Here in Chicago it’s about 75°F outside. Unseasonably warm. Light breeze. Beautiful blue sky. Colorful trees still filled with autumn leaves. And here I am indoors scanning the Sunday comics and making fun of Moose & Molly. It’s a wonderful day!

Moose & Molly

Get the gun, Molly. The NEIGHBORHOOD NEWS LADY looks rabid, and she may have stolen her hair from the NEIGHBORHOOD CLOWN.

This one’s a real thinker! It demands paying attention. For instance, since I didn’t want to spend an extra nanosecond reading this horrible Moose & Molly strip, I couldn’t even tell what the punchline was at first. And then once I cracked THAT code, I was worried about the poor fish. BUT then I saw it alive and well! Lots of Easter eggs here! Very rewarding. The average Moose & Molly reader must have an IQ of 292.

Judge Parker

Like hell I’ve been keeping up with Judge Parker. I barely even know these characters! Gloria Shannon? Steve? WHATEVER, MAN.

I’m going to try to guess what happened to Steve. He was jogging along the side of the road with earbuds full of ABBA and James Taylor. A car full of hooligans, enjoying a morning of knocking down mailboxes, cracks Steve in the face with a bat while going 85 mph. Another car, a family on a road trip, drives up to Steve’s unconscious body and empties all their piss bottles on him. Then someone ties a rope to his legs and pulls him down the road by their truck for roughly 35 miles. Then a bird pecks out his eyeballs.

Gloria’s going to find that bird if it’s the last thing she ever does.

Mary Worth

It’s objectively funny that Zak, a guy who looks a lot like Mac DeMarco and is probably at least 25, is using toxic machismo to risk his life to prove absolutely nothing. Is this supposed to be suspenseful? Because this is the hardest I laughed at the Sunday comics today.

They’ll never, ever find Zak’s body. His gravestone will say “Here Lies Zak Magoo. 1997 – 2022. Died doing what he loved: being a dumbass. His last words were “OOPS…UFF!”

And then they’ll throw that gravestone down Piccadee Falls.