Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #7 – “Teenage Wasteland (Chapter 1)”! I’m back at it, baby! Let’s see what these little whipper-snappers are up to now that they’re on their own. In the previous storyline, six rich kids from L.A. learn that their wealthy parents are leading double lives as supervillains. The kids witness the parents sacrificing a girl about their age during what looks like a ritual killing. Over the course of one night, the kids scramble to make sense of the situation and avoid being stopped – or worse – by their parents as they look for evidence they can take to the police.

It’s six kids against twelve adults, and although they handle their own for a brief time, they realize that they’re all in over their heads. They, as they say, run away. And they decide to atone for their parents’ supervillainous crimes by becoming superheroes.

Oh yeah, and some of them have powers and gadgets. We’ll see that fleshed out a little more, I’m sure.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [December, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Teenage Wasteland (Part 1)”

As I begin I realize I don’t remember any of these kids’ fucking names! Shorty? Draco? Francesca? Shit, man.

THE MINORU RESIDENCE – 10:55pm

“WHERE — IS – MY — CHILD?!”

The Steins attempt to talk down Frank Dean, father of Karolina Dean. See, I remember some stuff (after looking it up). Mr. Dean keeps using his alien powers to destroy shit in the lair, which the Minorus are less than pleased about TO SAY THE LEAST.

“We’re all adults here,” says Mr. Wilder. “Let’s start acting like it.”

SURE, let’s just be ADULTS. WATCH THIS, WILDER: *does taxes* *snorts cocaine*

Mr. Frank Dean was gone for one evening and now his daughter knows about her alien powers? WTF guys?

Mr. Wilder catches everyone up, including me. You see, the kids discovered their little Rite of Blood and this was already two nights ago. They’re aware of their super secret NAMBLA-esque organization, The Pride, but there is still much they don’t know. Such as all the NAMBLA-esque pancake breakfasts.

Mr. Yorkes points out that Wilder’s son, Alex, stole their Abstract. It contains everything they need to know to learn everything. EVERYTHING! Italics and Caps Lock, that’s what THIS ENTAILS.

Not Alex’s fault. Mrs. Dean just left the decoder ring for the Abstract out all willy-nilly. And furthermore–

“It will take months to decipher the sacred texts,” Mr. Wilder reassures everyone. And even if he does decipher it, then what? Take it to the police? Ha. The Pride owns the police. And also the town. And the mayor. And the mayor’s mistress. And the rest of the world, certainly.

The little shit had it coming, idiot.

So yes, Alex was framed for both murder and the “kidnapping” of young Molly Hayes. Nico Minoru and Gertrude Yorkes are also implicated, because why not? Let’s throw each and every child we can under the Evil Bus. Everyone except Karolina, I guess, because Mr. Dean is still like “where the fuck is Karolina?”

Mr. Wilder didn’t want to implicate every single child in all six of their families, because then connections will be made and then they’ll ALL KNOW that they went to Arby’s together two nights ago. So Karolina Dean and Chase Stein are in the clear. For now.

Here’s another rub: Chase stole the magic gauntlets from the Steins’ workshop, and those are very powerful. They can win every arm wrestling match. And Gertrude has a velociraptor that listens to anything she days. And Nico has the Staff of One, which is even more powerful than the Staff of Two. Everything is falling apart!

And I’m not making any of this up. Writing all this out has made me realize how batshit bananas this comic is! I love it!

But will they use these weapons against them, their own parents? The consensus is a resounding “yes”.

One of them mentions a note that was left behind: one of their children, after all they’ve been through, remains loyal to The Pride. I forgot all about this. So there’s a mole in their midst! Delicious. Well, until the parents can figure out who it is, they have some damage control to take care of.

DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!

”THE HOSTEL” — Branson Canyon, California – 11:01pm

I almost wrote “Branson Canyon” as “Bryan Cranston”, so you know where my head is at right now. The kids are hiding out in that cave that Chase discovered a while ago that he uses to jack off in private. There’s no time for jacking off right now, though. Molly is riding Gertrude’s velociraptor and Alex tells her to get off of it because he’s trying to think of something else to do other than jacking off.

Gert’s alter ego is “Arsenic”, and she said that Molly can ride her dinosaur any day of the week! Molly is “Bruiser” and she thinks everything is hunky-dory now that she’s been informed that her parents are evil.

“Hey, do I really not have to finish fifth grade?” Bruiser asks.

“Nope, school’s over forever, kid,” responds Arsenic.

“That is awesome!”

Alex isn’t happy. This sounds pretty irresponsible, but Arsenic tells him to stuff it.

Karolina is “Lucy in the Sky”. Chase is “Talkback”.

