Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #6! In the previous installment, Carol Danvers gets to hang out with her hero in 1961, when men were men and ladies who are really good at flying planes were discouraged from flying planes. But time travel fuckery continues to plague EARTH’S MIGHTIEST HERO, and now Captain Marvel and Helen Cobb find themselves present at the very moment an explosion imprints new powers upon EARTH’S MIGHTIEST HERO.

Explosion goes boom, and that’s no good for anyone at anytime anywhere. I’m actually curious to see how this plays out, and so are you. Or else.

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #6 [December, 2012]
Written by: Kelly Sue DeConnick

Tracy Burke, everyone’s favorite cancer patient, gets a visit from everyone’s favorite Spider-Woman, Jessica Drew! Burke thinks that Danvers sent Drew to torment her. Drew is tormented too, so Danvers tormented two birds with one stone.

“She all right?” asks Burke, who looks worse for wear (cancer).

“She’s still off the grid,” responds Drew. “We have an agreement. She doesn’t call. I feed her cat and look in on you.” Funny thing is, she prefers visiting the cat! Haw haw!

Anyway, Burke is asked how much time she has and the doctors had said a year, maybe two. Hmm. That’s not a lot of time! Drew will be sure to let the nurse know to wake her when Danvers shows up. If ever! Burke’s probably going to die before then (cancer).

Burke curls up in her sad blanket, waiting… waiting… waiting…

Meanwhile, in another place, in another time, Captain Marvel and Helen Cobb await among nearby rocks while they watch the part where Carol Danvers gets imprinted with superpowers due to an explosion. It’s not only exciting, it’s also exciting! Cobb looks like she’s going to throw up for a second, then laughs to herself. “Listen, kitten…I ain’t married, I got no kids, both my folks are dead and that jackass at NASA won’t give me my damn rocket on account of I’m a gal… time travel don’t sound so bad to me.”

They watch as some alien dipshit named Yon-Rogg stands over damsel-in-distress Danvers going “ha ha haaa”.

“THERE IS NO POWER THAT EQUALS THAT OF ONE WHO STANDS IN THE GLOW OF… THE PSYCHE-MAGNITRON!”

Helen Cobb laughs at this, too. She thinks this is all one big funny game. So, to catch everyone up with the story, the Psyche-Magnitron is a device that was buried here in Cobb’s future, on an island near Peru. That’s where the glowing time-travel scrap came from. But first Yon-Rogg creates the Mandroid.

See?

OK, Mandroid is conjured up. This is when Mar-Vell shows up to fight the alien and get exploded all over Danvers. Captain Marvel watches with furious concentration, feeling the impulse to stop it in its tracks even though she knows it’s futile. In fact, Cobb suggests changing it! She could stop this shit from happening and be normal again. Captain Marvel can, as Cobb puts it, find out what she’s really made of.

“What are you talking about?” Captain Marvel asks.

“Oh, come on, Carol! You’re dying to get in there and stop this. So do it! What the hell? Why not? Isn’t this why we’re here?”

It’s not that easy, lady. First of all, this is probably happenstance. The explosion scattered bits of that time-travel scrap around and this is just a random occurrence. Second of all, shut up.

While the fight goes on, Captain Marvel and Cobb have a little fight of their own.

“You put me in the plane,” Captain Marvel says, eyes narrowed. “Future you…”

“Maybe. Maybe I gave you a way out…” Cobb says, narrowing her own eyes. “Maybe I gave you a gift.”

Cobb really wants Captain Marvel to step in and save herself. But she doesn’t do it. She knows she’s not going to change a single thing. Whatever happened happened, and all that. What she does do, once Yon-Rogg blasts Mar-Vell and sends him flying, is intervene to help Mar-Vell while he bleeds out and croaks. Meanwhile, damsel-in-distress Danvers picks up a gun and aims it at Yon-Rogg, who doesn’t seem too worried about it. Especially since the Magnitron is humming, on its way to explodey time.

Now Captain Marvel, obviously tired of helping Mar-Vell, decides to try to look for Cobb. Also, maybe she should stop the explosion so that she can stop the time hopping? Come on, man. Make up your mind.

WHOOPS, LOL, TOO LATE

Here’s what happens: Mar-Vell holds damsel-in-distress Danvers while Captain Marvel holds Helen Cobb. Obviously, Danvers gets the powers. But also…

*INSERT IMAGE OF COBB FLOATING AROUND WITH CAPTAIN MARVEL POWERS ALL SMUG*

Helen Cobb, you rascal! “Did you… did you orchestrate all this to take my place?” Captain Marvel asks in complete disbelief. And Cobb doesn’t know! Captain Marvel’s the one from the future, after all. She would know better, right? “If I did, then maybe I did it to teach you a lesson. Maybe I did you a favor.”

Captain Marvel breathes heavily with wild “fuck this” energy and takes a swing at Cobb. THRAKK, right in the fuckin’ face! WOOP WOOP WOOP! But Helen just smiles.

“Way I figure, the timeline prob’ly has to correct itself to keep things in order. Fifty-fifty chance I’m the one to stick around… and you go poof.”

They continue kicking each other’s asses among the rubble a bit until the unmistakable hum of a T6 plane roars overhead. “MY PLANE…” they both say in unison.

“That’s it,” Captain Marvel thinks. “Helen’s plane is the key. Every time there’s been a jump, I’ve seen the plane. The plane is collecting the Magnitron shrapnel… the plane is the time machine.”

No shit.

So this is where things get even more dire. Both Captain Marvel and Cobb zoom off in the air chasing after it while continuing to put fists in each other’s faces. Eventually, after a tense few pages, Captain Marvel wins and boards the cockpit, leaving Cobb out. Cobb isn’t mad. Cobb is proud. She asks Captain Marvel to do them both proud.

No, Helen! Think of all the snide, sarcastic comments you have left to make in this world! NOOOOOO!!!

Cobb lets go of the plane and disappears. Captain Marvel finds herself listening to a radio transmission from ground control. She looks dazed for a second, then asks how long she’s been gone. “4 days, Colonel. 4 long days.”

Curious, Captain Marvel asks how high her altitude was before she went poof. Ground control confirms a number that was just shy of Cobb’s record. Ah well.

EPILOGUE! Mount Sinai hospital, where Tracy Burke is dying of dang ol’ cancer. She’s ready to roll into some fun surgery, and thank God Almighty Christ on a Cracker that Danvers showed up at the last minute to say “hey”. She promises Burke that she can sock her right in the face as hard as she can once she’s out of surgery. That’s a good deal, I wouldn’t pass it up!

And Tracy Burke won’t pass it up. She can’t wait.

She can’t wait.

Final Thoughts

And that’s a wrap, folks! Next time, Carol Danvers will steal all of Tracy Burke’s medicinal weed so look forward to that in Issue #7! Am I serious?? Maybe you’re the high one!