Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #67 – “Jump the Shark”! In the previous installment, it becomes apparent that Peter Parker and Wolverine switched bodies somehow. The issue is chock full of antics, like “Wolverine cuts off a finger” and “Peter Parker goes to school lol”. Not much else happens, but Parker Body does have eyes on the teenage girls, which is creepy.

I realize now I should be calling them Wolverine Brain and Parker Brain. Too late now!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #67 [December, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Jump the Shark”

The car that Wolverine Body totaled contains no survivors. Just kidding. Everyone survives for some reason. The cops are like “is anyone hurt?” and the one dude is like “there is a car on me.” Ah, it’s Wolverine Body trapped under the car, and cops tell him to come out with his hands up and no funny mutant business, please. Wolverine Body removes the car from his person and looks up at the cops like a scared little child. Because he is a scared little child. Little pants-pooping Parker.

Meanwhile, Parker Body’s class stares at the carnage out of the window. He grimaces and hangs his head down in embarrassment as the students are like “lookee there” and “wowzers!” The teacher tries to restore order, but it ain’t working.

“Whoah, you see who the dude is?” says one kid.

“Is that the guy from the X-Men?” says another. Parker Body facepalms himself into singularity and runs out of the room, drawing the attention of MJ.

Wolverine Body tries to talk nice to the cops, but they’re all a hair away from slamming their knees on his neck. “HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD!!” one says. Wolverine Body complies, but (painfully) SNIKTs out all his razors. Now the cops are telling him to drop the claws while they call for backup. “I think they’re attached,” Wolverine Body says as they continue to tell him to lose the weapons. After unsuccessfully keeping the claws at bay, Wolverine Body decides to make a run for it. Meanwhile, Parker Body is staring at the scene in abject horror from behind a tree.

Wolverine Body gets tased. Parker Body knocks his head against the tree in frustrated disgust. The cops grab Wolverine Body and push him into the car, but Parker Body runs out to try and stop it. As the car drives off, Wolverine Body advises the kid to not go out in public without the costume. That’s important, because if everyone knows that Spider-Man is Peter Parker then the Feds will try to harness his dick and balls for science, as we all know.

Oh sure, I’ll just put on the spandex and reverse time. Nice plan, Colonel Einstein.

In jail, Wolverine Body gets one phone call. He decides to get the Xavier School of Rampant Child Molestation on the horn. I guess they keep the main phone in the hallway where just anyone can pick it up and start talking, because Kitty Pryde happens to walk by it as it’s ringing.

What ensues is 100 panels of Wolverine Body trying to convince her that it’s Peter Parker, that they switched bodies, and that Wolverine’s body is really smelly and itchy, and that he’s in jail, and that – hello? Why are you laughing uproariously?

Storm grabs the phone from Pryde and starts talking, but the police tase Wolverine Body through the bars because he accidentally SNIKTed again. By the time they switch bodies back, Wolverine’s going to have uncontrollable epilepsy!

In a back alley, Parker Body contemplates putting on the skimpy costume. “I’m not wearing this stupid thing,” he says as he pulls on only the mask. He adjusts the cans of web goo on his wrists and starts climbing the wall. “Look at that – he’s got little sticky spider fingers. Cripes! That is creepy.”

Squashed like a fucking spider!

We are treated to a few hilarious pages of Parker Body trying to web his way to the next building with absolutely no success. I won’t spoil it here, but penises are a’floppin’!

Wolverine Body enjoys the peace and quiet of the smelly, pee-soaked jail cell until he catches the newly-arrived Parker Body kicking cops’ asses. Like, handily. Like, they’re all unconscious now.

“Oh my God!! What did you do??”
“Come on!!”

“What did you do?”

“Let’s get out of here!”

“You beat up the police!”

“Just a little, come on!”

He tells Wolverine Body to flick out a claw and pick the lock. So he flicks out a claw and punches through the lock, which is close enough. Wolverine Body flails around because he caught a rogue bullet in the forehead. So Parker Body pulls it straight out with his hands! Surprise! That doesn’t hurt at all, right? Quit crying!

“Bub! You are taking very bad care of my body,” gripes Parker Body. “I asked you to do one thing and–”

“Where’s my costume?” Wolverine Body interrupts. Parker Body pulls off his masks and says, yeah, he’s not wearing the fucking costume. And he calls the mask smelly, which prompts a complete defensive rebuttal from the kid in the smelly body. “You need to do a full body shampoo, man. You need to wash everywhere!”

They yell at each other about what each did wrong for a bit. Went to jail this. Beat up the police that.

“Kid, I need you to think. What were you doing last night? What is the last thing you remember doing in your own body?” And Wolverine Body says he was doing homework, talking to MJ on the phone, jacking off, and reading The Hobbit. Nothing about this weird body swap is his damn fault! It must be some eerie mutant shit going on, courtesy of the Xavier School of Fingerpainting. “Why do I even have to argue this!??! You know this was your fault!”

You’re going to do what to my face?… You did WHAT to the car?! Keep it in your pants, man.

Arguing doesn’t stop until they hear a nearby giant boom. It’s the guy from another storyline with the magic sound guns. I’d link the storyline, but I don’t fucking remember where he was from anymore! But he’s trying to rob a bank and it’s not working very well because Wolverine and Peter Parker are there to fuck things up for him…

…until they start bickering again. Parker needs to go through puberty. Wolverine needs a bath. Then Parker Body shoots the Electromagnetic Man in the chest with web gunk and Wolverine Body smashes him in the face with a fist. Business as usual, yo.

Luckily, they’re saved by the newly arriving, impossibly attractive X-Men. With a wry smirk, Jean Grey approaches Wolverine Body and is like “LOGAN, I TOLD YOU IF YOU HIT ON ME ONE MORE TIME THAT I’D DO SOME FREAKY MIND POWERS ON YOU, AND YOU HIT ON ME, SO I DID SOME FREAKY MIND POWERS, AND THAT IS WHY YOU’RE IN PETER PARKER’S BODY.”

So the two of them yell at Jean Grey to fix it. Wolverine Body tells her that she ruined his life. She tells him to cork it as she touches both their foreheads and does the boogity boogity.

It works.

Peter Parker is like “everyone hates you guys not because you’re mutants, but you’re $%!$ $@^# @^#!^! ^#!&!#^! #^!^@!&@ !@^!&#&$*!” Then he flies away crying his eyes out.

“How was high school, Logan?” Cyclops asks. Wolverine smiles instead of sneers, so it must have been fun enough!

At home, Parker apologizes to MJ about being a jerk, because he most assuredly was. They embrace in a hug, then MJ tells him the following:

“That thing you tried to do this morning, can we not do that till we’re older?”

PARKER MAKES A FACE.

Final Thoughts

Hooooo-weeeee!! How’s that for a yarn, goddamnit! Now that we’re done with that unpleasantness, we can move onto other stories like “Parker sat on a thumbtack” and “Wilson Fisk killed the entire population of Queens by farting”.