Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “In Secret, They Rule”! In the previous installment, we see some brief backstory that shows T’Challa (roughly translated to “the bread”, lol) didn’t want to be part of the secret society of superheroes who secretly wanted to secretly run the world. We also see three young members of the Wakanda tribe who got thoroughly murdered, literally, by Manifold, some other lady, and their army, who descended from a strange planet that was swirling and throbbing very close to Earth. Well, this Earth, at least.

It was all very unclear and confusing. Hopefully things start making sense or else I’m gonna have to go back to more Death Note. And trust me, NOBODY wants that!

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [March, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“In Secret, They Rule”

Ah yes, the “Previously on” pages. How nice. Write my recaps for me, Marvel. See if I care.

I get a roster page too! Now there’s somethin’. “The Illuminati – Holders of the Infinity Gems”. Ohhhhh boy. Here’s the list of people who deemed themselves the most important people in the fucking universe *jerkoff motion*: Black Bolt (Celestial Messiah), Namor (Power Gem), Reed Richards (Reality Gem), Iron Man (Space Gem), Captain America (Time Gem), Doctor Strange (Soul Gem), Black Panther (King of the Dead), Professor Xavier (deceased) (Mind Gem) (dead) (so where’s the Mind Gem?) (fucking dead guy).

This sounds like some serious Sonic the Hedgehog stuff. I hope the New Avengers can keep their gems away from the thieving, stinky hands of Dr. Robotnik.

Professor Xavier being dead is probably something SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME ALREADY, but since he’ll be alive again somewhere else in the future, I doubt it matters too much.

Three hours ago, at the Necropolis at Wakanda, the monochrome villain lady is chanting gibberish while imprisoned in a large glass cube. The sound of approaching footsteps causes her to break her concentration.

I’m actually David Boreanaz AS Angel, here to sulk and brood in your direction.

The approaching footsteps come from Reed Richards, aka Mr. Fantastic, aka the smartest man in the world even though he sucks at Jeopardy while we’re watching it on TV. He’ll be your interrogator for the evening, so sit back, relax, and try not to force him to jab wooden splinters under your fingernails.

“I do not fear pain,” this woman says, accidentally calling her own bluff by bringing attention to it apropos of nothing. Richards is like “that’s cool, that’s a whole mood” and tells her that he’s just interested in talking. No shit, this is what every interrogator wants. That’s the whole point, smart guy.

In return for a friendly, genial interrogation, Richards can “pretend that he can’t see and doesn’t know what she has inside her”, which pops up on his little Samsung Galaxy Tab S8. It looks like a flux capacitor with a xylophone attached. Deal? So, you jumped here from another world, accessed a device, then destroyed that world, hmm? So…what was that planet called? And don’t say “Pluto” because that’s not a planet! I’m on to you, missy.

“Earth,” she responds, “But surely a clever man like you knew that already.”

Fantastic Mr. Fox is like “Yep! As far I see on these records! But you might be lying! So are you?? ;-)”

She tells him that the “wheel demands its offering”. She had no attachments to Earth, she wasn’t from there, it’s just business. “The Great Destroyer always gets his due.” Richards is skeptical, but moves on. In addition to the whole world-destroying part, she also killed her companion. What was his name again? Manifold? Did you have a beef with Manifold? Was he also an “offering”? Did he “smell too much like old potato chips” and you didn’t want him around anymore?

Listen, dude, nothing is personal. None of this is personal. She needs to do what she needs to do, ok? Stop being such a MAN about it. “So why don’t you simply ask me what you want instead of trying to maneuver me into the conversation you want to have.” The jig is up, Fantastic Sam! Give the lady what she asked for. “Very well…”

“Why did the security cameras in this room capture you crying out for help and weeping in your sleep last night?” he interrogates (very interrogatingly, I might add). She didn’t like that question!

I need to focus on my mental health right now! Wah!

Reed Richards challenges this notion that he might not have any idea what’s coming. He probably does! He’s a smart guy! He got tested into gifted kindergarten programs even though he ate all the magic markers and hid from the teachers in the school’s boiler room for six hours a day while playing Pokemon Alpha Sapphire on the Nintendo 3DS! “Why don’t you tell me?” he says, smartly.

