Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5- “Most Wanted (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Gwen has a little heart-to-heart with herself and tries to get over feeling guilty about Peter Parker’s death, about her dad, about Spider-Woman in general. She even talked to Aunt May about all this. It was sappy and insufferable. But, eventually, Gwen grabs a pair of drumsticks and joins the Mary Janes for their next show.

This series is a big warm bowl of nothing. I’m looking forward to it being over! Life is too short for mediocre comics, but first, let me write another 1,500 words about it.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [August, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

Matt Murdock’s tough-looking 5’2” bald assistant hands him an envelope. By the way, that thief? The security cameras didn’t catch anything. There is no evidence of his/her identity.

But Murdock knows who it was. Oh ho ho, who would mock the Kingpin so? The Black Cat, that’s who. Felicia Hardy. Meow.

The envelope contains VIP floor tickets to her show: Felicia Hardy and the Black Cats. Meanwhile, the Mary Janes see Hardy’s band advertised on the venue’s marquee. “What the hell does Felicia Play? Air guitar?” Glory gripes. MJ tells her not to take this personally. It’s not like she did it to directly compete the Mary Janes or anything like that. *wink*

“That ‘innocent’ little pop tart used to act like sharing a stage with us was visiting a leper colony,” Glory continues. “We’re here so she can spike her heels into our skulls on the climb to stardom. She’s laughing at us, Em Jay!””

The devil autotuning his farts sounds like just the kind of avantgarde noise rock that I can get behind.

“This isn’t about money or fame,” MJ argues. “It’s not about ‘selling out’– It’s about survival, ladies. The fleeting chance to keep doing what we love is right here in our hands. So no, I don’t care why she really wants us here. All I know is that she’s giving us an inch – and we’re gonna take a mile.”

You go, gurl! Take what’s yours! Fuck Black Cat and her motivations! Use it to your advantage! And so on and so forth.

While the Mary Janes set up on the stage, Black Cat stalks in the upper level relishing the scene. The Mary Janes are here. Matt Murdock is on the VIP floor. Everything is going “according” to “plan”. World-renowned international mega-thief extraordinaire Le Chat Noir (masculine, for some reason) is on the prowl again!

And here’s how Black Cat foiled the Kingpin: she stole the very first dollar that he ever earned, and that’s some priceless, priceless shit. Kingpin asked Matt Murdock to prove himself by getting it back, and that’s exactly what he intends to do.

The Mary Janes scream their way through a song until Black Cat prances onto the stage, interrupting and ruining their set. She and MJ exchange icy salutations while Glory groans exasperatedly.

“BONJOUR, NEW YORK CITY!” Black Cat yells to the audience. “I AM FELICIA HARDY! AND THESE ARE MY BLACK CATS!” She motions toward her backing band, all dressed as cats wearing French striped shirts. The Mary Janes marvel at the showmanship.

“Tonight we are here together,” says Black Cat. “All of us gathered knowing that this moment – that any moment – could be our last. And yet… still we dance!”

Matt Murdock is in the audience all like “bring it, bitch.” And then, out of nowhere, ninjas pop onto the stage and start throwing ninja stars at the Black Cats. The Mary Janes flop to the floor, you know, as a defensive tactic. Gwen has a look of “I gotta go be Spider-Gwen” on her face.

All the while, inscrutable shit is happening.

Just another normal Daft Punk show, nothing to see here.

Matt Murdock saunters up to the stage, unperturbed by the happenstances. Maybe because the man is a blind fuck and can’t see the carnage. “I’ll give you this, Felicia. Whatever it is, you have it. You Hardys always have. You’ve always known how to burn out before you fade away.”

Felicia is like “yeah, the ninjas were unexpected.” After the tussle dies down, she and Murdock seem to have the floor all to themselves. And they’re about to fight until Spider-Woman pops in to say the most asinine thing I’ve ever read in a comic book thus far.

I’ve got nothing to say. This has rendered me speechless.

Actually, two panels later Spider-Gwen says “Pajama Friday erry damn day, yo!” so she outdoes herself immediately. “I tell you, Ms. Hardy, I thought my life was weird lately. But theme park mascots playing keytars. Ninjas and creepy blind lawyers – your life is one mime short of a Bjork video.”

She thwips all the Black Cats and all the ninjas, wrapping their torsos with webby webs and pinning their arms. Hardy tries to retaliate, but Murdock reminds her that it’s bad luck to murder her guests. She doesn’t care, though, and she’s not going to listen to the lawyer who murdered her father (!). She’s going to murder that guy and pluck out his useless eyeballs. But first, she needs to make short work of that pesky Spider-Woman-Gwen.

So they fight. But even “fight” is a generous word, since all it takes is one punch to knock out Hardy. All the while, Spider-Gwen is as confused as I am about the outburst that Murdock murdered her father (!). After Hardy gets knocked out, Murdock approaches Gwenny and smiles smugly at her. “What is this?!” Spider-Gwen yells. “These are your men?! You work for the Kingpin. Protect him. Do his dirty work. It was you that sent those men to get revenge on Captain Stacy.” And Murdock just keeps SMILING and SMILING. “…a bit reductive as motivations go, don’t you think?”

But yes.

And he also sent the Vulture and that Aleksei guy after him too. Him and Spider-Woman. “I’ve been watching you, Spider-Woman. I’ve seen who you really are. Word of advice, little spider – grip too tightly to what other people expect of you. And in the end… you’ll have nothing left to hold.”

Smug prick. Tell him to describe yellow. That’s his Achilles’ Heel!

EPILOGUE. Captain Stacy stares at a picture of himself and Gwen and thinks out loud to his late wife. “…I’m so glad you can’t see the mess I’ve made.”

DeWolff pops in at his house just to sneer at him and tell him that it’s “just like him to be the last man standing”. He tells her to bug off. This whole case has infiltrated his home and family. He begs her to let it rest for just one night.

Nothing doing. “I’m not here to put you on trial. I’m here because no matter how it shakes out – no matter what comes next – or what Castle thinks… no matter what’s going on or what you’re into… I know deep down you’re a good cop. A good man. So just watch your back, ok?”

No such thing as a good cop. ACAB!

Final Thoughts

What a vapid shithole of a series! Never again!

Except Spider-Gwen continues in All New, All Different Marvel, so I’ll probably be hitting it up soon enough. Let’s see who runs that series… … …JASON LATOUR? Aw, fuck.