Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761 – “For a Thousand Years…”!

In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, it is revealed that Lois Lane stole an artifact from the vicinity of the Fortress of Solitude while she and Superman were cavorting around Antarctica, which led to an entity named Kem-L to storm his way through Lois and Clark’s apartment. There’s a dumb fight. Also, Perry White yells at Jimmy Olsen.

In the previous issue of Action Comics (Vol. 1), a sultry seductress named La Encantadora uses her sultry seductress skills to sell fake kryptonite to villains and goad Superman into kicking their asses while she slinks away with their money. It was a very long issue, but I just summed it up in one sentence. I also totally copied and pasted that from an earlier blog post. That’s called being fucking lazy.

Onward.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761 [January, 2000]
Written by: Joe Kelly
“For a Thousand Years…”

I’m positive that “For a Thousands Years…” is a reference to how long it will take me to read through this issue. All of these turn-of-the-millennium comic books are dreadfully long and wordy. Much like my blog pages! Who am I to criticize?

Tom, that’s who.

I’ve been eating a lot of Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal lately, and in spite of getting diabetes in my ‘30s I’ll also have the necessary energy to plow through this! I consider it a wash.

Anyway, welcome Wonder Woman to the spotlight. Time to see some seriously sweaty, strangely erotic demon hacking and slashing.

“Metropolis. A city where Sunday morning snuggling is still a national pastime…” Yeah, whatever Joe Kelly. I’ve seen pictures of you, you’ve never snuggled anything in your life.

Lois and Clark are snuggling reading the newspaper. It’s full of that WHO IS MRS. SUPERMAN hullabaloo, and they’re both having a good laugh over it. HA HA! Like that. Clark kisses her on the head with a “SMEK”.

Out of curiosity, though… let’s say that Lois wasn’t “Mrs. Superman”. Who would have wedded and bedded? Think about this carefully! Don’t fall in the trick bag! Whew, he’s a little bit smarter than he looks, barely. It’s Lois and it’ll always be Lois. Did he win?

No. Lois insists on a real answer to the question.

…Ruth Bader Ginsburg?? Hmm, she did leave a sexy corpse…

Speaking too soon, lady. Horrible timing, because five seconds after Lois draws open the curtains, the stunning-as-all-getout WONDER WOMAN makes her entrance! Lois’ jubilation has been stamped out! Maybe even literally, since Wonder Woman is roughly 14 feet taller than Lois and could accidentally crush her like a bug.

A couple of kids are gazing up at the sky from a bridge.
“Heh… hey, dude, look, up in the sky… it’s a bird–”
“Yeah… luckiest bird ever… Good God, those legs…”

Now that we’re done objectifying Superman, I assume, we see he and Wonder Woman hanging out in the sky. They’re hooking arms, and I know for sure that Wonder Woman can’t fly but I still wouldn’t trust this whatsoever. The guy could be distracted by a doughnut he sees on the ground with his super telescopic vision and then Wonder Woman would drop like a stone.

There’s some good-natured, gentle ribbing about how Wonder Woman decided to conspicuously knock on the window of his apartment, where she could be easily observed by thousands of people, and also get Lois all riled up and jealous. Bad! Wonder Woman stays coy, like “ooooh, did I get you in trouble, big man? You can find my apology inside my vagina.”

Ha! Sounds tempting! *flies away*

Things are just fine, I can tell. No Wiccan spellcasting rituals tonight!

At home, a disheveled Lois gazes into a bathroom mirror. Obviously riled up. Obviously jealous. Obviously thinks she doesn’t got the goods. This isn’t the Lois Lane I know! The Lois Lane I know would be bitch-smacking this Lois Lane, guaranteed.

“Stupid golden lasso…”

A couple of ugly motherfuckers at the police station are fervently discussing the identity of Mrs. Superman. Officer Blanks, a man, and Officer Loretta Something-or-Other, a woman. She must be pretty hot and smart and funny and can cook a mean pot roast and derail a train with her big penis. Loretta says she met Superman and she knows what he likes! In fact, he came down to the station and dropped off a weird glass cube with a black crystal in it! Evidence! Blanks and Loretta don’t notice the crystal hissing, emitting a strange, swirling orange smoke…

FINALLY, after some flirting and beating around the bush, Wonder Woman discusses why she’s bothering Superman in the first place. It has to do with the son of Mongul and his desire to get help from the only man who actually CAN help. And this time it’s NOT Jeff Goldblum, although the offer is still on the table for his involvement. Certainly, though, Superman doesn’t really trust that guy… but it’s hard to fake that kind of fear in the eyeballs. He’s seen a lot of eyeballs in his day, and he knows eyeball fear when he sees it. So, he’ll be joining this new buddy in deep space, and he’ll need Wonder Woman to hold down the fort while he’s gone. The Earth fort. If she would be so kind.