Flashback to an hour ago. That means we are now FOUR hours earlier than we were at the end of Issue #1, in case you’re keeping track on your trusty wristwatch. Black Panther approaches the Temple of Whatsits and speaks to the female guards standing outside a steel door. One of them briefs Black Panther on all the sorry shit that’s been happening: “The walls were broken. Blood was spilled. Thousands of Wakandans died, and our nation is now at war. If the people–if the Queen–finds out that we have allowed…that man here…” well, she doesn’t really do into details, but it sounds to me like Black Panther is gonna get roasted on a spit! And that sounds nasty, because nobody likes to eat panther. It’s like shoe leather.

Black Panther tells her to stop being afraid of him and focus her attention on being afraid of EVERYBODY! So that’s a good piece of advice right there. Black Panther enters the guarded chamber, which looks quite cozy with its large fireplace and the table of wine. It’s Namor, whom I DO NOT KNOW, but he looks like a weird vampire elf, and I don’t like that one bit.

Black Panther lays down the ground rules: 1) don’t talk to anyone but him, 2) don’t let anyone see you, 3) don’t go anywhere, 4) don’t do anything. Cool?

5) turn the hot tub OFF when you’re not using it, 6) keep the DVD shelf arranged in order of color…

Namor smugly attempts to regain a semblance of the upper hand and reminds Black Panther that both of them are part of the secret Illuminati gang of spandex tights and colorful gems. Remember when you walked out of the meeting. Well, are you going to admit you were wrong? Or are you just a desperate little minx these days? Me-ow.

Black Panther doesn’t answer and tells him to shake a leg, it’s time to meet with the others. Oh, and one more thing: you’re a dead man once I get everything I need from you. Capisce?

Remember how Issue #1 (YES, I’M LINKING TO IT AGAIN) started with Reed Richards talking in a dark room about accepting that everyone dies? It repeats again, and it’s revealed that he’s talking to the rest of his Super Illuminati Bros. team. While he accepts that everything dies, he will not tolerate an unnatural acceleration to that end. Capisce?

This is why T’Challa Black Panther Jones assembled everyone here today. So grab your coffee and doughnuts NOW and sit back down, you lollygagger, because the unnatural acceleration to death is happening as we speak.

Tony Stark all but BOOOs this buzzkill.

Doctor Strange speaks up and asks Black Panther what makes THIS particular cataclysmic event different from the OTHER seven million cataclysmic events that he didn’t want to attend. Not even to make a quick, fashionable appearance! Black Panther tells Strange that his people are dying so he cares more now. Namor interrupts this reunion to hover his own personal gem in his hand in front of everyone. “There are precautions that need to be taken. Prove yourselves.”

Kiss-ass Captain America and Reed Richards agree, probably because they want to flaunt their own gem-having statuses. “Stephen… Tony…” Cap asks from the other side of the table, “Where are your Infinity Gems?”

Strange says that his sealed tightly in an alternate universe box and charmed with cherub kisses and siren orgasms. Stark says his is balled up in his stinky sock drawer at home; his voice, face, and knowledge of his own name is quite enough for all of them! “I’m pretty anxious to find out what’s put the fear of God into the two smartest people I know,” he arches an eyebrow.

If you could all please direct your attention to the BE-DOOP cube, it will take all your questions from here.

The members of the Blowjob Alliance sound off one by one: Tony Stark, Black Bolt, Reed Richards, Stephen Strange, T’Challa, Namor, Steve Rogers. As usually, Captain America is confused and needs Reed Richards to tell us what happened to T’Challa.

It’s like this, yo: this dot here is the big bang, and this dot here is the heat death of the universe. We’re somewhere in between! Here, let me put another dot…there we go.

Now there are multiple universes, right? So let’s put a bunch of dots.

However, they all meet at the same end, right? So let’s make it all converge to one dot.

So what’s the problem? THIS universe *points to dot* died early. So now the real endpoint has been contracted backward. So everything is going to die sooner? Hey, Cap, you listening? Stop drooling.

Also, that universe dying causes two other universes to kind of bang into each other. Like a highway collision! Or a couple of young lovebirds fuckin’. Anyway, this caused those universes to destroy each other, which contracted the endpoint back even further, causing more calamity with other universes, and so on and so forth! That’s what T’Challa saw, an Earth colliding with another Earth in the midst of it all.

“A multiversal apocalyptic death scenario…sure, I’d say it’s a situation that needs handling,” Tony Stark mutters unhelpfully. Captain America still doesn’t understand, because he’s really dumb and there’s nothing that anyone can do about that.

