Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Alias Investigations, Part 1”! Once again I switch gears as I hop willy-nilly around what the early-2000s Marvel has to offer me. And, because I’m legitimately enjoying Brian Michael Bendis’ Ultimate Spider-Man series, and because I’m positively titillated by the idea of these MAX Comics, then Alias it is!

UNFORTUNATELY, the Alias series will not see us follow Jennifer Garner as a CIA double-agent where she just keeps dying her hair different colors and calls that “being undercover”. HELL NO! The Alias series is the Marvel introduction of Jessica Jones, who got her own Netflix show in 2015 starring Krysten Ritter. And let me tell you, based on these illustrations 14 years prior to the release of the show, what a fantastic casting decision that was.

Anyway, at this point I’m familiar with Jessica Jones Season 1, which I started watching on a lark about eight months ago. I think that very show is what sparked this whole comic book reading endeavor in the first place. So, I owe it to myself to dip into the real deal and burn through the Alias comics, written by Brian Michael Bendis (the same guy who writes the Ultimate Spider-Man series. And MAX Comics, by the way, is Marvel’s gratuitous-for-the-sake-of-gratuity controversial adult-only imprint! I think it made Stan Lee cry once. Alias was the first series ever launched on MAX. Oh boy! Maybe we’ll see some titty! That might be fun, right kids?

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [November, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Alias Investigations (Part 1)”

PARENTAL ADVISORY – EXPLICIT CONTENT. Oh boy oh boy!

In the very first panel, we are treated to the speech bubble “FUCK” eminating from a door labelled “Alias Investigations”. I think I just got my adult-oriented money’s worth on that one.

A balding, slightly muscular man in a white tank-top is swearing hopelessly in a chair while a suited woman, smoking a cigarette, leans against a desk. “I told you when you hired me — these things rarely end well” says the female agent. The man just keeps saying “FUCK!” because he knows we’re reading MAX COMICS, baby! She asks him if he needs a moment alone, he asks her why his wife never told him she was some sort of mutant, the agent just tells him that they live in complicated times. He starts taking his anger out on the agent, asking her if she had a good time snooping around his life and unearthing this devastating revelation. Obviously, this man is paying her money, and she points this out, and there you go. She’s not very sympathetic, even digs a little bit into him! I like it! He reaches for her throat, blaming “bitches” for all his problems, and a few seconds later he is thrown through the window of her office door. She simply asks for his money.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, officer. I understand. See you again tomorrow.

Jessica Jones is the name, and getting paid for gritty detective work is the game! She is questioned by the police, who tells her that she probably shouldn’t be attacking her clients. She claims self-defense, and it sounds like she’s been through this RIGAMAROLE with the police before. The police officer sees a large framed photograph on the wall of members of the Avengers: Thor, Iron Man, maybe the Wasp? The pink-haired lady, maybe that’s whoever Zoe Saldana is? Look, I still don’t shit about comics books, ok? Cut me some fucking slack here, gents.

Cyndi Lauper over here has seen better days. And worse days. Look, I guess it’s just another average day. Nothing to see here, move along, girls just wanna have fun.

Anyway, the police officer goes gaga over this and asks Jones if she knows them. She says “used to”. The officers continue their job, but keep getting distracted by all the framed photos of superheroes around the office. “Hey, which one were you?!” they keep asking her, but Jones is being tight-lipped. Methinks a couple of police officers are gonna be kissing windowpane pretty soon if they don’t stop poking and prodding! “I don’t do that anymore”, she tells them. “Why not?!” gawks a yokel of a cop. “Because I outgrew it,” she responds. They still aren’t satisfied, but she kicks them out nonetheless. Not literally. They ask for the file Jones has on the client’s wife, she hands it over, they exchange some wisenheimer quips at each other, and the cops leave. She looks sullenly at her portrait (ok, so SHE was the pink-haired lady), she lights a cigarette, and then passes out on her desk with the lit cigarette.

Empty bar in the middle of the night. Well, almost empty. Jones is identically slumped over the bar as she was on her desk, cigarette and all. A sexy, suave, burly black guy starts making his moves on her with lines like “Hey girl” and “Havin’ a nightcap”? This guy owns the bar, you see, and his name is Luke Cage, you also see, and he and Jones already know each other, you see further. She asks him how he can just walk around being Luke Cage. Luke Cage says that Luke Cage is just Luke Cage, and what else is Luke Cage going to do? Sorry, it’s fun writing “Luke Cage” like that over and over again. She isn’t satisfied with his answer, but he smiles a million-dollar smile at her and says “who’s gonna fuck with me”? Cage asks Jones why she came down to the bar, and sad-sack depressive Jones says she just wanted to feel something different. THIS IS CAGE’S CUE, BABY. Cage is gonna get some pussy tonight!

