Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #486 – “Heavy Metalhead”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, Batman “thwarted” Black Mask by letting his imposter drown off the docks, which doesn’t help anyone. The False Face Society has been caught en masse and will be sent to prison after being charged with the crime of “hangin’ out with Black Mask”, basically. I don’t even think they committed any crimes! You should probably have them commit crimes before you convict and sentence them to prison. But I’m no college criminal justice major!

So now we likely move onto something else, but the overall theme of this story is that Batman is starting to suck at his job. Which is funny! Maybe Alfred can show him a thing or two, as he should, every single day. Even the stuff about fuckin’, ‘cause if anyone in Gotham fucks it’s Alfred.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #486 [November, 1992]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Heavy Metalhead”

“I failed, and my head’s still ringing with it,” thinks Batman as he skulks atop what looks like a capitol building. He let Black Mask get away. His cronies are imprisoned, but the leader is still at large. He may as well just tie up the ol’ noose right now and kill himself at the Chick-fil-A.

Not only did he fail miserably, but also and such, Batman’s nose won’t stop gushing blood. My advice is to eat some cookies and drink some orange juice, but Batman takes nobody’s advice about anything. “Here’s where the clitoris is, Bruce!” It’s like, fuck you bitch.

Down at the docks is a really seedy bar called Pheeney’s. A man clad in black with a spikey hood (METALHEAD, I PRESUME) asks the locals if they’ve seen anyone suspicious lately. Bat guy, wearing the bat cowl? The locals laugh at this dweeb wearing what looks like a Halloween costume, asks him if he’s the Great Pumpkin! Metalhead hates comedians, and he takes it out on a mug of beer by smashing it with one of his extendo-spikes. The guy with the beer gets up all “WHY I OUTTA” and Metalhead stabs him in the torso with his head, leaving the guy bleeding to death.

“For the third time… I’m looking for someone. I’m looking for… Black Mask.”

I guess I was wrong. I’d rather look for Batman, honestly. That guy has money to steal.

The patrons of the shitty bar are now scared out of their little wits. One tells Metalhead that Batman threw the fucker into the river about six hours ago. Another tells Metalhead that it wasn’t actually Black Mask that they fished out of the river. A third tells Metalhead sweatily to try Sharkey’s, all the degenerates and lowlifes love to hang out at Sharkey’s! Black Mask might be there, heh. You’d be in good company yourself! Heh heh.

Metalhead, satisfied, walks out. The stabbed guy keeps saying “I’m stabbed”. I’m tired of his whining and I will move on.

Bruce is playing Space Invaders in the Batcave. Alfred comes down to tell his honey to get some sleep, to which Bruce says “NO!” and kicks Alfred in the balls. “Very well, sir, I can understand self-imposed starvation and sleep-deprivation… but if your nose is broken–”

You look like a dipshit, sir. At least let me get a band-aid.

Bruce, bleeding all over the fucking place, kicks Alfred in the balls again and tells him to leave him alone about his nose. He’s got work to do. Papers to shuffle. Salt to dig out of the mines. Leave him be.

Elsewhere, some Kurt Russell mullet head named Tim is visiting a Dr. Shondra Kinsolving about acupuncture. His father is responding well to hydrotherapy, so let him give the acupuncture a try, Tim. Eh, Tim? Tim.

“Dad hates needles,” says a hesitant Tim. An unsure Tim. A reluctant Tim. But he promises to try talking him into it…

Tim pushes his dad out of the hospital in a wheelchair. Daddy thinks Dr. Kinsolving is a miracle worker! He might actually get out of this wheelchair *checks watch* today! Well, pops, that’s great news, because she wants to shove a thousand needles into your tender flesh. Thoughts?

Bruce finds nothing in the files, reports, newspaper clippings, microfilm, documentaries, fortune cookies, or airplane advertisements about Black Mask. About Roman Sionis. About nobody and nuthin’. He puts on his cowl and decides to try looking in non-obvious places (just an excuse to play in the sewers again, honestly). Alfred is ready to serve his master tea and scones when Batman zips away in his Batmobile. Alfred scowls. Bruce does not care about Alfred’s feelings one bit, that’s for sure.

Did anyone order a little BDSM??

