I’m getting half-sleeve in a month and it’s one of the only things I can think about these days. I’m excited like a virgin in a seedy, seedy brothel.

Speaking of which, here are three new comic strips to make fun of! It’ll help ease my preoccupied mind, and I’m basing that on absolutely nothing.

Mallard Fillmore

Oh snap, do I find a Mallard Fillmore strip funny this morning?! I must be delirious from all the commie acid I dropped last night at 3am during one of my many left-wing orgy banquets.

In my line of work I come across a lot of Ph.D.’s, and more often than not they are conceited, useless bastards. They pretend to know a lot more than they do, and they’ll argue with you if you call them out on being wrong about something. Mallard Fillmore almost hit the nail on the head here, except that I don’t approve of the color of the umbrella! It should be green!

The Mallard Fillmore comments section, of course, rants about Joe Biden and his conspiracy to use moon rocks to drill silicon chips into our fleshy buttocks. Also, someone made a joke about Mountain Dew and Crab Juice which no one understood because the average age of the Mallard Fillmore comments section clientele is 138.

Willy Black

I don’t know who Willy Black is or what he’s trying to pull here, but there’s something incredibly fetishy about this bullshit and I am not having it whatsoever.

In fact, I apologize to everyone for even posting this on my family-friendly blog. I’ll be sure to give myself 90 lashes forthwith.

Zippy the Pinhead

Speaking of apologizing, this is somewhat worse and I am chagrined to even attempt to entertain it with commentary. Am I to understand this joke works on exactly one level? Am I to take this horrible atrocity at face value? Do I have to make another suicide “joke” to get me out of this one?

Someone should launch Bill Griffith into the sun for even creating this comic strip. I wish a fiery death upon him and his twenty cats.