Yes sir! We see some real teeth-clenching faces from Jones, some real PG-13 stuff here, as she explains that Cage will probably feel bad later for their little tryst. Jones, however, doesn’t care. She just wants to feel any emotion at all. Pain. Humility. Anger. So I’m guessing she let him put it in the butt. Hahaha MAX COMICS, son! After hours! Wooo!

The next morning Jones is walking through the city in her cool-ass shades. She spots a woman following her, similarly wearing cool-ass shades. The jig is up. The woman asks if she’s Jessica Jones. Jessica Jones, being Jessica Jones, says yes, she’s Jessica Jones. That name isn’t as fun to write out as Luke Cage. As Jones and the woman go back and forth with their “I need to talk to you” and “I’m sorry, this isn’t a good time”, Jones takes note of the woman’s lavish clothes, jewelry, and accessories. The woman insists that her sister is missing and she has nowhere else to go. I’m guessing that Jones thinks she can make a lot of money off this woman, so she takes her up to her office.

I don’t know this woman’s name yet, but she fills an entire two pages of speech balloons loaded with words. Ugh, I’m going to have to READ now? Gross.

You can pay me in cigarettes, lotto tickets, and jelly beans! And no black jelly beans either, is that jake with you, ma’am?

She goes on about her sister Miranda, how they never really got along, how she was the older, responsible one and Miranda was the younger, more impulsive one. Miranda would always drift with the wrong crowd and get into trouble, and then the abortion didn’t really help keep the family together either! Har har! And the drugs, oh my, the drugs. So many drugs! Not that she’s judgmental, of course, not at all! Anyway, Miranda has been trying to set herself straight lately, got a job, and started seeing a decent man for a change. In fact, she likes this guy so much that she wanted to get married after only going out for a couple weeks! HOOOLD YOUR HORSES THERE, SIS, DON’T RUSH INTO THINGS NOW! C’MON NOW! But, doggone it, Miranda doesn’t take that very well, does she? She flies off the handle and cuts off contact. After a couple weeks she tried to call Miranda, but Miranda didn’t call her back. OK, fine. She tried calling again a couple weeks later before Mom’s birthday, but Miranda’s phone was disconnected. She tried calling Miranda’s work, but they say she quit, and they won’t explain why. So she tried visiting her apartment, but she doesn’t live there anymore. So now she’s talking to Jessica “Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23” Jones about it. Classic Miranda! In my opinion, she’s being such a Carrie. But I digress…

Jones tells the woman that sometimes women like her sister disappear on purpose and aren’t too keen on being found. The woman just wants to make sure Miranda is ok, so Jones agrees to take the case.

Jessica Jones takes the time to let us, the attentive readers, in on a little bit of detective inside baseball here! VIP room only! First, she spends more time making sure the client isn’t some sort of con artist than she does actually finding the person the client wants found! Second (and this one is reaaallllly secret so don’t tell anyone!), you can find anything you need online! So, she’s taking people’s money and doing what they could do at home! *squints* Right, this came out in 2001, I forgot. This even predates social media as we know it. I’m guessing nowadays all a private investigator has to do is email their client a Facebook page or something. Jones says that most websites that she uses will only cost her $30 for the relevant information. Sad! Jones, you’re still paying money for this stuff online. Wait a few years, people will just be forthright with everything you could ever want!

She goes on to say that, sometimes, people are just impossible to find, and clients bail because Jones keeps pumping $30 into the internet slot machine. Miranda, though, she finds easily. Off she goes.

She stakes out a house where she sees Miranda enter with some tall hunk o’ man! Hubba hubba! It’s 2am and the guy’s beeper goes off (Ha! 2001!), which means he’s either a doctor or a married man. However, the guy never leaves the house. At least through the front door. After a few moments, she finally spots him on the roof…

Daaaaaawwwww, here it goes! *Coolio starts rapping*

Final Thoughts

Whuuuuut?! That was unexpected! That didn’t happen in the show, that’s for sure. CAPTAIN AMERICA! Chris Evans himself! Miranda’s a lucky gal. Her sister can go fuck herself, let Miranda keep boning Chris Evans. Let Jessica Jones keep boning Luke Cage. Everyone just keep on boning. This is MAX Comics, baby!