Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Alias Investigations (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones is an ex-superhero who now earns her living as a private investigator. Luke Cage is her bang buddy. He’s also an ex-superhero who now earns his living as a bar owner. At this moment their superpowers are still unclear, although Jones did throw a man through her office door window. Jones is depressed, but Cage seems happy. He’s not.

A woman approaches Jones to enlist her services. Her sister Miranda is missing. After some sleuthing, she stakes out a house and discovers that Miranda is hooking up with CAPTAIN AMERICA! WHAT! Shove off, David Tennant! Already in Issue #1 this story took a turn I didn’t expect. Hot damn!

What new, exciting, saucy adventures await in Issue #2? MAX Comics, baby! Put the kids to bed, it’s gonna get racy. Oooh momma! Let’s crack this bad boy open.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [December, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Alias Investigations (Part 2)”

It’s the dead of night, and Jessica Jones has been standing outside her apartment building for 42 minutes holding a videotape that “people would kill for”. Ohhh, Sweatin’ to the Oldies?! Fuck yeah, gimme. So, in a state of paralyzing paranoia, she’s checking her apartment curtains from the street to make sure that they’re moving due to the wind and not because someone is squatting in her pad waiting to commit the foul act of person-on-person murder. But, she got bored, so she’s going in anyway.

No one is there, and she feels stupid. She doesn’t even think the footage she has is any good anyway. Yeah, probably all for naught. Paranoid for nothing. Let’s check the tape.

Yeah, that footage is pretty damning. The guy ripping out of his civilian clothes and becoming Captain America right there, plain as day. Hmm. What to do. What to do, what to do?

What to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do.

Whattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodo.

Now there’s a what to do for ya!

So she throws the VHS tape in the microwave and hits a few buttons before stopping herself. She has a moment of crisis.

She regroups on her thoughts at this point. Let’s say she was set up, right? Perhaps Captain America’s enemies sent this woman to get Jones to follow Captain America? But then why would they need her in the first place if they already know who he is? Arrrgghh.

OK, let’s say she was set up, right? And whoever set her up needs the tape? She might be killed if she destroys it? People she cares about might be killed? No, that doesn’t make sense either! Who gives a shit?! Arrrgghh.

What to do what to do what to do whattodowhattodowhattodo…

If word gets out, terrorists might hijack planes and fly right into him. I bet Captain America’s shield can’t withstand a Boeing 777 right to the face!

Ah! OK! Get in touch with that woman again, the one who hired Jones in the first place! She seems dumb and harmless! Maybe Jones can get a better feel for the situation. Yeah. Yeah, ok, let’s do that. OK, it’s 3:30am, but fuck it, right, just call her and make up some excuse for calling so late.

“If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you’d like to know the number of the last phone call you received, please press *69. lol. nice.“

Well shit. Disconnected number. Jones hauls ass outside and hails a taxi to take her to the address she got from her client. She’s led to a baby clothing store.

Well shit. One place left to go, and that’s back at the stakeout house, Miranda’s address, and finds a crime scene with two cops discussing that a woman was strangled with someone’s bare hands.

Well fucking fuck shit. With nowhere else safe to go, she finds herself at Luke Cage’s place. He asks why the hell she’s there, she says she had a bad night, and he tells her she can’t come around here. “You crazy?” Crazy as a fox! Luke is already with a woman, presumably his lawfully wedded wife, so he tries to chase Jessica Jones the FUCK out of there stat. Door closes. With nowhere else to go for reals this time, she cries in the hallway of Cage’s apartment building in the middle of the night.

The next morning, Jones is outside AVENGERS MANSION where she asks a loudspeaker at the front gate if she can speak to Captain America. “I’M SORRY, THE AVENGERS ARE AWAY ON A MISSION — HELPING TO KEEP THE WORLD A SAFER PLACE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TO LIVE. BUT WE THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY.” And then the voice threatens her, so she walks away.

Back at Jones’ apartment building, a police detective named Paul Hall is waiting for her. Too bad it wasn’t “Paul Wall”, but the stars don’t align quite so nicely sometimes, do they? He immediately asks if she used to be a superhero, and after confirming and asking politely what Hall needs from her, he continues the line of questioning by asking if she still has her superpowers. She confirms this too, and he moves on to the real questions. She confirms that she saw Miranda the previous night. Hall is suspicious. He informs her that Miranda was murdered. You can tell Jones isn’t surprised, but she kind of acts like it in that deadpan emotionless way we’ve only seen from her thus far. He asks if this news surprises her, she says yes, but then he lets her know that they have photos of the crowd at the crime scene. Whoops!

THAT COULD BE ANYONE IN THAT PHOTO! DO I LOOK LIKE I EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE? I’M ON PILLS, MAN! DON’T FUCK WITH ME, I MIGHT GO CRAZY! *teeth gnashing* I WOULDN’T HURT A FLY! *feral frothing*

So, yeah, busted! Hall asks Jones to come down to the station. “I hope you’re smart enough to know that using your powers at this point would be a real mistake…”

Final Thoughts

Gee whiz! You can tell I’m into this story by the genuine lack of snarky wisecrackin’ hooliganry that I usually slather into these posts! How is Jessica Jones going to get out of this pickle? And what happened to Miranda’s sister? Is Jones going to have to track down Captain America? Is he going to be all sad and shit? We’ve got a mystery on our hands, boys and girls!