Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Credibility Gap”! In the previous installment, Steve Rogers hates all the attention he’s getting on the streets, but his faithful friend Hawkeye tells him to stop walking around in the suit, dummy.

Captain America fights an old nemesis downtown, Batroc, but learns that Batroc only showed up to fight him because he was getting paid by Hydra, much to Captain America’s vexation, but we the audience learn it’s because the inevitable fall will be so much sweeter if the Cap’n public image keeps soaring. Sounds dumb because it IS dumb!

Also, something about Red Skull being back. That means nothing to me right now!

With Issue #5, we begin a three-part sub-story to polish off this overall arc: “Power and Glory”. And if the cover is any indication, the story will end with Hydra paying the price because Captain America is mad. Look forward to that.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [May, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Credibility Gap”

We begin in a subsurface Hydra base under the Thames River in London. The alarms are sounding, the Hydra Grunts are running every which-way. The base is under attack! One of them is happy, because “frankly, I could use the target practice.” Those Hydra guys are ready for anything!

…buuuhhh, except for…

…wait for it…

“THE DOUBLE-TEAM OF CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THOR, THE NORSE GOD OF THUNDER!”

*cue nine hours of flatulence*

So Cap’n and Thormp are whacking Hydra guys left and right, and I’m sitting here like “these little green bitches have guns, just shoot from far away”. Do you think Thor, who wears nothing to cover his arms, is going to be able to shake off four bullets in the bicep?? Give it a try, idiots, who cares if you take out a few of your own dispensable men in the process? You’re all the same anyway.

“Captain, have a care! Their numbers multiply!” screams Thor, implying that the Hydra Guys fuck like bunnies and produce new generations of inbred drones within seconds. Cap’n is more than ready though. He announces that, in case they haven’t heard, he’s fuckin’ FED UP with their SHIT. “This isn’t a fight. This is war.” he declares, kicking one in the neck.

And like all other wars, this one starts with a shin to the chin!

Team Hydra is scared. One calls the Paris branch for backup. Paris acknowledges, but they’ve got their own problem: Iron Man and…uh…*checks Wikipedia*…Scarlet Witch, maybe? They’ve infiltrated Paris’ base and they’re terrorizin’ and throwin’ shit around themselves. Captain America informs the little green dipshits that he’s got Avengers tearing every Hydra base worldwide! And they’re not going to stop until Cap’n finds out WHY they’re TERRORIZING HIM! I mean, terrorizing the world is one thing, but now it’s personal. A real man of the people, this guy!

The Hydra Guy stammers and tells Cap’n that he has no idea, honestly. “Hydra has been fragmented for months!” he gulps, “We have no specific agenda!” This is where Cap’n calls him a liar, and the guy admits that a smaller faction, maybe, possibly, he heard from a cousin he thinks, might be targeting the Good Captain. The faction is led by the Sensational Hydra! And he could be anywhere. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. shows up (four of them) to cuff and arrest the Hydra group (like, 50+) while Cap’n and Thor get the hell out of there. In a twist, one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. guys unmasks himself (and also changes his clothes between panels, somehow, mid-sentence) and kills his own man! It’s the Sensational Hydra! He thanks the dead guy for telling Cap’n what he wanted him to know and scurries off cackling. The S.H.I.E.L.D. guys are like “grrrr, not again!”.

America Man and Thunder Man have no idea what just went down at the London Hydra base. They are already back in New York! Thor relishes. “Ah! Once again, Captain, our feet tread the good earth…here in the land called Brooklyn, just as you have requested!” Jesus Christ, man. Remind me never to read any Thor comics, or any more Mark Waid comics for that matter. They walk into a diner and make a spectacle out of themselves immediately.

Nice clothes. Did someone knock the wall down at the asylum?

Cap and Thor talk about this Sensational Hydra fellow. Cap’n says that it would be best to confront him alone, and Thor respects this but still asks if he’s sure. Instead of answering the question, Cap’n launches into another rant about how much the people have been showering him with adoration jizz from their adoration dicks, so to speak. Thor’s not listening to this, he was busy “musing upon the enchantment of the hammer, Mjolnir”. Yeah, and I did that three or four times last night myself, my dude.

Thor then tells Captain to get a grip, pal. Thor and his kind have been “worshipped by mortals for eons”. It’s all good, brother. Roll with it. “What keeps you from becoming arrogant about it?” Cap’n asks him, and Thor drops some philosophy on him: “Should we someday lose the attentions of those who believe in us…would we cease to exist…?” Profound, sir. Now ask him the sound of one hand clapping.

