Things I’m looking forward to as I start the new week: the beginning of March, the end of February, the stupidly large pot of chili I’m going to make today, and reading more morons from my country attempt to be Russia/Ukraine geopolitical experts on Twitter.

BUT, for now, here are three more Sunday strips to kick off the week.

Garfield

Garfield has been tormenting Jon Arbuckle for 44 years now, which completely ridiculous if you stop and think about that. You would think, by now, that Jon could possibly get a handle on some of this shit. This is an easy one! Buy a mini-fridge and put a padlock on it. OR, even better, drive the cat out to the middle of Nebraska and dump him on the side of the road.

But, unfortunately, Jon Arbuckle is pushing 80 years old and his faculties just aren’t there anymore. Plus, he’s been gaslighted by his cat for so many decades now that he doesn’t even know which way is up anymore! I do like the spontaneous scraggly beard-hair growth on Jon after yelling. He should really be a wizard by now.

Marmaduke

As a parallel to Jon’s situation with Garfield, Marmaduke’s owners are similarly held captive by their 400-lb Great Dane. However, Marmaduke is far more diabolical and abusive than Garfield could ever hope to be. At this point the only solution is a bullet through the dog’s fucking brainpan, but that won’t work anymore either. It’s too late for that. Marmaduke hid all the guns.

In supremely stupid fashion, Phil pushes his luck and attempts to play a prank on his less-than-faithful dog. Doomed to repeat history time and time again, Phil learns a harsh lesson. Another organ will be taken from him while he sleeps tonight. You’re running out of non-vital organs quickly, Phil. Marmaduke will soon have to move on to the other ones.

Mary Worth

I’m not a 65-year-old cat lady, so I don’t keep up with the soap opera Sunday Funnies like Rex Morgan, M.D., Judge Parker, and, of course, meddling old Mary Worth. The benefit of these serial story-based strips is that you can jump into one once in a while, lacking all context, and it turns out to be WAY funnier than any of the joke-based offerings on the rest of the Funnies page!

I don’t know who Toby is exactly, but I imagine she’s either one of Mary’s many horrible grandchildren or, barring that, Just Some Lady Mary Knows. I picture that Toby has been unwittingly leading one of her students on for months now, slowly developing in him an infatuation so unhealthy that he’s probably considering shooting the President of the United States to try to win her over. He has recently finished wallpapering his bedroom pictures of her, all photographed in secret.

Here’s hoping Mary steps in to put a stop to this before Toby’s body is found in a duffel bag in a subway station bathroom; his brains are blown out all over mirror and sink.