Ok, fair enough. Well, sir, Wonder Woman is there for you. She can lasso like nothing else. Giddy-up and yee-haw.

“You’ve told Lois, of course?”
“Lois? Told her what?”
“Told her about this quest. You’re not asking me to watch the Earth as a formality…”

No, he hasn’t told her diddly-squat. And he doesn’t want to! First of all, he doesn’t want her to worry. Second of all, she’ll want to COME and UGGGHHH can’t he just be alone for FIVE MINUTES???

“So you didn’t tell Lois, your wife, the love of your life… but you told me?” she asks, putting her hand on his shoulder.
“Well, yes, but… it’s different with you…”

Hey there, baby… looks like we’re alone here in this… high school cafeteria…

Before they get a chance to indulge in rude intercourse, a large KRAKOOM rattles the area! Next is a SHAZZAKKT! Nanu nanu! And that shazzakkt strikes the two of them and envelops them in a sphere of energy. It totally kills the mood.

Superman and Wonder Woman are dizzy and woozy, and they may have time-traveled, and at the very least they’ve been teleported. Wonder Woman recognizes the place, but, to Superman’s confusion, she jumps at like a scared cat and starts screaming shit like “WRETCHED DEATH MONGER!!!” and “FILTHY, ILL-BEGOTTEN OFFAL-SPAWN! YOU DARE THREATEN A DAUGHTER OF THEMYSCIRA?!?” and “TEAR YOUR INNARDS OUT AND TIE YOU TO THE TREE OF LIFE WITH, SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT HERDER!!!” For real, it’s kind of hot. But Superman keeps trying to get her attention, and it’s thus far an unsuccessful endeavor.

She appears to be beating up a giant robot bug. Like a mantis or a grasshopper. A red-bearded man in flamboyant armor makes a hearty entrance and approaches Superman. He admires Wonder Woman’s instinctual tenacity! She will be a valorous ally! To what, we don’t know yet. Super Smash Bros.? The N64 version of course.

This dude is Thor, Odin’s son, and he welcomes Superman to Valhalla! Bathroom is two doors down on the right.

Wonder Woman finishes making short work of whatever it was that she yelled at. A demon from the deepest circles of Hades, she says. Wickedness incarnate, she says. The beasts are called, uh, “vrgtsmyth”. I think there are some letters missing. Or there should be less letters. Pick a direction.

None of that matters right now. Superman is aghast, because Wonder Woman *puts his hands on his cheeks like Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone* K-K-K-K-K-K-KILLED IT!

“Of course. What was I supposed to do with it?” she replies matter-of-factly. Superman continues to gibber and have a fucking heart attack about this. Mr. Odinson, the DC Thor and not the Marvel Thor, is like “she had no choice, idgit. The vrgtsmyth are a scourge to us all! They’re the rats of the, you know, ground. And Valhalla is positively lousy with the whatsits! *cough* *hack* *wheeze* *hack* *sputter*”

Superman still doesn’t understand. Can’t they just negotiate with these monsters? Sign a treaty? Why do you all have to kill them? Superman can’t even kill a bug without crying for six hours and asking the Lord for forgiveness. And Thor all but tells Superman to stick his peace treaties up his gaping butt. “Kal, there’s no grey area for me here,” Wonder Woman tries to explain to the lumbering blue-spandexed oaf, “I’m honor-bound to defend Asgard without question…”

Ok, lady, but how about this: uhhhhhh, how about a peace treaty instead? And furthermore–

Thor calls his nerd a weak coward, which is where we can both agree. So look, chump: Son o’ Odin expended every ounce of energy getting them here, so he can’t send you back where you came from right now. Not until the war is over!

So, pack ye a lunch.

What’s happening out of Valhalla, back in the real world? Why, it’s our good friend La Encantadora who seduced Superman, and if you can’t remember who that is, I don’t blame ya! Everyone tries to seduce Superman! He’s very seducible, as the dictionary tells me.

She’s in prison telling stories to her chain smoking prison mate. Yes, she kissed Superman! It was awful! His lips were like wriggling worms! On the plus side, those were NOT the kisses of a married man. No man who is married would kiss like that. I guess what I’m getting at here is that Superman is unmarried!!

No way, José. You’re full of beans or my name isn’t CHAIN SMOKING PRISON MATE.

Hold that thought! The guard is here to deliver lunch, and he sure looks like he’s under some horrible spell. I wonder if being in the immediate vicinity of La Encantadora has something to do with it, but probably not. Right? Unlikely. The dish has a single vial which starts emitting some of that scarlet smoke. You know, the one that allows her to encantadora the whole room! The smoke hisses.

Valhalla! A battle to end all battles! Or rather, a battle to start all battles…is underway.

This sounds like literal Hell. I mean, do they get to put on fresh changes of clothes? Do they even get Nintendo breaks?