Metalhead enters Sharkey’s and asks around. He gets the same kind of guff he got at Pheeney’s, so he starts whipping around his spiked mace intending to fuck up a cunt or two…

Robin shows up to Wayne Manor looking for Brucey W., but Alfred says he’s already gone cavorting around town looking for Black Mask again. I learn that Robin is Tim, so there’s that uneventful reveal. Fuckin’ Kurt Russell mulleted nerd. Alfred is starting to get worried about Bruce because he hasn’t touched a meal in 17 days and he keeps howling about masks. It’s unsettling. He needs an exorcism.

On his way to “look for Black Mask” in the sewers, Batman hears a radio broadcast about a mystery metal-headed Metalhead terrorizing tough guys in bars. Batman is like “huff, another one already?”

Robin and Alfred continue to have a little chat about Bruce. Some armchair psychology. The guy just won’t quit, won’t stop. He keeps pushing himself and pushing himself. Maybe it’s because his PARENTS DIED lol, but something else is going on. Normal people go bowling and shit in their spare time. Bruce has decided to do dangerous things instead. “Things which have begun to prey on him,” Alfred says. “Perhaps even… control him.”

Oooooh, scary. Yawn. What’s next? Batman enters Sharkey’s where people are bleeding. He’s told some Spikey Man is looking for Black Mask. Some guy said Black Mask might be in a cemetery. The dude just kept hacking and slashing, though! Wouldn’t laugh at any of the jokes about him at all! Terrible sport, that guy.

The Sionis Family Crypt! Of course! *Batman music plays* “Nowhere else to go. And I feel dead anyway,” says Batman. Ok, then.

Look at these guys with heads full of brains. Bruce Wayne is as complex as a two-piece jigsaw puzzle.

Robin and Alfred keep talking, and it’s a really inane conversation. Batman isn’t out for revenge, necessarily, he’s out to stop injustice. It’s compassion, not revenge. And he’s obsessed because Bruce has no self-control. He should join a bowling league, but he won’t. He’s just going to keep being Batman because he doesn’t know how to do anything else at all whatsoever.

Batman’s nose keeps bleeding as he drives up to the crypt. He recognizes the fact that he’s hungry and tired, but he won’t give up now. “Sleep is an unnecessary crutch,” he says stupidly. “The stiffness and soreness only makes me want to punish my muscles more, stretch them to their limits… Got to beat my weakness, not surrender to it.” And he thinks it’s working! He actually thinks he’s alert and fast and sharp and cunning!

Batman trips over a pebble and falls down a well; dies.

Batman walks into the crypt and a voice behind him declares that he’s looking for someone. Then, without warning, Batman gets hit in the hand with razor-sharp spikey spikes.

They both share a common goal: finding Black Mask. But while Batman wants to pin him to the floor and impale his butt with a flagpole, Metalhead wants to join his merry gang of masked folk. And since Batman wants to bring him down, well, that makes him an enemy innit?

So they fight. They fight and fight. They fight and fight and fight and fight. Too bad Batman is stinky and tired, he’s really losing miserably. Getting all cut up and sliced like a ham. Like an oversized, sad ham. “I will not give up!” he keeps saying to himself like an overconfident ham.

Alfred and Robin drive up to the crypt in Alfred’s unmarked child-molestin’ van. They find Batman victorious, somehow, and when asked who the man behind the spikey mask was, Batman goes “LET THE PO-LICE SORT IT OUT!”

But it wasn’t Black Mask, so Batman still thinks he failed.

Kick him over a canyon while he’s not looking! Quick!

“Maybe Black Mask isn’t down, but you stopped him – and when he makes his next move, then we nail him, right?” asks Robin, desperate to talk some sense into his mentor. Batman thinks on that for a second, but he’s so, so tired… “M-Maybe you’re right…” Batman concedes, nose still bleeding.

So Robin hoists Batman up so he can take him back home and get him into his jammies.

Final Thoughts

This Batman guy just won’t give up until someone forces him, huh? It’s like “HEY! YOU’RE BLEEDING EVERYWHERE! LIE THE FUCK DOWN AND WATCH GOLDEN GIRLS!”

And Bea Arthur is the goldenest girl of them all.