Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #618 – “Chapter 11: The Game”! In the previous installment, TV’s Tim Drake’s Robin gets really fake-mad at Catwoman hanging around the Batcave soaking up all the Batsecrets, including the big one where *cough cough* Batman is Bruce *cough* Wayne. They fight for some reason even though Robin is hella pretending. This particular part of the issue serves no purpose and results in nothing.

Meanwhile, the Huntress has been steeped in Scarecrow’s fear gas, and Batman has decided that Scarecrow has been the culprit all along! All those other jobbers – Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, Joker – were just pawns in an elaborate game of Space Chess!

But none of that matters either, because TV’s Jason Todd’s Second Robin comes back from the dead to hold Tim Drake Robin by the scruff, ready to rumble with the Batman himself.

Two more issues to go, bitch.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #618 [October, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 11: The Game”

“Jason Todd is dead. The Joker killed him years ago. However, it is not impossible for the dead to come back to life.”

Oh man, whatever. You expect me to suspend my disbelief for that? Suck my entire dick, sir.

But Batman goes on to say that Green Arrow and Superman died before, and they came back to life! So why not Jason Todd, someone as equally important as the likes of Superman? Batman notes that Jason Todd’s corpse is gone from his grave. It’s really him, in the bone and flesh!

Jason tells Batman to come and get him before he slits Robin’s throat. “Tell me, Batman. You let one Robin die. You want to go for two?”

Instead of stopping Jason, Batman ruminates about Ra’s al Ghul’s “Lazarus Pit”. It has healing energies for the dead, but it leaves the user riddled with madness!

Catwoman distracts Jason, leaving an opening for Batman to plow into him. He’s mad at Catwoman for not staying with the Huntress, though. All like “I COULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THIS! RAWR!”

Jason hits Batman back with a “BDFF”. Batman hits Jason back with a “WUP”. The onomatopoeia leaves a lot to be desired. Jason gets extra mad, accusing Batman of considering him a “second-rate Robin”. I would have to agree! I barely know this kid and I can already tell he sucks. “HOW COULD YOU LET ME DIE?” he yells. “C’MON! FIGHT ME!”

Batman almost threw the kid in the pit himself in a moment of grief-stricken dumbassedness. Good thing he didn’t, as you can see, but it happened anyway, and oh well. Jason is really holding his own against the Bat, but a lot of that is because Batman is sitting there and taking it like a dumb ol’ bowl of grapes. I mean, come on. Jason wants to kill him, and Batman’s like “durrrrr, I want to watch House”. Jason is like “hurrrrr, it’s all a game man, play ball!”

“If you are who you say you are–” Batman growls. “–then you already know. Thinking what we do is a game is what got Robin killed.”

Sloppy like yo’ momma’s pussy! Ha!

“My opponent is counting on Jason’s appearance to affect my abilities. Play on whatever guilt I harbor for Jason’s death…” KRAK! THAK! CHOKK! SWOOSH! PHTOOM! Not today, pipsqueak! Batman starts fighting back with all the gusto in the world. Catwoman wants to enter the fray, but Robin holds her back. She hisses a big fat “fuck you, kid”.

Batman acknowledges the fact that Jason Todd was never this good at holding his own. Something fishy is going on here.

Jason chides Batman for going after all the wrong people. The Joker. Ra’s al Ghul. “C’mon, Batman – It was right in front of you the entire time. “Jason smiles devilishly. He reminds Batman that someone cut his Batline, causing a near-death all the way back when.

Batman remembers when he and Jason first met. Jason was trying to steal one of the Batmobile’s tires for some fool-ass reason in Crime Alley. Someone orchestrated a Batline-cut that landed Batman in that same exact spot. All the pieces are coming together like a one-piece jigsaw puzzle.

The fight gets taken to the top of a very large and tall monastery. Batman holds Jason over the edge of the edge of the edge of the edge. “You are not the Robin who died,” Batman sneers. If this were really Jason Todd, he would have called him “Bruce”. Or at least “Fauntleroy”. But that hasn’t happened. Whoever orchestrated this is keeping Batman’s real identity secret from “Jason”.

Batman accuses “Jason” of defiling a child’s grave and posturing as Jason. He really beats the shit out of Jason’s face at this point, and the kid merely says in a meek, whiny little voice “…I only wanted to be loved, Batman…” And, well, that was “Jason’s” mistake all along. Jason knew that Batman loved him.

Yeah, right. Loved him right up his butt.

I do love you! You’re like the son I almost had. When I fucked your mother last year.

In the rain, “Jason” dissolves into nothing and produces a weird smoke. Batman surmises that it’s possible that this imposter never even knew he was supposed to be Jason. He never namedropped himself, after all. Because, yeah, people do that all the time, right Batman? Give me a break.

Robin asks Batman when he knew that it wasn’t actually Jason. It was when he discovered the clay on the ground. Clayface was the culprit here. Just another pawn in the fucking game.

Robin’s neck is still bleeding a little from the wound from Clayface’s knife against his throat. “Go to the cave. Have Alfred tend to your wound. Then get to work on that costume.” Batman points to the ratty little rag that Clayface was wearing. “See if there’s anything on it other than clay that will help us find out who is behind all this.”

Catwoman reports that the Huntress took the motorcycle. “In her ranting, it sounded like she made a deal with someone who betrayed her.” Batman thinks it might be about him, but they can’t be sure. Here I am thinking that not everything is about him, goddamnit. So fucking self-centered, this guy.

These two get a little mushy for a panel or two. Batman admits that he trusts Catwoman (even though I wouldn’t, idiot), then he fucks off with the knowledge that SOMEONE out there is still pulling the strings.

Batman makes his way to Oracle’s clocktower hideout, where the wheelchaired one works at her computer console. He scares the bejeebus out of her. “I need to find Huntress,” he rasps without even so much as a hello. Oracle tells him that Huntress ditched the motorcycle about two blocks from where they were. “Let me know when you find her,” Batman says. “She’s a loose end… and whoever it is we’re dealing with isn’t going to let her stay out there for long.”

Batman raises a good point here. Why, indeed? Tommy Elliot is dead and no Lazarus Pit will ever bring him b—WAIT A MINUTE!

Oracle arranges for the Gotham City Bridge (the only bridge in a city full of rivers) to be closed all night. She has arranged a meeting between Batman and some fuck named Harold. “Why? Why betray me? I would have given you everything you needed. I had given you anything you needed. A home. A purpose.”

Harold looks like quite the hapless, homeless man. He used to work in the Batcave; a genius with electronics and computers. And he had planted a bug under the one of the computers in the Batcave.

“He said he could heal me,” cries Harold. “Make it so I wasn’t mute. So I could stand up like a man. I thought that even if I had been tricked… you are my hero.” He looks to Batman. “You would always win… forgive me…”

This mysterious “he” that Harold is flapping his gums about knows Batman’s identity, Harold’s work in the cave. And he’ll tell him exactly who “he” is.

Why, it’s–

Oh well.

Mister Two-Guns appears to be Mr. Two-Face. But we’ll see, won’t we. We’ll see.

Final Thoughts

Gulp! The last piece of the puzzle is Harvey Dent himself, isn’t it? One more issue to go. Is it going to wrap itself up in a neat little package, or am I going to have to slaughter some bitches for wasting my time? That’s the real mystery.