Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #3 – “Sweet Dreams, Superwoman…”! In the previous installment, Superman takes Lois back to the Fortress of Solitude while she is in complete disbelief that Superman and Clark Kent are one and the same! I don’t know why, personally. Superman is like “durrrr” and Clark Kent is like “durrrr” so it makes a lot of sense to me.

Superman has a secret jerking-off room that Lois isn’t allowed to see, and she gets paranoid that Superman is going to murder her bones. As it turns out, Superman was using the secret jerking-off room to make Lois a birthday present: a Superwoman suit and a vial of piss-colored liquid that will grant the drinker exactly 24 hours of Superman powers!

And she’s going to spend that time Super jerking-off!

Isn’t that joke hilarious every time??

All-Star Superman, Issue #3 [May, 2006]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Sweet Dreams, Superwoman…”

“Go on. Open it.”

“What is it?”

“My superpowers. In liquid form. Happy birthday, Lois.”

“You’re serious? I get to be like you? For a whole day? Bring it on.”

*gulps down urine*

Meanwhile, a lizard monster is like “MEH-TRUH-PUH-LISZZ! KRULL WILL EAT YOU!” He’s going to eat all of Meh-truh-puh-liszz! Someone warn the citizens!

It lifts a car over its head, ready to throw it down on some poor, unsuspecting sap of a person. Way over at the Daily Planet building, a one Steve Lombard furrows his brow through his binoculars and yells at the monster to put his car down. Catherine Grant, fellow columnist, tells Lombard to pipe down. “Go on ahead and attract the attention of an army of flesh-eating dinosaur men! God!”

That Clark Kent always knows how to scurry on out of dodge when trouble’s a-brewing’. The fucker never seems to be around when the dinosaur men attack, I always say.

Jimmy Olsen wants to contact Superman, but Lombard doesn’t want that dumb bastard interfering. “We don’t need Superman! And, if you ask me, Olsen, neither does Lois Lane. You tell me what a spaceman flying around in his underwear can give her that a good old hunk of prime American manhood can’t?”

Gross.

This is better than any birthday she had as a child. Lois received nothing but pencil erasers as presents and her chocolate cake was made out of rubber and bugs.

Lombard peers through his binoculars again and spots a costumed Lois Lane cavorting around the sky with her hubby Superman. “Is that woman out of her mind?”

Out of her mind like a fox!

Lois flies around downtown with a Grinchy smirk on her face. They’re just about to face the dinosaur lizard monster when they spot someone who had already beaten them to the punch!

Samson!

Samson?

Who the hell is Samson?

Samson looks like a husky woman who spent an hour squeezing into her spandex. With one powerful throw, she launches the monster way up into outer space (and right through what looks like the International Space Station. Ha! Take that, Science!)

Nah, Samson is a husky man with luscious black hair. “Easy! He won’t be bothering Metropolis again for a while,” he boasts as Superman and Lois gawk at him like a carnival freak.

“Samson,” Lois says, “last we met, you were headed for the year 2061 to retrieve some treasure you’d hidden on Halley’s Comet…” Well, that sure is a good piece of exposition dialogue that sorts everything out nicely. Samson sounds like a real hoot. He grabs Lois’ hand and plants a tender, full-lipped, spitty kiss, complimenting her on her Lois Lane-iness. Like she’s the greatest thing in the universe. This boring woman.

Speaking of weirdo strong guys that aren’t Superman, another shows up looking like Julius Caesar with an atrocious beard. “I swear by the everlasting snows of Olympus, Lois Lane, you’re practically dripping allure in yon clinging garment.”

Gross. Again.

This dude is Atlas. So Samson is the Samson. These dudes exist in the Superman universe, huh? Sounds annoying!

Superman struts up to the two of them as they continue verbally fondling Lois Lane. “Gentlemen, if you don’t mind, the lady’s with me.” Yeah, that’ll do it, bonehead. Like they’re just going to walk away now, throbbing boners in their hands. Sure.

Boo. Screw all three of you, I’m spending the day with Joe Pesci.

So a Challenge of the Ages, is it? Sounds like a profound waste of everyone’s time. Especially Lois’, who would probably like to a eat a large chunk of Supercake right about now. “It’s simple,” says the goiter-necked Samson. “We’ll each of us perform a super-feat of strength in honor of Lois Lane. The most incredible feat wins her company.”

This is stupid. This issue is stupid.

Samson points out that he stopped Krull the Ugly Red Dinosaur. Atlas points out that he stopped Krull’s army. “There doesn’t seem much left for you to do, Superman!” Atlas guffaws! No Lois for Superman!

“Hmm…” Superman thinks hard, supersmoke pouring out of his ears. “Let’s get these would-be conquerors back to the center of the Earth where they belong.”

And so Superman and his crew travel to the center of the Earth to talk to more lizard people.

Yes, Dino-Czar Tyrranko, sir! Right away, Dino-Czar Tyrranko, sir!

Out of nowhere, we see Superman striking deals with a large lizard with a neck sash and a scepter. Lois is amazed that the dinosaurs who avoided extinction had made a cozy little home in the core of the Earth! Wow! Amazing!

Samson is like “almost as amazing as this necklace I made out of uranium shit” and then puts it around her neck. Lois is overjoyed to be wearing radioactive rocks.

