Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New Wolverine (Vol. 1), Issue #6! In the previous installment, Laura Kinney enlists the help of Janet Van Der Snoot (aka the Wasp) for the purposes of shrinking down and beatin’ up nanites in Zelda’s brain. It’s all for naught, because Captain Mooney shoots her dead anyway, rendering the issue pointless.

Another Sister has been killed, so now the clones are doing to pull out all the stops to get their revenge. It’s Chinatown, baby.

All-New Wolverine (Vol. 1), Issue #6 [May, 2016]
Written by: Tom Taylor

A car trespasses upon the location of the Alchemax super secret underground bunker. Personnel with automatic rifles points them at the car all “COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!” The car keeps moving forward. One guy is like “I MEAN IT, OH DEAR GOD DO I EVER MEAN IT!” The car keeps moving forward, then stops. The passenger door opens and an injured Captain Mooney thumps out of it to the ground like a fat boulder of shit.

Later, in the infirmary, he tells Robert Chandler that he killed a Sister, but Wolverine and Wasp served his butt on a butt-shaped platter. Chandler sighs and leaves the room, pointing out that Wolverine obviously let Mooney go since he’s still alive and whatnot. Now she’s going to hunt Mooney down, so get the fuck out of their Hitler bunker before she bombs it with bombs.

Too late. Wolverine and her gang have found the facility. The bunker has only one entrance, which means it only has one escape route. Wolverine hands her sisters some guns from an armored tank. “Non-lethal shots for the guards. Legs. Arms. Non-vital parts. Hurt them. Incapacitate them. Try not to kill.”

Aim for the dick. Got it.

“Let’s go,” says Wolverine as the other two don their masks and stand at the ready. It makes a kickass panel that I should post here, but I won’t! Oh well!

They barrel down the facility in their armored car, which causes the guards to open fire all sorts of RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT-TAT. Nothing works until the buff, shirtless Mooney fires a rocket launcher at it, blowing it to cinders. “Make sure Wolverine is down,” he says to the guards, but they find no one in the car.

That’s because the Sisters were behind the car ready to jump out from behind the car and open fire on the guards! Now there’s a panel!

See? I almost wasted this space on some other bullshit.

Bellona is so mad at Mooney that she abandons the original plan and chases after him with her gun. A guard shoots Bellona in the side of the head. This = Dead Bellona. The best Sister. Gabby is distraught, but Wolverine tells her to keep moving before she gets killed too.

Deep underground, the guards have dragged Bellona to the infirmary where Scientist Doctor #1 wants to find the cause of death. “She has, like, twenty-five bullet holes in her,” Scientist Doctor #2 points out. But no, Chandler wants to know exactly what killed her. Nanites, remember?

Right before the first incision is made in the corpse, Scientist Doctor Surgeon Professor #2 looks closer at Bellona’s white hair. “Hmmm. This is weird,” he says before tugging on the hair, revealing a wig hiding her real dark hair. Bellona opens her eyes and SNIKTs! Is this Bellona or not? What’s going on?

The Scientist Geneticist Zoologists cower in the corner and explain that not all the scientists died in the blast. Just the senior scientists, the ones who understood everything. These two don’t understand anything, no sir! Just a couple’a rubes!

Bellona(?) snips a square off of one of the geneticist’s lab coat and sniffs it. “I have your scent now. I will always be able to find you. Do you believe me?” she says. It sounds like bullshit to me! But the geneticists believe her, and they get the option to either a) right their wrongs, or b) go down with the ship. The geneticists opt for Option A, so Bellona(?) asks for all their information, data, files, footage, notes, scrawlings, cave paintings, and microfilm that shows what they did to the Sisters, how they treated them during captivity, how the nanites are killing them, and, if you have time, when they took their sexy showers.

