Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #9! In the previous installment, Ms. Marvel is tasked by Captain Marvel to help a group of teens spearhead a crime-busting movement that involves busting the crime before it even happens! Ms. Marvel is caught within a morality issue that Captain Marvel, her hero, is condoning. This could end in a brass-knuckled fist fight. Just metal hitting teeth at 50 mph. It’s going to be brutal fun! Stay tuned!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #9 [September, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson

Sixteen-and-a-half years ago, in Karachi, Kamala’s mother slumps pregnantly on a balcony overlooking the neighborhood. Aamir, likely six years old or something, has stayed up all night watching “Powder-Poof Girls” to practice his English in preparation for the move to New Jersey. The kid is very excited to move and live for another 16.5 years jobless.

Muneeba’s mother comes out with a couple of mugs of tea. Muneeba is worried about losing their sense of Pakistani culture, especially with Aamir being so young. And the new baby? She’ll know nothing but video games and Captain America! What the fuck is that? Muneeba wants to stay!

Muneeba’s mother is like “look, bitch, travelling is in your blood. Why, her own mother walked from Mumbai to Karachi with no shoes while pregnant and carrying a 60” television on her back during Partition. Surely you can board a plane, whiner.

To help her feel better, Muneeba’s mother gives her those fancy bangles that we keep seeing get passed down from generation to generation. “Oh, Ammi… they’re so old-fashioned,” Muneeba gripes. Her mother is like “fine, pass them down to your own daughter then, you ungrateful snob.” Muneeba wonders if there’s something more to them than meets the eye. Her mother agrees. She’s always had this nagging feeling like there’s some secret strength they carry, waiting to appear…

*opening credits, Happy Days music blares*

We cut to the scene already in progress: Ms. Marvel in Josh’s house. He asks her what the ever-loving fuck she’s doing in his smelly bedroom. The rest of the Pre-Crime stoppers rush into the room and tackle Josh to the floor. “Joshua Richardson, we’re detaining you to prevent to the crime you are about to commit,” says Jonah, bending his arm behind his back cop-style. Ms. Marvel urges everyone to slow down and take a deep breath before someone gets a knee on their neck. Heather confiscates the laptop. “You’re planning to cause a power surge in the electrical grid at Coles Academic High School at 9:55am tomorrow morning,” says Becky. “A fire will break out. There will be casualities.”

Josh is like “slow your roll, bruh” but doesn’t really deny it either, much to Ms. Marvel’s chagrin. His parents burst into the room like Kramer going “MUH SON, DON’T TAKE MUH SON” but Josh is like “yeah, they’re gonna take me. Sorry.”

Nice crotch shot. What is this? A Batman comic book cover?

Becky tases the kid in the nutsack. He says “ACK!” like Cathy and collapses. Josh’s parents cry in each other’s arms. Ms. Marvel slumps on the stairs conflicted and dejected. “It was supposed to be glorious,” she thinks. “But it isn’t. And I don’t know how to fix it. But I know someone who can.”

She immediately visits Captain Marvel in low Earth orbit, somehow. Captain asks Ms. what the hell she’s doing in space like some sort of space woman. Ms. Marvel lays out the whole situation, says that she personally knows the kid who is going to melt down his school but hasn’t even done it yet.

“This was never going to be easy or simple, kiddo,” Captain Marvel says, placing a hand on Ms. Marvel’s shoulder. Squeezing it in a death grip. Knocking her unconscious. Just kidding. Or am I? “And I’m sorry your friend is in trouble, but if we only hold people we don’t like accountable, we’re not on the side of justice. You have to be strong now. Do what’s right even if it hurts.”

Ms. Marvel tells her that Becky brandished a taser, and Captain Marvel is like “Yeah, that’s not cool. Keep them in line, idiot. That’s your job. What’s the matter, sister? Can’t handle it?”

Captain Marvel turns her back to the kid and dismisses her. Ms. Marvel folds her arms and looks at her mentor with skepticism.

You want to go to Canada? Get in line, pal! This country blows!

Later that day, in a warehouse on the waterfront, Becky and the Cadets are dressed like Nazi soldiers as they walk up and down rows of windowed cells full of bad guys who haven’t even committed the crimes yet that they were thinking about committing.

