Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “The Good Die Young (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 5 of the Good Die Young storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “The Good Die Young (Chapter 5)”! In the previous installment, Chase isn’t actually dead, but he’s not going to make it for the boss fight. At least not yet *wink*

The remaining five kids make their way to the Rite of Thunder Room and confront their parents. Everyone becomes incapacitated except for Alex, who reveals (much to even his parents’ surprise) that HE is Mr. Mole himself! He even grins wryly at them, the universal facial expression for smug triumph.

Of course, there are still two issues left, so there are plenty of avenues for twists and turns ahead! Can you feel that, baby? Can you? Can you? That’s palpable excitement, baby.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17 [October, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“The Good Die Young (Part 5)”

The Marine Vivarium, Underwater Lair of the Gibborim, 11:49pm

That makes it sound ridiculous! “Underwater Lair of the Gibborim” indeed? And what’s a vivarium, really? Come on, guys. Let’s stop making up words.

Nico wakes up from her frozen state and asks what just happened. Alex does his “heh heh I’m a bad boy” schtick, and Nico catches on pretty quickly that something just ain’t right. All the other kids in the room are unconscious like me on my wedding day!

“No,” Nico says disbelievingly. “No, not you. You… you can’t be the traitor.”

Alex keeps his stoic face at maximum frump. Believe it, sister. Nico gets right up to his ear and whispers frantically about this little joke of his. A gag, right? Some double-double-cross stuff is happening, isn’t it? Instead of answering the question, Alex discusses his first encounter with the secret passageway in his house roughly one year ago during the last Meeting of the Pride. While Karolina, Chase, and the rest were watching some movie with titties in it, Alex snuck through the corridor and found their parents engaging in the same ritual that they had just witnessed before all this shit went down 16 issues ago.

But those costumes were freaky, you gotta admit. Just a hair below killing the young girl, though.

Alex kept his mouth shut about it. “I knew there had to be a logical explanation for what I had seen… and I was right,” he tells Nico, and even Mrs. Wilder is like “whoa, ok, slow down there, kid. You don’t want to just lay it all out there and–”

NOPE! We’re talking about it! Alex spent the next few sleepless nights sneaking into his dad’s office to read up on the Pride lore, the Gibborim, and the giant pile of Playboys his dad had in the corner. “I couldn’t believe it…” he says after describing the altruistic intents of the Pride. “My mom and dad were heroes.”

Nico has had about enough of this cockamamie nonsense. First of all, they killed an innocent girl. Second of all, shut up. It’s for the greater good, etc.

“Anyway, I discovered pretty quickly that not everyone in the Pride was as noble as my parents,” Alex continues, puffing out his chest. He oversaw the Hayes and the Deans conspiring against the rest of the pride so they can get that sweet, sweet eternal bliss for themselves. Of course, anything they think about goes in the Abstract because it writes itself in real time, so they must destroy any pages about the furious orgies. And, if they have time, the conspiracies.

“But if the Wilders notice the missing passages… if they suspect we’re preparing to murder the rest of the Pride at next year’s Rite of Thunder…” Mr. Hayes says with enough exposition dialogue to choke a fat horse. Mrs. Hayes finishes his thought, and states that they’ll just lobotomize the rest if they find out. Bing bang boom so simple.

Collect this arsenal, Joy Boy. *grabs crotch*

Alex heard all this, because why not? So he took action, and by “action” I mean “no action” and didn’t tell anyone. He just bided his time, waited until the next Pride meeting, snuck them all through to view This Year’s Ritual Sacrifice, and got everyone on board to stage a fake coup. He tipped the police off to their hideout. He… baked cookies. He did a lot of things.

Nico is furious. Alex thinks he’s doing all this to help, but he’s being a douchebag and he’s not going to get kisses anymore. Not now, not ever! But guess what, Nico? Alex loves you, and he wants you involved in his plan! You get eternal paradise along with her parents and the Wilder family! They’re pulling the same shit that the Deans and the Hayes tried to pull. Isn’t that fantastic?

“After we feed the giants the young woman’s soul we collected at the last Rite of Blood, the Gibborim will undoubtedly award immortality to the six of us,” Mr. Wilder explains like it’s a done deal. Nico points out that it’s at the expense of the rest of the world. Alex likens it to a reset button, and mentions a greater world for “their” kids. Nico turns red with frustration and punches Alex in the face. “Not if you were the last boy on Earth, loser,” Nico says, rubbing her hand.

Nico attempts to hoist a glowing Karolina up from the floor and spill the beans on Alex’s betrayal. “I knew he was all wrong for you,” Karolina says racistly before blasting Alex in the chest with pure energy.

“Staff of One… BONDAGE.” Red chains materialize and wrap themselves around Karolina’s arms and ankles. Next, Alex tries to control the dinosaur a bit more, but Gert has awakened now and duly declares that the dinosaur doesn’t take orders from him anymore. “Old Lace… fetch.”

The dinosaur grabs the Staff and runs away with it, stymieing Alex! So stymied, in fact, that he goes “Hey…!” which is the mating call of the stymied.

Back off, hosers, it’s Dinosaur Time!

Nico reclaims her Staff and threatens Alex’s balls and penis with it. Alex dares her to try it, extending a fire gauntlet to Karolina’s face. Stalemate.

KROOOM! That’s the sound of a very awake and spry Chase blasting through a wall with their giant Leapfrog submersible. “What I miss?” he asks. Alex is like “whoooaahhh, whuuuuutt?” which is just enough distraction time for Nico to magic her way into breaking the fire gauntlets.

“That’s enough, young lady,” says Mr. Minoru. She should be more appreciative of the gift the Wilders have bestowed upon their family. Eternal paradise, remember? A cavalcade of hamburgers, HBO, and blowjobs.

Now the Yorkes wake up and realize what’s going on. Now the Steins wake up and realize what’s going on. No one is happy.

“STOP FIGHTING!” Molly yells while holding what looks like a robot head – the vessel which holds the Rite of Blood girl’s spirit. Mrs. Wilder tries to calm Molly down, but as we’ve learned, Molly cannot be calmed down. Not now, not ever!

With super mutant strength, she smashes the box. A brilliant flash of white light blinds the room, then blasts out from the top of the vivarium, extending past the surface of the ocean and extending into the sky as a large column. Beachgoers are concerned, but not enough to harsh their buzz.

Oh great, and here come the Gibborim exactly fifteen seconds too late. “WHO DARES DESECRATE THE RITE OF THUNDER?” one says, not looking nearly as mad as his all-caps would indicate. Mr. Wilder tries to through Molly under the bus, but Alex stops him. “I’m not going to stand here and watch you get dressed down by your boss,” he says angrily, like he’s going to go up against some weird gods with nothing but his puny boner as a weapon.

So, the Gibborim immediately burns Alex into an ashen skeleton. Mr. Wilder, to say the least, is irked. To say the most, he’s devastated!

Way to suck, humans. We should have instead trusted antelopes. They’re a much more loyal species.

Everyone panics and tries to run out of the vivarium while Blasty McGibborim blasts fire around the room. The remaining surviving children run into the Leapfrog; Chase blasts them out through a wall that leads to the water. Nico worries that their parents have all died, and while Karolina tries to comfort her, a giant explosion rocks the whole vivarium. The Leapfrog gets launched to the beach. No one dies.

The kids leave the Leapfrog all in one piece. After a hearty “glad that’s over!” we get a final full-page spread of Captain Cunting America. “Excuse me,” he says, leering over them like a sex offender, “do you kids have a license to drive that thing?”