Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #616 – “Chapter 9: The Assassins”! In the previous installment, Bruce attends Thomas Elliot’s funeral, thinks about his own parents (sad!), and stays awake past 56 hours in order to try to determine the murderer. We are diverted by a Riddler heist, but we can’t really expect that guy to stay out of the spotlight.

The ever-levelheaded Dick Grayson convinces Bruce to give up his secret identity to Catwoman if he’s going to keep fucking her and everything. Might as well, right? And Harvey Dent busts Joker out of the joint. So there’s a lot going on and there are still five issues left to go!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #616 [August, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 9: The Assassins”

It’s midnight. We’re just outside of Metropolis. LexCorp One, a private jet, accelerates, elevates, and heads over the Atlantic Ocean. Batman narrates and complains about how his favorite villains are making him look the fool in new and exciting ways. He’s in his BatJet following LexCorp One over the ocean. He thinks Lex Luthor has something to do with this, possibly because he’s a rich piece of shit who can finance all these headaches. He’s probably right.

Oracle is begging Batman not to pursue this plane, but Batman ignores her and starts shooting ropes toward LexCorp One. Needless to say, in five panels Batman has successfully boarded LexCorp One. It’s really dumb, but then again, I’m also a dumb.

Against her wishes, Oracle jams LexCorp One’s distress signal. Batman decides he has less than a minute before the cabin door he entered through (miraculously, I might add) reseals itself.

Strapped to a chair is Talia Head – Ra’s al Ghul’s daughter. Batman slips a knife under all the binding and rescues the poor damsel in distress. “Why are you doing this?” she asks. “Ask your father,” Batman answers. Always upfront with the info, this guy.

Anyway, Batman and Talia leap out of the plane and parachute safely to some sort of slick Bat water jet waiting for them in the water. Batman talks about meeting Ra’s al Ghul; something about Dick Grayson getting kidnapped. Who cares, and also lol.

The answer to the question “Did you relieve your constipation yet, sir?”

Here’s a reminder that, in this universe, Lex Luthor is the President of the United States (of America!) and he looks positively buff and delicious in his crisp white shirt. The Vice President bolts into the Oval Office to report a hijacking and a kidnapping, which Lex laughs off. Silly underling. Batman broke into a plane and stole a woman? What is this, Tuesday? Go shine my shoes, you piece of shit.

At about 3am, Batman returns to the Batcave sans Talia. “I have left Talia… elsewhere,” he proclaims mysteriously. He probably left her near a Denny’s dumpster. Once he sees a sword sticking out of his computer, of all places, he fears for Alfred’s life! “ALFRED!” he yells. “ALFRED!” Is our intrepid butler ok? Yes! He’s serving tea to no one in particular.

This sword calling card is the work of al Ghul! Only he would have the capability of entering and exiting the Batcave undetected. But why would he just stick a sword in a computer console and leave? Alfred thinks he’s trying to lure Batman back to his homeland. Batman calls him coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, until Alfred says “…and in doing so, leave something or someone in Gotham City unprotected.”

We suddenly jump to Casa de Jim Gordon, where the impossibly well-muscled man is sleeping peacefully alone in his queen-sized bed. A shadow descends on him, but he’s a light sleeper. “HANDS IN THE AIR,” he says, pulling out his trusty water gun. The assailant is a friendly-looking Two-Face, hitherto known as Harvey Dent. He even calls him “Jimbo” like a knucklehead from old times!

Jim ain’t buying this new friendliness. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me three or four times, shame on thee yet again! “It’s Bats,” says Dent. “He needs our help. Now, more than ever.”

Whatever. Jim knows he posed as an attorney to get Joker out of Arkham. Back off, fucker.

Dent says he had his license reinstated! Ain’t that a corker?!

If I were Dent, I’d be flirting right now. Jim is quite the hunk of man. Mee-yow!

Dent knows that the gun that killed Thomas Elliot was Jim’s service revolver. Jim is dumbstruck, but has the look of a man who knows when he needs to give in. Time for the Gordon/Dent buddy cop story that no one asked for!

Batman has decided to immediately travel to North Africa in order to confront al Ghul. The dude looks angry, like he’s not at all ready to be accused of killing Thomas Elliot. Batman still accuses him, because he has the means and the knowledge. “I will make you a proposition,” says al Ghul. “If you defeat me here this evening, I will help solve your… dilemma. Should I triumph, however, my daughter is to be released – and you will pay for this insubordination with your–”

KLANK! SWORD FIGHT! Al Ghul calls Batman a dirty, rotten, no-good snake for surprising him with a sudden swing o’ the sword, but he recovers quickly. This is exciting! Too bad we have to jump to what’s going on with Catwoman now for some reason.

Talia is tied to a chair, which is apparently the only situation that she finds herself in for the duration of this issue. She seems to be in a shitty warehouse crawling with cats. The two of them trade a few barbs until a woman named Lady Shiva suddenly plows through a window in the ceiling. “RELEASE HER-” she yells. “And I will spare your life.”

Lady Shiva kicks the blood right out of Catwoman’s mouth. This is exciting! Too bad we have to jump to what’s going on with Batman and Ra’s al Ghul now for some reason.

Parcheesi is. If only we had Parcheesi, then we wouldn’t be fighting like this!

Panels alternate between the Batman fight and the Catwoman fight. Batman sticks his sword right through al Ghul’s abdomen, which is pretty gnarly. Al Ghul collapses on the ground in a pathetic heap of dying man. Five assassins pop out of the sand, which doesn’t faze Batman one bit. “The time it will take your assassins to stop me, you could spend getting to medical help…” he taunts.

Al Ghul decides now’s the time to talk. He asks Batman who in his life would wish to come back from the dead. Meanwhile, Lady Shiva asks Catwoman if Batman is paying her as much to hold Talia as Lady Shiva is being paid to steal her away. These are all important questions! How about this one: are my Pizza Rolls ready yet?

Lady Shiva almost kills Catwoman, but a newly-untied Talia whacks her unconscious with a stick. “Tell my father to stay out of my life,” she says. And as both Catwoman and Lady Shiva lie on the floor in pools of their own sticky blood, Talia grapples her way out through the ceiling. “Games…” she mumbles disparagingly.

Batman returns to find a nearly-dead Catwoman bleeding all over the place. “Who did this?” he asks himself rhetorically, obviously, since Catwoman is a drooling vegetable now. Talia pops into the room for some reason. “In certain ways… you did.”

Final Thoughts

First of all, how many times am I going to have to read about Batman jumping onto an airplane?

Second of all, this al Ghul business is shitty as ass. Who the fuck is Talia Head and why should I care about her one bit? Hard pass.

Third of all, my Pizza Rolls are ready. Smell ya later, nerds.