t exist anywhere else.