Marco goes to Becky and tells her they may have a problem. “The press suspects we’ve been lying about having the authority to detain people here,” he says, brows furrowed. Becky’s idea is to throw the press Hijinx if they come snooping around. But Josh, whose face is masked like Hannibal Lecter, poses a threat until 10am the next morning! Keep him detained.

Bruno, Nakia, and Zoe, who somehow know that Josh is at this particular waterfront warehouse, burst in and demand to see Josh. He’s being held illegally!

“Zoe?!” yells Josh incredulously.

“Don’t ‘Zoe’ me! Were you seriously planning to fry the school’s power grid because I broke up with you?! What kind of demented sicko logic is that?!”

Zoe tells Becky that her mom’s a bigshot lawyer and her dad’s a bigshot city council member, so get that kid out of that cell now before she gets subpoenaed and/or city council’d! Becky acquiesces, but only for five minutes. Then he’s back in there shitting in the corner of the cell like the little rat that he is.

Josh tries to defend himself to Zoe by saying that he didn’t want anyone to get hurt, he just wanted to show people how much he’s hurting by bursting like a destructive geyser of toxic masculinity. “I never wanted to burn down the school. I just wanted to scare people,” he argues. A real winner, this kid.

Well, Zoe empathizes more than any rational teenage girl should over this. She tells him that their breakup had nothing to do with him in particular. She was just all oogly-googly in the head, you know? “The whole world almost ending thing made me think about a bunch of stuff. I realized I had to be honest about some things.”

Then she admits that she’s a lesbian with a crush on Nakia. Surprise!

If by “extralegally” you mean “very legally”, which is definitely the definition based on common sense, then yes!

Meanwhile, outside the warehouse, Ms. Marvel gets mobbed by the media. And by that I mean one correspondent and one camera. Ms. Marvel tells them to hold their respective horses and let her sort some shit out. She promises she’ll have plenty to say after a moment and, furthermore, w– *closes warehouse door on them*

Inside, Becky and Bruno are arguing about the ethics of keeping a kid prisoner for a crime he didn’t even commit yet. “If he’s messed up, keeping him in a concrete room by himself isn’t gonna make him less messed up,” Zoe says. Good job, G. Willow Wilson. Bringing out the mental health therapy argument for crime. That’ll go over well with your many, many far-right conservative readers!

Ms. Marvel is so tired of hearing the arguing that she embiggens herself to fill the room to get their collective attention. “GUYS!” she screams, causing Bruno to fall backwards hilariously. Possibly on top of a cactus or a cake. Ms. Marvel tells them that there’s a crowd outside ready to hang everyone by their nuts if they don’t come up with some fast answers. And since Captain Marvel put her in charge, they’re all gonna do what she says! Goddamnit!!

But, yeah, Josh stays in the holding cell since he’s going to blow up the school. Better not risk that. “I can’t believe this!” exclaims Bruno. “You’re gonna side with Basic Becky and the Junior Fascists against your own friends?!” And Nakia is like “Ms. Marvel sucks, we’re not friends with her anyway. *sticks tongue out* Bluh!”

The day is over. Kamala is sleeping at the kitchen table, face covered in cereal. Tyesha whispers to Aamir while they’re doing dishes that she’s worried about Kamala. She’s always tired and she doesn’t seem to have any friends anymore. Go fix it.

“Hey. Booger. Wake up,” he says, poking her roughly with his poop-smeared finger. He tells her to say her evening prayer and go to bed. Also, Bruno called earlier about going to get Josh, whatever that means. Anyway, I–

Kamala grabs her bag and books it out of the house, dons her Ms. Marvel clothes, and makes a fierce face that could scare cats and the elderly. Her friend is going behind her back? Nuts to that! She needs to stay in Captain Marvel’s good graces or she’ll never be allowed in the Avengers!

“The Cadets put an electromagnetic lock on the door of the warehouse to make it harder to break into. And knowing Bruno, he probably built some sort of fancy-pants device out of paper clips and chewing gum to get through it.”

Oh, he gets through it, all right.

Bruno! No! You forgot to slather on your anti-explosion salve!

She finds Bruno standing outside the warehouse slightly messed up and shocked, but verbal. She thinks he’s ok at first until he collapses on the ground. Likely dead. Oh well.

Final Thoughts

Bruno’s funeral will be held on Tuesday. Visiting hours are from 8am – 6pm. We’re going to launch his remains to Mars where he always wanted to visit. Crying is prohibited.