Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #9 – “Branded”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan and Green Arrow foil the death plants, and Mongul and his sister for that matter. It seems like everything is wrapped up in a pretty little bow. In fact, Hal Jordan makes it to his complete nerd of a nephew’s birthday party, and Green Arrow attempts to rekindle a relationship with his son.

If that’s not heartwarming, I don’t know what is. But don’t worry! Something will come around to majorly fuck things up very quickly. I can almost taste it.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #9 [April, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Branded”

Oh, I see. Per the cover art, Hal Jordan and Batman are going to begin a heated kissing match! A kissing match gone wrong??? I’m enticed!

In Gotham City, a businessman inexplicably runs away from both a saber-toothed tiger and a giant flaming skull with dragon wings. The man leaps onto a blimp – saved! Then he gets knocked off by the flaming skull – killed! The man falls to the street, his body creating a large crater in the cement.

“Don’t worry now… this won’t hurt a bit. You’re already dead,” says an enormous, jacked, heavily tattooed Black man with a tattoo gun ready to ink “insert penises here” onto his dead, fleshy buttocks.

While this nonsense happens, Hal Jordan asks a couple of Green Lantern bureaucrats for a personal power battery. A personal power battery! Do you know how much one of those costs, you little shit? Over $177,000,000! “Take it out of my next paycheck,” says Hal.

And everyone grumbles, because no one says “no” to Hal Jordan apparently, that’s for damn sure.

I’m supposed to know the name of this weird anteater alien, I’m sure. “I’m going to ignore my duties as Keeper of the Book of Oa and monitor of Green Lantern procedure and performance–” says this anteater, “–and I am going to speak to you as a friend who has known you since you first joined the Corps. You have been officially stripped of the label of Renegade by the Guardians.”

Oh boo hoo. Just because the news of getting infected by Parallax will spread like a… you know… an infection… doesn’t mean that Hal Jordan won’t get to do what he wants anyway. “The next time you’re on Oa, you might want to watch your back,” says Anteater McJones. Jordan doesn’t find this to be a new development. Ho hum and tally ho.

Back in Gotham City, the Batsignal blares in the sky while Batman works in his Batcave on his Batcomputer playing Batsolitaire and watching Batporno. Hal Jordan rudely infiltrates his lair and tells him that he shouldn’t work without a light.

That’s very funny, asshole. Ha ha hardy har. Your dad died in a plane crash.

“Green Arrow said you wanted to see me?” Jordan says. Batman grumbles. “How’s Alfred?” Jordan asks. Batman grumbles.

“Yesterday, witnesses said Lou Rosen was chased through the streets of Gotham by a saber-toothed tiger. He tried to escape by hopping a ride on a blimp. But a flying skull with… bat wings knocked him off,” Batman says even though I already said all these things myself. Don’t you read my blog, Batfucker?

Batman shows Jordan pictures of the body. A tattoo across his chest says “Weakness: Women”.

Reportedly, Rosen was having an affair. BUT, more importantly, Rosen was an account ready to turn state’s evidence against his boss Tobias Whale, and there was a price on his head. Tattooing the body is the hitman’s modus operandi. Batman shows additional photos of bodies with tattoos across the chest: “Weakness: Rude to Waiters.” “Weakness: Gambling.” “Weakness: Theft.” “Weakness: Reading comic books and writing about each and every single goddamn one on his blog that no one reads.”

“He calls himself the Tattooed Man.” Batman shows Jordan an enormous, jacked, heavily tattooed Black man wearing army fatigues, a helmet, and holding a gun. Jordan recognizes him as Abel Tarrant, a man trying to go straight after criming one too many times.

Well, Batman shows Jordan another photo of a man named Mark Richards. This particular enormous, jacked, heavily tattooed Black man wearing army fatigues, a helmet, and holding a gun went missing three years ago after a helicopter crash. His fellow soldiers were found dead and marked with tribal tattoos. Presumed dead until his greasy fingerprints were found at a crime scene a month ago.

Is the plot thickening yet. Seems loose like Superman’s stools.

Batporno waits for no man, Jordan. That’s Rule #1.

Jordan whines that he doesn’t even know this new tattooed man. Batman tells him to put the ring on, play happy superhero, and get a move on. Jordan tells Batman that the big, scary act won’t work on him. Batman cracks him across the face with the power of 1,000 Thor hammers.

Then they kiss and make up (in a kissing match gone wrong???) and hop in the Batmobile together. *Batman theme music plays at 200 decibels* Batman accelerates so fast that Jordan thumps his head on the side window, further diminishing his masculinity.