“Look, I’m genuinely flattered, guys – but you’d have to go a long way to outdo Superman.”

“Hah!” Samson spits. “A night on the town with Superman can never rival the date of a thousand lifetimes with time-travelling Samson!”

Keep it in your pants, Samson. He has already planned a meal of triceratops bourguignon and then some drinks while Jesus gets nailed to the cross. Atlas finds this humorous. He claims he will crush raw diamonds into wine, which sounds painful to drink indeed.

While Atlas and Samson take turns stroking their mighty schlongs, Superman pulls Lois aside for a moment. “I can’t believe you’re flirting with Samson and Atlas,” he says, giving her the ol’ stink-eye. “Well, maybe I’m just teaching you a lesson,” she responds. “Y’know? After the creepy and ridiculous impersonation of Clark Kent that started all this?”

Seems unfair that Lois has to dunk on Superman’s secret identity like that. His mom spent a lot of time dressing him up in his Clark Kent clothes!

For starters, Superman, you can go suck a kryptonite dick.

Samson has some news for Superman: he’s a time-traveler! He knows that Lois won’t be “his girl” for long. He has the documents right… here… now where are they?… aha, yes! *slaps coupon for Rice-a-Roni on the table*

Samson pulls out a newspaper. Front page headline: “SUPERMAN DEAD”

All because Superman had to go and eat the sun for a few minutes. Samson laughs at Superman’s impending death. LAUGHS!

Suddenly, Lois’ uranium jewelry starts glowing. Like, really glowing. Like 1000 pregnant women all at once. Atlas neglected to mention that he and Samson are being chased by the Ultrasphynx from which they stole the jewels.

While the room glows ever brighter, Samson lets Superman know that he will complete 12 super-challenges before his death. “The stuff of legend.” Creating life, escaping from the underverse, overthrow the tyrant sun. Stuff like that. Plus answering the unanswerable question. Probably something like “if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is–”

Whoops, there’s the Ultrasphynx! Right on time! It hoists Lois up by the jewels and demands that they be returned. A price will be paid for this breach of integrity. Lois appears to have fallen unconscious.

“LOIS! NO!” Superman screams while every vein in his ugly neck bulges uncomfortably.

It’s. Like. Schrodinger’s. Cat. With. Less. Hairballs.

So now the Riddle of the Ultrasphynx! Answer correctly, Lois lives. Answer incorrectly, Lois dies. It’s all very black-and-white with the Ultrasphynx. Ready? If a tree falls in the f–

“You two morons stole that necklace, didn’t you?” Superman roars at the now cowering Samson and Atlas. Yes, and also they couldn’t fight the Ultrasphynx themselves, so they lured it to Superman to help! Gotcha! Heh heh…

“If she dies, you’re both on a one-way ticket to the Phantom Zone,” Superman says, eyes glowing red. That’s my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog level!

Anyway, what’s the goddamn riddle?

“Question: What happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object?”

A submersible implodes! That’s what! HAHAHA! BARELY TOPICAL!

Lois’ eyes open up. Superman is stumped. But then…

“They surrender.”

…

The Ultrasphynx looks pissed. “Response acceptable.”

Lois is released from the Ubersphynx’s Megagrip, smoke coming off her little head. Whew, everything is back to normal. And no threads have been left untied. Let’s get a Stouffer’s and watch some Price is Right!

“Wait a minute!” yells Samson. “What about our contest? That’s hardly what you’d call a feat of strength, Superman.”

Durrrr. Daaarrrrrrr.

Atlas and Samson basically call the guy a chicken before he turns around and goes “THAT’S IT!” and challenges them to some hand-rasslin’ in the middle of a tiny archipelago. Lois basks on the rocks while Superman takes both these losers on at once.

He twists Samson’s arm out of its socket first, then slams Atlas’ down so hard that the rocks around them crumble.

Anticlimactic.

Lois is thrilled! That evening, in the moonlight, Lois jubilates about her wonderful birthday. She asks Superman that, while it’s obvious that she loves him, why does he bother with dull-as-dirt ol’ her?

“Well… I guess there has to be one thing I just can’t help, Lois.”

Anticlimactic. Again.

Then they kiss in the moonlight with their crotches pressed up against each other. Very PG-13.

Superman and Lois share a moment atop a roof, watching the moon. “…ahhhh…” Lois sighs orgasmically. “My birthday gift is starting wear off… big time.” Pfffft, that’s ok. Superman can just whip up another vial of Super Potion. Or, conversely, he can never ever do it again! Such is life, kiddo. “But thanks… for letting me live in your world for a day.”

THINK NOTHING OF IT, TOOTS. LET’S HAVE SOME SUPER SEX, THAT SHIT IS DOPE.

Lois is still not convinced that Superman is Clark, which is beyond idiotic at this point. Honestly. Lois falls asleep while asking where Clark Kent was all day anyway (idiotic).

Superman carries her off to bed and kisses her on the forehead.

Final Thoughts

I thought Lois Lane is supposed to be, like, really really smart? Why can’t she connect the dots here? Why would Superman even bother with a dingus like her?

Oh yes, that’s right, because he’s a dumb dingus too. See you all next time.