Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “The Underneath (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Underneath storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “The Underneath (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones comes home after a long day of bustin’ convenience store robbers to find a teenage girl dressed as Spider-Man in her bathroom. After a quick, perplexing getaway, Jones calls Scott “Ant-Man” “Paul Rudd” Lang to help, but really she just wants to fuck him. So it goes.

Jones learns that the girl is named Mattie Franklin, and J. Jonah Jameson just might have some insight as to who she is… eh?… eh?… Read on, gentle reader. Maybe it’s his teenage lover. He’s into that kind of thing, you know.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #17 [March, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Underneath (Part 2)”

Scott Lang is fucking Jessica Jones doggystyle. It’s not very graphic, but you can at least see that much. He’s all panting and sweating, and she’s not even close to into it. “Can we stop?” she says while he grunts like Tim the Tool Man Taylor. Scott asks if he did anything wrong, and other than everything, she says it’s nothing. “It’s me, it’s not you.” The oldest line in the book. She slumps onto her pillow, leaving Scott’s boner sad and unsatisfied.

“I shouldn’t have come over tonight,” she says while Scott cries and pours out a little liquor for his dead boner. “I’m just in a shit mood.”

Scott tries to get Jones to talk, but she clams up. “I told you before… I’m genuinely interested in your job,” he goads. “Did you go talk to that J. Jonah dickface?” Yes, she did. And she recounts the whole dang tale…

They sit in his limo quietly, which is weird because Jameson loves hearing the sound of his own whiny voice. As more and more silence creeps by, Jones becomes increasingly aware of how little she wants to spend time with this, and I quote, “piece of garbage”. He’s everything that’s wrong with American journalism. She oughta punch him in the kisser. She oughta–

“The thing is, Mr. Jameson, as I said, I don’t know the story between you and this girl. All I know is that she was staying with you and your wife. And that she dresses like Spider-Man and it looks like she has some kind of abilities to back it up.” Also, the home invasion. Also, she seemed strung out. Also, she took a big shit on Jessica Jones’–

Money and pussy. It makes the world go ‘round. And hamburgers.

“Where is she now?” Jameson interrupts. And he asks again when Jones says she doesn’t know. “To come here like this and dangle that girl over my head. She’s just a child. You people are all the same.” He points a poop-smeared accusatory finger at her. “Preying on people’s fears and hopes. You piece of trash.”

Jameson continues ranting while Jones kind of makes a sleepy annoyed face. He smells a scam, and he’s going to get to the bottom of it come hell or high water! And if something happens to the girl, then Jones is going to answer for it. He’ll make damn sure of that, boy howdy!

Jameson kicks her out of the car after threatening her no less than three times to return the girl or else. Jones walks down the streets of New York in the rain with her head hung down like Charlie Brown. “So… basically… that blew up in my face.”

Going to the cops wasn’t an option because cops suck, so now we’re at square one. Jones regrets not going to the cops, but, again, cops suck, so it would have been hella futile. Anyway, no more fucking for you tonight, Joy Boy. Beat it.

The next morning, Jessica Jones sits at her desk with a cigarette poring over her laptop. Wearing her private investigator hat, she peruses any info she already has on the girl. Mattie Franklin. Lived with Jameson. Her S.H.I.E.L.D. file names Jessica Drew – Spider-Woman – as an associate. There’s also Madame Web, whoever the fuck that is. Even Jones doesn’t know, and she’s supposed to know all the Marvel people for me.

Gargle my balls.

Jones does a search for Jessica Drew and calls the very first number that pops up in the results, which looks like a very real number to me. If you prank call that number, don’t bring me into that shit. Anyway, the outgoing voicemail message tells Jones that Jessica Drew fucked off to Istanbul for a month, so leave a message. Jones calls her cell phone and leaves a message about Mattie Franklin and how she needs help finding her. Thanks and bye.

She stares at the computer, having completely exhausted all her idea. Oh well. Time for a sandwich.

Remember Malcolm? I barely do! He’s a teenage nerd who is obsessed with Jones and he pops into her office every two days. This time he shows up to ask if she knows Captain America. “What do you think about him coming out?” Malcolm asks, and not in a gay way. He revealed his secret identity recently! Isn’t that fucked up? “Don’t you have parents or homework?” Jones asks him, clearly and visibly perturbed. Malcolm continues to say that Jessica Jones outed herself first and Captain America is just a copycat. Jones calls him irritating and asks him to leave.

“Malcolm. I gotta work.”

“Can I help?”

“No.”

“This — you should know this – I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of stupid shit. Plus, I’m a real gung-ho guy. You are wasting my obvious talents.”

I can hear this kid creaming his pants through my computer screen.

Jones facepalms and then gives in, much to Malcolm’s surprise. She asks him if he knows Spider-Woman (he knows three). We’re talking the one his age. Find her and try not to hit on her. Or find someone who knows her. Or find someone who knows someone who knows her. Anyway, come up with something by 5pm or it’s Fist-to-Face City.

Malcolm asks for a job if he finds her for Jones. Jones begrudgingly agrees. The kid could really prove to be helpful, you know? She pays in Cool Ranch Doritos from the vending machine.

The kid books it, obviously hard as a rock at the prospect of sleuthing around with Jessica Jones! Jones gets back to her work. Her phone rings and it’s Madame Web. She wants to meet jones that night at 7. Here’s her address. Thanks and bye.

Well, that was convenient.

Jessica Jones shows up at 7:12, fashionably late as usual. Madame Web’s assistant, Tina, welcomes her into the apartment. Then she leads her to the roof, where Madame Web sits shrouded in darkness like a very mysterious so-and-so. Webby thanks Jones for being late, because she foresaw the lateness and that means that her powers aren’t on the fritz. “Lately my abilities have betrayed me… the last few weeks have not been my best.”

They have a friendly chit-chat. You know, the usual topics. Movies. Boys. Mattie Franklin. Web knows that Jones saw her name in Mattie’s file. Guess what? Web is trying to find her, too. “I fear she is in terrible trouble… I have not heard from her in quite a while and I cannot see her in the astral plane.” Also, Webster can’t see the girl’s futures. This, quite certainly, is the most terrifying part of the disappearance.

Speaking of futures, Web sees Mattie in Jones’ future. This is most exciting! OK, let’s try this… Web sees darkness. In pain among strobing lights. She is dancing in a nightclub. Jones is angry with her, so she starts a fight. Oh god, she kills her! She kills Mattie with fists of fury! Then you get killed by someone! Then you kill another! Oh the humanity! That’ll be $5.

“Kill her? What are you talking about?” Jones says, throwing up her hands. “I don’t understand.”

Believe it, sister. Also, Web changes the subject on a dime and, after invading Jones’ mind, feels sorry for what happened in her past. Jones gets mad at this intrusion and gives her a piece of her mind!