“Why are we driving, anyway? I could fly us there in half the time,” Jordan gripes.

“You glow,” Batman responds, fighting back the word “idiot”. “They’d see you a mile away.”

Anyway, when asked if Jordan has given any thought as to how he’ll bring the tattooed man in, Jordan smiles and says he’ll hit him really hard with a giant green boxing glove. Batman glares until Jordan’s penis shrivels up. “I’m kidding,” Jordan admits.

Gritting his teeth with utmost impatience, Batman tells Jordan that, basically, this guy’s tattoos can leap out and kill people. Get it together. No more people are gonna die. No more buildings are gonna fall. And, thirdly, no more people are gonna die. They need a strategy, not some idiot with a ring. God…

Elsewhere, Mr. Richards is finishing up another tattoo. “Job’s done, Tobias,” he says. “His sins will be grafted onto my skin like the others. And I’ll save his soul.”

Sounds dandy, weirdo. Tobias has another target for you: Harvey Dent. Weakness: Donuts. Bring your biggest gun.

When Tobias leaves, Richards peaks outside the window of his motel room where Hal Jordan is hovering like an incandescent green doofus. “Come out with your hands up and save yourself some trouble,” Jordan says like he’s the Police of Shit Village. Immediately, Richards sends his tattoos off to fight. Flying skulls, tigers, barbed wire, you name it. A tramp stamp that says “Juicy”. Jordan isn’t really holding his own, Green Lantern or not.

Hal Jordan, you seem to suffer from Lupus of the Ass. Your biggest Achilles’ Heel, as it were…

Richards senses a weakness in Hal Jordan, and we all saw this one coming: arrogance. And the tattoos sense great sin in him, this is why they’re more readily gnawing on him for a bit. And it’s not just any sin, there’s blood on his hands. “Your sins will be among my greatest designs – once you’re dead.”

Fashionably late, as usual, Batman pops out from the motel room’s shadows behind Richards. “Boo,” he says, looking as grisly and gruff as ever. This is the part where the art becomes inscrutable again as a fight ensues that is replete with swarming drawings and very green light.

“You think I’m just tattoos?” Richards says as lands on top of a car and growls masculinely. “And you think this is just a boot?” Batman retorts, using his regular ol’ boot to kick Richards in the throat. Richards gets right up in Batman’s face, claims that he isn’t bothered by pain, and bonks his head against him with a “BOK”. Batman’s nose starts bleeding, and if he doesn’t go to the hospital within two panels he will surely be dead as a doornail! Oh no!

Batman has sins too, you know. Plenty of sins. Sins to high heaven. Batman goes “eat shit” and clocks Richards so hard in the mug that he collapses in a heap of smelly tattoos. Hal Jordan is like “took long enough”. A buddy-comedy for the ages, this is.

Later, as they get out of the Batmobile after returning to Batman’s property, Hal Jordan wants to show Batman his ring. Batman isn’t interested. Jordan goes “come onnnnnn”. Batman begrudgingly accepts it, and Jordan tells him to clear his head and picture something. The ring glows, but nothing else happens. Nothing else happens except for Hal Jordan launching into a big soliloquy. “You and I are different,” he begins. “But we have something in common. We both watched something happen we couldn’t stop. Something we wanted to stop. The ring helped me overcome my greatest fear. It can help you overcome yours, too.”

You just made Batman mad, sir. “You need to think about that to get this to work? This is twisted.”

Jordan says he should have to actually think about it. You have to kind of forget it for a moment. Batman lifts the ring to his grimacing maw, tears running down his stupid face. “Remember when the Batman was born. Remember why,” Jordan says.

Batman suddenly hulks out, so to speak, in that he glows a putrid green and the Lantern symbol appears on his chest. “ARRGHGHH!!” he screams as the light fill all seven itchy holes of his body. “Take control of it,” Jordan says. “Put that horrible night behind you, Bruce.”

Batman continues screaming until a vision of his parents appears in the light before him. Quite young and dashing, this couple. Too bad they got a couple of bullets through the brainpan! Batman almost touches them before they disappear. “I don’t want to,” he says finally. “Not yet.”

And you never will.

“Thanks anyway,” he grumbles as he gives back the ring. Then he says, for what it’s worth, he’s glad Jordan is back.

Final Thoughts

DAAAWWWWW!! ISN’T THAT PRECIOUS!! Stay tuned for the next issue when Superman gives Hal Jordan a blowjob and Wonder Woman buys him one of those novelty singing fish plaques