Oh man, more shitty comic strips? It’s like Christmas has come early, except I’m not drinking any eggnog and I saw the Grinch at the store the other day buying cottage cheese instead of stealing from me. So it’s not like Christmas has come early. But at least we have comic strips to warm our hearts.

Hagar the Horrible

When you open Hagar the Horrible in the browser of your choice on the comic strip website, which will remain nameless because they bombard you with constant ads to pay for their unfulfilling premium service, the browser tab says “Hagar the Horrible Comic Strip”. And that’s the funniest thing about Hagar the Horrible today!

It appears that Princess Headband somehow didn’t notice that castle tours were set up right outside, which means that she’s either a shut-in who would disintegrate into a puff of dust if she so much as looked outside her window once in a while, or Hagar the Horrible raped her into a coma during his pillaging. Just kidding. Rape isn’t funny. And neither is Hagar the Horrible.

Mallard Fillmore

Mallard Fillmore once again hits hard with the biting, timeless social commentary. I suppose the giant feral cat (?) in the cage represents all the horrible immigrants we have running around our country doing mean things like working hard in labor jobs or being better upstanding members of our community than your average middle-class white person.

Deep down, what bothers me the most about Mallard Fillmore is that it’s a reminder that the Sunday comics are targeted mostly toward Republicans, and that they’re out there in droves ready to bang out opinions on the Mallard Fillmore page. I don’t even want to deal with today. The world is too depressing.

Zippy the Pinhead

Speaking of biting, timeless social commentary, what the fuck is this shit? Zippy the Pinhead is here to remind conservatives that certain thin-skinned presidents should ignore the criticism and uphold the integrity of the constitution? Not only is that preposterous, but why use an anthropomorphic toad (named “Mr. The Toad”) to get the point across? And what the fuck is he doing? Is he breaking and entering, using his intimidating presence to bully the terrified residents that, and I quote, “Th’ Founding Fathers were all in for Th’ Toad!” Does this mean that if I try to take away rights from trans folks, some giant frog thing will yell at me? I don’t want to live in this world! I’d better respect the constituion!

Stupid.