It sounds horrible, just beating up vrhtmyth after vsrirsbsmyth for years and years. Can you even imagine that? Imagine that right now. Instead of getting up and going to work on weekdays and indulging in your hobbies and watching the seasons change and going to the store to pick up some flower pots and garden gnomes and fixing some stuff around the house and hanging out downtown with friends and eating some dinner and watching new episodes of Better Call Saul and finding new interests and making new friends and starting a family, you’re hitting demons with an axe every 45 seconds for decades. What the fuck is that bullshit?

And the worst part is that Superman had to be careful not to kill any of them himself because the Book of Mormon forbids it.

Oh yeah, and he didn’t want to forget about Lois even though he’s spent 20,000 days in a row, morning, noon, and night, with someone way more attractive and physically fit. And she stays respectful even though she has a thing for him. He’s growing a stupid beard.

And one day, Superman could barely remember Lois. He can’t even remember how she smells. Wonder Woman, on the other hand, smells like orchids and sunflowers and daisies and meatloaf and electrical fires and old hats. It’s quite intoxicating.

Yadda yadda yadda. This goes on a while with that parchment-y narration. Even Thor eventually died, which is fucked up because he’s an actual god. Now Superman can’t remember Lois’ credit card number or the school she went to in third grade, but Wonder Woman shits tulips and ambrosia.

And they fight and fight and their bond grows stronger and stronger. Kind of shitty that Lois asked that question so vehemently at the beginning of the book! Way to jinx it.

And it sounds like the penis is really closing on the vagina here. Let’s check back with the goings-on at the Daily Planet. Perry White is talking about his terrible marriage with his terrible wife and how he cheated like a terrible husband why they continue to stick it out anyway for no readily apparent reason. He was able to reconcile with a bouquet of roses. He probably bought them from a bum near the gas station alley for 14 dollars and a kiss.

Uhh huhhhh. So Lois is like “OK! So even though Clark might be boning Wonder Woman, it could be also possible that he’s NOT boning Wonder Woman? Is that what I’m gleaning here?”

UH HA HA HA HA HAAAA! *laughtrack* *Perfect Strangers end credits music*

More Game of Thrones valor happens in Valhalla for a small collection of panels. Glory. Honor. The touch of woman would be nice one in a while, it’s kind of hard to just go without that for decades. Even prisoners touch each other once in a while, man. By now Superman kind of looks like Jared Leto at his hairiest and beardiest. He appears to be bedridden, needing potions and leeches, probably. Wonder Woman fans him with a comically large feather. A big offensive strike is going to happen. This is their last night together, whether they win or die. There is ALMOST a kiss! But then Superman pusses out. LOIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR 1,000 YEARS NOW BUT SO HELP HIM, HE WILL NOT PUT HIS LIPS ON ANOTHER WOMAN’S LIPS. NOT ON HER TASTY, TASTY LIPS.

Fine. Be that way.

“Thank you, Diana… for always being my best friend. I love you.”
And Wonder Woman is like, then bone my brains out idiot. “I love you too, Clark…”

AND THE BATTLE RAGES ON! SLASH! BASH! ZOOM! BOOM!

They win! Yay!

Is that it? IS THAT “IT”?? I’ll give you varlet, you overflowing dump truck of bullshit.

Thor immediately rises from the dead, I’m hypothesizing here, to congratulate them on a job well done! Kudos! Here’s your plaque and your TGI Friday’s gift card! Thor is like “yes I’m back hurf durf hurf durf and guess what, Superwoman and Wonder Man? You get to pick anything you want from the box as a reward! Whoopie cushions, yo-yos, the sticky hands that you fling against the wall and then they’ll stick to the wall! Ha ha ha!

They both smile! Anything? ANYTHING?? Wow!

Lois is at home in her nicer-than-Valhalla Metropolis apartment writing a letter. It’s a confession about whatever deal she made with Lex regarding selling back the Daily Planet. I think that’s what happened. He might have picked up Arby’s for her, too. That might be part of it. Now she’s like OH DEAR, PLEASE FORGIVE ME CLARK. I DON’T DESERVE TO BE YOUR WIFE. BOO HOO.

Lois is crying on the balcony and crunching up the letter, ready to toss it down to the street. Maybe even toss herself down to the street! But a large unknown blue blur whisks her up in the sky. Is it Sonic the Hedgehog? You’re close!

Superman and Lois share a very passionate, very public kiss. While they hover in the air among apartment buildings where about 900 people could easily see them. Superman’s not very conspicuous as it is, after all. Not very bright either, I guess, as I have already said many, many times over the course of many, many issues. He could give Captain America a run for his money.

Superman misses her; from his point of view he’s been gone about 45,000 years.
Lois misses him; from her point of view he’s been gone about 45,000 seconds.

That’s about 12 hours.

Final Thoughts

Superman doesn’t want to kill anything and he doesn’t want to fuck anything. Do you think he’d cry if he tried a sip of beer? Do you think he’d go into exile if he accidentally smelled marijuana?