Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #18 – “The Underneath (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones meets up with J. Jonah Jameson who is like “RAGGH RAAGGH RRAGGH, WHERE’S MATTIE? GIVE HER BACK” and then she speaks to Malcolm the Teenage Loser who is like “RAGGH RAAGGH RRAGGH I’LL HELP YOU FIND MATTIE!” and then she speaks to Madame Web who is like “RAGGH RAAGGH RRAGGH WE NEED TO FIND MATTIE!”

Meanwhile I’m like “RAGGH RAAGGH RRAGGH WHO CARES?” and I go watch Snoopy cartoons with my two Excellent daughters.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #18 [April, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Underneath (Part 3)”

We pick up right where we left off: Scott asking Jones what Madame Web made her see. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she says. Scott asks if she was raped and she says “No!!” and calls it such a guy thing to ask. Scott’s like “a-bluhb-bluhb-bluhb” while Jones gets out of bed and prepares to go home. Scott’s like “a-bloo-bloo-bloo” and struggles to talk her out of leaving. It’s cold and wet outside! There are snakes and thieves! Please don’t leave, oh please oh please!

“I just want to point out that you were telling a story! You told me this psychic read your thoughts and found something horrible. You told me all that. You did. All I did was try to continue the conversation and you are wigging out.”

SLAM! That’s the sound of Scott’s head getting thunked against the bedside table. Just kidding! It’s the door.

Jessica Jones returns to her apartment where she warns anyone who may be trespassing that she’s a former superhero and she will break necks if she needs to. Whilst grabbing a cigarette or two, she sees an open bathroom door. “I’m just going to have to fucking move,” she whispers to herself as she grabs some grub out of the ol’ fridge.

Her phone rings. A woman leaves a message on the answering machine, frantically trying to get Jones to pick up the phone. “Fuck you, Carol,” Jones says to the voice.

Scott Lang is old news, sister. They don’t call him “Ant-Man” for nothing, you know. Check the penis.

Carol Danvers doesn’t read the room very well, mostly because she’s not actually in the room to begin with! Nevertheless, Jones ignores Carol and slumps on her couch, forgetting to set an alarm and scrambling to get ready for work in the morning. A real paying job! A bodyguard for Matt fuckin’ Murdock. Ever heard of him? “The tabloids outed him as Daredevil. Can you believe that shit? They just outed him. ‘The man without fear’ outed as a blind Hell’s Kitchen lawyer.”

So what? Who cares? I certainly don’t. I’ve moved on!

Anyway, Murdock is fighting and suing everyone and requires bodyguards like tall, muscular Luke Cage and small, not-so-muscular Jessica Jones to hang around the office and walk him to work. Or maybe he’s just blind and needs other people’s eyeballs! But what really happens is that they keep the media out of Murdock’s face. She hates taking his money, but she needs his money. That’s the long and short of it.

“The only thing that really irritates me about this gig is that any asshole with two eyes can see that he really is Daredevil – and that I’m just here for show.” And she hates that Murdock probably told Luke Cage that he’s Daredevil, but he never actually told Jessica Jones straight-on. She gets her petty revenge by waiting at the stairs outside his house. She never knocks. She also smokes around him “just to be a bitch.”

This particular day they do a little walk-and-talk, Sorkin-style! He hasn’t seen her in a couple of days. She’s been shooting the shit with J. Jonah Jameson about Spider Girls and — “Jameson had a superhero girl living in his house?” Murdock asks – then Jameson fucking flips out at her about it. Jones basically tells him everything that we the readers already know about the situation at hand. After telling Murdock that Jameson threatened her, Murdock agrees to call Jameson and be like “don’t do that anymore, you big greasy honky.”

A woman named Tara Woods from the local news tries to steamroll Murdock and Jones with questions, but neither of them are having it. It doesn’t matter anyway, because by the time Jones gets back to her building they are interrupted by Malcolm the Nerd and his friend Laney, who are trying to grind the staircase handrails with skateboards. “What the FUCK are you doing?” Jones yells, scolding Malcolm for once again stalking her place of business. The scolding is short-lived, because Malcolm did what Jones asked him to do: find a person who knows or saw Spider-Woman. That’s Laney for ya!

Excuse me while I pull the monocle out of my glass of champagne.

Jones interrogates Laney in her office. “So my brother thinks he’s a hot shit. Basically. He thinks he’s going to be, like, the next Kingpin. Or something. But in reality, he’s a fucking junkie and drug dealer.”

Smiling amusedly, Jones asks for more information about her brother. His name is Denny and his skinny ass will be in prison within a year! The dude is making bank, yo. New car, new clothes. Maybe he’s selling heroin? Who knows. Anyway, he’s fucking Spider-Woman. Laney met her once at the mall. She looked like she was on drugs.

Anyway, Denny partnered up with a Lithuanian dude named Ivan who had a superhero girlfriend, which is why Denny wanted one too. He doesn’t live at home anymore, and it’s likely that Mattie Franklin is in his condo or whatever all strung out. Laney doesn’t have an address, but she knows that Denny hangs out at Club 616.

Malcolm is like “Fuck yeah, Jessica muthafuckin’ Jones! Give me a job!”

After ignoring the little bastard, Jones shoos them both out of her office and prepares to check out Club 616. It’s nighttime now, and there’s a long line of schmoes waiting to get in. The bouncer bounces Jones even though she’s semi-attractive and semi-looking for a good time. She tries to play the superhero card, but since she wasn’t an Avenger it’s nothing doing. Back behind the ropes, sister.

Don’t worry, dear readers! Jessica Jones has an ace up her sleeve! Here’s what she does: she goes home and dresses really slutty and kinky. It works! Into Club 616 she goes.

The backroom where all the sex is happening? Please say it ain’t so!

Knowing that the ladies’ room is the best place for gossip, Jones slinks on in and listens to everyone – and there are about a dozen of them – talk amongst themselves about banal topics such as fake titties and ugly one-night stands. Jones stands there with a scowl on her face.

“Any of you know a guy named Denny?” she interrupts. “Skinny Russian guy, great car?” One of the women implies that Denny has a big dick. She knows him and can introduce him to Jones right away. He lives in the club like a sleaze and he’s in the back, so be cool and freshen up that ol’ pussy.

The backroom has a douchebag flappin’ his trap about shaking someone down for money while a guy on a couch barely listens. A girl in a Spider-Woman costume is passed out with her head in his lap. He and Jessica Jones exchange looks.

Looks like we’re going to get to the bottom of this, eh?! Eh?! Ha!

Final Thoughts

I don’t have any final thoughts on this. We’re just getting started! Although I will say that Jessica Jones getting all dolled up is quite– No. I will not stoop to crassness! Not today!