We’re looking for SOLUTIONS here, Stark. Not MORE PROBLEMS. Who invited you again?

Reed Richards shows a hologram of the flux-capacitor device that this black and white lady, henceforward known as the Black Swan, had in her possession. The device AND the trigger mechanism are both in Reed’s hands! So all we have to do is blow shit up? Yes, Captain America, you have a question? Please refer to the Cube.

Captain America halts the conversation in its path and diplomatically advises that they should all learn as much as they can about the next event, and then figure out a way to win when the time comes! Sounds like he doesn’t want to deal with it right now. Sounds like he has a roast in the oven.

Richards implores the room that there’s no time to wait like that. He goes back to his boring charts and graphs. Using the magic of physics and harmonics, they should be able to predict and detect a short period of harmonic alignment between two different Earths. Each incursion lasts eight hours, after which both Earths blow up to smithereenies and BOOM, everyone’s dead as shit and both universes are destroyed! OR, one Earth can be destroyed manually which will save the other Earth, and then both universes will be saved! The latter option sounds better, buuut I’m open to the first option as well!

In short, Captain “Explain Like I’m Five” America rubs two half-brain cells together. Something to the tune of “we’re in the middle of those eight hours, so let’s figure something out quick!” I hope no one has to use the bathroom! I’m looking at you, Namor. No toilet diving today.

Namor says what they’re all thinking though: there’s some hard decisions that will have to be made very soon. “The question you have to ask is, who here would kill to save their world?”

Before Captain America has a chance to answer (possibly with a “good gracious, not I!”), a low rumble shakes the room and cracks their meeting table. Shit, that’s not a good sign! The earth doesn’t just quake like that once in a while! Or does it? “We have a problem that demands a perfect solution,” Stark chimes in, “To find that, we need time, and we need to be able to work without tether, which means secrecy.” Sounds like Tony Stark’s gunning for some bathroom jack-off alone time. Once Namor is done in there, certainly.

Cap doesn’t like where Stark’s going with this. “I will not tolerate–I will not allow–any talk of the necessity of necessary evil.” the America Man says, standing upright broom-in-ass style to drive home the seriousness of his chastising. Don’t forget, gentleman, we have THE GEMS! THE PRECIOUS GEMS! THE GEMS ARE THE KEY! DIDN’T ANYONE THINK OF THE GEMS AT ALL?

Reed Richards ponders this unprecedented burst of inspiration from the team’s biggest dullard. “We would need all six gems to be sure.” With Professor Xavier decomposing in the next room as we speak, the Mind Gem is gone with him. No hope! No hope!

Namor scoffs at the preposterous notion. “We can use the five we have to find his– the stones want to be together.”

We probably should wash it first. BE-DOOP!

BE-DOOP! A glove appears! Time to get those stones back! Gotta look for the thumb stone.

So a plan is in action. Stark, T’Challa, and Richards will work on constructing the magic multiverse collision early warning system, and Namor, Black Bolt, and Captain America will look for the Mind Gem. Doctor Strange can get us all coffee.

Cap gives everyone one last pep talk and they all go their separate ways.

Later, at the Temple I Think, Richards tells T’Challa that Stark is almost finished with the early warning system. Captain America and his crew are ready to go gem-hunting. “Well then, it appears everything’s going to work out fine…but we know better than that, don’t we?” T’Challa asks with his frowny brow furrowed. And because he’s everyone’s favorite party pooper, Richards says “Infinite worlds. Infinite outcomes. If this could easily be stopped…it should have been stopped. Which means there are two more likely possibilities…”

Either the problem is inherent in the universe’s design and can’t be stopped…

Or someone (or something) is actively pushing the universe toward that direction…

T’Challa asks what they can do if nothing they try works? At least in the righteous and good and honorable direction?

Then they all have to learn how to do the necessary evil kind of stuff instead. And Goody Two-Shoes Cap will be a hard sell on that one. That guy can’t even kill germs without praying to the Lord for forgiveness.

“We have to learn how to destroy a world.”

Final Thoughts

Stakes are high! It parallels the whole Ex Nihilo arc from Hickman’s Avengers World where the big bad gods were harming the universe by creating. Now the good guys have to save the universe by destroying.

As always, the second or third issue of a storyline seems to be its peak. After that, well…*fart*