Alex is just Alex because Alex is no fun. He’s the one tasked with trying to decipher the Abstract and it ain’t going well at all. Firstly, the Abstract is pretty abstract! Secondly, the decoder ring may have come from a box of Lucky Charms. He’s going to look into it! Did I make that up? You’ll never know, will you?

“I translated some of the first chapter, but I think it’s mostly historical stuff. Whoever wrote this thing keeps talking about these weird six-toed giants called Gibborim.” He needs some internet, but they’ll never have internet again. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Chase tells the group that he switched the plates on the Honda Civic they stole, which freaks everyone else out. It sounds extremely felonious. “Trust me, I read it in a true crime book. It works every time.”

It is pointed out that Lucy in the Sky, who has glowing and flying powers, isn’t glowing as much right now. Perhaps she loses some of her incandescence at night? Maybe she gets her powers from the sun? Who cares, that part doesn’t seem too important!

Nico’s staff is gone.

Nico is “Sister Grimm”, and her staff is gone. I know this because the panel shows her despondent and mentioning that her staff is gone. Lucy in the Sky suggests she just misplaced it! You know, a giant-ass staff.

“Alex, it feels like I have something in my eye, but instead of my eye – it’s… it’s my soul or my –” Pffft, I’m going to stop you right there, sister. That shit is laaaaame.

Well, here’s the thing that Alex isn’t shy at all to point out: Sister Grimm got fucking stabbed in the chest with it. Remember? Well, maybe it sunk into her body! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Bruiser thinks everything that everyone is talking about is fucking boring as shit. “I’m freaking starving.” Alex thinks that food isn’t a priority right now, but the others agree with On-Point Bruiser and not Wet-Blanket Alex. Between them they have $19 in cash. Time for some Arby’s! Someone mentioned that earlier and it sounded good…

Alex concedes and decides that they must all go to the store as a group so that the money is well-spent… except hey Gert/Arsenic you stay with Molly/Bruiser because she’s just a kid ain’t gone through no puberty yet.

Los Feliz, California – 1:39am

Incognito, the other four pull up to a convenience store which is currently being robbed, which sucks because they’re all hungry.

“What are we gonna do?” asks Lucy in the Sky.

“We are gonna get back in the van and jet before the cops show,” replies Alex.

“What?!” exclaims Talkback, talking back as usual. “But I thought you said we were supposed to help people! To make up for our parents’ crimes and stuff!”

No. Talkback doesn’t have his gauntlets. Lucy in the Sky isn’t glowing anymore. There’s a freakin’ staff in Sister Grimm’s chest. Which only appears again, apparently, when she gets cut with something, and– HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! Someone cut her with something so they can get the staff! Right?

Is that a Staff of One or are you just happy to see me?

Talkbalk brandishes a pocketknife, which Sister Grimm promptly puts to the back of her forearm. “Heh. Sorta tickled that time,” she says as the staff rises out of her body. Talkbalk is thoroughly weirded out, but he is shut up quickly by Alex. Time to form a plan, kids.

Meanwhile, the convenience store clerk had just shot the robber in the chest and nothing happened. She’s confused! What is going on?! And–

KERRASSH. The window shatters inward. “Whoops,” Lucy in the Sky covers her mouth. “Sorry about your window, I was just trying to blind the bad guys.”

“Everyone put your hands up! You’re…” Alex stammers lamely. “You’re under citizen’s arrest.”

Cute.

“It’s Power Pack!”

“Kill ‘em!”

BLAMBLAMBLAM

Everything is happening so fast! And who is Power Pack?! And where are my pants?! The kids take cover while Sister Grimm readies her staff. “FREEZE.” She points it at the robbers, and a flock of pelicans bursts out of it. They start a-peckin’. Only for a second are they completely dumbfounded before Lucy in the Sky grabs the clerk and flies her away. Talkback keeps a hold on the second robber, “the little guy”. Alex yells at the other two to get down to the ground, but Alex gets thrown through a display of tasty potato chips.

Talkback still has his guy subdued, but the other two decide to book it. One is named Topher, proving once again that Eric Foreman thinks he’s a bigger badass than his 80-pound skinny ass actually is.

Talkback removes the third guy’s mask, and it’s revealed to be a teenage boy with an eyebrow piercing. “Please! Please don’t hurt me! I… I never wanted to be part of this! My mom and dad threatened to kill me if I didn’t help them! You have to believe me! My parents are evil.”

…

“Well then…” Alex extends a hand. “Welcome to the club.”

Final Thoughts

These kids are so out of their league. They deserve spankings from the villainous parental units. Too bad they’re going to be bumbling so hard that they’ll never be able to thwart their bumbling children.

Everyone’s Incompetent. That should’ve been the name of the series!