I ate two bowls of Golden Grahams this morning, and it was the highlight of my day. On the list of things I did this morning, reading the Sunday funnies was about 480th on my list of things that made me feel productive.

I also drew a circle on the wall and pressed my nose up against it for 20 minutes. That was 15th on my list.

Rex Morgan, M.D.

REX MORGAN BRINGING THE FUNNY. Good god, man, this makes Family Circus look like… uh… Def Comedy Jam? Fantastic analogy.

Let’s jump to Sarah’s room. I’m going to flesh this part of the story out a little bit! Rex is reading Sarah the Bible. After one of those stories about God killing a whole town full of innocent people, Sarah begs for more deity carnage. Rex wants to get loaded, so he’s trying to wrap this up as quickly as possible. Tomorrow, Sarah’s going to read more from Rex’s Kama Sutra collection. Rex agrees to let Sarah draw penises in her diary for another 20 minutes before bed. Tomorrow is Saturday, but Rex is making her go to school anyway.

Meanwhile, the quotation marks around “twins” implies marriage infidelity.

Hey, this comic strip was funny after all!

Mallard Fillmore

Holy goddamn crap, this Mallard Fillmore punchline is teetering precariously over humorous territory. Has the world turned itself ass over elbows??

America is FULL of one-star prisons. Up your game, prison system. I suggest electric chairs that shoot out chocolate syrup instead of 2,500 volts, and prison gangs that revolve more around knitting than around shivving inmates of different races between the ribs.

Blondie

Why does Dagwood continue to work at a company where his boss performs the Argentine backbreaker rack whenever he fucks up his spreadsheets? He could be synergizing with friendly, young professionals. He could be playing in the ball pit at the Google offices. He could be turning tricks in the alley behind Arby’s.

Or just quit working altogether! Let Blondie have her chance mashing her nose against the grindstone. Then Dagwood can spend more time reconsidering their awful furniture arrangement situation.