Bellona(?) (who turns out the be Kinney—she and Bellona swapped uniforms somehow at some point and who cares) leaves the room and deliberately sets off the alarm, sending all the guards into the facility where she takes them all down in half a panel. She lets the other two Sisters into the facility through the steel door. She reports that the scientists are uploading all their information and sending it to WolverinesRUs@gmail.co.fr tout suite. Then she calls Maria Hill to tell her about what they all did and where she can find them. Everything has wrapped up nicely.

Final Thoughts

Oh wait, we’re only half done!

It’s the newest fashion! You can get them at Abercrombie & Fitch.

Wolverine overhears soft footsteps. Mooney is coming. Time to kill a bitch. Wolverine is in charge of finding Chandler while the other two go tear Mooney a new b-hole. They do a pretty good job smacking him around, wailing about how he hurt them and how they wouldn’t be capable of kicking his ass if it weren’t for him, ironically. “If you didn’t hate us so much for all those years in our cage, maybe we would have just walked away. Bellona aims her gun at Mooney’s face and tells Gabby to wait around the corner. “I don’t want you to see this.”

BLAM BLAM

Mission accomplished! Time to go their separate ways! Bellona says goodbye and Gabby says “wait, huh?” Then Bellona’s all like “yeah”, so Gabby is like “Will I see you again?” and Bellona is like “not really.” Then they hug it out.

Meanwhile, Robert Chandler is trying to pack up all his stuff and get the hell out of dodge, but Wolverine enters the room. “You don’t get to walk away from this, Chandler,” she says, and Chandler says “Could you be any more wrong?” Ha! Good joke, Tom.

“What we’re working on here is worth a lot of money to a lot of powerful people. The ends will be seen to justify the means. Of course I get to walk away.”

“I don’t think you understand,” Wolverine says, then she claws the back of his knees. Chandler screams and tumbles to the floor. “See, you can’t walk away without hamstrings.”

Chandler puts on his “oh shit” face and attempts to drag his feeble little body away until Wolverine steps on his face with her giant boot. “Right now, I own you. What happens to you is entirely up to me. You’re not a person. You’re my property.” She brings a razor sharp claw within in a centimeter of his eyeball and tells him that now he knows how it feels.

Gabby interrupts the happy moment to tell Wolverine that S.H.I.E.L.D. is on their way. Wolverine tells her, good, they can question Chandler for the next 56 hours.

“Where’s Bellona?” asks Wolverine.

“She’s gone.”

“Gone where?”

“Just… gone. Can we leave it at that for now?”

Eat my metal middle finger, Baldy.

Before they go, Gabby wants to speak with Chandler alone. “I really want to hurt you,” she says to the sweating man. “But Wolverine wants me to be a good person. Zelda wanted me to be a good person, too. Despite everything you did to us, I want to be a good person.”

Then she almost stabs him in the eyeball. “But I want you to know… this is how close you came.”

Then she leaves the room while Chandler lies there, bleeds out, turns into a desiccated corpse, and skeletonizes all before 60 Minutes comes on TV that night.

With Gabby’s task completed, Wolverine tells her that they should probably leave before the feds come. Besides the nanites, Gabby is now a free woman. And when asked if she killed Chandler (no, unfortunately), Wolverine calls her the worst at what they all designed her to be! Backhanded compliment, but hey! Beggars can’t be choosers.

Later, Bellona is in a helicopter with an unknown person. She is told that Robert Chandler will spend the rest of his life in prison—Alchemax is done. “They stole from me, and now they’re gone,” says the unknown figure. “There’s nothing better than a well-planned revenge. Regardless, I delivered. I took out the lab. I freed you and your sisters. I gave you the means to hurt them. You took them down. So, you deliver your end now. I get the tech inside you.”

The woman in the helicopter with her is a smiling, smug Kimura. I’m supposed to know who Kimura is, but I don’t. Therefore, this story ends on a very underwhelming note! Good job, Marvel.

Final Thoughts

OK, according to the Online Marvel Wiki Nerd Page, Kimura is X-23’s handler. She pulled the puppet strings, abused her, bullied her, and even took a shit on her face!

Still underwhelming. I could kick this lady’s ass right now. Just let me at her.