I mustered up enough strength and will to check out the comments section of Mallard Fillmore today. The joke of the strip itself was that Mallard Fillmore was being prompted to leave a tip during self-checkout at the grocery store. The comments ranged from “Biden is growing mind-control mushrooms and putting them in our pizzas” to “Why do I need to tip?? I did it myself!” A real sharp bunch. I’m glad they’re all sequestered to the void that is the comments section of the green duck comic.

Here are three strips that aren’t Mallard Fillmore.

Family Circus

Since all the 800-year-old comic strips tend to recycle jokes ad nauseam, I wonder if there’s an earlier version of this premise without a cellphone. What were Daddy’s options? Pull back out of the driveway and call from a payphone half a block away? Take it like a man and get hit with the seven snowballs the kids have prepared? Drive the fuck away from home and never, ever return?

I’ll take options two and three, consecutively. Might as well prove you can take your lumps before fucking off to move into your mistress’ house.

Crankshaft

Now that schools can quickly switch to virtual learning in an emergency, the teachers can all spend their time building snowmen and holding snowman funerals in lieu of actually teaching their students about fractions and institutionalized racism. No wonder Crankshaft is cranky!

Pluggers

I’ve got other punchlines for this one.

“The average Plugger is fat as shit.”
“Pluggers don’t condone this kind of interracial marriage.”
“If you can’t find the thing you left in the place, you just might be a Plugger.”
“Wubba lubba dub dub! Nanu nanu!”
“Sock it to me!”
“They’ll never find your body.”