Next, some random guy, for whatever reason, is holding a small TV in front of Captain America in the diner to show him a news report. The Sensational Hydra has taken hostages! Come find him! Alone! There’s truly a cinder block on the gas pedal of this plot vehicle.

Villainy now on Betamax!

He’s at the Empire State Building, which is convenient because now Captain America doesn’t have to fly over yet another ocean in four seconds like he did 25 minutes ago! Cap’n makes his way over while news crews mob him in hopes of getting a juicy statement! One news anchor is wearing an “I <3 Cap” pin on her lapel, which Captain steals without asking and thanks her. One guy even wants to go into the building with him, but Cap’n tells him to kindly go fuck a duck.

I ♣️ Cap!

Hydra jerks are wearing big, bright crossing-guard uniforms now. It’s funny to see these idiots wear colors that stick out in any room they’re ever in. Cap’n throws the pin to the floor to distract them for less than two nanoseconds before running through the group fists a-blazin’.

The sound of a camera goes off. It’s the one guy who wanted to go into the building with him, he just couldn’t resist! He’s got wavy blonde hair, glasses, and a gross blonde mustache. Cap’n knocks him to the floor as more Hydra guys open fire down the hallway. He tells Blonde ‘Stache to follow him and follow every goddamned order he throws out.

Cap’n Crunch blocks a bunch of rounds in a stairwell and smashes a couple creeps with his shield. Blonde ‘Stache applauds his heroics and asks about living up to the massive reputation. Once Cap’n grumbles, Blonde ‘Stache nudges him further. “Don’t tell me you don’t find all the adoration seductive, Captain.” Sounds to me like Blonde ‘Stache wants to get him a little arm candy for a lovely dinner date tonight!

And, again, again and again, over and over, he talks about the suit and the name being a symbol, not something to worship. Especially not for this particular “fight”. These Hydra guys aren’t even trying! He suspects a setup. A trap. A ruse. A scam. A con game. A feint. A grift, see? A deceit. A fix.

But he’s not worried! Cap’n tells Blonde ‘Stache to stay behind him, and, behind his back, Blonde ‘Stache morphs into the Sensational Hydra! Oh no!

Not the Bubble Gum Man! Ye Gods!

Cap’n is taken aback! The Hydra in the next room open fire! Panic! The Sensational Hydra morphs again, this time into a goblin! Now the Hydra crew are taken aback! “The Leader — He’s a shapeshifter?” one boggles, surprised. This Sensational Hydra is pulling a fast one on everybody! He’s a Skrull! Aha, I know that word. Marvel Universe, you’ve done it again!

Now that the Sensational Hydra has betrayed his Skrull-itude, he has no use for the stupid, smelly little Hydra people. He instructs two of his Skrull-men, disguised as human hostages, to shoot bullets into them! “NOOOOOOO!” yells Crap-Ton America, but he can’t help them now! The Skrullfuckers shoot cum-bullets that wrap around his body and bind him, rendering him unable to move. “Skrull Handcuffs.” says King Skrull. They’re designed to contain Skrull, so shapeshifting won’t even work, let alone puny-muscled American heroes! Har har! America Man is screwed now!

Skrulligan tells America all about his ploy: infiltrating Hydra, boosting Captain’s clout, and then holding him prisoner. Because if the whole world respects Captain America enough to listen to everything he says and approve anything he does…

…then Shapeshifter Jones can pretend to be Captain America and then do naughty, bad things!

And why is he doing this?? BECAUSE, he- nah, just read the panel:

Although I took the liberty of making the penis about five inches longer.

So now revenge can finally be dished out. Beef Skrullington takes Cap’n shield and leaves, promising to come back later to force out some information. The kind only Captain America would know.

Big weekend coming up for Skrullman!

Skrull-Cap parachutes down from the building to greet his awaiting, clamoring, ravenous fanbase.

Skrull-Cap’s henchmen toss Captain America in a supply closet.

Skrull-Cap talks to the press; claims that the Hydra took their own lives! Oh well! The Hydra threat is over! “I’ve come to the conclusion that there are things to be done in this country — and Captain America is just the man to do them. With the power of the people behind me…nothing can stand in my way.”

Final Thoughts

Finally, FINALLY, this story is shaking out to be interesting and not completely braindead. I’m looking forward to seeing the Captain America impostor jerking it in someone’s face in New York City. Maybe a 1998 Donald Trump? That would be Captastic!